A while back I expressed how challenging it has been to actually work out since Z2 has been getting up earlier and/or at different, unpredictable times in the morning. It actually started to stress me out a lot. Instead of my "me time" in the morning , it became one huge race to squeeze everything in before Z2 wakes up. I was getting angry at him and even angrier at the situation. It became obvious that trying to get up earlier was counterproductive as I was struggling to stay motivated without the promise of a good chunk of time to myself. I was also struggling to get up at 5:00 (sometime 4:45) with no guarantee that I could get anything done (and also waking up quite tired despite 8+ hours of sleep). I realized that I needed a change when this past week, what should have been a routine cough turned into bronchitis that landed me in the emergency room. See, for me stress *always* translates into getting really sick and being really exhausted physically and psychologically. The issue is that I can be really stressed but have a difficult time acknowledged that until, unfortunately, I'm having difficult time breathing.

Anyway, a change of course is needed, of course. I thought about joining a gym or the YMCA but after pricing all that, it will seriously have to be a last resort unless I can find some kind of part-time income. Add to that the fact that my local YMCA is sorely lacking in classes and the gyms I can afford do not have yoga classes. If I'm going to leave the house to exercise, I really want it to be a one-stop deal. I mean, I know I can't afford yoga classes on top of the gym so it needs to be combined somehow. Yet gyms that do offer yoga are about $70+ a month which is for my financial situation, a nearly impossible reach.

While Z2's sleep in the morning is unpredictable, his sleep at night is. By 9:00, he is predictably out like a light and it takes much less time than

it used to to actually get him down. And so, Chi-Chi, the confirmed early riser/morning person, is going to try working out at night. My sister suggested it and while I was resistant to the idea at first, it actually makes good sense at this juncture.

I started to go to bed along with the boys for two reasons. First, I was generally exhausted at the end of the day and passed out with them while putting them to bed. I'd wake up at some obscene hour in the morning still in my clothes, disoriented and annoyed. So I started getting ready for bed with them and going to sleep at the same time they did which meant I would get up really early in the morning. Secondly, the hubby wanted time alone when he got home from work so I would try to give him his space. Nowadays, I'm not so winded at the end of the day and I don't have as much difficulty staying awake while putting the boys to bed. Also, the hubby doesn't get home till about 10:45. I'll be out of his way by that time.

I could work out from about 9:15-10:15 . . . a good solid hour which I know will not be interrupted. I would shower after and head off to bed. This may actually help me lose more weight (burn off dinner) and may lead to better sleep. I know that I have to have dinner over and done by 6:15 the latest so that I have at least 2 hours between when I ate and when I exercise. This might be a bit stressful too but I'm going to try. I'm excited to start and really hoping it works out. If it does indeed work out, I will invest in P90X (including the whole eating thing since I know I need to change my eating and was thinking about joining Weight Watchers for my birthday) because I will actually have the time to do it. It seems like this may be a whole lot less stressful.

Meanwhile, in the mornings I will still be hoping to get some quiet time to do my spiritual work although I don't mind (as much) having Z2 around while I'm doing that. I did this morning which helped me tremendously.

I don't know . . . the mornings have been so erratic since Z2 started this whole waking up whenever thing. I really want to get a handle on it. As it is now, it's 7:57 and Z2 is just waking up (which means Z1 and the hubby are just now waking up too). I can't plan a thing (including getting Z1's academics in). I know the fact that the hubby works late makes mornings difficult but I still need some kind of routine and predictability. So a lot is riding on changing my workout from morning till evening.

The hubby says the solution to all of this is to wean. But I'm not quite ready yet and neither is Z2.

You're Still Nursing?

Z2 made 20 months on the 29th of this month. I realized a few weeks back that I have been avoiding nursing him in public. Why? The reaction. Inevitably, someone will comment, "Wow, you're still nursing him?" which usually touches off a lively conversation about breastfeeding. Someone will invariably say they wanted to go as long as I am but "didn't have enough milk". Without a doubt, another will say, "Well, after 6 months, there's no real benefit to nursing . . . it's only comfort" which is usually a passive criticism of the fact that I'm still nursing. So subconsciously, I have been trying not to nurse in public. Z2 is old enough now where he can be distracted with games, toys and snacks so it's not imperative that I nurse him when he wants but it's just so telling of our society.

The World Health Organization recommends nursing up until 2 years of age and as long as mother and child are okay with it. Yet, it is still seen as an anomaly and very strange when folks see it.

I've always been one to be very open about nursing. I've nursed anywhere and everywhere and I don't believe in all these nursing cover up and nursing tents. I wear a shirt that I can easily pull up and a bra that easily pulls down. So it's discreet, if you will, but I'm not hiding. There's nothing to hide. I seriously and honestly believe that if Victoria Secret can run television ads and have billboards, no one should give me any flack about using my breasts for their intended purpose. Still, I am one of the very few folks I see nursing a child so big.

But I've been off my game about encouraging folks with breastfeeding. I've been quiet and just tried to keep the peace when folks come at me with stories about how "strong" and how "different" I am because I have been successful with breastfeeding since breastfeeding is oh.so.difficult. I always acknowledge that it is indeed hard for many in the beginning and so women can never overcome that initial challenge. Some women really do have supply issues or face the challenge of continuing a breastfeeding relationship while working. But I also acknowledge that there's a whole lot of sabotage going on including the taboo about nursing in public and making working mothers feel like they are not entitled to time to pump.

Now, me personally, I can't see myself nursing longer than a little over age two. I won't lie: I'm looking forward to having my body back. I want to do a detox and I really want to get serious about weight loss--which is something you can't really do while nursing. But I'm really annoyed with myself that I have let society's warped ideas about breastfeeding get to me.

Today, Z2 fell at the playground. Nothing too serious. I picked him up, dusted him off, and nursed him. Z2 loved it and was back at play in no time. I felt oddly . . . defiant.

Breastfeeding has become so political and such a huge arena for judging women as mothers. If you do breastfeed, you're heralded as a great mom but only if you don't do it too long or too openly or "militantly". If you don't, you could be seen as a liberated woman, undereducated or viewed as just not caring for your baby as much as the next woman. There's plenty, and I mean plenty, of judgment to go around which leaves most of us feeling like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Here's a great take on the issue from Baj4Life posted on her blog Navelgazing.

Image courtesy of http://www.breastfeedingcafe.com/newsletterwinter.htm