Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When the other partner says no.

I was participating in a thread about wanting more children when your partner doesn't and what to do about it:  a) accept it  b) try to convince him/her or c) get pregnant accidentally on purpose.  I think I've mentioned before on this blog that I think the best way to go about it is to accept it.  You could go the convincing route but really, I would never want to bring a child into this world if I had to convince someone.  I want every child I bear to be completely wanted.  That doesn't mean you don't talk about it with your partner and try to sort out why he/she is anti-having more kids.  But at the end of the day, you have to realize his/her reasons for not wanting more are just as valid as yours are for wanting more.  

But some people on the thread said they'd really go the distance with trying to convince.  (And I get that feeling too except that my partner's reason for not wanting more children actually make perfect sense to me and I actually agree--but still want more.  Darn biology.  Go figure.)  Some folks just couldn't understand how one partner could be so bent on trying to convince the other partner to have another child and this was my response in way of explanation:
The way I describe it is in terms of running. I set out to do 5 miles. I get to 4 miles and I stop. Not because I want to. Not because I don't have it in me. But because the person I'm running with has had enough. It's great that I've done the 4 miles. Four miles is nothing to sneeze at. And I certainly don't want to force my running partner to keep going if he's completely exhausted or can't handle it for some other reason. But I would have felt, I don't know, complete if I could have finished the last mile. So it's about getting to a place where you are okay with not feeling complete. You can be very happy with what you have but not feel complete or rounded out.

At this point in the game, I feel like we've run our 4 miles.  I've taken off my running shoes.  Ready to get in the shower and move on with the rest of my day.   I've given away tons of baby stuff.  Weaned Z2.  Gotten him to sleep in his own bed (mainly).  We're moving out of this baby phase for sure.

I'm not mad at the hubby at all.  Just, it is what it is.  Cool beans.  And so, I'm slowly making the shift to really embracing our 4 person family.  And that is truly opening me up to enjoying and fully experiencing my current family instead of longing for something else.  In other words, I'm able to appreciate the four mile run for what it is and not the five mile run it could have been.  Huge difference.  And hopefully, in time, I'll come to view the 4-mile run as the perfect run for me--not an unfinished one.   

1 comment:

Kate said...

This is a perfect way to describe wanting more children.
I'm at that stage now, I have 3 beautiful children and would like one more but my husband is adamant there will be no more. At the moment I resent him as he is wanting a vasectomy.
I just wish he would suggest one more baby.
My problem tho and I need to deal with it. Thank you for this post - it has been very very helpful!!
Kate, UK mother of 3.

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