Saturday, October 17, 2009

Reality has a way of restructuring dreams.

No one ever tells you how exquisitely challenging parenting can be. You only really hear the bright, sparkly, sunshine-y aspects of it--unless you go looking. Recently, though, there have been two great articles about this issue. One by Black Girl in Maine and the other by KIT.

I have been meditating and thinking and wondering and all that for months now and I've finally made peace with the decision to make it so that we will definitively not be having any more children. The hubby's been ready for a while now and I'm finally right there with him.

What sealed the deal? Put the last nail in the coffin. Yesterday we got a notice from the bank that holds our mortgage. School taxes have gone up and we will be paying a whopping $230 more a month. I sincerely hope it's a miscalculation but we're operating under the assumption that it's not.

Add to that the fact that my sleep was disturbed by police helicopters circumnavigating this 4 square mile town for over an hour. We have to leave this town for the sake of our boys and it will be much more likely to happen without more children. More children mean we need more things like a bigger car. We already managed to pay the one we have off and there's really no room in the budget for yet another car payment and we don't have the money on hand to just outright buy a car. More children means more diapers. More clothes. More everything really. And less to go around. It's so true.

When I sit down and look at all the pros and cons of having another baby, the cons unfortunately outweigh the pros. Even vanity plays in . . . I'm finally starting to see some muscle definition in my stomach. And, to be very honest . . . to be brutally and painfully honest . . . I'm tired. These two are enough for me especially if I continue to mother the hands-on way that I've been mothering. I keep thinking that as Z2 gets older, I could hang but right now . . . it's rough.

So I've given the hubby the okay. And hope he does it quick. Before sentiments start to take over. I've always envisioned myself with three or four kids . . . and I think dark thoughts sometimes like what if we lose one of our boys or something. But no new child could replace the ones I have anyway. That's the reality.

And reality sure has a way of restructuring dreams.


Anonymous said...

Hugs to you! I know you have struggled with the desire to have more kids so its a hard decision for you.

Like I said in my own blog, there is a part of me that would love to have more kids but I don't have the resources. For me those resources are not just money but actually time.

You are right though that reality does indeed restructure our dreams.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Hi Chi-Chi,

I have no idea how many fertility years are left on your clock, so that's a consideration. If you're under 35, you have some time to see if things get better. It's harder to get pregnant between 36 and 39, and 40? Not likely.

You know, even though economic reality does a smack down on us, there are times when you have to have to go with your gut. Harriette Tubman did, and so did Bill Gates when he quit college.

I am a tremendous believer the Spirit. He whispers in your ear when something is right, and that voice is different from the one who tells you that just want something.

Listen carefully.

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