And now I lay me down to sleep

Often before I go to bed, I feel the urge to pray to God. This is despite the fact that I'm in a place where I am unsure about God. I don't understand God and while I don't know if I would want a God that I could completely understand, I don't feel able to trust a God I don't. I don't feel warmly towards God necessarily. I don't feel like God is my Mother/Father or that God takes care of me. I'm not really sure if God loves me. Or if God even deals with love since love is more so a human emotion and feeling. Maybe God is love. Maybe God is not. Maybe God is something beyond love. Like an inseparable union of love and hate. Something we can't grasp as humans. I don't know. Confused jumble of feelings about God is what I am.

But I do know that up until now, for some reason on the other, I've been protected and provided for so I give thanks to the Universe/God. I'm not sure if He/She/It is listening or interested in my thanks but I am thankful nonetheless. But when I get that urge to pray, that's what I usually do even though feeling like I need to pray is probably more a force of habit than anything else. I think it's pointless to pray for protection for myself or for my family or to pray for things in general. I have no idea if that's what is in God's plan for me or if there is even a plan or if God is making up the plan as we go along. I feel like if there is a plan in order for my life, I can't do much to change it. All I can do really is accept it and do the best I can in any situation I'm faced with and try my hardest to set my course the way I want it to go. No guarantees it'll go that way, though.

Sometimes I wish I had a concept of God for myself that was more comforting. That I could nestle into and rely on. That would, I think, make the difficult times easier since I would be convinced that, hey, someone out there has my best interest at heart, I mean, He/She/It loves me with every fiber of it's being and He/She/It is Big Boss Hog straight running shit. (as opposed to it running itself). Someone once told me (before I learned to knit/crochet) that God must love humanity because God created it. When I started to knit/crochet, I realized that was a shaky argument. How many things have I made that I completely hated and then unraveled or threw in the bottom of the draw or donated or used as a rag of some sort? Yeah. Not much comfort there.

Anyway, so here I am trying to find a path that works for me and that feels right to me and that makes sense and that doesn't rely too heavily on God. I'm mean, I'm not mad at God at all. I just don't get It and I'm not sure I will. But is it the supreme level of haughtiness and pride not to just submit? Why do I have to get it? Why can't I pull up some faith from within myself and just trust?

One question just leads to another.

So when I lay down to sleep, instead of going down that road, I just say thank you with all my heart for all my blessings. And I leave it at that.

Gumbo!

So, I've never had real gumbo like with real sausage and neither has the hubby but when I saw Vegan Dad's recipe for Gumbo with Vegan Andouille Sausage a few years ago, I was intrigued. So I made it bu I think I was the only one who liked it. Granted, I didn't have some of the ingredients then so that might have been the problem.

Well, on one of Z1's DVDs (don't ask me which one) they were talking about gumbo and so Z1 was nagging me to make some. Since we were in a kind of rut meal-wise (beans, beans and more beans albeit with a variety of grains and breads), I decided to make it again. This time, it was a real hit. I think I will make this more often with one modification and that is to brown the sausages before I add them to the soup. Even though the Andouille sausages were delicious, we all agreed: we didn't like the mushiness of the sausage in the soup. Browning them before adding them to the soup may help to keep them a little more firm.

Each serving of the gumbo was about 6 Weight Watcher's points each and since it's a very filling meal (lots of vegetables), that 6 really good quality points. I'm sure I'll make it again soon especially in these cold winter months (the pepper really warms you up).

It's the hubby's weekend off (and one of the very few where he's not working overtime) and I love to make comfort foods when he's home. Today, I'm making pancakes and tempeh bacon for breakfast (although I'm not having pancakes). I'm making pizza for dinner.

FO: Clapotis

I'm so excited to finally be able to share my Clapotis! I have wanted to knit this for a long time and so it feels great to say I did it. This project was a lot of fun to do even though it was a relatively large project because it was easy to memorize the pattern and the motion was fluid and repetitive without being boring. In other words, there was enough variety in what I was doing to keep me engaged but I didn't have to devote 110% of my focus to the project. This translated into a project I could do while the kids were awake which was great. It was nice to have my fingers working on something consistently for so long and I have to say, the finished product is beautiful. It has a lacy feel to it because of the dropped stitches but I used medium sized needles (Size 7) and a worsted weight yarn. So here are some pictures:

The pictures don't do this pattern much justice so I hope you look at some pictures from other folks to get a better idea of just how pretty it is.

The yarn I used was Filatora Lanarota that I got last year at Smiley's Yarn blowout. I really love this deep and rich color but I think if I were to do this pattern again in the future, I would go for a variegated yarn or something a bit lighter. I bought four skeins of this color for this project but I ended up only using two and a half. That was a nice surprise and I'm already thinking about what I'll use the rest of the yarn for. Z1 needs another extra-large soaker (that boy has some thick, muscular thighs--sheesh) and this yarn would be perfect for such a project.

Since I've got some momentum going, I immediately started on another (simple) project: a crocheted hot water bottle cover. I'm using just some oddly colored variegated cotton yarn that I had in my stash. We usually wrap our hot water bottle in towels to keep it from burning the skin but a cover actually made for it would be much more functional. I'm only loosely following the pattern, I have to say though, because I am a much more advanced crocheter, I basically know what to do without needed to stay glued to the pattern. This project will be my daytime work while the kids are awake. I am determined to finish my Monkey sock by the end of next week by the latest. How long can a project wait to get finished? Yeah, it's really time to finish!

So I've got my knitting/crochet mojo back (I think). Chimamanda Adichie's new book That Thing Around Your Neck just came in at the library (I had put it on hold). I hope it doesn't derail me too much.

Relative Worth of Beliefs

Beliefs are just that. They are not right and they are not wrong. They change. They evolve. Sometimes. They remain rigid and unchanging. Most of the time. And in this world, the worth of beliefs is simply relative. My beliefs are worth more to me than yours and vice versa. That doesn't mean yours are worthless (or bad for that matter) at least it shouldn't mean that. But to some people, it does.

I'm not a Christian now even though I was raised as one. I was raised to believe that anything outside of the Protestant Christian way of believing was a lie. That included Catholicism. Islam was especially despised given the history of Nigeria and my parents being Igbo. Indigenous belief systems were purely devil worship--originated by and in worship of the devil.

I do not see the world that way. I think everyone can believe whatever they want to so long as it doesn't infringe on my right to believe what I want. But humans have not evolved to that point yet. Will we ever? I don't know.

It seems for many the most disturbing part of voodoo is the animal sacrifice. Yet animal sacrifice was what was required in the Old Testament before Christ became the ultimate and final sacrifice. Abraham was quite ready to sacrifice his own son because God said so. It's always been disturbing to me that a loving God would sacrifice his only child for anyone or anything but hey, it's a Christian belief so according to some misguided folks, we should all take it for granted, no questions asked. Nothing too terrible about that. It's all mystical and historical and God-ordained so it's all good. For the Bible tells me so.

I don't mean to knock anyone's faith at all but it takes a special kind of hubris to think that you have a direct line to God Almighty to know His mind and know the reason behind all that happens in this world. Little you. Who doesn't even really know what's going on in your own subconscious.

Too much of what voodoo and other indigenous faith systems are about are unknown. As a consequence, there's too much misinformation and fear. Add to that the fact that these systems of belief come from people of color: dark people from a dark place and it's easy to see how people can callously talk about pacts with the devil and then turn around and try to do relief efforts--all in the same breath.

I think I've read it all today: that Haiti got it's independence "too soon" is another bit of foolishness floating around. That if it had waited till the 1950s or 60s it would have been so much better off.
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I'm waiting to read a really good article about this by someone with more time and more energy to research it and write it. Me? I've been up since 5:20AM. Z2 woke up around the same time and never went back down. Exercising is a no go today--I've got pain in the tendon of my ankle and I've had it for two days. I also have a headache and I put on one pound. It's cold outside and this tragedy in Haiti is weighing me down tremendously. I feel powerless to effect change in the world. (((Sigh)))

Haiti's Earthquake and Some Perspective for Me

Things are relatively peaceful right now at least in this corner of the world. This recession/depression wears on and things are pretty bad but it all still feels surreal. In my household, income is still coming in although overtime is no longer worked for extras like vacations and large ticket items but rather to keep our heads comfortably above water. But thank goodness there's that overtime and I'm super grateful for my Saturday job which pays for Weight Watchers and other little things.

I know the world is changing all around and I know I should be saving saving saving. So when I buy things and do things that are not absolutely necessary such as Weight Watchers, my yoga classes (which I bought on sale in December), that cordless hand-held vacuum that will help keep this place cleaner, I sometimes feel guilty and irresponsible.

In all this preparation for the unknown, though, I realize that too much is unknown and really the single best way to prepare doesn't have to do with storing food or saving money but getting my mind in the right place to handle anything. Including the very real possibility that I may not survive. I'm just looking at the pictures of Haiti and all that and wondering what any amount of money or food stores could have done to keep a building from collapsing on top of you. It makes me cynical but also gives me a little of my freedom to be back.

You see, I am right here in this present moment. This is the circumstance. I live where I do. This is the time I live in. And as much as we like to think we're the master of our own destiny, I'm pretty sure we're not running shit the way we think we are. None of this emergency prep business is a guarantee of anything. The shit may hit the fan in a way that would completely blow our minds and render all our preparations and all our savings a nice little fantasy.

So in whatever way I can, I'm going to try to enjoy my life right here. I've food to eat. A place to live. And a very little wiggle room in terms of finances because of my Saturday job. In the next few months, I can't say what the landscape will look like, if internet will still be widely available, if we'll have access to consistent electricity, if the government will declare martial law or if we'll be invaded by aliens. Shit, it could happen later on today. But right now, none of that is going on.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy and start acting recklessly. But I'm already smart about my money. I don't buy things without thinking. I save as much as I can. I reduce, reuse and recycle. I'm frugal. I'm resourceful. If the ship holds together even somewhat, these are some of the things that will keep me going. And the memory of how much I enjoyed that yoga class that I felt unsure about taking when times weren't as hard. I keep on reading my survival/peak oil type blogs because there's a lot of information but it's with a certain levelheadedness and appreciation of what works for me because along with all the info I'm getting is a whole lot of opinion and speculation. And while no one can predict the future, it's good to be aware of the varying versions of the future that are out there--even if so many of them are bleak and sad and involve a great deal of suffering.

So as I think about my brothers and sisters in Haiti, it brings a lot into perspective. I've been chanting for them non-stop and thinking of some ways I could help. I've already donate but that feels kind of impotent. I don't know--it's such a massive destruction. I also keep wishing people like that fool Pat Robertson would go away and it makes me so sad and angry that there a people who actually agree with him. I have heard White people say time and time again that they should not be held responsible for the actions of their ancestors. Even if Haitian slaves "made a pact with devil," what the hell does that have to do with their descendants? And if I hear one more thinly veiled attempt to blame Haitians for their current sorrow because of voodoo . . . Agh . . . I didn't mean to get off topic. Farai Chideya gives the real history here.

I first began to think about how libraries would fare in this depressed economy when I read this blog post by Sharon Astyk. I had already begun to notice some libraries holding fewer hours, opening later and closing earlier but for some reason, and also some really disgruntled workers. It didn't quite hit me as much then. though. I mean, it's obvious that many of us own our own computers (or internet-ready devices) and get our information from the internet. Libraries are much more underutilized these days I remember as a child I used to go to the library with my class to learn how to use the card catalog and how to find things in the library. In college, even, as a freshman, we were required to have a few sessions at the library to familiarize ourselves with how things work there and how to use the library to do research. My nieces and nephews who are in college and high school now have never taken these kinds of classes and almost all research is done on the computer using online databases. So it's very easy for local governments to cut funding to our public libraries and I can't say I don't understand.

But while I, like most people, use the internet for a lot of things (including using the online library card catalog), as someone on a tight budget, the library is an invaluable tool. I know that I cannot afford to lose the library. I currently have almost 30 items out and this includes books for the children, media (DVDs, tapes, CDs, CD-Roms), books on tape, magazines, etc. The library adds a richness to our lives that I want to hold on to. And like Sharon, I wonder, if the internet is no longer available and we have not been keeping up with our libraries, what will we do?

Oh, gadgets like the Kindle are very exciting and convenient but without technology to back them up, they're pretty much useless. So what happens if the technology isn't there or isn't widely available? Not to mention (from a thrifty point of view), I don't always want to buy every book I read. It would be wonderful if someone could perhaps find a way to make things like Kindle work with our existing library systems and it looks like there are some attempts to get Kindle and public libraries together. Instead, it just feels like one more technological advance that may render libraries obsolete. So while folks are giddy about their Kindles, I just can't quite work up the same excitement even though I'm blown away by how the I-pod revolutionized the way I listen to music. I don't know . . . maybe as time goes on I'll be able to jump on the bandwagon. But for now, I'm going to go put some things on hold at the library.

WW Update

I weighed in today and did not lose weight last week. This is after experiencing a dramatic loss (over 10 pounds) the first three weeks. I've been very strict and this week used only about 10 of my allotted 35 weekly points. I have some things I'm going to try: 1) use no weekly points at all (this week) and then 2) use all my weekly points and then 3) use half my weekly points and see where that lands me at the end of each week in terms of weight loss.

I realize that I exercise a lot--each and every day and may actually require more calories. As everyone losing weight should realize, not getting enough calories actually hinders weight loss.

Anyway, I'm loving the program and realizing so many things about how I was eating and about myself. I'll be very happy to get to my goal weight but I'm enjoying the journey to getting there.

Where I'm Going with my Hair

I figure winter is a good time to let my hair grow out. I need the extra warmth. Nothing is more chilly than a fresh cut in winter!

A while back, I learned about Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding, a hair creme that defines curls (without chemicals). I checked out the price too and let's just say, it's way out of my league at $3.50 per ounce. Then, while on Nappturality, I stumbled upon a homemade recipe for a curly pudding. I thought I had saved it somewhere but alas, this morning when I searched for it on my hard-drive, nothing came up. I did a Google search and eventually landed at the site I linked above (and made sure to *really* save the recipe this time). The recipe seems simple enough and I can easily obtain all the ingredients at my local beauty store.

I'm hoping that by the end of winter, I will have enough growth to use it and see what it looks like.

2010!

May 2010 bring you lots of joy, success, fulfilled dreams, profound change, growth, learning and many, many good things.

Photo Credit: "Happy New Year" by Koshyk on Flickr.com

Dark Chocolate Cake with an Unexpected Ingredient

I was really surprised to find a whole cup of sauerkraut as an ingredient in this cake!! It's vegan except for the butter which is easily substituted with Earth Balance or another vegetable-based margarine. The cake is a Weight Watchers recipe and I've never actually tried any from the site. Sauerkraut is a "filling food" which means it's a food that's good for you and keeps you feeling full long so it's pretty nice to find it in a dessert like cake! I was going to try it for Z2's little birthday celebration but since it's a new recipe to me, I think I'll use my tried-and-true recipe and experiment this one out later.

Anyway, here is the Weight Watcher's recipe:
Dark Chocolate Cake

Ingredients
1 spray(s) cooking spray
2 cup(s) all-purpose flour
1 1/3 cup(s) sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
2/3 cup(s) unsweetened cocoa
1/2 cup(s) butter, melted
1 1/2 cup(s) hot water
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup(s) sauerkraut, pureed until smooth
1 tsp unsweetened cocoa

Instructions
Preheat oven to 350°F. Coat a Bundt pan with cooking spray. 
In a large mixing bowl or in the bowl of an electric mixer, combine flour, sugar, baking soda and 2/3 cup of cocoa. Add melted butter, hot water and vanilla extract; mix well. Add sauerkraut and blend thoroughly. Pour batter into prepared pan; bake in center of oven until a tester inserted in center of cake comes out clean, about 55 to 60 minutes. Cool cake in pan for about 20 minutes and then turn out onto a baking rack to cool completely. Sprinkle with 1 teaspoon of cocoa powder before slicing into 14 pieces. Yields 1 slice per serving.

Notes: You can easily change the flavor of this cake by adding strong coffee instead of the hot water or adding cayenne pepper and cinnamon with the vanilla.

POINTS® Value: 4
Servings: 14
Preparation Time: 8 min
Cooking Time: 60 min
Level of Difficulty: Easy

If you try it before me, let me know how it goes!

On another note . . . it's snowing where we are. Again. I've lived here all my life and I still hate the snow. (((sigh)))

Coats and Car Seats

I'm admittedly anal very strict when it comes to my kids' car seats. No, I haven't had them inspected by a professional although I keep saying I will. But I'm 99% sure they are installed correctly and they don't ride in cars without a car seat. (There was that one time in the middle of winter when I was 38 weeks pregnant with Z2 and decided me and Z1 could walk to the avenue--him in his snowsuit. He got so tired and absolutely refused to walk anymore. I tried carrying him but that couldn't work for too long with my huge belly so I sucked it up and took a cab home--with no car seat!) Z2 is also still rear-facing and will be until he reaches the 30 pound limit for rear-facing on his car seat. Z1 is in a seat that harnesses up to 65 pounds. Car seats laws are hardly enforced and most folks I know with kids had their infants forward facing when they turned one and used belt positioning boosters with their older kids (and sometimes even backless ones if one at all). So I know that I'm more concerned about car seats than most folks are (in real life, at least). Heck, I'm more concerned than the hubby who really just does not see the point and lets me alone worry about the car seats.

A few years ago, I first heard the warning that bulky winter coats interfere with the ability of car seats to keep children safe in the event of an accident. The idea is that in the event of an accident, the coat would compress and the child could get tossed out of the car seat.

I really want to keep the kids safe in the car and I'd feel horrible if anything happened that I could have potentially prevented. But we only have street parking and I really can't swing the $199 to get a remote start installed. I had been trying to run out there and start the car but I can't lock the doors with the engine running and no one in the driver's seat. I devised a plan to use the spare key to lock the doors manually. That was working but I have to say, it's really cold and another added step to the numerous steps it already takes to get out the house is just . . . exhausting.

So what I've been doing is just getting to the car, hurriedly turning it on, while we just sit in our coats. Then after I get the engine warmed a little, I turn on the heat full blast, take the kids' coats off and proceed to strap the kids in sans the bulk. They usually have a fleece jacket on underneath their bulky coats and I have fleece blankets to cover them up with.

But let me tell you, yesterday it was bitterly cold. The wind was whipping around. I did not want to be fussing with taking coats on and off (although I did) and so I've just been thinking about a better way to go about this while keeping the kids the safest.

I did a google search and (surprisingly) didn't find many "official" sources on the dangers of bulky coats in car seats. Nonetheless, it makes sense to me that the coat would compress in an accident and I'm always surprised to see how much space there is in the harnesses if one of the kids was wearing something bulky the day before and is wearing something thin the day of.

In doing my google search, I found this:

And here's another good link with pictures how safely wearing a winter coat in the car seat should look.

I think it's a good compromise. All you have to do is make sure the harnesses are as tight with the coat on as they are with the coat off. So I think I'll try this safer way to wear jackets in the car seats.

Not today . . .

Well, I went to sleep last night determined to wake up this morning and do a strong workout of yoga and high-impact aerobics to make up for yesterday's completely inadequate workout. Thing is, I went to sleep late last night (at 11:00PM) trying to squeeze in some alone time (aka time without the kids) with the hubby. But this morning, I woke up with a massive headache. I tried to get moving even with the headache but any movement (especially downward dog) only intensifies the pain. I can't even think about doing any plyometrics today. I've tried to drink water and just sit for a while but all indications say I should have just stayed in bed on this cold, cold, cold morning. (((Sigh))) It seems I really do need nine full hours of sleep at night to be okay in the morning. And napping during the day doesn't help at all.

When will I get it? Wednesday morning workouts have to be short and sweet because Tuesday, usually the hubby's day off, is a late night. (((Sigh))) I wish I could go back to bed but the kids will be up in just a few minutes. (((Another huge sigh)))) These are the times when going somewhere to work out is a better situation than staying at home. I probably would have just laid out on the couch and slept another hour or so then gotten up and gone to the gym before the kids woke up. (((Yet another huge sigh)))

I'll get back on track tomorrow, hopefully.

Happy 2nd Earthlight!

Today is Z2's second birthday and I can hardly believe how the time has blown by. Z2 is still nursing but only to sleep and when he wakes in the morning. I had to reduce the frequency of nursing sessions because it was starting to annoy me. So here he is, this big boy, who still enjoys to nurse. He is such an amusing nurser, humming songs, "snapping" his fingers, taking breaks to dance a little jig. It's amazing how much he loves music!

Z2 has been acting like a two year old for some months now telling me "NO!" and demanding that things are his by screeching "MINE". I love his little 2 year old vocabulary. I love how he is such a huge mimic of his brother. I mean everything Z1 does, Z2 is going to try to do to. It's so cute watching him do it too. Well, cute and treacherous because as you can imagine, Z1 is much more steady on his feet so Z2 trying to do the exact same things sometimes is . . . dangerous. But Z2 doesn't care and I am tickled (and frightened) by his daring adventures.

So Happy Happy Birthday Z2! And many, many more!!

Today's Workout was a Fail!

All right . . . this morning's workout was really a lackluster disappointment. It was just fail-tastic!

But it's my fault. I forgot the hubby was going to be off to work early and had planned to do The Firm Classic 2. I had wanted something low-impact but if I'm going to do low impact aerobics, I need to devote 1 hour or more to really burn the calories. I didn't have that much time to today so I was trying to think fast about what else I could do. I decided to to do Self: Bikini Ready Fast!--low impact with lots of weight. I've done it before but I guess I forgot: I could have gotten more of a workout folding laundry and mopping the floors! I thought about stopping in the middle and doing something else but time just wouldn't allow. Plus I knew nothing would be really effective in 20 minutes unless it was high-impact and I just wasn't in that kind of mood today. So, working out was huge truck of fail today.

I'm going to make up for it tomorrow though. Tomorrow I'm supposed to practice yoga and I will but I'll do a short 20-minute routine and then do my Women's Health Train for Your Body Type DVD. I'm planning to do step aerobics on Thursday and Jillian Michael's Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism which I did for the first time last week and which was frickin' awesome (especially considering that I just can't stand 30-Day Shred). I'll be back to yoga on Saturday (Yoga Zone: Power Yoga for Strength and Endurance).

As you can see, I've got lots of variety going on which is definitely keeping me from getting bored and keeps me looking forward to working out in the mornings. Z2 is sleeping straight through to 7 o'clock consistently and I'm feeling really positive about my exercising and weight loss. I hope to have my 2010 goals listed on the sidebar soon.

Authentic Traditions

So whether you know it or not, today is the second day of Kwanzaa. I blogged about it last year and expressed how it feels a bit contrived/made up yet I still see a lot of value in the Kwanzaa principles (Nguzo Saba).

Well, this year, I took a book out of the library on Kwanzaa and even though we don't have a Kinara set up or anything, we're going through each day of Kwanzaa. Today's principle is kujichagulia or self-determination. Or course, if you know me, you know this is one of the biggest principles I'm trying to engender in my own life, i.e. living my life on my own terms and it would be a tremendous blessing if I could pass this principle on to my children.

Anyway, as I share these principles with my children, I still can't shake the feeling that Kwanzaa doesn't feel true to me. I am not African-American. My parents are relatively recent and voluntary immigrants to the United States. I know the geographic location where my family hails from. And I ache for authentic traditions.

My parents, being the staunch Christians that they are, made it a point to avoid all traditional celebrations and holidays. In fact, there are no pictures of my parents' traditional wedding (I don't think they had one) and I'm pretty sure my mother was not pleased that my cousin had her traditional wedding with "all that unnecessariness". I can't say that had we been exposed to our ancient traditions, I would still embrace them today but I feel like a part of who I am is missing.

This is complicated by the fact that although I understand my mother tongue of Igbo, I cannot speak it with any fluency. It makes communicating with my grandmother, who only speaks Igbo, a serious challenge. I feel like she is a treasure trove of information, history and wisdom and I am cut off. I've googled to find an organization of my dad's village people have here in the States. I know that folks are celebrating our traditions but I feel awkward. I don't really know anyone having lived in the States all my life, I don't speak the language and since I'm married, I technically am not from the village my father is from anymore but from the village my husband is from. Since my husband is American, technically/traditionally speaking, I'm from whatever "village" in America he comes from. In fact, because of this I could really only be an honorary member of that organization to which I linked above.

It's kind of frustrating that I should have a direct connection to my history and culture along with the traditions and celebrations but I don't. Do I try to forge one with my strangers from the village my dad comes from? Or do I just suck it up and embrace Kwanzaa as my own? After all, every tradition was made up/started sometime. If we really get into it now and take it seriously, it will be a real tradition for our great-great grandchildren.