Letter to Myself

I've been trying to find a window of opportunity to blog all day but it hasn't happened till now. And even now I should be sleeping since I have to get up to exercise. But I really wanted to share this today.

I spent my pregnancy with Z1 extremely depressed at times longing for my "mommy", wanting to be cherished and nurtured. But this is not something my mother could offer. Two years ago, I wrote an entry in my journal about my mother and how I have come to deal with our relationship. It's a letter to myself and while my overstanding of the Almighty has changed quite a bit since then, the letter is still essentially true.

You were blessed with a mother who is not described by any of the warm, fuzzy Hallmark Mother's Day Greeting Cards. In fact, you pore through countless cards trying to find the most generic, non-specific card there is. You can't get one that says, "You always know what to say to lift my spirit". Not true. No, you look for cards that say, "Hope your day is great!"

There are two ways you can respond to this in the light of the fact that you are completely grown. You could become very bitter and angry, snap and complain at every opportunity. Or you can accept her for who and how she is, realizing that she's human only and has human flaws. Also, she is not in this world to live up to your expectation or idea of what a mother should be. She did for you and gave you the best she could. You may not think it was the best but it was. If she could have done better, she would have. You may be thinking she should have given me this or that because she had the ability but even if she did have the ability physically, mentally or psychologically she was not in a place where she could give you more, you cannot fault her for it. You're grown enough now to cut that umbilical cord and connect it to the Almighty who can be everything and anything you need. You can expect unwaveringly that the Almighty will always give you what you need, when you need it and how you need it.

When you let your natural, physical mother off the hook, forgive her and forgive yourself for believing that somehow it was you that caused your mother to treat you the way she did, you re-connect to a Higher Power, you free yourself and allow yourself the space to heal. When you begin to realize that you are who you are because of your mother and not in spite of, you learn to be grateful. Right now, you are blessed with a chance to be whole. You have the chance to be the way you want. You started out on this road a long time ago before you even knew yourself and you've been traveling on it for many years. There have been many potholes and bumps. You now realize that this particular road is not leading to where you'd like to go. You have the ability to get off at the next exit. You can pick the next road. You can decide the kind of woman you're going to be. You determine, most especially, the kind of mother you are going to be.

I hope all the mothers (mothers with their own children, spiritual mothers, godmothers, etc) enjoyed the day.

Photo Credit: "dedicated to moms everywhere (happy mother's day 2008 #2)" by jmtimages

I Can't Stand the Rain!

Thank God today is sunny and warm!

My first introduction to this song was back in high school when Misdemeanor Eliot ("Missy") sampled it. I loved it then (and still do) but didn't know it was old school. I should have. I've always thought Missy was so creative and like me, marched to her own drum. Anyway, wanted to share some music on this lovely day!





Have a great weekend!

I didn't mention . . .

That I finished my story. I was waiting for inspiration to hit and well, it just wasn't. So one day when the hubby was off, I pushed him and the boys out. I spent 3 to 4 hours and finished it. I retitled it "The Oracle" and while I don't think it's my finest writing and I know it still needs work, it is a good skeleton.

If you'd like to read it and tell me *honestly* what you think (be brutally honest), please e-mail me!

Funny.Ironic.

Just when I was getting down on my good old thrift store, it hooked a sista up! I got two flyy cotton blouses and one pair of 100% linen pants (size 12!!!! and not 14!!!!! and they fit perfectly!!!! although a little too long--nothing that's not easily fixed). The pants and one of the blouses make a complete outfit. Got Z1 a Gant hoodie and a Gap dress shirt too. Grand total: $10.91. I'm stoked! Like the universe knew I needed a pick me up.

Sacrificing too much?

I guess it's a question that every mother has to ask herself. One thing I have clearly understood about motherhood is that it's insanely difficult to find the balance.

I've been a stay-at-home mom now for some years and overall, I enjoy it. Sometimes, though, I take a break from the constant diaper changing, breastfeeding, hand washing, nose and butt wiping and wonder . . . what the fuck am I doing?

How much sacrifice is too much?

I look at my house and all the work that needs to be done. It's a lot of work. Yet, the repairs and renovations go at a snail's pace because there's only one income. Two incomes would move the work along. Would make it so that I wouldn't feel embarrassed when folks visit and see the kitchen (my stove was manufactured in 1959--no joke) and the bathroom (which needed to be re-tiled about 10 years ago). We could have replaced all the doors at one time instead of doing the front door this month and the back door only God knows when. Two incomes would make the place ready to rent. Make getting out of this town more of a near-future possibility. And getting out of this town would be . . . fabulous.

I look at myself. The clothes I wear. Actually, the clothes I hate to wear. I'd like to go into a regular store (not the thrift store) and buy stuff that fits right and that's cute (on sale and on clearance of course because I still can't get with paying crazy high prices for things). Two incomes would help.

But then the other half of the time, I am overwhelmed by what a blessing it is that I can stay at home with my boys. There are many sacrifices involved but we eat well, are dressed well. Our home keeps us warm and sheltered. Plus we have small luxuries to boot. The hubby supports my staying at home (at least until Z2 is school age). It's not like I'm making the choice between staying at home and basic necessities. The choice I'm making is between staying at home and moving up and out quickly/looking the way I'd like to look.

And then there's homeschooling, something that I've had my heart set on to do for a long time. Full-time work and homeschooling seem incompatible. Could something work out?

My initial teaching certification expires in 2010. I'll renew but do I want to go back to teaching? My first experience was so traumatizing. Maybe dealing with 5 and 6 year olds would be better? Could I even get back into the field if I wanted? It's been almost 5 years since I graduated.

Eh, this post seems like reiterations of the same old issues but sometimes it just weighs so heavily on me. Am I sacrificing my very self to be a stay at home mom? Is it worth it?

I've actually been sort of looking for some kind of part time job--to make enough money to cover classes and stuff for the boys as well as maybe groceries and the things I need to make me feel, well, cute again and to just be out and functioning in a different capacity.

Keep your fingers crossed for me: I noticed that the hubby's alma mater doesn't have a crochet class in its School of Continuing Education. I proposed it to them. That would be great actually . . . working very part time, making decent money, doing something I like.

Who's Afraid of . . .

the big bad flu?

Not me.

I don't know . . . my head is in a good place right now. Whatever this flu is or isn't, I know the best thing is to work on our immune systems. As usual, the *only* thing you have control of is yourself, your thoughts and your actions.

So, I'm regulating all sugar (even though we don't use white sugar, being easy with sugar is still best). I just ordered some sodium ascorbate (vitamin C) because we're running low. I was just reminded about the importance of the mineral selenium. We eat a lot of the foods that are rich in it but I may also get a supplement. I've got my echinacea and goldenseal tinctures at the ready and raw honey too. We get plenty of garlic in our food. We're drinking enough water. Getting our green smoothies and other fruits and veggies in. Exercising. Getting good sun. And just getting on with our lives.

Sleeping through the night?

Okay, Z2 slept really well last night. From 8:30 till about 4:10. I woke up feeling extremely well rested. Will it be a repeat performance tonight? I don't know. I certainly ain't getting my hopes up! But, oh my goodness, it feels good to be well rested today. I feel like I could do anything!!

Ready to give making soymilk and tofu a try

We had a soymilk maker that I returned because what I really wanted at the time was to make rice milk (which was a huge mess in the soy milk maker). Since I'm no longer as wary of soy as I once was and since we are eating tofu and drinking soy milk (in porridge and tea) regularly, I think I'm ready to give it another go. I think the hubby would be down for re-purchasing a soymilk maker (that's the link to the one we had before) but I'd like to give making it without one a try. I can get soybeans pretty inexpensively and I would need to find a tofu press (to get bricks of tofu as opposed to balls and other odd shapes) as well as an large inexpensive stainless steel pot (you need three stock type pots and I only have two). I may employ the hubby to think of some kind of homemade tofu press.

The process for making soy milk and tofu actually doesn't seem as daunting as it once did. However . . . this morning's workout was another bust since Z2 woke at 6 on the dot. Do I really want to add anything onto the hecticness of things right now?? We'll see. I'm really leaning towards it though. I think that would be a great step towards self-sufficiency especially if I could grow my own soybeans.

Photo Credit: "Tofu Press" by ashe-villain on Flickr.com

Happy Thrifting!!!

A few months ago, I scored for $4.99 each, stone loaf pans by Pfaltzgraff. I think they retail for about $25 a piece. These pans bake beautiful loaves of yeasted breads and my banana nut, pumpkin and cranberry orange quick breads have such a lovely texture using these loaf pans.

Yesterday, for $5.99, a beautiful tea pot (with a built in) strainer made in Japan, The gentleman who was ringing me up said that two other folks had picked it up and then decided against buying it. I guess it was waiting for me!!

Happy thrifting indeed! :)

Enjoying the Right Now . . .

During my hiatus, I made the decision to just enjoy what is right now. It might end tomorrow but I am focused on deriving great joy from my daily shower, enjoying coasting down a wide open highway, checking my e-mail anytime I get good and ready. I'm still interested in emergency preparedness and getting my family through tough times comfortably but I am determined to enjoy right now. As long as there's life, health and strength . . . why not?

I get it. Economic depression. End of cheap oil. Food shortages. All these things loom as very real possibilities for our near futures (if not current realities).

But this weekend, the weather will be GREAT. In the 80s. After a long hard winter, I am ready, you hear? R.e.a.d.y!!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I will.

Photo Credit: Spring Time in Tennessee by countryboy1949 on Flickr

He's a Biter!!!

Z2 is a biter and it is just so unnerving. Everywhere we go I spend the whole time chasing him around to make sure he doesn't sink his teeth into some unsuspecting little person. It's not malicious. Not always. I mean, if you take something he's playing with, he will try to bite you. Z1 knows this firsthand and all too well. But most of the time, biting is part of some bear hug, "I'm trying to be your friend" ritual. I can't wait till this stage is through!

I am continually taken by how different children, even children with the same father and mother, can be. Our issue with Z1 was that he didn't bite enough. He would swallow chunks of food whole and we'd have great fun identifying things in his diaper. Z2 on the other hand chews everything thoroughly. Z1 was reserved and took a long time to warm up to other kids. Z2, though, will walk right up and . . . bite. Z2 is adventurous and climbs thing with little to no regard as to what might happen should he lose his footing. Z1 has always been extremely cautious with himself and although he injures himself from time to time, it's more so because he's not watching his step not because he's willfully being daring.

Anyway, we've dubbed Z2 "Little Chomper". He's still too cute.



Picture courtesy of http://www.dkimages.com/discover/DKIMAGES/Discover/Home/Health-and-Beauty/Human-Body/Skeletal-System/Skull/Teeth/Teeth-28.html

I'm back . . .

I was trying to think of some clever way to make my re-entry into the world of blogging but I couldn't. But I'm back--back with a much clearer vision of how I want internet usage to be a part of my life. I'm catching up on blogs. Unsubcribing from others. Sorting through e-mail. Paying bills (was worried I'd have to go get some stamps for a minute there). Generally getting re-acclimated.

Peace.

Where have you been?

I've been around. My computer got infected with a virus a week ago and it's in the process of getting fixed. Since funds ain't all that flowing, we had to go the most cost effective way which was sending it to my brother-in-law half-way across the country via the slowest method they had at UPS. We probably won't be up and running again for another week.

I feel disoriented and cut off in some ways. But in other ways I'm enjoying the internet break.

Be well.

To Wrap or Not To Wrap . . . that's the question!

When I sighted (came to the knowledge) of RastafarI some years back my life completely changed. At some point, I'll talk about how that came to be but today I want to talk about an outgrowth of RastafarI: my appearance. For many years now, I have embraced modesty as the ideal for a RastafarI woman. What that means is that in public my hair is always covered (and if we have non-female visitors at the gates), wearing long skirts exclusively, and putting on no makeup amongst other things depending on the Rastawoman you ask. The point is that doing these things, we declare our rebellion and separation from the Babylon system which emphasizes and exploits a woman's physical body and her sexuality.

I've come a very long way these past few years and while I still identify as RastafarI, I'm hesitant to place a label on myself. After all, trodding in RastafarI, you come to find that there are so many different interpretations and understanding of what the trodition is and of who His and Her Majesty are and of what repatriation and Africa represents, it's difficult to point to something and say, "Yup, that's RastafarI." It used to be that you could see a bredren with bongo natty and say, "One blessed Love" with a hand over your heart and be greeted in kind. These days, you might get a bewildered look.

In any case, it's fairly easy, generally speaking, to tell a Rasta sistren because of how she looks, particularly because she would have her natty wrapped up usually on the top of her head or have some other head covering to cover her natty. (She might be wearing red, gold and green buttons or pictures of His and Her Majesty too.) If you've been following this blog since I started it last year, you know the struggles I have had with my hair. It has been kind of traumatic in ways that I can't fully express but that have to do with not being able to physically manifest such an important symbol (to me) of my spiritual trod: dreadlocks. When I started to lock up after I sighted FarI, I was determined to have 7 big congo natty locks like Samson. (Babylon take that!) Never happened. Right now, I have not one lock. I wear a low boy (took it down from a caesar) and I can't imagine ever attempting to lock up again. It's difficult, to be sure. I so would like to rock a lovely wrap full of cascading, organic locks. I've crocheted so many lock caps and custom hair nets for sistren and bredren with waist long (or longer) locks. I've looked forward with sincerest anticipation to the day when I'd be crocheting my own. I chuckle because back when I was brand new to Rasta, I would stuff my wraps with fabric just waiting for the day, faking it till I made it. These days, I hardly bother with intricate wraps (although recently I've started making the effort again) and I'm finding it even harder to keep up a Rastawoman appearance.

In snow, it's much easier to wear pants when slinging around two kids, stroller, diaper bags, etc. It's easier to wear pants if I'm going to be sitting on the floor at story time or chasing my babies around the playground. Since I spend most of my time doing these things, it's easier to wear pants all the time (not tight fitting or form revealing--just comfortable, loose style yoga pants or wide leg style pants--I'm still not interested in letting everybody see what I've got going on--Honor).

While I don't wear makeup at all, I did go back to painting my toenails. It's something I was forbidden from doing as a child/teen but ended up loving to do. I like to keep my feet looking nice and polish on the toes seems to complete this. Newly sighting Chi-Chi would have frowned heavily on pant wearing, nail painting Chi-Chi. Her brows would have furrowed all the more because she's considering wearing foundation again, from time to time.

And this brings me to the main point of this post . . . I just cannot seem to get comfortable with going outside my gates (house) without something covering my head. Because of my scalp issues, yet unresolved, wearing wraps or hats causes me a fair amount of itchy discomfort. The hubby has even encouraged me to stop . But honestly, I feel bare. Naked. Strange without something on my head. I guess it just became a part of me, covering my head, and I can't give it up. Not to mention that I still am self-conscious that I might run into a bredren or sistren and they would see 1) I have no locks and 2) my head isn't covered. What would they think? (I know, I know, it doesn't matter what they think but in a trodition where it's important to "rep" if you will . . .well, it still kind of matters to me).

I mean, these days I'm equally as likely to toss on a beret or a skull cap instead of actually tying a headwrap. I mean, I have lots of headwraps, mainly cotton gauze and cotton printed African material, but lately I've been lazy about tying them (although since I know I actually look more royal with one on I've been making more of an effort of late). That means that even if I'm with my Kingman (aka the hubby), it's not likely that other Rasta people will hail (greet) me or even acknowledge me, I guess, assuming I'm the baldhead the Rastaman is dealing with. I've come to terms with that and it doesn't sting as much as it used to. Of course, I'm keenly aware these days that a headful of locks doesn't mean anything right off the bat . . . that locks don't confer any kind of spirituality or consciousness and neither does a big, colorful African headwrap. I know others have realized that too. Yet, I'm still not ready to cast off the whole head covering altogether though. I'm not sure if I ever will. Even though it's not the rebellious statement it used to be.

Oh, the hubby is a skilled barber and he keeps my hair looking neat. But I still have traction alopecia at the edges, I'm not comfortable all the way with short hair and, most importantly, I'm not at ease when my head is not covered in public. So you'll rarely see the hair cut. Heck, I'm not 100% comfortable rocking pants in public but I'm also practical.

Anyway, the issue of modesty for women crosses many religious and philosophical traditions and is especially interesting to me when considering the perspective of women whose appearance immediately indicates their trod (which is not necessarily the case in the RastafarI trodition).
Excellent reading:
The Benefits of Hijab
The Public Face of Our Nation

Good breakfast, Good Morning!

I certainly believe breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I know I just don't function well if I don't have some solid food in my belly in the morning. Being that I love to bake, muffins and scones feature at breakfast often (although not so much recently since the hubby has been cooking breakfast while I bathe the boys--division of labor is such a welcome relief). Anyway, a few days ago I was at the fruit and vegetable store and on a whim picked up a zucchini thinking I'd make some zucchini bread. I wanted a small one but they only had large ones. I used half to make a really awful zucchini bread--the hit and miss of trying out internet recipes and not using your own common baking sense. So the bread kind of just sat there and got stale even though the hubby nobly tried to put butter and jam on it to make it kind of edible so it wouldn't go to waste. Eventually, even he gave up. Not to be discouraged and with the other half of the zucchini sitting in the fridge, I thought it would be a great idea to make zucchini muffins. I hit the net again and found a recipe for fat free Zucchini Muffins. I was impressed by the relatively small amount of sugar and drawn to the cinnamon sugar topping. They are delicious! And the addition of the nuts and raisins adds a certain heartiness that makes them perfect for breakfast. They're very easy to make too even without a mixer and it's a plus that they're low fat. I've copied the recipe below:

(Recipe courtesy of: Fatfree Vegan Kitchen)

Zucchini Muffins with Cinnamon-Crumb Topping

There's just a little bit of margarine in the crumb topping which, divided over 12 muffins, doesn't even affect the fat count. But leave it off if you want--or double it, if you're feeling decadent.

Dry ingredients:
2 cups white whole wheat flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup raisins
1/4 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

Wet ingredients:
1 1/2 teaspoons Ener-G egg replacer
2 tablespoons water
1 1/4 cup shredded zucchini, packed
1 tablespoon lemon zest
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon agave nectar (or other liquid sweetener)
1 1/4 cups fat-free soymilk or other non-dairy milk

Optional Cinnamon Crumb Topping:
1 teaspoon margarine
1/2 tablespoon demerara sugar
1/2 tablespoon flour
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
(Use a fork to combine until crumbly.)

Preheat oven to 400 F. Line a muffin pan with paper or silicone liners or spray well with non-stick spray.

Line a large mixing bowl, combine the dry ingredients. In a medium bowl, whisk the Ener-G egg replacer powder with the water until foamy. Add the remaining wet ingredients and stir to combine.

Add the wet ingredients to the dry and stir just until combined. Do not over-stir. Batter will be very heavy. Spoon into muffin cups, dividing batter equally among the cups. Sprinkle the center of each muffin with a little Cinnamon Crumb Topping, if desired, and bake until a toothpick comes out clean, about 20 minutes.