He's Advanced!

I had an interesting experience a few weeks ago that had me laughing till my sides hurt.

It was at a small get-together and as usually does amongst parents, the topic of education came up. As a homeschooler, you kind of get used to third degree grilling about what you are doing and you learn to expect the ubiquitous question about socialization. To my pleasant surprise, this group of people were either homeschooling themselves or at least open to the idea of homeschooling.

I was speaking to another mother and her major concern was that her son was advanced. How could homeschooling work for him? I pointed out that as a homeschooler, you have the ultimate freedom as to how you structure (or unstructure) your child's education. There are so many flavors of homeschooling that you can pick the approach that works best. You can pick the speed with which you cover subjects. There are no rules saying that if a child is 6 and in first grade, he must stick to first grade curricula. You can go as quickly or as slowly as your child needs. I gave Z1 as an example of someone who can spell and read on a fourth grade level but when it comes to reading comprehension, history, or science, I would say he is on a 2^nd or 3^rd grade level. I know for sure that he would probably be bored with most of the academic stuff in first grade at a typical school. (In fact, this is perhaps the most common complaint I hear from parents who send their children to school: that their children or bored or could do the school work 2 years ago.) So I tailor his school work to his individual ability and to the particular ways in which he learns. Certain curricula are actually too hands on for him or have too much review of a concept. For Z2, however, it might be a completely different story and I will adapt accordingly. The discussion really seemed to warm her up to the idea of homeschooling and we talked a bit more about curricula and approaches.

What was so funny about this interaction? Well, it was not until she was ready to go and was standing at the door with her husband and son that I nearly fell out. Her baby boy was EIGHT MONTHS OLD. How in the world did she determine that he was “advanced”? I just couldn't . . .

You know, the words “advanced” and “gifted” are bandied about with regularity in my neck of the woods. Everyone insists that their child is not your average child but different and special. To a certain extent, of course, this is true. But I honestly believe that truly gifted children are not a frequent occurrence. In fact, of all the children I have worked with over the years, I can count on one hand how many impressed me with very unusual ability of some sort. I'm reminded of one little boy who at age 5 totally understood the concept of multiplication being repeated addition and could repeatedly add any number any number of times well past 150. It was impressive. So when someone tells me their 8 month old is advanced, I can't help but balking. And breaking into a fit of laughter. Seriously? She was very serious.

A label is a label, after all. Even a positive label can carry a serious burden with it. In school, I was always labelled a “smart” kid. One of the “intelligent” ones. I took on that label and embraced it. Yes, I also worked really hard at school but underpinning all that hard work was the belief in that label and my proof was the grades I got. I didn't choose classes based on interest. I chose them based on a confidence that I could probably do well in them. So when in college I received grades of 35 (out of 100) on chemistry exams, my self-esteem nose-dived. I couldn't, with those grades, hold on to the label of being smart anymore. And frankly, I gave up on chemistry and other challenging classes and believed I was too stupid to understand it at all and wondered why all these years I had been lied to. That label had basically put me in a box and if I wasn't fitting into the box, I had a hard time figuring out who or what I was.

Interestingly enough, this past weekend I had the opportunity to work out a chemistry problem similar to one I am sure I encountered in college chemistry. It was a question about the concentration of a solution and how much salt would be required to produce that particular concentration. For some reason, that question that in college would have befuddled me made complete sense. So much so that I was able to explain it to a student in a way that she could totally understand. To the extent that I was (maybe a little overly) eager to do similar problems! I slowly realized that it wasn't me. I wasn't the reason why I didn't understand what was going on in chemistry. It was the teaching. For the first time in my life, the way I was being taught didn't match up to the way I learned but I had no way of knowing that then. Instead, I believed the lie that who I was (i.e. the “smart” girl) was really a lie.

Of course, over time, I've rebuilt my self-esteem in that area but it's taken a lot of energy and work to get to that point. It was a long fall and it is a long journey to pull myself back up to a place where I respect my intelligence but don't let the level of my intelligence define everything about me.

When I speak to my children, I acknowledge that they are indeed intelligent and special but I am adamant against pinning labels on them. And believe me, it's very easy to do especially when you have two siblings who are so vastly different from each other. The temptation is certainly there to label Z1 as the cerebral one and Z2 as the instinctive, silly one. What happens with that? When Z1 does something off-the-cuff, there's the attitude that he “should know better” instead of an acknowledgement of the fact that he's 6 and does some silly stuff at times. I'm working hard to make sure to eliminate the labels that actively work to keep myself and my children in boxes. Every moment is a moment to redefine oneself, if one wishes.

So I thought I'd share that experience . . .

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Simple Pyramid Project

We have been studying ancient Egypt.  To end our study, we made a pyramid from sugar cubes.  

The project comes from the book Ancient Egyptians and the Neighbors: an Activity Guide by Marian Broida.  It was a very enjoyable project.  We imagined what it would be like to build such a structure if we were building with heavy bricks instead of sugar cubes.  What a a lot of work!

The only modification we made with the instructions was that instead of brushing the paint on, we actually dipped the sugar cubes in the glue (we used regular white school glue).  It took quite a bit of glue to get the sugar cubes to stick because the sugar tended to absorb the glue.  This might have been different if we had used a glue that was not water based but Elmer's glue is.  

The hubby and the kids may take the project further over the weekend, painting it and decorating it to look more authentic.  I'm just happy that I got the project done because I am not a project person!  

Making Math more Fun

Math is one of the subjects in which I feel a child should have a very solid foundation.  While I was willing to freestyle other subjects like history/social studies and science, I really wanted a methodical, systematic and clear approach to math and I felt the best way to do this was to use a curriculum.  So far, I've tried three different ones: Right Start Math, Singapore Math and Math-U-See.  Math-U-See is the one we are currently using and I'm very pleased with it.  It's not a lot of fun, though.  It really digs in to lay the foundation with lots of practice and review and so for Z1, it can get kind of tedious.  I have a couple of ways that break up the tedium while still providing good math instruction.

1. Daily Word Problems Math by Evan Moor.  Z1 uses the Grade 2 book.  The book is basically a word problem for every day of the school week.  The questions are not too challenging as to frustrate him but they do make him think and he is enthusiastic about doing them and gets super hyped when he avoids being "tricked" by miscellaneous information.  
2. Logic Countdown by Bonnie Risby.  This is a great way to introduce logic and Z1 approaches it like a game of sorts.  It covers analogies, sequencing, relationships, syllogisms and more.  
3. Picture books about math--these types of books serve as a great way to break up what could be a really monotonous math session.  Luckily, our library has many of these type of books available and if we go to one library in particular, they are all handily grouped together. These are the ones we currently have out.  

•  Pattern Fish by Trudy Harris--both Z1 and Z2 enjoyed this book.  It introduces various types of patterns (AAB, ABB, ABBA, etc)
• Math Fables and Math for All Seasons by Greg Tang--these books are great because they encourage children to think about numbers in different ways.  I especially like Math for All Seasons for Z1 because it encourages him to group numbers in creative ways to make for easier calculation.  
• The Case of the Missing Zebra Stripes-- a collection of games, puzzle and riddles all related to the zoo.  This book induces lots of thinking!

Another resource we use is IXL but Z1 tends to find it rather tedious too because his math work is more involved.  Z2 really likes it though because it doesn't take long for him to progress and get prizes.  I've found some other math games here and there but nothing really stellar.  If Z1 is getting really frustrated, I'll let him play those math games and it helps him to reset.   

So these are some ways that I break up math instruction to cut down on frustration and boredom.  I am thinking that since Z1 is learning multiplication, I may start doing a 90 second timed quiz and maybe having some kind of prize for a certain number of tables he gets correct.  I've never done anything like that before so we'll see how it goes.  

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Interacting

One of the biggest challenges in my decision to educate my children at home has been a lack of consistent community.  Every so often, I get pretty obsessed with finding some kind of group for us to be a part of, some kind of regular social event to go to.  Lately, this has been blowing up in my face.  Either the kids we are hanging out with are too young or the kids' personalities don't mesh.  I end up feeling disappointed and drained.

I decided to think about it again after one such not-so-great social interaction this past week with another homeschooling family.  I talked to Z1 about it and found out that 1) he doesn't feel lonely at all and 2) he feels like he has enough friends.  I wanted to ask him "What friends?" but from his perspective, he's good.  So I can stop stressing about that.  I can relax.    But then I realized all this fanatical searching for community is not for my kids necessarily but for me.  And it's something that has been lacking for me since before they even arrived on the scene.  Same isht.  Different Day.  But more complex because I am educating my children at home which means I have precious little time for myself.  I could join a knitting/crochet group, find a gym buddy, join a book club.  But these things would have to occur at 5:00 AM and last until 7:00 AM so that I could get back to my children.  Yeah, not happening.  And trying to do these things with kids in tow is pretty impossible so I have to just accept that this is not the time.  

So I keep dragging them to things they don't really care to go to and wanting them to interact with the kids so the other moms feel it's worth it to keep coming out and hang with us.  But I'm changing my attitude about the whole thing and letting my children free up and do what they want to do at these get-togethers because I need the interaction.  I'm still going to go but I don't really care if they hang out with the other kids or if they just decide to hole up in a corner and read.  

Handwriting

Z1 is learning how to write cursive.  He wanted to learn it so he could read the notes that Nate the Great's mother would leave for him.  (Nate the Great is the main character in the wonderful detective series written by Marjorie Weiman Sharmat.)  He also didn't like not being able to read the notes left for silly Amelia Bedelia (main character in the popular books by Peggy Parish).  I would have happily waited until second grade to start cursive instruction but since he was interested, I went along with it.  I know that it's not longer taught in many schools and there is debate about how useful it is but as far as I'm concerned, it's necessary.  In this technological age, the art of handwriting is being lost.  And if you know me, you know I don't believe that we will all have unlimited access to e-mail and texting and all that forever.    I definitely think thinner, simpler days are ahead so we only do ourselves a disservice by writing off basic skills like handwriting (pun intended).  We still need to know how to write different kinds of letters and how to send thank you notes.  We still need to know how to take written notes.   We need to to be able to communicate and preserve information on paper.  Anyway, not to go off on too much of a tangent.  

There are many styles of print and cursive handwriting.  Z1 has been learning handwriting using the Handwriting without Tears program.  I just love this program for learning to print because it's straightforward and fun--simple.  The HWT style of cursive is also very plain and straightforward and we went with HWT for cursive just because we were accustomed to  the materials.  

But it's not the style of cursive I learned or use.  The way I write cursive, a combination of the Palmer style and simple Zaner-Bloser, is decidedly more ornate:

So writing things for Z1's copywork takes a whole lot of looking at the HWT letter chart and extra thinking on my part.  I've asked Z1 if he'd like to try a different style but he likes the HWT style precisely because it's not so curvy. So we'll stick with it.  We practice handwriting every day for 10-15 minutes and over the course of a year, I am really blown away by how his handwriting has improved.  

Here's a New York Times article, The Case for Cursive, which I read some time back.  I agree with many of the points.

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Book Review-Morning by Morning: How We Homeschooled Our Boys to the Ivy League by Paula Penn-Nabrit

This book was recommended to me by another homeschooling mother.  She was so enthusiastic about it, I just had to pick it up.  I placed it on hold at the library and in less than a week, it had arrived.  I started reading with interest.

One important thing to note is that Morning by Morning: How We Homeschooled Our Boys to the Ivy League is less of a how-to manual and more of a memoir.  It chronicles how this one, middle-to-upper class Black American family came to homeschooling and how they approached it.  For that reason, it was an interesting enough read.  

Homeschoolers are in the minority.  Homeschoolers of color, even more so.  So all-in-all, I thought it was worth it to read the book although I will admit that I did not read the whole thing in it's entirety.  I couldn't.  Ms. Penn-Nabrit has got to be the most-longwinded, roundabout writer I have encountered in a long time.  Seven paragraphs and 3 pages later, she would still be circling around the same topic, beating that horse till it was not only dead but safely in heaven.  My goodness.  At one point, I started to just skip over whole chunks only to find her still talking about the same thing.  Towards the end of the book, I started to read the synopses at the end of the chapters and to tell the truth, I think I got the full gist of what she was saying.  This book could have been half the length but I get it: it's her life story and so I totally forgive the tendency to go into excruciating detail.  

I didn't connect much with Ms. Penn-Nabrit for a number of reasons. The decision she made to homeschool was pretty much forced.  Problems at her sons' elite private school brought things to a critical point and led Ms. Penn-Nabrit and her husband to some major paradigm shifts.  Homeschooling was the way for them to embrace and practice their new understandings.  For me, even if I did have the resources to send my sons to elite private schools, from the very beginning I would most likely use those resources to enhance our homeschooling experiences: more enrichment classes, camps, tutors, etc./moving to an area with a more vibrant homeschooling community.  Homeschooling was and is my first choice.  I did find it interesting that the couple pulled their sons at the very point where most people think that home-schooled children should probably be making the transition to traditional school.  There's this idea that will totally miss out on the "wonderful" junior and senior high school experiences.  But as Ms. Penn-Nabrit points out, there are ways to get the bulk of that experience, and wonderfully enough, the more positive aspects of that experience without being enrolled.  

Secondly, her sons were much older than my sons when she started homeschooling so she had to deal with the emotional angst her boys felt at no longer being in a traditional school environment.  Also, many of the academic subjects and extra-curricular activities her kids were involved it are not quite suitable for my kids as yet.  

Thirdly, Ms. Penn-Nabrit is clearly a middle upper class American and it comes through in her writing and attitudes.  I would say I have middle upper class aspirations but I am definitely not in the class.  So certain comments would rub met he wrong way.  There was one comment in particular of which I couldn't make heads or tails.  She was writing about why continental Africans excel in American schools and seemed to place it all on the fact that they would have had teachers of the same race at their schools back home.  I think that's overly simplistic and denies the fact that for many Africans, education is one of the few ways out of poverty and/or a situation with little hope for progress.  

Fourthly, I want this homeschooling journey to be something we all enjoy not endure.  Yes, there are things about which I am not willing to negotiate but I am willing to work with my children to find out how we can change the energy and make things what we have to do more pleasurable and less like torture.  I didn't get the sense that this was a big concern of the author's.  And I also got the sense that there was some use of corporal punishment--not a lot but it was there.  

We did connect out on some points like the fact that people will always try to shoot you down with the dreaded socialization question.  Also, when one takes full responsibility for his/her child's education, there are moments of doubt but also moments of triumph.  I think Morning by Morning was borne out of that triumph.  The family had a goal and they achieved it despite the inner and outer naysayers.  

Ms. Penn-Nabrit did make some excellent points:

When African-American male children attend school, they are in an environment designed by Caucasian-white men and controlled by Caucasian-white women.  The combination of race and gender diversity may explain, at least partially, why so many African-American male children end up in detention, suspended, and expelled.  (p. 29)

Contrary to conventional wisdom, very few people home-school in a limited environment--most homeschoolers spend quite a bit of time away from their homes.  Nevertheless, on a universal level, I think most kids are grossly under-socialized.  Single-environment socialization, whether that single, exclusive environment is created in a school or in a home is inadequate.  When our children emerge into the broader world, they will be forced to engages outside of their racial, socioeconomic, religious and academic classification.  (p. 30)

There's a large resource section at the end of the book and intend to go through and pull out ones that seem useful.  The "how" of homeschooling that is presented in the book, I think, should mainly be common sense for the resourceful homeschooler: using community and recreation centers, volunteering, relying heavily on the library, finding enrichment classes and activities.  On this end, I have been very successful.  One thing Ms. Penn-Nabrit had going for her was that her sons, having been pulled out of school later, had established social lives.  That was not a struggle for them.  As you know if you've read this blog for any length of time, this is a huge concern of mine that hasn't been addressed well yet.  I was encouraged by the fact that the Nabrit boys, though they did have lots of outside friends, loved and enjoyed being in each other's company and I am hoping the same will be the case for my boys.

Now, I can't say that my goal in homeschooling is that Z1 and Z2 attend top tier colleges.  My goal is that they can if that's what they want to do.  My goal is that they have a well-rounded, solid education that can take them anywhere.  Like Ms. Penn-Nabrit, I am looking for a holistic education that addresses the academic, physical and spiritual aspects.  So again, I recommend this book as a way to learn about another person's experience homeschooling.  I love to hear all the different voices.  

Arts and Crafts

So, I am not the biggest arts and crafts person.  Sure, I like to knit and crochet but when it comes to crafts with my babies, I'm not the most creative or the most motivated.  But there are a few projects that have piqued my interest and that I think the kids will enjoy:

1.  Rubbing Plates

We've done rubbings with leaves before so it's not a totally new concept. I purchased this set and I'm pleased with the quality and how nicely the rubbings come out.  You need to use printer paper though: the pictures didn't come out quite as well using construction paper.  And the rubbings look quite professional if you use colored pencils and not crayons.

2.  Loom and Cotton Loops set

I did this at day camp as a child and I remember being so thrilled to have made something that was actually useful.  I think this activity will also help build fine motor skills.  I hope to get a basic set like the one pictured.

3. Candle Rolling

I actually bought a candle rolling kit last year and so I'm looking forward to finally getting around to it.  I think the kids are a bit more mature and this might be more fun than disaster this year.  

I still don't see myself committing to many more art projects but I'm glad to have a few lined up.  

Z1 is almost 6 years old and really likes audiobooks and music.  I'd been burning CDs for him and letting him use my portable CD player in the car.  Then, "somehow", the player got broken.  (I think Z1 got curious as to it's mechanism--he admitted to touching the lens despite or maybe because of the warning that said "DO NOT TOUCH" lens.  I should have known when he asked me what the lens was--I think I walked right into that one).  I was a bit upset.  I'd had the CD player for a long time and I was thrilled that it had lasted.  Plus, it was great that  Z1 could listen to his stuff and I could listen to mine.  Anyway, I wasn't willing to sacrifice listening to my music in the car so I decided to finally get a new 8GB Ipod for myself and hand down my 2nd Generation 4GB Ipod to Z1.  

It worked out fabulously!  He's got all his music and all his audiobooks on one compact device.  No more fiddling with CDs and CD books.  Good stuff!  Another perk?  He gets to work on alphabetical order each and every time he wants to find something.  We work on alphabetizing in a formal way as part of his spelling curriculum but it's nice to have a real-life application that he uses daily.  

I wish we had switched to the Ipod sooner . . . I may still have had my CD player.  But whatever . . . technology moves on and it's awesome to see sometimes how it simplifies life instead of making it more complicated.  

Math-u-See or something else?

For math instruction, we've been using Math-U-See.  We started out with RightStart Math which just wasn't a good fit for us.  The lessons were too long and kind of boring and I had way too much to do to prep for each lesson.  So far, we've been very happy with Math-U-See.  We watch the instructional DVD and then practice on our own and then do the accompanying worksheet.  We've learned a lot and I feel like the program is building a good foundation.  

I'm worried though.  Z1 doesn't seem to know how to subtract 9, 8, 7, 6 and 5.  It's very important that he masters them.  Math-U-See teaches these subtraction facts through addition and this approach is pretty cool (to me).  

Here's the method:

When subtracting 9, you need 1 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 8, you need 2 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 7, you need 3 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 6, you need 4 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 5, you need 5 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 4, you need 6 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 3, you need 7 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 2, you need 8 to make hidden 10.

When subtracting 1, you need 9 to make hidden 10.

So in the example 15 - 9, the student would think "when subtracting 9, you need 1 to make 10 (the "10" in 15) so 15 - 9 = 5 + 1 = 6.  I don't know . . . looks confusing as I type it but the blocks make is so incredibly plain.

Anyway, the fact that Z1 doesn't know these facts makes me think that maybe MUS is not effective for him but I don't want to give up on the program just yet.  I've been drilling these facts on paper and on the computer and over the next two weeks, we will be doing these lessons over.  It's very important that he masters these facts before we move on to subtraction with regrouping.  

Z1 bucks at the idea of "going back" to Alpha level so I'll have to frame it in a different way.  Hopefully, this review will be all it takes to get these facts solidified in Z1's mind.  But I'm doing research and looking into Singapore and Saxon math.  Truth be told, though, I do not want to go down the road of looking for yet another math curriculum.  I hope Math-U-See works for this year at least.  

The 2011-2012 School Year is Upon Us

We're currently on a modified summer schedule for school.  Basically, Z1 is just doing drills and reinforcing what he learned last year and practicing his piano.  We're out and about so much that we can't really fit in much else.  As soon as August comes in though and the boys' activities wind down, we'll pick up the pace with our studies.  

In kindergarten, we'd been working for about an hour a day on math, reading/language arts, and handwriting.  Some days we'd do science or social studies (about twice a week).  Z1 will be entering first grade and so the amount of work we'll have to do is going to increase.

We're basically following The Well-Trained Mind by Susan Wise Bauer.  I will add and modify things as I see the need.

Math

We're going to continue using the Math-u-See curriculum.  Z1 is working on the Beta level.  I will be adding to this program using the Big Math 1-2 workbook (finishing it up), Daily Word Problems (Grade 2), and Lollipop Logic.  We will also continue to use IXL for extra practice and review.

Z2 is going to be doing hands-on math activities.  He will also use IXL and I have purchased a few Pre-K workbooks for him.

3-3.5 hours a week (40 minutes daily)

Reading

Bauer has many suggestions for books we read as part of formal instruction.  We'll be borrowing these from the library and spending about 30 minutes daily reading them.  Z1 will also spend 30 minutes reading "fun" books, meaning books he chooses.

Z2 will be starting on the Hooked on Phonics program which is what I used for Z1 with excellent results.  As a back up and/or in addition to HOP, I will use Progressive Phonics, a wonderful program which I hear good things about.  Also, I downloaded Funnix a while ago.  We'll see what works best for Z2 and go with it.  

2.5 hours a week (30 minutes daily)

Writing and Language Arts

We'll be using The Complete Writer: Writing with Ease (Level 1) and the accompanying workbook by Bauer. For Language Arts, we're going to go with another Bauer book: First Language Lessons.  I want a systematic approach to language arts and this book offers it.  We'll see how I like them.

1 hour a week (20 minutes daily)

Handwriting

Z1 is going to continue doing the Handwriting without Tears program.  He is working in the cursive book.   Z2 is working in the green pre-kindergarten book.

1 hour a week (10-15 minutes daily)

Spelling

Z1 is actually a very good speller.  We're going to finish out Spelling Workout B but I don't think I'll do Spelling Workout C or any other spelling program (I thought I'd give All About Spelling another try but since he doesn't struggle with spelling, why put out the money?)  I will find Grade 2/3 spelling lists online (many available) and do activities with those words.  There's also Spelling City's individualized spelling program so I don't really see myself ever spending money on spelling again.  

1 hour a week (10-15 minutes daily)

Science

Ah, the thorn in my flesh.  I'm going to go with Building Foundations of Scientific Understanding by Nebel at the suggestion of a friend.  We have plenty of books available at our library to supplement our science studies.  We also do lots of hikes.  My plan is to make sure I cover all the science topics suggested for Grade 1 at World Book, in What Your First Grader Should Know, in the NY State Science Standards (grades 1/2) and in WTM.  They all coincide.  As long as I hit all the topics, I feel like science will be solid.  

2 hours a week (one hour twice a week)

Social Studies, Geography, and History

I'm going to follow NY State Standards (grades 1/2).  I'm not buying any materials.  At this stage, SS is straightforward and I can make SS work using the internet and doing field trips.  We'll be using Daily Geography Practice.  Geography is something I didn't learn in school and so I want Z1 and Z2 to learn it.  I will gradually introduce a little bit of history using Mosaic Introduction to World History (we'll be using the A Little History of the World version).  

1 hour a week (30 minutes twice a week)

Music

I intend to continue music appreciation with the boys.  Basically, we listen to a large variety of music and talk about it or draw.  I'm going to start introducing them to different musicians/composer and we may do unit studies on various musicians.  Z1 is playing the piano (taking weekly lessons) and I'm looking for a good music/play program for Z2.  What Your First Grader Should Know provides a good skeleton for music.

Piano Practice: 25 minutes daily

Art

What Your First Grader Should Know will provide the skeleton again but I aslo found that the J. Paul Getty Musuem has a free art curriculum on it's site.  Also, the Met has a program called Art Trek Plus on Sundays (free parking in the city on Sundays) which will be a great way to get us in the museum and familiar with all kinds of arts.  

I'm not sure how I'll work the art curriculum in exactly but we can definitely do Art Trek Plus and hang out at the museum.  I'm going to look and see if I can find some activities that involve the Met.  

Physical Education

Z1 and Z2 are going to continue swimming lessons throughout the year.  Twice a week, we'll be exercising at home (I will just lead them in some basic aerobic, strength and agility training--we may even go for a run on the track) and yoga.  I'm counting our hikes as physical education too.  We may start martial arts.  

Foreign Language

We started learning French using Byki and we'll continue.  I will probably eventually purchase the whole program.  

10 minutes daily after dinner

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Getting it all together was pretty nerve-wracking.  I usually like to hold and look at books in my hands before I purchase them but very few of these books were available at the library.  This is one excellent reason that as a homeschooler, one should be part of a group:  one can see the materials that other have used and discuss, in person, what worked or didn't and why.  But anyway, I did the best I could.  I'm hoping not to go over $350 in total for all the supplies and books we need this year and so far, I'm at just a little over $200.  I need to buy notebooks, some organizational things (like this case that's perfect for the MUS blocks--I got the suggestion from Satori Smiles, an awesome classical homeschooling that I am promptly adding to my reader), and things like paintbrushes.  I'd also like to drop $40-$50 on educational games and toys.  

Some weeks ago, I sent off our letter of intent to the board of education via certified mail.  So this is my first year officially homeschooling!  I'm sure there will be lots of bumps along the way but I'm also sure it will be fun and challenging.  I'm glad that I have a framework or plan to follow and I'm looking everywhere for inspiration.  

In terms of the social aspect of things, we are still trying very hard to build our homeschool community.  It's not coming easily at all but we are putting in the work.  I met another mom who intends to homeschool her two boys and we're trying to put together a weekly homeschool group.  I'm being optimistic . . . this will be my third or fourth attempt to get a consistent, weekly homeschooling thing going.  

So everything is locked and loaded.  I'm looking forward to getting started.  

Martial Arts

It seems like martial arts have become just one more activity on the long list of activities the well-rounded American kid should do.  But I've always felt a bit hesitant about signing Z1 up for martial arts classes.  Karate is offered at our local Y and so many parents I talk to have their kids taking some form of martial arts. At a birthday party I went to a few weeks ago, two parents were debating discussing the merits the superiority of the particular form of martial arts her child was learning (one was learn jujutsu and the other tae kwon do).  As I sat there listening to the conversation, I felt rather uneasy and frankly, I wondered how much the parents actually knew about that particular form of martial arts.  How much did they actually know about martial arts in general?  The history.  The purpose.  The discipline.  

Much like yoga in the West, martial arts has changed significantly and a lot of the timesfeels hollow and naked  to me.  Stripped of something somehow.  I saw this video on The World of Ensayn Reality and Mr. Roberto Sharpe really got to the heart of why I feel hesitation about just signing Z1 up for some martial arts classes:

  

I feel equally uneasy about just going to yoga classes.  Yoga, to me, is spiritual.  The martial arts, to me, when practiced in their truest form is spiritual too.  It's not just exercise or something to put on a resume.  It takes time.  Lots and lots of time, patience and learning to reach the heights of the practice (consciousness).  (And the heights of the practice don't necessarily involve a trophy or a certificate.)  And so, if you seriously want to delve deeply into it, you (preferably) need a master.  You need to be committed.  Patient.  Open.

Now maybe that's just taking something that could simply be a fun activity (that as a perk teaches kids some discipline) and making it more complex than it needs to be.  Maybe it's just not that deep.  But to me, it really seems like something I need to think on and meditate on before we just do it.  Z1 is taking piano classes and will soon start swimming classes.  These disciplines also require commitment, discipline and time so I don't feel like Z1 is not acquiring these important traits.  I feel like I have the time, if he expresses interest, to find him a true martial arts teacher.  And that is what I would like to do.  

What about charter schools?

Sometimes when I say that we're homeschooling, people ask me, "What about charter schools?"  It's sometimes assumed that I'm homeschooling because I'm not pleased with public school options.

For many families, charter schools have been a great alternative to traditional (and often low-performing) public schools.  There's an emphasis on discipline and academic excellence.  Since admission to these schools is not automatically guaranteed (usually there's a lottery or a test to gain entrance), there's an atmosphere of gratitude amongst parents and children because they know it's not their right to be in the school.  That there cuts down on some of the disciplinary issues found in traditional public schools:  you can be kicked out.  People wait anxiously to hear if their children will be accepted and really rejoice if their kids are.  I don't blame them at all and I'm glad they exist as an alternative but charter schools do not represent an acceptable option to me. 

When applying for teaching positions, I carefully avoided applying to charter schools.  The work day for a teacher at one of these schools typically started at 7 and ended at 4--two hours longer than a teacher's day at a traditional public school.  In addition, teachers were often expected to be accessible to students after school hours for homework help.  To me, these schools were asking too much from me as a teacher and definitely not compensating me enough.  With my own young family, I wasn't willing to make that kind of sacrifice although the philosophies and track records of these schools were definitely appealing.   So from a teacher's perspective, I didn't want to go the charter school route.  And as a parent, I don't want to either.  

Now, I will say that most of my knowledge of charter schools comes from charter schools in the South Bronx, a generally economically depressed area that exhibits many of the symptoms of these kinds of areas.  It's possible that things are vastly different elsewhere.  The (eery) feeling I got from these schools was that  they were trying as hard as they could to keep the kids in school (and out of their homes) as much as possible.  This way, they could "work" on the kids, providing an alternative to what was implicitly assumed to be less than ideal home situations.  Here the kids could be exposed to much better than anything they could receive from their families.  This feeling of mine was reinforced by the fact that many of the teachers at these charter schools were White, middle-to-upper class, well-educated young men and women with the goal of "doing good" for those "terribly disadvantaged children."  Essentially, charity work (especially in light of the pay and hours).  It reminded me of the boarding schools set up by churches in colonial Africa that would separate the children from their parents in order to inculcate them with a whole new set of "righteous" ideals and "correct" ways of thinking.  I can't get with it. 

Paulo Freire, anyone?  You can never divorce education from politics.   There is always an agenda.   There's the obvious fact that charter schools are still public schools funded by the state (although some are also funded privately).  They still have certain standards to meet.  All that changes, really, is how these schools go about achieving those standards.  Charter schools do not question the status quo.  They affirm the status quo.  And devise more effective and innovative ways of maintaining the status quo.  Which is great if you as a parent don't mind the status quo. 

Do children really need more time in the classroom to learn well and do better academically?  (This is one of my biggest pet peeves!)  Children, in my opinion, need much more free time to explore on their own and opportunities to learn how to learn.  Most charter schools are still not addressing the fundamental issues:  the foundation on which the school system was built does not serve the needs of children.  They are still working on a shaky framework although what they're building is more elaborate and simply cooler than what we had before.

I'm not naive.  If it came down to it and my children needed to attend public school, I wouldn't overlook charter schools.  But honestly, I'd be more likely to find the best performing school in my area and fight to send them there.  

As a homeschooler, for some odd reason, parents feel the need to vent to me about their school situations: where they wish their kids could be, what they wish their schools could look like, what they like and don't like about the whole situation.  I'm not sure why I come off as the person to talk to.  Most recently, a parent was gushing to me about a charter school in a neighboring town started by Bill Gates.  I could not have cared less but there I was, subjected to it.  I generally keep my feelings about controversial things to myself and so I let her talk.  I also let her show me how much her 4 year old daughter knows.  She was very (and I mean very) adamant that she's way advanced for a 4 year old.  Wonderful.  

So, no, I'm not homeschooling because I don't know about charter schools.  I'm homeschooling in spite of charter schools. 

Interesting articles here and here.

I'm officially homeschooling!

This is Z1's kindergarten year and it certainly feels different than last year.  First of all, he seems so much mature this year.  I'm always pleasantly surprised with his insights and level of understanding.  Also, you'd be hard-pressed to find any five year olds out and about during the early day: most are in school.  But that's okay even though I was worried earlier that it would pose a problem. 

We wake up in the morning, bathe, have breakfast and then after breakfast we do about an hour of "school" which really just means that we gather around the table to do some focused work on reading, math, handwriting.  Science and social studies sometimes happen at the table but mostly, they happen at the computer (watching DVDs or videos online about science topics we're interested in) or as we're out an about living life (social studies).  Just recently, we wrote and sent a letter off to Z1's grandparents to learn how the mail system works. 

We mainly go out in the afternoons--when the kids are getting out of school!  So I've been happy to find some playgrounds where there are kids Z1's age playing.  Of course, it never seems to be the same kids but at least.  And I've also discovered that recently, Z1 and Z2 play wonderfully without a single fight at the playground.

So we're getting into a good rhythm with things.  I'm learning what I like and what I don't like.  Trying out curricula.  Deciding that I definitely don't need a curriculum for certain subjects.  And generally gaining confidence daily. 

I'm still troubleshooting the socializing aspect but honestly, Z1 doesn't seem bothered at all now that we are busy.  I am still struggling with a sense of isolation/loneliness but I am determined to overcome that. 

So I'm officially homeschooling and so far, so good!  You know one of the  (simple) things that thrills me about this?  That I don't have to wake Z1 up at any particular time every day.  He sleeps till he's ready to get up (usually not past 8)--and wakes up well-rested and ready to tackle the day. 

Going it alone?

I never imagined that homeschooling would be something I would do in isolation.  I always thought that when I was ready, I'd go looking and I'd find a cohesive, vibrant homeschooling community to be a part of.  So far, this is not the case.  There are few homeschooling groups I'm a part of but they are not co-ops   Co-ops generally meet consistently and have an agenda/goal for each meeting.  They are more structured and this is what I would love to have.  The homeschooling groups I'm a part of have mailing lists with all kinds of activities and interesting (though often expensive) programs and I keep thinking I'll get involved with some of the activities (like the playgroups and all that) but the truth is going to these groups would involve 40+ minutes of driving.  One group would have me driving to the city and fighting for parking.  The other would have me driving north further into the country and while I wouldn't have to worry about parking, I would have to worry about the lack of diversity.  

But so far, I haven't been able to find anything going on close to home.  I've tried starting my own playgroup but after weeks of showing up and being the only one there, I'm starting to think that there are just not that many homeschoolers where I am.  And it's discouraging.  I know that I cannot commit to driving 40+ minutes multiple times a week.  But I really don't want to homeschool "on my own".  I can handle the academics but socially, I need the [I]consistent[/I] support and friendship of other homeschooling families.  DS is starting kindergarten this year and I felt myself hesitating to buy his materials just because I don't know how to keep going.  I often feel so alone doing this.  Summer has not been too bad because the neighbors' kids are around.  When they go back to school, I cannot bear to hear my Z1 complain about not having friends to play with and not wanting to play with his baby brother all the time.  I'm kind of at a loss.  And dreading winter.  At least now we can go out to the playground or pool and hang out for hours. 

I really don't need to have a large group of homeschoolers.  Honestly, one committed homeschooling family that we click with would be fine.  I don't know.  I know that having that kind of community relieves a lot of the pressure that builds when it's just you and your children all the time.  When a friend comes over to hang out, even the toughest of days becomes more manageable just by virtue of their presence.  I need people who I feel comfortable with so that we can barter childcare, help each other do this work of raising our children in an environment that encourages learning. 

I often say I'm taking homeschooling one day at a time but honestly, in my heart of hearts, I want to homeschool.  Already, there are so many wonderful reasons I can easily identify that make homeschooling perfect for our family.  But this one issue of social isolation is a huge sticking point.  And I'm forced to take a look at schools just to know what's out there just in case I can't 'make any headway in this regard.

I mean, in many ways, this issue of social isolation that comes with homeschooling is just a continuation of the isolation I've felt as a stay-at-home mom in an area where there are very few stay-at-home moms.  I wonder why I'm drawn to do things that are just not that popular where I am?  I'm not the most social of people but I know I'm not willing to go it alone. 

I'm not giving up hope yet. I recently met a great homeschooling family.  I'm looking forward to getting to know them better.  And I'm thinking about maybe taking the train on down to the city to try one of the playgroups.  Hopefully, the efforts pay off. 

Photo Credit

Prioritizing Priorities

You know that stress that's not upfront and center?  The kind that's just kind of always humming in the background no matter what you're doing?   There's the obvious stresses that go along with taking care of two kids and a husband and myself and financial stresses.   I don't want to minimize that . But there's this other, more insidious kind of stress that saps whatever little energy I have left after everything is done.  This stress is kind of sneaky and you really have to focus on it if you want to alleviate it.

 

The most apparent background stress that was getting to me was Z1's homeschooling.  I felt like I wasn't getting enough done with him daily.  At least not as much as I felt he should be doing.  So I posed the question to a homeschooling board I'm on and from the responses, I realized that I had not been prioritizing his homseschooling.  Now, I knew it was pretty important to me but I had to ask myself what was more important.  The question was promptly answered:  getting the boys out to activities, playdates, and the like.  They're young and Z1 is still pre-school age so technically there was nothing wrong with that but I had two conflicting things going on.  I wanted to get school work done but I also wanted them to have a lot of play and be around other kids.  Something had to give.  I had to relax on something.  I decided to relax on the schooling.  It is still a priority to me but I've realized that I have to prioritize my priorities.  Perhaps in a few more months I can come back and re-evaluate.  I most likely will do that the closer he gets towards first grade.  But I still had the stress of feeling like I was not doing enough with him humming in the background so I committed to doing something academic with him daily either before or after mealtimes as I'm able.  It doesn't have to be grand.  It can be simple.  A review.  Anything.  I've been doing it for a week or so now and so far, so good.

I thought about the other humming stresses in my life.  Waking up at the crack of dawn to journal and chant and exercise.  I realized, being the driven person that I am, that I had been background stressing myself to increase the length of time I chanted.  Going to Buddhist meetings and stuff, you hear folks talking about how they chant for 20, 30, 40 or even 60 minutes.  Not to be outdone, I was giving it my all.  But I was burning out--dragging myself out of bed, distracted while chanting anyway.  So I decided to prioritize my priorities when it comes to my morning "me time".  Right now, fitness is extremely important to me.  Chanting and journaling is too but to a lesser extent.  Perhaps in a few months, that might change.  So I committed to going back to my 5, 5, 5.  Journal for 5 minutes.  Read for 5 minutes.  Chant for 5 minutes.  Fifteen minutes altogether which leaves me ample time to get my long ass P90x + cardio that I have to add in on top of all that workout in.  I don't have to put on two episodes of Blues Clues to get through my workout (and deal with the accompanying stress and guilt of my boys watching too much TV) and I don't have to throw my whole morning schedule off trying to fit it all in.  This helps me tremendously as I then have time to do some school work with Z1 in a more relaxed way.  I've been doing that for a few days now and so far so good.  

Another humming stress is keeping the house clean.  I have this schedule that I try to keep but it is often impossible to keep.  The failure to keep up with the schedule hums loudly in the background.  I had to prioritize my priorities again.  It is a priority of mine to keep the house neat.  It helps me function better physically and mentally.  But getting meals together and doing laundry seems to be a higher priority right now.  As long as things are not gross (I've developed the habit of spot cleaning more than full-out, top-to-bottom cleaning), I have to deal with some untidiness.  Perhaps in a few months years, that might change but I've been doing it this way for a week or so now and so far so good.

So I've identified here three humming stresses that have been weighing me down.  There are others like wanting to write more consistently and get published, doing more with my blog, reading more, knitting and crocheting more.  Basically these are all the things I want or need to do that vie for the limited time I have.  And I figured out the key to alleviating those stresses was to organize them in terms of what is most important to me at this moment: prioritizing my priorities.  It goes without saying that you have to take a long hard look at what takes up most of the time in your day.  These are priorities whether you want to believe it or not and you have to decide if you actually want those things to be priorities.  For example, I used to spend a good clip of time reading blogs and being on message boards.  I really enjoy that.  But the time it was eating was just too much.  It was an unwanted, unconscious priority (not that I didn't want to be doing it but I didn't want it as a priority).     But at this point, I'd rather other things be priorities.  So in the interest of not depriving myself, I have maybe four or five favorite blogs (shout out Keep It Trill and BlackGirlinMaine) that I always take ten minutes or so to check and I have a whole host of posts starred. I hate to go to my reader and see that folks have updated their blogs 10 times already but I had to let it fall to the wayside a bit--at least until the dynamics in my life change.  I rarely post or read message boards except the ones I moderate. 

I accept that I don't have unlimited time or energy.  It is what it is, really.  As the kids get older and can help out more, it'll free up more time.  Then I hope to be able to fit more in so that my life looks more like what I'd want it to look like ideally. 

Picture Credit:  http://www.marvinhimel.com/blog/tag/priorities/

In the Minority

One of the best things about going to Africa is being part of the majority.  Most places I go when in Ghana or Nigeria, I don't stand out.  The people all look like me.  The advertisements all feature people that look like me.  If I turn on the television, I see people that look like me.

I happen to live in a town where most of the people look like me but as soon as I step foot out of this town, and go up north just a bit, I become conscious of the fact that I am in the minority.  It doesn't really bother me much. I have not encountered any overt racism and generally people are friendly and accepting.  But still, as a human being, it's tough sometimes when you don't see people that look like you.

In the homeschooling community, I am definitely in the minority and that is difficult.  I keep showing up to homeschooling meetings holding out hope that there will be other faces of color.  Every so often, one will turn up like at yesterday's get-together and it's thrilling.  I can connect with homeschoolers of any race but there are things, certain things, that only folks of color can understand so it's important to me to find them.

But back to being in the minority . . . one of the most interesting things that happens is that you often have to stop and think about things a lot to figure out if it's racially motivated or just, you know, regular.  I think that's one of the worst things about being in the minority.

They have opened a new Fairway Market not too far from where I live.  I absolutely love Fairway and used to drive down to NYC to do my grocery shopping there.  So I was thrilled that they were opening on up here--not more than 5 minutes away.  There was a huge hullabaloo when they opened too.  The place was completely packed and for good reason:  the store is huge.  You can get any and everything there.  It's just awesome.

About a month ago I went on down there to do some grocery shopping and I discovered that the bridge connecting my town to the town the Fairway is in was closed.  It's a drawbridge so every so often, they will pull it up to let a ship pass.  I didn't think much about it--I just took the very congested and out-of- the-way detour.  A week later,  I noticed the bridge was still closed and now there were signs that the bridge was closed.  Oh boy--this sucker was going to be shut down for a minute.  Well, no problem for me:  I figured out a better detour which involved a highway.  But currently, there's no way to walk to Fairway--well you could but it would tack on well over an hour to your journey.  I started to wonder how they could close such a major bridge when there was a brand new business everyone was itching to get to.  That didn't seem like good business practice and then slowly, slowly, slowly I started to wonder if they were purposely trying to keep folks out, away from their new, shiny, upscale store.  Who were they trying to keep out?  Then it occurred to me:  those folks on that side of my town for whom Fairway would be closer than Pathmark and a better option for grocery shopping (especially since the prices are, believe it or not, comparable).  They would be heading to Fairway on foot to take a cab home or by bus.  But with that bridge out, it would be way too inconvenient to go to Fairway.  I then remembered how much of a big effort they were making to make sure they never said Fairway borders my town or NYC . . . all to preserve the upscale shi-shi image.

Then I thought to myself:  What dark thoughts!  Why do you think like that?  The bridge could really just be out--no ulterior motives.  Just out of order.   But then I realized I kind of have to think of things in this way being in the minority.  I have to be able to recognize these things.  Nobody wants to be that character in the Dave Chappelle skit who doesn't realize who he is and when things are directed at you!  It's not only ridiculous but dangerous.

I know issues of race and class often get conflated and it's hard to separate the two sometimes.  But most of the time I honestly feel I catch more heck for my race than for my class.  More often I think, "Are they doing that because I'm black?" than "Are they doing this because of my tax bracket or where I was raised?"  That's the honest truth.

So anyway, the bridge stays out of order.

And I keep wondering about when my brain will get the memo that we live in post-racial America.

I chose the difficult road

It's true. When it comes to parenting, I chose to do things the hard way. And in one of many heart-to-heart conversations, I discovered that this is why the hubby is really through with having children.

You see, except for the fact that the hubby is RastafarI, he is a very middle of the road kind of brother. Not too extreme in any of his beliefs or actions. Me? Well, let's just say that's not how you would describe me. I often marvel at the fact that we actually get along since we are so vastly different. This applies most potently to our parenting.

See, whereas the hubby would have been perfectly happy to slap some Huggies on the baby and call it a day, I wanted to cloth diaper. After a bit of coercing, I got my way. We've been doing the cloth diaper thing now for years and while I loved and still love the idea of it, the truth of the matter is that it's hard work. Lately when Z2 poops, I want to throw the whole mess away not be in the bathroom hovering over the toilet with the diaper sprayer. It's gross. And I'm not really a fan of more laundry. But I can count on having to do a load of diapers every 2-3 days without fail. And there's pressure there too because without clean diapers, well, what's the plan? Elimination communication. (Wow . . . that's a whole other world that I can't even imagine dealing with now.) It's not the easy way.

Whereas the hubby didn't have a problem with the hospital birth of Z1 and the smooth way the insurance paid for it, I did. I really wanted a homebirth. And after weeks of fighting with the insurance company, they agreed to pay half of the midwife's fee. The other half, to the hubby's annoyance, came out of pocket. To him, what was a beautiful experience for me was a huge ball of stress for him . . . right down to the huge stain left on our tan carpet from the birth. It wasn't the easy way.

Then there's breastfeeding . . . he would not have minded in the least giving the boys some formula here and there or even all the time. It's mainly been my thrust to make sure they have received the very best. And as much as I'm thrilled to have been able to do it, I can't deny that it has really disrupted our lives in ways that are difficult to explain fully. Suffice it to say, Z2 wakes up in the morning screaming bloody murder for some milk. The hubby keeps encouraging me to wean. It hasn't been easy.

Then there's circumcision which I'm against and the vaccination issue and the decision to be a stay-at-home mom . . . basically for the hubby, there has been no ease in this whole parenting thing. Nothing has been straightforward. We've spent the whole time going against the grain. Or, more precisely, I have been going against the grain and he has been (supportively) along for the ride. Well, he hasn't just been along for the ride all the time. For some issues, I really had to fight him which I felt badly about but I just couldn't let the issue slide.

When I think about my desire to homeschool, this weighs heavily on me. It is definitely another thing that is solely "my thing" and it is decidedly not the easy road. The hubby would quite happily send the boys off to school because as he put it, he already pays his school taxes. Why spend money twice? And what does that mean about my return to work? He had always hoped that once the kids were all school age, I'd jump right back into the workforce and we'd make a lot more headway financially. The difficult road of being a stay-at-home mom means we give up a lot of luxuries and take a lot longer to do things that could be completed in a jiffy on two incomes.

And then add to that the fact that we don't really get any kind of significant breaks from the children since their grandparents have other priorities and everyone, in general, is quite busy with their own lives. And I really began to understand why he's so tired. And why he's through having children.

And then I began to admit to myself that I'm tired too.

I am eager to get back to the days when I could knit and crochet things, read books, exercise in peace. But I also have to admit that my children do bring me a great deal of joy and in all honesty, they move through these baby days so quickly that one more (only one more) wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Oh, I'd love to be one of those folks who romanticize the whole natural mothering thing and glorify it. But it's been a tough road to travel. And though I've never wavered, I definitely wish sometimes that I could be less bull-headed, more middle-of-the road . . . I don't really enjoy carrying poop-soiled diapers back home with me. That's actually not my idea of fun. I don't like feeling all stressed out in the morning trying to squeeze a workout and some chanting in before Z2 starts to demand to nurse. But these are things I really believe in and I really feel are important--important enough for me to go the extra mile.

I'm truly sorry about the way the hubby feels and often wish that the things that are important to me when it comes to child-rearing would also be important to him. But he's his own person and I respect and love that. I know where the hubby is coming from and so as of a few days ago, I've officially dropped the issue. Who knows if it will be picked up again?

What a weird summer!

In June, it wouldn't stop raining. July was okay but not quite summer-like. August, we got a few days of a heat wave. I almost had the hubby install the air conditioner. It was almost just too darn hot and then . . . back to the not quite summer-weather. It's actually been cold in the mornings.

Anyway, we're still trying to maximize the summer. We're off to the pool this afternoon. It's not really the best weather to go to the pool it's what we've got. And who knows? It may be the last time this season we get to go although I hope not.

It's uncertain what the rest of summer will bring weather wise but I'm so happy that at least the sun is out so that we can be out. There's nothing as frustrating for me and especially the kids as being cooped up in the house.

At the same time, I'm looking forward to fall. We've been taking a relaxed approach to homeschooling over the summer and we're ready to amp it up. I've got my Hooked on Phonics program (which I got at the thrift store for $15) ready to go t

o teach Z1 to read. He's excited and seems ready. I think we'll sign Z1 up for karate at

the YMCA and continue with the Kindermusik lessons we were taking (for really cheap by the way) at a local church. A friend of mine has his son taking bass lessons and I really wanted Z1 to give it a try to but at $35 per half hour, it's just not possible. I've been showing Z1 the basics of the piano and I'm going to post on Craig's List to see if I can barter tutoring or teaching crochet/knit for formal piano lessons-–or at least find something reasonable. I've got other ideas floating around too . . . I'm actually excited for "school" to start.

How are you getting ready for the fall??

Suffocating

I'm going to be a little bit real/revealing today.

The loneliness and isolation I often feel as a stay-at-home mom is suffocating and sometimes excruciating. On stay-at-home mom message boards you hear the concern a lot so I know it's common for women who make the choice to stay at home to feel this way.

I don't have many true-blue girlfriends to begin with. Somehow or the other, I just have never really had the opportunity to cultivate those friendships throughout my life being somewhat introverted and very "booky". Right now, I'd say, I'm pretty "different", I guess some would label me eccentric. I don't generally go with the flow and I *must* do my own thing. So here I am at 27 years of age and I can really only say I have about three friends, all of which I met as an adult. One lives far away (and we really only reconnected recently). The other is on her way to becoming a naturopathic doctor and has a child of her own so she's extremely busy. And the other works full time and has a child of her own and one on the way. Me and her generally do drive-by visits. Oh, and there's my sons' godmothers, one of whom lives in Ethiopia right now and before that lived in California.

I won't lie . . . sometimes I start to feel a bit sorry for myself and think that if I were back at work, I wouldn't notice the void so much because I'd be too busy running around. But going back to work so that I can ignore the void is not the answer, I know.

Trust me, I've reached out plenty of times. Joined meetup.com and other groups for stay-at-home moms. Somehow or someway, it just never really worked out and I have not been able to make real connections that way. I actually hate doing aerobics and would rather do yoga any day. I've been thinking about taking a yoga class. I also am interested in belly dance too and I know that would be a way to get fit that I'd actually enjoy. I'd like to take a class of that too. It struck me that classes might be a good way to make connection with all different kinds of folks (because while a good friend who was a stay-at-home mom and on the same tip as me regarding natural living and world view would be exactly what I need, I'm open to all kinds of connections). The problem is who would watch the children? There's really no money in the budget for babysitters and so I basically have to do things that I want to do alone while the kids are asleep or while the hubby is home. And since he's not home all that often, it leaves me with very little time.

Then I decide that it's silly to be worrying about making friends as an adult and I really should just turn on the radio, fold this laundry, knit this sock, read this book . . . but it's inescapable. Sometimes you just want to go over to your friends house and just sit. And it's magnified by 10x's in this cold, cold winter because generally when I feel this way, I could pile the boys into the stroller and walk for miles listening to music or something or go to the playground and absorb myself in playing with them. The snow and the cold make these things difficult if not impossible.

I get tired of taking the boys to the library, playground, and other activities where I end up basically talking and playing with my boys, while the adults ignore each other. Adults seem to want to avoid meaningfully connecting by all means. I recently called one lady who brings the children she watches to the library program we go to and while we seemed to have a good conversation at the library, on the phone she seemed disinterested and distant. I figured she only talked to me at the library, then, because I was there in person driving the conversation and face-to-face you often can't just be like, "leave me the hell alone." (It's a testament to my personal growth that I didn't personally feel rejected by her coldness on the phone.)

Anyway, many days the only other adult I speak to is the hubby and since lately he works so much overtime, I often find that the whole day has been spent talking to and dealing with children. I go to bed mentally and physically exhausted only to repeat the whole thing the next day. Recently, I've been making it a point to read at least one mentally stimulating article daily. Even if there's no one to talk to about it.

It's gotten to the point now where I don't even want to participate on message boards or comment on folks' blogs anymore. I'll ask a question or make a comment and no one responds to it. It makes me upset. I realize that what I really want is someone to talk to, to reason with, and most times, it's just not there. Instant messaging doesn't cut it . . . I can't be attached to my computer all day. The internet, all around, is a poor subsititute for a roll dog to vibe with and dialogue with.

The whole situation has me really re-considering homeschool. Honestly. If I don't have any connections myself, how will I help my children make connections? I want to homeshcool them but I don't want to cut them off from social interaction. I've been busting my behind trying to find it and I just can't. Sure they would go to music classes, martial arts classes, swimming classes, etc . . . but would that be enough? And where is the money going to come from to do all this extra stuff to make sure they have social outlets? We'd need more income and I'm not entirely sure I could work and do a good job with homeschool.

It struck me the other day that one of the better schools on the north side of the tracks claims to have closed enrollment, i.e. only kids who live in that zone can go there. But my sister-in-law sent her kids to a school on the north side and she says it was just a matter of talking to folks and making your demands known. This school is a blue ribbon school within walking distance. I substituted there a while back and was very impressed. I do believe Z1 and Z2 would do well there and it would give me a few years to think about what we'll do when it's time for middle school (absolutely no way in hell they will go to middle school in this town). While they're at school, I could work part-time somewhere or focus on getting an advanced degree--something that would give me flexibility and time for them. I definitely know that I don't want to go back to full-time teaching.

So, I'm telling you, it's suffocating. I love being here for my boys and being a stay-at-home mother, but like with every choice, there are consequences. You don't always know exactly what you're in for when you make a decision but being grown means you just handle it. So while I'm not depressed about it (because honestly, I have a lot of shit to do with a 3 and a 1 year old anyway--I can't sit around depressed too long about things), I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, that it didn't make me sad at times. There's no easy solution to this. So all I can really do is take it one day at a time remaining as open as I can be to opportunities to connect.

(((shrugs shoulders))) Time to go work out . . .