Sunday, May 10, 2009

Letter to Myself

I've been trying to find a window of opportunity to blog all day but it hasn't happened till now. And even now I should be sleeping since I have to get up to exercise. But I really wanted to share this today.

I spent my pregnancy with Z1 extremely depressed at times longing for my "mommy", wanting to be cherished and nurtured. But this is not something my mother could offer. Two years ago, I wrote an entry in my journal about my mother and how I have come to deal with our relationship. It's a letter to myself and while my overstanding of the Almighty has changed quite a bit since then, the letter is still essentially true.

You were blessed with a mother who is not described by any of the warm, fuzzy Hallmark Mother's Day Greeting Cards. In fact, you pore through countless cards trying to find the most generic, non-specific card there is. You can't get one that says, "You always know what to say to lift my spirit". Not true. No, you look for cards that say, "Hope your day is great!"

There are two ways you can respond to this in the light of the fact that you are completely grown. You could become very bitter and angry, snap and complain at every opportunity. Or you can accept her for who and how she is, realizing that she's human only and has human flaws. Also, she is not in this world to live up to your expectation or idea of what a mother should be. She did for you and gave you the best she could. You may not think it was the best but it was. If she could have done better, she would have. You may be thinking she should have given me this or that because she had the ability but even if she did have the ability physically, mentally or psychologically she was not in a place where she could give you more, you cannot fault her for it. You're grown enough now to cut that umbilical cord and connect it to the Almighty who can be everything and anything you need. You can expect unwaveringly that the Almighty will always give you what you need, when you need it and how you need it.

When you let your natural, physical mother off the hook, forgive her and forgive yourself for believing that somehow it was you that caused your mother to treat you the way she did, you re-connect to a Higher Power, you free yourself and allow yourself the space to heal. When you begin to realize that you are who you are because of your mother and not in spite of, you learn to be grateful. Right now, you are blessed with a chance to be whole. You have the chance to be the way you want. You started out on this road a long time ago before you even knew yourself and you've been traveling on it for many years. There have been many potholes and bumps. You now realize that this particular road is not leading to where you'd like to go. You have the ability to get off at the next exit. You can pick the next road. You can decide the kind of woman you're going to be. You determine, most especially, the kind of mother you are going to be.

I hope all the mothers (mothers with their own children, spiritual mothers, godmothers, etc) enjoyed the day.
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