Fire Starter

Even though I don't blog about it much anymore, I'm still working on my emergency preparation/survival skills.  Recently, I purchased fire steels.  I had been wanting to add these to our supplies for some time now because I realize that there are situations where matches wouldn't really work (like if the conditions are wet).  I was having trouble figuring out how to create sparks with the fire steel despite following the directions.  Luckily, there's YouTube.  Sorry I couldn't embed the video but Ray Mears, who does the video, has some other really good videos available on YouTube.  (Another interesting channel I found is NaturalBushCraft.)  Not only did I learn how to use my fire steel, I got a tutorial on how to start a fire, an invaluable survival skill.  It's really cold right now but I'm really looking forward to the spring so that I can practice starting fires in the backyard.   

Hysteria

I know I'm not the only one that gets a little annoyed at all the hysteria surrounding impending snowstorms. The news gets everybody so incredibly hyped up--as if we all just moved here from Nigeria yesterday. It's the northeast, folks. We get snow! It's pretty much a guarantee. It may snow a lot. It may snow a little. Either way, we could keep it moving, pretty safely and smoothly at that, if these news people would just stop playing on peoples fears and emotions. If it's an issue of preparation, we live in the northeast. One of our hazards is blizzards. Snow should not be a surprise. As such, everyone should have some kind of preparation for a blizzard in the event that our movement is severely impeded. Enough food to keep you for a few days, at the very least. I mean, be prepared so you don't have to scramble around getting prepared. That's stressful. That causes hysteria. And it's never a good look.

Personally, I'm done with the snow and hope this is the last major snowstorm for the season. It's a great day for lots of tea and hot chocolate and some wonderfully warm baked something.

Photo Credit: "Mendon Ponds in a Blizzard" by Dalboz17 on Flickr.com

Haiti's Earthquake and Some Perspective for Me

Things are relatively peaceful right now at least in this corner of the world. This recession/depression wears on and things are pretty bad but it all still feels surreal. In my household, income is still coming in although overtime is no longer worked for extras like vacations and large ticket items but rather to keep our heads comfortably above water. But thank goodness there's that overtime and I'm super grateful for my Saturday job which pays for Weight Watchers and other little things.

I know the world is changing all around and I know I should be saving saving saving. So when I buy things and do things that are not absolutely necessary such as Weight Watchers, my yoga classes (which I bought on sale in December), that cordless hand-held vacuum that will help keep this place cleaner, I sometimes feel guilty and irresponsible.

In all this preparation for the unknown, though, I realize that too much is unknown and really the single best way to prepare doesn't have to do with storing food or saving money but getting my mind in the right place to handle anything. Including the very real possibility that I may not survive. I'm just looking at the pictures of Haiti and all that and wondering what any amount of money or food stores could have done to keep a building from collapsing on top of you. It makes me cynical but also gives me a little of my freedom to be back.

You see, I am right here in this present moment. This is the circumstance. I live where I do. This is the time I live in. And as much as we like to think we're the master of our own destiny, I'm pretty sure we're not running shit the way we think we are. None of this emergency prep business is a guarantee of anything. The shit may hit the fan in a way that would completely blow our minds and render all our preparations and all our savings a nice little fantasy.

So in whatever way I can, I'm going to try to enjoy my life right here. I've food to eat. A place to live. And a very little wiggle room in terms of finances because of my Saturday job. In the next few months, I can't say what the landscape will look like, if internet will still be widely available, if we'll have access to consistent electricity, if the government will declare martial law or if we'll be invaded by aliens. Shit, it could happen later on today. But right now, none of that is going on.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy and start acting recklessly. But I'm already smart about my money. I don't buy things without thinking. I save as much as I can. I reduce, reuse and recycle. I'm frugal. I'm resourceful. If the ship holds together even somewhat, these are some of the things that will keep me going. And the memory of how much I enjoyed that yoga class that I felt unsure about taking when times weren't as hard. I keep on reading my survival/peak oil type blogs because there's a lot of information but it's with a certain levelheadedness and appreciation of what works for me because along with all the info I'm getting is a whole lot of opinion and speculation. And while no one can predict the future, it's good to be aware of the varying versions of the future that are out there--even if so many of them are bleak and sad and involve a great deal of suffering.

So as I think about my brothers and sisters in Haiti, it brings a lot into perspective. I've been chanting for them non-stop and thinking of some ways I could help. I've already donate but that feels kind of impotent. I don't know--it's such a massive destruction. I also keep wishing people like that fool Pat Robertson would go away and it makes me so sad and angry that there a people who actually agree with him. I have heard White people say time and time again that they should not be held responsible for the actions of their ancestors. Even if Haitian slaves "made a pact with devil," what the hell does that have to do with their descendants? And if I hear one more thinly veiled attempt to blame Haitians for their current sorrow because of voodoo . . . Agh . . . I didn't mean to get off topic. Farai Chideya gives the real history here.

Holding your breath?

It's very plain to see (or at least I think it is) that right now people are hurting financially. The cost of things are going up when people are losing their jobs.  I can't say how grateful I am that the hubby has a (pretty) secure job in healthcare (though I don't have any illusions) and I can't even imagine the fortune I have had so that I was able to land a Saturday gig.

When I started the Saturday job, which is at a learning center, I thought to myself that this would be a great way to keep myself in the job market at least somewhat so that when I'm ready to return to work or go back to school for my doctorate, there's no huge gap in my resume.

But what I notice whenever I start to think of the future is that somewhere deep inside I hold back.  Of course, no one can predict what the future will be.  No one really knows what things will look like a few years from now.  But it can't be only me wondering when the shit is going to hit the fan.  Right now, it seems like so many folks are intensely invested in maintaining the status quo.  Business as usual--with a few very slight modifications to take into account the fact that their money is kind of funny right now.  But you'd have to be seriously delusional to not notice that it is most decidedly not business as usual.  The world is changing in ways we've never seen before.  They are calling this depression (which folks want to still misleadingly call a recession) the Greater Depression.  It will get a whole lot worse before it begins to get better.  And when it gets better, things will be a whole lot different.  Will Ph.Ds be relevant then?  What will a teacher's job look like?  How exactly do you plan when you don't know what you're planning for?

I don't spend money frivolously at all.  I weigh every penny I spend and struggle to stay within my budget.  I think to myself though that this may be the last time for a long time that I'll be able to get those silver earrings I've been looking at, those workout DVDs I've been wanting, so maybe I should just go on and get them.  Then I think to myself . . . in  a few years, will these things even be relevant?  Will I lose weight because I am not eating preferring to give the expensive food to the children while I survive on nuts, raisins, and topinambur (which was about the only thing we were able to grow in abundance this year)? Will I be looking to sell off my silver and gold to facilitate getting the hell out of dodge?

Is that kind of thinking pessimistic?  Or realistic?  And in my day to day dealings, should I be thinking about these things?  How do you go about in life not thinking about them?  How do you pretend that everything is exactly as it's always been (all this talk of recession is really just a hiccup right?  We'll be back in a minute!) when clearly, it's not.

You've read the articles about the "alarming" number of folks needing food stamps now.  What about when the government can't afford to subsidize the food stamp program?  You've heard of the folks who used to donate to food banks who are now accepting donations.  What about when the food banks can't afford to do what they do anymore?

So, yeah, I find myself holding my breath unconsciously sometimes.  You know, you plan your life out and dream about all the things you'd like to see happen.  But you don't hold on to those plans too tightly.  You let those dreams be fluid and loose and start to focus on the most basic of things that could keep you happy.  And alive.  You start to think about ways in which you can become more resilient and more versatile and more adaptable.

I think about my children and wonder about the kind of world they live in.  I just hope they can have childhoods, i.e. that the shit hits the fan after they are grown or something.  I know that's kind of selfish since there are other children coming up after them.  (And why the hell do I still want more kids if I know the condition of the world?)

The taxes where we live are too high and will get higher yet moving in this market is really not a possibility.  Like many folks out there, we'd have to sell to buy and quite frankly, ain't no one buying.  So we just go on paying our mortgage that has us by the gonads.  We are currently breaking even at the end of month even with strict budgets and accounting for every penny spent.  Yet, the list of things we need/want grows steadily--and we as parents struggle to do without, trying to give the kids a sense of abundance while cluing them in to the reality that for us and for many others, money is not growing on any trees.  So I'm determined to sock the money I make at this Saturday job away--tenaciously.  I know how easy it is once you're making money to spend money especially with kids, especially trying to give them all the things I didn't have as a child--like Christmas trees and such.  But my focus now is really and truly saving a good chunk of money while striking that delicate balance.  While avoiding feeling like I'm depriving my children and my self.  Having cash money can serve as good cushion to absorb whatever shocks we may be about to experience.

It strikes, me that this is also a good time to get my spiritual life in order too.  Again, shock absorption. Sure, I've been searching for my path but I am more motivated to focus on finding where I'm supposed to so that I'm there if or when the "just in case" situations happen.  So that I am there when the time comes to exhale.  And figure out what to do next.

The Frugal Fashionista?

Is that an oxymoron?

I'm willing to admit that for the last few years, I was not making an effort to look the best I could possibly look. There are a number of reasons but the main reason is that I was trying to be au naturel and also striving for modesty in my dress. Well, recently, I decided I was tired of looking frumpy, blah and old and decided to try to get my game back together. I stopped wearing sweats and workout clothes in public and started making a consistent effort to give myself a once over before I leave the house. It certainly helps my frame of mind and how I feel about myself.

If you read this blog though, you know that frugality has to be one of my top priorities in order for me to continue being a stay-at-home mom. Getting my game back, though, costs some money. I was trying to hook up my makeup game again. Even though I'm not a big makeup person, I realize a little foundation, lip gloss and eyebrow pencil can go a long way to giving you a polished look. But then I also realized I simply do not have $45 to drop on foundations and stuff. I was trying to revamp my wardrobe with some nice pieces. Now, believe me, I don't really shop other places besides the thrift store but I realized something else the other day while reading an excellent blog that I was recently introduced to: Wildflower. She advocates thinking really, really, really hard about every penny you spend and asking yourself, while looking through the lens of potentially difficult times fast approaching, the hard question: do I really need this ? And if you don't, you don't spend that money.

The thrift store is my slow money leak. I try to go on half-off days and all that but any good thrifter knows that the key to doing well at it is going often. So I go having the idea that I need a pair of nice fitting jeans or something. It's not that I don't have jeans but since my body proportions have changed, what I have doesn't fit quite right. I don't find what I was looking for but I do find 3 or 4 children's books, a cute purse, a nice shirt for one of the boys, or a lovely pair of shoes that would go with a particular blouse. I pay the $10 or whatever--it's great because I know that the stuff I have just purchased could easily be worth about $50.

But this is a slow money leak . . . I'm buying things I don't necessarily need. Just buying them because they're nice to have and more importantly, in relation to me upping my look game, it would be a nice addition to my wardrobe--something that would add pizzazz.

I could very well save that $10 or use it to pay for one of the childrens' activities.

But I also want to look cute. I want to accessorize and feel like I'm stepping out when I go out.

I've talked about this before but recently, it's come up again. So I'm asking myself again, how do I find the balance between being frugal and fashionable?

When I'm talking fashionable, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not a trendy person. I like classic looks with a hint of "what's in". And when I'm talking frugal, I'm talking about frugality with the goal of working toward financial security. I'm talking about saving enough money so that if an emergency hits, we can make moves. And even if no emergency ever happens, having financial security in our old age. Being fashionable is not an absolute necessity. I mean, , strictly speaking, neither is having high speed internet but the whole family uses the computer for entertainment, learning and business especially since we don't have cable. I'd say that things would have to be really hard before we got rid of the internet at home. A new pair of hoop earrings? Another bottle of nail polish? An eyebrow wax? I've thought of growing out my hair and getting it braided . . . These things make you feel nice and like a girl. Taken individually, they don't cost much. Frugality, in my mind, says wear the jewelry you have. Says you have enough nail polish. And no one but you notices your eyebrows.

You see, frugality in my mind has never meant being chic. It means being very practical. It means putting out $100 for a good pair of classic winter boots (which you bought at the end-of season clearance sale for $70). They might not match anything--no one would ever say you put together a cute outfit--but you'll be wearing those boots for years to come. Ah, but sometimes I'd rather pay $70 for the cheaply made boots that look oh so flyy with those jeans I managed to score. Is that irresponsible knowing what I know? Have I been tainted by American consumerism? Or is it the simple fact that I'm a woman and wearing cute stuff induces felicity? I'm constantly amused by those TJ Maxx commercials that talk about Maxxinistas . . . a play on the term fashionista and the newer term "frugalista". I mean, really, how important is fashion and being cute when it comes to survival and thriving in difficult times? Is it important at all?

So is it a necessity? Is your cuteness something you need? Something to really consider and take into account when you are trying to prepare for an uncertain future? It's a challenge weighing out those things that make you feel nice against the a very real reality: that the times are a changing and bank will make the change more manageable.

So, yes, I'm on the lookout for other slow money leaks but I've just identified one glaring one. Plug those small money leaks and you can easily sock away another 10%. The hubby's been saying that for years but I don't know, somehow it just clicked in a profound way the other day. Sometimes, someone else has to say it.

Do I plug the leak?

(((insert Z1's best whiney voice here)))But I don't want to!!!!

A little more money in the pocket, though, might just end up feeling better than being a frugal fashionista in the long run.

Keeping My Head

We were in the backyard today enjoying the lovely fall foliage and the bright, warm sun. Z1 was out there playing with his friend and Z2 was bumbling around doing baby stuff. At one point, he decided to play the game of going in and out of the house, opening and closing the screen door. This goes on for a few minutes and then he decided to close the back door. I didn't even *think* to take off the slam and so there we were. Z2 was locked inside and we were locked outside. I started to wrack my brain thinking of what to do. I hate drama and didn't want the firefighters and police in my space. I ran around the front to see if maybe I had left the front door open for some reason. It was locked. I called my family who lives upstairs hoping that maybe someone had stayed home from church. No one was home. I told myself to stay calm. Z2 had just started to cry now that he realized I couldn't get to him. I listened to myself and stayed calm. I took one of the resin chairs to the window at the side of the house, pried the bug screen off and shimmied the window open. There are stops on the windows that keep it from opening more than 3-4 inches. I applied some force and broke the stops. Then I scooted through the window surprised at the upper body strength I have. I mean really surprised. Once in, I dusted myself off and closed the window on to get my baby. As soon as the crisis was over, I had some time to reflect. I am disturbed at how simple it is to get into our locked house but pleased that an intruder couldn't really get in undetected if someone is home. I was very pleased with my ability to stay calm and collected. I was pleased with my ability to keep my head and with my ability to think without panicking. I was pleased with my own strength too.

Other projects today included finally collecting my family's emergency supplies in one large bin and putting together our grab-and-go bag (the hubby still needs to put in his change of clothes). I developed a list of things I still need to purchase and I'll be working on that within the grocery budget this week. This week I'm thinking about meet-up plans in the case of emergency, i.e. developing a plan to get us all out of immediate danger even if we're in different places. I also want to get a laminated checklist of things to grab/we should have in a hurry.

Of course, I'm approaching all this with a levelheadedness that was not there before. I'm watching and waiting patiently. And keeping my gas tank 1/2 full at all times.

Freecycle Scores, etc . . .

So it appears my diapering days are drawing to a close. As such, I am not trying to put out any more money to buy diapers. But in all honesty, my diapers are on their last leg. I mean, some of them are little more than shreds of fabric held together by my sheer will to make them last. Anyway, thanks to Freecycle, we have some new items to add to the rotation which will hopefully keep us afloat a little longer.

Eight Proraps Trainers

An assortment of inserts/doublers including one Hemparoos insert and two from Motherease (that's Z1's hand--he had to be in the picture even though when I ask him to sit for a picture, he usually scrunches up his face and pitches a fit or runs and hides--go figure)

Two Bummis Super Whisper Wraps

2 Medium Fuzzi Bunz (I'm looking forward to using these as all my Fuzzi Bunz need an additional cover)

I'm thrilled!

On another note, I haven't talked about emergency prep in a while now and while I'm no longer obsessing as I once was, I'm still keeping a close eye on my pantry and my emergency supplies. I realized that while I have our emergency supplies in my house, they are not in one centralized location, i.e. a bag. So I've identified a good bag, one that's not being used for anything, and this weekend I will consolidate all our emergency supplies including change of clothes.

On another note still, I found a wonderful children's book in the thrift store the other called The Wednesday Surprise.

I love when children's books paint pictures of ordinary, working class families. Families where people have to ride the bus and fathers are off at work for days and weeks at time. Where mom works too and grandma has to come babysit. Eve Bunting, one of my favorite children's authors who also penned another favorite of mine Flower Garden, has done it again with The Wednesday Surprise. It's highly recommended and while I don't think Z1 could fully appreciate the book at his age, I'm glad that we've added it to our collection.

Refuse to Be a Victim Seminar

The hubby is anti-firearms, i.e. he doesn't want me to get a gun, doesn't want a gun in the house. I do. I want one and I want to learn to use one very well. I believe when children are young, you keep the firearm 100% out of their reach. As they get older and can understand a bit more and get the concept of death, you explain to them what it is.

Anyway, there are other means of self-defense and while I'm not really interested in taking a formal martial arts class, something really appealed to me. It's the "Refuse to Be a Victim" Seminar offered by the NRA which I discovered after following the link on the post "Somebody is Killing Black Mothers and Daughters" on the blog What About Our Daughters. I've already found the closest seminar to me and it seems like it is an ongoing thing. It's very reasonable price-wise too. Well, my emergency preparation goals this week include finding out the schedule and signing up. I still think a firearm has its place but I'm hoping this class will give me confidence in my ability to defend myself and my babies since so often it's just me and them.

I believe in self-defense and self-love. To me, self-defense and self-love go hand-in-hand. Yes, I'm all about peace and harmony. But you can't practice peace and harmony if you're dead. And in these difficult times, I know we'll start to see more and more acts of desperation, sometimes violent. It only makes sense to learn how to keep you and yours safe.

How do you feel about firearms? Self-defense classes? Home security systems? Etc . . . ?

This week's preparation project. . .

Was supposed to be acquiring canning supplies and learning to shut off the electricity, gas, and water to the house. However, another blackout on Wednesday lit some fire underneath my behind to get our emergency lighting situation together. On Tuesday, I was able to get some candles from a fellow freecycler. We have two small, surprisingly bright LED flashlights that are battery powered. One of those sat upright can illuminate the whole bathroom. I purchased a set of three lanterns that are battery operated but have a hand-crank for back up power and one lantern that is mainly hand-crank powered but has a electrical port to charge it. Since the hubby is a buyer's club member and had a coupon, I also went ahead and bought a hand-crank weather radio. Glad to cross all that off my list. I hope these three blackouts we've had this winter are not foreshadowing of many more blackouts this summer. We have a lot of blackouts already during the summer but we've never had so many during the winter. We'll see. I keep thinking about how easily my grandmother would get out the kerosene lamps when we were visiting in Nigeria. She'd light them and life would continue on as usual. Nobody batted an eye when the electricity went out. I'm trying to make sure blackouts don't interfere with our living and we might even do voluntary blackouts from time to time just to get used to it. I heard a while back that for some children with autism, turning out all the electrical lights at night really helps them. I always found that interesting. Anyway, I think I might complete my original preparedness project via Amazon.com what with their free shipping and one-stop shopping and all. I do not really want to be hopping from shop to shop trying to find eveything with two kids in tow.

Photo Credit: "This Red Kerosene Lamp" by finishing-school on Flickr.com

This week's preparation goal . . .

Was to find out places where I could safely fish that are close by. It seems that fish caught in the wild are very toxic and the emphasis is more on sportfishing than on fishing for food. That is a real shame. I'm turning my focus to beans and legumes.

Here are some emergency preparedness/self-sufficiency/survival resources:
Survival Podcast
Causubon's Book (I added a gadget to my sidebar: 100 Ways to Prepare for Peak Oil)

I like both of these because they appeal to your common sense and intellect.

Back-to-Basic Ways to Keep Yourself Looking Good

One thing that's generally clear about women cross-culturally is the desire (or maybe even need) to feel lovely, beautiful, flawless. Most women like to walk into a room and have heads turn. We do all sorts of things to achieve this (especially pre-marriage and pre-children when we are free to focus 100% of our energies on us). Now that most of us are tightening our belts, we've had to chuck a lot of the things we may have been doing to help us achieve that sense of outward flawlessness. I know at Whole Foods the other day, I had to put back some very nice soaps that I wanted because my grocery bill was way over what I had on hand to spend. As I read folks' blogs, I hear ladies talk about cutting out manicure/pedicure visits, learning to do their own hair (and sometimes stumbling along the way) or going longer periods of time before paying the hairdresser a visit, and eliminating other things (they don't have to be huge things either) that used to help us achieve our signature flyness. So I got to thinking: if the shit really hit the fan and we were suddenly thrown into chaos, what are some practical ways that we as women could retain a sense of flyness? It's important to our survival as whole women (not just physical survivors).

Now, I'll be the first to admit, with a three year old and a one year old, and with only one household income, it's a challenge to make sure I feel good about how I look when I step out. It's much easier to throw on any old thing and go. But it's a challenge I at least try to meet just because for me personally, feeling positive abour how I look changes how I approach the world. If I feel good about how I look, even with two kids in tow, I have a spring in my step and I can turn heads. Wanting to feel good about how I look drives my physical fitness efforts. It's what makes me choose a pretty headwrap and make the effort to wrap it instead of tossing on a hat.

I've been getting into World Made by Hand recently and the words that come to mind are "stark" and "difficult". I think to myself: I already have limited resources and limited time . . . what if I had even less? What if most of the resources and time went into physically surviving? First off, would I even care how I look? Secondly, with nothing to really work with, if I did care, what could I do about it?

So I thought about it and came up with at least one way to feel beautiful despite whatever is going on: rose water. Out back we have an old rose bush that the hubby's grandmother used to tend. It no longer flowers but back when granny attended it, it was beautiful, so I hear. I don't know if it will happen this year as my focus is on vegetable gardening, but I am going to get that rose bush back to flowering (if not plant a new one). Why? Because it looks beautiful and being surrounded by beauty helps us feel the same but also to make rosewater. If you've ever smelled rosewater, it's divine. It is rosey but not overly so. And it's not too hard to make at home. You can use it as a toner/refresher or as a body spritz or as a linen spray. I buy commercially made rose water now but it's good to know that if I had to, I could make the stuff. I've tried my hand at making rosewater lotion (emulsion of rosewater and jojoba oil I think) . . . not so good.

You know, every time I hear a story of disaster or difficulty, what often strikes me most is people's desire to feel human. For women, one aspect of our humanity, it seems, is beauty. Often you hear that for women who have been through hard times, a little perfume or nail polish goes a long way to alleviate the suffering.

(I'm editing this post 03/10/09 in the interest of keeping my blog positive and not catty.)

I am interested in being the best we can be especially in difficult times. I'm not talking about being 100% perfect--no one is. I'm talking about you feeling good about how you look (really doesn't matter how anybody else feels). Ms. Erykah Badu sang one of my most favorite songs (Cleva) and I love how the words always apply. It's acknowledging that your dress may be $7 and your hair may not be quite right . . . and so what? I'm.still.flyy.

We hope for the best always but in the event of the worst, it's helpful, in my mind, to think about ways that we could still feel gorgeous in spite of. To me, a big part of emergency preparedness (aside from physical survival) is keeping your mentals intact so why not incorporate this aspect? It's imperative to meditate or pray or do whatever you do to ground yourself but it's also important to me as a woman to think of little back-to-basic ways to feel good about how I look.

The Practice of Tonglen

In order to have compassion for others, we must first have compassion for ourselves.

The Practice of Tonglen
The Tonglen Practices

Generally on Saturdays I stay off the computer. It is a much needed respite from all the information that comes my way via the internet. This Saturday I woke at 4:45 AM and began my morning meditation. The day before I had gotten myself into a tizzy trying to think of ways to shore up my household in the face of an impending economic collapse. So I was ready to sit down, get very quiet and find a balance again.

So I opened up The Meditation Bible and ran across the powerful practice of Tonglen, " . . . a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart". When I first read how to do it, I thought to myself, "This is crazy" but I decided to do it anyway. And it was indeed powerful.

Basically what you do is breathe in fear, suffering, pain. Breathe it into your heart. Then you visualize it dissipating in there. Then you breathe it out. I did this for about ten minutes and when I finished, I felt so incredibly light. It's so counter intuitive, I know, but it was amazing. After I did that, I chanted for about 20 minutes and all the negativity I was feeling, worry, stress was completely gone. I felt like I was glowing. After that I practiced my yoga and I'm still feeling light as I write this.

This morning I did Tonglen for Others. Equally powerful.

Sometimes my spiritual practice tends to feel forced as I search for my personal path. Since I left Christianity, into which I was born and bred, I've been a little unsure. And since having children, I feel like it's even more important to "figure it out" because I'd like to give them a secure spiritual footing, a way to navigate this world, a connection. I know I get closer every day and I remind myself that we cannot know everything while in the flesh. It was good to find that the discovery of Tonglen came quite naturally and the practice feels . . . easy. Not forced. Kind of like yoga for me.

"We begin to feel love both for ourselves and others and also we being to take care of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and it also introduces us to a far larger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. At first we experience this as things not being such a big deal or so solid as they seemed before. "

Tonglen is about connectedness and compassion. Realizing that what you're dealing with, others are dealing with too. For me, it's one way that I'm successfully coping with and navigating these uncertain times.

If you know me . . .

. . . you know I worry. A lot. Sometimes it borders on anxiety.

I really wish it were summer. Warm outside. Lots of activities so that I could take my boys out and we could be out. Away from the internet and television. Just living life and taking it as it comes. But it's cold as heck outside and try as I might, I keep gravitating towards this darn computer and every time I do, I'm hit with one more warning.

"Get ready!"
"Stockpile 6 months of food"
"Learn how to butcher a cow"
"Learn how to make soap"
"You should have planted your garden eons ago"

I get almost paralyzed because I don't know what to do first or next. I don't think I'm doing enough. Don't know enough. And all this is back-dropped by the fact that no one around seems remotely concerned about any of it. As far as folks are concerned, it's just a bad spell.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel like a crazy person all alone on my own crazy island.

Anyway, come Monday I'm making a trip to Costco:
peanut butter
peanuts and other nuts
soy milk
canned tomato products
raisins and dates
vegetable and olive oils
alcohol and hydrogen peroxide as well as any other first aid stuff they have

To Trader Joe's
Rice milk
pastas
tofu
tempeh

I'm still making lists . . .

Purchased some more books too after having made a little money typing last week:
Encyclopedia of Natural Remedies and Readers Digest Back to Basics. Both used and with shipping and handling, less than $15. Can't wait till they come.

Yes, I'm paranoid and worried. Trying to follow through with sensible actions and trying to stay calm and focused. Still wondering how to effectively cope spiritually and mentally . . . I feel like I need some kind of blueprint and plan. It's too easy for me to get into these kind of tizzies.

Still, no one ever said, "Dang it, I wish I hadn't been prepared" so I know that whatever happens, it's not a waste.

Now I'm going to try to stay the heck off the computer.

I came home yesterday . . .

To find all the electricity had gone out. We'd had terrible winds all day and some power lines must have gotten knocked down. I immediately thought about two blog posts I had read in the morning. Needs vs. Wants: Do you know the difference? by BlackGirlinMaine and especially Drowning in Problems by Keep It Trill who in that post wrote that given the current economic excrement heap we find ourselves in, "a third to half of us may be lucky to have Internet service next year."

I so totally recognize so many of the luxuries we have been mindlessly enjoying living in America. When I came home to find out that the electricity was out, I didn't think about the food in the fridge spoiling or the boiler and water heater not being able to work (actual necessities)--I thought about THE INTERNET not working.

I had a good chuckle at myself. I hadn't thought about KIT's words until I came home and there was no internet. I *just* paid a HEFTY Con Edison bill (electric and gas). The last thing I was looking for was interrupted service. I almost got out my corded phone to call somebody and demand answers. So could it be that we could go on paying our bills, our taxes and just one day *poof* those services disappeared? Who could we talk to? What could we do? As it is, Con Ed has us by the nutsack. How can you dispute what they say? Can you physically go out there and fix things when they break? Nope.

I remember learning when I visited Nigeria last that paying your bills was no guarantee that your electricity would work and that going to work was no guarantee that you'd be paid. Being in Ghana taught me that there is a fundamental difference living in the U.S. and living in "the third world": realness. In Ghana, when the electricity got caught off, I immediately thought about my food that would most likely spoil in the fridge. I noticed how little folks actually relied on the fridge. Food was cooked daily and hardly anything was stored in the ice box. I noticed that I started to buy food that wouldn't spoil easily and food that I actually intended on eating very soon. That's real. I noticed so many unfinished houses and rickety, hooptie cars. No, roads weren't filled with late model cars and I certainly saw no Hummers. But folks really owned what they live in and drive. In Nigeria, I learned, being wasteful with water would mean you were at the mercy of whoever delivered the water to cook, bathe, etc . . . real. That's what's lacking most living here: instead of being focused on real stuff, we worry about illusory things like the internet.

Anyway, I don't have cable. I don't have fancy clothes or many fancy things. In most ways, I'm very practical and I live as humbly as I can. I often think I'd be okay if my family and I had a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear and a little tiny extra to make life special sometimes. But I sure do love my high speed internet. I'm too attached to it. Even sometimes I think addicted. I need it. I know it would do me good to do a week long detox. Even the one day break I take on Saturday is not enough. I need to purge a little more than that. So that in the event that internet gets cut off, I won't have to go through forced withdrawal. I want to be able to take note, miss it, and go crochet or knit (activities that I often neglect in favor of the net). I feel the same way about my car but to a lesser extent because with small children, not having a car would really challenge my mobility especially in the winter. But still, every so often I walk a distance that is a little less than comfortable, that would be much more easily done driving, just to remind myself.

I don't really talk about politics too much or get too up in arms about what's going on in Washington. I know, though, that the "bail out" is not going to get us out of this. Certain things I just have always known and don't surprise me--like that they were going to try to do a bail out. When a ship is sinking, you have to be wise enough to put on your life jacket, blow up your inflatable raft and abandon ship. Sometimes talking about politics and personalities is just a distraction from getting your own stuff together--figuring out what to do now that you know the ship is really sinking; devising a good plan that will potentially work no matter who is in office or how hard others are bailing water and pretending the thing is not sprouting holes everywhere. Preparing for the worst while hoping for the best--even if the only best that can be hoped for is good food, clean water, a roof, and some clothes.

And the hubby and I agree: if things get so bad, if the U.S. turns back into a developing nation, we'll be on the first thing smoking back to Nigeria (or Ghana). Because without the opportunity the U.S. offers, there is nothing, just nothing for which to stay here. If the dreams of all these racist folks who hope Obama fails come true, they can certainly have what's left.

These are challenging times we're in and that means that we have to be willing to personally challenge ourselves? Are you up the challenge?

Suggested Reading: Poverty of Imagination.

Photo Credit: Playing on the Computer by fd on Flickr

Not Feeling It . . .

. . . Not personally at least. The recession/depression, that is. I'm hearing all the news about the layoffs that have already happened and the ones that are coming. I'm hearing the horrific stories of people's hopelessness and desperation because of the loss of their job . I can feel the energy of despondency, worry and uncertainty.

But personally, life is going on as usual for me. I'm fortunate that the hubby has a job in health care that is in demand. He has plenty of opportunity to do overtime. Any financial crunch we might be feeling right now is alleviated with one or two extra shifts. We have been, more or less, financially responsible with our only major debt being our mortgage, student loans and my car (his is paid off). We don't have any credit card debt and with overtime, we can pay down our other debt monthly without too much angst.

In discussing my "out of the loopedness" with the hubby, he pointed out that we've also been living frugally for ages. The thrift store has been part of our lives since we were children. We've been cutting down here and there for a long time without having the intense pressure of survival necessity bearing down on our shoulders. We've been doing it to get ahead not to survive. So if the times now call for us to do it to survive, if that's what it turns into, it's okay because we already know how. When we sat down a few months ago to look at our books and realized we were barely breaking even (our mortgage turned out to be taking a larger percentage of our monthly income than we initially thought it would be due to higher property taxes), we stopped, re-evaluated, cut back and then cut some more. With overtime (without it, I certainly would have had to go back to work), in a few months, we corrected the situation. (We joke when we see something we like but don't need, "Ah, we should have bought that pre-cutbacks.") We're serious and determined. We're able to plan a garden without making too much of a mental jump, and even considering turning the whole backyard, or at least a substantial portion, into a garden. That doesn't blow our minds. We don't miss going out to eat or going to movies because those haven't been big parts of our lives for the longest time. We're not stressing each month about making our credit card payments because we've been realistic about things we need and don't need, can afford and can't afford. I mean, we have debt similar to many Americans but we were already on track to get rid of that debt (i.e. not accruing more). A few months ago I borrowed The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and was pleasantly surprised to find out that we were following his plan (which some folks swear by) to the letter without ever having read his book.

On other folks' blogs I read about the effects of the recession but I really don't feel it personally and honestly, I wouldn't really know it was going on if I wasn't online/watching television. Over the last week, I've been going back and forth to Target trying to get a yoga mat that works for me. Every time I've been there, no matter what time of day, the lot is packed and there are plenty of folks spending money on all kinds of stuff. The way the media is talking about this recession, I would think by now folks would be coming into Target to maybe get one or two necessities and that's it. But nope, folks are still buying everything and anything. I think that if I worked outside of the home, interacting closely with more adults, I'd maybe get a better sense of the situation. But when I look outside my window, life is going on as usual. While I scour Ebay for cheap workout DVDs, folks around me are still going to the gym. While the library is my main source of entertainment, folks are still going to see movies and still buying DVDs and such. I see Whole Foods on a monthly basis and skip over their produce section altogether but it seems others are not. So I just can't really see it or feel it.

Maybe it's because I live in New York. If you can make it here in New York, they say, you can make it anywhere and it's true. Even driving in NY takes a level of skill and bravery that folks elsewhere don't really grasp. New York is a notoriously difficult place to get along but also rather affluent simply because of what it is. Folks who leave often find it difficult to get re-acclimated to the pace and the requirements and don't return for long. New Yorkers are generally used to used to having ample opportunities to make more money by working harder and hustling, used to being high energy and high intensity. This recession may not be as keenly felt here as it is in other parts of the country. Like the hubby, many folks here seem to be making up for the rising cost of living simply by working more. The city never sleeps so if you don't mind, if you've got it in you, if you need to, you can work when you're supposed to be sleeping.

Of course, I don't think life will go on as usual forever. I know that a change is coming. A fundamental change to the way we live our lives. We'll all feel it eventually. And while I welcome change and look forward to it, a part of me just likes the familiarity of life right now. The convenience. I visited Ghana two years ago and while I loved it, let me tell you, I don't take the advanced U.S. infrastructure for granted: decent roads, sophisticated sewage and garbage collection, reliable power grids. Could I be all right it I didn't have those things. Of course. It was amazing how quickly I got used to not hopping on the net every fifteen minutes. I didn't get online for the whole two weeks I was there because I really didn't want to be bothered with internet cafes which is the way most folks use the internet in Ghana (and in most of Africa).

Well, back to my main point. I'm giving thanks for where we are as a family and I'm happy I'm not feeling it. I can even get some extras here and there within reason. I'm grateful for that indeed because some of the desperate stories I'm hearing drive home the point that these times we are living in can be truly dreadful and if we don't watch it, we can get swallowed up. Easily. I won't talk too much about the importance of keeping our priorities straight but I will say that it's not that serious.

Change is the Only Constant

When you study evolution and ecology, you learn the phrase "survival of the fittest" and all that means is that if a species successfully changes or adapts itself to handle a certain environmental challenge, it does not go extinct. For us, being fit means being willing to change not only our way of living completely but also our way of thinking, as I've said before.

Pretty much everyone can (or should) sense that things are changing right now. Even if you don't buy into the peak oil theory or if you believe that what the U.S. is facing right now is just a recession, a mere "bump in the road" on the way to continued "riding high" in terms of the American way of life, life as we know it is changing. What determines whether or no we make it though, is our ability to adapt.

(I stay far away from over-reading the news . . . but of course, unless you live under a rock somewhere, you've heard of the conflict going on right now between Israel and Palestine. I don't take sides except the side of innocent children on every side. I just want to scream, "Stop the bullshit already!" Think of yourselves as the image of God. This way of thinking just doesn't work anymore and will surely lead to extinction.)

But I digress. So this morning I'm getting dressed and I am thinking about how cold it is. I live in an old house. The house might not even have initially been hooked up with heaters at all. It's cold in here and I want to be warm. So I pull out long johns of all kinds, wool sweaters . . . but as I'm getting ready to get dressed, it strikes me. If I put on all this stuff inside the house, it won't really help much when I get outside. The high today is 15 degrees with a windchill of -6.

I started thinking about adaptability. We dress in layers to face the cold outside, put on coats, hats and gloves. But adaptability doesn't always mean adding stuff to or putting stuff on. Sometimes we have to induce the body to get used to certain things . . . to learn to handle them. Now, I'm not saying we get used to freezing temperatures but every once in a while, it might do us some good to step outside for one or two minutes in the freezing cold without any extra stuff. Feel it. Process it.

Since having kids (and subsequently adding a little extra padding), I really hate packing on clothes to go outside because it limits my mobility. I usually am juggling kids, diaper bags, toys, books, groceries, etc. So, I find myself dealing with the extreme cold covered in less so that I can do more things more efficiently. And recently I've found that on days when folks are whimpering about how deathly cold it is outside, I'm saying to myself, "Hey, it's not that bad."

I remember a story my sistren told me about a group of indigenous people in Australia who the White explorers hired to show them the terrain. It would get to upwards of 105 degrees during the day and plummet to 30 degrees at night. The indigenous folks didn't flinch and seemed comfortable at any temperature without adding or taking away from their minimal amount of clothing. They had adapted fabulously to the climate, slowing up metabolism and dropping body temperature in the day whiled speeding things up internally during the cold nights. The White explorers, on the other hand, did not have the extra equipment they were accustomed to using to deal with extreme temperatures. They were at a distinct disadvantage (and of course, fascinated by the brown folks).

The point of this post is this: change is a-coming, we know that. It was coming long before Obama said so. It doesn't hurt us to think about ways that we can adapt that don't include putting on/acquiring/getting more stuff. The key to peak oil is not electric cars but returning to a walking lifestyle. The key to weathering the weather is not always packing on more stuff, getting more high-tech clothes but it's training the body to be nimble, flexible and adaptable. I'm not suggesting we all throw out our winter gear but let's every once in a while remind our bodies and ourselves that our survival is based on our ability to adapt. Physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Change is the only constant.

Photo Credit Cold Weather Gear by mbgriby on Flickr

Crazy and Insane

I don't know.

Sometimes I think it's not natural to be a stay-at-home mom, cut off, for the most part, from a large variety and array of adults. Personally, I tend to make up for that by talking to the hubby about conversations he had with his co-workers at work and, most significantly, by reading blogs and message boards. I wonder at times if by doing this, I've created for myself an alternate reality, a little bubble that's not quite in touch with what's really going on in the world.

I mean, I really feel like we're in another great depression, larger in magnitude than the first and with more far-reaching consequence. I really feel like when the depression is "over," life as we know it will be completely and utterly different. Unrecognizable.

Maybe if I spoke to more people in real life, I wouldn't feel like I could very well be a nutcase because I'd come to realize that they feel that way too. That it's not just bloggers who are sounding the warning alarm and preparing themselves for the worst. That real-life people are really conscious of what's going on.

Or is it that the world at large and the few people I speak to are really blissfully unaware? They really don't know. Do they really think these are just "tough economic times?"

Is it insanity not to notice the signs?

Even astrology confirms that the time we are in is going to be a seriously difficult time. Is it silly to look to astrology for confirmation?

I might be crazy. I might be insane. But I am preparing myself spiritually and mentally for whatever may come. Good. Bad. Or ugly.

I meditate and affirm every morning. My spirit has to be in the right place to deal with a crisis. I work my mind every day. I have to be mentally fit to fix things and overcome challenges--even stuff I never thought I'd have to do. Like learn how to use a firearm.

The age of driving everywhere is coming to a close. I really believe that. So yes, I want to get in shape so I can fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes but I also want to be in shape because that gives me a better chance of survival. If I can run a mile, walk even more miles especially with a baby on my back, that gives me an advantage. I leave the double stroller at home more often now so that Z1 gets accustomed to walking. Long distances. Whenever I drive 20 or 30 minutes someplace, I think to myself that once the days of motoring are over, these kinds of trips are over. It would literally take me days to make a trip that would take 30 minutes driving. I wonder when fuel is no more, will I ever get to see my people back in Naija? Will I be stuck here in the U.S. . . . should I be making plans to move now while there's still some oil left?

Am I excited over lowered gas prices? Yes. It allows me to use the savings to stock up my pantry, buy books on gardening and other supplies that we may need. I know these low gas prices are a fake-out. I don't have any complicated studies to back up my feeling. I just know it. I don't drive unless I have to. It annoys me that where we live is so cold right now that unless we stay home, driving is often justified. As soon as Z2 walks well though, we will drive a whole lot less. I'm keeping it in focus. Driving is and always has been a luxury.

When I use water in my home I practice conservation not because I'm trying to be "green" but because there may be a day when conservation is *not* a choice, when water is rationed and scarce. Cloth diapering is great but it may one day be impractical. So I learn about elimination communication (natural infant hygiene) now. I hope to have Z2 out of diapers come late spring/early summer. I hope to know enough about it to show others around me who may need to learn. Having clean, running water is a luxury, unfortunately. Not a right.

I speak to my children about being resourceful and not wasting things because they can. Z1 in a store will ask for up to 25 things. I will counter each request with, "We don't need that."

Remember when I scored that cast-iron pot at the thrift store. I was so happy not just because I love the way food cooks in cast-iron but because . . . you can cook over an open flame with cast-iron. I have seriously thought about what kind of rig-up we could rig-up so I could cook in the fireplace.

Look, there are things I want like a new set of knitting needles. One part of me says "Save everything you can" while another part says "You might never have the opportunity to buy this stuff again with inflation." Are these the thoughts of a crazy person or a person who really knows what the hell is going on?

Have I jumped too enthusiastically on the conspiracy theory wagon? Again? Maybe.

Whatever, man. I'd rather err on the side of caution with this one. I'm focusing on emergency preparedness. Short term and long term.

The garden is in full swing this spring.

How are you coping spiritually/mentally . . .

In light of this impending economic collapse?

How are you staying balanced and not panicking?
------------------
The hubby and I finally sat down and really looked at our books. Thank God for savings. We are hardly breaking even. Groceries have skyrocketed--I bought 5 lbs of flour for 3.50 last month. The same bag of flour was $4.50 last time I went. I am not kidding. This damn car payment. The mortgage. Incidentals and Accidentals. I'm regretting every purchase I've made over the past few months even though intellectually I know that I'm not a frivolous spender. But maybe I could have waited on that Vitamix (though it is really facilitating the green smoothies and I feel really good inside--better than I have in a long time--the other blender wasn't so bad, was it?). And why didn't I put an end to organic groceries month ago? Boy, the belt has just gotten tighter. Feels like a damn girdle. DH is working madd overtime. I'm looking for a way to bring in some kind of income without going back to work full time (would any one even hire me?).

So, I really need to get back to doing my journaling with discipline. Doing my affirmations. Something to help me stay balanced and not panic.

Was going to blog about pasta and tofu "meat" balls. Maybe tomorrow. I'm tired. And worried.

There's so much going on in the world right now

That it seems kind of self-centered to be talking about myself. But this blog is about myself so . . . here I go.

I thought I'd elaborate more on my feelings about cutting my hair. Interestingly enough, the predominant emotion I feel is anger. I can't say that is directed toward anyone or anything but I'm just angry that I cannot have the head full of long, lustrous locks that I have desired for so long. Aesthetically, hair wise, few styles are more pleasing to my eyes than healthy looking, flowing dreadlocks. Since I wasn't lying when I said this last set would be my last set, I am sadly letting go of the dream of having them. It seems that by letting go of dreadlocks, there's a whole set of other things I'm letting go of/realizing. But all that is for my personal journal as I'm not ready to put it out there like that.

Currently I'm trying to convince myself that I look good with my hair this short. I'm also trying to be cool because it might never grow. Maybe through all of this I will come to find out that, surprise, it's all genetic. That thought struck me especially hard when my baby brother who's 17 showed me a bald spot. Come to think of it, lots of guys on my mom's side deal with thinning hair. Maybe this has something to do with my hair loss. Who knows? What I do now is that this whole hair journey has been completely and utterly exhausting. So aside from the anger, I also feel relief.

I am still working hard on emergency preparedness despite the fact that DH thinks I'm "paranoid" and "making him crazy". I'm working on our first aid kit and trying to get some lanterns/other light sources together. Tomorrow, I'm sending DH out to get massive amounts of bottled water. In a few weeks, we should be somewhat recovered financially and we'll be able to purchase the water filter. I can then save the bottled water. I want to find some water purifying tablets. I'm going to apply for Z2's passport on Tuesday. Tomorrow I'm headed to Whole Paycheck for my once monthly trip. Mostly I'll be buying bulk grains and beans.

I've been adhering to the grocery budget and still managing to stock the pantry. It's amazing how much further the dollar stretches when you do non-organic.

Other than that, I'm keeping my ear to the ground and taking everything in stride, trying to find some faith.

A couple of things

Both the boys are asleep. At the same time. So I figured I'd take the opportunity to post a few things.

1. I cut my locks off. Right now, I think I look like a guy. DH hates short hair on women. And I can't seem to grow mine. If I had it, I'd go get some kinky twists or something. But I don't. And DH hates fake hair anyway. More later on how I feel about the whole thing.

2. I figured out how I'm going to cut my grocery spending. I've set a price limit of $480 per month. That means $120 a week. I will buy all fruits/veggies on one set day and all other groceries on one set day. I will limit my fruit/veggie purchasing to the 'hood (walking distance, i.e. no gas). All spending on organic food is on hiatus. I'll be on the lookout for the odd locally grown fruit/veggie. Whole Foods once a month for eggs (2-3 dozen) and other specialty items not found elsewhere. This trip will be combined with Zion's structured playgroup in the same town (no special trip to Whole Foods). I am giving myself $30 wiggle room. The last few month's overspending on groceries, the Vitamix and medical expenses totaled well over $1000. Not good at all. The next few months are going to be lean so that we can recover.

3. In reading a blog I began following called Muslim Bushido (excellent blog, by the way), I came across The Survival Podcast, an excellent resource for those of us serious about preparing for economic collapse.

4. I am considering getting a gun license and purchasing a gun (again). In the event of economic collapse, I would like to be able to protect myself. I've already been robbed once in my house and once out of my car and there was no economic hardship. I can only imagine what my so called fellow townspeople would do if there was an economic emergency. With two small babies, I'm scared about it. Also, I don' t know how to use one. I have to look into how much lessons would cost.

5. I'm looking and learning (in the very preliminary stages) about stockpiling: whole grains, dried beans. Equipment: canning supplies, hand powered grain mill, etc. I'm trying to be balanced and leveled.

6. We turned over the ground for our vegetable garden. I am going to find some containers around here for growing tomatoes (which grow easily in containers) and use the plot for other crops.

7. I have no shirts/blouses for the fall. They are all either too big (I was pregnant last fall) or too small (I wasn't this size the previous fall) or just really jacked up (I wear clothes till they literally fall apart). Here's to hoping that a trip to a shopping area in another 'hood will perhaps yield a score of 3-4 shirts that fell off the truck (i.e. name brand shirts being sold for bargain basement prices). 3-4 shirts with my 4-5 skirts = a decent fall wardrobe, I suppose. If I worked outside the home, that would be different.

Well, that's all that's what's on my mind.