"What kind of mother lets her child do that?"

In two months, Z1 will be four years old. Recently, he has been refusing to sit in the double stroller when we are walking.  He'll unstrap himself and hop out while I'm pushing or just generally pitch a fit if I insist he stays in there.   Now, he defers to reason most of the time--like if it's raining and he doesn't want to get wet (because the stroller has a rain cover).  But ordinarily, he would rather walk or more accurately, run, i.e. not hold my hand.  Now, I've tried the harness buddy but he just pulls at it until I realize I feel like I'm trying to restrain a puppy.  He really just wants some freedom.

I don't have a problem with that.  I've laid down some ground rules for him.

1. When I say stop, he has to stop on the dime.  I usually tell him to stop before he gets to an active driveway or to the corner/end of the sidewalk.
2. He stays a certain distance in front of me (he can never be behind me).
3. In busy areas or to cross the street he has to hold my hand or get into the stroller.
4. Stay as far away from the curb as possible.  

Z1 is a little guy with boundless energy and what I've found is that giving him that little freedom to run it off really, really helps him.  (It also helps that, bless his soul, he is not a fast runner.  In fact, I like to joke that he looks like he's pretending to run when he's in fact running full speed--not to his hearing of course!)  What I've also found is how much society frowns on everything.  I can't tell you how many folks say to him, "Wait for your mother" when I'm not shouting or screaming at him to wait for me.  Others say, "Hold his hand . . . it's too dangerous."

Now, I'll admit there's some risk to letting him walk on his own but really the biggest risk is him running out into the street.  But we've really covered the dangers of the street and how to cross a street safely and furthermore, the condition of him walking is that he stops when I say stop.  And I say stop well before he gets to the street corner to let momentum catch up.  He has always stopped.  There might be a time in the future when I tell him to stop and he won't stop but I'm guessing it's the kid who's been forced to hold mom's hand all the time that will go buck wild and run into the street at his first opportunity.  

Anyway, it's quite hilarious to me that so many folks have things to say.  Z2 is still in the stroller so usually I'm pushing him and letting Zion do his thing. I generally take the double stroller just in case Z1 gets tired or something.  When Z1 is riding in the stroller, it's endless comments about how he's just too big to be in a stroller--that he should be walking.   Even the harness buddy garnered me some commentary and nasty looks ("Just let him walk").  (((big eye roll here)))  What exactly do  you people want from me?  Leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the other day, I dropped into the health food store just to get a patty for Z1.  It was raining and the rain cover was over the stroller (both children were in the stroller).  A woman walks in, "You know, that's very dangerous--you should take the plastic off or they could suffocate."  Really?  So I'm putting my kids in mortal danger here?  Wow . . . Z1 is almost 4 and can take the damn cover off himself.   Z2 constantly peels apart the velcro that seals the cover to peek out at me and smile--he doesn't seem to mind getting wet doing it either.  

I'm not really sure what the expectation is but as a mother, I know that everyone thinks they know and you don't.  I know people say they want to help but no, I don't think that's really true.   Maybe I'm just a cynic but I think folks just love to feel superior to someone else any chance they get.  "I would never let my child do that" and "What kind of mother does that?"  I get it.  We all judge.  But in the arena of raising kids, it seems to be a judgment free-for-all.  

Maybe if my town had a decent playground to walk to, I'd have a different take on the matter.  I know Z1 would agree to hold my hand for 10 minutes if it meant 45 to 60 minutes of free play but that's not the reality.  We walk around town for pleasure and for exercise and I just can't see how it's fair to make a 4 year old boy hold my hand all.the.time.   

Anyway, I'm always self-reflective on what I allow my kids to do and why I'm insistent on some things and lenient on others. In this instance, I think we'll keep things the way they are.   

Photo Credit:  "I want to hold your hand" by Matt McGee on Flickr.com

Feathers and Fools

by Mem Fox, was found by yours truly at the thrift store for $0.49 today.

I have had this book on my Amazon.com wishlist for eons and finally!!!  It is a masterfully written children's book with an important theme that applies to everyone--not just kids.  Even if you don't buy it, borrow it from the library.  Check it out and read reviews here.  

May He Rest in Peace

Many folks have had insightful things to say about the passing of The Gloved One and there is indeed so much to say:

My Tribute to Michael Jackson

I remember Michael Jackson

King of Pain . . . King of Pop

In Memory of Michael Jackson

What a life! May he eternally rest in peace.

I don't think I could ever forget . . .

My own child.  

I watched Oprah yesterday and there was a woman on there who forgot her daughter in the car for eight hours.  When she returned, the little girl was dead.  I'm pretty sure it was a re-run and that this has probably been discussed ad nauseum on many forums but somehow, I missed it.

I felt compassion for that mother because I know that if I were the cause of one of my children's deaths, I would want to die.  I would probably have attempted to kill myself a number of times.  I don't know if I could ever forgive myself.  And I certainly wouldn't be public . . . I never would go on Oprah.  But that's me.

Oprah put a positive spin on things and said that the woman's dead baby is serving as an "angel" to all of us . . . a warning to "slow down."  

I get it.  We're all doing too much.  All trying to multi-task.  One very interesting point I took away from the show is that there's really no such thing as multi-tasking.  When we are trying to get more than one thing done at once, what in fact our minds are doing is quickly switching the focus from one task to the other and back and something inevitably gets lost in the process.  

I can attest to that! Burned pancakes because I'm trying to make porridge and smoothies while on the phone and folding laundry.  The mind simply can't do so much at at time so we tend to forget one thing or the other until it's too late.

But to forget my own child?  I don't know about that.  I mean, folks were on the show trying to empathize with this lady giving examples of how they could have easily been in the same boat.  One person said she accidentally locked her sleeping kids in the car while taking the groceries in.  But the car was in her garage.  And she knew immediately that she had locked them in there.  Another person called in to say that she left her son alone for a minute to go do whatever--toss in a load of laundry, stir a pot and when she got back, she found him hanging by a cord.  But she was around. Close by.  And was back in the room in a matter or minutes.  Both these women were trying to juggle every day tasks and, of course, there's no help.  We can no longer call on our neighbors to keep an eye on our children while we run and go do things.  Many of our parents still work and are years from retirement.  So we end up taking these little risks in order to keep life going, in order to get things done.

I don't know if it's only me though . . . I felt like there was something profoundly different between these situations and forgetting your baby for 8 hours in the hot car.  

I guess we should never say never and I'm sure that mother never imagined that was something she would do.  I'm sure she wishes she had heeded the warning signs I'm sure she must have had.  Her life and career have basically been destroyed because of that one mistake.

When I was working, I often felt harried and impatient with Z1 and I felt so terrible about it.  I had to try to squeeze in all the things I wanted to do with him, chores and other household responsibilities plus leftover school work into 4 or 5 hours at the end of the day.  After it was all done, I'd pass right on out with Z1--often in my work clothes.   I sometimes dread exercising in the morning but I know if I were teaching, there would be absolutely no window of time when I could work out or do anything "extra" in my day.

When I became a stay-at-home mom, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Yes, being a stay-at-home mom has it's own unique challenges especially the whole one-income situation but I can be a calmer, more focused mother for my children.    And because my children are under 5 and therefore need so much attention (often times undivided attention), I'm very grateful.  But even as a SAHM, there are times when I know I need to slow down and be more attentive.  I buy Band-Aids in bulk, you know.  And not for the children, either.  I'm constantly cutting myself or burning myself trying to get it all done.   

There's so much to do and so little time to do it.  And often the pressure is on us mother's to get it done.  The "expert" on the show yesterday gave the smug comment, "Why aren't the husbands helping?" Oh, they often try to help.  But often times, the "help" is not really helpful and you have to go back and do it the right way again.  I think it's important for us as mothers to let go of some of our ideals and insistences that it must be done this way.  It takes a lot of pressure off ourselves but it is definitely more easily said than done.  Especially since many of us do things the way we do things to make the whole thing run more smoothly.   

Society says we are useless in some way if we're not juggling kids, career, running a household.  It's not fair and, as we can see because of these tragic situations, it's not realistic.  I sometimes get down on myself because I feel like I haven't really made a go of my life--am not successful career-wise.  I graduated from high school ten years ago full of potential and high hopes and today all that I really have under my belt is being a mom and well, that's just not good enough.  The Oprah Show yesterday reminded me that it is good enough.  There is nothing wrong with refusing to juggle if you don't have to juggle--especially if it allows you to be present in whatever you are doing.  So if you put off having kids till you get your career in order, there's nothing wrong with that.  If you put your career off till you get your kids in order, there's nothing wrong with that. Fully embracing that truth serves in a tremendous way to take the pressure off. 

So while I don't think I'd ever be so preoccupied as to forget one of my children somewhere, that woman's story serves as a terrible warning to which I have taken heed.  

Photo Credit:  "juggling silhouette" by Criss Cross Circus on Flickr.com

P.S. Part of my decision to blog this morning, ironically, is to avoid exercising.  Who am I kidding?  The main reason I blogged this morning is because I do not want to work out!   I know, I know, I know . .  .

+4

I got weighed at the doctor's office yesterday and weighed 4 pounds more than the last time I weighed myself.  I wanted so badly for the scale to be off.  Even wanted to re-weigh myself.  It was the heavy jeans I was wearing, right?  The extra jewelry?  Yeah right.  

I cannot find the motivation this morning to bust my behind jumping around in the living room to workout videos.  I just can't.  Maybe if there were signs of stuff tightening and not being so jiggly.  Any sign.  Maybe if the scale were going down even slightly and not up.  But that's not the case.  (((sigh)))

Photo Credit:  "Amy Singer tells the scale what she thinks" by knitgrrldotcom on flickr

The first fruits from the garden . . . garlic.  Delicious.

I have to admit, the hubby has been in the garden much more than I have been.  He naturally enjoys being outside and having his hands in the dirt.  I'm much more comfortable with nice, clean  . . . yarn.  LoL.  But I'm determined to get out there and get into it.  Full force.  Soon.  Hopefully.

All Relative?

Nichiren Buddhism teaches that good and evil all coexist within one human being, or the "oneness of good and evil". Becoming a Buddha, then, is really just conquering that evil.  

But isn't evil relative?  A skinhead doesn't believe he's evil.  Nor does a doctor who performs abortions or euthanasia.  But some people do believe these individuals are indeed evil.

And what is considered evil is often influenced by society's morality which, in turn, is influenced by tradition and culture.  Forcing circumcision is sometimes thought of as evil.  When it's done on girls.  When it's done on boys, it's just a procedure.   In ancient Igbo culture, it was not considered evil to throw twins into the "Evil Forest"  . . . rather, it was wrong to keep twin babies as part of society.  This practice was stopped because of the arrival of Christianity and the European which some view as good.  Others view as evil.  

So how can we go about conquering evil when there's no definitive, universal truth on what evil is?  

In the context of the Daishonin's teaching, good means the "fundamental nature of enlightenment," or absolute freedom and happiness resulting from profound self-knowledge. Evil indicates the "fundamental darkness," or life's innate delusion negating the potential of enlightenment and causing suffering for oneself and others.

It's not about figuring out if this is evil or that is evil.  It's not about pointing to some morality guide that says, "Yup, this is definitely evil" or "Nope, this is definitely not evil."  It's looking inward.   It's working on oneself to really know oneself.  To do so, the mind must be stilled.  One must focus.  This takes practice and with so many distractions, it's not an easy task.  It's actually a herculean task.  But a noble one.   

When we pray for peace in the world, if we still pray for that despite all that we see and hear, what we are really praying for is that we all can find absolute freedom and happiness not because of the things we have or where we are but because we truly and profoundly know ourselves--the good, the bad and the ugly.

After all, you have to be the change you want to see in the world.  

Thoughts?

Who's Supposed to Pay for That?

College, that is.  

I was part of an online discussion on this very topic and it made me think again about some things. Now, of course, our personal experience and understandings color everything we do, including the decisions we make for our children.  So it's no big surprise that there were many different opinions about college.

My college experience was pretty traumatizing. Despite the fact that I was a college admissions officer's dream and got into pretty much every school I applied to (these were mainly top-tier schools), I ended up "screwed" and had to attend a public college.  I didn't even get to leave home which was supremely important to me.  I won't go into details but basically, I could not afford to go to any other school without putting myself in serious debt.  Was it because my father refused to fill out my FAFSA?  Did I fill it out wrong?  Or was it that my parents made too much to qualify for much aid?  They certainly couldn't afford to pay for it out of pocket and because of their financial circumstances, couldn't or wouldn't take out loans for me.  I will never know exactly what happened but I ended up (miserably) in a combined BS/MD program that my mother discovered and made me apply to at a public college in the city.  I eventually dropped out of that program but graduated from that school.  I worked about 25-30 hours a week and full-time throughout the summer to support myself (was living rent-free at home but everything else I had to pay for).  I took 18+ credits a semester and graduated with honors on time despite having switched my major  after 4 semesters.  

I went through a whole lot and I learned a lot from that experience.  It was an experience that pretty much changed and defined my whole life.   It was a huge disappointment not to go.  And an even bigger disappointment not to leave home.   I can't make you know how important going to an Ivy League school was to me and how desperately I wanted to leave home.  But it was good for me in many intangible ways.  The most important things are how I changed in terms of my consciousness (about health, Africa, history, etc) but also about how I thought about school and the emphasis that is placed on it.  

I still believe going to school is important.    You could be a great success without ever having stepped foot in an institution of higher learning but it takes a special kind of person--someone who is entrepreneurial in spirit, charismatic, driven, undaunted by rejection/failure, outgoing, a people-person, who enjoys networking, hardworking/tenacious, ingenious and willing to hustle and hustle hard.  Those of us who are not all those things . . . I think it's good to have some kind of net.  I think that's a college degree.  Now, a college degree won't magically make all right with the world for you but it will open doors that would be solidly shut without them.  You will most likely make more money with a college degree than without one.  

What if one of the boys decides college is not for them?  What then?  They'd have to show me a concrete Plan B--something realistic and attainable, like a trade school.  I wouldn't force them to go to college  but they would know how I feel about it.  I'm not as hard up as I once was about being at the top of the class and going to top schools and all that and that is something that has changed significantly about me.  In fact, I wish someone had looked at my family's financial situation and told me to focus on public colleges from the very beginning. I'm almost sure that no matter what, I could have gotten a good deal going to a state school.  In fact, the University of Tennessee offered me a full scholarship which I hardly considered because it was 1) in Tennessee and 2) not Yale. While I don't believe in would haves and could haves, it's something that definitely shapes how I think about higher education.  I know our financial situation.  Many top-tier schools offer a free ride to students whose parents fit certain financial criteria.  If the boys are willing to work that much and are that good at school, this is an option for them.  If they turn out to be just "okay" students, the other option is public in-state college.  

We are saving a little bit ($50 a month) in a 529 for the boys.  Nothing to write home about.  I read that this could actually count against them come financial aid time.  Do we stop?  I don't think the money we could save would actually take them through all four years with inflation and the rising cost of college.  What I'm really hoping is that by the time they are college age, we have established multiple streams of income to help them through whatever choice they make (I hope it's college).  

Now, the biggest thing I've come to realize is that you cannot pin all your hopes on college.  You still need to possess some of those characteristics I mentioned above even if you go to college (although not to the same degree).  College will not magically make life wonderful and grand.  I was full of illusions back them.  I'm all about reality now.  

You know, when you're Black and have Black boys as children, certain things are obvious.  Like the world is just not nice to Black folks and especially not to Black men who are still viewed as a threat.  In any field we choose to enter, we can often expect to find discrimination.  So while I would support Z1 and Z2 as much as I could if they decided college was not for them, they have to know that even though the playing field is more level these days, it's not completely level.   They are not free to take years off to casually "find themselves".  They'll have to do that much the same way I did:  while working and going to school. Degrees help to level the field. And, quite honestly, give an individual holding them respect and credibility, like it or not.  

So while I can't commit to paying for the whole thing right now, that is what I'd like to do especially if my sons are realistic and understand that what I could most likely make happen is public state schools.  They will have to  work a little to to make that extra money for the funky fresh sneakers, the flyyest new gadgets they want and taking their girlfriends to.   But college?  Yeah, I think I'm supposed to pay for that. And I'm happy to if I can.  But not willing to break the bank or go into debt to do it.  I think that's fair.  

Bo-De-Ga

Give thanks to Raet, for this . . .Growing up in the South Bronx, the corner store aka bodegas were part and parcel of our daily lives. After I became interested in eating healthier foods, it never ceased to amaze me the amount of straight CRAP to be found at the bodega. I'll never forget the years of lugging my shopping cart to the subway (which is above ground in most of the Bronx), to take the train all the way down to 72nd Street to either go to Fairway or some of the nearby health food stores (many of which have closed down now) just to get some bread made with whole grain flour and no high fructose corn syrup and some soy milk. Things haven't changed much at the bodega even though it's years later. Luckily, the grocery stores like Pathmark, Western Beef, Bravo, C-Town (come on, hood folks, you know these are your grocery stores), are doing a little better and you can at least get soy milk there (albeit for double the price as at Whole Foods).

Bend Over and Touch Your Toes!

Don't worry. I'm not going to be admitting to liking me some Lil Jon. But I am just thrilled to report that I can touch my toes!! Doesn't sound like a huge accomplishment but just four months ago when I made up my mind to get in shape, I couldn't do it. Now I can touch my toes and even the floor. Even the hubby has remarked on how much more flexible I am and has become very encouraging of YOGA.

I enjoy yoga tremendously and I'm so glad that I started. I still haven't taken a class yet but soon. One of my goals this year is to extend and deepen my yoga practice but really this is a life long goal. It's not just about arriving. It's about getting there too. And I'm enjoying the journey. I have learned so much about my body in this short time, it's actually pretty fascinating. I know where my weak points are now (like my ankles), where I carry my tension (at the back of my neck and shoulder blades) and how to let it go, that I can balance better on my left side (even though I'm right handed) and so much more.

So far, I have a few yoga DVDs/routines that I do:
Yoga for Urban Living (I'm still having issues with this DVD but I like it enough that I will repurchase it)
Living Room Yoga (I just absolutely love this one--I highly recommend it once you're no longer a rank beginner)
Crunch Yoga (this is great for easing yourself into yoga--it's got modifications an is really a neatly packaged introduction. There is very minimal emphasis on the spiritual in this practice but spirituality still seeped into it for me. Maybe not for everyone though.

I also do the Great Salutation on my own sometimes. I love this website too for a listing and explanation of the various poses.

I have a couple of books on Yoga too: Light on Yoga by B.K.S. Iyengar and Yoga Beyond Belief by Ganga White, two excellent resources to have. Another book that I don't own but regularly borrow from the library is Yoga Anatomy (those are links to the books on Google Books). Yoga Anatomy is a book you just have to see. It's fabulous.

Honestly, I do get frustrated sometimes because the weight is not coming off. While I'm stronger, I still don't see all that much definition because I'm holding on to the weight. I've started lifting more weights because muscle burns fat and I'm hoping to see a difference. I wonder if maybe I'm not doing enough cardio for long enough. My sistren recommended this The Firm Transfirmer system to me and I'm thinking about it. Do I need to do more though? Or something different? I actually would like to have a personal training session. I want to know will my belly button ever get back to the way it was before I had kids and if so, when.

Realistically, I know that while I'm nursing, I'm not likely to lose anything too fast. After I weaned Z1, I made absolutely no effort to exercise or lose weight but it dropped off and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time. I suspect it will be the same here.

Beyond that, I've been struggling with the challenge of getting enough sleep and getting up early to exercise. I'd been getting up at 5 religiously but ran out of steam mid-day. If I get up later, there's no guarantee that I will have time to exercise and chant/meditate/journal. And I hate having to make the choice between the two. But once the boys are up, really all my attention and focus is on them especially now that Z2 is so incredibly mobile (and daring). People suggest exercising with your children but honestly, I need to be in a certain focused mind space to exercise. I need to get into myself. My babies distract me. I noticed once when doing yoga while they were awake that my breathing was off and I found myself doing things in such a way that I could hurt myself. And we all know that not being well-rested is counterproductive to weight loss so . . . that's a challenge I'm working with.

But anyway, I love yoga and I encourage anyone and everyone to give it a try. It is truly for everyone. If DVDs don't do it for you, find a class and see. I saw that the local community colleges even offer classes now.

Photo courtesy of http://carrotsncake.com/2009/02/31-days-of-yoga.html

The Movie Based on the Book . . .

I'm always wary when I hear this phrase. I just know the book will be far better than the movie. Maybe it's because I'm a book person and I love to read.

Anyway, recently I've been reading a lot of the work by Jhumpa Lahiri including two collections of short stories: "Unaccustomed Earth" and "Interpreter of Maladies". I find her writing to be stunning and I practically fell headlong into these stories. I think they touched me in a special way because she writes primarily about immigrants to this country from India and/or their children. Because India, like Nigeria, was once a colony of Great Britain, there are many similarities in language. But, and I found this surprising, there are also many similarities between traditional Indian (Bengali) culture and traditional Igbo culture. What is most intriguing to me is how Ms. Lahiri tackles the complex conflict that arises when a person is transplanted from the land of their birth and childhood and begins a completely new life away from everyone and everything they have ever know. Online and in real life, I have seen how difficult life can be for immigrants (and sometimes but not as often for children of immigrants). I mean, people can be downright hostile to people who come here and have "an accent". Some of the staunchest opposition I've seen in my life are from folks with the same color skin who feel like African immigrants have stolen something that's not rightfully theirs. I don't remember which story of Ms. Lahiri's I read but a mother and daughter have gone out to the store and the store owner is talking to the daughter (who has an American accent) instead of the mother (who had an Indian accent). As if the mother is stupid and uneducated. I have been in that position too. And since my goverment name is not English, I have been on the receiving end of such hostility and ill-will until the person finds out I "speak English". As if speaking English with an accent isn't speaking English. Anyway, I think Ms. Lahiri does a masterful job of capturing these complexties with authenticity and poise.

After having read these two collections of short stories, I was ready to read her full length novel The Namesake. As usual, the writing was beautiful however I really do like the short stories better. I think she's a master at writing short stories.

When picking up the novel The Namesake at the library, one of the librarians asked if I had seen the film. I hadn't. I figured when I finished reading the book, I'd take a look at the film knowing full well the film would disappoint. And it did. Look, my biggest literary regret is having watched the film The Color Purple before reading the book. Never again if I can help it! Anyway, I had read the novel so I proceeded to watch the movie. I mean, the kids were doing their thing and I had to pause it 800 million times but I watched it. It was lovely filming but I felt like it missed so many of the nuances in the novel and important points and emotions that were conveyed in the writing.

For example, the Ganguli family comes home from a trip to India only to find some racist grafitti on their mailbox. Gogol, the son, is incensed. His father takes it all in stride. In the novel, Lahiri is careful to show how much his father's indifference annoyed Gogol. Gogol cannot understand his father. His father cannot understand him. Even though they are father and son, there is a huge gulf between them fostered by the fact that Gogol is American. But Indian too.

Also, the main struggle in the book is Gogol's real hatred of his name. I mean, he hates it. He fights against it relentlessly and eventually changes it as an adult only to find that he cannot get away from it. The movie kind of glosses over that but that struggle, in my opinion, is the crux of the whole book. It's not my opinion actually. The name of the novel is The Namesake. It's essential to talk about, at length and in depth, the name!

There are so many other examples . . . I mean, I guess if they tried to film every little detail we would have been watching a 6 hour mini-saga. But I could have done without the movie. I enjoyed immensely the visual images Ms. Lahiri created in her novel and would recommend her writing to anyone. It is like rich chocolate for the mind.

And as an aspiring writer myself, I was encouraged so much by the fact that Ms. Lahiri is successful as a short story writer (because I mainly write short stores).

Oh, and I remind myself to stay away from movies based on the book . . .

Nobody can give you freedom . . .

Very few people come along speaking truth so profound it's obvious. Too revolutionary for the textbooks but just what is needed right now. I didn't learn about this brother until I was an adult. That will not be the case for my children. His autobiography changed my entire life and he remains an inspiration and motivation to me.

Happy Birthday El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz!

Thanks for this post Black Girl in Maine and this post Raet.

Picture courtesy of http://anti-drugwar.org/

Is it the end of the road?

For this blog?
I seem to have lost momentum and inspiration. I used to think of things to blog about all the time: in the shower, while driving, while changing a diaper. I had dozens of drafts for blogs. Recently, though, nothing. I did realize that I never shared my slamming vegan sweet potato pie recipe and also the recipe for Black Jack Chili. I will. But after that, who knows? I've been blogging for a year now with over 300 posts. Maybe it is the end of the road.

Letter to Myself

I've been trying to find a window of opportunity to blog all day but it hasn't happened till now. And even now I should be sleeping since I have to get up to exercise. But I really wanted to share this today.

I spent my pregnancy with Z1 extremely depressed at times longing for my "mommy", wanting to be cherished and nurtured. But this is not something my mother could offer. Two years ago, I wrote an entry in my journal about my mother and how I have come to deal with our relationship. It's a letter to myself and while my overstanding of the Almighty has changed quite a bit since then, the letter is still essentially true.

You were blessed with a mother who is not described by any of the warm, fuzzy Hallmark Mother's Day Greeting Cards. In fact, you pore through countless cards trying to find the most generic, non-specific card there is. You can't get one that says, "You always know what to say to lift my spirit". Not true. No, you look for cards that say, "Hope your day is great!"

There are two ways you can respond to this in the light of the fact that you are completely grown. You could become very bitter and angry, snap and complain at every opportunity. Or you can accept her for who and how she is, realizing that she's human only and has human flaws. Also, she is not in this world to live up to your expectation or idea of what a mother should be. She did for you and gave you the best she could. You may not think it was the best but it was. If she could have done better, she would have. You may be thinking she should have given me this or that because she had the ability but even if she did have the ability physically, mentally or psychologically she was not in a place where she could give you more, you cannot fault her for it. You're grown enough now to cut that umbilical cord and connect it to the Almighty who can be everything and anything you need. You can expect unwaveringly that the Almighty will always give you what you need, when you need it and how you need it.

When you let your natural, physical mother off the hook, forgive her and forgive yourself for believing that somehow it was you that caused your mother to treat you the way she did, you re-connect to a Higher Power, you free yourself and allow yourself the space to heal. When you begin to realize that you are who you are because of your mother and not in spite of, you learn to be grateful. Right now, you are blessed with a chance to be whole. You have the chance to be the way you want. You started out on this road a long time ago before you even knew yourself and you've been traveling on it for many years. There have been many potholes and bumps. You now realize that this particular road is not leading to where you'd like to go. You have the ability to get off at the next exit. You can pick the next road. You can decide the kind of woman you're going to be. You determine, most especially, the kind of mother you are going to be.

I hope all the mothers (mothers with their own children, spiritual mothers, godmothers, etc) enjoyed the day.

Photo Credit: "dedicated to moms everywhere (happy mother's day 2008 #2)" by jmtimages

I Can't Stand the Rain!

Thank God today is sunny and warm!

My first introduction to this song was back in high school when Misdemeanor Eliot ("Missy") sampled it. I loved it then (and still do) but didn't know it was old school. I should have. I've always thought Missy was so creative and like me, marched to her own drum. Anyway, wanted to share some music on this lovely day!





Have a great weekend!