Respect Each Others Paths

You know, against my better judgment, I post my two cents to certain threads on message boards from time to time.  Even though I do it much much less than I used to, I still can find myself emotionally entangled by these "discussions".  Luckily, I'm wise enough now to know that I should quit early and I do.  Luckily, I have this blog to lay out my thoughts and get it all out.  Hopefully, I will learn that I shouldn't get involved in the first place because I really don't have the extra energy to spare.

Anyway, one such thread I posted to was about the fact that in regards to finances, it's more difficult to be single.  My comment was that while I'm happily married, I can't help but feel a little anxiety at the thought of being completely on my own financially.  I've never had the experience of living completely on my own having left from my parents house right to my husbands house.  It would be a real learning curve but I know within myself that I am resourceful and smart and that I could get on my own two feet.  Some folks responded to my comments as if I would stay in a horrible relationship because of what would, in my opinion, be normal anxiety at a complete change of lifestyle.  Others simply stated that they would advise all women to live completely on their own before marriage.  This was the comment that got under my skin.  There's nothing quite like someone implying that the decision you made for you life was wrong, or worse, stupid.  What happened to respecting other folk's paths and decisions?  Of course, I've wondered at times what life would have been like had I rejected the hubby's proposal and remained single . . . would I be amongst the statistics of women who are simply not getting married these days?  Maybe.  But that's really not the main point:  there is not one path for everyone and not more than one generation ago, it was the norm for people to move out of their parents home into their marital home.  Furthermore, as I have discovered, having married at a young age directly from my parents home, I have learned quite a lot--things that I see my unmarried or newly married peers are yet to grasp and may not ever grasp such as learning how to keep your mouth shut sometimes or letting your husband take the helm (not relinquishing your own power but acknowledging that things work better if one person is steering the ship and knowing the differences) or realizing that certain things you may think your husband can give you, he cannot and you're wasting your time looking to him for those things.  How was that for a run-on sentence? It's been interesting growing up within a marriage and I'm blessed to be with a man who really gives me the space to change, grow and be me.  At this point, I am firm in saying that if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the exact same way.  As it stands now, I'm done having children and by the time my children are fully grown, I will still be relatively young, which is awesome.  But even though it has been a positive experience for me, I wouldn't advise all women to get married at a young age out of their parents house.  I would say to listen to your gut (intuition) and make a decision that's best for you. 

Another thread about finances discussed the fact that some women feel the need to have a secret stash of money just in case.  My opinion is that unless there is some kind of abuse or gross mismanagement of funds, this is not necessary.  But I can respect that a woman may have that need inside her to keep something for herself, completely away from her husband especially if she has seen things go horribly wrong in her mother's relationship to her father.  I don't have that need.  I kept my own personal (pre-marriage) account until I couldn't anymore because I didn't have consistent income coming in and they were charging me to keep the account open.  I closed it and for a number of years, we just had one joint account.  During that time, I was able to develop a deep and abiding trust and confidence in my husband, which is priceless.  However, when I started my job, I got my own account in my name alone.  It certainly feels nice and is a huge boost to my self-esteem to have my own money yet I wouldn't say this is something every women must go out and do.   I (foolishly) shared my experience on this thread and the response was (and I'm paraphrasing), "You idiot! Don't you know that anything you open after marriage, your husband has access too?" Well, obviously!  Anything you do while married is potentially something your spouse could lay claim to.  That goes both ways.  So because you're married, now what? Don't invest? Don't open any accounts? Don't do anything for fear that your husband may one day go insane and try to take all your stuff?  I totally don't get it!  It kind of flowed along the same lines as the other discussion, i.e. it's best to be on your own completely before marriage and then to keep all your own stuff after.  Now, don't get me wrong:  I see nothing wrong with that approach but I also can acknowledge that other ways of going about things could work well too. 

Anyway, this post is more of a venting post that anything else.   I'm fascinated (and sometimes saddened) by all the different ways people approach this often challenging thing called marriage.  To each his or her own, I say.  It's a reminder to me that it doesn't feel good when someone decides how they did it was the best way to do it and is how everyone should do it and those who don't do it that way are  misguided, living in a dream world, stupid or just plain wrong.  It reminds me to respect the path and decisions of others--even if I don't necessarily agree.  And to stay the hell away from these threads.  LoL!

It's getting harder to workout

Recently, Z2 has been waking at 6:00. Sometimes he gets up at 6:15 or 6:20 but most days, by 6:30 he is awake and active. The hubby used to just kind of rock him and keep him quiet till 7 so I could finish working out. However, Z2 is now extremely loud in the mornings and gets out of bed to bang on the door to be let out, threatening to wake up his big brother.* He then wants to nurse as soon as he sees me. And then he's really up. I'm trying to not be deterred and just get the workout in while he buzzes around. But it is distracting, to say the least, trying to keep an eye on him while jumping around exercising. I think for my birthday I may just get a membership to a gym. There's this "manly man's" gym close to me. A lot of weightlifter's train there but there's a good selection of workout equipment nonetheless. I can actually walk there in 10 minutes in the months when there's light out by 6:00AM or drive there in 2 minutes when it's darker. I would be out of the house so I couldn't be disturbed. However, I don't feel positive about that plan because taking care of Z2 that early would cut into the hubby's sleep . And the hubby is not a morning person and actually needs that extra hour to function well (he wakes at 7:00). I'm trying to think of what my options are. I thought about just waiting till everyone is up at 7:00/7:30. I think I may try that today. The only thing is that really, by that time I need to be getting on with the day: doing Z1's lesson, getting breakfast ready, packing lunches, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc . . . basically, I feel that by 7:30, my work day has begun. I shift gears mentally and it's hard to get my mind into the game for exercising. I'm waking at 5:00/5:10. It takes me about 10-15 minutes to wash my face, brush my teeth, etc and then I take the rest of hour to journal, meditate, read/study, and chant. I really need these activities too--just as much as exercising.

I'm trying to put it all into perspective. When I was teaching, I had to be out of the house by 7:15 so the option of working out later, i.e. starting my work day later was not really on the table. At least as a stay-at-home mom whose hubby works an evening shift, it is.

I just wish kids would get with the program sometimes!! I miss my 6:00-7:00 workout hour!!

*We all sleep in the same bedroom currently although this Saturday, thank the Lord, that is about to change with the delivery of our new bed frame and mattress. We have not had a bed for years now. We have done without a bed due to a lot of reasons but most especially because of a crazy bed bug infestation which forced us to get rid of our whole bed set--mattress, box spring and frame and fumigate (you need to find someone who knows how to kill bed bugs because these like shits are seriously resilient). Bedbugs are vile and vicious and tough to get rid of! I don't know where they came from but I know that we got rid of them . . . and now, nobody and I mean nobody outside of my sons and husband and myself are allowed anywhere near my bed. But we've suffered a lot due to those bed bugs--sleeping on the couch, inflatable mattresses, the floor and then a futon (full-size--not even queen). And sleeping on a futon while pregnant has got to be a special kind of hell.

Well, since the bed bug thing, a lot has changed in the house. The front room became an office, the old bedroom became the living room and the two back rooms are bedrooms now. So in that way the bedbugs were a positive thing in that it made us change the way the house is set up so that it flows now. We're making much better use of space.

Anyhow, the hubby finished patching up what will be our bedroom ceiling and walls, put on a fresh new coat of paint, and we got some new carpet laid. The old carpet was old and stained from the homebirth (which was gross and for which I think the hubby still holds a grudge against the midwife and doula). And while the new carpet is not exactly plush (it's actually commercial carpet which may actually be better for my allergies), it's clean and neat looking and didn't off gas which was great. We bought a basic platform bed from Gothic Cabinets and a really good but pricey mattress. I preferred to wait till we could get a good mattress rather than getting a cheap one and having just as crappy sleep as we'd been getting on the futon we've been rocking with since well before Z2 was born. So while we're not getting a newly designed master-suite (no new furniture to speak of although I almost scored a great armoire on Freecycle), at least it will be our bedroom, sans kids. We're really looking forward. I'm hoping that it will change this new morning dynamic and that Z2, who seems to sleep better alone, will start to sleep until 7:00 again. Really hoping.

Suffocating

I'm going to be a little bit real/revealing today.

The loneliness and isolation I often feel as a stay-at-home mom is suffocating and sometimes excruciating. On stay-at-home mom message boards you hear the concern a lot so I know it's common for women who make the choice to stay at home to feel this way.

I don't have many true-blue girlfriends to begin with. Somehow or the other, I just have never really had the opportunity to cultivate those friendships throughout my life being somewhat introverted and very "booky". Right now, I'd say, I'm pretty "different", I guess some would label me eccentric. I don't generally go with the flow and I *must* do my own thing. So here I am at 27 years of age and I can really only say I have about three friends, all of which I met as an adult. One lives far away (and we really only reconnected recently). The other is on her way to becoming a naturopathic doctor and has a child of her own so she's extremely busy. And the other works full time and has a child of her own and one on the way. Me and her generally do drive-by visits. Oh, and there's my sons' godmothers, one of whom lives in Ethiopia right now and before that lived in California.

I won't lie . . . sometimes I start to feel a bit sorry for myself and think that if I were back at work, I wouldn't notice the void so much because I'd be too busy running around. But going back to work so that I can ignore the void is not the answer, I know.

Trust me, I've reached out plenty of times. Joined meetup.com and other groups for stay-at-home moms. Somehow or someway, it just never really worked out and I have not been able to make real connections that way. I actually hate doing aerobics and would rather do yoga any day. I've been thinking about taking a yoga class. I also am interested in belly dance too and I know that would be a way to get fit that I'd actually enjoy. I'd like to take a class of that too. It struck me that classes might be a good way to make connection with all different kinds of folks (because while a good friend who was a stay-at-home mom and on the same tip as me regarding natural living and world view would be exactly what I need, I'm open to all kinds of connections). The problem is who would watch the children? There's really no money in the budget for babysitters and so I basically have to do things that I want to do alone while the kids are asleep or while the hubby is home. And since he's not home all that often, it leaves me with very little time.

Then I decide that it's silly to be worrying about making friends as an adult and I really should just turn on the radio, fold this laundry, knit this sock, read this book . . . but it's inescapable. Sometimes you just want to go over to your friends house and just sit. And it's magnified by 10x's in this cold, cold winter because generally when I feel this way, I could pile the boys into the stroller and walk for miles listening to music or something or go to the playground and absorb myself in playing with them. The snow and the cold make these things difficult if not impossible.

I get tired of taking the boys to the library, playground, and other activities where I end up basically talking and playing with my boys, while the adults ignore each other. Adults seem to want to avoid meaningfully connecting by all means. I recently called one lady who brings the children she watches to the library program we go to and while we seemed to have a good conversation at the library, on the phone she seemed disinterested and distant. I figured she only talked to me at the library, then, because I was there in person driving the conversation and face-to-face you often can't just be like, "leave me the hell alone." (It's a testament to my personal growth that I didn't personally feel rejected by her coldness on the phone.)

Anyway, many days the only other adult I speak to is the hubby and since lately he works so much overtime, I often find that the whole day has been spent talking to and dealing with children. I go to bed mentally and physically exhausted only to repeat the whole thing the next day. Recently, I've been making it a point to read at least one mentally stimulating article daily. Even if there's no one to talk to about it.

It's gotten to the point now where I don't even want to participate on message boards or comment on folks' blogs anymore. I'll ask a question or make a comment and no one responds to it. It makes me upset. I realize that what I really want is someone to talk to, to reason with, and most times, it's just not there. Instant messaging doesn't cut it . . . I can't be attached to my computer all day. The internet, all around, is a poor subsititute for a roll dog to vibe with and dialogue with.

The whole situation has me really re-considering homeschool. Honestly. If I don't have any connections myself, how will I help my children make connections? I want to homeshcool them but I don't want to cut them off from social interaction. I've been busting my behind trying to find it and I just can't. Sure they would go to music classes, martial arts classes, swimming classes, etc . . . but would that be enough? And where is the money going to come from to do all this extra stuff to make sure they have social outlets? We'd need more income and I'm not entirely sure I could work and do a good job with homeschool.

It struck me the other day that one of the better schools on the north side of the tracks claims to have closed enrollment, i.e. only kids who live in that zone can go there. But my sister-in-law sent her kids to a school on the north side and she says it was just a matter of talking to folks and making your demands known. This school is a blue ribbon school within walking distance. I substituted there a while back and was very impressed. I do believe Z1 and Z2 would do well there and it would give me a few years to think about what we'll do when it's time for middle school (absolutely no way in hell they will go to middle school in this town). While they're at school, I could work part-time somewhere or focus on getting an advanced degree--something that would give me flexibility and time for them. I definitely know that I don't want to go back to full-time teaching.

So, I'm telling you, it's suffocating. I love being here for my boys and being a stay-at-home mother, but like with every choice, there are consequences. You don't always know exactly what you're in for when you make a decision but being grown means you just handle it. So while I'm not depressed about it (because honestly, I have a lot of shit to do with a 3 and a 1 year old anyway--I can't sit around depressed too long about things), I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me, that it didn't make me sad at times. There's no easy solution to this. So all I can really do is take it one day at a time remaining as open as I can be to opportunities to connect.

(((shrugs shoulders))) Time to go work out . . .

Up at Five

So as usual, I woke up at 5. When I woke up, my head felt funny. You know, like I needed to go back to sleep. But today is Thursday. The boys have a program to go to and they have to be there by 10. It's about a twenty minute drive too so in order to get them in the car, there, out the car and into the building on time, I have to leave at about 9:15. Which means that I have to shower before they wake up.

They generally wake up at 7. So in these two hours I would like to:
1. journal and meditate and chant
2. blog and read blogs
3. check my e-mail/respond to e-mail
4. stretch and exercise
5. knit or crochet something
6. finish my book

Now, really, I could spend two on any one of these activities if I really wanted to. But instead I'm trying to make these 2 hours magically accommodate all of that. And yo, it is stressing me out. And that's stupid as all get out. No matter what, something has to give.

And yesterday, Z2 woke up at 6:30.

I keep saying to myself, "Chi-Chi, you don't want to lie to yourself by saying you're going to work out" and willing Blogger to hurry the hell up. But I have not been honest with myself. Look, I have 6 things on the damn list to do, all important to me. How do I choose what?

Anyway, I finished knitting a hat yesterday. The yarn is fabulous. Rowan Cocoon, a merino wool and kid mohair blend. Supposed to look like this. The hat looks absolutely ridiculous on my head. Instead of feeling just a bit disappointed, I'm actually angry that I wasted practically my whole 1 1/2 hours yesterday plugging away at it trying to finish it. Anyway, here it is. I ran out of the tan yarn and used a creme one that I had in my stash to complete the top. It actually didn't look so bad on my niece and it's very, very warm. Sorry for the crap pictures.




It's just not healthy. Maybe I should have just stayed in bed.

Oh, and then to top it all off, on the computer screen, the hubby tapes a note: "Hey Chi-Chi, I need some food to bring to the office party today."

No words.