A while back I expressed how challenging it has been to actually work out since Z2 has been getting up earlier and/or at different, unpredictable times in the morning. It actually started to stress me out a lot. Instead of my "me time" in the morning , it became one huge race to squeeze everything in before Z2 wakes up. I was getting angry at him and even angrier at the situation. It became obvious that trying to get up earlier was counterproductive as I was struggling to stay motivated without the promise of a good chunk of time to myself. I was also struggling to get up at 5:00 (sometime 4:45) with no guarantee that I could get anything done (and also waking up quite tired despite 8+ hours of sleep). I realized that I needed a change when this past week, what should have been a routine cough turned into bronchitis that landed me in the emergency room. See, for me stress *always* translates into getting really sick and being really exhausted physically and psychologically. The issue is that I can be really stressed but have a difficult time acknowledged that until, unfortunately, I'm having difficult time breathing.

Anyway, a change of course is needed, of course. I thought about joining a gym or the YMCA but after pricing all that, it will seriously have to be a last resort unless I can find some kind of part-time income. Add to that the fact that my local YMCA is sorely lacking in classes and the gyms I can afford do not have yoga classes. If I'm going to leave the house to exercise, I really want it to be a one-stop deal. I mean, I know I can't afford yoga classes on top of the gym so it needs to be combined somehow. Yet gyms that do offer yoga are about $70+ a month which is for my financial situation, a nearly impossible reach.

While Z2's sleep in the morning is unpredictable, his sleep at night is. By 9:00, he is predictably out like a light and it takes much less time than

it used to to actually get him down. And so, Chi-Chi, the confirmed early riser/morning person, is going to try working out at night. My sister suggested it and while I was resistant to the idea at first, it actually makes good sense at this juncture.

I started to go to bed along with the boys for two reasons. First, I was generally exhausted at the end of the day and passed out with them while putting them to bed. I'd wake up at some obscene hour in the morning still in my clothes, disoriented and annoyed. So I started getting ready for bed with them and going to sleep at the same time they did which meant I would get up really early in the morning. Secondly, the hubby wanted time alone when he got home from work so I would try to give him his space. Nowadays, I'm not so winded at the end of the day and I don't have as much difficulty staying awake while putting the boys to bed. Also, the hubby doesn't get home till about 10:45. I'll be out of his way by that time.

I could work out from about 9:15-10:15 . . . a good solid hour which I know will not be interrupted. I would shower after and head off to bed. This may actually help me lose more weight (burn off dinner) and may lead to better sleep. I know that I have to have dinner over and done by 6:15 the latest so that I have at least 2 hours between when I ate and when I exercise. This might be a bit stressful too but I'm going to try. I'm excited to start and really hoping it works out. If it does indeed work out, I will invest in P90X (including the whole eating thing since I know I need to change my eating and was thinking about joining Weight Watchers for my birthday) because I will actually have the time to do it. It seems like this may be a whole lot less stressful.

Meanwhile, in the mornings I will still be hoping to get some quiet time to do my spiritual work although I don't mind (as much) having Z2 around while I'm doing that. I did this morning which helped me tremendously.

I don't know . . . the mornings have been so erratic since Z2 started this whole waking up whenever thing. I really want to get a handle on it. As it is now, it's 7:57 and Z2 is just waking up (which means Z1 and the hubby are just now waking up too). I can't plan a thing (including getting Z1's academics in). I know the fact that the hubby works late makes mornings difficult but I still need some kind of routine and predictability. So a lot is riding on changing my workout from morning till evening.

The hubby says the solution to all of this is to wean. But I'm not quite ready yet and neither is Z2.

Happy Independence Day Nigeria!

To my beloved Nigeria: may you ever prosper!

One Fine Sauce

Recently I've come to realize that a great sauce really does make a great meal. So I've been making some of the sauces that are most popular in my household in bulk, i.e. enough to fill a large mason jar (which I scored a ton of on Freecycle last year). Some examples of sauces that I make large quantities of are gingery stir-fry sauces, sweet and sour sauces, pizza sauces, brown sauces, curry sauces and barbeque sauces. These sauces are highly acidic, either containing tomatoes or some kind of vinegar (white vinegar, rice wine or red wine vinegar), or lemon juice so they keep very well tightly lidded in the refrigerator for weeks.

How is making lots of sauce at one time helpful? Well, it actually makes it easy to throw together quick meals that don't take that much forethought, time or planning.

Tonight's dinner was made with the last 1/3rd jar of barbeque sauce I had on hand. The recipe I use for my barbeque sauce is based loosely on Louise Hagler's recipe in Tofu Cookery. I made oven-barbequed tofu using the method in Veganomican, which is the method I'll be using from now on. This morning I took the tofu out of the freezer to let it defrost and when it was time to get started, I made sure to prepare the tofu by pressing out as much water as I could (by wrapping the tofu brick in my specially designated tofu pressing towel and placing my heaviest cast iron cookware on top for fifteen minutes).

The dish turned out fabulously! On the side was roasted red potatoes (just a little olive oil, Mrs. Dash seasoning, sea salt and black pepper) and some lightly steamed broccoli.

We enjoyed out dinner very much tonight and I enjoyed the fact that I wasn't in the kitchen slaving away for hours. I think this is my most handy homemaking tricks (aside from letting doughs rise overnight for freshly baked breads in the morning).

Freecycle Scores, etc . . .

So it appears my diapering days are drawing to a close. As such, I am not trying to put out any more money to buy diapers. But in all honesty, my diapers are on their last leg. I mean, some of them are little more than shreds of fabric held together by my sheer will to make them last. Anyway, thanks to Freecycle, we have some new items to add to the rotation which will hopefully keep us afloat a little longer.

Eight Proraps Trainers

An assortment of inserts/doublers including one Hemparoos insert and two from Motherease (that's Z1's hand--he had to be in the picture even though when I ask him to sit for a picture, he usually scrunches up his face and pitches a fit or runs and hides--go figure)

Two Bummis Super Whisper Wraps

2 Medium Fuzzi Bunz (I'm looking forward to using these as all my Fuzzi Bunz need an additional cover)

I'm thrilled!

On another note, I haven't talked about emergency prep in a while now and while I'm no longer obsessing as I once was, I'm still keeping a close eye on my pantry and my emergency supplies. I realized that while I have our emergency supplies in my house, they are not in one centralized location, i.e. a bag. So I've identified a good bag, one that's not being used for anything, and this weekend I will consolidate all our emergency supplies including change of clothes.

On another note still, I found a wonderful children's book in the thrift store the other called The Wednesday Surprise.

I love when children's books paint pictures of ordinary, working class families. Families where people have to ride the bus and fathers are off at work for days and weeks at time. Where mom works too and grandma has to come babysit. Eve Bunting, one of my favorite children's authors who also penned another favorite of mine Flower Garden, has done it again with The Wednesday Surprise. It's highly recommended and while I don't think Z1 could fully appreciate the book at his age, I'm glad that we've added it to our collection.

I chose the difficult road

It's true. When it comes to parenting, I chose to do things the hard way. And in one of many heart-to-heart conversations, I discovered that this is why the hubby is really through with having children.

You see, except for the fact that the hubby is RastafarI, he is a very middle of the road kind of brother. Not too extreme in any of his beliefs or actions. Me? Well, let's just say that's not how you would describe me. I often marvel at the fact that we actually get along since we are so vastly different. This applies most potently to our parenting.

See, whereas the hubby would have been perfectly happy to slap some Huggies on the baby and call it a day, I wanted to cloth diaper. After a bit of coercing, I got my way. We've been doing the cloth diaper thing now for years and while I loved and still love the idea of it, the truth of the matter is that it's hard work. Lately when Z2 poops, I want to throw the whole mess away not be in the bathroom hovering over the toilet with the diaper sprayer. It's gross. And I'm not really a fan of more laundry. But I can count on having to do a load of diapers every 2-3 days without fail. And there's pressure there too because without clean diapers, well, what's the plan? Elimination communication. (Wow . . . that's a whole other world that I can't even imagine dealing with now.) It's not the easy way.

Whereas the hubby didn't have a problem with the hospital birth of Z1 and the smooth way the insurance paid for it, I did. I really wanted a homebirth. And after weeks of fighting with the insurance company, they agreed to pay half of the midwife's fee. The other half, to the hubby's annoyance, came out of pocket. To him, what was a beautiful experience for me was a huge ball of stress for him . . . right down to the huge stain left on our tan carpet from the birth. It wasn't the easy way.

Then there's breastfeeding . . . he would not have minded in the least giving the boys some formula here and there or even all the time. It's mainly been my thrust to make sure they have received the very best. And as much as I'm thrilled to have been able to do it, I can't deny that it has really disrupted our lives in ways that are difficult to explain fully. Suffice it to say, Z2 wakes up in the morning screaming bloody murder for some milk. The hubby keeps encouraging me to wean. It hasn't been easy.

Then there's circumcision which I'm against and the vaccination issue and the decision to be a stay-at-home mom . . . basically for the hubby, there has been no ease in this whole parenting thing. Nothing has been straightforward. We've spent the whole time going against the grain. Or, more precisely, I have been going against the grain and he has been (supportively) along for the ride. Well, he hasn't just been along for the ride all the time. For some issues, I really had to fight him which I felt badly about but I just couldn't let the issue slide.

When I think about my desire to homeschool, this weighs heavily on me. It is definitely another thing that is solely "my thing" and it is decidedly not the easy road. The hubby would quite happily send the boys off to school because as he put it, he already pays his school taxes. Why spend money twice? And what does that mean about my return to work? He had always hoped that once the kids were all school age, I'd jump right back into the workforce and we'd make a lot more headway financially. The difficult road of being a stay-at-home mom means we give up a lot of luxuries and take a lot longer to do things that could be completed in a jiffy on two incomes.

And then add to that the fact that we don't really get any kind of significant breaks from the children since their grandparents have other priorities and everyone, in general, is quite busy with their own lives. And I really began to understand why he's so tired. And why he's through having children.

And then I began to admit to myself that I'm tired too.

I am eager to get back to the days when I could knit and crochet things, read books, exercise in peace. But I also have to admit that my children do bring me a great deal of joy and in all honesty, they move through these baby days so quickly that one more (only one more) wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Oh, I'd love to be one of those folks who romanticize the whole natural mothering thing and glorify it. But it's been a tough road to travel. And though I've never wavered, I definitely wish sometimes that I could be less bull-headed, more middle-of-the road . . . I don't really enjoy carrying poop-soiled diapers back home with me. That's actually not my idea of fun. I don't like feeling all stressed out in the morning trying to squeeze a workout and some chanting in before Z2 starts to demand to nurse. But these are things I really believe in and I really feel are important--important enough for me to go the extra mile.

I'm truly sorry about the way the hubby feels and often wish that the things that are important to me when it comes to child-rearing would also be important to him. But he's his own person and I respect and love that. I know where the hubby is coming from and so as of a few days ago, I've officially dropped the issue. Who knows if it will be picked up again?

I like to look at

What celeberities wear to award shows. I like the glamour and the creativity of many designers.

The most recent award show (I think) was the Emmy Awards. I happened upon this "Worst and Best Dressed List" from the ceremony. I agreed with them sometimes and other times I was left thinking, "Are they blind?" One glaring case . . .

So here number 25, Jenna Fisher. I liked the dress well-enough--thought she was well put together. They gave her a B+.

Scroll forward to my girl Chandra Wilson. I was like, "Whoa" She looked STUNNING. She picked a great dress for her body and her hair is tight. She's tastefully accessorized, makeup looks great. The grade? C-. They called the outfit "snooze worthy" even though it's almost the exact same dress Jenna Fisher was wearing style- wise except that Chandra's actually has more going on. Yet it's boring? They call her 'do disastrous. Really? Wow . . . it's a classic "Black woman" style that Chandra could maybe have pulled off with all her own hair (although there's probably weave for volume). I think it's pretty and well done--certainly not a mess and not the most basic of styles. Disastrous? Far from it.

Seems to me like there's something else going on here especially when you scroll to the next picture: Looks Like She Needs to Go Find Something to Eat Kristin Chenoweth, whose dress is just a whole bunch of sparkly things (looks kind of like crinkled up aluminum foil), who's wearing a ponytail, and whose makeup is, well, snooze worthy. She gets . . . an A from these folks. Please. With a Capital P.

I mean, we don't expect much from Hollywood as Black women but they could at least be fair. Chandra looked good and it should be by anyone's standards. Yes, she a plus size woman but she looks so well put-together. Not sloppy at all. Not a C-. Not on any planet or in any universe. I'm sure as an actress, she's used to the harshness in Hollywood. And I'm not saying that Chandra couldn't stand to shed a few pounds. But she made what she's got going on work in a fabulous way and to me, looked far better than Kristin Chenoweth who I think only got an A because she's rail thin and blond.

Am I being too sensitive? I don't think so . . . it was such a glaring disparity. And a huge nod to the prevailing beauty standards that do so much to damage the self-esteem of girls (Black and White) everywhere.

I'm also getting pretty tired of the whole "she looks good for her age" spiel. Like looking good has an expiration date or something. Like youthful looks are the only worthwhile looks. Huge eyeroll. I know some ABSOLUTELY STUNNING ladies who are done with their twenties, over their thirties, blazed through their 40s, sailed through their fifties and are still rocking in their sixties and seventies.

It's just a reminder that we have to be so vigilant about the toxic messages Hollywood sends to us and begin to formulate and adhere to our own standards of beauty.

**Sorry I couldn't post pictures directly into the post. I have not yet mastered adding pictures on this blog with a Mac.

So now what?

I was a walk-in today at my doctor's office. She made me blow my nose and looked at the snot. The snot was clear although in the mornings when I first wake, it's green and thick. Then she looked up my nose and could see that the sinuses are swollen shut. Her advice? Keep up with ridiculously expensiveClaritin D and a nasal spray. That is to say, it's not an infection. Just a really bad stuffy nose. That has lasted for all these weeks? I'm not so sure about that. But I figured I'd give her recommendations a try. So I went to the pharmacy and dropped off my prescription. When I came to pick it up, the pharmacist says, "$60 co-pay". Uh, no. I shouldn't have a co-pay for nasal spray--especially not one that high. Turns out that my insurance doesn't cover the nasal spray the doctor prescribed.

I called the doctor to see if the prescription could be rewritten. I guess I'll go pick it up later.

But in my gut I know this is an infection. It has to be. I have never had these symptoms persist so long. At this point, I'm wishing for just a regular old allergy attack. And that speaks volumes.

For about four weeks

I've been dealing with some kind of nasty bug. It has settled right in my sinuses and will not go away. I am going to break down and make time to go the doctor this week for an antibiotic because I'm really tired of suffering. I hope it kills whatever this is that won't let me be! My nose is so congested it's ridiculous. I've tried every natural approach including giving it time all to no avail. It's tricky when you suffer from allergies too because it's initially hard to distinguish between the two since they have similar symptoms. But I'm sure now that this is an infection that clearly I need help getting rid of. Luckily, so far, no one else in the family has gotten it. I hope I can keep it that way.

Being a mother of boys

Has deepened my appreciation for how important fathers are in the equation. Fathers are not optional. Boys need their dads. And if dad is not available, they need a good male figure in their lives. They absolutely require that intangible masculine something that a woman, no matter how attentive and thorough just can't give. And I'm not talking just any old dude in a boy's life. I'm talking about one who shows him how to handle his emotions properly--not afraid to show them but wise about his actions and reactions when under the influence of them. A man who the boy has unshakeable faith in. A man who loves the boy unconditionally and insists on always being there through the good and the bad. He is compassionate, caring, and understanding. Playful yet firm.

Boys, especially boys Z1's age, crave it. And blossom and bloom when they have it. And it hurts my heart to see the shadow of loss and void when I notice a little boy who doesn't have that looking on longingly at my son and his father or another father/son couple.

For sure, we all have different paths in life that make us who we are. But living where I do, I see a disproportionate amount of fatherless boys and I wonder if folks know just how profound that missing element is. Do they care?

And yes, fathers are vital for little girls too but that's for a different post.

Photo Credit: "Father and Son" by WisDoc

What a great weekend!

So I'm still figuring out how to type without my left middle finger . . . but, honestly, this weekend past was one of the greatest weekends ever.

After the stitches and all on Saturday, we went to the thrift store and I found a cute fall jacket and some other useful fall articles for the family. We spent a quiet evening at home and enjoyed ourselves even though because of my hurt finger, pizza for dinner was out of the question and even though we were supposed to go to the zoo Saturday but it rained.

Sunday, though, the sun was shining brilliantly.

I have to make mention of the fact that the hubby's job is really a huge blessing. Overall, he enjoys it, there's room for overtime, and it's not seriously stressful most of the time. Well, the hospital he works for sponsored a free weekend at the zoo for employees and their families. So we got free admission, a $10 food voucher and 10% off a purchase in one of the gift stores. A day at the zoo ended up costing up less than $15 ($5 each for the hubby and Z1 to take a camel ride and $4.05 for a zoo baseball cap for Z1 which he adores and slept in last night). We got to see some beautiful animals and Z2 is old enough now that he can really enjoy watching the animals, which was great. We also saw a nice little (free) show that dramatized the migration of birds in the fall. It was so informative yet so entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed being with my whole family on such a beautiful day.

The hubby had to work OT so we left in good time--but somehow I didn't feel all rushed. After the hubby was off to work, I just folded some laundry and took care of some odds and ends.

Then I took the boys out again thinking we'd go to a particularly nice playground in one of the local parks that overlooks the Atlantic. I was thinking that maybe since summer is over, we wouldn't have to pay to park. The long line of cars waiting to go in let me know that wasn't the case. I debated paying the$6 but then decided to keep my money in hand. I made a u-turn and thought we'd just go to the small playground we'd passed on the way. I parked close to some homes and let Z1 ride his scooter while Z2 was in the stroller. The playground was really small--no swings even--and pretty much empty so I thought we should just walk while Z1 rode his scooter.

Great idea!

We walked back to the park and got to see the drawbridge lift for a passing boat. Then we walked all around the park and got see the beautiful water and about 3 different wedding parties. Just loveliness all around (Z1 kept saying, "Look at all the princesses!"). We walked for almost an hour. Z1 got lots of practice on his scooter and I got some good exercise in.

I'm not sure why I haven't been doing that regularly. It was so much fun! I really can't stand being at the playground (alone) just standing there pushing a swing or spotting Z2 on the jungle gym. Our walk in the park kept us all engaged and it's something I'm looking forward to doing again and again and again. And I definitely don't mind doing it solo because I don't have to have eyes in the back of my head to keep track of everyone. Good stuff.

So while the weekend started off on a bit of a sour note, it ended really well.

So now it 6:55 AM and both the boys are awake and making a lot of noise. I wonder if I should start my yoga . . . Oh, and I found a whole bunch of "instant play" fitness videos on Netflix. It's great! I don't think I'll be bored for a long time.

In stitches

Well, I done did it now . . . LoL.

This morning while cutting up carrots for our scrambled tofu breakfast, I sliced a piece of flesh off my left middle finger. It bled. Then bled some more. Then bled more. So off I went to the emergency room, ever so grateful for having health insurance. The wait was not too bad at all since it was early Saturday morning. I received three stitches from a cutie-pie doctor and one tetanus shot from a nice nurse. I imagine the bill will be about $800. Where in God's name would I get that money from without insurance?

My finger is throbbing!!! Ouch!

Gotta get the stitches removed in a week.

There's something to be said for mindfulness. And with a 20 month old screaming to be picked up, it's often hard to achieve. But what a lesson today! I have to try.

And I need to stop rushing. Sheesh.

How's that for a fun Saturday??

I almost want to whisper this blog post . . .

met up with the school where i was supposed to be teaching crochet starting next tuesday . . . only one person signed up so the class is a no go

joined a buddhist organization in april though i'm not an organization person . . . one of the leaders gave me a task to do . . . basically calling members to renew their subscriptions to the organization's publications . . . i personally can't wait for my subscription to run out . . . how hypocritical of me to call harassing encouraging members to renew when i don't even want to . . . not to mention i'm not comfortable calling complete strangers (for the most part) and i have very few moments to make uninterrupted calls . . . moments that i'd rather use reading blogs or knitting . . . there's a meeting tomorrow at seven o'clock in the evening about twenty minutes from here and even though i said i wouldn't be able to attend because it's too late, they're acting like i didn't say anything . . . i'm trying to do the organization thing . . . i enjoy certain aspects of it but i hate the pressure . . . i hate feeling pressured . . . i like my freedom to come and go as i please . . .

(((sigh))) i'm trying to keep my spirits high but . . .

i almost want to whisper this blog because i don't want to complain . . . complaining is useless and i feel like i end up doing it too much . . .

i'm changing directions completely . . . i won't be trying to teach crochet anymore . . . i'm doing it strictly for fun . . . not sure what to do about this organization . . .

Direction

I got the opportunity to meet with some of my former professors during the last few weeks to try to figure out how I could break into academia, i.e. earn my doctorate. Both of them suggested that I need to get back into the classroom and teach for a few years before I make that leap. Both of them said that becoming an adjunct professor right now is Tough with a capital T. They gave me good insight and I really enjoyed meeting with them but honestly, I can't see myself back teaching children.

Well, my sister, wonderful treasure that she is, pointed this program out to me. It's perfect in that it combines something I'm passionate about (education) with something I'm interested in (anthropology). It helps also that I already have an advanced degree in education. I'm very interested in education as it relates to boys so I even have some idea of what my focus will be.

I had already determined that the next school I go to would have to be a top tier school--no more public colleges for this sista (both undergrad and grad were public). I need the resources that top tier schools can offer. I no longer have the will or the time to scrap around making opportunities. I want opportunities to already be there. Does that sound snotty? I really don't care. I know what it's like to struggle through school and then struggle after school. No network. No help. Not fun.

So, it looks like I've decided to go back to school. I have no idea where the money will come from or how it will even work out. Or when it will happen. But that's my direction now.

It's good to have direction.

Why are their panties in a bunch now??

Is this the speech that some conservatives are all uptight, upset and in arms about? I don't keep up with the news and politics further than what I read on folks' blogs and wha interesting headlines my eyes happen to fall upon as I check e-mail and such. I couldn't miss all the racket conservatives and anti-Obama folks have been making over Obama having the gall to *gasp* give a back-to-school speech. The speech itself, is classic Obama style anyway, i.e., a pep-talk. A very well-written pep-talk. It's just not that serious.

The article I linked says, "Much of the brouhaha could have been avoided if 1) there were other news last week" So interesting . . . I guess the U.S. is the only place in the world and since "nothing was going on" here, nothing was going on anywhere. (((Sigh))). The silliness continues.

Do people still use computers?

It seems like these days, all the things people used to do on computers, they now do on their Blackberries or other similar devices. Texting is the only way some people seem to be able to communicate effectively and for a pre-paid cell phone user like myself, it's annoying. Not to mention I feel like I got left back technology wise.

In addition, we don't currently have cable which makes for very little to watch on television. The hubby is quite pleased with his Netflix because he's a huge movie watcher. Me, on the other hand, I like to watch the Food Network, HGTV, and DIY Network primarily so Netflix isn't really doing much for me.

So sitting around thinking of ways we could cut costs or at least keep them the same while still having internet access, some cable and up-to-date cell phonery. I'm drawing a blank. Right now, we're paying about $75 for home phone and internet service. The hubby put $50 on his cell phone about three months ago and still has a ton of minutes left. I put $100 on mine around the same time and I'm still rocking with them although I use my phone much more than the hubby to coordinate playdates and such. You really can't beat that in terms of frugality. So, I think we'll just have keep things the way they are. (((Sigh))) Folks keep talking about getting rid of their home phone service and saving money that way . . . but I don't see how. I must be missing something somehow.

Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed their Labor Day Weekend! Now back to work!!