Housework and Philosophophizing

I usually clean the bathroom on Mondays (despite numerous attempts at spot cleaning, it seems like I genuinely need to bust the bathroom down at least once a week).  Our bathroom has all the original parts that were installed when the house was built: original tile (wall and floor), bath, toilet, sink and fixtures.  We've added some things to it and gotten rid of other things but overall, the bathroom is fundamentally unchanged.  And it looks every bit of its 70 years!  Our bathroom is extremely functional.  Everything works the way it's supposed to.  It's been through the bitterest of winters and the most extreme summer heat and it's still working.  But there are signs.  Cracks. Crevices. Some tiles have fallen out.  We've tried to re-grout and all that but really, the bathroom just needs to redone.  (Hopefully, next year will be the year.  It would have been this year but after a terrible storm, the water just started pouring into the house which meant the roof took precedence.)

Anyway,  this morning I saw the before and after pictures of a woman (with kids) who had completed P90X (we're on the same message board).  Amazing.  Yesterday, I was doing Chalean Extreme and Chalean pointed to a woman who has 7 kids.  Like physically birthed 7 kids.  Amazing.  I mean, there are *no signs* that these women have had children. 

It got me down.  I mean, I'm thrilled these women look so great but I have to say, it throws me for a loop emotionally.  I look at my toned legs and toned arms and back and the work I've put in is evident.  I look at my midsection and . . . it doesn't look like I've done much at all.  I can see and feel the muscle in my midsection but covering all that muscle is a layer of seriously sagging skin that as far as I can see will never snap back.  And it doesn't look good.  

So I get sad sometimes.  I feel like my bathroom!  Yes, I am fully functional and can do all these wonderful and necessary things but this part of me just doesn't look good and, most likely, no amount of cardio or strength-training is going to make it look better.  It could be genetics.  It could be that I wasn't eating optimally during pregnancy.    I wish I could say that it's probably better than I think but I've worked up the courage to show two (non-hubby) people and they both said, "Well, you could have surgery."  But in my gut I know I won't ever do that.  I don't have anything against cosmetic surgery but I couldn't see myself voluntarily signing up for it (at least that's how I feel right now--it may change).  So it's something I realize that I will have to accept.  And I am.  Slowly.  But every so often, I can't help feeling bad about it. I can't help feeling grossed out when I am doing push-ups, planks, or cat/cow pose and I look down to see the skin just kind of swinging around.  Actually, it's kind of funny and ridiculous and I have learned not to look down. 

When I'm scrubbing the bathroom, I sometimes think how pointless it is: no matter how much I scrub, no matter how much elbow grease, time and effort I put in, things will never gleam or sparkle.  But I keep scrubbing because even if it doesn't look sparkly and new, it will be clean.  I suppose that's my philosophy when it comes to fitness too:  even if it doesn't look super tight and pulled together, it will be strong.  It's the only thing that keeps me going on those difficult days. 

And there you have it: you can indeed come up with profound life philosophies while doing housework!

Picture credit

Been on a forced hiatus . . .

 . . . from exercise.  And I'm feeling really bummed. I had two wisdom teeth pulled last Thursday and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal but one was really impacted and is causing me a lot of pain. I tried strength training on Monday figuring that would be low impact but as soon as the blood started pumping, my mouth started throbbing!  So I quit.  I don't feel that I'm addicted to exercise but I do feel really disappointed that I haven't been able to get it in.  I figure if I were addicted, I would probably have pushed through the pain. 

It's been almost a week of no exercise! And in my head I'm telling myself, "well once you heal you have to really go hard to catch up". But catch up to what? I know that I won't lose all the gains I've made in just a week of no exercise but I'm still very worried about it. I know how much work I had to put in to get into shape and I don't want to go back!

And to add to all this, Z2 is back to his old tricks.  He has been waking up at 6:00 consistently this past week. I usually wake up at 5:00/5:30 to meditate and journal then I start working out at 6:00. It takes me about 10 to 15 minutes to get moving in the morning so I really tend to put pressure on myself to get up at 5 so I get 45 minutes of meditation time.  (Getting up at 5:30 will only leave me 15 minutes.)   With Zephy getting up at 6, my exercise time takes a hit.  I've tried to work out with him around but I can't focus and get into the zone with him there.  He gets in my way, makes noise, and keeps asking for things so I have to stop repeatedly.  I really need him to stay down till 7!  I'm nervous that my working out will be totally screwed when I'm ready to get back in the game next week (hopefully)!  I'm thinking hard about what to do.  Put him to bed later?  That means less sleep for me too!  Try to skip his afternoon nap so he's exhausted at night?  He really doesn't seem to be able to stay up all day. Maybe I can break his afternoon nap?  No more than an hour?  

Anyway, how have you coped at times when you had to take a break from exercise (or anything else you usually do for you) due to injury, surgery or other life circumstance?

What kind of God would . . .

I used to think about this all the time while growing up especially when reading the Old Testament. I was reminded of that today.  I'm reading Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott and in it she writes about the story of when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son Isaac.  

The story filled me with terror as a child.  I knew my parents would do *anything* they believed God was telling them to do because that is how seriously they took their faith.  I knew that given the same injunction by God, they would (potentially) carry it out.  To the end if that's what God told them to do.  To them, Abraham was a hero.  To me, he was a callous, unloving ass. 

The story still makes me uncomfortable especially now that I'm a mother.  I would have to risk eternal damnation before I sacrifice any of my children for any reason.  Now, I realize that some cultures and religions teach that this kind of sacrifice is sometimes necessary but who, pray tell, do my children trust more than me?  I couldn't do it under any circumstances.  I just wouldn't be able to go that distance to prove my loyalty to anyone.  Much less to a God unseen.   I have never been able to make peace with the story even though countless pastors have tried to smooth it over because in the end God did provide a lamb.  But can you image the seer terror of Isaac?  Do you think he would ever be willing to unequivocally trust his father ever again?  Who cares so long as God was pleased, I guess.  

And it always bothered me immensely:  God is supposed to be omniscient . . . why does someone who knows everything need to put his disciples through such tests.  Shouldn't God just know that they are 100% devoted to him?  Other pastors have tried to say that it was for the good of the disciples, good for strenghtening their relationship with God . . . yeah, not buying that argument either. 

There are many examples in the Old Testament that made me uneasy.  The only books I could really stand to read were Psalms and the Proverbs.  I was just always so grateful for the compassion and love the New Testament brought. 

Photo Credit: Abraham and Isaac, 17th Century

What do you want your life to look like?

While having a conversation with my good friend the other day, I realized that I didn't have a solid, clear concept of what I want my life to look like (let's call it my Lifeview).  I have ideas of what I'd like to see going on in my life but I've never taken the time to write anything down or really think about it in depth.  And it's funny because it seems fairly obvious that this is something I should have done.  But honestly, after I gave up my childhood idea of going to an Ivy League school, becoming a doctor (after graduating at the top of my class), getting married to someone equally as successful, buying a large house in the 'burbs, driving my Volvo, and having four kids (two boys and two girls).  My priorities and worldview have changed so drastically since then but I never amended my Lifeview.  Well, now is an excellent time to do it.  I'm 28, a stay-at-home mom with two young children, and an aspiring writer.  Sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions instead of working toward a tangible goal.  In terms of my personal happiness, even though I'm still not ready to start my own happiness project, I think outlining my Lifeview would be a big step towards maintaining and expanding my happiness.  I could identify small steps I could take to make my Lifeview my actual life.  My same friend who I was talking to had a beautiful outline that she drew up some time ago and I thought vaguely that I should do something like that.  Now I know I need to be a little more disciplined and get it done. Often when I feel discontented, I get the sense that it's because my real life is not matching up to the life I want.  So I need to get it really clear in my mind:  what is the life I want?  I know that one's Lifeview is something that evolves and changes over time and it should as one matures and develops.  If nothing else, capturing my current Lifeview in some way, shape or form could serve as a concrete way of tracking my personal growth. 

Photo Credit: http://windowsofhopecounseling.org/

Book Review: Victoire by Maryse Conde

It's been a very long time since I simply picked up a book from the library and commenced to reading it.   Instead, I have been choosing to get recommendations from people, read reviews or skim the bestseller lists.  This is mainly because I wanted to make sure I didn't waste my limited time reading things that I really wouldn't like or that weren't really worth much.  Despite relying on reviews though, I still ended up reading some duds, most recently that unfortunate novel Twilight. 

Anyway, two weeks ago I randomly picked up a book at the library:  Victoire: My Mother's Mother by Maryse Conde.  I have not read any of Ms. Conde's other works or any reviews of her work so I wasn't sure of the style or if I would like it.  I was pleasantly surprised and really enjoyed this read.

Victoire: My Mother's Mother is Ms. Conde imagining what the life of her grandmother might have been like using bits and pieces that she learned while growing up and information she gathered from (often fruitless) investigative work.  Victoire, a mixed-race, very-light skinned and gray-eyed orphan (her mother dies during childbirth and it is unclear who her father is or was) is born during the post-slavery era.  From birth, Victoire is treated with contempt (possibly because of how close-to-white she is).  She spends her life as a domestic servant.  In the service of the first family she works for, Victoire becomes pregnant and after a difficult labor and delivery, gives birth to a baby girl.  She almost dies but recovers and learns that she will have no other children.  She is run off after the identity of the baby's father is revealed and is mistreated terribly at the hands of her father.  She moves on with her life, risking everything to leave the island where she born to try to make a better life for her daughter.  She finds employment with a wealthy white Creole family and it is there that she discovers her gift: making magic in the kitchen.  Conde likens Victoire's cooking artistry to that of a writer and describes in great detail some of Victoire's elaborate culinary masterpieces. She becomes a valued member of the family she works for:  a friend to the lady of the house, a lover to the master of the house, and a surrogate grandmother to the children--all this is a total affront to her own daughter who grows up feeling ashamed and, to a large extent, unloved. 

What's interesting is that even though Victoire: My Mother's Mother is purportedly a book about her grandmother, Conde tells us an equally intriguing story of her mother, Jeanne.  That relationship between mother and daughter is fraught with tensions and filled with things left unsaid.  Victoire, tremendously humbled and alienated by her illegitimate birth status and her illiteracy rarely advocates for herself and you, the reader, often wish she would stand up!  This is in sharp contrast to Jeanne who fights desperately to distance herself from all those things her mother represents.  She struggles to reposition herself socially to the detriment of their relationship.  It is only towards the end that we start to see more of a compassion from Jeanne toward Victoire.

I was especially intrigued by this book because I have one interesting character in my family history too:  my grandfather's father.  I don't really know much about my family history having grown up in the States but I did gather one little snippet of information about my great-grandfather:  that he was a polygamist, that my grandfather was the only son of his youngest wife and that she was not treated well.  Supposedly, this is why my grandfather was so driven and why he was so successful.  Like Conde, I would love to ask questions, investigate, learn more, and if I can't figure out the real story, at least imagine what it would have been. 

My only complaint about Victoire:  My Mother's Mother is the translation.  I felt that too much of the text was still in French.  I realize that it's difficult to translate some things but I feel like the translator (Conde's husband, by the way) could have made more of an effort or, at the very least, added footnotes.  My rusty French skills could not keep up and I know I missed some things which was a shame.

Here's an interview with Maryse Conde about Victoire:  My Mother's Mother.  A nice read indeed!

Not a real day off.

I was kind of excited because this would be the first Saturday I wouldn't have to go to work since mid-December.  Unfortunately the hubby didn't have this weekend off and somehow I ended up taking Z1 to his basketball class (along with Z2) while he did yardwork.  We went to the thrift store after basketball and I found a set of books that I wanted to make sure wasn't the set we already had.  So I called the hubby who wouldn't pick up the phone (neither cell phone or house phone).  Him not picking up the phone is a huge pet peeve of mine and I have to say I was quite annoyed.  I finally figured out on my own that it wasn't the set I already had (and I got if for $1.99) so that was cool.

It's been a rough day, I have to say.  It has included endless sibling bickering, thrown and missing puzzle pieces, and addition flash cards scattered all over the floor.  So I feel like I have not had a break this week.  But at least I got to practice yoga outside.  It's the first time I've done that and it was really nice.  I was a tad bit worried about the neighbors gawking and wondering what weirdness I was doing but it was all good.

Anyway, I'm realizing how much a relief those few hours a week away from my babies is.  It really is a bonus that I get paid to be away. 

Photo Credit:  "Puzzling" by jhritz on Flickr.com

Prioritizing Priorities

You know that stress that's not upfront and center?  The kind that's just kind of always humming in the background no matter what you're doing?   There's the obvious stresses that go along with taking care of two kids and a husband and myself and financial stresses.   I don't want to minimize that . But there's this other, more insidious kind of stress that saps whatever little energy I have left after everything is done.  This stress is kind of sneaky and you really have to focus on it if you want to alleviate it.

 

The most apparent background stress that was getting to me was Z1's homeschooling.  I felt like I wasn't getting enough done with him daily.  At least not as much as I felt he should be doing.  So I posed the question to a homeschooling board I'm on and from the responses, I realized that I had not been prioritizing his homseschooling.  Now, I knew it was pretty important to me but I had to ask myself what was more important.  The question was promptly answered:  getting the boys out to activities, playdates, and the like.  They're young and Z1 is still pre-school age so technically there was nothing wrong with that but I had two conflicting things going on.  I wanted to get school work done but I also wanted them to have a lot of play and be around other kids.  Something had to give.  I had to relax on something.  I decided to relax on the schooling.  It is still a priority to me but I've realized that I have to prioritize my priorities.  Perhaps in a few more months I can come back and re-evaluate.  I most likely will do that the closer he gets towards first grade.  But I still had the stress of feeling like I was not doing enough with him humming in the background so I committed to doing something academic with him daily either before or after mealtimes as I'm able.  It doesn't have to be grand.  It can be simple.  A review.  Anything.  I've been doing it for a week or so now and so far, so good.

I thought about the other humming stresses in my life.  Waking up at the crack of dawn to journal and chant and exercise.  I realized, being the driven person that I am, that I had been background stressing myself to increase the length of time I chanted.  Going to Buddhist meetings and stuff, you hear folks talking about how they chant for 20, 30, 40 or even 60 minutes.  Not to be outdone, I was giving it my all.  But I was burning out--dragging myself out of bed, distracted while chanting anyway.  So I decided to prioritize my priorities when it comes to my morning "me time".  Right now, fitness is extremely important to me.  Chanting and journaling is too but to a lesser extent.  Perhaps in a few months, that might change.  So I committed to going back to my 5, 5, 5.  Journal for 5 minutes.  Read for 5 minutes.  Chant for 5 minutes.  Fifteen minutes altogether which leaves me ample time to get my long ass P90x + cardio that I have to add in on top of all that workout in.  I don't have to put on two episodes of Blues Clues to get through my workout (and deal with the accompanying stress and guilt of my boys watching too much TV) and I don't have to throw my whole morning schedule off trying to fit it all in.  This helps me tremendously as I then have time to do some school work with Z1 in a more relaxed way.  I've been doing that for a few days now and so far so good.  

Another humming stress is keeping the house clean.  I have this schedule that I try to keep but it is often impossible to keep.  The failure to keep up with the schedule hums loudly in the background.  I had to prioritize my priorities again.  It is a priority of mine to keep the house neat.  It helps me function better physically and mentally.  But getting meals together and doing laundry seems to be a higher priority right now.  As long as things are not gross (I've developed the habit of spot cleaning more than full-out, top-to-bottom cleaning), I have to deal with some untidiness.  Perhaps in a few months years, that might change but I've been doing it this way for a week or so now and so far so good.

So I've identified here three humming stresses that have been weighing me down.  There are others like wanting to write more consistently and get published, doing more with my blog, reading more, knitting and crocheting more.  Basically these are all the things I want or need to do that vie for the limited time I have.  And I figured out the key to alleviating those stresses was to organize them in terms of what is most important to me at this moment: prioritizing my priorities.  It goes without saying that you have to take a long hard look at what takes up most of the time in your day.  These are priorities whether you want to believe it or not and you have to decide if you actually want those things to be priorities.  For example, I used to spend a good clip of time reading blogs and being on message boards.  I really enjoy that.  But the time it was eating was just too much.  It was an unwanted, unconscious priority (not that I didn't want to be doing it but I didn't want it as a priority).     But at this point, I'd rather other things be priorities.  So in the interest of not depriving myself, I have maybe four or five favorite blogs (shout out Keep It Trill and BlackGirlinMaine) that I always take ten minutes or so to check and I have a whole host of posts starred. I hate to go to my reader and see that folks have updated their blogs 10 times already but I had to let it fall to the wayside a bit--at least until the dynamics in my life change.  I rarely post or read message boards except the ones I moderate. 

I accept that I don't have unlimited time or energy.  It is what it is, really.  As the kids get older and can help out more, it'll free up more time.  Then I hope to be able to fit more in so that my life looks more like what I'd want it to look like ideally. 

Picture Credit:  http://www.marvinhimel.com/blog/tag/priorities/

I ran today!

I (mostly) ran about 4 miles today in a little under an hour.  I would probably have been able to run more if my ankles didn't start hurting.  I know I need a good pair of running shoes but I honestly don't want to put out the money right now.  We just (finally) put a new roof on the house and we still need a gate to keep Z2 from running out into the street.  I wanted to get Z2 a tricycle with a handle because he wants to ride so badly but really can't.  The tricycle would give him the feel of riding and it converts into a regular tricycle.  That's not an absolute need right now, though and in all reality, we actually have about 2 or 3 various trikes around here none of which really do either Z1 or Z2 any good.  Either their legs can't reach the pedals or they tip over easily.  So while it's not a strict necessity, this trike would be nice to have.

I guess running shoes aren't a strict necessity either but I have to say, I really enjoyed it today.  The trail where I ran was totally breathtakingly awesome.  The running was calming and so purgative.  I could see adding running to my fitness routines.  Ah, I'll think on it a few days and see.  

Photo Credit:  "My hideous running shoes" by minorissues on Flickr.com

I updated my review of the Happiness Project

Here it is. 

I started to do the edit at 6:30 AM when I was supposed to be chanting, journal-ling and practicing yoga all at the same time.  The edits I wanted to make were taking up a whole lot of my mental space last night as I went to bed so I knew I needed to get it in somehow. At 7:00, Z2 was really awake and making a lot of noise.  After doing a seriously abbreviated chanting session, I went to get him, made him a smoothie and put on Blues Clues.  Now I am going to practice my yoga.  Hopefully he will let me get through the whole routine.

The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin

subtitled Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.  Check out Gretchen Rubin's blog here.

Since I don't consider myself the most spiritual of individuals, if I ever decided to pursue my own happiness project, I probably would have gone about it the way Ms. Rubin did, i.e. with lots of checklists and lots of research.  It would probably feel a bit forced but I would ultimately convince myself that it was worth it in the end because one of the quotes I would have discovered in my research would have said so.

I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek here.  While The Happiness Project was an enjoyable read, I found it to be a bit too academic and not organic enough.  Too many quotes and sayings and teachings influenced Ms. Rubin's project and her thinking.  The book sometimes feels like one quote after another that Ms. Rubin is tying together.  Elizabeth Gilbert does a similar thing in Eat, Pray, Love but somehow it felt a little more natural.  Maybe because Gilbert's approach to her own happiness project was less planned.  Nonetheless,  I feel the Happiness Project was indeed a noble project but at the same time I had some nagging concerns.

See, obviously Ms. Rubin has means (both financial and otherwise).  There's really no way your everyday, daily-to-work, breaking-a-real-sweat-to-pay-the bills, it's all on your shoulders kind of person could have pulled off a similar project--at least not that extent.   I look at my own life, recognizing how incredibly blessed we are that we can afford to be a single-family household, and note some things that seriously put a damper on my happiness.  I love to read and write but being the one primarily responsible for running my household and taking care of my children, I have precious little time to do it.  There is no extra in our budget to hire a babysitter and I don't really have any family close by that I could ask to watch the kids for a four or five hour stretch.  So as I'm writing this blog, this is what I'm dealing with:  it is about 15 minutes past the time I should be putting the boys to bed but I am trying my darndedst to get this piece done.  Z2 has pooped yet again and he is stinky all the way to the high heavens.  Z1 is playing basketball in the house again even though he's been told numerous times not to.  Z2 then starts climbing all over me so I push him aside trying to get another sentence in.  I hear some loud crash in Z1's room followed by an "Oh, no!"  Turns out Z1 has hit and broken the wall clock with his basketball.  Now I am about 30 minutes late in the bedtime routine and worried about what this clean-up is going to look like.  (((Sigh))) I type in the last few sentences and hit publish, exhausted by the effort and wishing I had those quiet moments in the library  with a laptop like Ms. Rubin so I could write in relative peace.  (Compared to all the ruckus going on while I try to write, I think I wouldn't mind the lady next to me in the library constantly sighing.)  For me, doing the things that make me happy means not doing other things that would make me happy.  Our late evening last night translated into me missing my beloved yoga class this morning although  it could be argued that at least I'm investing in my happiness by taking yoga classes in the first place.  My writing pushed out my yoga class, although I will practice at home today.  Adding these extra sentences to this blog post is again eating away at my time to practice before Z2 gets up--actually, he already got up but the hubby managed to get him back down which bought me some time--I should really be practicing not writing--but I love and need to write!  It's a constant juggling act trying to fit in the things I know would make me happier into the limited time  have and to do those things within the limited budget I have. 

Now, I will totally agree that there are practical things we could each do to make ourselves happier every day.  And I most totally agree that we are in control of our own happiness.  But for most of us, the things that we think would make us happy are often just out of our reach (most often because of finances) or too difficult to finagle.  For most us, we simply don't know exactly what will make us happy yet we strive thinking that if we could just get that promotion, that new phone, one more child, we'd be set only to find out when we get it that we're still feeling a lack.  I think that was the biggest thing I took away from the excellent documentary This Emotional Life.  

But Ms. Rubin gives it an honest shot and I think she comes to the same conclusion I've come to:  that to be truly happy the only requirement is to be who you are.  BE YOURSELF!  Now that is a high and lofty goal if you think about it because we've spent so much of our lives trying to be who we are not.  Trying to fit into boxes that others have created and insisted that we fit into.  It may take an entire lifetime to get to the very bottom of who we are but it is an important undertaking, I think.  And for that reason, I admire Ms. Rubin's efforts.

And as Ms. Rubin rightfully points out:  our happiness in turn makes those around us happy and if those around us are happy then we will be happy.  But I, being a daughter of immigrants, can never shake the feeling that our happiness in America often comes at the cost of the happiness of those in less affluent locales like Nigeria (although many will argue that Americans aren't that happy anyway).  Ms. Rubin's way of handling that issue was to say that people can be happy in any situation essentially but then when they have more money, they can really focus on the things that bring them happiness since they're not focused on the knitty-gritty of survival.  Well, of course.   That made me a bit uneasy, though.  I think it's a very American/Westernized way of being but at the same time I recognize that within my small sphere of existence, there's nothing I can personally do to influence the happiness of someone living in abject poverty.  Hell, I can only do so much to influence the happiness of my own flesh-and-blood child.  So I guess I kind of agree with Ms. Rubin surprisingly:  I better start focusing on my own happiness. 

Also, Ms. Rubin concludes that another important aspect of happiness is the "atmosphere of growth," i.e. feeling like you're making progress toward a goal and not necessarily the accomplishment of that actual goal.   On this point, I can't argue.  One of the thrilling things for me in my yoga practice is watching advanced yogis do things.  I know I couldn't possibly put my foot around my neck but it is fun and makes me happy to keep working toward it.  Yoga is also great in this regard because once I reach that goal, there are many, many others to work toward.  That's why they say yoga is a journey and not a destination.  And that's why it rings so true that the point of any journey is not the end but the process. 

As usual, if you read the reviews there are people whining about how the book is narcissistic and yadda, yadda, yadda.  Well, yeah.  She even says it is very self-centered but that a project completely focused on her own happiness could only serve to improve the happiness of all those around her.  What's the harm then in undertaking such a project?  My spiritual practice is self-centered yet I know that the higher I can make my vibration by studying and praying, the better off everyone around me is.  It's supposed to be self-centered.  Gandhi said it best:  Be the change you want to be in the world.

The book didn't offer any brand new insights or inspire me to start my own Happiness Project but it did indeed make me want to think about little things I can do to bring more joy and happiness into my life.  A word of thanks instead of complaint.  Singing a song instead of mumbling.  Deciding to stay at home even though there are "fun" activities happening.  Meditating on ways to infuse my day with things that bring me more joy (because just because those things bring everyone else joy doesn't mean that will be the case for me--another salient point Ms. Rubin makes--Be you!).  Just a general commitment to be mindful about ways to infuse my days with more happiness, playfulness and laughter.  Because as Ms. Rubin says:  the days are long but the years are short.  How true!

This was a good book--an interesting read.  I had to rush through it though because I couldn't renew it since it had a hold on it.  It's quite popular.  I guess everyone is looking for ways to achieve happiness.  Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Edited 05.20.10

In the Minority

One of the best things about going to Africa is being part of the majority.  Most places I go when in Ghana or Nigeria, I don't stand out.  The people all look like me.  The advertisements all feature people that look like me.  If I turn on the television, I see people that look like me.

I happen to live in a town where most of the people look like me but as soon as I step foot out of this town, and go up north just a bit, I become conscious of the fact that I am in the minority.  It doesn't really bother me much. I have not encountered any overt racism and generally people are friendly and accepting.  But still, as a human being, it's tough sometimes when you don't see people that look like you.

In the homeschooling community, I am definitely in the minority and that is difficult.  I keep showing up to homeschooling meetings holding out hope that there will be other faces of color.  Every so often, one will turn up like at yesterday's get-together and it's thrilling.  I can connect with homeschoolers of any race but there are things, certain things, that only folks of color can understand so it's important to me to find them.

But back to being in the minority . . . one of the most interesting things that happens is that you often have to stop and think about things a lot to figure out if it's racially motivated or just, you know, regular.  I think that's one of the worst things about being in the minority.

They have opened a new Fairway Market not too far from where I live.  I absolutely love Fairway and used to drive down to NYC to do my grocery shopping there.  So I was thrilled that they were opening on up here--not more than 5 minutes away.  There was a huge hullabaloo when they opened too.  The place was completely packed and for good reason:  the store is huge.  You can get any and everything there.  It's just awesome.

About a month ago I went on down there to do some grocery shopping and I discovered that the bridge connecting my town to the town the Fairway is in was closed.  It's a drawbridge so every so often, they will pull it up to let a ship pass.  I didn't think much about it--I just took the very congested and out-of- the-way detour.  A week later,  I noticed the bridge was still closed and now there were signs that the bridge was closed.  Oh boy--this sucker was going to be shut down for a minute.  Well, no problem for me:  I figured out a better detour which involved a highway.  But currently, there's no way to walk to Fairway--well you could but it would tack on well over an hour to your journey.  I started to wonder how they could close such a major bridge when there was a brand new business everyone was itching to get to.  That didn't seem like good business practice and then slowly, slowly, slowly I started to wonder if they were purposely trying to keep folks out, away from their new, shiny, upscale store.  Who were they trying to keep out?  Then it occurred to me:  those folks on that side of my town for whom Fairway would be closer than Pathmark and a better option for grocery shopping (especially since the prices are, believe it or not, comparable).  They would be heading to Fairway on foot to take a cab home or by bus.  But with that bridge out, it would be way too inconvenient to go to Fairway.  I then remembered how much of a big effort they were making to make sure they never said Fairway borders my town or NYC . . . all to preserve the upscale shi-shi image.

Then I thought to myself:  What dark thoughts!  Why do you think like that?  The bridge could really just be out--no ulterior motives.  Just out of order.   But then I realized I kind of have to think of things in this way being in the minority.  I have to be able to recognize these things.  Nobody wants to be that character in the Dave Chappelle skit who doesn't realize who he is and when things are directed at you!  It's not only ridiculous but dangerous.

I know issues of race and class often get conflated and it's hard to separate the two sometimes.  But most of the time I honestly feel I catch more heck for my race than for my class.  More often I think, "Are they doing that because I'm black?" than "Are they doing this because of my tax bracket or where I was raised?"  That's the honest truth.

So anyway, the bridge stays out of order.

And I keep wondering about when my brain will get the memo that we live in post-racial America.

Queen Ifrica Does it Again

So I love me some Queen Ifrica.  I think this sistren is supremely talented.  Really take time to listen to her lyrics.  Intelligent and creative.  Truly powerful wordsound.  Not to mention I love her dresses and style. Just wanted to share.

Reached my goal!

This past Sunday at my weekly weigh-in, I discovered that I had hit my target weight of 130 lbs.--and even went past it.  It was exhilarating!  Then you know what I did?  I re-set my goal weight!  LoL.  I like being 130 lbs. but I just want to see if I can hit 125.  I don't think I'll stay there though. 

Ironically, I lost the last 2 or so pounds that was keeping me from my goal weight on my "recovery week" from P90X.  I spent the week doing lots of various types of cardio, a bit of strength training and yoga.  I have to admit, I had a lot of fun not doing P90X.  So much so that I didn't start up again this week.  But I would feel so accomplished if I did actually finish.  The one thing I really, really love about the P90X program is the Ab Ripper X component.  It's such a challenging workout and I can honestly say that I feel my core tightening and strengthening.  On a larger scale, it's wonderful to feel the new muscle on my body--to feel strong. 

Anyway, I decided to join a running meet-up.  The most feasible time for me to get with this meet-up is on Sundays at 8:30AM so in two weeks or so, I'll give it a try.  I first attempted running in college but it was a painful, unpleasant experience.  I want to see if it will be different this time.  The appeal of equipment-free cardio is overwhelming to me, I must say.

I also realized that I am a total geek because I absolutely love tracking things on Weight Watchers.  We went on a two and a half hour hike today at Westmoreland Sanctuary.  It was a good hike--we were working pretty hard.  And you know what?  I couldn't wait to get home and put it into my WW Activity Tracker.  Six activity points earned while not even really trying all that hard.  Awesome! 

Photo Credit:  "Bullseye!" by Gare and Kitty on Flickr.com

May 9, 2010

Wishing all the Mother's a very wonderful, blessed day!

Photo credit: Keith Mallett (Many Thanks Anna C. for letting me know who the artist is . . . his work is beautiful)

A great find and in interesting discovery

This will be one of those quick posts that smushes two topics into one. LoL.  

Okay, so firstly, look what I found:  

We went to a cherry blossom festival today in White Plains and as we were walking back to the car, we noticed it.  Being who I am, if something looks good, even if it is in the trash, I have no shame in stopping to check it out to see if it's there's any life left and/or if I can use it.  It so happens that this wonderful piece was in such good condition (along with the chair that was with it) that I figured someone had to be moving it somewhere.  So I checked it out, all the while, completely expecting the owner to come out at any moment.  Ten minutes.  15 minutes.  We started to load it up into the car.  I figured at this point if someone wanted it, they would say something.  No one showed up for it.  I wish I could have fit the chair in the car too because Z2 is outgrowing his high chair and we only have three kitchen chairs but it's okay.  This cupboard doubles my counter space and provides a heck of a lot of storage.  I'm thrilled about it!  I would be thrilled if I bought it full price.  That I got it for free is just so awesome.

Secondly,  this is the third week of weighing in where I have experienced weight gain  Granted, it's just a few ounces but it is no coincidence that my weight gain corresponds with starting P90X.  I want to say that it is just that I'm putting on muscle but I really think that the real reason is that I'm not doing enough cardio.  I feel more sluggish and I miss how good it feels to really move and sweat.  I'm moving into week four of the program which is a recovery week.  However, I am not recovering.  I'm going to do a good amount of cardio this week, a little weight training at some point, and one extra yoga session. I will be thinking about how to modify P90X to suit my needs.  The program requires 75 minutes or more on most days which makes it almost impossible for me to add 30-40 minutes of cardio daily.  So, I really have to figure out how to make the program work for me or I have to accept that it doesn't work for me at this time.  As luck would have it, just at the moment when I started to wonder about what to do, a friend of mine gifted me Insanity which is definitely more cardio based with weight training using only body weight.  I almost chose Insanity over P90X simply because it requires no extra-equipment.  One thing I do like about P90X is the use of the chin-up bar. since one of my goals this year is it be able to do at least one chin-up. 

I don't know . . . I'm looking forward to using my regular DVDs for this week.  I'm looking forward to feeling good after a sweaty, heart-thumping workout.  Perhaps I will gain some clarity while working it on out!

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

P.S.  The hubby says he saw the owner wheeling it out when we first arrived at the cherry blossom festival but thought that he was getting ready to load it up into his car or something.  Two hours later, as we were leaving, it was still out there.  Waiting for me!  Why the hubby didn't tell me that at the time, I will never know.  Gotta love the menfolks!