Whose side would you take?

Many houses on the street I live on do not have driveways.  So even though we reside on this block, we have to contend with others for street parking.  This is especially difficult because we are just one block from the commuter train station and many people park here and go to work (instead of paying to park in the lot). Also, we are just one block from the library, the post office and a municipal building (the one that handles social services).  It can sometimes be a real fight to get a parking space especially on Monday and Tuesday when alternate side of the street parking is in effect.  And most especially now when there are 4 and 5 foot high piles of snow stacked everywhere.

The other day when it snowed, the hubby and almost all our neighbors were out there shoveling walkways and digging their cars out of the snow. There was a real camaraderie. Most people when they moved their cars to drive out started putting safety cones, garbage cans, bins, anything really, to hold their space.   I felt funny about doing it initially but I really had no choice.  There is no parking and I could end up having to park blocks and blocks away if I didn't make sure to put a place holder.  So I've been doing it too and it's been a tremendous help.  I'm usually bringing in groceries or other goods or juggling my kids and their stuff.  The weather has been terrible and it just makes it so much easier that I don't have to park as far as a bus ride away.  

People have been respecting the place holders and that has been a great relief to me, I have to say.  People have understood our struggle and have honored the fact that we live on this block and dug it out.  Up until yesterday.

We had a playdate and we were supposed to go to my friend's house.  The roads were still pretty bad so the hubby was to take my Subaru to work.  I thought we wouldn't be able to have the playdate but then I realized she could just park in my space.  She'd be gone long before the hubby came home.  Great plan and I was relieved that we'd have some company.

Almost immediately after the hubby left, my niece calls me to say that someone was in my spot.  I didn't worry because I figured it was my friend's Honda Odyssey.  I looked out the window and it was an Infinity coupe that didn't belong to anyone who lived on this block.  The owner had moved my place holder.  The only reason he chose my space was because, unlike my neighbors, I only placed one safety cone. My neighbors had 2 or 3 large garbage cans or bins to hold their space. 

I looked around to see if maybe it was just someone who'd come to drop something off but there was no one around.  I got upset.  It would have been okay if I didn't have my friend coming because I was sure the person would be gone at least by 6 (because either they went to the city on the commuter train, to the library, to the post office or to the social services building--all of which closed by 6) so my husband would have a place to park my car when he got home at least.  But right then, I was kind of stuck as my friend was on her way.  

I wrote a note.  A polite but strongly worded note about being considerate of the fact that we put so much work into clearing the snow and putting the marker in and that we live on this block.  I taped it to his car with far more tape than was necessary and even put a piece of tape on his car door handle and side view mirror (I was frustrated).  I still had my friend come and we parked her car in the space next to mine, moving my neighbor's place markers.  I left a note in my friend's car with my number so that if my neighbor came home, we'd cut the playdate short and she'd move the car.  (Yes, we'd have to cut the playdate short--there is NO parking.)   

The owner of the Infinity came back about an hour or so into the playdate.  He took the note I left on his car, tore into about 8 pieces and stuck it in various places all over my friend's car.  About an hour after that, he called me to yell at me telling me that it's illegal to put place markers on a public street (yes, he actually took the time to take down my number so that he could call me to tell me about myself).  When I went to help my friend to the car, I realized that he had come back and taken my place marker (a safety cone) and one of my neighbor's placer markers (his garbage can).  I guess he thought my neighbor's placer marker was mine also.   

This experience really made an impression on me and the way people are these days.  I couldn't believe that he went through such lengths over a note left by someone who clearly frustrated at having their spot "stolen".  I can understand that maybe there was an emergency or he was late for an appointment and really desperately needed parking.  I can't understand how this person couldn't understand the desperation we face to the point that we have to pull our car out of the space, get out and put a place marker so we don't lose the spot.  We don't do this under normal circumstances.  I thought he would have called me and explained that he was in a difficult situation and just needed to park quickly and he was sorry for the inconvenience.  I realize, though, that what I would do is not what others would do and I can't expect others to behave the way I would.  I also am coming to the realization that many people these days are really, really self-centered and refuse to think about other folks situation.  My friend's car is a mini-van.  The Infinity owner thought it was mine.  It's feasible that I had four or five kids I would have had to juggle out the car and get into the house--and he took one of the very few spaces available.  (((sigh)))

I know we had no lawful claim to the space.  But this is not about the law or justice to me.  It's about compassion and thinking of others.  

I'm really tired of fighting for street parking.  It's difficult to get the kids to the car safely.  On alternate side of the street parking days, I can't go anywhere in the morning before 12.  Some days I come home and there is just no parking for whatever reason and only a handful of the cars belong to people who live here.  There's the issue of snow.  And my town does not enforce the two-hour parking signs that are up (another town further north handles this by issuing "Resident" stickers to people who live there so they are exempt from the two-hour rule).  

We have space on our property for a driveway.  Once spring comes, I'm going to really have to look into what we need to do to get it put in.  I'm sure we have to get some permits and file paperwork and all that.  That's the hardest part.  Then we have to find someone to do the work and given our history contractors (we're currently being sued by a sub-contractor who put in our new roof who was hired by the contractor we signed the contract with), that will probably be pretty difficult too.  And then there's the cost.  

So what do you think about the situation?  Whose side would you have been on?  The Infinity owner's or mine?  

To Kick the Winter Blues

I needed to focus on something else beside snow.  So I started a fitness blog.  I'm really excited about it for two reasons.  First, I love to write about my fitness journey.  Secondly, I really hate cluttering up this blog with fitness (essentially making it a fitness blog).  I already have a whole bunch of ideas about what I want to write and do with the blog.  And it's an excellent outlet for me and something wonderful to focus on. So if you are interested, it's called The Daily Strive.  

The Big Seven

Today marks my 7th year of marriage.  

Whenever I read or hear that someone has been married 20 years or more my heart jumps a little.  I don't know how people do it.  I mean, I know how people do it: one day at a time, one week at a time, one month a time, one year at a time.  But it's daunting to think of such a long span of time.  And it really doesn't help that I don't personally know a couple that has been together that long or, rather, been together that long happily.  That's really scary.  Really, really scary. 

I so wish I did have that example.  I wish I did have someone who has been there, done that, to talk to.  A person who I could fully trust, who could empathize and offer sound, balanced advice.  What I find is that I have to protect and safeguard my marriage.  I have to keep things very private because people don't understand.  They don't have the experience to understand.  And they don't get that I don't want them to be on "my" side.  So I end up not talking much about issues in my marriage that are bothering me or that are problematic or that I can't see a solution to.  Except for sometimes when I post on a message board.  But that always seems . . . impersonal and you can never convey fully what the situation entails and exactly how everyone feels.  Plus, it's a whole bunch of strangers who don't know you anyway.

So on my 7th anniversary, I have to acknowledge that marriage is perhaps the most difficult thing I've ever done.  It's bittersweet.  On the one hand, we made it!  And we made it through a whole lot of nonsense and obstacles at that!  And we have a good, solid happy marriage and we still fundamentally like each other and genuinely love each other.  On the other, I get weary sometimes and wonder how to keep making it.  I struggle sometimes with the feeling that I sacrificed my 20s at the altar of marriage thinking it was an alternative, and obvious/wise choice and an investment.  But I can't always gauge the return or if there will be one.  I hope so though.  I believe so.

I'm not the happiest I could possibly be but I'm not the most miserable.  I'm pretty happy.  And I am honest with myself in saying that my marriage is not what is keeping me from being totally and completely happy.  Whatever that means (what it means to be happy and how to be happy is the subject of many a book . . . no one seems to really know the answer).

I feel fortunate to have found this book though: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I'm getting through it slowly, reading from it for five minutes daily at my altar.  I've already gained a lot of insight.  I hope more useful resources like this keep coming my way because in my heart of hearts, I want to make it to 20 years and much, much further.  

A bit of a dilemma

My children do not like to eat very many things.  They don't like tofu.  They don't like any bean or any dish that a bean is in.  Z1 will tolerate burritos or tacos made with black beans but not Z2.  They both will tolerate split pea soup but not without some serious cajoling.  It seems all they want to eat are fish sticks, broccoli, pizza, grilled cheese, or macaroni and cheese, and yogurt (but Z1 not so much).  It drives me crazy because I think they eat too much cheese but it's what they like.  And granted, the cheese I give them comes from grass-fed cows and all that but still . . . 

So I don't know.  I'm feeling totally better after switching back to an all-out omnivorous diet.  I have not given the kids any chicken, turkey or beef.  My idea was that they could decide later on if they wanted to eat those things.  But I don't know now.  They're growing fine and are hitting all their milestones.  I'd say they are well-nourished but I worry and I wonder would they be more willing to eat things like grilled or stir-fried chicken or turkey burgers as opposed to grilled or stir-fried tofu and veggie burgers.  

I'm writing this after another failed attempt at dinner.  Tried a new dish in hopes that they'd like it:  it's a peanut sweet potato stew with kidney beans from Vegan Planet.  I tasted just a little and I think it's delicious especially with rice.  Initially, I was going to make sweet and spicy chili from the same cookbook but I already knew it would be a fail.

Photo credit

Saul Williams

Is one of my favorite spoken word artists.  Also, I loved him in "Girlfriends" as Lynn's celibate boyfriend.  :)

Saul Williams       (during a rap slam practice at the Portland Nationals) 

Whish-shhhh, whish- shhhh, whish- shhhh … 

If I could sample the wind I would loop it and 

let my life poem flow over its sacred beats. 

Using Kilamenjaro as my jembe I would drum rainbows 

out of the moonlight and use them as hooks in between verses. 

Verses of little girls spinning ropes in opposite directions 

waiting for an opening to jump in. 

As the world turns double dutch 

I jump double time over oceans and back 

the water waves and I wave back  

awakening echoes of sunshine, 

folks get ‘round in the sunshine, 

but the lightening FLASH three times and it’s time for the course 

which includes cornbread, candied yams, and all that good stuff, 

which black folks and Saturn are made of. 

As we approach the second verse 

the roots of trees are plucked from baselines 

which resonate and shake the earth 

devastating everything that’s not built in harmony in it. 

The second verse is a journey through the ruins 

of ruined souls that valued all that was nothing 

and nothing of the all-knowing, ever-flowing wind 

which is the undercurrent of this current 

blowing the funky drummer from here to eternity. 

But even as ruined souls back spin 

the wind mills forward and rocks steady till the sun 

hits the fader and the chorus kicks in then 

the moon yells, “Go!” and we all back spin, “Zulu!!” 

as the moonlight shines true blue silvery indigo light 

my spirit takes flight because the indigo moonlight is my endo, 

indigo, indigo-on-to-the-break-of-dawn, 

rock, rock steady steady to the early morn’, 

Word is born. 

I’m talking about seeing your nature 

in nature and nature in your nature, 

New York states of mind did not create ‘cha, 

neither ‘til you listen to rock hear mine care mine 

a rocky mountain top if you heard hip hop. 

It’s graduated urban an element that created it and 

let and open-wide countryside illustrate it. 

Riding in a freight train, listening to Coltrane 

my reality went insane and I think I saw Jesus. 

He was playing hop-scotch with Benny Carter 

who was cursing him out in a Scat-like gibberish 

for not saying, “Butterfingers.” 

And God created sand like seeds of time, 

the pains of man the frames of mind which built these frames 

which is the structure of my urban superstructure. 

The trains and planes could corrupt and obstruct 

your train of thought so that you forget how to walk through the woods,  

which ain’t good, ‘cause if you ain’t never walked through the trees 

listening to nobody beats the biz then you ain’t never heard hip hop. 

And it don’t stop and it don’t stop and it don’t, 

stop letting cities define you, confine you 

to that which is cement and brick. 

We are not a hard peoples. 

Our domes have been crowned with the likes of steeples. 

That which is our being soars with the eagles and 

the Johnathon Livingston Seagles. Yes. 

I got wings. 

You got wings. 

All got wings. All God wings. 

So let’s widen the circumference of our nest 

and escape this urban incubator. You see, 

the wind plays the world like an instrument, 

blows through trees like flutes, 

but trees don’t grow in cement. 

And as heartbeats bring percussion, 

fallen trees bring repercussions, 

cities play upon our souls like broken drums. 

We drum the essence of creation from city slums. 

But city slums mute our drums. 

And our drums become hum-drum ‘cause 

city slums have never been where are drums are from. 

Just the place where our daughters and sons 

become off-beat heartbeats, 

slaves to city streets, 

where hearts get broken and heartbeats stop. 

Broken heartbeats become break beats 

for niggers to rhyme on top. 

But they rhyme about – nothin’. 

They don’t got nothin’ to rhyme about 

‘cause you’ve never seen the moon, your styles 

can’t be universal if you’re not in tune with the 

whish- shhhh, whish- shhhh, whish- shhhh.  

Text found here

It seems that a teacher had used this to teach about literary devices.  I think that would be brilliant and I would have loved to study Williams work as student.  

Last Completed Project of 2010

The last project I completed in 2010:

I used a bulky acrylic (?) yarn someone gave me a while back.  I love the color (green is my absolute favorite color--all shades).  I used an "N" hook and this pattern.  It was a quick, easy project worked entirely with triple crochets around posts. I think it came out nicely.  The only problem:  I have no idea where, when or with what I'd actually wear it.  If you think you could rock it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.

I haven't really been focused on crocheting and knitting, at least not enough to purchase new yarns.  I'm just using up whatever is in my stash.  Maybe later on in the year, I'll get inspired.  I definitely want to try knitting myself a sweater with some luscious yarn and using an amazing pattern (suggestions welcome).  Maybe this is the  year for that.

Have you written down your goals?

One of my best friends and I are working on what we are calling, "Do Lists".  These are things that was need to do in this lifetime and we're not limiting it to 2010 although there are some things marked "urgent".  These things we'd like to see happen much sooner than later.

I'm not one to tell people how to go about keeping the promises they've made to themselves but I do believe this one thing: if you are serious about reaching your goals, you must write them down.  In detail.  Very specifically.  

So it's not, "I want to get fit".  No!  It's I want to

-be able to touch my toes

-jump rope for 30 seconds without stopping

-do 5 push ups

-run a mile in 15 minutes

It's not, "I want to have more friends" . . . it's I want:

-companions to knit with

-someone to cook with

-a book club to join that suits me

I think (and experience confirms) that this is the most effective way to achieve your goals.  Post your specific goals in highly visible places.  Or not.  Tuck it away in a diary or a book and refer to it periodically.  It makes such a difference to see what you are aiming for and to imagine it/visualize it happening as if it were happening.

"With our thoughts we make the world," said the Buddha.  I'm all about finding out if he spoke the truth.  And I'm starting with my list.  

Honey, I shrunk . . .

I went to the thrift store yesterday.  I needed to get out of the house.  I needed a break from the kids.  The thrift store was open . . . I went.  I found some great stuff too:

• a wool jacket for Z2
• a wool ear flap hat for Z1
• a wool turtleneck sweater for me (I'm getting back into turtlenecks after years of avoiding them because I had a "fluffier" bust)
• a pair of fleece pajamas for Z2
• a down filled Land's End vest (which would go nicely over the turtleneck sweater)
• a pillowcase I thought would fit my oddly shaped pillow (but won't)

I came home and tossed everything except the wool jacket and the pillowcase into the wash (I forgot the pillowcase).  I completely neglected to think about the water temperature and everything got washed on warm.  The wool ear flap hat and the sweater felted and shrunk.  I was crushed.  I still am.  I can't really place a finger on why it's bothering me so much.  I have accidentally felted things that I've made with my own hands and not been this upset.  I hope I get over it soon.

Meanwhile, I've been searching high and low for the second deck of the Kindergarten Brain Quest.  I don't know what the kids did with it but I do know I want to have a complete deck.  After days and days of searching and frustration, I'm just going to buy it again and relax about it.  After all, they have come out with a new edition.  I'm going to keep it out of their reach too.    Brain Quest is invaluable for long car rides and days when we are taking a break from the computer and the television.  I should never have left it in their room within their reach.

Maybe that's it . . . maybe it's a combination of things that is making me take the loss of the hat and sweater so badly.

Is it a sign that this is my first post of the year?  Something more upbeat later . .. 

The Fat Body (In)Visible

I really enjoyed this mini-documentary.  I was introduced to it by one of my favorite posters on Nappturality.

the fat body (in)visible from Margitte Kristjansson on Vimeo.

I think that there were so many valid points made.  And even though I've lost all the weight now, I can appreciate the message that we need to learn how to a) accept ourselves just the way we are and b) work hard and actively to change the prevalent ideas of who can be included as part of the "beautiful people).  Anyone who falls outside of these unrealistic beauty standards is subject to being invisible or being "the freak"--and even those who match the beauty standards to a tee eventually will not.  It's inevitable.

Anyway, I thought I'd share.

What's Your Style?

This question always throws me for a loop.  Right now, I don't think I really have a style.  My goal most days is to look neat.  When I go to work, I want to look professional enough to be taken seriously.  I don't have any pieces in my wardrobe that I would say point to my personal style.  I had a style at one point.  It was kind of an Earth-mother, natural sista style complete with head wrap and long, flowing skirt.  I liked to wear buttons a lot too . . .  

But as I got older, had children, started to conceive of God in a different way, gave up the fight to grow locks, settled into the job of at-home mom, I became a lot more conservative about the way I dress and accessorize.  And I realized that I have always been on the more conservative side--even when I was rocking the Earth-mother style.  I never rocked huge ankh rings or other really obvious jewelry or clothing.  I'd wear a daishiki or other African-inspired print but usually just as accents.  I kind of always just wanted to blend in and not call attention to myself.  I think most people who are fashionable do so because they're comfortable being the center or attention.  I'm just not.

It's just funny that I considered myself a radical person for so long but now that I think about it, I've always been more conservative in my  dress and in my way of being.  It's just so funny when one realizes that they're just not as revolutionary as they suppose.  Or else they would have just done the dang thing already . . .

No real point to this post.  Just kind of rambling.  It was inspired by this jewelry that a sistren of mine introduced me to.  Very beautiful but I can't imagine wearing anything other than a ring to a very special occasion.  I like the fact that the jewelry is made from healing/energetic stones.  More than likely, knowing me, I'd purchase a stone with a certain quality but wear it inside where no one could see it.  Although I'd like to think I am hip enough to wear some of the other pieces comfortably and confidently, it just ain't so.  

Holiday Craftiness

Okay, so maybe not all that crafty.  After all, the candle rolling kit I bought is still sitting there untouched.  But I did bake up a storm!  This year I went with banana walnut bread and baked 7 loaves in total.  I also baked a dozen chocolate chip cookies for my sister.  The wrapping materials were all courtesy of the dollar store.  So the top picture is how I presented the loaves (with sparkling pomegranate juice from Costco--6 bottles for $8-$9) and the bottom picture is of the cookies (although by the time I got to take a picture, my sister had already opened it!).  I think that everything came out to about $30 maximum--Costco and Trader Joe's made that very easy.

This is my approach to the holidays--baking for people.  People love to eat and there's something so nice about a slice of homemade bread slathered with butter.  Hopefully as the boys get bigger, they can participate more and we can bake even more for those we love.  Another thing: this year I was moved to bake a loaf for our neighbors.  Recently, their son has been coming to play with Z1 and he's really a sweet kid.  So I used that little bit of connection as my opening to maybe make us more neighborly.  It's so disturbing to me that we live in such close proximity to people and don't even know their names.  I'm hoping this bit of holiday baking will go a long way.   

Too Fast!!

I am, by nature, a very impatient person.  I am also not a procrastinator.  I like to get things out of the way.  As quickly as possible.  I call it efficiency, that is, getting things done.  But, as most everyone can attest, when you increase efficiency, you have to sacrifice something.  For businesses, what's first to go is quality (especially in the customer service department).  In my personal life, most of the time what goes is thoroughness.  Things get done well enough.  Not perfectly.  It's the complete opposite of the hubby who takes forever to do things but does them with careful attention to detail.  As a busy mom though, sometimes efficiency is just what is needed.  I simply can't take a long time to do everything I have to do or else the stuff just wouldn't get done.  

But there is one area that I really need to focus on:  my eating.  Like everything else I do, I eat fast.  I mean, I inhale my meals.  Mealtime is over in about five minutes, generally speaking.  Yes, because of Weight Watchers, I spend time to plan out what I eat but the actual eating is a blur.  To compound the program, I usually like to read a magazine or a book while I eat.  No matter how spectacular the meal, it's over before I can really enjoy it.  To achieve efficiency, I sacrifice my enjoyment of eating, my observance and appreciation of the finer points of cuisine and, perhaps most detrimental, complete and thorough mastication.  

I'm trying to change this.  I am determined in this new year to really learn how to savor and enjoy food.  I realize that eating fast affects how well I can digest food (and my digestive issues are what caused me to start thinking that how I eat is probably just as important as what I eat).  I'm trying to not do anything else but eat at mealtimes.  No computer, books or magazines.  I would like to make my eating a practice in meditation.  This means becoming more consistent with offering thanks at the beginning and end of each meal.  This means really being mindful of what I'm eating and how I'm eating and what it feels like the whole time.  I want to really enjoy my food and stop eating for efficiency, i.e. just to get it over with and move on to the next "task".  I want to recoup all the sacrifices I have made in the name of efficiency when it comes to eating.  

Mindful Eating

Photo Credit 

Bikram Yoga!

I finally got around to taking a Bikram Yoga class today and I think I am in love.  I'd heard folks gush (and gush and gush) about classes and insist that once I took one class I'd be hooked.  Well, let's just put it this way:  I am trying to move my schedule every which way to see how I could fit in my next class.  

I really can't think of any cons about this yoga style. There was so much I loved and that vibed with me.  I loved the style of the teacher.  It's kind of detached and no-nonsense. There's no joking.  No miscellaneous talking.  No doing one side then [the teacher] getting distracted and forgetting to do the other.  The teacher doesn't demonstrate the poses but she gives a lot of detail about what should be happening in each pose.  The teacher also doesn't adjust you.  The heat and humidity really agreed with me: my sinuses opened up without me doing a thing and I could breathe fully and deeply and it was not uncomfortable for me.  The only other time I enjoy such free breathing is when I'm running but running feels like so much more effort.  It was so amazing: I'd do the postures which are not all that active (no jumping into positions or fast sun-salutations) and when I'd get into savasana (which was often) my heart would be pumping as if I was running.  Typically, after the yoga class I've been attending on Thursdays, I go for a run because the hour-long yoga practice really didn't feel like exercise at all.  So I'd do the yoga and then go exercise.  No so with Bikram.  It felt like yoga, i.e. the connection and getting into my body but it also felt like exercise.  I like the fact that I could learn the whole sequence of poses and still be challenged and engaged.  One of my biggest issues with yoga has been that I get distracted and my mind wanders.  Not so with Bikram.  The only thing I think I missed what the cueing about when to breathe in and breathe out.  I also got quite nauseous during Pose 11 and 12 but the teacher warned that beginners to the practice may get nauseous or dizzy.  I just sat out those poses and then jumped back in when I felt ready.

It was just a very cleansing experience overall and I really enjoyed it.  I did not want to get up from my final relaxation.  

Photo Credit

I don't want to speak too soon

And jinx myself.

But I think I finally know what is the cause of the stomach/gut problems I have been experiencing all these years: beans.

If nothing else, eating a wheat free diet these past weeks has forced me to really focus on my eating and how I feel after I eat a particular meal.  I noticed that typically after every meal, I'd feel bad.  Sometimes worse than others.  So I had started to suspect that wheat was not the culprit since I had not felt even a tiny bit better after cutting it out.  I started to suspect beans.  Yesterday, I didn't eat any beans at all.  No tofu.  No hummus.  No bean anything.  In other words, I had to rearrange everything I ate yesterday to exclude beans and that was actually more difficult than excluding wheat.  Three-fourths of my diet centers on beans.  

So I didn't eat it yesterday.  And I felt amazing yesterday and I continue to feel amazing now.  My stomach is settled.  I'm not in pain.  

I kind of feel a little foolish for not realizing it sooner but I had always prepped my beans properly (well soaked and cooked with kombu).  And I'd never heard anyone complain of gas associated with eating tofu or soy milk so I didn't think that could be part of the problem (although I did eliminate soy at one point to see if it was making my hair thin).

Now I have to really re-vamp my whole diet and I'm a little daunted.  See, I don't really know how to cook any other way besides vegetarian. I eat fish but it is really just as an aside:  a baked salmon fillet or some canned tuna added to a salad (that probably has beans in it).  I searched some books I have and also on the internet and came up with some recipes for raw burgers and hummus-like dips made with seeds or nuts but my intuition is telling me that this is it for me and a mainly-plant based diet.  I'm going to return to eating meat.  Of course, I have lots of standards for whatever meat I will eat and as my fortune would have it, I met a great mama a few weeks ago who runs a buying co-op.  The co-op sells all kinds of meat, milk, eggs and other groceries raised and produced at a farm nearby.  So I'm able to purchase high quality animal products (not fed soy) in a relatively inconvenient  way (pick-up is not far).  I'm not exactly sure where to start first in terms of cooking it but I figure that I can start by just adding chicken, turkey or beef to dishes where I would have used beans.  And then go from there.  Like Monday's dinner was sweet and spicy chili from Vegan Planet.  It tore my stomach up!  But I could cook the chili and before I add the beans, take out half or so to another pot and add some browned turkey or beef.  And then with the remaining half, add half the amount of beans.  

Sometimes I feel so stupid for going down the road of vegetarianism and staying on it even though I just felt worse and worse and worse as I continued.  I really wanted to be healthy but I got some micro-focused on this one way of "healthy" eating that I ignored the fact that it hasn't been healthy for me.    Yes, I had allergies and acne and all that . . . I really believed that a vegan/vegetarian/plant based diet would heal me.  Instead, I still have all that stuff and more complexities added on to it.  

I think about the spiritual aspects as well and I have to be completely honest:  not eating animals has never made me feel any closer to God or any more spiritual or connected.  I guess it's kind of hard to get connected when your gut feels like it's going to explode or something.  I actually feel that eating in a way that doesn't cause me to feel sick is the most compassionate thing I can do for myself . . . but I'm not sure how to align compassion on myself with compassion on the animals that have to die in order for me to eat.  The very least I can do is to make sure that the animals I do eat had decent lives and were killed as humanely as possible.  

It just amazes me sometimes how the ideals I had in my early twenties have just not matched up to my reality.  And it's taken this long to finally be okay with letting go and accepting what is.  

Wheat-Free Oatmeal Waffles and Weight Watchers Update

I'm still giving this wheat-free diet a try.  This coming Tuesday will mark 2 weeks that I've, to the best of my ability, avoided wheat.  Usually on Sundays we have pancakes and since I can't have my regular pancakes, I've been making wheat-free oatmeal waffles.  I googled and came up with a bunch of hits.  I combined 2 or 3 recipes to make up this one.  

Wheat-Free Oatmeal Waffles

Start by heating up your waffle iron.  You will need

1 1/2 cup rolled oats

1/2 cup almonds

1 medium banana

2 cups water

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1/8 teaspoon ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 tablespoon sugar or maple syrup

1/2 teaspoon oil

Put everything in the blender and run it till smooth.  Spray your waffle iron with cooking spray, pour about a 1/2 cup of batter in and cook for about 8 minutes.  You should come up with 4 waffles.  

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The waffles are really good.  I still have my tempeh bacon (which I marinated for the first time yesterday--they were awesome!) with them except I make sure to use wheat-free soy sauce.  By the way, the tempeh bacon recipe comes from You Won't Believe it's Vegan.

As for Weight Watchers . . . perhaps the best thing about WW is that it is adaptable to any diet: raw, wheat-free, vegan, macrobiotic, whatever.  Recently they changed the program saying that this new one accounts for new research discoveries--and it does seem to accommodate diets that have more fruit in it.  This new program assigns 0 points to fruit whereas with the old program, fruit was 1-2 points depending on the type of fruit.  I've spent this whole year that I was on WW diligently tracking my fruits and treating them with respect.  I don't eat 2 bananas a day (because that was 3 points) although before WW I would have without giving it a second thought.  In fact, all points are calculated differently (in some cases points values are higher) but you're allotted more points daily.  

I'm not one for change especially if something is working. I'm skeptical about the new program and I've considered canceling my account with them.  But I have to say that tracking what I eat with WW E-tools has kind of become a way of life for me.  I have tons of recipes on there and it's something I use every day.  In fact, I keep the window open all day long and sometimes plan out my whole week of eating.  

I realize that WW is a business and they have to change things up every so often to a) attract new customers and b) keep profits high (by keeping people from figuring out how to do WW without paying) so I can't fault them too much.  We weren't given a choice in the matter (i.e. the choice to stick with the old program or switch to the new) and so I have to get with the new plan (or quit altogether).  That in and of itself was really maddening but, I mean, if I just stick to what I've been doing more or less, I expect my weight to stay the same.  I am trying not to let the different point values change anything. I'm also thinking about using SparkPeople since they also have a recipe tracker and all that and it's free.  However, I'm comfortable with WW and I don't really feel like changing even though I fork over $12 a month to them.  

I have to admit:  when I woke up one morning and found that they had changed everything, I went into a sort of panic.  Like I said, tracking has become part of my life.  It really upset me that they had changed things.  I immediately considered canceling.  After all, I've lost the weight and I have a pretty good idea of how to eat to keep it off.  I think.  I'm not totally confident though and I like having the support of an online tracker to help me keep it visual and to keep a record.  I wish, though, that wisdom about eating were more intuitive to me.  I mean, all around not just with WW.  The WW change made me realize all too intensely that I don't know exactly what to eat to feel good and healthy. There are so many camps with different ideas about what to eat and I am willing to try different things but honestly, it's challenging.  And I seem to have no internal direction about what would make me feel good and what to eat (and how much to eat) to stay this size.  So I just keep trying this and trying that and having to rely on outside things like WW  . . . psychologically, that doesn't feel right at all.  But it's something that I think many of us struggle with since we are so disconnected from food production and traditional ways of preparing and eating foods.  We're at the mercy of those who say, "Eat this and not that."  It's all very . . . disconcerting.  

Anyway, I wanted to share that recipe and how I'm feeling about the new Weight Watchers.