Yesterday was my 30th birthday.  It was a nice day despite the fact that it was rainy all day.  I appreciated all the birthday wishes and I just appreciated making it to 30 at all!  

The day started out nicely with our Solstice celebration although I don't think the kids were thrilled with the gifts they got.  I wasn't sure what to get them (or if to get them gifts at all)... they have so many toys that are just sitting there and that they don't play with that I didn't want to buy more.  We just don't have the space.  So I gave elder son a Snap Circuits Set and a Magnetic Poetry Kids set. And I gave younger son his own Leapster system and Magnetic Poetry Really Big words.   I won't say it didn't hurt my feelings how non-enthused they were.  But literally, they have a whole bin full of toys and the bin can go untouched for weeks at a time.  So I think I did the right thing in terms of buying educational type stuff and another Leapster (which will cut down on the fighting between them).  I have to admit: it's pretty frustrating trying to unplug from materialism and commercialism--it is all around.  I haven't done gifts for the boys before and so this holiday was about trying to redefine it for myself.  Feeling let down at how the gifts were received makes me wonder if I should make gift giving part of the experience at all.  

And then my friend made me a flourless chocolate cake which was delicious.  She put fresh whipped cream on top and it tasted divine.  But today, my tummy is not doing so hot . . . I'm pretty sure sugar is a no-no for me.  (((sigh))) But I really enjoyed eating it and I appreciated the thoughtfulness even more.  When you are paleo/gluten-free, you don't expect folks to make considerations for you so it felt amazing to be considered.  Next month, I am going to go sugar-free again (no honey, no maple syrup or stevia).  

The hubby also took off so I took the time to go to an introductory meeting for Transcendental Meditation.  It took 40 mins. one way to get there.  The meeting was about 1 1/2 hours.  It will require a significant financial investment to learn the technique ($1,500) and also a significant time investment (1 1/2- 2 hours 4 days in a row).  I would basically need to find someone to watch my kids for a 4 hour block of time for 4 days straight (which costs money), drive for almost two hours (which costs gas and I hate driving) and then on top of all that pay $1.5K.  So I don't know.  I'm interested in it because I need an effective and easy to implement meditation technique for stress reduction but thinking of all I need to do to even learn it is pretty stressful so it kind of defeats the purpose, wouldn't you say?

Yesterday's workout was the Bubble Butt Workout from Body Rock TV but I substituted step-ups the v-ups (no jackknife movements with a diastasis).  Time was 18:35.  Not bad.  Today, I am totally not in the mood to workout plus Z2 is awake.  We found a deer tick in his ear on Tuesday and I'm watching him closely and hoping he doesn't develop a fever or start to act weird.  Being up this early is weird but he is being himself so that's a good thing.  

What? No peanuts?

As you can probably imagine, it's been rather challenging making the transition to a paleo diet when the hubby is a strict vegetarian.  

Today, the hubby asked why we didn't have have peanuts. Apparently, he really likes peanuts.  I've been buying other kinds of nuts like walnuts and macadamia nuts instead of peanuts because a) those are true nuts and b) they have a better ratio of Omega 6 to Omega 3 fats.  I've also been buying cashews which in my mind are pretty similar to peanuts.  At Trader Joe's where I do most of my grocery shopping, I cannot find dry-roasted peanuts (all the peanuts on sale there are roasted in some kind of vegetable oil) but they do have these other nuts either raw or dry-roasted.  So instead of making one more stop on grocery shopping day, I've just been getting other nuts.  I had no idea that the hubby was missing the peanuts so much. 

Well, he got very upset today and feels like I'm hitting him over the head with this paleo stuff.  He just wants to have his peanuts and wheat and mock meats in peace.  I'll give him the peanuts.  I'll even give him the wheat (bought 5 pounds of unbleached white flour two weeks ago, still make pancakes with it on Sundays, and I buy him loaves of sprouted wheat bread).  The mock meats are and have been a sticking point even when I was vegan.  They are heavily processed and high in salt and other additives.  We were steadily moving away from them--or so I thought.  I guess I was driving that too.  He is perfectly happy to have them as a part of his diet.  

The hubby says he feels like he cannot give his children food the way he wants to.  He's says he's always anxious about whether they can have what's on his plate.  At this point, I got annoyed because I prepare most of the children's meals.  The only day he's really responsible for what they eat is Saturdays when I work and I'm not home.  Nothing's stopping him from giving them gobs of wheat and mock meat . . . what can I do about that from work?  I get that he's trying to respect what I'm doing with the children and he doesn't want to sabotage my efforts.  I honestly appreciate that because I have heard stories . . .   I think, though, that it's more of an issue of who spends more time with the kids. And I do.  So they do what I do.  But when they're with him, I'm not going to freak out if they have some cereal or some lentils or something but we've already observed that Z2 gets a seriously bloated and painful belly after eating wheat . . . I should think my insistence on keeping the kids (at least) wheat-free would be shared.  But alas . . . 

I'll admit, I'm not easy.  I really believe that certain things he's eating are just not healthy by anyone's standards.  But I'm still buying it and cooking it.  I guess I could try harder to keep my disapproval to myself.  But what's annoying to me is that he won't acknowledge his disapproval of my diet . . . he's acting like he's totally okay with it but it's obvious he's not. He thinks it's too extreme and has said so on different occasions.  It's also expensive, which I know is a huge sticking point.  I'm trying my best to stick to organic, grass-fed meats and dairy (although not all the meats can be organic and grass-fed).  No matter how I slice it, I'm spending more on food now than I did when I was a vegetarian or even a pescetarian.  And I know it's hard on him as he is the main breadwinner in the household. I won't lie though: I get defensive because I feel blamed for not being able to tolerate a vegetarian diet.  I feel blamed for "changing up the game".  But best believe that if I had felt all the fabulous effects I was hoping to feel when I made the switch to veganism, I would still be vegan.  I made the switch to paleo out of necessity!  I had to try something radically different.

These are the kinks you have to work out when a married couple eats two distinct ways. These are the kinks you have to work out as a married couple whose members are still growing, changing and learning as individuals.  I don't know that any compromises can be made except that we just both learn to keep our commentary to ourselves--keep our mouths shut and let the other person do him/her.  And maybe buy our own groceries and cook our own meals.  ;-)  

Photo Credit

Z1 is almost 6 years old and really likes audiobooks and music.  I'd been burning CDs for him and letting him use my portable CD player in the car.  Then, "somehow", the player got broken.  (I think Z1 got curious as to it's mechanism--he admitted to touching the lens despite or maybe because of the warning that said "DO NOT TOUCH" lens.  I should have known when he asked me what the lens was--I think I walked right into that one).  I was a bit upset.  I'd had the CD player for a long time and I was thrilled that it had lasted.  Plus, it was great that  Z1 could listen to his stuff and I could listen to mine.  Anyway, I wasn't willing to sacrifice listening to my music in the car so I decided to finally get a new 8GB Ipod for myself and hand down my 2nd Generation 4GB Ipod to Z1.  

It worked out fabulously!  He's got all his music and all his audiobooks on one compact device.  No more fiddling with CDs and CD books.  Good stuff!  Another perk?  He gets to work on alphabetical order each and every time he wants to find something.  We work on alphabetizing in a formal way as part of his spelling curriculum but it's nice to have a real-life application that he uses daily.  

I wish we had switched to the Ipod sooner . . . I may still have had my CD player.  But whatever . . . technology moves on and it's awesome to see sometimes how it simplifies life instead of making it more complicated.  

It needs to be fun for all of us!

Where I live, folks really seem to feel very positively about children's museums.  I can't seem to find the love for them.  I can see how they come in handy during the cold winter months but as soon as the weather improves, I see them as pretty much pointless.  But it feels like heresy to say it--to point out that children's museums are really nothing more than glorified play spaces.  And yes, children do learn by playing and I get that this is the premise of children's museums.  But still . . . 

Now, some children's museums are better than others.  I've visited three so far: the Manhattan Children's Museum, the Brooklyn Children's Museum and Stepping Stones in Connecticut.  I find Stepping Stones to be the best and that is really for one reason alone: the resource room.  It's a room filled with all kinds of interesting puzzles, a variety of building toys, and books galore.  Kids can borrow an Ipad for 15 minutes at a time. It's just a cozy, cool out kind of place.  

Stepping Stones Children's Museum

Z1 is almost 6 years old and is rapidly outgrowing the whole children's museum thing.  When he goes to Stepping Stones, he spends a lot of time playing in the water area and the media room (where there's a projection-on-the-floor game) then mostly bypasses all the other areas.  Z2 really likes the water area and gets himself completely soaked.  I spend a great deal of time keeping him from actually getting in the water.  He is my more "active" son and really just wants to run around so when he's done with the water, that's what he does.  Every once in a while, some other activity grabs his attention but mainly, he wants to run around.  And go back to play in the water.  Which, in the summer, we can do better and for free at a playground. 

It takes us about 40 minutes to get to Stepping Stones.  Last time we went, we ended up in 2 hours of traffic on the way home.  I hate to drive. And I hate driving in traffic even more.  But I would suck it up, I would, traffic and all, if I could at least say that I personally derive some enjoyment from going to the children's museum.  The kids like it well enough but I have a hard time getting up enthusiasm to drive to the children's museum when we could just hang out a playground or go on a hike or go to a real museum.  It is just not an intellectually stimulating place for me.  And after you do it once or twice, it actually ends up being disappointing and straight up boring.  Last time I went, I wished I had brought my knitting or a magazine or something.  I kept chiding myself for not getting up and playing with Z1 and Z2 . . . that maybe if I started playing with stuff I'd start finding it fun.  The first time I went, I did find it to be fun--especially the water room.  But the next time, it was ridiculously crowded--we could hardly move without tripping over people (and I don't like crowds at all) and I was totally over it.  I just wanted to sit there and do something fun for me since they were having fun.  

I think what is really annoying to me is the fact that it's called a children's museum.  When I think museum, I think excellent exhibits put together to make you think or to grow your awareness and increase your knowledge.  I can't say for certain what my kids learn at the children's museum.  I can't say that the activities necessarily drive home or really demonstrate the information on the placards.  In the water room, the placards talk about generating power with water but I don't think the exhibit does a good job of showing how--of connecting the pieces.  I guess it's just too basic--I didn't leave with a good sense of how water = power and this is the second time I've seen the exhibit.  I think a more appropriate name for children's museums might be "learning play spaces".  

I love going to science museums (especially Liberty Science Center) and I also enjoy museums such as The Transit Museum.  At a museum like The Transit Museum, there will be some information that is over my kids' heads.  But guess what?  I learn something.  I am stimulated.  I grow.  The Transit Museum is perhaps the most perfect example of a museum that caters to both adults and children--there are plenty of things to touch and play with yet there's plenty of wonderful, historical information.  It is a trip for all of us and not just for the kids and, to be honest, if I am going to put in that amount of effort to go to a museum, I just feel happier to do it if we can all get something out of it.    I want us all to have fun.  It's simply not enough for me to watch them having fun.  

One of my good-hearted friends bought us a membership to Stepping Stones after the first time we visited and I feel rather badlythat I don't love the place more.  I ended up upgrading the membership so we could get reciprocal free admission to the Hall of Science (because that's a museum to which I really like to go).  But I'll make good use of the membership to Stepping Stones--and go on days when someone else can help with the driving.  I can see it coming in useful on rainy days when school is back in session and most kids are in school all day--there won't be as many crowds.  But on a beautiful, warm sunny day, I don't see myself ever choosing the children's museum over the pool or a challenging trail.  

No, I'm not one of those mothers who ignores her own need for fun for the sake of her children having a good time.  Maybe the folks who rave about the children's museum genuinely enjoy it.  I don't.  And 98% of the time, we will need to come up with an activity that we all can enjoy.  Which is why I went out and bought 2 hula hoops.  I might not really like to (or understand how to) play this Pokemon game Z1 got a yard sale the other day but I like to hula hoop and I am happy to do that together with them.  

A bit of a dilemma

My children do not like to eat very many things.  They don't like tofu.  They don't like any bean or any dish that a bean is in.  Z1 will tolerate burritos or tacos made with black beans but not Z2.  They both will tolerate split pea soup but not without some serious cajoling.  It seems all they want to eat are fish sticks, broccoli, pizza, grilled cheese, or macaroni and cheese, and yogurt (but Z1 not so much).  It drives me crazy because I think they eat too much cheese but it's what they like.  And granted, the cheese I give them comes from grass-fed cows and all that but still . . . 

So I don't know.  I'm feeling totally better after switching back to an all-out omnivorous diet.  I have not given the kids any chicken, turkey or beef.  My idea was that they could decide later on if they wanted to eat those things.  But I don't know now.  They're growing fine and are hitting all their milestones.  I'd say they are well-nourished but I worry and I wonder would they be more willing to eat things like grilled or stir-fried chicken or turkey burgers as opposed to grilled or stir-fried tofu and veggie burgers.  

I'm writing this after another failed attempt at dinner.  Tried a new dish in hopes that they'd like it:  it's a peanut sweet potato stew with kidney beans from Vegan Planet.  I tasted just a little and I think it's delicious especially with rice.  Initially, I was going to make sweet and spicy chili from the same cookbook but I already knew it would be a fail.

Photo credit

The Leapster

For Z1's fifth birthday, we bought him a Leapster (which comes pre-loaded with games), two games and a case.  After about a month of pretty consistent play, Z1 seemed to have lost interest altogether in the game.  So I went on Ebay to scout some new, more advanced games figuring that he had already mastered the games that he had.  I bought two new games and that seemed to do the trick: Z1 was interested in the game system again.  That lasted about one week and then he started to ignore the game again.

I know already that in terms of learning style, Z1 is a dabbler.  That means that he likes to do a little of this and a little of that.  At times, however, he will find something he really likes and work on it tirelessly.  This was how he was with puzzles for a very long time.  Of course, I went out of my way to get him a wide array of puzzles and now we have a ridiculous collection.  Which he never touches. (Luckily, Z2 is into puzzles now.)   

Z1's learning style is very similar to the hubby's style:  the hubby knows a lot about and is competent in many things.  Recently, he picked up the harmonica and just with books and YouTube, has really taught himself a lot.  Learning the harmonica inspired him to pick up the kette drum again (he had just dabbled with it before) and now, he plays wonderfully.  I mean, it's really awesome to hear him play.  So I'm not really worried about Z1's learning style even though it's almost completely opposite of the way I approach things.  (I normally don't attempt things that I'm not sure I can be reasonably proficient at and then I focus on mastering that thing but these days, I'm trying to be more open and willing to take risks when it comes to learning).

Anyway, I got to wondering whether the issue with the Leapster is a learning style thing or is it a technology thing?  Z1 can play games on the computer for hours if you let him. He constantly asks me to extend his daily one-hour time limit.  He loves to watch my nephews play games on the Playstation.  And he covets his neighbor friends PSP.  So maybe the Leapster is just not as slick visually as these other systems?  Maybe the games are not as modern?  Is it like playing Atari when everyone has moved on to Nintendo?  

I will admit that I'm not in any way a game person.  I never had a game system and the only game I was really ever able to get into and play well is Tetris.  I prefer pen and paper word games.  Sometimes I like puzzles like tangrams.  Mainly I like to write and read.  So I'm having a difficult time figuring out what the problem is because I would like him to use what we bought for him.  At the same time, if it is really that the Leapster is just not as "fresh" as other games out there, I'm not ready to get him a different handheld gaming system. I watch the kids at his swimming class glued to those things.  It's what they do.  I feel like it's just one more distraction to add to the long list of distractions.  One more way to disconnect from the rest of the world.

I feel a bit sensitive about the issue already.  People texting when they very well could have called.  Staring at their phone, looking very busy, as a way to avoid social (polite) interaction at the playground or at a baby shower for that matter.  In a world that I feel is growing more and more difficult, it's pretty obvious to me at least, that we need each other, we need strong communities if we are to survive this economic climate.  Yet, it seems that at this time, there are just more and more things pulling us apart.  We're so "busy" all the time that we hardly have time to be with each other.

So pardon me if I'm not running to get the latest techno gadget for Z1.  I'm not ready yet to have him plugged in all the time although I do wish that spending my money on the Leapster didn't feel like such a waste.  I know that I can place limits on the times he can play with these things just like he's limited on the computer but . . . it really is a struggle to get him off once he's on.  He's human after all and how many adults complain about how hard it is to get away from their Blackberry or laptop long enough to have a real dinner?  Technology is addictive that way and I just think that he's too young right now and I'm not ready.  So it's the Leapster or, as it seems he has chosen, nothing for now.  

When the other partner says no.

I was participating in a thread about wanting more children when your partner doesn't and what to do about it:  a) accept it  b) try to convince him/her or c) get pregnant accidentally on purpose.  I think I've mentioned before on this blog that I think the best way to go about it is to accept it.  You could go the convincing route but really, I would never want to bring a child into this world if I had to convince someone.  I want every child I bear to be completely wanted.  That doesn't mean you don't talk about it with your partner and try to sort out why he/she is anti-having more kids.  But at the end of the day, you have to realize his/her reasons for not wanting more are just as valid as yours are for wanting more.  

But some people on the thread said they'd really go the distance with trying to convince.  (And I get that feeling too except that my partner's reason for not wanting more children actually make perfect sense to me and I actually agree--but still want more.  Darn biology.  Go figure.)  Some folks just couldn't understand how one partner could be so bent on trying to convince the other partner to have another child and this was my response in way of explanation:

The way I describe it is in terms of running. I set out to do 5 miles. I get to 4 miles and I stop. Not because I want to. Not because I don't have it in me. But because the person I'm running with has had enough. It's great that I've done the 4 miles. Four miles is nothing to sneeze at. And I certainly don't want to force my running partner to keep going if he's completely exhausted or can't handle it for some other reason. But I would have felt, I don't know, complete if I could have finished the last mile. So it's about getting to a place where you are okay with not feeling complete. You can be very happy with what you have but not feel complete or rounded out.

At this point in the game, I feel like we've run our 4 miles.  I've taken off my running shoes.  Ready to get in the shower and move on with the rest of my day.   I've given away tons of baby stuff.  Weaned Z2.  Gotten him to sleep in his own bed (mainly).  We're moving out of this baby phase for sure.

I'm not mad at the hubby at all.  Just, it is what it is.  Cool beans.  And so, I'm slowly making the shift to really embracing our 4 person family.  And that is truly opening me up to enjoying and fully experiencing my current family instead of longing for something else.  In other words, I'm able to appreciate the four mile run for what it is and not the five mile run it could have been.  Huge difference.  And hopefully, in time, I'll come to view the 4-mile run as the perfect run for me--not an unfinished one.   

Photo Credit

When Parents Pursue Passion

Sometimes, the children really suffer.

I discovered this episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition, a show I never watch, and was drawn into it by the beautiful display of natural hair and happiness.  Every member of the family looked genuinely joyful and healthy.

I simply couldn't believe the condition of the house.  There was an older man who commented that the house didn't reflect the family and I really had to cosign.  The place really looked like it ought to have been condemned!

At first, I was happy that a family who had been giving so much to others would get this wonderful opportunity of having a new house built for them.

But as I kept thinking about it, boy, I started to get a little upset.

I grew up with parents who, like this couple, were committed to their calling.  They felt that had a purpose and really poured their energy, time and money into it.  My parents sacrificed a lot to do what they felt they were called to do.  And you know what?  Their children really went through a lot of nonsense because of it.

While to my parents credit, we never went hungry, we found ourselves growing up in a pretty rough neighborhood with poor schools in a house that was always in need of repair or simple maintenance.  We watched as other people on the block, all owners of these newly built houses, added on and did things to keep their houses up.  Meanwhile at our house, something was always broken or just not replaced--looking run-down and neglected.  And while it never got to the extent of the house featured in this episode, it still left us knowing that our parents' priority was not our house.  The place where we called home.  It left us with the sinking suspicion that our parents' priority was not us.

See, now that I own a house and a very old house at that, I realize that it's expensive to maintain a house.  I mean, it's expensive to do the things to keep it running like keeping the water and heat on.  But there's other aspects of maintenance too that can get pricey.  But I've also realized that with just the littlest of know-how, sweat, and a trip to Home Depot, you can do the basic things to keep up a house.  Paint.  Change exposed plumbing.  Replace broken/missing tiles.  Find ways to keep vermin out.  I get it:  not everyone is handy but it seems to me that if they money is not there to pay people to do it, it's time to get resourceful and figure out how to do it yourself.  It might not look professional but I really believe a little bit of effort at it, goes a long way.  I believe in things functioning more so than things looking good.  (Although things that function and look good is a very pleasant thing indeed.)  Another way to go about it is to earmark small amounts of money yearly (like half of your tax return) to get one major project completed every one to two years.  That is, to me, the responsibility of owning a house.  If you're unwilling or unable to take it on, rent.

So it kind of upset me.  I got upset for those 5 lovely girls.  These girls clearly deserved that beautiful house that was built for them.  But will their parents keep it up?  I certainly, certainly hope so.

As parents, we have a right to pursue our passions and work at our callings.  But I don't think we have complete freedom to do that.  We really have to think about how it affects our children.  And sometimes we have to go about things in a different way to make sure that our children are living in a safe and healthy physical and emotional environment.  Clearly, the girls in this family are happy and healthy emotionally--despite what the house looked like and for that, I am willing to give the parents a great deal of credit for that.  Many families with pristine, newly built houses complete with all the amenities cannot afford their children a safe and healthy emotional environment.  It goes to show that you don't need a lot to be happy and I'm proud of the way these parents have fostered a sense of contentment in their children.

I'm overjoyed that this way overdue makeover took place and I hope that with some of the publicity, more money and resources will flow into this family so that the parents can continue to follow their passion of helping couples while maintaining that beautiful house for their children.

Love or Understanding?

This very interesting question came up on one of my message boards:  

What's more important to you: to be loved or to be understood?

I really had to think about it.  

I think that you can love a person deeply and genuinely but not totally understand him/her.  I think this this because it's difficult to even understand yourself. As you get older, if you work on it, you do really get a better understanding of yourself, i.e. who/what you are becomes clearer to you.   But it may take many lifetimes, in my opinion to really totally understand yourself.  

Yet, I know that my sister, my best friend and my hubby, the folks who are closest to me, all really love me despite the fact that they don't understand every aspect of me.  I know for sure that I'm an anomaly to my parents, yet I believe they love me.  

Here's the thing though: they all know me very well even if they don't completely understand.  

But is knowing the same things as understanding?  Not necessarily.  Like learning your times tables or how to find the area of a triangle in grade school.  You can know these by heart, know them very well but it is not until you get into advanced mathematics and science, much later on,  when you really manipulate and work with these formulas and theorems that you can claim to really understand what's going on. It's one of the main reasons I want to homeschool:  I did very well in school because I knew a lot of stuff; I could retain huge amounts of information and could often apply it  But I didn't always fully understand it.  That became obvious when I started college. 

So I do think there can be deep, genuine and abiding love without complete understanding if there is a high level of knowledge.  As healthy relationships mature, though, you get to  really know the other person better and I think understanding begins and then deepens. 

But I also think it's wonderful when the understanding does begin to happen.  I think that is what makes for longevity in a marriage or any other intimate relationship that we maintain by choice.  No one wants to be in situation where whatever he/she does elicits a raised eyebrow from his/her partner.  That's just exhausting.  It's equally exhilarating--thrilling even--when you meet someone who really seems to "get you".  But if a relationship like this progresses to romantic love though (as I've experienced before), the person can sometimes start to act like they've got a handle on you better than you've got a handle on yourself.  Which is annoying, to say the least.

Anyway, the question got me thinking about soul mates again--how if two people were truly soul mates, if such a thing exists, that there would be this profound understanding between the two of them precisely because they are matched in such a mystical way. 

So is love that is not based on understanding superficial?  Is it not real?  Personally, I don't think so. if the love is based on genuinely knowing the person. I am totally and completely convinced that those closest to me love me because they know me.  The show love in the most wonderful of ways.  And I cannot conceive of the devastation that they would feel if they lost me or if I lost them.

And here's the kicker for me: unequivocally I love my children.  There are times that it really hits me that I don't really understand why they are a certain way; why they are behaving a certain way.  But I love them anyway because of who they are to me.  What they mean to me.  

So I guess I conclude that being loved is more important to me than being understood.  But I will add a disclaimer and say that the latter is also important as we need to be understood by at least someone so we don't feel (or go) crazy.  And I think it's a noble effort to continually work to understand those you love.  I think that demonstrates love in deeply profound way.

Anyway, I thought of this song while I was writing this.  It's called Perfect Love and Understanding by one of my favorite roots reggae groups, Israel Vibration.

The Shaky Tooth

Yesterday, Z1 showed me that one of his bottom teeth is shaky.  He's super excited about it and is telling anyone and everyone who will hear that he's about to lose his first tooth.  He is looking forward to the "tooth fairy" (who he knows is us, his parents) leaving him something in place of his lost tooth.  

I've been dreading the day my kids started to lose their teeth.  I'm a little vain in that I worry about the crazy, snaggedly way kids teeth look when they start growing back in--great big adult teeth (growing every which way sometimes) mixed in with tiny baby teeth.  But more so, I worry about it because of my experience.  I had really great teeth up until I started to lose them and they began to come back in.  There were multiple excruciating tooth extractions and other painful tooth processes (trying to move teeth that had grown too close to each other).  And for a long time, my teeth looked straight up crazy.   I refused to smile to wide. They eventually straightened out to a decent degree (without braces) but I still have some crowding in some areas about which I remain self-conscious.

I'm hoping that since my kids eat a vastly different diet than I did, one rich in whole grains and low in simple sugars, they will have better luck in the dental department.  I'm still nervous though.  One thing is for sure: if they need braces, they will get braces.  I know my parents probably didn't have the money for them so I don't blame them necessarily.  But they both have perfectly straight, white teeth naturally.  And my mom is good for saying, "All my children had nice teeth when they were little" . . .  not so much now, I suppose.  But whatever, if I have to do a payment plan or something, I'll do it to make sure my kids won't have to worry about jacked up teeth (in addition to the myriad of other things they'll have to worry about in the future).

Respect Each Others Paths

You know, against my better judgment, I post my two cents to certain threads on message boards from time to time.  Even though I do it much much less than I used to, I still can find myself emotionally entangled by these "discussions".  Luckily, I'm wise enough now to know that I should quit early and I do.  Luckily, I have this blog to lay out my thoughts and get it all out.  Hopefully, I will learn that I shouldn't get involved in the first place because I really don't have the extra energy to spare.

Anyway, one such thread I posted to was about the fact that in regards to finances, it's more difficult to be single.  My comment was that while I'm happily married, I can't help but feel a little anxiety at the thought of being completely on my own financially.  I've never had the experience of living completely on my own having left from my parents house right to my husbands house.  It would be a real learning curve but I know within myself that I am resourceful and smart and that I could get on my own two feet.  Some folks responded to my comments as if I would stay in a horrible relationship because of what would, in my opinion, be normal anxiety at a complete change of lifestyle.  Others simply stated that they would advise all women to live completely on their own before marriage.  This was the comment that got under my skin.  There's nothing quite like someone implying that the decision you made for you life was wrong, or worse, stupid.  What happened to respecting other folk's paths and decisions?  Of course, I've wondered at times what life would have been like had I rejected the hubby's proposal and remained single . . . would I be amongst the statistics of women who are simply not getting married these days?  Maybe.  But that's really not the main point:  there is not one path for everyone and not more than one generation ago, it was the norm for people to move out of their parents home into their marital home.  Furthermore, as I have discovered, having married at a young age directly from my parents home, I have learned quite a lot--things that I see my unmarried or newly married peers are yet to grasp and may not ever grasp such as learning how to keep your mouth shut sometimes or letting your husband take the helm (not relinquishing your own power but acknowledging that things work better if one person is steering the ship and knowing the differences) or realizing that certain things you may think your husband can give you, he cannot and you're wasting your time looking to him for those things.  How was that for a run-on sentence? It's been interesting growing up within a marriage and I'm blessed to be with a man who really gives me the space to change, grow and be me.  At this point, I am firm in saying that if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the exact same way.  As it stands now, I'm done having children and by the time my children are fully grown, I will still be relatively young, which is awesome.  But even though it has been a positive experience for me, I wouldn't advise all women to get married at a young age out of their parents house.  I would say to listen to your gut (intuition) and make a decision that's best for you. 

Another thread about finances discussed the fact that some women feel the need to have a secret stash of money just in case.  My opinion is that unless there is some kind of abuse or gross mismanagement of funds, this is not necessary.  But I can respect that a woman may have that need inside her to keep something for herself, completely away from her husband especially if she has seen things go horribly wrong in her mother's relationship to her father.  I don't have that need.  I kept my own personal (pre-marriage) account until I couldn't anymore because I didn't have consistent income coming in and they were charging me to keep the account open.  I closed it and for a number of years, we just had one joint account.  During that time, I was able to develop a deep and abiding trust and confidence in my husband, which is priceless.  However, when I started my job, I got my own account in my name alone.  It certainly feels nice and is a huge boost to my self-esteem to have my own money yet I wouldn't say this is something every women must go out and do.   I (foolishly) shared my experience on this thread and the response was (and I'm paraphrasing), "You idiot! Don't you know that anything you open after marriage, your husband has access too?" Well, obviously!  Anything you do while married is potentially something your spouse could lay claim to.  That goes both ways.  So because you're married, now what? Don't invest? Don't open any accounts? Don't do anything for fear that your husband may one day go insane and try to take all your stuff?  I totally don't get it!  It kind of flowed along the same lines as the other discussion, i.e. it's best to be on your own completely before marriage and then to keep all your own stuff after.  Now, don't get me wrong:  I see nothing wrong with that approach but I also can acknowledge that other ways of going about things could work well too. 

Anyway, this post is more of a venting post that anything else.   I'm fascinated (and sometimes saddened) by all the different ways people approach this often challenging thing called marriage.  To each his or her own, I say.  It's a reminder to me that it doesn't feel good when someone decides how they did it was the best way to do it and is how everyone should do it and those who don't do it that way are  misguided, living in a dream world, stupid or just plain wrong.  It reminds me to respect the path and decisions of others--even if I don't necessarily agree.  And to stay the hell away from these threads.  LoL!

Prioritizing Priorities

You know that stress that's not upfront and center?  The kind that's just kind of always humming in the background no matter what you're doing?   There's the obvious stresses that go along with taking care of two kids and a husband and myself and financial stresses.   I don't want to minimize that . But there's this other, more insidious kind of stress that saps whatever little energy I have left after everything is done.  This stress is kind of sneaky and you really have to focus on it if you want to alleviate it.

 

The most apparent background stress that was getting to me was Z1's homeschooling.  I felt like I wasn't getting enough done with him daily.  At least not as much as I felt he should be doing.  So I posed the question to a homeschooling board I'm on and from the responses, I realized that I had not been prioritizing his homseschooling.  Now, I knew it was pretty important to me but I had to ask myself what was more important.  The question was promptly answered:  getting the boys out to activities, playdates, and the like.  They're young and Z1 is still pre-school age so technically there was nothing wrong with that but I had two conflicting things going on.  I wanted to get school work done but I also wanted them to have a lot of play and be around other kids.  Something had to give.  I had to relax on something.  I decided to relax on the schooling.  It is still a priority to me but I've realized that I have to prioritize my priorities.  Perhaps in a few more months I can come back and re-evaluate.  I most likely will do that the closer he gets towards first grade.  But I still had the stress of feeling like I was not doing enough with him humming in the background so I committed to doing something academic with him daily either before or after mealtimes as I'm able.  It doesn't have to be grand.  It can be simple.  A review.  Anything.  I've been doing it for a week or so now and so far, so good.

I thought about the other humming stresses in my life.  Waking up at the crack of dawn to journal and chant and exercise.  I realized, being the driven person that I am, that I had been background stressing myself to increase the length of time I chanted.  Going to Buddhist meetings and stuff, you hear folks talking about how they chant for 20, 30, 40 or even 60 minutes.  Not to be outdone, I was giving it my all.  But I was burning out--dragging myself out of bed, distracted while chanting anyway.  So I decided to prioritize my priorities when it comes to my morning "me time".  Right now, fitness is extremely important to me.  Chanting and journaling is too but to a lesser extent.  Perhaps in a few months, that might change.  So I committed to going back to my 5, 5, 5.  Journal for 5 minutes.  Read for 5 minutes.  Chant for 5 minutes.  Fifteen minutes altogether which leaves me ample time to get my long ass P90x + cardio that I have to add in on top of all that workout in.  I don't have to put on two episodes of Blues Clues to get through my workout (and deal with the accompanying stress and guilt of my boys watching too much TV) and I don't have to throw my whole morning schedule off trying to fit it all in.  This helps me tremendously as I then have time to do some school work with Z1 in a more relaxed way.  I've been doing that for a few days now and so far so good.  

Another humming stress is keeping the house clean.  I have this schedule that I try to keep but it is often impossible to keep.  The failure to keep up with the schedule hums loudly in the background.  I had to prioritize my priorities again.  It is a priority of mine to keep the house neat.  It helps me function better physically and mentally.  But getting meals together and doing laundry seems to be a higher priority right now.  As long as things are not gross (I've developed the habit of spot cleaning more than full-out, top-to-bottom cleaning), I have to deal with some untidiness.  Perhaps in a few months years, that might change but I've been doing it this way for a week or so now and so far so good.

So I've identified here three humming stresses that have been weighing me down.  There are others like wanting to write more consistently and get published, doing more with my blog, reading more, knitting and crocheting more.  Basically these are all the things I want or need to do that vie for the limited time I have.  And I figured out the key to alleviating those stresses was to organize them in terms of what is most important to me at this moment: prioritizing my priorities.  It goes without saying that you have to take a long hard look at what takes up most of the time in your day.  These are priorities whether you want to believe it or not and you have to decide if you actually want those things to be priorities.  For example, I used to spend a good clip of time reading blogs and being on message boards.  I really enjoy that.  But the time it was eating was just too much.  It was an unwanted, unconscious priority (not that I didn't want to be doing it but I didn't want it as a priority).     But at this point, I'd rather other things be priorities.  So in the interest of not depriving myself, I have maybe four or five favorite blogs (shout out Keep It Trill and BlackGirlinMaine) that I always take ten minutes or so to check and I have a whole host of posts starred. I hate to go to my reader and see that folks have updated their blogs 10 times already but I had to let it fall to the wayside a bit--at least until the dynamics in my life change.  I rarely post or read message boards except the ones I moderate. 

I accept that I don't have unlimited time or energy.  It is what it is, really.  As the kids get older and can help out more, it'll free up more time.  Then I hope to be able to fit more in so that my life looks more like what I'd want it to look like ideally. 

Picture Credit:  http://www.marvinhimel.com/blog/tag/priorities/

Go Fly a Kite!

Today I did something for the first time.  I flew a kite.  And it was just one of those simple things that bring so much pleasure.  It was a bit too windy today but I was still able to get the kite to fly.  Z1 and Z2 got in on the action too.  We were thrilled with how high we got the kite to fly!  And I was thrilled that my boys won't have to wait till they're 28 to fly a kite! 

I've had the kite for years now.  I bought it at a rummage sale for $2 or so but it's been sitting around all this time.  Recently we started going to Orchard Beach which is vastly different now than it was when I was growing up.  It's actually beautiful and clean and a lovely place to hang out.  And since it's the beach, you usually get a wonderful breeze--perfect for kite flying.  So today we came to find out that the $2 kite is actually a very strong, sturdy, quality kite. 

It was so much fun out there with the boys today.  After kite flying and playing in the sand, we played hopscotch and hide-and-seek.  Days like this I live for. 

Photo Credit:  "my first kite" by jeanieforever on Flickr.com

Getting Rid of Baby Stuff

I thought it would be psychologically healthy for me to start to clear out the baby stuff and the stuff that Z2 outgrows. In the next few weeks, the decision to keep Z2 as our youngest will be final and I thought getting rid of stuff would help me to close that door mentally .

So today, my Moby Wrap sold. It took a little while but the money's been sent and it's packaged up and ready to go. That wrap holds so many memories and I'm sad to see it go. Sad that it won't hold any other children. But I'm going to have to be okay with the it.

I've freecycled a lot of baby stuff but I still have a lot more stuff around here. I think it will all really sink in then when I sell off my newborn/infant diaper stash.

Photo Courtesy of http://www.insidesocal.com/bargain/toyskids-stuff/

Coats and Car Seats

I'm admittedly anal very strict when it comes to my kids' car seats. No, I haven't had them inspected by a professional although I keep saying I will. But I'm 99% sure they are installed correctly and they don't ride in cars without a car seat. (There was that one time in the middle of winter when I was 38 weeks pregnant with Z2 and decided me and Z1 could walk to the avenue--him in his snowsuit. He got so tired and absolutely refused to walk anymore. I tried carrying him but that couldn't work for too long with my huge belly so I sucked it up and took a cab home--with no car seat!) Z2 is also still rear-facing and will be until he reaches the 30 pound limit for rear-facing on his car seat. Z1 is in a seat that harnesses up to 65 pounds. Car seats laws are hardly enforced and most folks I know with kids had their infants forward facing when they turned one and used belt positioning boosters with their older kids (and sometimes even backless ones if one at all). So I know that I'm more concerned about car seats than most folks are (in real life, at least). Heck, I'm more concerned than the hubby who really just does not see the point and lets me alone worry about the car seats.

A few years ago, I first heard the warning that bulky winter coats interfere with the ability of car seats to keep children safe in the event of an accident. The idea is that in the event of an accident, the coat would compress and the child could get tossed out of the car seat.

I really want to keep the kids safe in the car and I'd feel horrible if anything happened that I could have potentially prevented. But we only have street parking and I really can't swing the $199 to get a remote start installed. I had been trying to run out there and start the car but I can't lock the doors with the engine running and no one in the driver's seat. I devised a plan to use the spare key to lock the doors manually. That was working but I have to say, it's really cold and another added step to the numerous steps it already takes to get out the house is just . . . exhausting.

So what I've been doing is just getting to the car, hurriedly turning it on, while we just sit in our coats. Then after I get the engine warmed a little, I turn on the heat full blast, take the kids' coats off and proceed to strap the kids in sans the bulk. They usually have a fleece jacket on underneath their bulky coats and I have fleece blankets to cover them up with.

But let me tell you, yesterday it was bitterly cold. The wind was whipping around. I did not want to be fussing with taking coats on and off (although I did) and so I've just been thinking about a better way to go about this while keeping the kids the safest.

I did a google search and (surprisingly) didn't find many "official" sources on the dangers of bulky coats in car seats. Nonetheless, it makes sense to me that the coat would compress in an accident and I'm always surprised to see how much space there is in the harnesses if one of the kids was wearing something bulky the day before and is wearing something thin the day of.

In doing my google search, I found this:

And here's another good link with pictures how safely wearing a winter coat in the car seat should look.

I think it's a good compromise. All you have to do is make sure the harnesses are as tight with the coat on as they are with the coat off. So I think I'll try this safer way to wear jackets in the car seats.

Authentic Traditions

So whether you know it or not, today is the second day of Kwanzaa. I blogged about it last year and expressed how it feels a bit contrived/made up yet I still see a lot of value in the Kwanzaa principles (Nguzo Saba).

Well, this year, I took a book out of the library on Kwanzaa and even though we don't have a Kinara set up or anything, we're going through each day of Kwanzaa. Today's principle is kujichagulia or self-determination. Or course, if you know me, you know this is one of the biggest principles I'm trying to engender in my own life, i.e. living my life on my own terms and it would be a tremendous blessing if I could pass this principle on to my children.

Anyway, as I share these principles with my children, I still can't shake the feeling that Kwanzaa doesn't feel true to me. I am not African-American. My parents are relatively recent and voluntary immigrants to the United States. I know the geographic location where my family hails from. And I ache for authentic traditions.

My parents, being the staunch Christians that they are, made it a point to avoid all traditional celebrations and holidays. In fact, there are no pictures of my parents' traditional wedding (I don't think they had one) and I'm pretty sure my mother was not pleased that my cousin had her traditional wedding with "all that unnecessariness". I can't say that had we been exposed to our ancient traditions, I would still embrace them today but I feel like a part of who I am is missing.

This is complicated by the fact that although I understand my mother tongue of Igbo, I cannot speak it with any fluency. It makes communicating with my grandmother, who only speaks Igbo, a serious challenge. I feel like she is a treasure trove of information, history and wisdom and I am cut off. I've googled to find an organization of my dad's village people have here in the States. I know that folks are celebrating our traditions but I feel awkward. I don't really know anyone having lived in the States all my life, I don't speak the language and since I'm married, I technically am not from the village my father is from anymore but from the village my husband is from. Since my husband is American, technically/traditionally speaking, I'm from whatever "village" in America he comes from. In fact, because of this I could really only be an honorary member of that organization to which I linked above.

It's kind of frustrating that I should have a direct connection to my history and culture along with the traditions and celebrations but I don't. Do I try to forge one with my strangers from the village my dad comes from? Or do I just suck it up and embrace Kwanzaa as my own? After all, every tradition was made up/started sometime. If we really get into it now and take it seriously, it will be a real tradition for our great-great grandchildren.

Holding your breath?

It's very plain to see (or at least I think it is) that right now people are hurting financially. The cost of things are going up when people are losing their jobs.  I can't say how grateful I am that the hubby has a (pretty) secure job in healthcare (though I don't have any illusions) and I can't even imagine the fortune I have had so that I was able to land a Saturday gig.

When I started the Saturday job, which is at a learning center, I thought to myself that this would be a great way to keep myself in the job market at least somewhat so that when I'm ready to return to work or go back to school for my doctorate, there's no huge gap in my resume.

But what I notice whenever I start to think of the future is that somewhere deep inside I hold back.  Of course, no one can predict what the future will be.  No one really knows what things will look like a few years from now.  But it can't be only me wondering when the shit is going to hit the fan.  Right now, it seems like so many folks are intensely invested in maintaining the status quo.  Business as usual--with a few very slight modifications to take into account the fact that their money is kind of funny right now.  But you'd have to be seriously delusional to not notice that it is most decidedly not business as usual.  The world is changing in ways we've never seen before.  They are calling this depression (which folks want to still misleadingly call a recession) the Greater Depression.  It will get a whole lot worse before it begins to get better.  And when it gets better, things will be a whole lot different.  Will Ph.Ds be relevant then?  What will a teacher's job look like?  How exactly do you plan when you don't know what you're planning for?

I don't spend money frivolously at all.  I weigh every penny I spend and struggle to stay within my budget.  I think to myself though that this may be the last time for a long time that I'll be able to get those silver earrings I've been looking at, those workout DVDs I've been wanting, so maybe I should just go on and get them.  Then I think to myself . . . in  a few years, will these things even be relevant?  Will I lose weight because I am not eating preferring to give the expensive food to the children while I survive on nuts, raisins, and topinambur (which was about the only thing we were able to grow in abundance this year)? Will I be looking to sell off my silver and gold to facilitate getting the hell out of dodge?

Is that kind of thinking pessimistic?  Or realistic?  And in my day to day dealings, should I be thinking about these things?  How do you go about in life not thinking about them?  How do you pretend that everything is exactly as it's always been (all this talk of recession is really just a hiccup right?  We'll be back in a minute!) when clearly, it's not.

You've read the articles about the "alarming" number of folks needing food stamps now.  What about when the government can't afford to subsidize the food stamp program?  You've heard of the folks who used to donate to food banks who are now accepting donations.  What about when the food banks can't afford to do what they do anymore?

So, yeah, I find myself holding my breath unconsciously sometimes.  You know, you plan your life out and dream about all the things you'd like to see happen.  But you don't hold on to those plans too tightly.  You let those dreams be fluid and loose and start to focus on the most basic of things that could keep you happy.  And alive.  You start to think about ways in which you can become more resilient and more versatile and more adaptable.

I think about my children and wonder about the kind of world they live in.  I just hope they can have childhoods, i.e. that the shit hits the fan after they are grown or something.  I know that's kind of selfish since there are other children coming up after them.  (And why the hell do I still want more kids if I know the condition of the world?)

The taxes where we live are too high and will get higher yet moving in this market is really not a possibility.  Like many folks out there, we'd have to sell to buy and quite frankly, ain't no one buying.  So we just go on paying our mortgage that has us by the gonads.  We are currently breaking even at the end of month even with strict budgets and accounting for every penny spent.  Yet, the list of things we need/want grows steadily--and we as parents struggle to do without, trying to give the kids a sense of abundance while cluing them in to the reality that for us and for many others, money is not growing on any trees.  So I'm determined to sock the money I make at this Saturday job away--tenaciously.  I know how easy it is once you're making money to spend money especially with kids, especially trying to give them all the things I didn't have as a child--like Christmas trees and such.  But my focus now is really and truly saving a good chunk of money while striking that delicate balance.  While avoiding feeling like I'm depriving my children and my self.  Having cash money can serve as good cushion to absorb whatever shocks we may be about to experience.

It strikes, me that this is also a good time to get my spiritual life in order too.  Again, shock absorption. Sure, I've been searching for my path but I am more motivated to focus on finding where I'm supposed to so that I'm there if or when the "just in case" situations happen.  So that I am there when the time comes to exhale.  And figure out what to do next.

Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree . . .

Or not.

I have never had a Christmas tree at Christmas. Not once in my entire life.  Our family didn't put up Christmas trees.  My parents held the belief that trees and all the other Christmas "paraphernalia" were pagan and as Christians, we should not be involved in those things.  My parents also strongly believed that the purpose of Christmas was not the gifts but to celebrate the birth of Christ.  So even if we would have had a tree, there would have been very few gifts under it.

Now, my parents and I don't hold similar world views.  In fact, our world views are vastly different except that we kind of agreed on the Christmas tree thing and the gift giving thing.    But I'd be lying if I said that as a child I didn't long for a beautifully decorated Christmas tree with lots of gifts under the tree.  I wanted that so deeply every Christmas but as I got older and learned a lot more on my own, I became genuinely uncomfortable with all the Christmas "stuff" and when I left Christianity, I took a huge step back from the whole holiday.

But the other day Z1 asked if we were going to have a tree.  He said he wanted to decorate it. The hubby tried to explain that we don't do trees but I felt torn (even though I went along with the hubby).  What's really the harm in having a tree and decorating it?  It may have had pagan origins but now that I know paganism is not devil worship, so what? Who can deny that they are beautiful and fun to decorate?  My opinion on gift giving hasn't really changed all that much.  I wouldn't want to go out and spend a whole lot of money buying things for Christmas.  I think that misses the point, the spirit of Christmas.  But I could see making homemade gifts for each other and close family members as the kids get older because I definitely recognize the value in gift giving and generosity.  And as a knitter and crocheter, I especially see the value in sharing the fruit of one's labor, the product of one's creativity with loved ones.

The frugal me would, of course, purchase an artificial one that we could pull out year after year.  It would be small enough to fit on the kitchen table.  

I could actually have written a similar post at Halloween because the same issues came up.  I didn't dress up or trick-or-treat as a child and I often felt left out.  I often felt like I was missing out on a whole lot of fun.  And these days, holidays are such a mainstream thing--moreso than when I was a child--that it's hard to keep your children insulated from the influence.  I honestly felt bad when Z1 went to his little Kindermusik class and all the other kids had costumes but he didn't.  I asked myself then, What's the harm, really?

So, what say you?  Do you do Christmas trees in your households?  Why or why not?

Picture courtesy of http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumb_198/1193071743IQjNUY.jpg

A little thing called respect

Respect (which goes hand in hand with politeness) goes a long way in this world of ours especially if you happen to be a person of color.  In my last post, I discussed my feelings on the practice of saying sorry, specifically the idea of forcing an apology or giving an apology that is not sincere.  But there are many other practices/ideas that are related to a little thing called respect.

The hubby yesterday said to me that it's time for Z1 to stop calling adults by their first names.  He wants Z1 to preface any adults' name with a proper title:  Aunt, Uncle, Mr. or Ms.  To him, failing to do so is definitely a sign of disrespect.  Maybe I'm more progressive but I really don't mind children in an informal setting calling me by my first name and I don't mind Z1 calling other adults by their first names either.  By adults, I mean non-related adults.  I still expect Z1 to call his aunts "Aunty", uncles "Uncle", Grandma, Grandpa, whether or not they are related by blood or by marriage.  The hubby, on the other hand, absolutely does mind when he is called by his first name by a child or when a child is calling other adults by their first name.  Well, I had to give it a little thought because, obviously, we have to have some kind of agreement on the issue.

I'm from a culture where respect for elders is of the utmost importance.  I mean, any Nigerian child can tell you of the numerous aunts and uncles they have (only a handful of which are actually really related).  There are people older than me that to this day, I would never attempt to call by their first name without tacking on an Aunty or Uncle.  I remember this huge dilemma I had as a child when the mom of an American friend of mine wanted me to drop calling her Aunty.  I didn't really know how to address this woman because I knew if my mother heard me calling her by her first name, it wouldn't be pretty.  So I stopped calling her altogether.  I wonder if she ever noticed.  Anyway, because of my numerous "fake" aunts and uncles, I wouldn't ask my kids to call any non-related adult Aunty or Uncle.  If we're going to use titles, they're going to be formal--Mr. or Ms. although they can tag that on to the first name (as opposed to the last name) of the adult they're talking to the hubby is okay with that).

In one sense I definitely see the value in using proper titles because it really does set up a space for formality, a distinction between me and you, a respect.  If you call me Ms. Originalwombman and I call you by your first name without a title, you'd feel a way--and vice versa.  In some instances, setting up this respectful environment is useful like at the workplace or in the classroom.  But when it comes to interpersonal relationships between children and adults, is it still useful or does it set up a hierarchy of power where children are at the bottom and adults at the top?

You see, for me parenting is requiring a whole shift in my paradigm.  I'm currently reading a book called Connection Parenting and the underlying idea is that no, you shouldn't treat children like adults but you should always treat them with respect.  That is the only way you can in turn expect respect and this is the only way to truly stay connected to your children.  And connection, the book posits, is what children need most in this world.  That makes total sense to me.  So how does using titles to address adults correspond to that understanding?  If respect is a two way street, what special title am I going to use to address children?  Now, I've had teachers who insisted on calling their students "Ms. So and So" especially when I was attending my all girls high school. I always liked this.  I honestly did feel respected in a genuine way--as if the teacher thought me to be on his/her level, i.e. just a capable a human being.  I've also taught in a school where the students called the teacher by her first name.  I can't say I really liked that dynamic though--students really were haywire at times but I don't know if it was the teacher herself (who didn't command respect) or the fact that
they didn't use titles.  I tend to think it's the former.

I am happy to say that I started a Saturday job at a learning center about 20 minutes from here.  Most of the students call the teachers by their first names.  After encountering a particularly surly and sarcastic boy yesterday (who, damn it, happens to be the only Black child I've see walk into the place yet and who burst into tears when I asked why he was being so rude) I am certain that I do not want to be called by my first name.  I don't even want my first name in play at this place because I do not want to invite any form of disrespect.  I don't want to deal with any bullshit at a part-time Saturday gig.  So I guess deep inside I really do feel that using titles does, at least in some part, promote respect.

But is it fair to expect children to tag on a title of respect to address adults when adults are not expected to do that to children? I'm not sure.

I am sure that is vitally important for my boys to be viewed as respectful, courteous, polite young men--as non-threatening as possible.  So I may have to push my misgivings aside so that they get into the habit of addressing adults as Mister or Ms.

I am sure that a little thing called respect, in this world, in this skin, goes a really, really long way.

The Sorry Will Mean Something

I think most mothers have been in a situation where their child has done something to another child--either said something mean or hit/pushed. There's always that awkward moment after such an incident where all the mothers of the children involved stand around trying to figure out what happened, trying to make their child feel better and also trying to assign blame/seek justice. It is, indeed, always awkward especially if the mothers have totally different frameworks from which they are parenting.

I know I've been in this situation countless times and I often feel like the mother of the other child is looking for me to force Z1 to say sorry. I never do. First of all, Z1 would never say sorry.  I could physically twist his arm if I wanted and he wouldn't do it.  He would sooner stalk off, throw himself on the floor, cross his arms and frown, etc.--an apology would not be coming any time soon.  If he feels his actions were justified, I can forget about an apology.  Which leaves me staring at the mom helplessly as she (essentially) shakes her head at what a poor parenting job I'm doing because Z1 just won't say it.

So these days, I'm much more focused on getting him to empathize with folks that are hurt.  In this way, whatever apology he offers is heartfelt.  This doesn't always fly with other mothers even if I apologize on Z1's behalf and take steps to make sure the incident doesn't happen again like talking to Z1 about keeping his hands to himself or removing him from the situation. It's just not good enough.  They want, no expect, that apology.

With all the spiritual and psychological work I've been doing to get myself to a healthy place, I realize that expecting or demanding an apology for perceived wrongs is really a waste of time.  Often times, if a person knows an apology is expected, they'll give it but it won't be sincere and they'll be sure to commit the offense again.  Why?  Because that person may not feel he/she did anything wrong in the first place.  That person may not understand (or care about) why you are offended.  He/she may think that you taking offense is silly or uncalled for.  That person simply may not care.  Period.  Why expend energy expecting an apology?  These days I'm much more inclined to process these things on my own, to recognize why I was hurt or offended and do things within my own power to avoid it happening again.  This sometimes includes modifying my behavior with the offending person (e.g. not being as open or as friendly).  It's always my hope that if someone sees they have hurt me that they will make an effort to make me feel better.  But as always, how I feel and how I react, at the end of the day, is solely my responsibility.

So Z1 rarely expects apologies at this point when he gets into it with other kids.  Playground scuffles usually end with him coming to vent to me, I sympathize with him and hug him, and give him options for how he can continue to make his playing experience positive.  Yet, I'm careful to model to him how and when to apologize.  Like if I accidentally break something of his or step on his toe, I will say, "Oh Z1, I accidently broke your puzzle.  I know that made you very upset and I'm sorry.  May I help you put it back together?"  I'm careful to slow him down after he's pushed his brother down so that he can take a look at how sad/hurt his brother is.  I will ask Z1 how he thinks Z2 is feeling and if he were in Z2's shoes, what he would want or need.  Without coercion, Z1 will go over and try to soothe his brother and apologize.  So Z1 does indeed say sorry but that's when he wants to--when he realizes that he did something that hurt someone else (even if he feels hurt or treated unjustly himself)--and I don't have to pull teeth to get him to do it either. To me, this makes a whole lot more sense--especially in light of the fact that children get over things so quickly because they tend towards wanting to be joyful, light and happy.

I was bullied as a child and one thing I remember so clearly was being treated horribly and the bully taunting me with, "Oh, I'm sorry!" not to make me feel better, exactly, but just as part of the meanness so they could say they didn't mean it when, in fact, they really did.  I remember reporting the bullying to a teacher and me and the bully being brought together and the teacher forcing the bully to apologize.  The bully would always say "I'm Sorry" and then turn around not more than five minutes after and continue with the bullying--to an even fiercer degree and much more insidiously because I had the nerve to tell.  No one, it seemed, was interested in really fixing the pain.  Everyone was more interested in the superficial politeness.  I wasn't amused.

Saying sorry is the social thing to do.  It's polite.  And we all want to teach our children how to be polite.  But more important to me than teaching my children politeness for the sake of getting along is teaching them empathy and sincerity.  More important to me is teaching that words have meaning and should be meaningful (not empty).  I know if I can get Z1 to empathize consistently, to understand when someone else feels like they've been treated unjustly, to care when someone is hurt, the apology will come and it will come without force.  And then the sorry will mean something.

Photo Credit:  "I'm Sorry" by hey mr. glen on Flickr.com