That it seems kind of self-centered to be talking about myself. But this blog is about myself so . . . here I go.
I thought I'd elaborate more on my feelings about cutting my hair. Interestingly enough, the predominant emotion I feel is anger. I can't say that is directed toward anyone or anything but I'm just angry that I cannot have the head full of long, lustrous locks that I have desired for so long. Aesthetically, hair wise, few styles are more pleasing to my eyes than healthy looking, flowing dreadlocks. Since I wasn't lying when I said this last set would be my last set, I am sadly letting go of the dream of having them. It seems that by letting go of dreadlocks, there's a whole set of other things I'm letting go of/realizing. But all that is for my personal journal as I'm not ready to put it out there like that.
Currently I'm trying to convince myself that I look good with my hair this short. I'm also trying to be cool because it might never grow. Maybe through all of this I will come to find out that, surprise, it's all genetic. That thought struck me especially hard when my baby brother who's 17 showed me a bald spot. Come to think of it, lots of guys on my mom's side deal with thinning hair. Maybe this has something to do with my hair loss. Who knows? What I do now is that this whole hair journey has been completely and utterly exhausting. So aside from the anger, I also feel relief.
I am still working hard on emergency preparedness despite the fact that DH thinks I'm "paranoid" and "making him crazy". I'm working on our first aid kit and trying to get some lanterns/other light sources together. Tomorrow, I'm sending DH out to get massive amounts of bottled water. In a few weeks, we should be somewhat recovered financially and we'll be able to purchase the water filter. I can then save the bottled water. I want to find some water purifying tablets. I'm going to apply for Z2's passport on Tuesday. Tomorrow I'm headed to Whole Paycheck for my once monthly trip. Mostly I'll be buying bulk grains and beans.
I've been adhering to the grocery budget and still managing to stock the pantry. It's amazing how much further the dollar stretches when you do non-organic.
Other than that, I'm keeping my ear to the ground and taking everything in stride, trying to find some faith.
Showing posts with label locs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label locs. Show all posts
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A couple of things
Both the boys are asleep. At the same time. So I figured I'd take the opportunity to post a few things.
1. I cut my locks off. Right now, I think I look like a guy. DH hates short hair on women. And I can't seem to grow mine. If I had it, I'd go get some kinky twists or something. But I don't. And DH hates fake hair anyway. More later on how I feel about the whole thing.
2. I figured out how I'm going to cut my grocery spending. I've set a price limit of $480 per month. That means $120 a week. I will buy all fruits/veggies on one set day and all other groceries on one set day. I will limit my fruit/veggie purchasing to the 'hood (walking distance, i.e. no gas). All spending on organic food is on hiatus. I'll be on the lookout for the odd locally grown fruit/veggie. Whole Foods once a month for eggs (2-3 dozen) and other specialty items not found elsewhere. This trip will be combined with Zion's structured playgroup in the same town (no special trip to Whole Foods). I am giving myself $30 wiggle room. The last few month's overspending on groceries, the Vitamix and medical expenses totaled well over $1000. Not good at all. The next few months are going to be lean so that we can recover.
3. In reading a blog I began following called Muslim Bushido (excellent blog, by the way), I came across The Survival Podcast, an excellent resource for those of us serious about preparing for economic collapse.
4. I am considering getting a gun license and purchasing a gun (again). In the event of economic collapse, I would like to be able to protect myself. I've already been robbed once in my house and once out of my car and there was no economic hardship. I can only imagine what my so called fellow townspeople would do if there was an economic emergency. With two small babies, I'm scared about it. Also, I don' t know how to use one. I have to look into how much lessons would cost.
5. I'm looking and learning (in the very preliminary stages) about stockpiling: whole grains, dried beans. Equipment: canning supplies, hand powered grain mill, etc. I'm trying to be balanced and leveled.
6. We turned over the ground for our vegetable garden. I am going to find some containers around here for growing tomatoes (which grow easily in containers) and use the plot for other crops.
7. I have no shirts/blouses for the fall. They are all either too big (I was pregnant last fall) or too small (I wasn't this size the previous fall) or just really jacked up (I wear clothes till they literally fall apart). Here's to hoping that a trip to a shopping area in another 'hood will perhaps yield a score of 3-4 shirts that fell off the truck (i.e. name brand shirts being sold for bargain basement prices). 3-4 shirts with my 4-5 skirts = a decent fall wardrobe, I suppose. If I worked outside the home, that would be different.
Well, that's all that's what's on my mind.
1. I cut my locks off. Right now, I think I look like a guy. DH hates short hair on women. And I can't seem to grow mine. If I had it, I'd go get some kinky twists or something. But I don't. And DH hates fake hair anyway. More later on how I feel about the whole thing.
2. I figured out how I'm going to cut my grocery spending. I've set a price limit of $480 per month. That means $120 a week. I will buy all fruits/veggies on one set day and all other groceries on one set day. I will limit my fruit/veggie purchasing to the 'hood (walking distance, i.e. no gas). All spending on organic food is on hiatus. I'll be on the lookout for the odd locally grown fruit/veggie. Whole Foods once a month for eggs (2-3 dozen) and other specialty items not found elsewhere. This trip will be combined with Zion's structured playgroup in the same town (no special trip to Whole Foods). I am giving myself $30 wiggle room. The last few month's overspending on groceries, the Vitamix and medical expenses totaled well over $1000. Not good at all. The next few months are going to be lean so that we can recover.
3. In reading a blog I began following called Muslim Bushido (excellent blog, by the way), I came across The Survival Podcast, an excellent resource for those of us serious about preparing for economic collapse.
4. I am considering getting a gun license and purchasing a gun (again). In the event of economic collapse, I would like to be able to protect myself. I've already been robbed once in my house and once out of my car and there was no economic hardship. I can only imagine what my so called fellow townspeople would do if there was an economic emergency. With two small babies, I'm scared about it. Also, I don' t know how to use one. I have to look into how much lessons would cost.
5. I'm looking and learning (in the very preliminary stages) about stockpiling: whole grains, dried beans. Equipment: canning supplies, hand powered grain mill, etc. I'm trying to be balanced and leveled.
6. We turned over the ground for our vegetable garden. I am going to find some containers around here for growing tomatoes (which grow easily in containers) and use the plot for other crops.
7. I have no shirts/blouses for the fall. They are all either too big (I was pregnant last fall) or too small (I wasn't this size the previous fall) or just really jacked up (I wear clothes till they literally fall apart). Here's to hoping that a trip to a shopping area in another 'hood will perhaps yield a score of 3-4 shirts that fell off the truck (i.e. name brand shirts being sold for bargain basement prices). 3-4 shirts with my 4-5 skirts = a decent fall wardrobe, I suppose. If I worked outside the home, that would be different.
Well, that's all that's what's on my mind.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Latest Lock Lost
Thought I'd share with you a picture of the latest lock that I lost. Well, it didn't break off but it was so thin at the root. I had tried to use the loose hairs around it to strengthen it but that wasn't too successful because, I think, the root was just too thin. So I broke the last 4 or 5 hairs holding the lock on there.
It's was actually alarming to see it. I really only feel the thin locks when I have my fingers in my hair. I don't necessarily get a chance to look at them. So it was just interesting.
I thought to myself the other day that becoming vegetarian was probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made. I feel so sad to say that but, sadly, in my case it's true. The biggest lesson I've learned throughout this whole thing is that what works for one person may not work for someone else. We're all just that different.
Anyway, folks have been commenting on my skin looking better. I've been eating fish freely (3-4 times a week) for 2 weeks now. I hope that I'm on the road to recovery. I really hope to see a marked improvement in my health with incorporating fish and more raw food (smoothies).
It's was actually alarming to see it. I really only feel the thin locks when I have my fingers in my hair. I don't necessarily get a chance to look at them. So it was just interesting.
I thought to myself the other day that becoming vegetarian was probably one of the worst decisions I've ever made. I feel so sad to say that but, sadly, in my case it's true. The biggest lesson I've learned throughout this whole thing is that what works for one person may not work for someone else. We're all just that different.
Anyway, folks have been commenting on my skin looking better. I've been eating fish freely (3-4 times a week) for 2 weeks now. I hope that I'm on the road to recovery. I really hope to see a marked improvement in my health with incorporating fish and more raw food (smoothies).
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Z1's Dreadlocks
We cut his locks on Friday, August 29, 2008. We just used scissors. No razor even though his dad is a professional barber.
It was a really difficult decision but we did it. Lots of things came into play
I'm going to be very honest here.
When Z1 was born, I was in a lot of ways much more radical and much more idealistic in my thinking. I had a list of things I just absolutely wouldn't do. But the realities and practicalities of life have an uncanny way of mediating one's idealism.
Anyway, as a first time mom, I did the best I could. The best I knew how. I think I was washing Z1's hair once every two weeks or so. For the first couple of months, I combed it out (sometimes with a comb and sometimes with my fingers) which he hated and which his dad wasn't too fond of. Then I just stopped manipulating it at all. I just washed it and oiled it and the locks started to form. I wasn't as meticulous as could be about getting out lint. I should have washed it more often. I shouldn't have used heavy oils like shea butter. I shouldn't have combined some locks the way I did. But I did. And Z1's locks had so.much.buildup in them. It was actually a bit overwhelming. One morning, I washed his dreads, did an apple cider vinegar rinse on them and just kept squeezing the locks. More and more stuff kept coming out. Eventually, I got the locks really clean but there was still this white stuff. So I took a tweezer and started to pick at it. There was "stuff" all throughout the lock such that I knew that nothing would take it out. I had been contemplating cutting them for a while now but this made me really consider it. Because no matter how clean the locks were, they looked dirty.
And since they were freeformed/organic, you can imagine people's reactions at time. I'd caught some sideways glances from people when they looked at my son. Saw looks of disgust. Pity. I'd even seen people ostracize him. A little baby like him. For his hair. And so that tore at my heart strings and made me wonder if wearing such a significant crown as dreadlocks should be placed on such a small child. Especially when the dreadlocks are organic. Twisted, styled locks, I would venture to say, are much more accepted in this society than "bongo natty".
Add to that the fact that I worried that he would feel alone. There are a few RastafarI youth but living where I live, he was generally the only child with dreadlocks. And if there were children with dreads, they had styled dreads. He never really got to see kids that looked like him except for once or twice a year at "cultural" events like the street festival and such as well as Nyabinghi.
Of course, the hubby, who is remarkably nonplussed by others' thoughts about him and his family (which I absolutely love and respect), said that if others treated him differently for something so superficial as his hair, they don't deserve the honor of knowing and being loved by Z1. About feeling like an outsider because he had locks, DH pointed out that he himself had locks so if nothing else, Z1 would know he looked like dad. He had a good point. I was ready to keep the locks.
But the buildup. Geez. And I know it's my fault that his locks had so much of it because I am the one who primarily cares for the kids. I mean, I've learned so much now from Nappturality.com and from my own experience, that now I know what to do. I know his hair needs to be washed at least once weekly. Maybe twice in the summer. I know that to counteract dryness, I should use conditioner (not wash less)--diluted conditioner, that is, because full-strength conditioner is difficult to rinse out of locks completely especially on a squirmy child. I now know to use lighter oils like coconut and jojoba (which work well to hydrate the hair in conjunction with a good conditioner). I just know now.
So his hair is a short afro right now. It's not combed out or anything. I'm trying to feel out how we're going to approach this second set. If I'll be more conscious about making the locks even. On his last set, some were large, others small. Some were flat, others round. I know that they will be organic again, i.e. no twisting but I want to pay closer attention to how they are formed and to keeping them really clean and lint free with frequent washings, conditioning and light oils. I've noticed that it's very dry/lackluster right now so I'm going to start giving him cod liver oil again and really pay attention to his protein and to being consistent with his multivitamin.
Oh, I miss seeing his hair flying when he's playing. I worry what others who follow the same trodition (RastafarI tradition) will think when they see him. What they will say. I try to keep the hubby's words at the forefront of my mind though when these thoughts surface, "He's my son and I do what I feel is best for him. When someone else clothes and feeds him, I'll look for their input. Till then, whatever, man." Spoken like the philosopher he is. <3
It was a really difficult decision but we did it. Lots of things came into play
I'm going to be very honest here.
When Z1 was born, I was in a lot of ways much more radical and much more idealistic in my thinking. I had a list of things I just absolutely wouldn't do. But the realities and practicalities of life have an uncanny way of mediating one's idealism.
Anyway, as a first time mom, I did the best I could. The best I knew how. I think I was washing Z1's hair once every two weeks or so. For the first couple of months, I combed it out (sometimes with a comb and sometimes with my fingers) which he hated and which his dad wasn't too fond of. Then I just stopped manipulating it at all. I just washed it and oiled it and the locks started to form. I wasn't as meticulous as could be about getting out lint. I should have washed it more often. I shouldn't have used heavy oils like shea butter. I shouldn't have combined some locks the way I did. But I did. And Z1's locks had so.much.buildup in them. It was actually a bit overwhelming. One morning, I washed his dreads, did an apple cider vinegar rinse on them and just kept squeezing the locks. More and more stuff kept coming out. Eventually, I got the locks really clean but there was still this white stuff. So I took a tweezer and started to pick at it. There was "stuff" all throughout the lock such that I knew that nothing would take it out. I had been contemplating cutting them for a while now but this made me really consider it. Because no matter how clean the locks were, they looked dirty.
And since they were freeformed/organic, you can imagine people's reactions at time. I'd caught some sideways glances from people when they looked at my son. Saw looks of disgust. Pity. I'd even seen people ostracize him. A little baby like him. For his hair. And so that tore at my heart strings and made me wonder if wearing such a significant crown as dreadlocks should be placed on such a small child. Especially when the dreadlocks are organic. Twisted, styled locks, I would venture to say, are much more accepted in this society than "bongo natty".
Add to that the fact that I worried that he would feel alone. There are a few RastafarI youth but living where I live, he was generally the only child with dreadlocks. And if there were children with dreads, they had styled dreads. He never really got to see kids that looked like him except for once or twice a year at "cultural" events like the street festival and such as well as Nyabinghi.
Of course, the hubby, who is remarkably nonplussed by others' thoughts about him and his family (which I absolutely love and respect), said that if others treated him differently for something so superficial as his hair, they don't deserve the honor of knowing and being loved by Z1. About feeling like an outsider because he had locks, DH pointed out that he himself had locks so if nothing else, Z1 would know he looked like dad. He had a good point. I was ready to keep the locks.
But the buildup. Geez. And I know it's my fault that his locks had so much of it because I am the one who primarily cares for the kids. I mean, I've learned so much now from Nappturality.com and from my own experience, that now I know what to do. I know his hair needs to be washed at least once weekly. Maybe twice in the summer. I know that to counteract dryness, I should use conditioner (not wash less)--diluted conditioner, that is, because full-strength conditioner is difficult to rinse out of locks completely especially on a squirmy child. I now know to use lighter oils like coconut and jojoba (which work well to hydrate the hair in conjunction with a good conditioner). I just know now.
So his hair is a short afro right now. It's not combed out or anything. I'm trying to feel out how we're going to approach this second set. If I'll be more conscious about making the locks even. On his last set, some were large, others small. Some were flat, others round. I know that they will be organic again, i.e. no twisting but I want to pay closer attention to how they are formed and to keeping them really clean and lint free with frequent washings, conditioning and light oils. I've noticed that it's very dry/lackluster right now so I'm going to start giving him cod liver oil again and really pay attention to his protein and to being consistent with his multivitamin.
Oh, I miss seeing his hair flying when he's playing. I worry what others who follow the same trodition (RastafarI tradition) will think when they see him. What they will say. I try to keep the hubby's words at the forefront of my mind though when these thoughts surface, "He's my son and I do what I feel is best for him. When someone else clothes and feeds him, I'll look for their input. Till then, whatever, man." Spoken like the philosopher he is. <3
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Went to see a holistic loctician today
Just a quick note . . .
It was a good experience. Yendys offered a few suggestions for me. Some I had already known like that I need to take a Vitamin B complex and increase my intake of raw greens. I have a Vitamin B complex that I've been taking sporadically. I really hate to take pills especially because it seems that I pee most of it out. I am going to see if I can find a liquid B complex--one specifically formulated for stress. I am already committed to including much more greens in my diet. She also thought that I might have some issues with my liver/elimination which I already knew but it was good to have some confirmation. Once I wean Z2, I am definitely going to do a total body cleanse. Another suggestion Yendys made was to take a chondroitin/glucosamine supplement to help balance out the sugar in my body and red clover as just an overall tonic. She told me to keep up with the apple cider vinegar rinses and offered me two products (a therapeutic scalp rinse and an oil she makes herself with fresh herbs).
She also thought that maybe I'm not getting enough protein. I've had the suspicion for a long time that I do no properly assimilate plant protein. My body must be able to use it somewhat because I'm not wasting away and I successfully nursed Z1 and am nursing Z2 with no undernourishment issues but the fact that my skin and hair are just so lackluster . . . I just can't seem to wrap my head around eating flesh again. I know, labels take away your freedom but I've just been vegetarian so long that now, it is a large part of who I am. A part I'm not ready to let go of yet. But, it seems, I really need to.
It pains me to think of having two pots on my stove cooking--one with flesh and one with veggies. I love the idea of a unified, peaceful (death-free) kitchen. Man, in your 20s, ideals die and they die hard.
I can't say I feel overly hopeful or encouraged in any way after seeing Yendys. But it was a positive experience and I definitely want to put aside some money every few weeks so that I can see her at least four times a year. Her energy is inviting and warm and she could only help to heal my hair.
Do I ever write "a quick note?" You should know better!
It was a good experience. Yendys offered a few suggestions for me. Some I had already known like that I need to take a Vitamin B complex and increase my intake of raw greens. I have a Vitamin B complex that I've been taking sporadically. I really hate to take pills especially because it seems that I pee most of it out. I am going to see if I can find a liquid B complex--one specifically formulated for stress. I am already committed to including much more greens in my diet. She also thought that I might have some issues with my liver/elimination which I already knew but it was good to have some confirmation. Once I wean Z2, I am definitely going to do a total body cleanse. Another suggestion Yendys made was to take a chondroitin/glucosamine supplement to help balance out the sugar in my body and red clover as just an overall tonic. She told me to keep up with the apple cider vinegar rinses and offered me two products (a therapeutic scalp rinse and an oil she makes herself with fresh herbs).
She also thought that maybe I'm not getting enough protein. I've had the suspicion for a long time that I do no properly assimilate plant protein. My body must be able to use it somewhat because I'm not wasting away and I successfully nursed Z1 and am nursing Z2 with no undernourishment issues but the fact that my skin and hair are just so lackluster . . . I just can't seem to wrap my head around eating flesh again. I know, labels take away your freedom but I've just been vegetarian so long that now, it is a large part of who I am. A part I'm not ready to let go of yet. But, it seems, I really need to.
It pains me to think of having two pots on my stove cooking--one with flesh and one with veggies. I love the idea of a unified, peaceful (death-free) kitchen. Man, in your 20s, ideals die and they die hard.
I can't say I feel overly hopeful or encouraged in any way after seeing Yendys. But it was a positive experience and I definitely want to put aside some money every few weeks so that I can see her at least four times a year. Her energy is inviting and warm and she could only help to heal my hair.
Do I ever write "a quick note?" You should know better!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Just contemplating . . .
So I received a suggestion the other day to do a rebuilding process to my hair using a product called Aphogee. Aphogee is basically a protein treatment that restructures and strengthens the hair. I am yet to find any information on doing the treatment on locks but I was thinking I'd be willing to try it because what's the worst that could happen? The worst is already happening, namely, lots of breakage.
But while in the beauty store today, it struck me: growing locks is to me an affirmation of my commitment to doing things the natural way. Reading long lists of ingredients with paraben this and hyrdoxyl that . . . I'm not sure if I want to try to preserve my dreads using such unnatural stuff, lab-concocted stuff or "natural" ingredients 15 times removed from nature. I think I'd rather use my natural castile soaps and Aubrey Organic shampoos and conditioners, shea butter, jojoba and coconut oils and apple cider vinegar rinses and rock a neat, sweet short 'fro when the locks eventually break off. You know, natural. I am having a hard time imagining using all these chemicals to keep these locks. It's not what I want to do no matter how much I'd like to keep these dreads on my head.
I know very well that the hair growing from your head at the root should be the strongest hair on your head. I know very well that this is something internal. I know that there is something I am missing that is making my once strong, lustrous hair frail and prone to breakage.
My sistren reminded me of a holistic hairdresser out in Brooklyn who might be able to at least give me some feedback/direction on my hair. Actually, this loctician is the one who started my first set of locks (I consider them my first--the real first set was installed by a guy who used a whole bunch of black gel and gunk--I knew I wanted my locks to be pure and natural so I washed them out after one week). Anyway, I've been calling her and leaving messages but to no avail. Hopefully I hear back soon.
In some ways, I'm anxious for my locks to break off completely. Either that or miraculously become strong. How can I stop being so focused on them?
But while in the beauty store today, it struck me: growing locks is to me an affirmation of my commitment to doing things the natural way. Reading long lists of ingredients with paraben this and hyrdoxyl that . . . I'm not sure if I want to try to preserve my dreads using such unnatural stuff, lab-concocted stuff or "natural" ingredients 15 times removed from nature. I think I'd rather use my natural castile soaps and Aubrey Organic shampoos and conditioners, shea butter, jojoba and coconut oils and apple cider vinegar rinses and rock a neat, sweet short 'fro when the locks eventually break off. You know, natural. I am having a hard time imagining using all these chemicals to keep these locks. It's not what I want to do no matter how much I'd like to keep these dreads on my head.
I know very well that the hair growing from your head at the root should be the strongest hair on your head. I know very well that this is something internal. I know that there is something I am missing that is making my once strong, lustrous hair frail and prone to breakage.
My sistren reminded me of a holistic hairdresser out in Brooklyn who might be able to at least give me some feedback/direction on my hair. Actually, this loctician is the one who started my first set of locks (I consider them my first--the real first set was installed by a guy who used a whole bunch of black gel and gunk--I knew I wanted my locks to be pure and natural so I washed them out after one week). Anyway, I've been calling her and leaving messages but to no avail. Hopefully I hear back soon.
In some ways, I'm anxious for my locks to break off completely. Either that or miraculously become strong. How can I stop being so focused on them?
Sunday, August 10, 2008
I realized today . . .
That the first set of locks I had would have been 7 years old this summer. Some folks base being a committed veteran on how long a person has been growing their locks. I have to base it on how long I've been trying. Still, I hesitate to call myself a lock veteran or anything like that because I just don't have the length to support that claim.
I cannot even explain how much it means to me to wear locks without getting emotional. It chokes me up. Makes me angry and frustrated that they just won't grow properly. I can't properly describe how I felt when after washing my hair one day, while oiling it, I felt the first thin-rooted lock. How desperately I hoped it was a fluke. How despondent when I realized it wasn't.
Yet, I absolutely cannot stand when folks are sympathetic about my hair. Losing the first set, I would have been open to sympathy. This is what, the fifth set? I've lost count! I don't want sympathy at all!! Maybe empathy. But I don't really know many folks who empathize. At this point, it's just what it is.
DH has beautiful (I mean gorgeous) locks that have grown past his bottom. I laugh because when we met 5 years ago, he had some loose hair in his "kitchen" that are now full-fledged locks over a foot long. I can't believe his good fortune sometimes! I often think that, theoretically, I should be jealous, you know, of people with long, beautiful locks. But somehow, I'm not. It's separate . . . I don't want someone else's locks. I would have liked to have my own!
It has been such a tumultuous journey and struggle trying to grow locks. I started off as a loose natural, and locked because it meant commitment to my personal politics and to my spirituality. My personal politics and my spirituality have matured and changed over the years yet locks have always meant and still mean so much to me. My locks or lack of locks has been the source of a lot of hurt (I have been trodding in this RastafarI trodition where locks are the hallmark of ones who trod). To not have locks . . . I can't help but wonder how many people have questioned my commitment. I can't help to feel slighted when ones and ones will hail (greet) my Kingman (DH) but not give me a sideways glance. But I realize too, that those who matter don't mind and those that mind, don't matter. Because the sistren and bredren that mean the most to me in this world would still embrace me. Even if I were bald.
I have come to terms with the fact that my locks will never be long. It doesn't seem that my hair is strong enough to handle the weight of locks. And you know what? Even if I did find some magical potion that would strengthen my hair and guarantee that the locks would grow and wouldn't thin at the root and snap off, I'm not sure I would grow locks again. My spirituality has changed. How I view Jah has changed. Who I am as a person has changed. Your 20s are about changing and hopefully growing. Whereas I used to be highly concerned that I "looked the part", I'm no longer interested in being categorized or boxed in. I'm looking for true freedom and not a rule-book to follow. I'm learning how not to care when people look at me and make a whole list of assumptions based on what they see or what they think they see.
I remember as a little girl seeing people with locks. They were few and far between. I realized way back then that the only way I would have long, flowing hair would be to grow locks. Interesting. I ask myself if growing locks is really just my way of dealing with the Eurocentrism that says that long, flowing hair that blows in the wind is what is more desirable than hair that grows upward. I'd have to say, yes, that this has played a role in the drive to grow locks although I'm not quite sure how big a role. It's in there somewhere though. Yes, I do believe I'm conscious. Hip to the game, if you will. But that doesn't mean I'm not working to undo years of conditioning/socialization.
So there's the spiritual aspect and there's the vanity aspect (because, let's face it, locks are beautiful on men, women and children ) and there's the not-quite-yet resolved in my mind political aspect to growing locks (on the one hand, locks have for me represented rebellion and a certain consciousness but on the other hand there's the whole length/hair growing downwards issue because as a woman, I've been socialized to feel that long, downward growing hair is a woman's glory and beauty).
Nonetheless, I'm holding on to this set for dear life still though because right now, 2/3rds are either gone or on their way out. But I have come to terms with it. I guess, at some point, you would have to. I'm actually kind of looking forward to being a loose natural again. Kind of. I have to go buy some good brushes and combs. Refresh my braiding and twisting skills. Just get into loose natural mode again in a way that meshes with my new life as a busy mother (I just don't have 45 mins. at night to deal with my hair anymore--I used to watch t.v. while I twisted it or got it ready to be styled in the morning. Now . . . Watch t.v.? What is that?) I wonder if I should just wear a short, tight afro. Keep it short and sweet. I don't know.
The question right now is should I cut them now or just let them naturally do what they're going to do. My sister thinks I'm prolonging the inevitable. DH thinks I should do choice two and secretly, I'm hoping that I will experience enough new growth to maybe wrap the new growth around the weak locks and strengthen them. Already, areas where locks have broken have about 1/2" of growth stretched. Okay, I know that is far-fetched but . . . I'm going to keep them till at least they reach they're one year anniversary. I keep hoping that maybe I'll discover something that will keep these locks on my head.
I tell you this, though, this is my absolute last set of locks for this lifetime. Sounds so final, doesn't it?
I cannot even explain how much it means to me to wear locks without getting emotional. It chokes me up. Makes me angry and frustrated that they just won't grow properly. I can't properly describe how I felt when after washing my hair one day, while oiling it, I felt the first thin-rooted lock. How desperately I hoped it was a fluke. How despondent when I realized it wasn't.
Yet, I absolutely cannot stand when folks are sympathetic about my hair. Losing the first set, I would have been open to sympathy. This is what, the fifth set? I've lost count! I don't want sympathy at all!! Maybe empathy. But I don't really know many folks who empathize. At this point, it's just what it is.
DH has beautiful (I mean gorgeous) locks that have grown past his bottom. I laugh because when we met 5 years ago, he had some loose hair in his "kitchen" that are now full-fledged locks over a foot long. I can't believe his good fortune sometimes! I often think that, theoretically, I should be jealous, you know, of people with long, beautiful locks. But somehow, I'm not. It's separate . . . I don't want someone else's locks. I would have liked to have my own!
It has been such a tumultuous journey and struggle trying to grow locks. I started off as a loose natural, and locked because it meant commitment to my personal politics and to my spirituality. My personal politics and my spirituality have matured and changed over the years yet locks have always meant and still mean so much to me. My locks or lack of locks has been the source of a lot of hurt (I have been trodding in this RastafarI trodition where locks are the hallmark of ones who trod). To not have locks . . . I can't help but wonder how many people have questioned my commitment. I can't help to feel slighted when ones and ones will hail (greet) my Kingman (DH) but not give me a sideways glance. But I realize too, that those who matter don't mind and those that mind, don't matter. Because the sistren and bredren that mean the most to me in this world would still embrace me. Even if I were bald.
I have come to terms with the fact that my locks will never be long. It doesn't seem that my hair is strong enough to handle the weight of locks. And you know what? Even if I did find some magical potion that would strengthen my hair and guarantee that the locks would grow and wouldn't thin at the root and snap off, I'm not sure I would grow locks again. My spirituality has changed. How I view Jah has changed. Who I am as a person has changed. Your 20s are about changing and hopefully growing. Whereas I used to be highly concerned that I "looked the part", I'm no longer interested in being categorized or boxed in. I'm looking for true freedom and not a rule-book to follow. I'm learning how not to care when people look at me and make a whole list of assumptions based on what they see or what they think they see.
I remember as a little girl seeing people with locks. They were few and far between. I realized way back then that the only way I would have long, flowing hair would be to grow locks. Interesting. I ask myself if growing locks is really just my way of dealing with the Eurocentrism that says that long, flowing hair that blows in the wind is what is more desirable than hair that grows upward. I'd have to say, yes, that this has played a role in the drive to grow locks although I'm not quite sure how big a role. It's in there somewhere though. Yes, I do believe I'm conscious. Hip to the game, if you will. But that doesn't mean I'm not working to undo years of conditioning/socialization.
So there's the spiritual aspect and there's the vanity aspect (because, let's face it, locks are beautiful on men, women and children ) and there's the not-quite-yet resolved in my mind political aspect to growing locks (on the one hand, locks have for me represented rebellion and a certain consciousness but on the other hand there's the whole length/hair growing downwards issue because as a woman, I've been socialized to feel that long, downward growing hair is a woman's glory and beauty).
Nonetheless, I'm holding on to this set for dear life still though because right now, 2/3rds are either gone or on their way out. But I have come to terms with it. I guess, at some point, you would have to. I'm actually kind of looking forward to being a loose natural again. Kind of. I have to go buy some good brushes and combs. Refresh my braiding and twisting skills. Just get into loose natural mode again in a way that meshes with my new life as a busy mother (I just don't have 45 mins. at night to deal with my hair anymore--I used to watch t.v. while I twisted it or got it ready to be styled in the morning. Now . . . Watch t.v.? What is that?) I wonder if I should just wear a short, tight afro. Keep it short and sweet. I don't know.
The question right now is should I cut them now or just let them naturally do what they're going to do. My sister thinks I'm prolonging the inevitable. DH thinks I should do choice two and secretly, I'm hoping that I will experience enough new growth to maybe wrap the new growth around the weak locks and strengthen them. Already, areas where locks have broken have about 1/2" of growth stretched. Okay, I know that is far-fetched but . . . I'm going to keep them till at least they reach they're one year anniversary. I keep hoping that maybe I'll discover something that will keep these locks on my head.
I tell you this, though, this is my absolute last set of locks for this lifetime. Sounds so final, doesn't it?
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I washed my hair yesterday
And it seems that a few more have started to thin at the base of the loc. So disheartening. The one loc that was really skinny at the root, I had to cut that bad boy. It was just dangling there and annoying me. But now I don't know which one is better . . . the patch with no hair or the dangling loc.
On a b
righter note . . . I made cinnamon swirl raisin bread. My baby boy helped me knead and roll out the dough. He was looking forward to the bread when he took his nap and when he woke up, that was the first thing he asked for. He is eating a warm slice right now and he is LOVING it. I think I'll wait till it cools down some more.
On another note, at the library in my town they've started a needlework circle. There are precious few activities I can attend with a baby in tow and so I really hope the library decides to keep the group going. There have been plenty of groups and activities at the library that were just discontinued I suppose because they didn't have the greatest turnout. It was a small group yesterday . . . only 4 ladies so I'm going to put an add on Craig's list and at the local supermarket when I go to see if we can get more folks. Anyway, it was there at the needlework circle that I got my first chance to knit all week. And so, I'm finally making some progress on the cotton crown (hat) I'm making my hubby for summertime. I started a few weeks ago using Manos del Uruguay Cotton Stria in Spice 215. It is a luscious yarn that has beautiful texture. It's knitting up quite nicely on Size 5 circulars. This is my first top-down hat and I'm using the instructions in Knitting from the Top, one of Barbara Walker's classic books. I'd say I'm about 65% done.
Even better than all of that . . . Have you ever heard a song on the radio that you just loved but you didn't know who the artist was? You search everywhere and ask everyone to no avail and then one day . . . you stumble across it. Pure joy!!! So I heard a reggae tune on the radio and for weeks, I've been wanting to know who the artist was and where I could get the song . . . I found it on YouTube after doing a search on google. I've been playing it non-stop ever since. It's "Below the Waist" by Queen Ifrica.
You know me nah go box you down, baby
Now, me just wan hold you down, baby
Him say gwan go put on your thong, baby
And before you know it, it's another, baby!!
Makes me wan wine up mi waist! :)
On a b
righter note . . . I made cinnamon swirl raisin bread. My baby boy helped me knead and roll out the dough. He was looking forward to the bread when he took his nap and when he woke up, that was the first thing he asked for. He is eating a warm slice right now and he is LOVING it. I think I'll wait till it cools down some more.
In other cooking adventures, I made the Jamaican Yuca Shepherd's Pie from Veganomican. My oven is quite old and the broiler just kind of charred the top--but it was actually good that way. We are still eating it as it was a pretty big dish I used to make it. Can I just say it is a fabulous dish? I love curries and this particular dish gave me so many ideas of other curries I can put together. The dish was quite starchy (only about 2 cups of beans) for the whole casserole so it's not going to be a staple dish but in terms of comforting foods, this one ranks very high. I am so excited to make another dish from this cookbook (which, if you didn't notice has 143 customer reviews on Amazon.com, all 5 stars!!).
On another note, at the library in my town they've started a needlework circle. There are precious few activities I can attend with a baby in tow and so I really hope the library decides to keep the group going. There have been plenty of groups and activities at the library that were just discontinued I suppose because they didn't have the greatest turnout. It was a small group yesterday . . . only 4 ladies so I'm going to put an add on Craig's list and at the local supermarket when I go to see if we can get more folks. Anyway, it was there at the needlework circle that I got my first chance to knit all week. And so, I'm finally making some progress on the cotton crown (hat) I'm making my hubby for summertime. I started a few weeks ago using Manos del Uruguay Cotton Stria in Spice 215. It is a luscious yarn that has beautiful texture. It's knitting up quite nicely on Size 5 circulars. This is my first top-down hat and I'm using the instructions in Knitting from the Top, one of Barbara Walker's classic books. I'd say I'm about 65% done.
Even better than all of that . . . Have you ever heard a song on the radio that you just loved but you didn't know who the artist was? You search everywhere and ask everyone to no avail and then one day . . . you stumble across it. Pure joy!!! So I heard a reggae tune on the radio and for weeks, I've been wanting to know who the artist was and where I could get the song . . . I found it on YouTube after doing a search on google. I've been playing it non-stop ever since. It's "Below the Waist" by Queen Ifrica.
You know me nah go box you down, baby
Now, me just wan hold you down, baby
Him say gwan go put on your thong, baby
And before you know it, it's another, baby!!
Makes me wan wine up mi waist! :)
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