I'm Going to Give Thanks

My baby girl (Z3) is set to have surgery to repair a hernia.  Z2 had a hernia as well but it was in a different location and most likely would (and did) resolve on it's own.  I sat down with the doctor yesterday and he took his time to explain to me in great detail exactly what a hernia is and how to fix it. The placement of Z3's hernia makes self-resolution very unlikely and it's the doctor's recommendation that we take care of it sooner than later.  I was keeping my fingers crossed that we would not need surgery.  

I've been dealing with insomnia on top of allergies on top of just the normal waking up 3-4 times at night to nurse.  This is something extra to keep me awake.  I'm really tired.  And really worried.  I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it is a very minor surgery and I know there are parents dealing with much scarier medical issues.  But even minor surgery carries risks.  

What I spent the night thinking about were three things:

1. The surgery risks: the two main ones being local infection and anesthesia
2. Antibiotics: the broad antibiotic that she will be given pre-surgery will knock out all her gut flora.  I'm trying to do the research now to see what would be the best protocol for restoring her gut symbiosis.  Breastfeeding alone will go far but something like 80% of our immune system is in our gut.  For my children, gut health is pivotal as I am relying 100% on their immune system to fight off disease and keep them healthy.  
3. No food: she cannot nurse for 5 hours prior to the surgery.  Baby girl is on a once an hour nursing schedule right now.  It's going to be heartbreaking denying her milk for 5 hours.  

Some fortunate things:

1. Surgeries for babies are scheduled very early (7:30 AM) so she will not be starving all day.
2. The surgery will be laproscopic which means that it will be less invasive and the healing time will shortened.  
3. There is very little chance of reoccurrence.  
4. The surgery, if all goes well with anesthesia, is a one day deal.  We will be in and out on the same day.
5. Baby girl is very healthy and robust.

I'm still pretty worried though and it was very hard to get to sleep last night.  I've got a dull headache this morning.  I'm encouraging myself though because, in the big picture, this surgery is just a blip on the radar.  And I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the outcome I want and not on my fears.  I think that is supremely important.  

And I am also staying in a state of gratitude for all I have and for this situation.  I'm not totally clear about what my calling is in life but I do know that I am sent to be a resource.  And this experience will certainly give me the tools to do just that.  This challenge adds a layer of complexity and beauty to the tapestry of my life and gives me a testimony that may at some point encourage and teach someone else.  So I am going to give thanks.  

So thankful for homemade yogurt!

I'm  so thankful that I had some homemade yogurt tonight.  I made a smoothie with it a couple of minutes ago and I think my stomach is settling down enough for me to get some sleep soon.  My GIT was doing really well all day until I had dinner: beef stew with kale in it and also mashed cauliflower.  Kale and cauliflower are cruciferous vegetables which give many people GIT distress.  And I ate both of those in one sitting and boy, am I in distress.  I'm not thrilled at the prospect of eliminating all those vegetables from my diet.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that it is not really an option.  I need the vitamins and minerals I get from them but I don't need the digestive problems (because I also need to sleep and I need to not feel like shit).  I know very well that there's a serious imbalance in my GIT tract and that's why I can't handle so many foods.  That is why homemade yogurt is so helpful to me.  More helpful than any other probiotic pill or powder that I have ever taken.  I need to be more diligent about making and drinking my bone broth and the yogurt.  I don't really have a choice in the matter.  I tend to not order the bones and the raw milk to make this stuff because it's pretty expensive and it's pretty inconvenient to go and pick it up but I have to approach it as medicine.  I think it would be more worth my while to put the money into whole food supplements than into pill supplements.  So that's what I'm going to focus on.  

Photo Credit

The Journey to Wellness

So I would say I have been on a journey to wellness for years now.  The reason why I became a strict vegetarian was because I had learned from people like Queen Afua and Dr. Laila O. Afrika, that the root of all my dis-ease was my diet--specifically my diet that included animals and animal products.  I desperately wanted to heal my allergies, heal my excruciating and debilitating menstrual cramps, heal my acne and maybe even heal my eyesight.  Somewhere along the line, my diet became aligned with my religion and started to reflect my spirituality: I didn't want to eat animals because I didn't want to kill them--didn't like the violence.  So I had two very good reasons to be vegetarian and coupled with my tendency to be tenacious and passionate, I remained vegetarian even when the first reason (to be healthy) was proving to be a failure.  I was feeling terrible on the vegetarian diet and getting progressively worse.  I tried adding small amounts of animal products back and still no real improvement.  It came to a head when I just couldn't function and finally went to a doctor and was finally diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome earlier this year.  IBS is one of those diagnoses where there doctor really has nothing to tell you but take some probiotics and eat more fiber.  Not helpful as I had been doing all those things.  Well, I took matters into my own hands and started removing foods that could be at the root.  Added meat back in, removed beans, and removed gluten.  Started to feel better.  Went paleo and started to feel great.  Added back in starchy tubers to try to put on some weight and started feeling like a train wreck again.

I am really struggling with my diet, how I eat.  This journey has not been easy at all but I am still committed to achieving optimal health.  I have let go of the spiritual hang-ups about eating meat--my body is a temple and I have to do things in a way that honors it.  I need to listen to it--and just give thanks to the animals that die so that I may live and respect the cycle of life.  I'm learning to listen but I still don't have any control of the IBS despite eating about 98% paleo. Maybe once a week, I'll have popcorn. I learned recently from some awesome podcasts that the underlying cause of the IBS is probably SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), or some kind of bacterial overgrowth so I significantly cut back on the small amount of carbs I was having (things like sweet potato, yam, and plantain) and now I am trying to follow the GAPS Diet.  I find the GAPS diet difficult for a few reasons: 1) I'm not sure exactly what not to eat--had some tomatoes and that seemed to be just as bad as having a sweet potato 2) I am finding really hard to stay away from starches especially plantain chips and 3) I feel restricted and it doesn't feel good at all--I've never felt that way even on Weight Watchers, or while doing gluten-free or while being paleo.  In any case, I feel like cutting the carbs has helped a lot but I think I just need to get some help with implementing some kind of GAPS type diet. I am tired of the trial and error and tired of feeling awful. 

So since I'm struggling so much to find a way to eat that makes me feel well, I don't know if I'm eating enough or if I'm eating fats, proteins and starches in the right proportion or what I should be eating to support my goal of getting not only well but stronger (which is a big goal of mine fitness-wise). I'm pretty sure I'm not. Add to that the psychological issues of having recently lost weight, wanting to put on a few pounds (and knowing I need to) but being absolutely terrified of landing back where I started two years ago, 45 lbs. heavier. (I started eating more starch tubers in an attempt to put on weight). I'm trying hard to trust that a more primal style of eating would make it so that I would not be likely to put the weight back on but honestly, I just feel so exhausted spending so much time thinking about/obsessing about food and hoping that the next thing I put in my mouth doesn't keep me up all night with cramps and such. (((sigh))) 

Exercise to me is a great way to at least temporarily escape the IBS (can't focus on it as much) and also to have some time during the day where the focus is totally on me.  But with this shoulder injury and modifying the workouts to give my shoulder a rest, I can't help but be hyper-focused on how badly my digestive tract feels. I'm tempted to just jump in and re-start Power Training in earnest next week, shoulder be damned, because I *really* need a distraction.  I know that's not wise and maybe what I really should do is take a complete break from lifting and my regular routine altogether . . . maybe sign up to do Bikram classes or something.  Something totally different.  

So the journey to wellness is far from over and I know that even when I figure things out to heal what I've got going on currently, the most important thing is to learn and be able to listen to my body because things change.  And when they change, I have to change and do things differently, eat differently, be differently.  I would like to learn the tools to do it.  

Photo Credit

Finally got with the Diva

The Diva Cup, that is.  

I've been using cloth pads for years now and it's been really great.  The pads have held up well and I never had accidents or other issues with the majority of them.  All in all, I was very happy being "on the rag."  But I'd always wanted to give the Diva Cup a try because it just seemed like another great, natural and perhaps simpler way of catching menstrual flow. And so far, it has been.

This is the second cycle for which I have used the cup.  There is a bit of a learning curve and I am still getting the hang of inserting it properly.  But I am getting better and better.  If I insert it properly, I can be sure that it will not leak at all (even though I still wear a liner).  This is just *wonderful*.  One of the biggest issues with cloth pads are that they are bulky and they can be seen if I'm wearing leggings like I do to the gym.  Also, they absorb and hold on to not only menstrual blood but also sweat.  So for the past few months that I've been a member of the gym, I've been wearing regular disposable thin pads for working out.  I am just thrilled that the Diva Cup is a viable alternative in this particular instance!  The Diva Cup is also the perfect solution for the night.  It doesn't matter how much I toss and turn, I get no leakage.  

There are different styles of folding the cup for insertion.  I use the "punch down fold."  It seems to work best for me.  The trick is making sure that the cup is fully open when it is inserted.  

Basically, two or three times a day, I remove the cup, empty it, rinse it and re-insert it. In the morning, I will wash it with Dr. Bronner's castile soap (which rinses clean--you definitely don't want soap residue in your vagina).  It's definitely not as messy or gross as I had once imagined.  The main reason I didn't go with a cup when I was looking to make the switch from disposable pads was because of the "ick" factor.  But since I've been using cloth pads all this time, there is simply no "ick" factor when it comes to menstrual blood anymore.  Once my menstrual period is over, I boil it for a couple of minutes, let it air dry and store it in the little pouch in which it came.  

Because I mainly had cloth pads and very few cloth liners, I decided to purchase some.  I went on Ebay and found this seller and I am *so* pleased with these liners.  I can't recommend them highly enough.  They are quite thin--thinner than even disposable liners.  They are also very well made and, might I add, cute.  

So, I would say, I'm completely converted.  I like the comfort (you don't feel it at all) and I absolutely love less laundry.  I feel bad abandoning my cloth pads but who knows, I may come back to them at some point in the future.  

Why am I so tired?

The past few weeks I have been exhausted all the time.  Well, not exhausted really.  More like very sleepy.  I can get things done but I really just feel like lying down most of the time.  Today I slept two extra hours and didn't work out this morning at all (not even a 20 minute workout). Then later on I took an hour nap.  I've still been dragging through the day.  Black tea is not doing anything.  And now at 7:45, I'm more than ready to go to bed.  

It's such a puzzle!  I had some blood work done on Tuesday.  I'm going to call tomorrow to see if the doctor has the results.  I've struggled with anemia off and on over the years--even when I was eating red meat.  I can't say that I am eating a lot of good sources of iron--a little here and a little there.  Not sure if I'm meeting the daily requirement.  Maybe I am anemic again.  If so, it's back to the Floradix Floravital Iron and Herbs which during my first pregnanacy worked like a charm.  It's a huge plus that it tastes good and is non-constipating and (obviously) easily absorbable (i.e. it really works).

What's with all the propaganda?

It seems recently that everywhere I turn there are warnings to use sunscreen at every possible moment that you might have even the tiniest bit of exposure to the sun.  Including in the rain.  Or through a window.  In the winter.  There are advertisements in magazines for sunscreens with SPF ratings of 100!  I have to say, I think this is insane.

Of course, I can appreciate that because of human actions, our ozone layer is compromised and more harmful rays make their way down to us.  But despite this, I cannot embrace the idea that the sun is this deadly heavenly body that could only bring us harm.  

Ancient peoples worshiped, celebrated, and honored the sun because they recognized it as the source of all life.  Without it, we are finished.  Plants need it to photosynthesize and we need plants for food.  But we need the sun in a more direct way as well: without the sun, human beings (and many other animals) cannot synthesize vitamin D, an essential vitamin.

In many of these magazines that I've been reading that are so pro-sunscreen, I have read that even a daily 10 minutes unprotected in the sun could be deadly and that the *best* way to get Vitamin D is through supplements.  They rarely make any distinctions in the supplements when they are making the recommendations: D2 versus D3?  There are some studies that say that the body can't really use D2, the vegan form of vitamin D.   Natural types of vitamin D supplementation (like cod liver oil and eggs) versus synthetic forms?  Is it really all the same?  Somehow I doubt it.  

And what's perhaps the most troublesome to me is that they never seem to consider darker-hued individuals in their recommendations.  I read somewhere once that highly melinated skin (i.e. dark skin) is equivalent to SPF 50 on it's own.  I would guess that lighter skinned folks of color would have skin that's at least naturally SPF 15 or 30.  That means that for a darker-skinned persons, sunscreen would not be as necessary especially if the person is not in the direct sun for hours and hours.  But I have yet to see any sunscreen guidelines for darker skinned people.  I am worried about what the repercussions will be if all people follow the general guidelines for sunscreen.  For many months out of the year in my neck of the woods, the sun does not shine at all.  Are we to understand that supplements really are an acceptable alternative to synthesizing our own vitamin D naturally?  Do we really want to go by those guidelines only to find ourselves in 10-15 years seriously lacking vitamin D in our systems and dealing with all the issues that come from such a deficiency?

I am well aware that mainstream medicine and media will not take the time to make guidelines specific to people of color.  I am kind of in a teetering position--worrying about the dangers of the sun (which have come about as a direct result of human actions)  but not being able to trust the establishment as to what to do in terms of sunscreen and vitamin D supplementation.  I fully expect to hear some crazy statistic in a few years about how babies of color are suffering from rickets and other bone disease because whatever supplement was prescribed (Oops!) just doesn't work.  Then they'll change their recommendation again and say everyone should strive for at least some unprotected time in the sun but by then, the damage will already have been done.  I feel this whole thing could turn out to be just the same situation as when margarine was far better than butter but then they turned around and said that in terms of bad food, trans-fats are the devil incarnate.  I mean, really?  I ate margarine my whole childhood! 

In the winter or when my kids get sick, I am an avowed cod liver oil user.  I like Carlson's brand because it is a high vitamin D oil that is triple purified so there is no mercury present.  I'm also able to buy it at my local market.  I feel that cod liver oil, at least, is a more natural form of vitamin D than something made in the lab.  And I do use sunscreen but I'm not crazy with it.  I always use SPF 30.  If we're at the pool, I'll apply it once and leave it at that.  It we're at the beach, maybe twice (because the beach is really the only place I've gotten a sunburn). But if we're going about our business, ducking in and out of stores, the library, the car, etc. and not really in direct sunlight for any extended length of time, I don't put it on.  

I won't even talk about the myriad of unnatural and questionable ingredients in most mainstream sunscreens.  My favorite brands of sunscreen: The Naked Bee (which is a butter) and All Terrain TerrasSport, which both have ingredients that I'm more comfortable with.  

Anyway, I feel my conspiracy theorist alter ego rearing up whenever I read yet another article on using sunscreen . . . who is in bed with who here?  Who stands to benefit?  What's with all the propaganda? Essential questions to ask.

Photo credit

A Good Shoe

Shoes, shoes, shoes . . . 

For most of my life, if I had to stand or walk for extended amounts of time (like an hour or more), I would have some seriously debilitating ankle pain.  I always thought I had weak ankles and that it was something I really didn't have any control over.  

I sustained an injury to my left foot while working out a few months ago.  It was painful for a while and the pain was accompanied by edema.  I went to see the podiatrist when it was painful and while he couldn't do anything for the pain and swelling, I learned that I have flat feet.  Eventually the pain subsided (but I still have edema in that foot that gets worse when it's hot which was kind of a wake up call for me). 

I always thought my feet were normal and it came as quite a surprise that they were not.  All those  years of pain, I realized, were due to my flat feet and not wearing the proper shoes.  While I didn't know that I had flat feet, I did know that shoes like Birkenstocks (with lots of arch support) were even more comfortable than sneakers for me.  In Birkesnstocks, I could walk all day--literally--and my ankles wouldn't hurt at all.  Learning that I had flat feet helped me understand why.   

The podiatrist fitted me for orthotics--basically an insole that would go into all my shoes.  The only issue was that in order to wear the insole, the shoe had to be big enough and/or the right shape to accommodate the insole.  I  hemmed and hawed about it because I didn't want to get rid of some of my shoes but at that point, I'd had enough with the pain.  So I got rid of a lot of shoes that can't accomodate the insoles.  I also discovered clog style shoes like Dansko and Sanita brand.  I find these shoes to be extremely comfortable even without the insole.  They are (usually) pricey though so my shoe rotation is through four shoes this summer: 

• Birkenstock in Golden Brown
• Dansko Professional in Cordovan Cabrio
• Sanita Clog in patent leather black (I never thought hard soled shoes like these would be comfortable and I love Clog Outlet.com)
• Sanita Mona Sandal

In June, I was on a quest to find very warm, comfortable winter boots.  I did very well, by the way, at the Onlineshoes.com outlet.  I got these and those.  I made sure to get them large enough to accommodate my insoles.  My short Timberland boots that I've had for about 2 years now, are really roomy and with the insole, they are like a dream for going on hikes and other outdoorsy type activities.   

My athletic shoe situation is still hit and miss.  I have learned never to buy sneakers online.  When I get through with these sneakers that I have now, I will definitely hit a running specialty store to figure out the right shoe for my foot.  Currently, I'm managing by working out with my insoles in my sneaker.  But it is so hot these days  . . . putting that insole in triples the amount my feet sweat and how hot my feet feel.  It's annoying but it is far better than ankle pain.  Far better. 

I mean, it's been a lot of dealing with shoes lately and I'm kind of getting tired of it but it feels so wonderful to not have to deal with ankle and foot pain.  I need one more shoe:  something to wear around the house that's comfortable since I am standing most of the time.  I've never had a real pair of Crocs (only knock-offs) but I think they could work.  Earlier I Googled flip-flops with arch support and found a few hits.  But I think like my sneakers, I'm going to have to go try them on to be sure they are what I need.  Because I have the insole that was specifically molded to my foot, I know exactly what I'm looking for. 

I've had to give up my vanity a little bit.  I don't go and get $10 flip-flops or other cutesy shoes.  Just looking at them causes me pain, now that I know what causes me pain (i.e. a low arch as opposed to weak ankles).  And I can't say the shoes I'm wearing now are the most fashionable around.  I can hardly believe that I am choosing comfort as my priority.  Comfort over cuteness.  But these days, the only thing cute to me is comfort. 

I'm also amazed by how the foot works and that a low arch would translate into such intense ankle pain.  I'm wondering why I have flat feet in the first place and hope that since I keep my kids barefoot or in soft-soled shoes whenever possible, they will have normal feet.   

One upside to all this is that now I really have a limited number of shoes to pick from which means that it drastically reduces clutter.  There are still some (essentially useless and pain-inducing) shoes that I can't let go of.  But as they sit there, neglected, I'm sure their uselessness will become more and more pronounced which will motivate me to chuck them.

I will never again underestimate the importance of A Good Shoe.

Photo Credit

Cleansing the Skin with Oil

I'd heard about doing this a few years ago but was always hesitant to try.  As someone who used to have really oily skin and who is prone to acne breakouts, the last thing I wanted to do was slather oil on my skin.  

Since having kids though, my skin has changed a lot.  I'd say it's combination skin that tends towards dryness.  I don't get breakouts as much either.  So after reading a thread on a message board, I decided to go ahead and give it a try.  I've been doing the oil-cleansing method for a week now with really nice results.  I've can see that my pores are shrinking and are becoming less noticeable.  I haven't had any major pimples since I started this method either.  It's very exciting because cleansing with oil is relatively cheap, 100% natural, quite easy and quick, and, most importantly, it works! 

Interested in cleansing with oil?  Here's the article I read years ago that got me started.  Since I have "normal" skin now, I use a 50:50 mix of castor oil to olive oil to cleanse my skin.  I follow up with a couple of drops of jojoba oil which I thoroughly rub in to my damp skin. I get my castor and jojoba oils on Ebay from this seller.  The oil I buy from him (or her) is high quality and the price is good.  Speaking of which, I do need to order some more.  

The next step is to find ways to lighten up some of the dark marks left over from pimples.  I've heard of using aloe vera gel but I'm not quite sure how to use it.  Another suggestion I found is rose hip oil which I am more likely to try. 

Have you ever tried cleansing your skin with oil?  What did you think?

Brown Skin

If only my skin looked as good as the woman in this picture that popped up when I googled "acne prone skin"! {{{chuckles}}}

I always attributed my acne to the fact that I had oily skin. Supposedly, it was the oil clogging up my pores and causing the pimples and cysts. But after having two children, my skin is completely different. It's pretty dry and often kind of dull. The complete opposite of what it once was. And yet, I still have acne!

I usually have a clear complexion until the time I ovulate or a few days before the start of a new moon cycle. This month's bout of acne is quite severe--more severe than it's been in a while. I'm trying my hardest to leave my skin alone but I'm pretty sure that there will be a lot of bad scarring once this is over. I even bought acne medication (a cream with 2.5% benzoyl peroxide) to try to improve things more quickly but it doesn't seem to be doing much.

So I'm not quite sure what to do. I've been cleansing with knock-off Noxzema and following up with a mix of shea butter and jojoba oil. I can't say it's working like a charm but it's all right. And cheap. I picked up a book at the library called Brown Skin by Dr. Susan Taylor and I'm hoping that it may shed some light on what I'm doing wrong and maybe how to do it right. I'm sure I'll be dealing with acne for the rest of my life since my mother still is and I'm okay with that. I just need to find a way to lessen the severity of breakouts and recover from there without any major scarring/hyperpigmentation. And I need it to not cost a lot.

Change is . . .

Fun.  Well, sometimes.

I'm not the biggest fan of change.  In fact, most of the time, I like things to be steady, predictable and constant.  I don't find it easy to roll with the punches, hate to travel (rather would just get there already) and generally, I take great pains to prepare for any change.

So it's very interesting that when it comes to certain things, I'm all about change.  Like my computer desktop.  I have to change the picture at least once a week.  My screensaver?  At least once a month.  My Gmail theme?  I may change that 2 or 3 times daily!  My blog layout? Well, if you read this blog, you know I change it pretty often (although, I have to say, I'm *quite* pleased with the current design).

And then there's my hair . . .

I've been wearing a lowboy for a while now.  I'm lucky because the style actually does compliment my round face.  Any longer, even just a teeny weeny afro, and I don't think it really does my face justice.  I've come to realize that styles that don't frame my face such as a lowboy, cornrows or a pulled back ponytail/puff really do look best on me.  I've also realized that square eyeglass frames work best for a round face too.  Generally, what works best are styles that don't add to the roundness of my face.

Wearing my hair this way is the most practical style for me.  It allows me lots of access to my scalp so I can easily treat it when it flares up.  It's super low maintenance.  The hubby shapes me up every two weeks (or so)--free of cost.  In the morning, I may or may not brush it because it's so low that it doesn't really matter.  I mainly brush to stimulate my scalp or because it feels good to rake the bristles over my itchy scalp.  I wash it every 2 to 3 days with Head and Shoulders (or T-Gel if I'm having a particularly nasty flare up), oil it with jojoba oil to which I added tea tree oil.  That's the full extent of my style maintenance routine.  It's so basic, I wonder if it can even really be called a style especially since (even though I gave it a noble try) I am nowhere near consistent with wearing larger (read:  largely more entangling and largely more likely to get painfully pulled) earrings or make-up (allergies, i.e. itchy, watery eyes and mascara/eyebrow pencil/eye shadow are mortal enemies; one kiss of a kid's boo-boo and I can kiss my lip gloss goodbye and since I usually forget it at home or it slips down to the bottom of the diaper bag, it's really just a funny situation).

But recently I started to feel the itch . . . I want to see something else when I look in the mirror yet practically speaking, it's just not realistic.  I could grow it out but just thinking about the cost of getting it cornrowed makes me shudder.  I could work on really getting some length so I could do pulled back styles but eh, I don't have the time or patience to fuss that much.

Thought about a wig but with the scalp issues, that might be a bad, bad look.   Should I color it?  Any natural, quality hair colors out there?  And what color?  I have never, ever colored my hair but since I do have a bit of gray hair with more popping up every day, I had started to contemplate whether I would color it or not.

So any ideas?  What can you do with a lowboy to "freshen" it up?

Image courtesy of http://www.usmansheikh.com/success-factors/i-dont-want-to-change

The Frugal Fashionista?

Is that an oxymoron?

I'm willing to admit that for the last few years, I was not making an effort to look the best I could possibly look. There are a number of reasons but the main reason is that I was trying to be au naturel and also striving for modesty in my dress. Well, recently, I decided I was tired of looking frumpy, blah and old and decided to try to get my game back together. I stopped wearing sweats and workout clothes in public and started making a consistent effort to give myself a once over before I leave the house. It certainly helps my frame of mind and how I feel about myself.

If you read this blog though, you know that frugality has to be one of my top priorities in order for me to continue being a stay-at-home mom. Getting my game back, though, costs some money. I was trying to hook up my makeup game again. Even though I'm not a big makeup person, I realize a little foundation, lip gloss and eyebrow pencil can go a long way to giving you a polished look. But then I also realized I simply do not have $45 to drop on foundations and stuff. I was trying to revamp my wardrobe with some nice pieces. Now, believe me, I don't really shop other places besides the thrift store but I realized something else the other day while reading an excellent blog that I was recently introduced to: Wildflower. She advocates thinking really, really, really hard about every penny you spend and asking yourself, while looking through the lens of potentially difficult times fast approaching, the hard question: do I really need this ? And if you don't, you don't spend that money.

The thrift store is my slow money leak. I try to go on half-off days and all that but any good thrifter knows that the key to doing well at it is going often. So I go having the idea that I need a pair of nice fitting jeans or something. It's not that I don't have jeans but since my body proportions have changed, what I have doesn't fit quite right. I don't find what I was looking for but I do find 3 or 4 children's books, a cute purse, a nice shirt for one of the boys, or a lovely pair of shoes that would go with a particular blouse. I pay the $10 or whatever--it's great because I know that the stuff I have just purchased could easily be worth about $50.

But this is a slow money leak . . . I'm buying things I don't necessarily need. Just buying them because they're nice to have and more importantly, in relation to me upping my look game, it would be a nice addition to my wardrobe--something that would add pizzazz.

I could very well save that $10 or use it to pay for one of the childrens' activities.

But I also want to look cute. I want to accessorize and feel like I'm stepping out when I go out.

I've talked about this before but recently, it's come up again. So I'm asking myself again, how do I find the balance between being frugal and fashionable?

When I'm talking fashionable, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not a trendy person. I like classic looks with a hint of "what's in". And when I'm talking frugal, I'm talking about frugality with the goal of working toward financial security. I'm talking about saving enough money so that if an emergency hits, we can make moves. And even if no emergency ever happens, having financial security in our old age. Being fashionable is not an absolute necessity. I mean, , strictly speaking, neither is having high speed internet but the whole family uses the computer for entertainment, learning and business especially since we don't have cable. I'd say that things would have to be really hard before we got rid of the internet at home. A new pair of hoop earrings? Another bottle of nail polish? An eyebrow wax? I've thought of growing out my hair and getting it braided . . . These things make you feel nice and like a girl. Taken individually, they don't cost much. Frugality, in my mind, says wear the jewelry you have. Says you have enough nail polish. And no one but you notices your eyebrows.

You see, frugality in my mind has never meant being chic. It means being very practical. It means putting out $100 for a good pair of classic winter boots (which you bought at the end-of season clearance sale for $70). They might not match anything--no one would ever say you put together a cute outfit--but you'll be wearing those boots for years to come. Ah, but sometimes I'd rather pay $70 for the cheaply made boots that look oh so flyy with those jeans I managed to score. Is that irresponsible knowing what I know? Have I been tainted by American consumerism? Or is it the simple fact that I'm a woman and wearing cute stuff induces felicity? I'm constantly amused by those TJ Maxx commercials that talk about Maxxinistas . . . a play on the term fashionista and the newer term "frugalista". I mean, really, how important is fashion and being cute when it comes to survival and thriving in difficult times? Is it important at all?

So is it a necessity? Is your cuteness something you need? Something to really consider and take into account when you are trying to prepare for an uncertain future? It's a challenge weighing out those things that make you feel nice against the a very real reality: that the times are a changing and bank will make the change more manageable.

So, yes, I'm on the lookout for other slow money leaks but I've just identified one glaring one. Plug those small money leaks and you can easily sock away another 10%. The hubby's been saying that for years but I don't know, somehow it just clicked in a profound way the other day. Sometimes, someone else has to say it.

Do I plug the leak?

(((insert Z1's best whiney voice here)))But I don't want to!!!!

A little more money in the pocket, though, might just end up feeling better than being a frugal fashionista in the long run.

For about four weeks

I've been dealing with some kind of nasty bug. It has settled right in my sinuses and will not go away. I am going to break down and make time to go the doctor this week for an antibiotic because I'm really tired of suffering. I hope it kills whatever this is that won't let me be! My nose is so congested it's ridiculous. I've tried every natural approach including giving it time all to no avail. It's tricky when you suffer from allergies too because it's initially hard to distinguish between the two since they have similar symptoms. But I'm sure now that this is an infection that clearly I need help getting rid of. Luckily, so far, no one else in the family has gotten it. I hope I can keep it that way.

Are some obstacles never meant to be overcome?

I'm awake because I can't sleep. I'm having one of the worst allergy attacks ever. On a scale of 1 to 10, this one is a 10. I'm finding it hard to catch my breath between sneezes much less relax enough to fall asleep. I can't really pinpoint what triggered it although I suspect it's all the moving we've been doing that kicked up a lot of dust. Despite my incessant Swiffering and vacuuming, there still must be some dust particles in the air. The Claritin I take is not lessening the severity of this attack even slightly.

The other day as I was studying and journalling, I asked myself if allergies were something I was going to suffer with for the rest of my life. I surprised myself with the answer: it is. I honestly do not feel that I will be able to cure myself from allergies in this lifetime. It is one of those obstacles in my life that I will have to learn to live with victoriously. In other words, I don't believe that any amount of chanting will enable me to overcome my allergies. My mother struggles with asthma and allergies and so do many other members of my family. It's in the genes and there it remains. Just like no amount of chanting will add extra inches on to your height or change your ethnicity.

I thought that sounded a bit defeatist but it's actually in line with my world view and doesn't contradict any Buddhist philosophy. We are not promised a life of ease and comfort. All we are in control of really is our reaction to it. So yes, I've read lots of experiences where people power chanted their way through tough medical diagnoses and difficult situations. I believe it is possible to reverse your karma. But at the same time, I believe there are some things that simply won't change. There's no guarantee that endless amounts of chanting will bring about a change in the situation. But there is a guarantee that there will be a change in you.

The whole point of chanting is to bring out your inherent wisdom so that you may take correct action. A medical diagnosis giving you a few months to live could send you into despondency but chanting will give you the wisdom a) to figure out how to extend your days if at all possible and b) to make the most of whatever time you have left and c) to ensure the condition will not defeat you or bring down your "life condition" . . . in other words, you energy and life force will stay high.

I read a story in a book called Raising Cain, which, by the way, has nothing to do with Buddhist philosophy. I was moved by a story of a divorced mother of two boys who was terminally ill but was bravely preparing her sons for her death. She wasn't stone faced about it. She shared her sadness and her fears. She didn't wallow in self-pity. She was courageous and victorious and her sons recalled that as the single greatest gift she could have given them.

One thing I've learned about myself is that in many ways, my feet are planted firmly on the ground. So I'm not chanting so that the allergies magically vanish. I'm not into miracles, signs and wonders. I'm chanting so that at least I will somehow find a way to live with them. Live victoriously with them. Win. Because right now, I'm not. The allergies have me beat hands down. I've already done the diet changes. If one more smug know-it-all says, "You should eliminate x, y, z from you diet" I'll go crazy. I've tried various herbs, switched up the medicines. I vacuum and dust regularly. All to no avail. But the answer, I have to believe, is out there. I can't continue on this way.

Well, sitting up and writing has been more beneficial than lying in bed. I think the Claritin may now be starting to take effect although I can tell that the attack is not over and the Claritin is not going to bring it to an end. But I feel drowsy enough, exhausted enough where I may fall asleep. Hopefully.

I'm pretty dark-skinned

But I know I'm not the darkest skinned sister out there. My quest to find a nice foundation has been, to say the least, eye opening.

A few weeks back, I went and got my eyebrows threaded. I absolutely loved the results and it was no more painful ore expensive than waxing. After that, I headed on over to Macy's to visit the MAC counter. I ended up dropping a wad of cash on makeup (well, not that much but to me, it was a lot) and the most expensive item was foundation.

I used the foundation for about three days before I finally admitted that it was just not working. Maybe I should have gotten the oil control stuff too but, my goodness! After just a few hours, my face was so oily you could fry plantains on it. And the stuff rubbed off so easily. I used to wear this foundation a long time ago and I don't remember it being such a pain. Maybe I just had a higher tolerance for that kind of stuff . . . I don't know.

But what I think annoys me most is that the darkest color MAC sells (NW55) is still not quite as dark as me. I had to blend and blend and blend to get the makeup to look natural and even then, it didn't look all that natural.

Thank goodness for a lenient return policy. I was so glad to have that money back in hand.

So last Friday was rainy and my friends and I decided to go to the mall where there's plenty of space for the kids to run. I took the opportunity to go to Sephora so I could try Bare Essentials, which so many folks had recommended to me as a light, non-irritating makeup. I was dumbfounded to find that the darkest foundation they had was about three shades too light for me. And they have the nerve to call it "Deepest Dark".

I did discover the Makeup Forever line. My color is #185 which is the darkest color they sell. I didn't have to do much blending when I put it on and it provided great coverage. But it was about $40.00 so I didn't get it. Also, I understand now from trying so many different brands that another issue is that many of the make-ups do not match my red undertone. So while the #185 blended easily, it wasn't perfect.

But am I missing something? I know there are sisters as dark as I am and darker who wear foundation and such. Where do we go for options? Are there no options? I know these companies aren't necessarily catering to the darker-hued amongst us but it looks like they are making an effort . . .

The hubby, who's not really feeling me wearing makeup anyway, says it's a sign that I shouldn't be wearing makeup. LoL . . . it's almost not even possible for me to wear makeup!

Someone suggested Imani's line but it's not something you can try on before buying as it's only sold in pharmacies. Not to mention that my skin nowadays seems more prone to reacting to things than it used to be. Those few days of MAC foundation were not very kind to my skin. There's also Bobbi Brown, which is just as pricey as Makeup Forever.

I think I may just turn my attention to evening out my skin tone and minimizing the damage from acne but I'm still open to ideas. I want a quick and easy makeup routine that keeps my skin healthy and not too oily and that looks natural and doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Is that possible?

After many years of not doing it . . .

I'm about to start . . . wearing makeup again. Nothing major. I was never a big makeup person. But I'm going to start wearing a light concealer again, getting my eyebrows done (threaded and not waxed since I don't have much eyebrow to begin with) and an eyebrow pencil. I used to wear M.A.C. cosmetics before--no breakouts and lasts all day long so at some point this week, I hope to get over to Macy's to refigure what works for my face again. I'm excited in one way but nervous in another way. Will I actually have the time to do makeup? Half the time, I barely get a chance to look in the mirror before I step out the door. But I'm going to make an effort. And also make an effort to change my earrings and put on some jewelry.

I'm also due for a new set of eyeglasses and I'm searching for frames that are beautiful and stylish and most important, that work for my face. I'd really love to go back to contact lenses but since I have a pretty severe astigmatism, I need toric lenses and they are really expensive. I've thought about laser eye surgery but I definitely want to go to a reputable doctor which means $$. I still need to see if my insurance company will cover "medically necessary" corrective eye surgery. I mean, it's worth a try. I really can't see more that 3 inches in front of me without glasses. Very dangerous.

Anyway, these are some things I'm working on just to put a little "umph" back into the way I look. Been playing plane jane for a little too long. It's getting tired. And I'm ready to feel flyy again.

The Business of Being Born

I finally got the opportunity to watch this documentary and I was so pleasantly surprised.  I was worried that it would be heavy handed, preachy or fanatical but it was not! It presented a balanced advocacy for homebirth that appealed to intellect and reason but did not neglect the emotional and psychological aspects of giving birth. It goes into the history of birthing in the U.S., offers comparisons and interesting (sometimes alarming) statistics.  There are some graphic images (like drugged laboring women being tied down to keep them from hurting themselves and others) but there are also very beautiful and sweet images too.  I highly recommend this documentary.  

As a person who has had both experiences of giving birth, I can honestly say both were beautiful and transformative.  But my homebirth was empowering in a way I cannot fully describe.  I wanted to say to every pregnant woman I saw, "Are you low risk?  Is everything going routinely?  Yes?!?  You should have a homebirth!!!!!"  But I contained my excitement and eventually learned that you can't just be telling any and everybody you had a homebirth.  In fact, when you do tell folks you had a homebirth, the response may often be "On purpose?"  It's still viewed a Bohemian.  Backwards. Earthy.  Not cosmopolitan and advanced and chic.  You know, right in line there with breastfeeding.  

I honestly feel like if you are able to give birth in a hospital normally, you only narrowly escaped a whole series of interventions and a c-section.  I watched one of my best friends go through it.  She called as they were wheeling her in to have the c-section and I wanted to say, "I told you so" because I told her not to be induced.  Told her to let things take their course.  But it's hard because you're not a doctor and if a woman doesn't trust her own body, she needs someone to trust (the doctor) because this is not just about her--it's about the life growing in her.  I would love to see the business of being born taken out of the hands of medical doctors and put back into the hands of midwives and women.  I'd love to see more women begin to have faith in the process and not in the technology.  Birth is a natural process.  Not to be crude . . . but it's like having a bowel movement in a way.  Sometimes you need help but the vast majority of the time, it just happens.  

Anyway, if you've never read my homebirth story, take a moment to click the link on the sidebar.  And when you get a moment, see The Business of Being Born.  (I borrowed it from my library.)

The Water Question

A few months ago, we finally purchased a water filter. We had tried the Brita and Pur water filters but each filter could only filter about a week's worth of water. We figured that it's because our house is old and there must be lots of sediment in the pipes. Remembering what things are like in Ghana and Nigeria, I even tried to get on a more frugal, simple living tip and rock the tap water but I just couldn't. The smell of chlorine was just too much and I was very concerned about the possible lead leaching from the pipes (even though I was taking steps to reduce the lead). So on the recommendation of Kristen over at Kristen's Raw (a great resource for those trying to incorporate more raw food into the diet or transition to a raw foods lifestyle), we purchased the Multi-Pure Counter Top Water Filter System CBVOCSC.

Product Description
Multi-Pure Countertop CBVOCSC Water Filter, our finest Countertop Filter. Rugged, attractive Stainless Steel Countertop Water Filter with hose and Diverter Valve. This unit may also be purchased as an undercounter system or converted to an undercounter system with the purchase of a conversion kit (offered separately). The water from this filter system is the best we've ever tested! Filters Chlorine taste and odor, as well as: 97% Chloramine, 99% Lead, 97% MTBE, Mercury 96%, VOC's 99%, Asbestos 99%, Giardia and Cryptosporidium 99.95% and much, much more. Complete lab tests and California certifications available at our web site. Size approx. 8" Diam. x 10" tall. Includes filter cartridge CBTVOC (was MPPTCB). Replacement filter cartridges last for 750 gallons minimum. For municipally treated water only.

Multi-Pure is a stand-up company and after lots of research I feel they are trustworthy. We are extremely pleased. Even my skeptical hubby, who seems to not mind nasty behind tap water is impressed. The water that comes out of this thing is far better than any bottled water I have ever had. And the elimination of weekly runs to the store to buy bottled water is priceless. Not to mention we are doing our small part to reduce the amount of waste taking up space in landfills. Initially I was going to purchase it at Amazon but BestFilters is the company that actually sells it. I went to their direct website and was able to find the filter. I found a coupon for it and the whole thing shipping and handling included cost $288. We've had it for more than 2 months now and it seems to work exceptionally well. With the replacement filter cartridge costing $60.00, we worried that we'd have to change the filter cartridge too soon but thankfully that has not been the case. We actually wish we had bought it earlier.

My only thing is that I wish it filtered out fluoride but that would take a reverse osmosis system. RO systems filter out everything and I'd like some minerals in the water. Also, RO systems require lots of installation. The filter we purchased was exceedingly simple to install. I did it by myself in about 15 minutes.

A bonus of buying from BestFilters direct is that they sent a free stainless steel thermos which the hubby now uses as his water bottle. Last summer I bought stainless steel water bottles for myself and the kids. You remember the whole plastic brouhaha? Suprisingly, I didn't wig out until I accidentally left my Nalgene bottle in the car on a hot summer day. I tasted the water (why did I do that?) and it was very clear that something just wasn't right. I set about to replace our plastic water bottles with something better (hopefully, until they tell us that stainless steel is toxic too). The hubby, of course, thought I was making too big a fuss, that I think everything is toxic blah blah blah. He's since changed his song after tasting water that has been sitting in a plastic bottle and water that has been sitting in steel. Big difference.

Anyway, Z1 and I have Kleen Kanteen bottles purchased from Reusablebags.com with a coupon (I forget what it was for but I was quite excited about it at the time). I have a 40 ounce and he has an 18 ounce. We both have sports caps because the mouth is too wide to drink from neatly while staying perfectly still much less driving or playing. Kleen Kanteen bottles are basic stainless steel that seem durable. We didn't get colors or anything--just the basic. We added stickers and stuff to ours to personalize them. Little Z2 has a Thermos Foogo 12-ounce stainless steel bottle with a straw which has proven to be good quality too. We fill them up each day so we rarely use cups for drinking water which conserves washing water (and dishwashing liquid). Drinking from the bottle also helps me keep track of the water I drink. They are indeed heavy but I've grown not to mind so much. A little weight lifting ain't never hurt nobody. I hope all our bottles last a very long time.

The water question? Answered. Very satisfactorily I might add.

"On the Rag"

I've been using cloth menstrual pads for about three years now and I will never go back to paper/plastic pads. Post-partum after Z2, I tried to use disposable pads and after a day or two, I couldn't take it anymore and got out my cloth. I find cloth to be far more comfortable than disposable but also surprisingly as effective.

Photo Courtesy of www.moonpads.com

The minute I tell folks I use cloth menstrual pads, their expression noticeably changes into one of confusion and sometimes disgust. But as I glowingly tell them about the benefits of cloth both to myself and to the environment, they start to listen and realize it's not so weird or strange after all.

My switch to cloth pads was a natural progression since I was already cloth diapering my son. There are basically two natural (reusable) options for menstrual blood collection: a cup, which is emptied out periodically and then rinsed and re-inserted or cloth pads which are washed. Since I never really liked tampons I decided to go with pads.

Like with cloth diapers, I didn't know many people personally who used them and I just jumped right in to try to find what worked for me. Initially, I collected patterns in hopes of sewing my own but as with diapers, a serger, which I don't have, would produce a much better finished product. As such, I purchased an assortment of pads some of which I absolutely love and some of which I use as a last resort or just because I have them.

The first cloth pads I acquired were GladRags through a co-op on MDC for a significantly lower price than retail. Actually, a sistren of mine at the time did mention using these pads once and she seemed to like them so I was excited about getting them. I purchased three cotton day pads and one organic overnight cotton pad. How these pads work is that there's a pocket where you can slip in absorbent cotton inserts depending on how much protection you need. I find the day pads are a tad bit short for me and when I first started using them, I never felt quite comfortable. As my flow lightened though, they worked better. The overnight pad is nice and long although I wish the inserts were a bit longer (they are the same length as the day pad inserts). Over time, I've purchased two more overnight pads. GladRags are high quality pads that I don't mind recommending.

Next I turned to Ebay and found the seller "Naomiomy". This seller sells basic, quality pads. They're made from flannel and so they are very soft and quite comfortable. Again, when I first started using cloth, I found these to be too narrow (although long enough). As time went on though, I found that they do the job. And the price is quite right especially compared to GladRags.

On Ebay, I also found Ama'z Padz (she doesn't sell on Ebay anymore because she has a store on Hyena Cart) which are my absolute FAVORITE pads in the world. In fact, I just ordered some more recently. Ama'z Padz are ingenious. Although she does sell all-in-ones and other types of pads, I am partial to her original padz (click link to see how they work). The regular pad is perfect for me lenghtwise and widthwise. They are so absorbent, deceptively so since they are quite thin in comparison to other cloth pads and even to regular disposable pads. They are also very convenient to use. These are the pads I use if I'm going out and the ones I used when I was working outside of the home. I love, love, love them.

I have one LunaPad that I bought when I couldn't get more Ama'z Padz (I was always missing her re-stocking). I can't stand that pad but I wear it because I have it. It's soft and comfortable but I don't get how the rick-rack stuff is supposed to hold the pad in place. I generally turn it upside down, ignore the rick-rack to wear it and it's not bad that way. Very absorbent and pretty too.

I have three panty liners that I bought on Ebay too. They are an all-in-one situation, are cute, absorbent and fit neatly in my bag when folded up. I carry these around in case my period comes unexpectedly (which it never does but old habits die hard). I looked on Ebay to see if I could find the seller but no luck.

There was one last Ebay purchase of flannel all-in-one pads. That purchase was a complete miss and I will only use those on the very, absolute last day of my period.

Most of my pads are cotton/flannel but many use hemp and fleece (which stays dry to the touch even when wet). I do not have any that have a waterproof backing (PUL) and I find I haven't needed that. I like the fact that all the pads I have are 100% breathable. That has eliminated the issues I had with disposable pads in terms of it being too hot in the summer, itchy, etc . . .

Now to the knitty-gritty of using cloth . . .

Most cloth pads are secured using snaps (most of mine do). Some use velcro. Some just lay in your underwear and friction keeps them in place (one overnight pad my sistren sewed for me works this way and it works well, suprisingly). I, like many other woman, have "period panties". My "period panties" are not dark-colored or anything. They are just slightly smaller than my regular panties. This helps to keep the pads in place and the pads keep the tighter panties from being too wedgie-fabulous.

I change my pads pretty regularly throughout the day and it seems to be about every time I go to the bathroom. That averages about 5-6 pads daily. I change not because the pad is full but mainly to feel fresh. When I take a pad off, I soak it in a pail with water and hydrogen peroxide or color-safe bleach. The pail (which is, by the way, not see-through) is covered for the kids' safety and also for the sake of the hubby and guests who I don't think need or want to run into a bucket full of bloody pads. But that's just me. I change the water daily until it's time for wash day.

I used to wash my pads by hand but I felt I was wasting water so I started to wash them in the machine. No special procedure: I simply washed with whatever detergent I had and hung them to dry or dried them in the dryer. Nowadays, I wash my pads along with the diapers. I was skeptical about doing this at first but I realized that the diapers get rinsed first, washed on the longest hot cycle then rinsed again. Everything comes out smelling and looking clean and fresh. No stains or anything. Plus, I don't use any extra water to wash my pads which is great.

To go out, I carry my pads in a plastic cosmetic bag that is divided in two sections. One section I stow my clean pads and the other section holds my used ones. Once I arrive home, I empty out the wet bag (that's holding used diapers) into the diaper pail and I put my used pads in to soak.

To store my pads, I use a jumbo-sized Rubbermaid clear plastic rectangular food storage container with a lid. While I'm on my period and using the pads, I rarely put the lid on. Once my flow is over, I organize my pads neatly and put the lid on ready for next month.

Back to the hubby issue. It took a little convincing to get the hubby to be okay with the cloth pads. He, like many others, thought it was gross and a bit too much work. But after I showed him what it was about and didn't act grossed out myself (because I wasn't) and drew lots of comparisons to cloth diapering, he accepted it as a normal part of life and now is all for cloth pads. Because, of course, in the long run using cloth pads saves money and the hubby is all about that. I would say the start up costs/the money I've spent to date on cloth pads is about $125-$130 dollars. I have 18 day pads, 3 liners and 3 overnight pads. I used to buy a pack of Always overnight pads (which I would just about finish during the first 4 days of my period) for about $5 or $6 and I'd use a pack of regular pads to finish out my period. That adds up and so now that I've been using cloth for so many years, it makes financial sense. Some frugal mamas, I've heard, even use newborn unbleached prefold diapers as pads and that would be a very inexpensive way to go.

I'm pretty sure by the time I need to buy more pads, i.e.when these ones are worn out, I will be ready to sew my own (which would be the most cost-effective route). But right now, I'm quite pleased with what I have.

Many women who use cloth use the soak water to water their houseplants. We buried Z2's placenta in the backward where the garden will be (we decided against relocating it) and I can see using the soak water to water the plants back there. After all, that menstrual blood is what would have sustained life. That would make the garden uniquely mine.

Saying a woman is "on the rag" is a slang term to express that she's menstruating. Back in the day, many women used cloth to catch their menstrual blood since disposable pads were not available yet or very expensive. I'm not sure if it's derogatory or not to use the term but I like the way it sounds. It's not bad being "on the rag," quite literally.

Recommended reading: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant.

I Enjoy Being a Wombman

I thoroughly do. I embrace and love every aspect of my wombmanhood.

But that was not always the case.

Today is the first day of my new moon cycle. For years I cursed this day. This day meant that for the next 4 or 5 days, I would be in agonizing pain. I would be dealing with messy pads, stained clothing, strong smells. Nothing good.

I remember menarche, the day of my first menstrual blood. I had turned 12 about two weeks earlier. It was a Sunday and my mother and siblings had stayed home from church because my mother was sick. When I saw the blood, I went and told my mother who dug around in her trunk (which she had brought from Nigeria and stored all her traditional clothes and fabric in) and fished out a small pack of sanitary napkins. Her face became very serious as she said to me, "You're a woman now . . . you had better be careful what you do with your body." I was confused, of course, although I vaguely understood that I had better not get pregnant and I knew that you got pregnant by having sex although I wasn't quite sure how it worked. The day progressed and the cramps got worse. By that evening, I could hardly walk. I was keeled over in pain and I was ready for my period, which I had anxiously awaited, to be over.

Well, at the time a couple of newly arrived nurses who had come from Nigeria just a few months ago were living in our rental unit downstairs. They heard (now that I think of it, my mother must have told them) that I had seen my period. They called me down and there I was as little as I was (I was bout 5 feet even and at that time, about 105 pounds), surrounded by these big grown women and feeling abandoned by my mother who was conspicuously missing. They explained to me the physiology behind my period saying that the blood was the body's way of showing disappointment that I had not "taken in" or gotten pregnant. I was grateful for the explanation because before then, it had all been a mystery. I had questions but I knew I couldn't ask lest someone think I was "fast".

My period was something that I was made to feel I had to hide; to be discreet about. If my mother overheard me telling someone I got my period she'd say, "A woman knows how to keep some things to herself." She taught me how to carefully wrap pads so no one would know I had used one. I had a special discreet bag for carrying pads. Most especially, men were not supposed to know I was on my period.

I used to come home from school nearly every month in excruciating pain. Even though my father would be home at times (as a professor, his schedule was never set in stone), I would never call him to come get me. I would rather tough it out on the bus to get home. When I got there, he'd see my face contorted in pain. I'd mumble about what was wrong, boil some water for a heating pad, pop some many Advils, change into a nice, large overnight winged pad, and crawl upstairs to my bed where I'd generally pass out from exhaustion and pain. The awkwardness of my period and my father just highlighted the overall unpleasantness of the situation.

I never had a good relationship with my period.

I wished that I had been born a boy. As a boy, I would never have to worry about my period, about being raped (someone taking my virginity), about losing my virginity/chastity, about getting pregnant (the biggest shame ever), about my problematic unruly hair (I'd cut it off), about being perceived as a slut, fast, easy, about all these heavy burdens girls carry while boys live carefree lives and are loved deeply by their parents. The love girls got seemed to be predicated and based on so much and was so easily lost if you couldn't live up to the standard.

I watched as the daughter of the pastor of the church I went to, who played the piano and was a sweet and good girl was humiliated and shamed over and over, cast out from the church because she had the nerve to have sex and was "stupid enough" to get pregnant. I listened as my parents used her over and over as the primary examples of why I had to "keep myself". I didn't want to turn out "like that". She was ridiculed, scorned, talked about. No one hugged her after that. Or even looked her in the eye. I knew I couldn't even though I liked her a lot. I couldn't let my parents see anything resembling friendliness and empathy toward such a lost and wayward girl lest she taint me. I understood implicitly that for girls, parents love and acceptance was tenuous at best. And I wanted their love.

I never had a good relationship with my period.

When I hit college, I got introduced to the concept that diet played a role in the severity of my period and that was one major reason why I decided to switch to a strict vegetarian diet. Nothing changed. The relationship with my period remained antagonistic

What did change things in every way was giving birth and making the switch from disposable menstrual pads to cloth menstrual pads.

Giving birth naturally made the way I looked at my body change in unexpected ways. I felt redemption in a way. All that pain and suffering over the years, the pain to bring him forth, was worth it as I held my newborn son. Being a woman was worth it just for that moment. It was just an added bonus that when my menses returned at 4 months postpartum, it was PAIN-FREE, although my flow was still heavy. I didn't need to take any painkillers or use a heating pad. I barely had to slow down. Although I had heard it, I couldn't quite believe that childbirth could bring about such a drastic change in how I experienced my period. My period became a welcome period of the month because it symbolized that I was getting ready to once again hold life in my womb. Because the pain was no longer there every month, I was able to focus on what was actually going on. And it was and is beautiful.

In college I had written an article for my college newspaper about the dangers of dioxin in disposable menstrual pads. Yet the natural options in the health food store were lacking. I was used to wearing overnight pads as my regular, daytime pads. Sometime after Z1 was born, I started learning about cloth pads and decided to give them a try. (I'll talk in more depth about cloth menstrual pads later.) I couldn't believe how they changed the flow of my period. I went from using six to seven disposable pads daily to my flow being so light that I could theoretically wear a liner for every day of my period. It was just unbelievable. At this point in my life, I would never use disposable pads again and when I've tried, it has been so uncomfortable as to make me run back to my cloth.

Giving birth and getting with cloth have completely changed this day, this first day of my moon cycle, for me. I am feeling open spiritually today. Light. Joyful.

Yes, I still feel some pain but it's experienced totally differently. I know if I had a girl, I would do so much differently. I like the ideas that Sis. Raet gives about Honoring the First Blood. I agree with her in so many ways. Girls should never feel ashamed or confused about their first blood. It should be a time of celebration and joy. It should remain a time of celebration and joy.

My sons see me soaking my pads, they are usually with me as I'm using the bathroom. Z1 asks questions and I answer them honestly and lovingly. I'd do the same if I had a girl. It's not mysterious or secret. It's not gross. It's part of what makes me who I am and the very reason why they exist. I want them to know the ins and outs of a woman's menstrual cycle, understand the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of it. I enjoyed this short article (and graphic) on the topic and encourage folks to read it: BooYaa, It's Period Time by Renee of Womanist Musings.

I'm fascinated by my body's connection to the earth and the moon. It is profound to me that as rivers flow with life giving water, I too flow with life giving blood. I'm reminded that my womb is the symbolic source of all life and creativity, healing and unity. I am not turned off by what my menstrual blood looks like and what it smells like any longer. It pleases me now. My relationship with my period is warm. I accept and welcome and embrace the beginning of every new cycle.

Today, I can honestly and without reservation say, I enjoy, no LOVE, being a Woman.

Photo Credits: Red Rose by ccmerino on Flickr
West River Reflections by slack12 on Flickr