It was painful but not so painful that I wouldn't go ahead and get the rest of the tattoos I want. In fact, I'm thinking of repeating the pattern all around my leg to form a cuff. I probably will do that but just this one alone cost $50 and it would need to be repeated about 4 more times I think.
I almost got my piercings too but it was busy at the shop yesterday. It turned out to be just as well since I'm always wearing hats right now. The friction between the hat and the brand new piercings would surely have been a painful affair. So I'll just wait until the summer.
The mentality of scarcity is something that creeps up on me. I try to cultivate this feeling of abundance by being really grateful for all it is I have. But I think in these difficult economic times, where all the reports keep repeating how bad it is and how much worse it's getting, it's easy to slip into a mode of thinking that says that there couldn't possibly be enough or there won't be enough.
I started thinking really deeply about this the other day because of two things. Firstly, my knife. You know I feel like a good, sharp knife is perhaps the most important tool in the kitchen. Yet, I am always hesitant to sharpen my knife. The other day I really took a moment to think about why. I realized that deep inside, I don't want to sharpen it because I'm trying to prolong the life of it since it was such an expensive knife (by my standards). Now, there's nothing wrong with trying to get the most out of something especially when you've paid good money for it. Except if you are depriving yourself of enjoying that very thing, it kind of defeats the purpose.
Secondly, my running gloves. These too were also a pretty big chunk of change for me. The fact of the matter is that they are very good gloves under my wool mittens because they have a wind-breaking hood and actually keep my hands moderately warm so I can do things like unlock the door or strap my children into car seats. But I found myself making the decision not to wear them, again, to prolong their life. So I find myself with frosty fingers (my hands are always cold) wondering why I don't just always wear the dang running gloves.
I figured out that the underlying thought process is that should the knife go dull or the gloves fray or get a hole, I won't be able to replace them. That kind of thinking only increases my chances that this will indeed be the case. So I'm actively looking for ways and working on methods to let go of this fear, to live in in the present and enjoy what I have now to the fullest.
Does the scarcity mentality ever creep up on you? How do you put it to rest?
I'm 29 years old which is relatively young, I think. Yet, I feel old. And most of the time people will add 5-10 years to my actual age and be quite surprised when I tell them how old I really am. I don't think it's that I look particularly old (although I do have gray hair already). I think it's more so my energy and approach to things.
To a large extent, I have always felt much older than my true age. This is due to two things: my personality and birth order. In terms of my personality, I am naturally serious and focused. One of my biggest challenges with having my own children is being able to relax and play--to do activities that don't have a particular goal or aim except fun. Not being able to just have fun will make you feel old and age you. In terms of my birth order, I'm the eldest of three children and growing up, my parents expected me to be more responsible and to help out with my little sister and brother. Again, I felt there was very little room for me to be playful and silly and so my natural inclination to be "grown up" was reinforced.
The other day, I was at the thrift store and I spotted the cutest little pink earflap hat with a big, old pom-pom at the top. I really wanted to get it but I told myself I was too old to wear something so silly and childish. Luckily, by the time I convinced myself that I wasn't too old and went back to get it, it was still there (for the handsome price of $1.00). I bought it, fixed a little of the crochet edgings that had come lose, washed it and then tried it on. I'll admit, I felt kind of silly but I still really like it. So whatever, I wear it. And it gives me a "youth" jolt.
For the longest time, I have wanted to cut my hair into a mohawk. I knew it would look good on me and would complement my face but the same tape about being too old kept playing back in my head. On Sunday, I just decided to do it. I'm having all kinds of anxious thoughts about how it will be received at work and in general but . . . I just need to give it a try. I need to liberate myself from this idea of being too old for things. I'm only 29 for goodness sake. And you are only as old as you think you are.
I'm never one to jump on that bandwagon of bashing women in their 40s and 50s who are "trying to look young". I mean, I guess there are clothes and makeup that are not appropriate for everyone but who are we to dictate what someone is "too old" for? I can't stand all these boxes we try to force people to fit into based on their sex, gender, age, race, religion, etc.
And I can't stand that mentally, I've been putting myself in a box. I'm really making an effort to break out and not limit myself based on some useless idea of being too old. I mean, there are good reasons to understand and appreciate one's age. You don't want to keep repeating the mistakes of your youth. You want to grow in wisdom and understanding. You don't want to stagnate at some juvenile mental age. But at the same time, you don't want to stagnate at some older age and become a person who can't change, who won't take risks, who won't experiment because you're "too old for that."
Again, it comes back to the whole challenge of finding balance. And it is a daily, moment-by-moment exercise.
The first time I tried sushi was maybe a year ago. I don't know . . . I'm picky and it didn't seem like something I would like. But at my sister's encouragement, I gave it a try and it turns out, I just love sushi. Now granted, I've only been brave enough to try vegetable sushi rolls but maybe one day I will branch out. Right now, the vegetable ones are all I need.
Some local markets around here have sushi chefs who make fresh sushi (with brown rice) daily. It's really delicious but at $7 a tray (8 rolls), it's kind of expensive. In Chinatown, all the way downtown, you can get really, really good freshly made sushi for $3 a tray (6 rolls) but they use white rice exclusively. Since it's not something we have often, I do get it if we're down there but it's way too far to go for regularly.
So, I thought I'd give it a try at home. Trying to do it freeform was kind of a disaster so I purchased the Sushezi. I've only used it once but it didn't come out as well as I'd hoped. I didn't realize I had to do something to the rice (aside from boil it) and I certainly didn't get the hang of rolling them on the first try. They tasted all right . . . the fact of the matter is we like nori, we like carrots, we like cucumbers and we like rice all on their own merits. However which way they come together, we'll probably like the combination.
Anyway, I'll probably give it another shot this coming Saturday. I'm going to use this recipe and let you know how it turns out.
Many houses on the street I live on do not have driveways. So even though we reside on this block, we have to contend with others for street parking. This is especially difficult because we are just one block from the commuter train station and many people park here and go to work (instead of paying to park in the lot). Also, we are just one block from the library, the post office and a municipal building (the one that handles social services). It can sometimes be a real fight to get a parking space especially on Monday and Tuesday when alternate side of the street parking is in effect. And most especially now when there are 4 and 5 foot high piles of snow stacked everywhere.
The other day when it snowed, the hubby and almost all our neighbors were out there shoveling walkways and digging their cars out of the snow. There was a real camaraderie. Most people when they moved their cars to drive out started putting safety cones, garbage cans, bins, anything really, to hold their space. I felt funny about doing it initially but I really had no choice. There is no parking and I could end up having to park blocks and blocks away if I didn't make sure to put a place holder. So I've been doing it too and it's been a tremendous help. I'm usually bringing in groceries or other goods or juggling my kids and their stuff. The weather has been terrible and it just makes it so much easier that I don't have to park as far as a bus ride away.
People have been respecting the place holders and that has been a great relief to me, I have to say. People have understood our struggle and have honored the fact that we live on this block and dug it out. Up until yesterday.
We had a playdate and we were supposed to go to my friend's house. The roads were still pretty bad so the hubby was to take my Subaru to work. I thought we wouldn't be able to have the playdate but then I realized she could just park in my space. She'd be gone long before the hubby came home. Great plan and I was relieved that we'd have some company.
Almost immediately after the hubby left, my niece calls me to say that someone was in my spot. I didn't worry because I figured it was my friend's Honda Odyssey. I looked out the window and it was an Infinity coupe that didn't belong to anyone who lived on this block. The owner had moved my place holder. The only reason he chose my space was because, unlike my neighbors, I only placed one safety cone. My neighbors had 2 or 3 large garbage cans or bins to hold their space.
I looked around to see if maybe it was just someone who'd come to drop something off but there was no one around. I got upset. It would have been okay if I didn't have my friend coming because I was sure the person would be gone at least by 6 (because either they went to the city on the commuter train, to the library, to the post office or to the social services building--all of which closed by 6) so my husband would have a place to park my car when he got home at least. But right then, I was kind of stuck as my friend was on her way.
I wrote a note. A polite but strongly worded note about being considerate of the fact that we put so much work into clearing the snow and putting the marker in and that we live on this block. I taped it to his car with far more tape than was necessary and even put a piece of tape on his car door handle and side view mirror (I was frustrated). I still had my friend come and we parked her car in the space next to mine, moving my neighbor's place markers. I left a note in my friend's car with my number so that if my neighbor came home, we'd cut the playdate short and she'd move the car. (Yes, we'd have to cut the playdate short--there is NO parking.)
The owner of the Infinity came back about an hour or so into the playdate. He took the note I left on his car, tore into about 8 pieces and stuck it in various places all over my friend's car. About an hour after that, he called me to yell at me telling me that it's illegal to put place markers on a public street (yes, he actually took the time to take down my number so that he could call me to tell me about myself). When I went to help my friend to the car, I realized that he had come back and taken my place marker (a safety cone) and one of my neighbor's placer markers (his garbage can). I guess he thought my neighbor's placer marker was mine also.
This experience really made an impression on me and the way people are these days. I couldn't believe that he went through such lengths over a note left by someone who clearly frustrated at having their spot "stolen". I can understand that maybe there was an emergency or he was late for an appointment and really desperately needed parking. I can't understand how this person couldn't understand the desperation we face to the point that we have to pull our car out of the space, get out and put a place marker so we don't lose the spot. We don't do this under normal circumstances. I thought he would have called me and explained that he was in a difficult situation and just needed to park quickly and he was sorry for the inconvenience. I realize, though, that what I would do is not what others would do and I can't expect others to behave the way I would. I also am coming to the realization that many people these days are really, really self-centered and refuse to think about other folks situation. My friend's car is a mini-van. The Infinity owner thought it was mine. It's feasible that I had four or five kids I would have had to juggle out the car and get into the house--and he took one of the very few spaces available. (((sigh)))
I know we had no lawful claim to the space. But this is not about the law or justice to me. It's about compassion and thinking of others.
I'm really tired of fighting for street parking. It's difficult to get the kids to the car safely. On alternate side of the street parking days, I can't go anywhere in the morning before 12. Some days I come home and there is just no parking for whatever reason and only a handful of the cars belong to people who live here. There's the issue of snow. And my town does not enforce the two-hour parking signs that are up (another town further north handles this by issuing "Resident" stickers to people who live there so they are exempt from the two-hour rule).
We have space on our property for a driveway. Once spring comes, I'm going to really have to look into what we need to do to get it put in. I'm sure we have to get some permits and file paperwork and all that. That's the hardest part. Then we have to find someone to do the work and given our history contractors (we're currently being sued by a sub-contractor who put in our new roof who was hired by the contractor we signed the contract with), that will probably be pretty difficult too. And then there's the cost.
So what do you think about the situation? Whose side would you have been on? The Infinity owner's or mine?
I needed to focus on something else beside snow. So I started a fitness blog. I'm really excited about it for two reasons. First, I love to write about my fitness journey. Secondly, I really hate cluttering up this blog with fitness (essentially making it a fitness blog). I already have a whole bunch of ideas about what I want to write and do with the blog. And it's an excellent outlet for me and something wonderful to focus on. So if you are interested, it's called The Daily Strive.
Whenever I read or hear that someone has been married 20 years or more my heart jumps a little. I don't know how people do it. I mean, I know how people do it: one day at a time, one week at a time, one month a time, one year at a time. But it's daunting to think of such a long span of time. And it really doesn't help that I don't personally know a couple that has been together that long or, rather, been together that long happily. That's really scary. Really, really scary.
I so wish I did have that example. I wish I did have someone who has been there, done that, to talk to. A person who I could fully trust, who could empathize and offer sound, balanced advice. What I find is that I have to protect and safeguard my marriage. I have to keep things very private because people don't understand. They don't have the experience to understand. And they don't get that I don't want them to be on "my" side. So I end up not talking much about issues in my marriage that are bothering me or that are problematic or that I can't see a solution to. Except for sometimes when I post on a message board. But that always seems . . . impersonal and you can never convey fully what the situation entails and exactly how everyone feels. Plus, it's a whole bunch of strangers who don't know you anyway.
So on my 7th anniversary, I have to acknowledge that marriage is perhaps the most difficult thing I've ever done. It's bittersweet. On the one hand, we made it! And we made it through a whole lot of nonsense and obstacles at that! And we have a good, solid happy marriage and we still fundamentally like each other and genuinely love each other. On the other, I get weary sometimes and wonder how to keep making it. I struggle sometimes with the feeling that I sacrificed my 20s at the altar of marriage thinking it was an alternative, and obvious/wise choice and an investment. But I can't always gauge the return or if there will be one. I hope so though. I believe so.
I'm not the happiest I could possibly be but I'm not the most miserable. I'm pretty happy. And I am honest with myself in saying that my marriage is not what is keeping me from being totally and completely happy. Whatever that means (what it means to be happy and how to be happy is the subject of many a book . . . no one seems to really know the answer).
I feel fortunate to have found this book though: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I'm getting through it slowly, reading from it for five minutes daily at my altar. I've already gained a lot of insight. I hope more useful resources like this keep coming my way because in my heart of hearts, I want to make it to 20 years and much, much further.
My children do not like to eat very many things. They don't like tofu. They don't like any bean or any dish that a bean is in. Z1 will tolerate burritos or tacos made with black beans but not Z2. They both will tolerate split pea soup but not without some serious cajoling. It seems all they want to eat are fish sticks, broccoli, pizza, grilled cheese, or macaroni and cheese, and yogurt (but Z1 not so much). It drives me crazy because I think they eat too much cheese but it's what they like. And granted, the cheese I give them comes from grass-fed cows and all that but still . . .
So I don't know. I'm feeling totally better after switching back to an all-out omnivorous diet. I have not given the kids any chicken, turkey or beef. My idea was that they could decide later on if they wanted to eat those things. But I don't know now. They're growing fine and are hitting all their milestones. I'd say they are well-nourished but I worry and I wonder would they be more willing to eat things like grilled or stir-fried chicken or turkey burgers as opposed to grilled or stir-fried tofu and veggie burgers.
I'm writing this after another failed attempt at dinner. Tried a new dish in hopes that they'd like it: it's a peanut sweet potato stew with kidney beans from Vegan Planet. I tasted just a little and I think it's delicious especially with rice. Initially, I was going to make sweet and spicy chili from the same cookbook but I already knew it would be a fail.
It seems that a teacher had used this to teach about literary devices. I think that would be brilliant and I would have loved to study Williams work as student.
I used a bulky acrylic (?) yarn someone gave me a while back. I love the color (green is my absolute favorite color--all shades). I used an "N" hook and this pattern. It was a quick, easy project worked entirely with triple crochets around posts. I think it came out nicely. The only problem: I have no idea where, when or with what I'd actually wear it. If you think you could rock it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you.
I haven't really been focused on crocheting and knitting, at least not enough to purchase new yarns. I'm just using up whatever is in my stash. Maybe later on in the year, I'll get inspired. I definitely want to try knitting myself a sweater with some luscious yarn and using an amazing pattern (suggestions welcome). Maybe this is the year for that.
One of my best friends and I are working on what we are calling, "Do Lists". These are things that was need to do in this lifetime and we're not limiting it to 2010 although there are some things marked "urgent". These things we'd like to see happen much sooner than later.
I'm not one to tell people how to go about keeping the promises they've made to themselves but I do believe this one thing: if you are serious about reaching your goals, you must write them down. In detail. Very specifically.
So it's not, "I want to get fit". No! It's I want to
-be able to touch my toes
-jump rope for 30 seconds without stopping
-do 5 push ups
-run a mile in 15 minutes
It's not, "I want to have more friends" . . . it's I want:
-companions to knit with
-someone to cook with
-a book club to join that suits me
I think (and experience confirms) that this is the most effective way to achieve your goals. Post your specific goals in highly visible places. Or not. Tuck it away in a diary or a book and refer to it periodically. It makes such a difference to see what you are aiming for and to imagine it/visualize it happening as if it were happening.
"With our thoughts we make the world," said the Buddha. I'm all about finding out if he spoke the truth. And I'm starting with my list.
I went to the thrift store yesterday. I needed to get out of the house. I needed a break from the kids. The thrift store was open . . . I went. I found some great stuff too:
a wool jacket for Z2
a wool ear flap hat for Z1
a wool turtleneck sweater for me (I'm getting back into turtlenecks after years of avoiding them because I had a "fluffier" bust)
a pair of fleece pajamas for Z2
a down filled Land's End vest (which would go nicely over the turtleneck sweater)
a pillowcase I thought would fit my oddly shaped pillow (but won't)
I came home and tossed everything except the wool jacket and the pillowcase into the wash (I forgot the pillowcase). I completely neglected to think about the water temperature and everything got washed on warm. The wool ear flap hat and the sweater felted and shrunk. I was crushed. I still am. I can't really place a finger on why it's bothering me so much. I have accidentally felted things that I've made with my own hands and not been this upset. I hope I get over it soon.
Meanwhile, I've been searching high and low for the second deck of the Kindergarten Brain Quest. I don't know what the kids did with it but I do know I want to have a complete deck. After days and days of searching and frustration, I'm just going to buy it again and relax about it. After all, they have come out with a new edition. I'm going to keep it out of their reach too. Brain Quest is invaluable for long car rides and days when we are taking a break from the computer and the television. I should never have left it in their room within their reach.
Maybe that's it . . . maybe it's a combination of things that is making me take the loss of the hat and sweater so badly.
Is it a sign that this is my first post of the year? Something more upbeat later . ..
I think that there were so many valid points made. And even though I've lost all the weight now, I can appreciate the message that we need to learn how to a) accept ourselves just the way we are and b) work hard and actively to change the prevalent ideas of who can be included as part of the "beautiful people). Anyone who falls outside of these unrealistic beauty standards is subject to being invisible or being "the freak"--and even those who match the beauty standards to a tee eventually will not. It's inevitable.
This question always throws me for a loop. Right now, I don't think I really have a style. My goal most days is to look neat. When I go to work, I want to look professional enough to be taken seriously. I don't have any pieces in my wardrobe that I would say point to my personal style. I had a style at one point. It was kind of an Earth-mother, natural sista style complete with head wrap and long, flowing skirt. I liked to wear buttons a lot too . . .
But as I got older, had children, started to conceive of God in a different way, gave up the fight to grow locks, settled into the job of at-home mom, I became a lot more conservative about the way I dress and accessorize. And I realized that I have always been on the more conservative side--even when I was rocking the Earth-mother style. I never rocked huge ankh rings or other really obvious jewelry or clothing. I'd wear a daishiki or other African-inspired print but usually just as accents. I kind of always just wanted to blend in and not call attention to myself. I think most people who are fashionable do so because they're comfortable being the center or attention. I'm just not.
It's just funny that I considered myself a radical person for so long but now that I think about it, I've always been more conservative in my dress and in my way of being. It's just so funny when one realizes that they're just not as revolutionary as they suppose. Or else they would have just done the dang thing already . . .
No real point to this post. Just kind of rambling. It was inspired by this jewelry that a sistren of mine introduced me to. Very beautiful but I can't imagine wearing anything other than a ring to a very special occasion. I like the fact that the jewelry is made from healing/energetic stones. More than likely, knowing me, I'd purchase a stone with a certain quality but wear it inside where no one could see it. Although I'd like to think I am hip enough to wear some of the other pieces comfortably and confidently, it just ain't so.
Okay, so maybe not all that crafty. After all, the candle rolling kit I bought is still sitting there untouched. But I did bake up a storm! This year I went with banana walnut bread and baked 7 loaves in total. I also baked a dozen chocolate chip cookies for my sister. The wrapping materials were all courtesy of the dollar store. So the top picture is how I presented the loaves (with sparkling pomegranate juice from Costco--6 bottles for $8-$9) and the bottom picture is of the cookies (although by the time I got to take a picture, my sister had already opened it!). I think that everything came out to about $30 maximum--Costco and Trader Joe's made that very easy.
This is my approach to the holidays--baking for people. People love to eat and there's something so nice about a slice of homemade bread slathered with butter. Hopefully as the boys get bigger, they can participate more and we can bake even more for those we love. Another thing: this year I was moved to bake a loaf for our neighbors. Recently, their son has been coming to play with Z1 and he's really a sweet kid. So I used that little bit of connection as my opening to maybe make us more neighborly. It's so disturbing to me that we live in such close proximity to people and don't even know their names. I'm hoping this bit of holiday baking will go a long way.
I hope you enjoy my musings that I share with you here on my blog. If you would like to use any written content on my blog, please ask and/or reference my blog correctly. Thank you.
