Brown Skin

If only my skin looked as good as the woman in this picture that popped up when I googled "acne prone skin"! {{{chuckles}}}

I always attributed my acne to the fact that I had oily skin. Supposedly, it was the oil clogging up my pores and causing the pimples and cysts. But after having two children, my skin is completely different. It's pretty dry and often kind of dull. The complete opposite of what it once was. And yet, I still have acne!

I usually have a clear complexion until the time I ovulate or a few days before the start of a new moon cycle. This month's bout of acne is quite severe--more severe than it's been in a while. I'm trying my hardest to leave my skin alone but I'm pretty sure that there will be a lot of bad scarring once this is over. I even bought acne medication (a cream with 2.5% benzoyl peroxide) to try to improve things more quickly but it doesn't seem to be doing much.

So I'm not quite sure what to do. I've been cleansing with knock-off Noxzema and following up with a mix of shea butter and jojoba oil. I can't say it's working like a charm but it's all right. And cheap. I picked up a book at the library called Brown Skin by Dr. Susan Taylor and I'm hoping that it may shed some light on what I'm doing wrong and maybe how to do it right. I'm sure I'll be dealing with acne for the rest of my life since my mother still is and I'm okay with that. I just need to find a way to lessen the severity of breakouts and recover from there without any major scarring/hyperpigmentation. And I need it to not cost a lot.

FO: Sideways Grande Hat

I'm on a roll!! I finished my Sideways Grande Hat!!

It's a really beautiful hat knit with a luscious yarn (Knitpicks Cadena in Cranberry). It is incredibly warm and cozy. But it is also massively huge for my little head. (((Sigh))) Not to mention that I think it's a bit too stylish for me, if that makes sense. My style is kind of nondescript/mellow bordering on bland. So it's a little too flashy. I don't know why that didn't occur to me before I cast on but whatever. It was a fun knit (getting to do the funky twist/mock cable was well worth the effort) and I got to practice my seaming (using mattress stitch). I hate seaming and generally avoid things that are not knitted in the round. But this pattern was cute enough for me to abandon my rule just this once.

Here are the specifications:
Start Date: January 29, 2010
Finish Date: February 2, 2010
Yarn Used: Knitpicks Cadena in Cranberry (1 and a half skeins)
Needles Used: 6.0mm, 5.5mm, 5.0mm and 4.5mm
Here it is on Ravelry.

Next up: Old Shale Scarf for one of my good friends.

You know it ain't nevah gonna die, right?

The discussion about Black hair, I mean.

Me personally, I'm weary of it but it seems like as a collective, we'll never get tired of talking about our hair. It's that complex so I know, like most every Black woman, that this won't be the last time I talk about it--whether I'm tired of the topic or not. We seem to like to sit around remembering what went on with our hair as children. The trauma mostly, although some folks have fond memories of bonding with their mothers or whoever took care of their hair. And because of all the emotion we have tied up in a hair we protest vehemently when someone says, "It's just hair" and insist but . . . but . . . how can it be "just hair"? But, If an individual decides that to them it's just hair, why can't it just be?

I'm one of those folks who say that it is, after all is said and done, just hair. This is the most balanced and sane approach for me. If I lost all my hair today, admittedly it would be difficult but because of the journey I've been through, it wouldn't be some earthshaking event. I'd be okay. I've learned the hard way not to tie up my identity in what my hair is doing. According to some, me wearing a lowboy right now is speaking volumes about who I am and what I think. It's not simply how I am choosing to wear my hair. It just has to be more. Fundamentally, though I am who I am. Whether anyone who's looking at me thinks so or not.

I don't think it's healthy for me to have all this energy balled up in something as fragile and non-living as hair. I know. I've been there. Automatically thinking brothers with locks had some kind of consciousness going on. Sisters with natural hair were natural sisters. Thinking if I were going to wear natural hair, I shouldn't do x, y or z. I've been there watching locks thin and break. Starting over and getting filled with hope only to have it happen all over again. If the first set of locks I ever started had stayed with me, I would have had them for 7 years this year. And again I'm only speaking for myself. That place of worry and angst about what will people think. What will they say? What does it say about me? What am I saying? It can turn into a real deep well of sorrow and frustration especially if what you want to happen with your hair won't happen with it. When what you wish to see ain't what's going on. It can turn into a cage when you want to do something with it but can't because you don't know how it will be received, how folks will react and what they will assume and how they will treat you based on their assumptions.

The hubby has locks that extend past his waist. When he complains of how hard it is to wash them, to exercise with them, to live with them, I never flippantly say, "So just cut it!" I know how important his hair is to him. If he says, "You know, I'm thinking about cutting it," you'll never hear me say, "Don't do it!" I usually say to him, "Babes, do whatever makes you the most comfortable." His locks are still on his head and probably will be for a long time to come.

I kind of see it like this. To a Muslim, the Koran is sacred and holy. To an Atheist, it's pretty much another book. It really doesn't make sense for the Muslim to keep shouting at the atheist about how holy the Koran is and it equally doesn't make sense for the Atheist to keep insisting to the Muslim that it's just another book. It's also equally ridiculous for the Muslim or the atheist to assume that everyone he meets holds the Koran in the same regard.

So if hair is not just hair to you, that's okay. But if it is just hair to someone else, that's okay too.

But don't misconstrue . . . I wish every Black woman could love every aspect of wearing their hair the way it grows out of their head. I personally believe Black hair in it's natural state is the most beautiful hair on top of a Black woman's head. But at the end of the day, it is what is. And it always will be.

Photo Credit: Olaf Hajek via http://www.ba-reps.com/blog/tag/books/

Super Quick and Easy Black Beans and Rice

Tonight I really didn't want to be bothered with a big production for dinner. So I put together this recipe and I'm thrilled with how it turned out. Previous attempts at beans and rice have left me beans that were too mushy or rice that was overcooked. Tonight's attempt was perfection. So here's the recipe:

Super Quick and Easy Black Beans and Rice

1 tbsp olive oil
half of a large onion, diced
half of a large green pepper diced
2 cups cooked brown rice
one 15-ounce can black beans, rinsed
2 tsp. chili powder
1 tsp. cumin powder
1 tsp. garlic powder
1/4 tsp. red pepper flakes
salt to taste

Saute the onions in the oil until they soften about 2-3 minutes. Add the spices and cook for about a minute till fragrant. Add green pepper and cook another 1-2 minutes. Add the cooked rice and stir everything till combined. When rice is warmed through and evenly coated with oil and spices, add the black beans. Add salt to taste and voila!

This recipe serves three (or 4 if you serve it as a side dish). It's 6 Weight Watchers Points per serving.

Oh, and of late, Z1 is completely and totally against tomatoes of any kind in his food so it's an added bonus that they are not featured in this recipe especially since so many of my other recipes rely on tomatoes. So yeah for something the kiddo will (potentially) eat.

He did not eat it, btw. But because there are no tomatoes, I'm positive he might give it another try.

I think it's so stupid

When folk's on these "Redesign my Kitchen" shows say that they eat out most of the time because their kitchen is so "outdated" and "non-functional" and "old". That is such American foolishness.

So what if your stove doesn't light without a match/lighter? Does it light at all? So what if you don't have a "working triangle"? You have a stove, a sink and a refrigerator. All within a few feet of one another no matter the configuration. One couple actually said they couldn't make a roast because of their "antique" oven--while they still had all the shelves in it. (((Sigh))). As if in the "olden days" folks didn't make roasts.

A nice looking kitchen doesn't make a good cook. A nice looking kitchen won't eliminate laziness. Sure, it's nice to have a nice looking kitchen but let's not blame the kitchen for the fact that these days, in this society, convenience and laziness rules the day.

That's all .

Great Score

Seventh Generation Baby Wipes

Usually about $3.50 per 70 count pack. Found two packs on the clearance rack at Super Stop and Shop for $1.15 each. That's $2.30 for 140 wipes. It will take me forever to use 140 wipes. I hope I don't have to ever buy another pack of wipes. That means I also hope Z2 learns to use the toilet soon. I believes in letting them go commando . . . that's the fastest way to help them get it! Oh, if the hubby weren't so squeamish! We'd have this done already.

FO: Hot Water Bottle Cozy

A quick and easy project. This hot water bottle cozy only took me 3 days to complete and it would have been shorter except I frogged it once because I wasn't following the pattern and my stitch count was way off. The design is clever--it's crocheted in one piece then folded over and stitched together. I added a button not because it really needed it but because I thought it was a nice touch. I added crab stitch all around because that's my favorite way to finish off crochet pieces.

Overall, I'm very pleased with the project. I used up some yarn that was just sitting in my stash and for which I couldn't think of any specific project. The yarn is variegated and therefore tends to be a bit busy for larger projects but lends itself well to such a small project.

I feel like completing it so quickly has added fuel to my crafting fire! I'm ready to move on to my Sideways Grande hat but I'm debating whether I should churn out another XL soaker before I do that.

And now I lay me down to sleep

Often before I go to bed, I feel the urge to pray to God. This is despite the fact that I'm in a place where I am unsure about God. I don't understand God and while I don't know if I would want a God that I could completely understand, I don't feel able to trust a God I don't. I don't feel warmly towards God necessarily. I don't feel like God is my Mother/Father or that God takes care of me. I'm not really sure if God loves me. Or if God even deals with love since love is more so a human emotion and feeling. Maybe God is love. Maybe God is not. Maybe God is something beyond love. Like an inseparable union of love and hate. Something we can't grasp as humans. I don't know. Confused jumble of feelings about God is what I am.

But I do know that up until now, for some reason on the other, I've been protected and provided for so I give thanks to the Universe/God. I'm not sure if He/She/It is listening or interested in my thanks but I am thankful nonetheless. But when I get that urge to pray, that's what I usually do even though feeling like I need to pray is probably more a force of habit than anything else. I think it's pointless to pray for protection for myself or for my family or to pray for things in general. I have no idea if that's what is in God's plan for me or if there is even a plan or if God is making up the plan as we go along. I feel like if there is a plan in order for my life, I can't do much to change it. All I can do really is accept it and do the best I can in any situation I'm faced with and try my hardest to set my course the way I want it to go. No guarantees it'll go that way, though.

Sometimes I wish I had a concept of God for myself that was more comforting. That I could nestle into and rely on. That would, I think, make the difficult times easier since I would be convinced that, hey, someone out there has my best interest at heart, I mean, He/She/It loves me with every fiber of it's being and He/She/It is Big Boss Hog straight running shit. (as opposed to it running itself). Someone once told me (before I learned to knit/crochet) that God must love humanity because God created it. When I started to knit/crochet, I realized that was a shaky argument. How many things have I made that I completely hated and then unraveled or threw in the bottom of the draw or donated or used as a rag of some sort? Yeah. Not much comfort there.

Anyway, so here I am trying to find a path that works for me and that feels right to me and that makes sense and that doesn't rely too heavily on God. I'm mean, I'm not mad at God at all. I just don't get It and I'm not sure I will. But is it the supreme level of haughtiness and pride not to just submit? Why do I have to get it? Why can't I pull up some faith from within myself and just trust?

One question just leads to another.

So when I lay down to sleep, instead of going down that road, I just say thank you with all my heart for all my blessings. And I leave it at that.

Gumbo!

So, I've never had real gumbo like with real sausage and neither has the hubby but when I saw Vegan Dad's recipe for Gumbo with Vegan Andouille Sausage a few years ago, I was intrigued. So I made it bu I think I was the only one who liked it. Granted, I didn't have some of the ingredients then so that might have been the problem.

Well, on one of Z1's DVDs (don't ask me which one) they were talking about gumbo and so Z1 was nagging me to make some. Since we were in a kind of rut meal-wise (beans, beans and more beans albeit with a variety of grains and breads), I decided to make it again. This time, it was a real hit. I think I will make this more often with one modification and that is to brown the sausages before I add them to the soup. Even though the Andouille sausages were delicious, we all agreed: we didn't like the mushiness of the sausage in the soup. Browning them before adding them to the soup may help to keep them a little more firm.

Each serving of the gumbo was about 6 Weight Watcher's points each and since it's a very filling meal (lots of vegetables), that 6 really good quality points. I'm sure I'll make it again soon especially in these cold winter months (the pepper really warms you up).

It's the hubby's weekend off (and one of the very few where he's not working overtime) and I love to make comfort foods when he's home. Today, I'm making pancakes and tempeh bacon for breakfast (although I'm not having pancakes). I'm making pizza for dinner.

FO: Clapotis

I'm so excited to finally be able to share my Clapotis! I have wanted to knit this for a long time and so it feels great to say I did it. This project was a lot of fun to do even though it was a relatively large project because it was easy to memorize the pattern and the motion was fluid and repetitive without being boring. In other words, there was enough variety in what I was doing to keep me engaged but I didn't have to devote 110% of my focus to the project. This translated into a project I could do while the kids were awake which was great. It was nice to have my fingers working on something consistently for so long and I have to say, the finished product is beautiful. It has a lacy feel to it because of the dropped stitches but I used medium sized needles (Size 7) and a worsted weight yarn. So here are some pictures:

The pictures don't do this pattern much justice so I hope you look at some pictures from other folks to get a better idea of just how pretty it is.

The yarn I used was Filatora Lanarota that I got last year at Smiley's Yarn blowout. I really love this deep and rich color but I think if I were to do this pattern again in the future, I would go for a variegated yarn or something a bit lighter. I bought four skeins of this color for this project but I ended up only using two and a half. That was a nice surprise and I'm already thinking about what I'll use the rest of the yarn for. Z1 needs another extra-large soaker (that boy has some thick, muscular thighs--sheesh) and this yarn would be perfect for such a project.

Since I've got some momentum going, I immediately started on another (simple) project: a crocheted hot water bottle cover. I'm using just some oddly colored variegated cotton yarn that I had in my stash. We usually wrap our hot water bottle in towels to keep it from burning the skin but a cover actually made for it would be much more functional. I'm only loosely following the pattern, I have to say though, because I am a much more advanced crocheter, I basically know what to do without needed to stay glued to the pattern. This project will be my daytime work while the kids are awake. I am determined to finish my Monkey sock by the end of next week by the latest. How long can a project wait to get finished? Yeah, it's really time to finish!

So I've got my knitting/crochet mojo back (I think). Chimamanda Adichie's new book That Thing Around Your Neck just came in at the library (I had put it on hold). I hope it doesn't derail me too much.

Relative Worth of Beliefs

Beliefs are just that. They are not right and they are not wrong. They change. They evolve. Sometimes. They remain rigid and unchanging. Most of the time. And in this world, the worth of beliefs is simply relative. My beliefs are worth more to me than yours and vice versa. That doesn't mean yours are worthless (or bad for that matter) at least it shouldn't mean that. But to some people, it does.

I'm not a Christian now even though I was raised as one. I was raised to believe that anything outside of the Protestant Christian way of believing was a lie. That included Catholicism. Islam was especially despised given the history of Nigeria and my parents being Igbo. Indigenous belief systems were purely devil worship--originated by and in worship of the devil.

I do not see the world that way. I think everyone can believe whatever they want to so long as it doesn't infringe on my right to believe what I want. But humans have not evolved to that point yet. Will we ever? I don't know.

It seems for many the most disturbing part of voodoo is the animal sacrifice. Yet animal sacrifice was what was required in the Old Testament before Christ became the ultimate and final sacrifice. Abraham was quite ready to sacrifice his own son because God said so. It's always been disturbing to me that a loving God would sacrifice his only child for anyone or anything but hey, it's a Christian belief so according to some misguided folks, we should all take it for granted, no questions asked. Nothing too terrible about that. It's all mystical and historical and God-ordained so it's all good. For the Bible tells me so.

I don't mean to knock anyone's faith at all but it takes a special kind of hubris to think that you have a direct line to God Almighty to know His mind and know the reason behind all that happens in this world. Little you. Who doesn't even really know what's going on in your own subconscious.

Too much of what voodoo and other indigenous faith systems are about are unknown. As a consequence, there's too much misinformation and fear. Add to that the fact that these systems of belief come from people of color: dark people from a dark place and it's easy to see how people can callously talk about pacts with the devil and then turn around and try to do relief efforts--all in the same breath.

I think I've read it all today: that Haiti got it's independence "too soon" is another bit of foolishness floating around. That if it had waited till the 1950s or 60s it would have been so much better off.
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I'm waiting to read a really good article about this by someone with more time and more energy to research it and write it. Me? I've been up since 5:20AM. Z2 woke up around the same time and never went back down. Exercising is a no go today--I've got pain in the tendon of my ankle and I've had it for two days. I also have a headache and I put on one pound. It's cold outside and this tragedy in Haiti is weighing me down tremendously. I feel powerless to effect change in the world. (((Sigh)))

Haiti's Earthquake and Some Perspective for Me

Things are relatively peaceful right now at least in this corner of the world. This recession/depression wears on and things are pretty bad but it all still feels surreal. In my household, income is still coming in although overtime is no longer worked for extras like vacations and large ticket items but rather to keep our heads comfortably above water. But thank goodness there's that overtime and I'm super grateful for my Saturday job which pays for Weight Watchers and other little things.

I know the world is changing all around and I know I should be saving saving saving. So when I buy things and do things that are not absolutely necessary such as Weight Watchers, my yoga classes (which I bought on sale in December), that cordless hand-held vacuum that will help keep this place cleaner, I sometimes feel guilty and irresponsible.

In all this preparation for the unknown, though, I realize that too much is unknown and really the single best way to prepare doesn't have to do with storing food or saving money but getting my mind in the right place to handle anything. Including the very real possibility that I may not survive. I'm just looking at the pictures of Haiti and all that and wondering what any amount of money or food stores could have done to keep a building from collapsing on top of you. It makes me cynical but also gives me a little of my freedom to be back.

You see, I am right here in this present moment. This is the circumstance. I live where I do. This is the time I live in. And as much as we like to think we're the master of our own destiny, I'm pretty sure we're not running shit the way we think we are. None of this emergency prep business is a guarantee of anything. The shit may hit the fan in a way that would completely blow our minds and render all our preparations and all our savings a nice little fantasy.

So in whatever way I can, I'm going to try to enjoy my life right here. I've food to eat. A place to live. And a very little wiggle room in terms of finances because of my Saturday job. In the next few months, I can't say what the landscape will look like, if internet will still be widely available, if we'll have access to consistent electricity, if the government will declare martial law or if we'll be invaded by aliens. Shit, it could happen later on today. But right now, none of that is going on.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy and start acting recklessly. But I'm already smart about my money. I don't buy things without thinking. I save as much as I can. I reduce, reuse and recycle. I'm frugal. I'm resourceful. If the ship holds together even somewhat, these are some of the things that will keep me going. And the memory of how much I enjoyed that yoga class that I felt unsure about taking when times weren't as hard. I keep on reading my survival/peak oil type blogs because there's a lot of information but it's with a certain levelheadedness and appreciation of what works for me because along with all the info I'm getting is a whole lot of opinion and speculation. And while no one can predict the future, it's good to be aware of the varying versions of the future that are out there--even if so many of them are bleak and sad and involve a great deal of suffering.

So as I think about my brothers and sisters in Haiti, it brings a lot into perspective. I've been chanting for them non-stop and thinking of some ways I could help. I've already donate but that feels kind of impotent. I don't know--it's such a massive destruction. I also keep wishing people like that fool Pat Robertson would go away and it makes me so sad and angry that there a people who actually agree with him. I have heard White people say time and time again that they should not be held responsible for the actions of their ancestors. Even if Haitian slaves "made a pact with devil," what the hell does that have to do with their descendants? And if I hear one more thinly veiled attempt to blame Haitians for their current sorrow because of voodoo . . . Agh . . . I didn't mean to get off topic. Farai Chideya gives the real history here.

I first began to think about how libraries would fare in this depressed economy when I read this blog post by Sharon Astyk. I had already begun to notice some libraries holding fewer hours, opening later and closing earlier but for some reason, and also some really disgruntled workers. It didn't quite hit me as much then. though. I mean, it's obvious that many of us own our own computers (or internet-ready devices) and get our information from the internet. Libraries are much more underutilized these days I remember as a child I used to go to the library with my class to learn how to use the card catalog and how to find things in the library. In college, even, as a freshman, we were required to have a few sessions at the library to familiarize ourselves with how things work there and how to use the library to do research. My nieces and nephews who are in college and high school now have never taken these kinds of classes and almost all research is done on the computer using online databases. So it's very easy for local governments to cut funding to our public libraries and I can't say I don't understand.

But while I, like most people, use the internet for a lot of things (including using the online library card catalog), as someone on a tight budget, the library is an invaluable tool. I know that I cannot afford to lose the library. I currently have almost 30 items out and this includes books for the children, media (DVDs, tapes, CDs, CD-Roms), books on tape, magazines, etc. The library adds a richness to our lives that I want to hold on to. And like Sharon, I wonder, if the internet is no longer available and we have not been keeping up with our libraries, what will we do?

Oh, gadgets like the Kindle are very exciting and convenient but without technology to back them up, they're pretty much useless. So what happens if the technology isn't there or isn't widely available? Not to mention (from a thrifty point of view), I don't always want to buy every book I read. It would be wonderful if someone could perhaps find a way to make things like Kindle work with our existing library systems and it looks like there are some attempts to get Kindle and public libraries together. Instead, it just feels like one more technological advance that may render libraries obsolete. So while folks are giddy about their Kindles, I just can't quite work up the same excitement even though I'm blown away by how the I-pod revolutionized the way I listen to music. I don't know . . . maybe as time goes on I'll be able to jump on the bandwagon. But for now, I'm going to go put some things on hold at the library.

WW Update

I weighed in today and did not lose weight last week. This is after experiencing a dramatic loss (over 10 pounds) the first three weeks. I've been very strict and this week used only about 10 of my allotted 35 weekly points. I have some things I'm going to try: 1) use no weekly points at all (this week) and then 2) use all my weekly points and then 3) use half my weekly points and see where that lands me at the end of each week in terms of weight loss.

I realize that I exercise a lot--each and every day and may actually require more calories. As everyone losing weight should realize, not getting enough calories actually hinders weight loss.

Anyway, I'm loving the program and realizing so many things about how I was eating and about myself. I'll be very happy to get to my goal weight but I'm enjoying the journey to getting there.

Where I'm Going with my Hair

I figure winter is a good time to let my hair grow out. I need the extra warmth. Nothing is more chilly than a fresh cut in winter!

A while back, I learned about Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding, a hair creme that defines curls (without chemicals). I checked out the price too and let's just say, it's way out of my league at $3.50 per ounce. Then, while on Nappturality, I stumbled upon a homemade recipe for a curly pudding. I thought I had saved it somewhere but alas, this morning when I searched for it on my hard-drive, nothing came up. I did a Google search and eventually landed at the site I linked above (and made sure to *really* save the recipe this time). The recipe seems simple enough and I can easily obtain all the ingredients at my local beauty store.

I'm hoping that by the end of winter, I will have enough growth to use it and see what it looks like.