Honey, I shrunk . . .

I went to the thrift store yesterday.  I needed to get out of the house.  I needed a break from the kids.  The thrift store was open . . . I went.  I found some great stuff too:

• a wool jacket for Z2
• a wool ear flap hat for Z1
• a wool turtleneck sweater for me (I'm getting back into turtlenecks after years of avoiding them because I had a "fluffier" bust)
• a pair of fleece pajamas for Z2
• a down filled Land's End vest (which would go nicely over the turtleneck sweater)
• a pillowcase I thought would fit my oddly shaped pillow (but won't)

I came home and tossed everything except the wool jacket and the pillowcase into the wash (I forgot the pillowcase).  I completely neglected to think about the water temperature and everything got washed on warm.  The wool ear flap hat and the sweater felted and shrunk.  I was crushed.  I still am.  I can't really place a finger on why it's bothering me so much.  I have accidentally felted things that I've made with my own hands and not been this upset.  I hope I get over it soon.

Meanwhile, I've been searching high and low for the second deck of the Kindergarten Brain Quest.  I don't know what the kids did with it but I do know I want to have a complete deck.  After days and days of searching and frustration, I'm just going to buy it again and relax about it.  After all, they have come out with a new edition.  I'm going to keep it out of their reach too.    Brain Quest is invaluable for long car rides and days when we are taking a break from the computer and the television.  I should never have left it in their room within their reach.

Maybe that's it . . . maybe it's a combination of things that is making me take the loss of the hat and sweater so badly.

Is it a sign that this is my first post of the year?  Something more upbeat later . .. 

The Fat Body (In)Visible

I really enjoyed this mini-documentary.  I was introduced to it by one of my favorite posters on Nappturality.

the fat body (in)visible from Margitte Kristjansson on Vimeo.

I think that there were so many valid points made.  And even though I've lost all the weight now, I can appreciate the message that we need to learn how to a) accept ourselves just the way we are and b) work hard and actively to change the prevalent ideas of who can be included as part of the "beautiful people).  Anyone who falls outside of these unrealistic beauty standards is subject to being invisible or being "the freak"--and even those who match the beauty standards to a tee eventually will not.  It's inevitable.

Anyway, I thought I'd share.

What's Your Style?

This question always throws me for a loop.  Right now, I don't think I really have a style.  My goal most days is to look neat.  When I go to work, I want to look professional enough to be taken seriously.  I don't have any pieces in my wardrobe that I would say point to my personal style.  I had a style at one point.  It was kind of an Earth-mother, natural sista style complete with head wrap and long, flowing skirt.  I liked to wear buttons a lot too . . .  

But as I got older, had children, started to conceive of God in a different way, gave up the fight to grow locks, settled into the job of at-home mom, I became a lot more conservative about the way I dress and accessorize.  And I realized that I have always been on the more conservative side--even when I was rocking the Earth-mother style.  I never rocked huge ankh rings or other really obvious jewelry or clothing.  I'd wear a daishiki or other African-inspired print but usually just as accents.  I kind of always just wanted to blend in and not call attention to myself.  I think most people who are fashionable do so because they're comfortable being the center or attention.  I'm just not.

It's just funny that I considered myself a radical person for so long but now that I think about it, I've always been more conservative in my  dress and in my way of being.  It's just so funny when one realizes that they're just not as revolutionary as they suppose.  Or else they would have just done the dang thing already . . .

No real point to this post.  Just kind of rambling.  It was inspired by this jewelry that a sistren of mine introduced me to.  Very beautiful but I can't imagine wearing anything other than a ring to a very special occasion.  I like the fact that the jewelry is made from healing/energetic stones.  More than likely, knowing me, I'd purchase a stone with a certain quality but wear it inside where no one could see it.  Although I'd like to think I am hip enough to wear some of the other pieces comfortably and confidently, it just ain't so.  

Holiday Craftiness

Okay, so maybe not all that crafty.  After all, the candle rolling kit I bought is still sitting there untouched.  But I did bake up a storm!  This year I went with banana walnut bread and baked 7 loaves in total.  I also baked a dozen chocolate chip cookies for my sister.  The wrapping materials were all courtesy of the dollar store.  So the top picture is how I presented the loaves (with sparkling pomegranate juice from Costco--6 bottles for $8-$9) and the bottom picture is of the cookies (although by the time I got to take a picture, my sister had already opened it!).  I think that everything came out to about $30 maximum--Costco and Trader Joe's made that very easy.

This is my approach to the holidays--baking for people.  People love to eat and there's something so nice about a slice of homemade bread slathered with butter.  Hopefully as the boys get bigger, they can participate more and we can bake even more for those we love.  Another thing: this year I was moved to bake a loaf for our neighbors.  Recently, their son has been coming to play with Z1 and he's really a sweet kid.  So I used that little bit of connection as my opening to maybe make us more neighborly.  It's so disturbing to me that we live in such close proximity to people and don't even know their names.  I'm hoping this bit of holiday baking will go a long way.   

Too Fast!!

I am, by nature, a very impatient person.  I am also not a procrastinator.  I like to get things out of the way.  As quickly as possible.  I call it efficiency, that is, getting things done.  But, as most everyone can attest, when you increase efficiency, you have to sacrifice something.  For businesses, what's first to go is quality (especially in the customer service department).  In my personal life, most of the time what goes is thoroughness.  Things get done well enough.  Not perfectly.  It's the complete opposite of the hubby who takes forever to do things but does them with careful attention to detail.  As a busy mom though, sometimes efficiency is just what is needed.  I simply can't take a long time to do everything I have to do or else the stuff just wouldn't get done.  

But there is one area that I really need to focus on:  my eating.  Like everything else I do, I eat fast.  I mean, I inhale my meals.  Mealtime is over in about five minutes, generally speaking.  Yes, because of Weight Watchers, I spend time to plan out what I eat but the actual eating is a blur.  To compound the program, I usually like to read a magazine or a book while I eat.  No matter how spectacular the meal, it's over before I can really enjoy it.  To achieve efficiency, I sacrifice my enjoyment of eating, my observance and appreciation of the finer points of cuisine and, perhaps most detrimental, complete and thorough mastication.  

I'm trying to change this.  I am determined in this new year to really learn how to savor and enjoy food.  I realize that eating fast affects how well I can digest food (and my digestive issues are what caused me to start thinking that how I eat is probably just as important as what I eat).  I'm trying to not do anything else but eat at mealtimes.  No computer, books or magazines.  I would like to make my eating a practice in meditation.  This means becoming more consistent with offering thanks at the beginning and end of each meal.  This means really being mindful of what I'm eating and how I'm eating and what it feels like the whole time.  I want to really enjoy my food and stop eating for efficiency, i.e. just to get it over with and move on to the next "task".  I want to recoup all the sacrifices I have made in the name of efficiency when it comes to eating.  

Mindful Eating

Photo Credit 

Bikram Yoga!

I finally got around to taking a Bikram Yoga class today and I think I am in love.  I'd heard folks gush (and gush and gush) about classes and insist that once I took one class I'd be hooked.  Well, let's just put it this way:  I am trying to move my schedule every which way to see how I could fit in my next class.  

I really can't think of any cons about this yoga style. There was so much I loved and that vibed with me.  I loved the style of the teacher.  It's kind of detached and no-nonsense. There's no joking.  No miscellaneous talking.  No doing one side then [the teacher] getting distracted and forgetting to do the other.  The teacher doesn't demonstrate the poses but she gives a lot of detail about what should be happening in each pose.  The teacher also doesn't adjust you.  The heat and humidity really agreed with me: my sinuses opened up without me doing a thing and I could breathe fully and deeply and it was not uncomfortable for me.  The only other time I enjoy such free breathing is when I'm running but running feels like so much more effort.  It was so amazing: I'd do the postures which are not all that active (no jumping into positions or fast sun-salutations) and when I'd get into savasana (which was often) my heart would be pumping as if I was running.  Typically, after the yoga class I've been attending on Thursdays, I go for a run because the hour-long yoga practice really didn't feel like exercise at all.  So I'd do the yoga and then go exercise.  No so with Bikram.  It felt like yoga, i.e. the connection and getting into my body but it also felt like exercise.  I like the fact that I could learn the whole sequence of poses and still be challenged and engaged.  One of my biggest issues with yoga has been that I get distracted and my mind wanders.  Not so with Bikram.  The only thing I think I missed what the cueing about when to breathe in and breathe out.  I also got quite nauseous during Pose 11 and 12 but the teacher warned that beginners to the practice may get nauseous or dizzy.  I just sat out those poses and then jumped back in when I felt ready.

It was just a very cleansing experience overall and I really enjoyed it.  I did not want to get up from my final relaxation.  

Photo Credit

I don't want to speak too soon

And jinx myself.

But I think I finally know what is the cause of the stomach/gut problems I have been experiencing all these years: beans.

If nothing else, eating a wheat free diet these past weeks has forced me to really focus on my eating and how I feel after I eat a particular meal.  I noticed that typically after every meal, I'd feel bad.  Sometimes worse than others.  So I had started to suspect that wheat was not the culprit since I had not felt even a tiny bit better after cutting it out.  I started to suspect beans.  Yesterday, I didn't eat any beans at all.  No tofu.  No hummus.  No bean anything.  In other words, I had to rearrange everything I ate yesterday to exclude beans and that was actually more difficult than excluding wheat.  Three-fourths of my diet centers on beans.  

So I didn't eat it yesterday.  And I felt amazing yesterday and I continue to feel amazing now.  My stomach is settled.  I'm not in pain.  

I kind of feel a little foolish for not realizing it sooner but I had always prepped my beans properly (well soaked and cooked with kombu).  And I'd never heard anyone complain of gas associated with eating tofu or soy milk so I didn't think that could be part of the problem (although I did eliminate soy at one point to see if it was making my hair thin).

Now I have to really re-vamp my whole diet and I'm a little daunted.  See, I don't really know how to cook any other way besides vegetarian. I eat fish but it is really just as an aside:  a baked salmon fillet or some canned tuna added to a salad (that probably has beans in it).  I searched some books I have and also on the internet and came up with some recipes for raw burgers and hummus-like dips made with seeds or nuts but my intuition is telling me that this is it for me and a mainly-plant based diet.  I'm going to return to eating meat.  Of course, I have lots of standards for whatever meat I will eat and as my fortune would have it, I met a great mama a few weeks ago who runs a buying co-op.  The co-op sells all kinds of meat, milk, eggs and other groceries raised and produced at a farm nearby.  So I'm able to purchase high quality animal products (not fed soy) in a relatively inconvenient  way (pick-up is not far).  I'm not exactly sure where to start first in terms of cooking it but I figure that I can start by just adding chicken, turkey or beef to dishes where I would have used beans.  And then go from there.  Like Monday's dinner was sweet and spicy chili from Vegan Planet.  It tore my stomach up!  But I could cook the chili and before I add the beans, take out half or so to another pot and add some browned turkey or beef.  And then with the remaining half, add half the amount of beans.  

Sometimes I feel so stupid for going down the road of vegetarianism and staying on it even though I just felt worse and worse and worse as I continued.  I really wanted to be healthy but I got some micro-focused on this one way of "healthy" eating that I ignored the fact that it hasn't been healthy for me.    Yes, I had allergies and acne and all that . . . I really believed that a vegan/vegetarian/plant based diet would heal me.  Instead, I still have all that stuff and more complexities added on to it.  

I think about the spiritual aspects as well and I have to be completely honest:  not eating animals has never made me feel any closer to God or any more spiritual or connected.  I guess it's kind of hard to get connected when your gut feels like it's going to explode or something.  I actually feel that eating in a way that doesn't cause me to feel sick is the most compassionate thing I can do for myself . . . but I'm not sure how to align compassion on myself with compassion on the animals that have to die in order for me to eat.  The very least I can do is to make sure that the animals I do eat had decent lives and were killed as humanely as possible.  

It just amazes me sometimes how the ideals I had in my early twenties have just not matched up to my reality.  And it's taken this long to finally be okay with letting go and accepting what is.  

Wheat-Free Oatmeal Waffles and Weight Watchers Update

I'm still giving this wheat-free diet a try.  This coming Tuesday will mark 2 weeks that I've, to the best of my ability, avoided wheat.  Usually on Sundays we have pancakes and since I can't have my regular pancakes, I've been making wheat-free oatmeal waffles.  I googled and came up with a bunch of hits.  I combined 2 or 3 recipes to make up this one.  

Wheat-Free Oatmeal Waffles

Start by heating up your waffle iron.  You will need

1 1/2 cup rolled oats

1/2 cup almonds

1 medium banana

2 cups water

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1/8 teaspoon ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon sea salt

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 tablespoon sugar or maple syrup

1/2 teaspoon oil

Put everything in the blender and run it till smooth.  Spray your waffle iron with cooking spray, pour about a 1/2 cup of batter in and cook for about 8 minutes.  You should come up with 4 waffles.  

----------------------------------------------------

The waffles are really good.  I still have my tempeh bacon (which I marinated for the first time yesterday--they were awesome!) with them except I make sure to use wheat-free soy sauce.  By the way, the tempeh bacon recipe comes from You Won't Believe it's Vegan.

As for Weight Watchers . . . perhaps the best thing about WW is that it is adaptable to any diet: raw, wheat-free, vegan, macrobiotic, whatever.  Recently they changed the program saying that this new one accounts for new research discoveries--and it does seem to accommodate diets that have more fruit in it.  This new program assigns 0 points to fruit whereas with the old program, fruit was 1-2 points depending on the type of fruit.  I've spent this whole year that I was on WW diligently tracking my fruits and treating them with respect.  I don't eat 2 bananas a day (because that was 3 points) although before WW I would have without giving it a second thought.  In fact, all points are calculated differently (in some cases points values are higher) but you're allotted more points daily.  

I'm not one for change especially if something is working. I'm skeptical about the new program and I've considered canceling my account with them.  But I have to say that tracking what I eat with WW E-tools has kind of become a way of life for me.  I have tons of recipes on there and it's something I use every day.  In fact, I keep the window open all day long and sometimes plan out my whole week of eating.  

I realize that WW is a business and they have to change things up every so often to a) attract new customers and b) keep profits high (by keeping people from figuring out how to do WW without paying) so I can't fault them too much.  We weren't given a choice in the matter (i.e. the choice to stick with the old program or switch to the new) and so I have to get with the new plan (or quit altogether).  That in and of itself was really maddening but, I mean, if I just stick to what I've been doing more or less, I expect my weight to stay the same.  I am trying not to let the different point values change anything. I'm also thinking about using SparkPeople since they also have a recipe tracker and all that and it's free.  However, I'm comfortable with WW and I don't really feel like changing even though I fork over $12 a month to them.  

I have to admit:  when I woke up one morning and found that they had changed everything, I went into a sort of panic.  Like I said, tracking has become part of my life.  It really upset me that they had changed things.  I immediately considered canceling.  After all, I've lost the weight and I have a pretty good idea of how to eat to keep it off.  I think.  I'm not totally confident though and I like having the support of an online tracker to help me keep it visual and to keep a record.  I wish, though, that wisdom about eating were more intuitive to me.  I mean, all around not just with WW.  The WW change made me realize all too intensely that I don't know exactly what to eat to feel good and healthy. There are so many camps with different ideas about what to eat and I am willing to try different things but honestly, it's challenging.  And I seem to have no internal direction about what would make me feel good and what to eat (and how much to eat) to stay this size.  So I just keep trying this and trying that and having to rely on outside things like WW  . . . psychologically, that doesn't feel right at all.  But it's something that I think many of us struggle with since we are so disconnected from food production and traditional ways of preparing and eating foods.  We're at the mercy of those who say, "Eat this and not that."  It's all very . . . disconcerting.  

Anyway, I wanted to share that recipe and how I'm feeling about the new Weight Watchers. 

Mother's Guilt

is never too far away.

An acquaintance of mine recently said: "There's no such thing as bad weather . . . only bad clothing".  And I've sort of come to agree.  I still despise the cold (after all, I'm an African and do far, far better in the heat) but I see that if one dresses properly, one can be comfortable in some pretty extreme weather.  

I made the decision to continue running through the winter and invested a grip on appropriate winter running gear.  When I go for a run in 20 degree weather, this is what I'm wearing:

Bottom

• wool socks 
• Underarmour base layer bottom
• fleece pants over that
• windbreaker pants

Top

• Underarmour base layer top
• fleece vest
• fleece windbreaking jacket
• windbreaker
• gaiter
• fleece hat underneath a wool hat

Hands

• silk liner gloves
• windbreaker running gloves
• fleece-lined wool mitts

And wouldn't you know it?  It works.  I'm comfortable throughout my run (although I do need to get something to protect my face--Vaseline can only do so much).  I've cut my runs down a bit.  Short runs are now 20 minutes and long runs only 40-45 minutes.  So I can be outside without asking myself what the hell I'm doing out there for about 45 minutes.  It's amazing.  I've always been the kind to hunker down once the thermometer drops--a real whimp about the cold and here I am.  

Anyway, it got me to thinking that if I can be outside for 45 minutes in freezing temperatures, so could my kids.  And heaven knows they need to get out.  All this pent up energy . . . they are just bouncing off the walls trapped inside the house because of the cold.  But they don't have appropriate winter gear--nothing made for being outside for longer than 10-15 minutes maximum.  And they should.

Uh-oh.  Whenever should comes into the conversation, guilt is soon to follow.

I started to feel terrible because I've plunked down all this money on clothes to make running in the cold possible but I really haven't invested any time or money into serious cold weather clothes for them.  Oh, they have all kinds of "warm" mittens and hats, jackets and sweaters made from polyester fleece.  It's warm.  It's good.  But it's not the best for the cold.  It's not as good as wool and other natural fibers.  That's what they should be wearing!

I've been planning to knit wool hats and gloves for my kids for a long time.  I have the patterns lined up and all.  I just haven't gotten around to it.  I checked the prices for wool long johns and socks online and it's not cheap.  I felt bad because I've spent so much on stuff for myself without buying warmer, higher quality stuff for them.  

Until I realized that I wouldn't even be considering taking my kids out to play in this kind of weather had I not challenged myself to continue running through winter.  I would never have thought it would be possible to have fun outside in the cold (even if we can't be out there for hours).  The whole re-structuring of my attitude towards the cold is a direct result of running.   Why should I feel guilty about buying the things that allow me to do this one thing that does so much for me?  So I dropped the guilt thing.

In a few weeks, I'll look into wool long johns and socks for them.  I'll slowly purchase yarn to make wool hats and mittens.  Meanwhile, they have wool sweaters I bought at the thrift store over the years, random wool hats that I've made over the years that they can wear under their fleece hats, and cotton waffle knit long johns that while not the greatest are okay.  So maybe we won't be able to be out for very long right now but at least it's a possibility in my mind.    

Facebook Folly: Just Do It

I am on Facebook and have been for a while now.  I don't get too involved.  I check it once or twice a day, read statuses, sometimes post my own status and then log off.  It's been a great tool to check on people from my past lives (i.e. elementary and high school) but I don't get too wrapped up and try to keep my friends list cropped.  Despite the fact that I don't get too involved, there are some things that are pet peeves of mine on there.  One pet peeve,  was able to take care of was all those games and things people play that were showing up in my News Feed.  

My major pet peeve though is when folks get on Facebook and post these kind of statuses:

"I'll be cutting some of you guys off here on FB so take this as a warning!"

"Some of ya'll don't ever talk to me so you will be de-friended this afternoon."

"Oh cruel world, Facebook has done me ever so wrong!  I'm taking an extended leave!"

"I hate when folks post stupid status updates!  I don't care!"

"If you don't like what I'm saying, if it pisses you off, too bad!  Take me off your friends list!"

I just don't understand the point of these types of statuses.  If you want to prune your friends list, JUST DO IT.   No type of announcement is needed.  If you just deleted them as friends, if it's true that you guys are not that close, they probably wouldn't even notice.  People collect friends on Facebook like Z1 collects rocks:  not much of a criteria so long as it's a rock.  If you need to leave Facebook because it has taken over your life, JUST DO IT.  If you don't like what folks have to say you have the option to block them so JUST DO IT.  If you have folks on your Friends List that would take offense at you being who you are, take yourself off their friend list.  JUST DO IT.  For goodness sake.  

The world of Facebook has to be the most ridiculous world ever.  People taking offense at being de-friended.  Letting the world know their most personal details because they've forgotten that Facebook is *PUBLIC*  place even if your page is private.  I'm approaching 29 but I definitely feel like I'm out of step with the times.  Facebook is just not that serious and I don't really care about what goes on there.  It doesn't affect my life that profoundly.   And I really don't understand why it gets to that level with some people.  

I know, I know, to each his own.  But if something about Facebook annoys you, feel free to JUST DO IT.  Whatever it is.  Because it's just not that serious.  

The Leapster

For Z1's fifth birthday, we bought him a Leapster (which comes pre-loaded with games), two games and a case.  After about a month of pretty consistent play, Z1 seemed to have lost interest altogether in the game.  So I went on Ebay to scout some new, more advanced games figuring that he had already mastered the games that he had.  I bought two new games and that seemed to do the trick: Z1 was interested in the game system again.  That lasted about one week and then he started to ignore the game again.

I know already that in terms of learning style, Z1 is a dabbler.  That means that he likes to do a little of this and a little of that.  At times, however, he will find something he really likes and work on it tirelessly.  This was how he was with puzzles for a very long time.  Of course, I went out of my way to get him a wide array of puzzles and now we have a ridiculous collection.  Which he never touches. (Luckily, Z2 is into puzzles now.)   

Z1's learning style is very similar to the hubby's style:  the hubby knows a lot about and is competent in many things.  Recently, he picked up the harmonica and just with books and YouTube, has really taught himself a lot.  Learning the harmonica inspired him to pick up the kette drum again (he had just dabbled with it before) and now, he plays wonderfully.  I mean, it's really awesome to hear him play.  So I'm not really worried about Z1's learning style even though it's almost completely opposite of the way I approach things.  (I normally don't attempt things that I'm not sure I can be reasonably proficient at and then I focus on mastering that thing but these days, I'm trying to be more open and willing to take risks when it comes to learning).

Anyway, I got to wondering whether the issue with the Leapster is a learning style thing or is it a technology thing?  Z1 can play games on the computer for hours if you let him. He constantly asks me to extend his daily one-hour time limit.  He loves to watch my nephews play games on the Playstation.  And he covets his neighbor friends PSP.  So maybe the Leapster is just not as slick visually as these other systems?  Maybe the games are not as modern?  Is it like playing Atari when everyone has moved on to Nintendo?  

I will admit that I'm not in any way a game person.  I never had a game system and the only game I was really ever able to get into and play well is Tetris.  I prefer pen and paper word games.  Sometimes I like puzzles like tangrams.  Mainly I like to write and read.  So I'm having a difficult time figuring out what the problem is because I would like him to use what we bought for him.  At the same time, if it is really that the Leapster is just not as "fresh" as other games out there, I'm not ready to get him a different handheld gaming system. I watch the kids at his swimming class glued to those things.  It's what they do.  I feel like it's just one more distraction to add to the long list of distractions.  One more way to disconnect from the rest of the world.

I feel a bit sensitive about the issue already.  People texting when they very well could have called.  Staring at their phone, looking very busy, as a way to avoid social (polite) interaction at the playground or at a baby shower for that matter.  In a world that I feel is growing more and more difficult, it's pretty obvious to me at least, that we need each other, we need strong communities if we are to survive this economic climate.  Yet, it seems that at this time, there are just more and more things pulling us apart.  We're so "busy" all the time that we hardly have time to be with each other.

So pardon me if I'm not running to get the latest techno gadget for Z1.  I'm not ready yet to have him plugged in all the time although I do wish that spending my money on the Leapster didn't feel like such a waste.  I know that I can place limits on the times he can play with these things just like he's limited on the computer but . . . it really is a struggle to get him off once he's on.  He's human after all and how many adults complain about how hard it is to get away from their Blackberry or laptop long enough to have a real dinner?  Technology is addictive that way and I just think that he's too young right now and I'm not ready.  So it's the Leapster or, as it seems he has chosen, nothing for now.  

Fire Starter

Even though I don't blog about it much anymore, I'm still working on my emergency preparation/survival skills.  Recently, I purchased fire steels.  I had been wanting to add these to our supplies for some time now because I realize that there are situations where matches wouldn't really work (like if the conditions are wet).  I was having trouble figuring out how to create sparks with the fire steel despite following the directions.  Luckily, there's YouTube.  Sorry I couldn't embed the video but Ray Mears, who does the video, has some other really good videos available on YouTube.  (Another interesting channel I found is NaturalBushCraft.)  Not only did I learn how to use my fire steel, I got a tutorial on how to start a fire, an invaluable survival skill.  It's really cold right now but I'm really looking forward to the spring so that I can practice starting fires in the backyard.   

Foiled Project!

I wanted to get my fingers busy working on a project.  Something simple and easy that wouldn't take too much thought or attention.  It needed to be something that I could make with some of my stash yarn because recently I've spent a lot of money (mainly on cold-weather running gear).  I decided on this hat (Ravelry link).  I have some bulky acrylic yarn someone gave me ages ago.  It's a pretty color (green is my favorite) but it feels like . . . acrylic.  Anyway, I figured I might as well use it up and maybe give it to a charity or something for this holiday season.

I happily cast on and was knitting away on my cheapie bamboo circular needles.  The stitches were hard to move because of the friction created by the cheap yarn and the cheap needles.  So . . . I decided to switch to double points.  At that point I realized the hat was incredibly HUGE.  I don't know what I did wrong!  I cast on the right number of stitches using the right needles . . . there's no gauge listed in the pattern so I guess it serves me right!

The hubby joked that I could use it as a neckwarmer/scarf and I seriously considered it.  The picture just really doesn't show how ginormous this thing is!  Nonetheless,  I would have just continued on knitting but the pattern with it's 1 stitch cabling was just too fussy to keep going long enough to make a neckawarmer.  So I just cut my yarn and decided to start this pattern today--an actual scarf/cowl.  No big deal.

I'm going to make another scarf (which are really good stash-busting projects). I'm going to make this scarf which I saw someone wearing the other day and I thought was cute.

Anyway, here's a blanket I finished crocheting.  I just used stash yarn (Caron Simply Solft) and this pattern.  I love the pattern and I think the results are pretty.  My only complaint is that it doesn't lay completely flat.  But the only time you need a blanket to lay completely flat is for a picture. :p

Still Growing, Still Learning

I am.  

I let something go down a few days ago that had me kicking myself for my inability to stand up for myself and defend myself as the hardworking, knowledgeable, resourceful, experienced, well-read and wise woman that I am.  I was angry at myself for giving up my power.  I was angry at myself for the incredibly inane act of actually giving someone fodder with which to criticize me in my misguided (and just flat wrong) attempts to be agreeable and, well, liked.  And angry at the person too even though he/she wasn't doing anything I didn't allow.

I'm constantly doing work to better myself as a person and a mother.  I read a lot.  I meditate a lot.  I chant.  It's a priority to me and I'm open to advice and instruction.  I just always need to bear in mind that no one knows better than me (and I will *know* best if I just stay in touch with my gut, my true self).  

Anyway, after a couple of days, I am finally grateful for the experience.  It served as a gentle reminder to myself that I still have a lot of work to do in the area of communication. One of my best friends has been studying non-violent communication for a long time and this was finally the experience that I needed to make me realize that I need something to help me learn how to communicate in a way that's effective yet non-violent.  I recognize that many of my communication issues stem from my childhood and the way I was raised.  I feel myself tense when there's a possibility that a discussion will lead to flared tempers or hurt feelings and so I recoil and get passive (with strangers or folks who don't know me very well) or I get very defensive and lash-out (with those I'm closest to).  I want to express my needs without worrying about others reactions because I know that I'm conveying what I feel without accusing or projecting.  And that's a challenging thing to do.  

On another note, recently at my altar, I've been reading the book Buddhism for Mother's by Sarah Napthali.  This book is really a good one for me.  For some reason, I've been unable to incorporate ideas (or I've been inconsistent about doing so) from other books regarding integrating Buddhism into daily life but not the case with this one.  It is surprisingly accessible and I'm really enjoying it.  The last topic I covered was anger and on a few occasions, I've been able to watch my anger and figure out beneficial ways to handle it. The other day, I had just put a fresh diaper on Z1 getting him ready for be and he took it off. We were already running late and I just wanted to get them into bed.  Ordinarily, I would have flown into a rage (tired, frustrated, etc) . . . but this time, I was able to just acknowledge my anger, acknowledge that it was frustrating and just to put on the diaper with love and keep it moving.  In the grand scheme of things, really, it wasn't a big deal.  Certainly not big enough to let anger ruin the whole evening.  

Another surprising by-product of this book is that I've been honoring the Buddha(s) more.  It's amazing how so many of his words ring true even in this day and age.   

Picture Credit

Russian Blue

A couple of weeks ago, we got a Russian Blue cat.  The hubby thought it best to get another cat quickly so that we wouldn't feel the loss of Sophia so strongly and so the mice wouldn't get excited and come back.

Our new cat's name is Nora, not that she cares.  She's like the polar opposite of Sophia and it's been quite an adjustment. Whereas Sophia was not affectionate (would sometimes scratch or nip you if you tried to pet her), Nora always wants to be petted and loves to be around us all the time.  She often gets underfoot though which is driving us crazy.  But she's a beautiful cat with a sweet demeanor.  I really just like to look at her . . . she's that pretty.  And for some amazing reason, she doesn't drive my allergies crazy unless I stay really, really close to her for a long time.  That's a huge plus.  

Bringing Nora home drove home the point that you can't ever really replace another living being that meant something to you.  I sometimes worry about the hubby going through with the vasectomy thinking that if we had the great and unimaginable misfortune of losing one of our children, we wouldn't have the option to have another.  But even if we did, just from seeing how I feel about our cats, it wouldn't, couldn't make up for the loss.  

I wanted to share a picture of Nora with you all but it's daytime and she's under something sleeping.  When she gets up in the evening to eat, I'll see if I can catch her.