I'm Going to Give Thanks

My baby girl (Z3) is set to have surgery to repair a hernia.  Z2 had a hernia as well but it was in a different location and most likely would (and did) resolve on it's own.  I sat down with the doctor yesterday and he took his time to explain to me in great detail exactly what a hernia is and how to fix it. The placement of Z3's hernia makes self-resolution very unlikely and it's the doctor's recommendation that we take care of it sooner than later.  I was keeping my fingers crossed that we would not need surgery.  

I've been dealing with insomnia on top of allergies on top of just the normal waking up 3-4 times at night to nurse.  This is something extra to keep me awake.  I'm really tired.  And really worried.  I mean, in the grand scheme of things, it is a very minor surgery and I know there are parents dealing with much scarier medical issues.  But even minor surgery carries risks.  

What I spent the night thinking about were three things:

1. The surgery risks: the two main ones being local infection and anesthesia
2. Antibiotics: the broad antibiotic that she will be given pre-surgery will knock out all her gut flora.  I'm trying to do the research now to see what would be the best protocol for restoring her gut symbiosis.  Breastfeeding alone will go far but something like 80% of our immune system is in our gut.  For my children, gut health is pivotal as I am relying 100% on their immune system to fight off disease and keep them healthy.  
3. No food: she cannot nurse for 5 hours prior to the surgery.  Baby girl is on a once an hour nursing schedule right now.  It's going to be heartbreaking denying her milk for 5 hours.  

Some fortunate things:

1. Surgeries for babies are scheduled very early (7:30 AM) so she will not be starving all day.
2. The surgery will be laproscopic which means that it will be less invasive and the healing time will shortened.  
3. There is very little chance of reoccurrence.  
4. The surgery, if all goes well with anesthesia, is a one day deal.  We will be in and out on the same day.
5. Baby girl is very healthy and robust.

I'm still pretty worried though and it was very hard to get to sleep last night.  I've got a dull headache this morning.  I'm encouraging myself though because, in the big picture, this surgery is just a blip on the radar.  And I'm making a conscious effort to focus on the outcome I want and not on my fears.  I think that is supremely important.  

And I am also staying in a state of gratitude for all I have and for this situation.  I'm not totally clear about what my calling is in life but I do know that I am sent to be a resource.  And this experience will certainly give me the tools to do just that.  This challenge adds a layer of complexity and beauty to the tapestry of my life and gives me a testimony that may at some point encourage and teach someone else.  So I am going to give thanks.  

Making some changes

Yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally and, thankfully, I was very clear as to why and in line with my new attitude towards things, I'm being solution-oriented.  

I have been sick for the past two weeks with a flu that just laid me out.  I only started to feel about 95% two days ago and today, I finally felt well enough to get moving again and exercise.  But I was really worried that the sickness would be a permanent setback and that I wouldn't be able to get back into exercise for the rest of this pregnancy.  Yesterday, I felt so lethargic and lackluster that I really started to worry. So I am so relieved and happy that I could exercise this morning and, of course, I feel great.  I just determined last night to get to bed before 9 without fail and to get up and do something.  I decided on a DVD with which I am very familiar that has both weight and cardio intervals and I knew I would just do the modifications and take it easy.  It was difficult to get started but once I did, it felt great.  And now, I'm ready to consistently exercise every morning even if it's just a few minutes of stretching or a walk.  The phrase "Just Do It" has some serious merit to it.  

I've also been a bit concerned about not having much help after the baby gets here.  The sickness took me completely out which meant I spent a lot of time sleeping and the boys spent a lot of time watching t.v. and playing on the computer.  I've lamented lack of community and close friends before but being sick like that crystallized how serious a situation this is in my life.  There is no one close enough to me that I could rely on to help me through those difficult days.  I was blessed to see my father step up and help me get the boys to their karate class and get them dinner on some days but otherwise, I was on my own dealing with the boys and the upkeep of the house while battling temperatures of 101 and higher.  Of course, the hubby is a great help but he is at work for the majority of the day.  I couldn't help but start to worry about how I'm going to handle things when the baby arrives and I am getting little to no sleep but still need to get up and do the things I need to do for myself, my family and the household.   I mean, I am still wondering how to fulfill my need for simple company, i.e. another adult who I see and interact with on a consistent basis, much less friends who see that I need help and offer.  I don't have a solution for this one yet but I am working on it.  It may involve hosting a knitting/crochet meet-up at my house.  I think I have been hyper-focused on meeting others who homeschool and that has been very unproductive.  Why not tap into my other interests?

Since January I have been following the specific carbohydrate diet and the results have been lackluster.  I know that I will need to see someone who can correctly diagnose what I've got going on but right now so we can appropriately address it.  I do have a functional nutritionist lined up and I hope to start working with her after the baby is born.  But right now, my options are to continue to tweak my diet and do things to heal my gut. So after about 5 months of SCD, I am going to try something different and that is to avoid FODMAPs foods.  I will try it for 3 weeks at first and see if there is any improvement.

Lastly, I find it so fascinating that following a paleo/primal diet has left me feeling more isolated than being vegan.  It's amazing how the tides have changed over the last few years in favor of vegetarianism.   A few days ago, I posted on a board for more natural-minded mothers that I finally tried liver.  Liver is indeed a superfood especially if it comes from an animal that has been eating its proper diet.  So I have been wanting to give it a shot for some time now but memories of eating it as a child were not pleasant.  Also, I am a picky eater so the odds are I still wouldn't like the taste.  But I tried it.  I added it to some beef stew.  And I ate it.  I was very proud of myself.  Come to find out that grass-fed liver is nothing like the liver of my youth.  And that, although the way I prepared it wasn't the greatest, it wasn't the worst.  Eating liver is definitely not a mainstream thing but what I am learning is that "natural living" or "alternative lifestyle" is now synonymous with being a vegetarian or better yet a vegan and optimally a raw food vegan.  The few comments I got on that board were condescending [let us help you find a plant-based way (i.e. a better way) to get what it is you think you are missing] or downright rude (I find that if meat eaters need to do so much to meat to make it palatable then that should be a sign not to eat meat.)  As if . . . as if, you would go out into your garden, collect kidney beans, throw them into a pot with nothing but water and that would be something palatable and delicious.  I can't be too mad since  I was one of those vegans who would call other human beings "meat eaters" as if what I didn't eat made me superior to them.  I can't be too mad when folks turn around and call me a "meat eater".  I don't have any desire to argue with anyone.  I have no energy to waste engaging in that kind of negativity.  I only want support for my journey to healing which has involved incorporating nutrient-dense animal products into my diet and I don't see myself going back to totally plant-based diet any time soon as it's clear to me that that is what got me here in the first place.  Also, I simply look at my teeth and I notice that I have canines and molars which means I am omnivorous: I am supposed to eat meat and vegetables.  I also notice that I have only 4 canines and many more molars which means far more vegetables/fruits than meat.  I am, after all, not a meat-eater.  I look into my cat's mouth and see only canines.  It only makes sense to have her on a diet that is mainly meat (no grains butsea veggies and other veggies since she is an indoor cat and likes chicken but doesn't seem to like grass-fed beef).  She is a meat-eater.  I'm doing for myself what makes sense to me and is helping me and I am not insisting or arguing that it make sense to anyone else or that anyone else do what I am doing.

I'd be lying if I said that little online interaction didn't force me to remember why I had pretty much stopped interacting online. It generally doesn't make me feel lifted: people who don't know you making judgments about you.  No thanks.  So I'm once again, making some changes.  

I am feeling so much better today physically and emotionally and so much clearer about how to handle things that would have had me down for days.  The decision to be solution-oriented has, dare I say, turned my life around.  Even if the solution isn't clear, it's so much more empowering to be on the lookout for the answer instead of wallowing in the problem.  

Learning to trust the Process

Not necessarily because I want to, but because I have to!

The moment I found out that I was expecting our third was an interesting moment in my life. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts and many worries. To a certain extent, I still do but I am so very happy about this baby on his/her way.

One of the issues I thought about was my fitness, training, and admittedly, my weight.

Without a doubt, a healthy pregnancy involves weight gain and even though I understand that from an intellectual point of view, it is very difficult to let go of the emotional angst that comes with the weight gain. I can see that I am putting on weight in a healthy way but I'm still nervous about putting it on. How difficult will it be to lose the weight? How long will it take? I know that if worse comes to worst, I can always go back to Weight Watchers, which is how I successfully lost weight last time. But I eat a paleo diet now and it was difficult for me to reconcile paleo (high fat) to Weight Watchers. I mean, how can I really trust that my paleo diet will ensure that I lose the weight? I always hear that it's difficult to overeat fat and protein but let me tell you, it just is not the truth for me. I love to eat. A lot. I will continue to eat after I am full just because the food tastes good. I have not yet gotten to a point where I can trust myself to eat and then stop when I am full. There is a whole list of foods that I totally avoid because I know once I start, I won't or can't stop until the entire bag is gone. I have absolutely no self-control around those foods. So yeah, I'm nervous. Weight Watchers worked so well for me because it imposed limits on how much I could eat. I wouldn't eat the whole bag because that would be well over 3/4ths of my daily allowance. I am a stickler for the rules and guidelines and if they are in place, I seem to function better. Eating paleo and trying to lose weight is like jumping out of a plane but this time without a parachute. Just hoping I eventually land. I'm just not sure about it. I do know that this pregnancy has involved me eating a lot more sweets (in the form of fruit) than I usually do. I've also been eating honey pretty liberally (one of the few sweeteners allowed on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet). It's obvious to me that to lose weight, I will need to cut those out or at least significantly reduce how much of it I have. But how soon can I do that while nursing? The bottom line is that I do not trust myself. I do not know exactly what my body needs to be healthy. I am learning what my body doesn't need but I honestly do not know what it does need. Also, I think sugar is addictive so can a craving for something sweet really be trusted? But there is nothing left to do but to trust the process. Continue to eat nourishing foods. Get good sleep. Relax. Move. And I hope that will do the trick.

And then there's my weight training and fitness. I had planned to stay active throughout my pregnancy and, for the most part, I am. However, I have had to slow down significantly and although I know I should be relaxing and enjoying not pushing as much, the truth is I love to push. I love to set personal records. I do not like taking it easy. But I really have no choice in the matter. Running is really uncomfortable. Most of the movements I used to do for my high intensity interval training are a no-go too. I run out of breath easily. Heck, even walking 15 minutes to the gym feels like I have *worked*. I definitely have had to drop the weights that I use and on certain lifts (most recently vertical push and pull exercises) I feel too much strain so I refuse to do them. I'm worried about losing some of the gains I've made. When I finished Power Training for Strength, I was deadifting at a maximum 170 pounds. When I started lifting weight, I could only deadlift about 80 pounds. I mean, I have been seeing some really great gains with consistency and discipline and I worry about how much of those gains I will lose. When will I actually get my life back together after the baby is born to start seriously lifting again? I just have to accept that my body is already doing a great deal of work by growing a baby and realize that backing off is not defeat or a sign of weakness. And I also have to be grateful that I am having a low-risk pregnancy which means that even though I'm not as active as I'd want to be, I can be active.

There are many questions in my mind but I am trying to relax despite my concerns. I am regularly practicing yoga (accepting that most of my yoga DVDs are no longer suitable and I need to stick to prenatal ones). And I've finally incorporated a meditation practice into my life that relaxes me and helps me be more patient and understanding. I have been working with Shimoff's book Happy for No Reason. I've been keeping a gratitude journal every day, no exception. I write down three or more things for which I am grateful. And surprisingly, even on days that I don't think I have much to be grateful for, I come up with things. Usually far more than 3 things. So if nothing else, not being able to do fitness related things has given me time to do more meditative, healing things. Spiritual fitness, I suppose one could say. And that is a wonderful gift that this baby is giving me. Another thing for which to be grateful.  

No Homebirth this Time Around

Giving birth to Z2 at home was an amazing experience.  Homebirth is and always will be my ideal.  But after weeks of fighting with my insurance company, I finally got them to tell me how much they would pay and it is less than half of the midwife's fee.  I thought about how I could work out a payment plan or something to come up with the balance before I hit 36 weeks. I thought about maybe purchasing additional insurance (which is quite difficult and could get just as pricey as the midwife's fee).  But I have finally accepted that I am not in a financial position to swing this homebirth.  I thought about going unassisted but I am not totally comfortable with that especially since the hubby is really only marginally cool with even midwife-assisted homebirth.  

My other options are to go with the certified nurse midwife practice with which I had Z1. They deliver in a hospital and the idea is just repugnant to me.  As luck would have it, one of the last two freestanding birth centers is only about 20 minutes from me.  I called today to set up an appointment and good thing I did.  I found out that you can't birth in the birthing center if you don't have your first appointment within the first 24 weeks of pregnancy.  They had *one* appointment left within that timeframe (I have until May 1st) and that is next Friday, March 30, 2012 at 4:30.  Not the most convenient time for me but I'm feeling lucky that I actually got an appointment.

So I e-mailed my midwife and on Wednesday, she will fax me all my documents (positive pregnancy test and lab results) which I must take with me on Friday. 

The birth center is not currently giving tours but the two pictures I saw look good.  My intention is to labor at home as long as possible before I go there.  And I'm hoping to leave as soon as I give birth.  I have some more questions that I will ask on Friday but I'm pretty sure this is it.  

I have to be honest when I say that I am relieved because the stress of trying to figure  out how I could afford the midwife was getting to me.  And the last thing I need is stress.

But I won't lie and say that I'm not supremely disappointed that my homebirth won't happen.  Nothing was more magical than lying in my own bed with my two boys after giving birth to Z2.  Amazing.  And there's that feeling of giving up on something you really want.  One more thing it feels like I am giving up on.  And wondering what next?  I feel powerless to make my desires come true and that is not a very good feeling at all.  And there's also that feeling of having my "crunchy mama" card revoked, silly as that may sound.  Having homebirths, in a real or perceived way, is a hallmark of being a natural, in-tune, alternative earth mama.  I'm finding myself kind of hesitant to share my decision too widely with folks.

But, there is just so much we could do for this baby with the $5,000 we would be paying for his/her birth. I guess this is what being a grown up is about--making hard decisions and sometimes putting aside what's most ideal for what is most practical.  Having and raising another child is a pretty big expense in and of itself.  The best situation is to bring him/her into the world with the least amount of stress (and the most resources) possible.  

Very rarely am I a part of the morning rush hour but today was an exception.  I needed to run out and pick up some groceries and I wanted to do it while the hubby was still home.  That meant that I had to leave by 8:00AM and be back by 8:30 the latest.  So off I went into the frigid cold.  I picked up the groceries and on the way home, there was a bit of a traffic jam.  A traffic signal was broken and was staying red indefinitely.  As I sat there, I thought to myself that I kind of miss the morning hustle and bustle.  The morning energy.  Everyone experiencing the freshness and optimism of a new day. You know, the rhythm of it.  The purposefulness of getting up, getting dressed, heading out the house to go do a job that has a broader effect than on just one's family.  Having a job that pays; a job that has a title.  I kind of miss just being me for a portion of the day.  Not Z1 or Z2's mom.  

I don't miss the stress, though.  And it was a lot of stress.  But there's a lot of stress as a stay-at-home mom too.  Minus the social interaction.  Which sometimes makes it difficult for me to decide which stress is less intense.  I think, sometimes, that at least the stress of working yielded a pay check and some recognition from time to time.

I'm not planning to go back to work full-time anytime soon.  Being a stay-at-home/homeschooling mom is important to me and I think it's the best fit for my family.  And it won't last forever because kids do indeed grow up.  But I think how life would be different if I did make a switch.  I'm not always totally sure it wouldn't be good.  

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Let Them Learn through Play!

I work at a learning center--the curriculum is based on reading and math and we also implement the Handwriting without Tears program.  A few months ago, we ran a Groupon and it generated a large response.  Interestingly enough, a few parents signed up kids who were younger than three or had just turned three.  This is actually mind-boggling to me.  What exactly do parents expect a three year old to get out of a reading and math program?  They usually don't even want to separate from their parents long enough to do a diagnostic to see how much the child knows.  Usually, we try to interest the parents in the handwriting program (which is really the only part of our program appropriate for such young children) but even that is difficult.  They simply don't have the attention span or the physical ability to even hold a crayon much less trace lines and curves.  I mean, parents know this, don't they?  What do they expect us to do?  Magic?  And not only is it impractical to have three year olds in the program, it's exceedingly disruptive to the older students who are working.  Three year olds will sometimes cry or have a tantrum or even throw things.  It just makes me shake my head in sheer frustration.  I just think it's so obvious.  

The company I work for is a business so we don't make it a practice of turning away potential customers.  We try as much as possible to accommodate folks but why is it that parents won't let their babies be babies?  I actually feel a little deceitful and grimy talking to these parents because I just know their child will get so little out of the program at three.  Just a few more months and it will make a whole lot more sense.  

A three year old is supposed to be spending most of his/her time learning through play!  Not sitting down trying to work out of a book.  In fact, play should be a vital and large part of all children's lives.  

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Halloween--a Meaningless Holiday?

Growing up in a conservative Christian household, Halloween was one of those holidays we most certainly did not observe or celebrate in any way, shape or form.  We were not allowed to dress up in costumes or trick-or-treat of go to Halloween parties.  I remember once that I was pulled from my after-school program or class when they had scheduled a Halloween party.  As far as my parents were concerned, Halloween was a holiday that glorified Satan and all things dark and as Christians, we were supposed to avoid those things.  I'll readily admit that I felt left out of the Halloween festivities.  I remember in fifth grade, begging and pleading to be allowed to dress up for Halloween.  I was already an outcast and a misfit and I was desperate to find a way to be normal and "like everybody else".  I put together some make-shift outfit with one of my mom's old church hats and a scarf and more than anything, I remember feeling so ridiculous that I took it off.  It wasn't a good at all.  

As an adult, I don't have a religious slant  as to why I don't want to be bothered with Halloween.  I've just had no inclination to.  I understand that it's supposed to be a fun holiday for children and all that and some folks really get a kick out of it.  But it just seems kind of pointless to me.

But this year, a friend invited us to do the Halloween/trick-or-treat thing and I agreed.  It would be the first time I or my kids would be trick-or-treating.  I guess I just wanted to see what it would be like and I wanted to hang out with her and her kids.  Ahead of time, I put some thought into what we would do with the candy.  I bought small collection buckets and thanks to Sarah at Everyday Paleo, had some pretty good ideas of how we could take the focus off the candy and still have a fun time.  

And Z1 and Z2 did have a fun time trick-or-treating but it got ugly once they got home.  The candy exchange did not go so well and there were lots of tears and frustration.  So much so that we will not be doing it again.  For me, there is absolutely no significance to this holiday but there are a lot of things that I find distasteful about it: this gorging on candy and sugar (treats that in reality are unhealthy and unnecessary) and this whole mentality of "gimme, gimme, gimme" with very little gratitude.  I mean, there were HORDES of children coming to get candy by the time I was leaving my friend's house (we went trick-or-treating very early) and it was disturbing how few of them said "Thank you".  There was just this expectation and this reluctance to slow down and take stock of was already in teh bucket.  I just couldn't believe any of it and I knew I didn't want any part of it after that night.  

I have this sense that because things are so tough economically right now and we have such a skimpy sense of community as Americans, we try to get these holidays to fill in the gaps in our lives and they just don't.  They fail miserably and leave us feeling even more empty.  You go to neighbors' houses to get candy but they don't even know you despite the fact that you're just a couple of yards away. I mean, I am disturbed by how much community is lacking in my neighborhood and I thought it would be nice to see how it goes in other communities that seem to be more connected.  But it just wasn't the case that there is connection and community--not in my friend's neighborhood either.

I'm interested in authentic community building.  I'm very interested in building authentic health--passionate even.  Halloween the way it is currently celebrated does not support any of these interests so now after having this experience, I really don't see the point.  

But what about the costumes, you say?  Well, they can wear costumes when they feel like it (although my boys have not shown much interest in dress-up).  It doesn't have to be tied to Halloween.  What about the candy, you say?  Candy is a rarity around here and if I had my way, it would be even rarer.  The hard-liner in me says that refined sugar should not hold any place of prominence in a child's diet.  But I get it . . . eating sweets is pleasurable and I don't want to be a totalitarian dictator about diet or about anything really because we all know what that gets: rebellion.

I know there are people out there who celebrate Halloween as part of their spirituality and I can totally respect that.  It has meaning for them.  But the way it's celebrated by the majority of folks is just empty.  And I don't have any desire to put my time and energy into something that's pointless.  I'm much more inclined to focus on harvest celebrations and the changing of the seasons--our connection to nature and life with an emphasis on gratitude.  

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You're Going to Stick with It . . . If I have anything to do with it

Z1 has been taking piano lessons since the beginning of they year.  He has been doing very well and even won the trophy for best newcomer in his music school.  He definitely has ability and, I would say, talent.  But learning an instrument is hard and not much fun in beginning.  In fact, it doesn't become fun until you master that which was once hard.  So every so often, Z1 says he wants to quit the piano.  Lately he's been saying it a lot.

Now, the part of me who wants to be the attachment/gentle discipline parent says that if he really wants to quit, I should let him quit.  The other part--the more totalitarian part of me-- says that he will quit over my dead body.  I'm afraid that the totalitarian part is winning this battle.  You see, no one ever grows up and says, "You know, I regret learning to play the piano."  He will eventually enjoy playing it and it's a useful skill.

You know what?  I feel very sad that my parents didn't follow through with piano lessons.  I took them for a short while and made lots of progress but once we moved to a different part of the city, the lessons stopped and my formal learning stopped.  Oh, I played in high school and even played for my father's church but it was all very amateur and not what I would have liked to see for myself as a pianist.  I wanted to be good.  So yeah, maybe I'm projecting what I wanted for myself on to my child.  I won't deny it.  But I think it's healthy to learn how to play an instrument for many different reasons.  I honestly can't see how pushing him to learn this skill will hurt him in the long run.  

My promise is to not yell or be mean about it but to be firm.  A challenge is not a good reason to give up.  Z1 is expected to rise to the challenge.  And I know he will.   

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Food Battles

Now, I know that I am a pretty picky eater.  I don't really like trying new things and I can pretty much eat the same things over and over ad infinitum.  I thought that I'd be better able to understand and deal with my children.  I know many children are notoriously picky . . . I was prepared to sympathize and work with them.

But let me tell you, it borders on ridiculous sometimes.  When meals are served, my kids will invariably complain that it's "yucky".  It doesn't really matter what it is.  And it's not just because we are transitioning to paleo eating either.  They did the same thing with bean based dishes.  Just tonight, I served chili and Z1 fell out on the floor as if someone had just sentenced him to eating a bowl of fried beetles.  Z2 complained after every bite.  Luckily, they did eat the yam fries without too much of a problem so at least dinner wasn't a complete wash tonight.

They have their favorite foods like pizza (especially), bread and french fries, which I had been very happy to make for them from scratch at home with the best ingredients I could find.  Trying to substitute paleo-friendly options for these favorite foods has been hit-and-miss.  I've tried different kinds of pizza crusts--some with coconut flour, some with almond--and I haven't found one yet that they really enjoy.  I tried the paleo bread from Elana's Pantry and that was wonderful and well-received.  I felt like I hit the lotto when I fried up some yam and it was accepted as french fries.  

But pretty much every meal is met with complaining and tears and a general lack of gratitude.  And I find it very problematic that before they say "Thank You" they will say things like "Not this again--I hate this!"  I understand that making the transition to paleo is hard but really and honestly, it's not the new way of eating that has prompted the complaining.  It's just different foods to complain about.  

I have come upon some sure-fire foods that will be met with smiles all around: meatloaf (I use Sarah's recipe) and millet (non-paleo but it's cool . . . the kids are pretty much 80/20) and Z1 has really taken a liking to roasted butternut squash and cauliflower rice.

I'll admit that it hurts my feelings.  I really feel so under-appreciated because I do spend so much of my time working hard in the kitchen only for folks to spit on the food and act like it's just torture to eat.  I know I need to re-adjust my attitude and not take it so personally but I am trying so hard and they just could not care less.  Never a simple thank you.  I know they are children and they don't really care much about things or people outside of themselves but tonight, I just felt really overwhelmed by it all.  Wishing I could give up and let them eat whatever garbage they want.  After all, we grew up on white rice and chicken and a whole bunch of other non-ideal foods and we turned out fine.  Well, somewhat fine.

I don't know . .. it seems like an issue all mothers really struggle with, i.e. getting children to eat.  I don't know that my mother had all this agitation around mealtimes.  I feel like it was either you eat or you don't.  And that was that.  I guess I could offer them alternatives if they don't want to eat what is served but in reality, any alternative means more work for me because all the simple go to foods that I would usually serve are not paleo.  So I guess I need to figure out a way to make peace with the stage they are in right now.  And really not take it personally.  

Baby Days are Over

Z2 weighed 38 lbs. last time I weighed him.  Only 2 more pounds, and he would be at the upper height limit for his car seats.  I had always thought that when the time came and I needed to replace his car seats, I'd go with the Sunshine Kids Radian 65 seat.  It's a super narrow seat and is the one Z1 has.  The idea was that with two of the super slim seats, I could fit a third seat (specifically a Graco SnugRide) in the back seat of my '05 Subaru Outback.  I actually researched it because I had read that many folks had difficulty getting three seats in the back of my particular car.  This configuration of the two Radian 65s on the outboards seats and the Graco SnugRide in the center was supposed to work, i.e. you could get a tight fit for all three car seats.  

Then on Thursday of last week, I received a flyer from Toys R Us.  In it, the Graco Nautilus 3-in-1 Car seat was on sale for $129.99.  On top of that, they were having a trade in event where you could get 25% off another item for each item you bring in.  I already have a Nautilus for Z1 which is in his dad's car.  It's an awesome seat because it's 3-in-1: harnesses up to 65 lbs., belt positioning high back booster up 100, and then a backless booster.  Theoretically, it's the last car seat you'd ever have to buy which is great and with the coupon I'd get for trading in both of Z2's car seats, they would cost me about $105 each.  Sweet deal.  But it's a pretty wide seat--nowhere near as narrow as the Radian 65.  Now way at all to fit a third seat in the middle.  

And that's when I started to feel really, really sad.  And like I had to make a decision quickly.  The sale would not last forever and the question that I've been grappling with for months needed to be answered now.  

As you may or may not know, the hubby definitely does not want any more children.  I, on the other hand, do (or did).  I'd always envisioned myself with a big family of four kids.  I thought I'd drive a mini-van and even knew the one I wanted (the Nissan Quest).  But the reality of it was that I was alone in this desire.  I know now that this is a serious issue that we should probably have talked more about (even though things and people do change so there's no guarantees we would have been able to avoid this issue).  I was under the impression that the hubby would be okay with 3 kids.  He wanted 2.  I wanted 4.  3 was a good compromise.  But is there such a thing as compromise when it comes to another living being?  Well, we had many long discussions.  There were tears and anger and frustration.  Eventually, the hubby relented and we started to try for a third.  But by the time this happened, I was super ambivalent about it.  I felt like I had forced the hubby's hand, yes, but more than that, I realized a few important things.  Firstly, from a financial standpoint, we are not totally in the  position to have another child.  Sure, we could make it work but in all honesty, our small apartment and cars accommodate 2 children perfectly.  With careful planning and budgeting, we are living comfortably, can give our kids things like swim and piano lessons, can go on modest vacations and even put some money aside..  Yes, we would adjust to a third child and it would be joyful and awesome to meet another one of our creations but it would stress us.  It would stress the hubby because he would feel like he'd have to work and it would stress me because when he's out of the house working, I'm at home working.  And the kind of mothering I want to do is super intense--co-sleeping, exclusively nursing, baby-wearing, cloth diapering--it takes energy.   Which brings me to the next point, from a resource standpoint, I am still struggling.  The children are either under my care or the hubby's care 99% of the time.  We cannot afford a nanny or consistent babysitters.  And I'm struggling to find a homeschool community for support.  We simple don't have the social resources/capital to have another child at this time.  But every day that passes, as my kids age, I gain a little freedom to do those things that I've been putting on the back burner.  I can focus on my fitness which I really enjoy.  I get longer clips of time to write.   It always boils down to time (just wait and the kids will grow and you can do more things) or money (make more so you can do more things).  Time, I hope, I have.  Money, not so much.  Yet despite all this, if the hubby showed some enthusiasm about having another, I could comfortably put all these concerns aside and keep trying.  Without his unyielding support, though, it feels selfish and stupid and the doubts are loud enough for me to say, no, I shouldn't keep pushing.  

So I've been pretty broke up these past couple of days accepting that Z2 is my last baby.  I feel pangs of jealousy and sadness when I see moms with their three or four children.  It feels like yet another dream that I just have to let go.  But I am and you know what?  It's helping me appreciate what I already have.  At least, I no longer drive around with mini-van envy.  

I pulled the trigger and went on ahead and bought the two Nautilus car seats.  The purchase of these two seats feels like the closing of a wonderful chapter in my life.  For now and perhaps forever, my baby days are over.  

Martial Arts

It seems like martial arts have become just one more activity on the long list of activities the well-rounded American kid should do.  But I've always felt a bit hesitant about signing Z1 up for martial arts classes.  Karate is offered at our local Y and so many parents I talk to have their kids taking some form of martial arts. At a birthday party I went to a few weeks ago, two parents were debating discussing the merits the superiority of the particular form of martial arts her child was learning (one was learn jujutsu and the other tae kwon do).  As I sat there listening to the conversation, I felt rather uneasy and frankly, I wondered how much the parents actually knew about that particular form of martial arts.  How much did they actually know about martial arts in general?  The history.  The purpose.  The discipline.  

Much like yoga in the West, martial arts has changed significantly and a lot of the timesfeels hollow and naked  to me.  Stripped of something somehow.  I saw this video on The World of Ensayn Reality and Mr. Roberto Sharpe really got to the heart of why I feel hesitation about just signing Z1 up for some martial arts classes:

  

I feel equally uneasy about just going to yoga classes.  Yoga, to me, is spiritual.  The martial arts, to me, when practiced in their truest form is spiritual too.  It's not just exercise or something to put on a resume.  It takes time.  Lots and lots of time, patience and learning to reach the heights of the practice (consciousness).  (And the heights of the practice don't necessarily involve a trophy or a certificate.)  And so, if you seriously want to delve deeply into it, you (preferably) need a master.  You need to be committed.  Patient.  Open.

Now maybe that's just taking something that could simply be a fun activity (that as a perk teaches kids some discipline) and making it more complex than it needs to be.  Maybe it's just not that deep.  But to me, it really seems like something I need to think on and meditate on before we just do it.  Z1 is taking piano classes and will soon start swimming classes.  These disciplines also require commitment, discipline and time so I don't feel like Z1 is not acquiring these important traits.  I feel like I have the time, if he expresses interest, to find him a true martial arts teacher.  And that is what I would like to do.  

The Demise of the DS

I have a secret. Well, it kind of feels like a secret. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, Z1's Nintendo DS, the one we bought just 3 months ago, got really wet. He accidently left his water bottle open in his bag and the water spilled all over it. We tried to dry it out and even replaced the battery but it won't power on. The DS is over. I had mixed feelings about getting the DS in the first place so I was also feeling ambivalent about it's destruction. Maybe “good riddens” but also “what a waste of money!”

What surprised me most about the whole situation was that Z1 was totally nonplussed. When he first got the DS, all he wanted to do was play it. I was placing all kinds of time limits and working out all kinds of deals with him about how and when he played it. But true to his dabbler nature, he moved on after a while finding intense pleasure in dot-to-dot puzzles (which he has since abandoned).

On the one hand, I was happy that he wasn't broken up about the destroyed DS but on the other, I was annoyed that he couldn't care less that it was ruined. I blamed it on the fact that it's his nature but my good friend pointed out to me that the DS is a very social kind of video game system. It's made to play with others. I mean, that's what I've noticed these days about video games: it's not one guy holed up in a room with his games. It's a community of gamers. I used to hear my nephew talking to my other nephew, who lives all the way on the other side of the country, strategizing about a certain video game they were playing.

So once again, I found myself really having to take a look at our homeschooling and assessing it. The one thing that lacks is a community. A real homeschooling community that we can count on for support and that we belong to.

Now homeschoolers are quick to point out that there are plenty of opportunities for real socialization for a homeschooled child. If you understand what socialization is, you realize that traditional schools do not really offer children opportunities to really socialize. The interaction is forced (based on age) and controlled (based on the need to teach and/or manage large groups of people at one time) but at least, at the very least, it's interaction. So while I started to think that the solution to our lack of community might be school, I know it's most likely not. But then what is? I don't know.

My secret is that I don't have the unflagging confidence that other homeschoolers have, that Z1 is socializing enough and getting all he needs in that respect.  (Even writing that feels like I'm breaking with the ranks).)  I don't think Z1 gets enough consistent time with other children. He's fast outgrowing story times and most of his friends are in school all day. With one income, we cannot afford to do 32,000 different classes in hopes of forging connections or interacting, either. There are tons (and I mean tons) of things to sign kids up for in the city. Some are geared towards homeschoolers (homeschooling "schools) an learning centers and some are just general but we have to come out of pocket. And for me, living right outside of the city, I have to consider the cost of getting into the city (both economically and physically). We've joined the YMCA, which is great because he gets to do all kinds of things with different teachers and the cost is low. Often, however, the other children know each other from school or (this is really the one that makes it difficult) the groups/classes are never consistent. What that means is that he might do Pike 1 Swimming with one group of kids and do Pike 2 Swimming with a totally different set. He doesn't get to know the kids and I don't get to know the parents. We go, take the class, mind our own business and go home. There is little to no connection. At least if we were a traditionally schooling family, we'd have that connection. The fact that we all belong to the same school community connects us. No matter what homeschoolers say, school is a community, forced or not.

Don't get me wrong: I have tried and am trying doggedly to make strong connections with other homeschoolers, build a community based on homeschooling. If folks can build even a temporary community based on traditional schooling, certainly I can find or build a community based on non-traditional schooling. But honestly, everyone seems too busy. If it's not forced, it seems like it won't happen because given the option, folks will opt out of making real connections. And I have to be honest: my pride gets in the way. I push and really try to have playdates and get-togethers. If one suggestion doesn't work, I'll try another. But I hate to feel like I'm begging folks to hang out, pleading with folks to build community with me, imploring folks to see the importance of it all. I start to wonder what is it that everyone else is so busy doing that I'm not. Why do I feel such a void and others don't? Doesn't this lack of community and connection bother anyone else? What's wrong with me?

Let me be honest again and say that I had felt this way for a long time in my own personal life. A real inability to form close connections that stick. I had decided that I would stop trying and the closest thing I had to a girlfriend (you know what I mean by this—a real soul sister) was my blood sister. Only recently has this started to change and so it gives me hope that it will change for homeschooling too if I just keep going and accept the situation as it is right now knowing it won't always be this way. I mean, I'm really holding on here. It seems like I'm making headway, meeting homeschooling folks, getting somewhere, and just as I start to get excited about it, something happens (kids get enrolled in school, folks move away or just stop communicating) and I'm back at square one.

A part of me knows that this struggle to really connect is something that society at large is dealing with especially with all the social media available now. People are just too busy to meet and visit. Even a phone call seems to be too much for people to muster. I get that I have made the conscious decision to live counter to our prevailing culture and any time you do that, you find yourself isolated until you find folks who've made similar decision. And I know they exist—just not where I live. I know that this would probably not even have been an issue if we lived in another place. But we are not in a position to move (and how do you figure out something like "is there a real, cohesive group of  homeschoolers here"  before you move anyway) and so I'm just focused on attracting like-minded folks to me.

Well, it seems that perhaps if Z1 had some friends to play DS with, he might have been more upset about it's demise. Before we bought the DS, I didn't even know how I'd feel about him and a bunch of his friends sitting around playing DS instead of running and jumping and playing physically. But what I have learned from the DS experience is that eventually, I can trust that Z1 will go do something else. I actually know that most kids, given ample space and time, will only use the DS as one way to spend their time.

The DS has also reminded me about this darn socialization issue. When I tell others that I'm homeschooling and they respond that they couldn't “do that” to their kid because their kid is too social, I don't even know what to say. I just nod and say, “It's not for everyone”. I'd like to put on a brave face and stand in defense of homeschooling, bold and emphatic like other homeschoolers (many homeschooling bloggers and message board posters) but yeah, it gets isolating and it's one damned good reason to think long and hard before anyone decides for or against it. You've got to do your research and figure out what you can deal with and what you cannot. Because to say that it gets really intense around here sometimes is an understatement because Z1 relies on me to play with and do things with him a lot. We get a lot of face time. And sometimes, just because I'm a human being, I want to be left alone and I wish he'd go find someone else to play with. But there's isn't any one.

Anyway, I'm looking to sell all the accessories we bought for the Nintendo DS Lite so if you need a case for yours, chargers, extra battery, etc., etc., I have it for you. ;)

Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

I wasn't sure when I'd get this book from the library. I was probably number 386 on a list of 400 library patrons who'd put this book on hold.  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is the much talked about memoir by Amy Chua in which she chronicles how she raised her daughters according to the "Chinese model" which is the opposite of the deeply flawed Western model.  

I think the most interesting thing about this book is that Chua was born and raised in the U.S.A.  From the outset that means that she doesn't have firsthand knowledge of what the Chinese model is.  Nor does she have intimate experience with what it yields or where it comes from.  She does have some evidence, at least, in the person of her father and her youngest daughter that the Chinese model which she holds as the pinnacle of good parenting, didn't and doesn't always work.  Yet, she nobly forges ahead to demonstrate how Chinese parenting is superior to Western parenting.

Chua is careful to note that Chinese parenting is really just the type of parenting that is extremely hands on and controlling--authoritarian.  Children do what their parents say and that's the end of that.  Parents set the goal and children achieve them.  There's no negotiation.  No choice.  And, apparently, no fun.  Chua, it seems, systematically thwarts her children's chances at having a fun childhood inserting piano and violin practices during vacation and long into the night.  For her, fun seems to be a luxury her children can't afford and don't deserve.  

It was almost painful to read some parts of this book.  I think the most heart-breaking scene for me is when Chua is chiding her elder daughter Sophia about some rice that the dogs got a hold of and scattered all over.  Sophia, who usually quietly and calmly puts up with her mother's controlling and over-driven personality blows up (finally) and tells her mother not to take her anger over her little sister Lulu's rebellion on her.  Why?  Because being 13 is tough.  Sophia says she knows this firsthand.  Chua has no clue whatsoever that her daughter found being 13 tough and at this point, the girl is 16.  I mean . . . it really struck a serious chord with me and sent a pang of pain through my body.  So focused on the goal, the dream, the vision that you ignore the persons who are sacrificing to make your vision reality.  I know about that.

At the same time, I get it.  The stereotypical Western parent is lax and does let their kids do whatever they want to do and quit when they get ready.  They don't push their children enough and they let their children run the show.  But I think that the pendulum shouldn't swing too far in either direction:  it shouldn't be control and manipulation and threats to get the desired behavior.  Just as it shouldn't be giving in all the time and having no defined limits for kids to get the desired behavior.  Each of these scenarios sends children mixed messages about if they are loved because the love that's bestowed is conditional upon the behavior.  And as Chua showed in her book, the Chinese model doesn't always work although, depending on personality, it can (potentially--Chua's daughters are not yet grown at the time the book was published).

I will say I admire Chua's gangster though.  I can't think of anything I want my kids to do so badly that I would drive 2 hours to and fro every Sunday to practice or sit for 5-6 hours at a time to do. I mean, I have to give her her props.  She studied the music right along with her children and really put in a lot of effort and energy, physically and emotionally to force her kids to play the piano and violin not just well but excellently.  And I believe in excellence but I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay the price, namely a tense and cold family life where everyone is on eggshells.  Chua was.  It's all about priorities.

So the big question is did Chua raise daughters the way she did for their sake or for herself?  For a long time in the book, Chua had me convinced it was for the good of the girls but as the story progressed, I had to change my tune.  She kept manipulating and controlling even after she saw it was just no good for her second daughter.  Their success at piano and violin she felt was a direct reflection on how good of a mother she was.  Nowhere in there did she seem all that concerned about her daughters' well being.  Forget happiness for a moment.  What about health?  

Chua chalks it all up to being true to the Chinese model.  But the Chinese model exists because it is a different society.  A society where very few can make it--only the very best.  The only way parents can give their children a leg up in life is if they make them to be at the top no matter what.  A look at immigrant parents reveals that they were in a very risky and precarious situation where it was sink or swim.  So they had to work doggedly to make it.  Nobody was giving them a hand up.  The odds were stacked against them.  They simply translated that mind state and work ethic to raising their children.  It was necessary for survival and making it in a new land.  Chua has already made it here and admits to it. Her life is quite solidly middle class so it's not a survival issue here.  Had her daughters never been concert pianists or violinists, they still would have had an excellent chance of leading successful lives.  Plain and simple, it's an ego issue for Chua.  An ego trip (I have to point this out) that would not have even been possibly if Chua was not solidly upper middle class.  She was tossing out numbers for gowns and teachers and talking about family vacation and such . . . these are things that Chinese parents/newly immigrated parents would not be able to do.  They simply would hope that they would set it up so that if their grandchildren would like to, they could.  (But I understand Chua not wanting the grandchildren to jack up the upward progression with mediocrity and a lackadaisical attitude.) 

I get that children will want to give up when something gets challenging.  But, especially in raising Z1, I know that if I show a bit of disappointment when he is ready to give up, he will suck it up and try.  That is how important it is to him to please me.  And at 5 years old, it's very easy for me to manipulate this deep desire to get him to do things.  I mean, the things I want him to do I believe are for his own good but I don't know, I want to bring my children to do things not to please authority but for that things merit.  I think about trying to teach Z1 to count  money and how I kept hitting a wall.  A few months later, he got really interested because he wanted to start buying things.  Teaching money became really simple and he's really gotten the concept.  I know this probably won't apply to everything but I think it probably applies to the majority of things.  The problem is I am not patient enough to wait.  And I need to control these things too, so it can happen when I think it should not when it's the "right" time.

So I struggle with my own inner Tiger Mom.  Raising two Black boys in this world, I'm 100% sure I want them to excel academically and I definitely want them to master an instrument.  They don't have to become concert violinist or pianists but I want them to really excel at an instrument.  I know that part of that has to be talent but honestly, I believe you can make up for lack of talent with hard work.  And so I do push my kids to work hard.  I push them when they say they can't (and I know they can), I challenge them and I insist they can't give up.  I believe in them with my whole heart and so I push them. I do agree that it's challenging to know when to back off but I want to think that my common sense and my gut will tell me when I really need to let it go.   It's something I meditate on a lot.  I also realize that much of my drive and work-ethic is derived from my own parents Nigerian parenting which is similar in flavor and execution to Chinese parenting.  Mediocre never, ever cuts it.  

Anyway, I get the sense that Chua has  a lot of inner demons she's struggling with herself and so I can't be too critical. If children are your karma, or rather, a way to work out your karma, Chua did and is doing a hell of a job for better or worse.

Being a Mom versus Being You

I was inspired to write this post after reading this entry over at Navelgazing Bajan's blog.  Truth be told, I kind of find it annoying . . . the sentiment that being a merely a stay-at-home mom/homemaker might be enough for some women.  (But really, it's not enough, hence the term Mommy+).   I totally understand the need to be something, do something outside of being a mother but I like what Navelgazing said in this post: 

If there’s anything I learned from being unemployed, it’s that I like to be the primary determinant of where I spend my time. So, over the next year I’d like to find a way to earn a steady paycheck while spending my time in ways I find fulfilling, and that includes being my son’s primary caregiver.

This has been my focus, I realize, since the moment I found out I was pregnant and I have not yet found a way to do it.  Being a stay-at-home mom, while not my total ideal, seems to be what works best right now and I enjoy it and would be hard-pressed to change it.  [(And in my real life, I don't know any (voluntary) stay-at-home moms where this is not the case.)]  It's not that I don't miss adult conversations and being asked my opinion.  It's not that I don't miss interacting outside of the home.  It's not that I don't miss my freedom.  It's not that simple.  

But I'm not interested in arguing about that.  I completely understand the underlying sentiment: you were a person before you had children.  After children, it feels like mothering becomes your primary identifier no matter how vibrant a life you had before them.  The feeling is even more pronounced if you've chosen to be a stay-at-home mom because then you have to make a seriously concerted effort to maintain that part of you that was and always will be (albeit changed in some fundamental ways).  For some women, it is impossible and being a mother really does take over and sometimes becomes a choking kind of prison that they must find an escape from.  Hopefully, they find a safe and acceptable escape and/or regular break from mothering.  Other mothers find ways to cope and find a kind of balance somehow (usually by developing or becoming part of a supportive network--supportive of whatever it is that's a big part of her life be it web design or knitting or mothering itself) or finding work that's fulfilling both as a mother and as a human being.  

Personally, I recognize how important it is to maintain a sense of myself and not become consumed with mothering.  It is important so that I don't grow resentful and so that I don't lose myself because, let's face it, children grow up and move out and what is left is . . . you. But here's the complex part: getting married and having children at a young age didn't give me the opportunity to really get to know myself.  And learning who you are, who you aren't, what you like and what you hate in the midst of being a wife and a mother is tricky and frustrating to say the least.

I work hard to keep on doing the things I used to enjoy doing before children but it's surprising when I realize I don't enjoy those things as much as I did (or thought I did).  Actually, I realize I don't enjoy doing them in my current situation (i.e. with young children).  I used to love to read but I find it kind of infuriating having to stop every 5 minutes to referee a fight.  I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for them to grow up so I can do me again.  And yes, I've found new interests (such as weight lifting and meditation) but I have limited time (and energy) to focus on and develop those interests.  And truth be told, sometimes these new "interests" start to feel like chores given my constraints.  The question that keeps haunting me is, "Who were you before kids?" and the answer that comes back is, "I don't know" or "Nobody".  It leaves me with a lost kind of, grappling feeling.  Like trying to recover something you never even had.  I kind of envy women who can list all those things that they were and now, as mothers, are not.  At least, I reason, they have some kind of direction as to where they are trying to go or get back to.

That's just being real.  

Some folks might say, "Just go back to work full-time--you won't have time to focus on this stuff and you'll have a daily purpose and rhythm" and sometimes I think that would be a good solution.  It wouldn't fix anything fundamentally but at least we'd have more money [and theoretically maybe, I could plug up the emotional/spiritual holes with cool stuff like an IPad and a smart phone].  But I can honestly say that making more money means spending more money (I've got a long list of things in addition to the IPad and smart phone that I would buy if I had the money) and I can see how I could end up right back at this point but with a whole lot of extra stress [from an outside-the-home job] and stuff.  

Sometimes, I swear, it feels like such a luxury, such an untenable goal to live life on one's own terms.  But I am finding the determination to live all aspects of my life: mothering, crafting, writing, etc . . . just that way.  

Mother's Guilt

is never too far away.

An acquaintance of mine recently said: "There's no such thing as bad weather . . . only bad clothing".  And I've sort of come to agree.  I still despise the cold (after all, I'm an African and do far, far better in the heat) but I see that if one dresses properly, one can be comfortable in some pretty extreme weather.  

I made the decision to continue running through the winter and invested a grip on appropriate winter running gear.  When I go for a run in 20 degree weather, this is what I'm wearing:

Bottom

• wool socks 
• Underarmour base layer bottom
• fleece pants over that
• windbreaker pants

Top

• Underarmour base layer top
• fleece vest
• fleece windbreaking jacket
• windbreaker
• gaiter
• fleece hat underneath a wool hat

Hands

• silk liner gloves
• windbreaker running gloves
• fleece-lined wool mitts

And wouldn't you know it?  It works.  I'm comfortable throughout my run (although I do need to get something to protect my face--Vaseline can only do so much).  I've cut my runs down a bit.  Short runs are now 20 minutes and long runs only 40-45 minutes.  So I can be outside without asking myself what the hell I'm doing out there for about 45 minutes.  It's amazing.  I've always been the kind to hunker down once the thermometer drops--a real whimp about the cold and here I am.  

Anyway, it got me to thinking that if I can be outside for 45 minutes in freezing temperatures, so could my kids.  And heaven knows they need to get out.  All this pent up energy . . . they are just bouncing off the walls trapped inside the house because of the cold.  But they don't have appropriate winter gear--nothing made for being outside for longer than 10-15 minutes maximum.  And they should.

Uh-oh.  Whenever should comes into the conversation, guilt is soon to follow.

I started to feel terrible because I've plunked down all this money on clothes to make running in the cold possible but I really haven't invested any time or money into serious cold weather clothes for them.  Oh, they have all kinds of "warm" mittens and hats, jackets and sweaters made from polyester fleece.  It's warm.  It's good.  But it's not the best for the cold.  It's not as good as wool and other natural fibers.  That's what they should be wearing!

I've been planning to knit wool hats and gloves for my kids for a long time.  I have the patterns lined up and all.  I just haven't gotten around to it.  I checked the prices for wool long johns and socks online and it's not cheap.  I felt bad because I've spent so much on stuff for myself without buying warmer, higher quality stuff for them.  

Until I realized that I wouldn't even be considering taking my kids out to play in this kind of weather had I not challenged myself to continue running through winter.  I would never have thought it would be possible to have fun outside in the cold (even if we can't be out there for hours).  The whole re-structuring of my attitude towards the cold is a direct result of running.   Why should I feel guilty about buying the things that allow me to do this one thing that does so much for me?  So I dropped the guilt thing.

In a few weeks, I'll look into wool long johns and socks for them.  I'll slowly purchase yarn to make wool hats and mittens.  Meanwhile, they have wool sweaters I bought at the thrift store over the years, random wool hats that I've made over the years that they can wear under their fleece hats, and cotton waffle knit long johns that while not the greatest are okay.  So maybe we won't be able to be out for very long right now but at least it's a possibility in my mind.    

What next?

For the past two nights, Z2 has fallen asleep at night without nursing.  The first time, I thought it was because he was really tired since he hadn't taken a nap that day.  He just sort of passed out.  Last night, all I did was sing 2 or 3 rounds of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, and he was out like a light.  So, I think our nursing days are really winding down.  I'm ambivalent about it though.  On the one hand, I'm happy that I don't have to nurse him to sleep anymore.  I can't imagine there is any milk left but he still needed the comfort and, I don't know, it was cozy and sweet to nurse him to sleep most of the time.  Other times, I just wanted him to go to sleep already.  The other part of me knows that this means that the baby days are drawing to a close and I'm not quite ready for that to happen yet.  Especially since Z2 will most likely be my last baby, a fact that I have grudgingly accepted.  I know there's still a chance that we might have another one since no permanent steps have been taken, but the hubby is really adamant about it with no budging in sight.  And looking forward to taking those permanent steps.

So Z2's weaning, in conjunction with getting an extension to my teaching certificate for two years (I can't extend it again after this) also forces me to think about what I'm going to do next.  I believe Z1 and Z2 still need me around most of the time so I'm trying to think of what I could do that would allow me that flexibility:

• Go back to school for my Ph.D.?  Can I find a fellowship/scholarship?  I refuse to take out any more loans for education and really, a fellowship or scholarship is the only acceptable way for me to go this route.  I love teaching and just from teaching my crochet class in June, I know that I would really enjoy teaching adults.  Plus I could write academically.  I know being a professor would be a fulfilling experience and realized a few weeks ago that even when I wanted to be a doctor, I knew I didn't want to practice medicine forever: eventually, I wanted to teach doctors.  I wanted a Ph.D. after my M.D.  Interesting.   
• Sell my Subaru Outback wagon and get a bigger car (like a Toyota Sienna AWD) so I could babysit two or three children?  This would do two things: scratch my itch for more children and bring in some income.  I could definitely homeschool with this arrangement.  But just like I don't want an education debt, I don't want any debt from a car.  The Subaru is paid off and has lots of life yet.  How and where could I get a (relatively) new car without getting into debt?
• Focus on my writing and really push to get published.  This is an ultimate goal in my life.  Should I really just concentrate now?  Can I concentrate now with the kids so young?
• Go back to teaching children?  Now that I know so much more about how I would approach it, I am sure I would do better.  But teaching in a traditional school setting just doesn't afford me the flexibility I need.  But it's a wonderful career that I know could (potentially) be fulfilling. 

So it really feels like I'm at a crossroad (though I think I have about two more years or so before I can jump into any option--I need Z2 to be at least 4) . . . just because my breastfeeding relationship with Z2 is coming to a close.  I always tell people that breastfeeding is much more than providing nourishment for a baby.  There is nothing quite like looking down at the angelic face of your baby and knowing that you are the one providing sustenance.  Amazing.  But for me, there has been much more to it.  It's been a real test of character and perseverance.  I wouldn't be facetious if I ascribed some spiritual attributes to it as well.   The connection to Z1 and Z2 that I formed because of it . . . I can hardly describe.   The connection to other breastfeeding mothers . . . beautiful.  And now as my journey is ending, breastfeeding is what I will use to mark the beginning of a new chapter in my life . . . powerful

Full-time mom?

I have been very careful about not calling myself a full-time mom so as not to offend moms who work out of home.  After all, when a mother heads off to work for 8-10 hours daily she does not stop being a mom.  

But over the last few days, I have decided that I'm going to start calling myself a full-time mom.  I mean, this job that I'm doing is endless.  I don't have a quit time.  It's just what I do all the time.  Except when I'm sleeping (and that's not really true unless the boys stay peacefully asleep the whole night).  Or when I'm eking out a few moments in the morning to workout.  And if I were taking care of someone else's children, this would certainly be called a full-time job.  Plus overtime.  Plus extra days off just because of the high stress nature of the job (shrieking kids, fighting, poop). 

The past few days I've been feeling like going to work would be a welcome reprieve.  Now, the line of work I would be doing (teaching), I know, is not a break.  It is hard work that doesn't end at the end of the school day.  And I'm not quite sure what else I could do with my Master's degree in Childhood Education . . . or what else I would want to do with it.  And in this job market?   I know that on the flip side, being a work-out-of home has it's own challenges and frustrations.  I know . . . but I've been feeling pretty challenged and frustrated with this full-time/overtime gig these past few days.  (((sigh)))  I have been impatient.  Not compassionate.  Short.  Mean.  Annoying.  The whole nine.  I feel like I need a moment . . . no, some moments.  And I know that's not realistic so it just keeps grinding on.  

Hopefully in a few days, I'll feel a shift.  Gain some perspective or something.  Right now, it's just . . . what it is. 

Not a real day off.

I was kind of excited because this would be the first Saturday I wouldn't have to go to work since mid-December.  Unfortunately the hubby didn't have this weekend off and somehow I ended up taking Z1 to his basketball class (along with Z2) while he did yardwork.  We went to the thrift store after basketball and I found a set of books that I wanted to make sure wasn't the set we already had.  So I called the hubby who wouldn't pick up the phone (neither cell phone or house phone).  Him not picking up the phone is a huge pet peeve of mine and I have to say I was quite annoyed.  I finally figured out on my own that it wasn't the set I already had (and I got if for $1.99) so that was cool.

It's been a rough day, I have to say.  It has included endless sibling bickering, thrown and missing puzzle pieces, and addition flash cards scattered all over the floor.  So I feel like I have not had a break this week.  But at least I got to practice yoga outside.  It's the first time I've done that and it was really nice.  I was a tad bit worried about the neighbors gawking and wondering what weirdness I was doing but it was all good.

Anyway, I'm realizing how much a relief those few hours a week away from my babies is.  It really is a bonus that I get paid to be away. 

Photo Credit:  "Puzzling" by jhritz on Flickr.com