Making some changes

Yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally and, thankfully, I was very clear as to why and in line with my new attitude towards things, I'm being solution-oriented.  

I have been sick for the past two weeks with a flu that just laid me out.  I only started to feel about 95% two days ago and today, I finally felt well enough to get moving again and exercise.  But I was really worried that the sickness would be a permanent setback and that I wouldn't be able to get back into exercise for the rest of this pregnancy.  Yesterday, I felt so lethargic and lackluster that I really started to worry. So I am so relieved and happy that I could exercise this morning and, of course, I feel great.  I just determined last night to get to bed before 9 without fail and to get up and do something.  I decided on a DVD with which I am very familiar that has both weight and cardio intervals and I knew I would just do the modifications and take it easy.  It was difficult to get started but once I did, it felt great.  And now, I'm ready to consistently exercise every morning even if it's just a few minutes of stretching or a walk.  The phrase "Just Do It" has some serious merit to it.  

I've also been a bit concerned about not having much help after the baby gets here.  The sickness took me completely out which meant I spent a lot of time sleeping and the boys spent a lot of time watching t.v. and playing on the computer.  I've lamented lack of community and close friends before but being sick like that crystallized how serious a situation this is in my life.  There is no one close enough to me that I could rely on to help me through those difficult days.  I was blessed to see my father step up and help me get the boys to their karate class and get them dinner on some days but otherwise, I was on my own dealing with the boys and the upkeep of the house while battling temperatures of 101 and higher.  Of course, the hubby is a great help but he is at work for the majority of the day.  I couldn't help but start to worry about how I'm going to handle things when the baby arrives and I am getting little to no sleep but still need to get up and do the things I need to do for myself, my family and the household.   I mean, I am still wondering how to fulfill my need for simple company, i.e. another adult who I see and interact with on a consistent basis, much less friends who see that I need help and offer.  I don't have a solution for this one yet but I am working on it.  It may involve hosting a knitting/crochet meet-up at my house.  I think I have been hyper-focused on meeting others who homeschool and that has been very unproductive.  Why not tap into my other interests?

Since January I have been following the specific carbohydrate diet and the results have been lackluster.  I know that I will need to see someone who can correctly diagnose what I've got going on but right now so we can appropriately address it.  I do have a functional nutritionist lined up and I hope to start working with her after the baby is born.  But right now, my options are to continue to tweak my diet and do things to heal my gut. So after about 5 months of SCD, I am going to try something different and that is to avoid FODMAPs foods.  I will try it for 3 weeks at first and see if there is any improvement.

Lastly, I find it so fascinating that following a paleo/primal diet has left me feeling more isolated than being vegan.  It's amazing how the tides have changed over the last few years in favor of vegetarianism.   A few days ago, I posted on a board for more natural-minded mothers that I finally tried liver.  Liver is indeed a superfood especially if it comes from an animal that has been eating its proper diet.  So I have been wanting to give it a shot for some time now but memories of eating it as a child were not pleasant.  Also, I am a picky eater so the odds are I still wouldn't like the taste.  But I tried it.  I added it to some beef stew.  And I ate it.  I was very proud of myself.  Come to find out that grass-fed liver is nothing like the liver of my youth.  And that, although the way I prepared it wasn't the greatest, it wasn't the worst.  Eating liver is definitely not a mainstream thing but what I am learning is that "natural living" or "alternative lifestyle" is now synonymous with being a vegetarian or better yet a vegan and optimally a raw food vegan.  The few comments I got on that board were condescending [let us help you find a plant-based way (i.e. a better way) to get what it is you think you are missing] or downright rude (I find that if meat eaters need to do so much to meat to make it palatable then that should be a sign not to eat meat.)  As if . . . as if, you would go out into your garden, collect kidney beans, throw them into a pot with nothing but water and that would be something palatable and delicious.  I can't be too mad since  I was one of those vegans who would call other human beings "meat eaters" as if what I didn't eat made me superior to them.  I can't be too mad when folks turn around and call me a "meat eater".  I don't have any desire to argue with anyone.  I have no energy to waste engaging in that kind of negativity.  I only want support for my journey to healing which has involved incorporating nutrient-dense animal products into my diet and I don't see myself going back to totally plant-based diet any time soon as it's clear to me that that is what got me here in the first place.  Also, I simply look at my teeth and I notice that I have canines and molars which means I am omnivorous: I am supposed to eat meat and vegetables.  I also notice that I have only 4 canines and many more molars which means far more vegetables/fruits than meat.  I am, after all, not a meat-eater.  I look into my cat's mouth and see only canines.  It only makes sense to have her on a diet that is mainly meat (no grains butsea veggies and other veggies since she is an indoor cat and likes chicken but doesn't seem to like grass-fed beef).  She is a meat-eater.  I'm doing for myself what makes sense to me and is helping me and I am not insisting or arguing that it make sense to anyone else or that anyone else do what I am doing.

I'd be lying if I said that little online interaction didn't force me to remember why I had pretty much stopped interacting online. It generally doesn't make me feel lifted: people who don't know you making judgments about you.  No thanks.  So I'm once again, making some changes.  

I am feeling so much better today physically and emotionally and so much clearer about how to handle things that would have had me down for days.  The decision to be solution-oriented has, dare I say, turned my life around.  Even if the solution isn't clear, it's so much more empowering to be on the lookout for the answer instead of wallowing in the problem.  

Exercise and Allergy Relief

I am so grateful that I can be active during this pregnancy.  Though my intensity is nowhere near pre-pregnancy intensity (and I sometimes find that annoying), the movement helps me tremendously.  Allergy season is upon us and I cannot take my regular medicine since it's not recommended in pregnancy.  I've been drinking nettle tea, lemon water with local honey, and just whatever I can to minimize the severity of the allergies.  But nothing takes care of the allergy symptoms better than exercise.  And in this case, a little goes a long way.  So I huff and puff at the gym.  Build up  a bit of sweat.  And my nasal passages clear.  My lungs get clear.  My eyes stop watering. The sinus swelling goes down.  And I get to enjoy the feeling for hours and hours.  Doesn't matter if I'm moving maximum weight or less than a 1/4 of that . . . I still get the same benefit.  

My attitude towards exercise has changed so much from when I first started.  The aesthetic has become such a small part of why I do what I do.  It's surprising actually because that was the whole reason I started!  I exercise because it makes me feel good physically and mentally--and that gives me enough motivation to keep going when it gets challenging.  And getting through the challenging parts provides motivation in so many other aspects of my life.  Kind of amazing.  

Learning to trust the Process

Not necessarily because I want to, but because I have to!

The moment I found out that I was expecting our third was an interesting moment in my life. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts and many worries. To a certain extent, I still do but I am so very happy about this baby on his/her way.

One of the issues I thought about was my fitness, training, and admittedly, my weight.

Without a doubt, a healthy pregnancy involves weight gain and even though I understand that from an intellectual point of view, it is very difficult to let go of the emotional angst that comes with the weight gain. I can see that I am putting on weight in a healthy way but I'm still nervous about putting it on. How difficult will it be to lose the weight? How long will it take? I know that if worse comes to worst, I can always go back to Weight Watchers, which is how I successfully lost weight last time. But I eat a paleo diet now and it was difficult for me to reconcile paleo (high fat) to Weight Watchers. I mean, how can I really trust that my paleo diet will ensure that I lose the weight? I always hear that it's difficult to overeat fat and protein but let me tell you, it just is not the truth for me. I love to eat. A lot. I will continue to eat after I am full just because the food tastes good. I have not yet gotten to a point where I can trust myself to eat and then stop when I am full. There is a whole list of foods that I totally avoid because I know once I start, I won't or can't stop until the entire bag is gone. I have absolutely no self-control around those foods. So yeah, I'm nervous. Weight Watchers worked so well for me because it imposed limits on how much I could eat. I wouldn't eat the whole bag because that would be well over 3/4ths of my daily allowance. I am a stickler for the rules and guidelines and if they are in place, I seem to function better. Eating paleo and trying to lose weight is like jumping out of a plane but this time without a parachute. Just hoping I eventually land. I'm just not sure about it. I do know that this pregnancy has involved me eating a lot more sweets (in the form of fruit) than I usually do. I've also been eating honey pretty liberally (one of the few sweeteners allowed on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet). It's obvious to me that to lose weight, I will need to cut those out or at least significantly reduce how much of it I have. But how soon can I do that while nursing? The bottom line is that I do not trust myself. I do not know exactly what my body needs to be healthy. I am learning what my body doesn't need but I honestly do not know what it does need. Also, I think sugar is addictive so can a craving for something sweet really be trusted? But there is nothing left to do but to trust the process. Continue to eat nourishing foods. Get good sleep. Relax. Move. And I hope that will do the trick.

And then there's my weight training and fitness. I had planned to stay active throughout my pregnancy and, for the most part, I am. However, I have had to slow down significantly and although I know I should be relaxing and enjoying not pushing as much, the truth is I love to push. I love to set personal records. I do not like taking it easy. But I really have no choice in the matter. Running is really uncomfortable. Most of the movements I used to do for my high intensity interval training are a no-go too. I run out of breath easily. Heck, even walking 15 minutes to the gym feels like I have *worked*. I definitely have had to drop the weights that I use and on certain lifts (most recently vertical push and pull exercises) I feel too much strain so I refuse to do them. I'm worried about losing some of the gains I've made. When I finished Power Training for Strength, I was deadifting at a maximum 170 pounds. When I started lifting weight, I could only deadlift about 80 pounds. I mean, I have been seeing some really great gains with consistency and discipline and I worry about how much of those gains I will lose. When will I actually get my life back together after the baby is born to start seriously lifting again? I just have to accept that my body is already doing a great deal of work by growing a baby and realize that backing off is not defeat or a sign of weakness. And I also have to be grateful that I am having a low-risk pregnancy which means that even though I'm not as active as I'd want to be, I can be active.

There are many questions in my mind but I am trying to relax despite my concerns. I am regularly practicing yoga (accepting that most of my yoga DVDs are no longer suitable and I need to stick to prenatal ones). And I've finally incorporated a meditation practice into my life that relaxes me and helps me be more patient and understanding. I have been working with Shimoff's book Happy for No Reason. I've been keeping a gratitude journal every day, no exception. I write down three or more things for which I am grateful. And surprisingly, even on days that I don't think I have much to be grateful for, I come up with things. Usually far more than 3 things. So if nothing else, not being able to do fitness related things has given me time to do more meditative, healing things. Spiritual fitness, I suppose one could say. And that is a wonderful gift that this baby is giving me. Another thing for which to be grateful.  

The Journey to Wellness

So I would say I have been on a journey to wellness for years now.  The reason why I became a strict vegetarian was because I had learned from people like Queen Afua and Dr. Laila O. Afrika, that the root of all my dis-ease was my diet--specifically my diet that included animals and animal products.  I desperately wanted to heal my allergies, heal my excruciating and debilitating menstrual cramps, heal my acne and maybe even heal my eyesight.  Somewhere along the line, my diet became aligned with my religion and started to reflect my spirituality: I didn't want to eat animals because I didn't want to kill them--didn't like the violence.  So I had two very good reasons to be vegetarian and coupled with my tendency to be tenacious and passionate, I remained vegetarian even when the first reason (to be healthy) was proving to be a failure.  I was feeling terrible on the vegetarian diet and getting progressively worse.  I tried adding small amounts of animal products back and still no real improvement.  It came to a head when I just couldn't function and finally went to a doctor and was finally diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome earlier this year.  IBS is one of those diagnoses where there doctor really has nothing to tell you but take some probiotics and eat more fiber.  Not helpful as I had been doing all those things.  Well, I took matters into my own hands and started removing foods that could be at the root.  Added meat back in, removed beans, and removed gluten.  Started to feel better.  Went paleo and started to feel great.  Added back in starchy tubers to try to put on some weight and started feeling like a train wreck again.

I am really struggling with my diet, how I eat.  This journey has not been easy at all but I am still committed to achieving optimal health.  I have let go of the spiritual hang-ups about eating meat--my body is a temple and I have to do things in a way that honors it.  I need to listen to it--and just give thanks to the animals that die so that I may live and respect the cycle of life.  I'm learning to listen but I still don't have any control of the IBS despite eating about 98% paleo. Maybe once a week, I'll have popcorn. I learned recently from some awesome podcasts that the underlying cause of the IBS is probably SIBO (small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), or some kind of bacterial overgrowth so I significantly cut back on the small amount of carbs I was having (things like sweet potato, yam, and plantain) and now I am trying to follow the GAPS Diet.  I find the GAPS diet difficult for a few reasons: 1) I'm not sure exactly what not to eat--had some tomatoes and that seemed to be just as bad as having a sweet potato 2) I am finding really hard to stay away from starches especially plantain chips and 3) I feel restricted and it doesn't feel good at all--I've never felt that way even on Weight Watchers, or while doing gluten-free or while being paleo.  In any case, I feel like cutting the carbs has helped a lot but I think I just need to get some help with implementing some kind of GAPS type diet. I am tired of the trial and error and tired of feeling awful. 

So since I'm struggling so much to find a way to eat that makes me feel well, I don't know if I'm eating enough or if I'm eating fats, proteins and starches in the right proportion or what I should be eating to support my goal of getting not only well but stronger (which is a big goal of mine fitness-wise). I'm pretty sure I'm not. Add to that the psychological issues of having recently lost weight, wanting to put on a few pounds (and knowing I need to) but being absolutely terrified of landing back where I started two years ago, 45 lbs. heavier. (I started eating more starch tubers in an attempt to put on weight). I'm trying hard to trust that a more primal style of eating would make it so that I would not be likely to put the weight back on but honestly, I just feel so exhausted spending so much time thinking about/obsessing about food and hoping that the next thing I put in my mouth doesn't keep me up all night with cramps and such. (((sigh))) 

Exercise to me is a great way to at least temporarily escape the IBS (can't focus on it as much) and also to have some time during the day where the focus is totally on me.  But with this shoulder injury and modifying the workouts to give my shoulder a rest, I can't help but be hyper-focused on how badly my digestive tract feels. I'm tempted to just jump in and re-start Power Training in earnest next week, shoulder be damned, because I *really* need a distraction.  I know that's not wise and maybe what I really should do is take a complete break from lifting and my regular routine altogether . . . maybe sign up to do Bikram classes or something.  Something totally different.  

So the journey to wellness is far from over and I know that even when I figure things out to heal what I've got going on currently, the most important thing is to learn and be able to listen to my body because things change.  And when they change, I have to change and do things differently, eat differently, be differently.  I would like to learn the tools to do it.  

Photo Credit

Power Training Update

I really love the Power Training program, let me tell you.  It's challenging.  It's hard work.  It's fun.  Unfortunately, it looks like I will either have to stop the program only one week in or significantly change it to account for my shoulder.

I don't know when I initially hurt my left shoulder.  I do know that I am weaker on my left side than on my right side.  It could have been while doing chaturanga in yoga or anything really.  But it's injured.  My doctor identified the pain as tendonitis and recommended that I take it easy for 6 weeks.  Of course, I didn't want to stop so I've been trying to work with it by modifying exercises and avoiding certain moves that I know aggravate the pain.  But today, I realized that I really do have to back off.  I was actually gripping my shoulder at the gym and just in my daily, I am finding myself being ridiculously ginger with it.  It hurts when I drive.  It hurts when I pick up my kids.  Yeah, I have to back off.  

I don't think completely stopping my training will work, though.  I am not willing to lose my gains in the weight room and lifting, actually going to the gym to lift is something I *really* need psychologically for a host of reasons I won't detail right now.  So my inclination is to substitute rehab exercises for the vertical and horizontal push/pull portions of the PT program for at least 6 weeks to see if I can heal this shoulder.  I googled around and found this shoulder rehab protocol.  I also found out that Eric Cressey (who wrote Maximum Strength, one of the programs I thought of doing before deciding on PT) is kind of known as "the shoulder guy".  He has written an article in 3 parts called Shoulder Savers which I am going to make time to read:

Shoulder Savers Part 1

Shoulder Savers Part 2

Shoulder Savers Part 3

After 6-8 weeks, I am hoping that I would have healed my shoulder.  At that point, I will probably re-start Power Training as written.  Here's to hoping.  

Photo Credit

Need something different for fitness!

This past Monday (Labor Day), I ran my first 10K Race.  It was the Labor Day Marathon and it was very laid back.  The trail was in Van Cortlandt park and was very challenging in some places.  There were a good number of hills and some gnarly areas where you literally had to walk very slowly or risk serious injury.  I had a good time.  I'd even say it was fun.  And opportunities to do fun stuff lately has been few so it was really good for my morale.  The 10K really drove home the point that I do not like to run for long distances:  the 6+ miles was perfect and the race came to an end just when I thought it should.  So now I'm really not feeling any more excited about the upcoming 1/2 marathon.  I'm totally undecided about whether I'm actually going to run it or not.  I guess I'll know closer to the day.  Right now, though, I'm pretty sure that if I do run it, I will probably run 10 miles of the race and maybe walk the rest.  I am definitely, definitely not a long-distance runner.   

And the more I think about it, the less excited I am about any form of exercise, including lifting, despite having a ton of options for my next lifting program from which to choose.  I may be suffering from burnout.  Over these last few weeks, I've been following my 1/2 training program to a tee.  Cross-training on non-running days (doing intervals on the exercise bike or floor aerobics in addition to strength-training) which means that I really haven't had any real time to recuperate.  And if my left eye, which has been twitching for the last few weeks, and this suspicious pain in my left shoulder, is any indication, I need some serious down time. 

According to my training plan, I was supposed to do a 45-minute easy run today.  But I was up late last night and it's cold and damp outside.  These are usually not good enough excuses to not push myself but I'm giving myself an out.  I'm just not in the mood and I want to get excited about fitness again . . . I want it to be fun again.  Not drudgery.  

I've pretty much decided to give CrossFit a try--I need something different.  There are three CrossFit gyms within 30 minutes of me.  One of them doesn't have any 6:00 AM classes. One has a CrossFit Elements class, basically an intro to CrossFit: 4 private sessions for $160. And then this one, which has reasonable prices, early class times and got some good review on Google.  

1/2 Marathon Training

I am entering week 7 of my 1/2 Marathon Training Plan and, let me tell you, I cannot wait for this marathon to come and go.  I have learned a lot training for this thing and I think the biggest lesson I've learned is that I am not a distance runner.  I really don't like how it makes me feel physically.  It makes me . . . tired.  Very, very tired.  Then there is the issue of the knee pain which I resolved by purchasing yet another pair of running shoes.  The new shoes took care of the knee pain, but now I'm contending with ankle pain again. (Ankle pain was the reason why I finally went to a real running store to get fitted for running shoes instead of continuing to buy my running shoes at Costco.)  And it's really tough to train for a 1/2 marathon alone.  Typically, I am very self-motivated but some days, it takes all I have to get out the door.  I just do.not.want.to.run.  A partner would definitely help me to look forward to the day's running instead of dreading it.  But as I've said before, it's been next to impossible to find running mates (even having joined meetup.com for the specific purpose).  So I've been forging bravely ahead solo and sometimes, I just want to turn back and get back into bed.  

But anyway, some things that have helped me to press forward:

• eating before a run.  Typically, I run first thing in the morning on an empty belly.  That simply does not work if I am planning to run 10+ miles.  I have to remember to drink at least 8 ounces of water and a handful of walnuts with some raisins before I head out the door.  It really makes all the difference between feeling like I will die before I make it home and feeling like I could maybe go another mile.   
• doing a training race.  Tomorrow, I'm going to be running a local 10K race and I'm actually really looking forward to it.  I know I can comfortably manage 6+ miles and this will give me a chance to test out how to do things for the 1/2 marathon

Still, I'm looking forward to when 10 miles is my weekly mileage again--not a day's mileage. I *much* prefer strength training and other types of cardio exercise.  I am definitely on the bandwagon that says to avoid steady-state cardio and to enjoy doing exercise as would a child--essentially playing.  When I do things like BodyRockTV style exercises, it feels light and playful.  Running like this feels like hard work.  But training for this marathon gave me a chance to switch gears and try something else.  It broke up the monotony although it is now getting monotonous.  In any case, I've got some new strength training books (Men's Health Power Training by Robert dos Remedios, Maximum Strength by Eric Cressey, or New Rules of Lifting by Lou Schuler) and I've been reading (strongly leaning towards Power Training).  After the marathon, I'll take a week off and decide on what to do next.  I'm actually thinking about doing a few Crossfit sessions although I won't lie and say I'm not intimidated by the whole Crossfit thing.  Still and all, I know a lot of Crossfitters also follow a paleo diet so this might provide a good opportunity to meet like minded people.   

Should I Quit?

(So I guess I'm merging all three of my blogs now because I don't have the desire to keep three blogs up to date.)

I signed up for my first 1/2 marathon.  It's September 18.  But it's not looking good.  My knees hurt when I run.  I have a high tolerance for pain and I know I can push through it.  But I don't want to risk seriously injuring myself and then making it so that I can't do anything because my knees are damaged.  

A few years ago, I was prescribed orthotics because I have low arches.  I'd injured my foot and it was still full of fluid months after the pain was gone.  So I went to the podiatrist who said I had flat feet and fitted me for some orthotics.  (The podiatrist never did get to the root of the fluid which I still have in the foot.  I recently learned from a friend of mine who is a massage therapist that I probably damaged one of my lymph ducts and that the lymphatic fluid is not being properly reabsorbed so it's just pooling in my foot.  She is going to drain it for me and then show me how to wrap to encourage healing).  

I'd been running in the orthotics and it was fine in the winter when I was running with thick wool socks on.  As soon as it got warm and I started running with thinner cotton socks, my feet were slipping around too much in my Aasics 2150s so I quit the orthotics.  I'm not sure if that's why I'm experiencing so much pain when I run now.  My ten-mile Sunday run was really brutal and one day of complete rest did not help today: it still hurt while I was doing a 50 minute easy run.  

I've been icing my knees after running and also foam rolling to try to minimize the damage.  Up until I asked for advice on my situation on a running message board, I hadn't even considered quitting.  Like I said, I can deal with pain.  But I really do have to think long and hard about this and I need to make a decision.

My current plan is to go for my speed interval run on Thursday wearing the orthotics (and 2 pairs of socks).  If it's still painful, I will withdraw from the race and make the slow transition to running in my Vibram Five Fingers (which many folks have testified eliminated the knee pain since running barefoot forces the body to assume correct form).  I'd only been using the Vibrams to lift and to otherwise cross train (floor aerobics a la BodyRock style and exercise bike) and I love how they feel on my feet.  I already knew from one solitary and painful try, that running on pavement in them was not a great idea and that's why till now, I've been hesitant to run in the Vibram's at all even though it might be the key to solving my running woes.  You know the compromises we make as moms to fit it all in . . . I don't have any trails nearby and it's just more convenient and saves more time to run in the neighborhood.  So I've been faithful to the Aasics and I feel like maybe now it's time to pay the piper.  (((sigh)) It was also suggested that I go see a physical therapist to assess my gait and so I think if I can find one covered by my health insurance I will do that too.  Right after I make the ob/gym appointment I've been putting off for months.  

I'm really bummed that I have to think about not doing this race.  It was really nice to have this as my focus and I have been enjoying training (except for the pain).  Psychologically, it's been great to be doing something different (than heavy lifting).  I hope I can get to the bottom of the pain so that I can continue to run for years pain free. 

What to do with the key?

Maybe for other runners it's not a big deal but for me, figuring out where to keep my house keys while on a run had my mental wheels turning.  At first, I figured I could just stick them in my bra as it had enough fabric and material to keep them (and the girls) from moving.  (It's an Enell bra so yeah, it didn't it was a stupid idea.)  Uhhh . . . yes, it was and you can probably imagine why.  Next I thought I could have it on my wrist on a coil key chain . . . that worked for a while but eventually it just go kind of irritating since the key wouldn't stay put.  Next, I tried the key chain that goes around the neck because surely that should stay secure but alas, no go.  Finally, I figured it out! I wear a Road ID bracelet when I run which means I don't bother carrying any other form of identification.  I took a key ring, hooked it on to the plastic loop of the bracelet.   After I fasten the bracelet, I tuck the key into the little loop that's made.  I then tighten the bracelet as much as is comfortable.  No matter how long the run, no matter how sweaty I get, the bracelet and the key stay put.  What's more, even when I'm not running--say just going to the gym--I grab the Road ID bracelet and my key is already attached to it.  It's all I need to take with me.  Anyway, I thought I'd share that for anyone else who maybe had a bit of difficulty figuring out what to do with the key when you're out for a run.

"You Can't Fix a Body You Hate"

I read this wonderful article over at Everyday Paleo.  It's true on so many levels and I hope you get a chance to read it.  

I can be very honest about things these days.  I started this fitness journey simply because I wanted to get my pre-pregnancy body, which I really loved, back. There were no lofty and esoteric goals.  After I had worked and worked and worked only to discover that my pre-pregnancy body was gone forever, I quickly had to shift my focus to something more substantive like becoming strong and staying fit so that I could enjoy life.  I hated feeling sluggish and tired and like I couldn't even keep up with my kids.  It turns out that I really like being active and moving my body so the aesthetic side of working out naturally took a back burner. I'm wasn't going to stop doing the stuff that made me feel awesome bodily and mentally because it wasn't yielding the aesthetic results I wanted.  But I won't lie and say it doesn't bother me that I put in all this effort and I still don't have a picture worthy body.  I have a diastasis which makes me still look a few months pregnant and lots of skin that just didn't snap back and sags and jiggles.  And there's nothing short of surgery really (although I hope to give the Tupler technique a try one of these days) that's going to fix it.  I can't fix it and I've pretty much given up trying to fix it through exercise.  Yes, I don't like to look at myself naked in the mirror: I don't like what I see reflected back.  I don't think it looks good.  I don't love the way it looks.  Sometimes I hate the way it looks.  But it doesn't stop me from working hard because I have other goals on which I'm working--goals that don't give a hoot how tight my midsection is.  I do love my body because it can run 10 miles and then still make a hearty breakfast for my family.  I love it because it can do 4 chin-ups!  I love it because it can lift weights, hang laundry, clean the bathroom, drive, read, knit and crochet, cook, walk, jump rope, heck, smile and just be here.  I won't front, it does bother me when I see other women who don't work nearly as hard as I do with (at least) smooth stomachs (even if there is a little pouch).  What can you do?  As a human, we often compare ourselves and envy others and wonder, "why me?" and I'm not exempt.   

I have come to the realization that I loved what my body looked like pre-kids because I received a lot of validation about it from men and from the media.  I had a classic hourglass figure.  Svelte.  I could wear pretty much anything and make it look good.  I didn't have to try to camouflage anything.  I can't honestly say I liked it just because it was mine but I liked it, no loved it, because the world did.  Currently that's not the case.  I'm quite muscular with broad shoulders and my waist and hips measure pretty much the same (giving me what I usually see labelled as an "athletic" physique).  My breasts are saggy and deflated post-nursing.  And I already described my belly.  Certainly not what society deems as lovely.  So I'm cognizant of the fact that I'm going to have pull some love for the way my body looks from way deep inside and I'm working on it.  

I hope one day I fall in love with what my body looks like but today is not that day.  Today, I'm grateful for being able to find a different focus and all the wonderful blessings that come from having that different focus.  

A Change of Pace

I was doing my usual Sunday long run yesterday and as I neared the end, it struck me:  I'm ready to be in a race.  For a long time, I've avoided races--just not really feeling them.  But yesterday, all of a sudden, it felt like a very good idea.  I have just one more workout and I will have completed the New Rules of Lifting for Women. I have been looking for what to do next in terms of lifting programs and I honestly thought it was settled:  after I finished with NROL4W, I would just take a week off and start NROL4Abs.  But this didn't get me excited at all.  This race?  It does.  So this just seems like the perfect time to start training for a race.  

I signed up for the Yonkers 1/2 Marathon on Sunday, September 18, 2011.  Currently, my weekly mileage is somewhere around 9 or 10 miles and so I have a bit of work to do.  I like the challenge.  Initially, I thought I might like to come in under two hours but as this is my first race, my goal is to finish.  I think that's a good enough goal.  Once I conquer this first race, I'll be better able to tell if races are for me and then I can set other goals.  

The next question is how to train and there are tons of training programs available.  I know I want this to be fun and not interfere with other aspects of my life most especially running my household and taking care of my family.  Over at Black Girls Run, there's a "Run Your First Half Marathon Training Program" and it's the one I've chosen for better or worse.   It's an 8-week training program and I'll train for 5 days (3 days running and 2 days cross training) and rest for 2. On my cross training days, I will lift as I am not willing to completely sacrifice my strength gains (and this fabulous muscle I've put on).  I'm going to just re-start the New Rules of Lifting for Women although I do not wish to to complete the whole program again.  I will also probably do interval training on the stationary bike or elliptical--no more than 20 or so minutes.  On my rest days, I'll practice yoga or just rest altogether.  

I've never been really technical about my runs so I'll be learning a lot of new terms and techniques.  I think this race is just what I needed to shake things up a bit.  So, yeah, I'm excited about it.  It will be a real change of pace.

Review of Two Workout DVDs: Cathe Friedrich HiiT and Shiva Rea Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow

Over the past few months, I have acquired a few more workout DVDs even though I am spending a lot of time in the gym doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women.  (I'm just about finished Stage 5, by the way, and I'm still highly, highly recommending this program.)  The new titles I have acquired in the cardio genre are Amy Bento Advanced Step Challenge, Michelle Dozois Peak 10 Cardio Interval, Cathe Friedrich HiiT.   The new yoga DVDs I have are Shiva Rea Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow Yoga and Power Flow Yoga,  Element AM & PM Yoga, Yoga Zone Flexibility and Stress Release, Rodney Yee Ultimate Power Yoga and Yoga: Spirit of Vinyasa Flow by Deb Dobbin.  Eventually, I'd like to review all of those titles but today I thought I'd review two: Cathe Friedrich HiiT and Shiva Rea Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow.  

Cathe Friedrich HiiT consists of three different workouts, each at a very reasonable 30 minutes (approximately).  HiiT is high intensity interval training and it's one of the best way to stay in good cardiovascular shape without sacrificing your hard-earned muscle.  This DVD is tough.  But a whole lot of fun.  Ms. Friedrich is one of my favorite workout DVD personalities.  Her cuing is perfectly on point and the routines she has put together are challenging but not complex.  What you get is an excellent workout (that includes a great warm up and cool down in a short amount of time).  When you're done, you'll know that you worked out.  

I've also been eyeing Ms. Friedrich's Intensity because I really like these DVDs where you can customize how much time you spend on cardio. I really don't need to be doing cardio for an hour these days so I'd rather do a DVD that gives me a choice.  (And, I don't know, it bothers me to cut a DVD short.)

Shiva Rea's Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow Yoga is really a gem.  I borrowed it from the library twice before I decided I needed to buy it.  There are seven 20-minute practices on this DVD from which you can choose.  There are some pre-set practices or you can make up your own.  If you add the 5 minute warm-up/meditation and then the 5-minute cool-down/savasana, to one of the 20-minute practices, you have a solid 30-minute yoga practice that is energizing but also very relaxing.  Each 20 minute routine is very different from the others.  Some require more energy (Fire) and include lots of push-ups and strength building moves.  Others are more sedate and relaxing (Shanti) which is wonderful for doing after a run because it targets many of the areas that get really tight from running such as the hamstrings and especially the hips.  Shiva Rea's style is always calming and I love how meditative doing yoga with her can be.  I find myself constantly drawn back when my mind starts to wander.  I find my energy to be significantly calmed after doing one of the practices.  

I'm really working hard right now going to the gym three times a week and fitting in short cardio sessions and yoga practices around that.  I'm not going to any yoga classes in part to save money but also because the times for the classes are not all that convenient for me.  (There was a 6 o'clock class on Thursday mornings I was going to for a while but the teacher's style just didn't work for me.)  So yoga DVDs are really the way to go and I have a couple more on the list that I'd like to get soon.  

Examining My Relationship with Food

The first person I heard talk of having a relationship with a thing was Suze Orman.  She says that our relationship with our money speaks volumes about our mental/spiritual health. Other people have echoed the same sentiment when it comes to food.  Perceiving how I deal with money or food as a relationship makes a great deal of sense to me on a very basic level and I see how my mental/spiritual health directly relates.

Photo Credit

If you've been following this blog for any amount of time, you know that I lost 40+ pounds on Weight Watchers.  It wasn't particularly hard for me to do it.  I've watched more than one person really struggle on the program, feeling constricted and like a failure for not being able to follow the plan.  I never say that Weight Watchers can work for everyone because there's one big aspect of my personality that WW fed right into: my need for control.

Oh, I like control.  I long since recognized that I couldn't control anyone else.  As a child I remembered feeling like that because of the relationship I had with my parents (and witnessing their relationship with each other).  And so I developed into a woman who is very disciplined, very orderly and very in control of herself.  I love folders and other organizational devices.  I imagine my mind as one big filing cabinet.  The biggest criticism I receive from those close to me is that I am regimented.  I find it hard to deviate from the course I have set for myself and I experience great disappointment and sadness (bordering on depression) if I "let myself go".  In short, I never let myself go with the flow.  I make the flow (damn it).  

This tendency carries over to how I deal with food and why I think I was so successful on Weight Watchers.  I have no problem--even enjoy--tracking a week's worth of what I am going to eat.  Planning everything that goes into my mouth.  And sticking with the plan.  I derive deep satisfaction from sticking with the plan.  If I successfully stick with it, I feel elation.  If I don't, I feel like I have let myself down.  I don't feel bad about eating "bad foods".  I feel bad about not following my plan.   

So what's wrong?  What's the problem?  Every one wants to be more disciplined and have more will power and stick to their plans.  I'm at my goal weight.  Healthy.  What have you.  But I feel like eating should be intuitive.  You should eat when hungry.  Stop when full.  I eat when I should.  And stop when I eat how much I had planned to eat to meet my daily points target.  To top it off, I usually shut down when I eat.  I avoid paying attention to my food usually by reading.  I tell myself that I'm reading while I eat because it's the only time I really get to do it.  This is true in part but it's not a good enough excuse.  I also eat quickly.  Even when I try to eat slowly, I find myself eating fast as if I just want to get it over with already.  And I have always had a rocky relationship with food.  I am a picky eater.  One of the pickiest adults I know.  I don't like trying new things and now there's the added component of avoiding foods because I have no idea what the points values are for those foods.  My relationship with food is one of rigidity and control.  It's not pleasant.  It's not enjoyable.

There is only one point in my life (post-puberty) that I can pinpoint where I really relished eating and that was during my first year of marriage.  The hubby and I ate a lot.  Big breakfasts.  Big lunches (think double decker veggie burgers).  Big dinners (lots and lots of pasta).  I put on 10 lbs. in my first year of marriage but I did not care . . . didn't even notice.  I was just having fun.  

But like many things in life, that fun didn't last and now eating has turned into a serious affair.  No lightheartedness.  No spontaneity.  I don't bake anymore because I can't "afford" the points.  And when I do bake, I think of each cookie, muffin, slice of cake in terms of points and my plan.  

It's all deeply and painfully intertwined with my quest to find out what I have been eating that's been making me feel so badly.  I haven't quite placed a finger on it but as of late, so much of the time I don't want to eat (even though I may need to) because I don't want to feel worse.  (For what it's worth, I've come to the conclusion that my gut is damaged from years of eating things that didn't agree with me namely soy and other beans/legumes and wheat.  I am not eating those things now and following a regimen of slippery elm, probiotics and prune juice--and I hate prune juice.)

So maybe I should quit Weight Watchers but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me panic to think of not tracking.  I *really* wanted to quit when they overhauled the old program (because, of course, as a person who likes control, I am not comfortable with change).  But I didn't have the balls to do it. 

I've read books such a Geneen Roth's book but usually the target audience is people who overeat; who can't control how much they eat or control themselves around food or who are really strict with themselves and then fail and feel terrible.   I don't think of foods as good or bad.  I don't feel guilt at having eaten a whole bag of chips.  I'm more concerned about whether I have enough points to eat that food or not and will chide myself more so about the points than the food.  I don't know how to explain it really . . . there's a serious disconnect between the food I eat and me.  It's just one more thing for me to meticulously control.  I've read books about mindfulness in eating and all that. But honestly, my relationship with food is a manifestation of my mind state and so beyond reading books, I'm steadily searching for a practice that allows me to get grounded and centered.  On a deep level, I know that there needs to be some fasting-- complete separation from food for a while so that I can gain some clarity about why my relationship with food is the way it is.  Once I finish NROL4W, I probably will.  Nothing major.  Just a day here and there.  And I will try not to track during that time.

Anyway, doing Weight Watchers and achieving my weight loss goals has really been a great opportunity catalyst for examining my relationship with food.  

Mother's Guilt

is never too far away.

An acquaintance of mine recently said: "There's no such thing as bad weather . . . only bad clothing".  And I've sort of come to agree.  I still despise the cold (after all, I'm an African and do far, far better in the heat) but I see that if one dresses properly, one can be comfortable in some pretty extreme weather.  

I made the decision to continue running through the winter and invested a grip on appropriate winter running gear.  When I go for a run in 20 degree weather, this is what I'm wearing:

Bottom

• wool socks 
• Underarmour base layer bottom
• fleece pants over that
• windbreaker pants

Top

• Underarmour base layer top
• fleece vest
• fleece windbreaking jacket
• windbreaker
• gaiter
• fleece hat underneath a wool hat

Hands

• silk liner gloves
• windbreaker running gloves
• fleece-lined wool mitts

And wouldn't you know it?  It works.  I'm comfortable throughout my run (although I do need to get something to protect my face--Vaseline can only do so much).  I've cut my runs down a bit.  Short runs are now 20 minutes and long runs only 40-45 minutes.  So I can be outside without asking myself what the hell I'm doing out there for about 45 minutes.  It's amazing.  I've always been the kind to hunker down once the thermometer drops--a real whimp about the cold and here I am.  

Anyway, it got me to thinking that if I can be outside for 45 minutes in freezing temperatures, so could my kids.  And heaven knows they need to get out.  All this pent up energy . . . they are just bouncing off the walls trapped inside the house because of the cold.  But they don't have appropriate winter gear--nothing made for being outside for longer than 10-15 minutes maximum.  And they should.

Uh-oh.  Whenever should comes into the conversation, guilt is soon to follow.

I started to feel terrible because I've plunked down all this money on clothes to make running in the cold possible but I really haven't invested any time or money into serious cold weather clothes for them.  Oh, they have all kinds of "warm" mittens and hats, jackets and sweaters made from polyester fleece.  It's warm.  It's good.  But it's not the best for the cold.  It's not as good as wool and other natural fibers.  That's what they should be wearing!

I've been planning to knit wool hats and gloves for my kids for a long time.  I have the patterns lined up and all.  I just haven't gotten around to it.  I checked the prices for wool long johns and socks online and it's not cheap.  I felt bad because I've spent so much on stuff for myself without buying warmer, higher quality stuff for them.  

Until I realized that I wouldn't even be considering taking my kids out to play in this kind of weather had I not challenged myself to continue running through winter.  I would never have thought it would be possible to have fun outside in the cold (even if we can't be out there for hours).  The whole re-structuring of my attitude towards the cold is a direct result of running.   Why should I feel guilty about buying the things that allow me to do this one thing that does so much for me?  So I dropped the guilt thing.

In a few weeks, I'll look into wool long johns and socks for them.  I'll slowly purchase yarn to make wool hats and mittens.  Meanwhile, they have wool sweaters I bought at the thrift store over the years, random wool hats that I've made over the years that they can wear under their fleece hats, and cotton waffle knit long johns that while not the greatest are okay.  So maybe we won't be able to be out for very long right now but at least it's a possibility in my mind.    

Fitness Mish-Mash

This week and last week have been difficult for me.  I've been fighting off a chest cold and flu-like symptoms.  I've been trying to take it easy but I'm still keeping up as much as my body allows.  I just finished a short 25 minute run and I actually feel really good right now. Here's to hoping the feeling stays.

Anyway,  a few notes:

1. I have continued to run even though in the morning the temperature is consistently below 40 degrees.  It's been working out except for the fact that my hands get really cold.  It can be painful, too especially when I get back into the warm house.  So I did a little research online and invested in a pair os 180s Ultralite CRG running gloves. They cost $25--more than I've ever spent on a pair of gloves (but thankfully, shipping was free).  They arrived quickly and I was excited to try them to see if they would work.  I was disappointed. Admittedly, my hands stayed warmer than if I had worn my regular winter gloves (fleece gloves lined with Thinsulate) or my thin, acrylic running gloves but my hands were not warm.  So, after reading some more reviews and articles, I invested a little more money and bought a pair of silk liners.  This improved the situation but it's still not perfect.  My hands are still cold when I run but at least, I will happily say, they are not painful--just uncomfortable.  I thought maybe I could pick up a pair of thin, inexpensive fleece gloves and try layering the silk gloves underneath the fleece gloves . . . or some variation.  I've been wanting to knit wool gloves forever but who am I kidding?  Quite honestly though, my hands and feet are usually cold even when I'm not running--more so than the average person, I'd say.  So I guess I should expect it to be a challenge for them to stay warm when I'm running (and all the blood is pumping to my lower half).  
2. Lately, sometimes before and after a run, I've been doing yoga stretches indoors.  I found Karen at FlexibleWarriorYoga on YouTube and subscribed.  She does an excellent job of putting together simple, quick yoga routines to target all the muscle groups that get worked during running.  Generally to warm up before a run, though, I do the warm-up that goes with the Plyometrics X routine that's part of P90X.  That warm up is awesome because it really does get me very warm while stretching out all the muscles that I will be using during the run.  But for a quick run like today's, Karen's pre-run warm up is what's up:
3. I've been feeling kind of disconnected from my body with the whole gluten/intestinal issues stuff.  It's so amazing how exercise helps to bring me back to my body.  Simple things when doing exercise like how my hamstrings are affected by my spine.  Today, I was fascinated by what a difference arching my spine makes for a stretch (as opposed to rounding it).  If I round my spine, my hamstring will not fully stretch.  Arch it and oh boy.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm a little dorky in this regard but really and honestly, exercise is my release.  I don't really know I could deal with how badly I often feel in my gut if I didn't exercise.  It's the only time these days where I feel healthy and in tune and wanting to be in my body.  

Anyway, so that's my fitness mish-mash.  Hope you are enjoying the Thanksgiving holiday--or at least the day off.  

Working with a Stability Ball

I've had Women's Health Total Workout in Ten (led by Amy Dixon, one of my favorites) for some time now but I had never tried the stability ball workout because I didn't have a stability ball.  Well, a few weeks ago, I picked one up for $10 (I hope it lasts). I bought it primarily because it's required for the New Rules of Lifting for Women, a program I really want to start soon if I could just focus and read the book.  Anyway, I finally got around to doing the core section in Total Workout in Ten.  Just a few minutes ago.  While the kids are awake, no less.  (They are currently playing with the stability ball and having a blast.  Please, kids, don't pop my stability ball!)

The routine is a quick 10-15 minute deal.  It's over before you know it.  But my core is really lighted up right.  It was a lot of fun yet challenging!  I'm looking into purchasing some more DVDs that utilize stability balls.  I've been rocking with Ab Ripper X for some months now and I'm getting a little tired of it (not that it's not still kicking my behind).  It'll be cool to add something just as challenging but different  

Photo Credit

Running in the Winter

The time is coming when running outside will not be a matter of simply putting on my sneakers, grabbing my I-pod and heading out the door.  Winter is coming!  Already I have to warm up for 5-10 minutes indoors before I go out for my runs and it's only about 50 degrees in the early morning.   I can see my breath and after about 30 minutes, if I don't have on gloves, I can't feel my fingers.  I've been thinking about what I'm going to do when the temperatures really plummet.  Essentially there are three options:

1. Invest in some cold weather running gear.   I read this article.  I already have layer one and layer two.  I need to work on layer three which is basically a windbreaker jacket (I can use the hubby's) and windbreaker pants which I'm pretty sure I can get at the thrift store.  I would need some kind of hat (I just wear a regular cotton hat right now which is not too bad), gloves (I wear my fleece gloves lined with Thinsulate which get a little too hot and sweaty), a baklava, and a good pair of socks.  Also, some reflective bands or something since when I go out, it's still quite dark.  So not too, too much of an investment.
2. Join the local gym for the duration of the winter so I can make use of the treadmill.  I am pretty sure I will not enjoy treadmill running. I like, you know, going somewhere when I run.  But another advantage of joining the gym would be that I could potentially take classes and make use of the weight machines since I would like to start the The New Rules of Lifting for Women this winter. Another advantage is that as long as I could make it to the gym, I could run.  If I'm counting on running outside, snow, sleet and ice could make it impossible. 
3. Stop running for the winter and invest in some more DVDs.  I really don't want to stop running.  Actually, I can't realistically imagine not running for the entire winter.

So it's really between 1 and 2 and I'm happy I have a little more time to decide.

Meanwhile, I've just completed another round of the Push Circuit in the Chalean Extreme program.  I'm not quite sure where to go next but I think I'm going to mix it up a little.  My goal is:

• to lift heavy (to build strength) two times a week (I might repeat the Lean Circuit in CE), 
• to lift lighter weight (to build endurance doing more like in Jari Love's programs or in Jillian Michael's strength program) or use body weight (like these Body Rock workouts) once a week and 
• to continue with 3+ hours of cardio worked in there somehow.  Currently, 1:30 of my cardio during the week is running so it's a big portion and I am loathe to give it up even for a couple of months!

How do your workouts change in the winter months?

Photo Credit

339 Moves!

One of the fitness goals I had for myself was to be able to complete all the exercises in the Ab Ripper X routine (part of the P90X program--339 moves) with excellent form.  When I first started doing the routine, I couldn't complete even half of the reps.  I have stuck with this routine for months now despite the fact that it is really challenging.  It definitely is how Tony Horton describes: "[you] hate it but [you] love it" because even though it's tough, you keep coming back.  The challenge is just that attractive.

I'm so pleased to say that this morning that I completed all 339 moves in the Ab Ripper X program with perfect form.  I did not stop to take breaks.  I did not modify to make the exercises easier.  And when Tony says, "If you stuck with us, you just did 339 core slashing exercises," I said, "Indeed I did."  It felt great.  

I think I mentioned it but one of my other fitness goals for 2010 was to be able to do 10 push-ups (unmodified) and I'm pleased to say that I reached that one as well.  Another goal that I set was to be able to do one chin-up (unmodified) and I am still working on that one.

One thing I have realized is that the advice is true: you need to be well hydrated to perform.  Just 8-12 ounces of water 30 minutes before exercising dramatically improved how I perform.  Even if I don't feel dehydrated, it makes a big difference when I just go on ahead and drink the water.  

Anyway, I reached my goal!  I had not specifically planned to reach it before the year's end but I did.  And now that I know I can, it's just mind over matter to do it consistently.  

DVD Review: 10 Minute Solution Knockout Body

Once I realized that Jessica Smith is the person who put together this workout, I knew it would be good.  She's the one who did the Women's Health Train for Your Body Type DVD and to this day, that DVD is still a seriously good workout.  I end up sweating and breathing hard even though I've been doing it for quite a while.  So, as you can imagine, I was excited to try 10 Minute Solution Knockout Body.  And I was not disappointed.  (See a brief clip and check out more reviews here.)

Like all the DVDs in the 10 Minute Solution series, the DVD is broken up into 5 ten minute segments.  Right off the bat, this is wonderful because as soon as you are about to get bored, it's over and a new workout begins (and Ms. Smith wears a different outfit for each one--I don't know, somehow that really helps).  So you can go through all 5 segments or pick and choose.  Today, I chose 2 of the cardio sessions.  I didn't have the gloves so I used a two pound dumbbell in each hand.  Each dumbbell has a neoprene strap so that helped hold them in place while I was punching.  It was really an excellent workout.

Usually on Fridays, I lift weights for 30-35 minutes, do some ab work (Ab Ripper X which I completely rocked today) and then I jump rope for 15-20 minutes.  But I wanted to be a little easy on my knees today and kickboxing is the perfect workout for really building up a sweat without much impact.   This kickboxing workout in particular is wonderful. I think next week I may swap out Ab Ripper X one day and do the core segment from this DVD.  

So overall, a solid workout!

According to my scale . . .

I'm losing weight.  I dropped a pound at each of my last two weigh-ins.  I am still trying to find the  right balance so that I won't continue to lose weight.  I think I'm thin enough and actually I feel a little too thin and light.  I kind of miss my substance.

So this week, I'm trying to up how much I eat since I do not want to reduce how much I workout.  And let me tell you, it's the funniest thing.

I've got my points set to 29 a day.  Obviously I need to eat more than that daily to stay at my current weight so I'm eating all my weekly points plus I will try to eat some of the exercise points.  The thing is, I am not hungry.  29 points (plus 2 points or so daily) is really enough for me to feel full and satisfied.  And so what's happening is that I feel stuffed after meals--and I do not like that feeling.  Also, I am having a hard time (psychologically) going over my points.  Like today I will have used 15 of my weekly points and I almost can't stand to look at my tracker.  One part of me insists that I will get to a point where my body will refuse to lose any more weight so I can just keep doing what I've been doing.  Another part of me fears that I will just waste away if I don't eat more.  Sounds a little . . . unhealthy to me. 

Okay, I know I have control issues and all that.  And Weight Watchers plays into that wonderfully since I now can (meticulously) control what I eat.  It's all there.  Tracked.  And printable.  It's become a part of my life, tracking and I'm starting to think it might be healthier for me to stop tracking for a while and maybe get back in tune with what my body wants to do.  However, I have a nagging fear that my body will simply pack the pounds back on.

Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with terrible intestinal issues.  I'll be getting tested in two weeks for gluten intolerance/celiac disease but sometimes, the tests miss it.  I hope my tests don't.  I'd really like to know for sure before I dive head-first into the (still somewhat daunting) world of gluten free living. 

Anyway, my next weigh in is on Sunday.  Here's to hoping that my weight will have at least stayed stable.