Backing in versus pulling in

I was reading in last month's AAA magazine that a larger percentage of people [in NY] are backing in to parking spaces instead of pulling in to them.  I'm one of those people who, if I can, prefers to back in to a parking space.  Why?  Well firstly, I have children.  And children are short people.  If a short person were behind my car as I started to back out of a spot, I would not be able to see him or her.  Also, I have to drive by the spot in order to back in to it.  Therefore, I can be reasonably sure there are no people, shopping carts or other random stuff in the spot.  Secondly, I drive a car and not an SUV or other kind of high-sitting car.  If I am flanked on either side by a huge vehicle like a mini-van or SUV, if I have parked head-first, guaranteed I'll be pulling out of my spot completely blind. 

It takes more time, effort and skill to back in to a parking space (which I figure is good mental exercise and hand-eye coordination practice) but I really like how quickly I can pull out of the space.  Even though I don't talk about emergency prep stuff as much on this blog, it's still important to me.  I keep my gas tank half full and back in to parking spaces.  Which brings me to my third reason: should anything pop off, I'm out.  Fast.

Cool article on this topic.   And, who knew folks debated this stuff?  

I have one more reason:  I just like to be difficult different.  :b

When I moved into my current house (the house my husband grew up in until he was about 5 and then moved back into when he was 21).  I inherited a magnificent Magic Chef oven very similar to this one:

It was manufactured in 1958.  This stove was serious.  It was heavy.  The burners were pure cast iron--heavy.  It wouldn't light without matches (or some other kind of lighter).   It was seriously dusty in some areas like the broiler and the little side storage unit (that still had some of the hubby's grandmother's stuff in there).  The clock on the top didn't work.  The oven door was a trick door and wouldn't close all the way.  But I loved that stove.  A lot.  It was old school.  Strong.  And still working (somewhat) all these years later with minimal upkeep.  

The hubby found a used appliance place a few months ago and the place has economically furnished us with lots of reliable appliances to replace the ones we've had for years that have been partially working.  We got a Hotpoint stove very similar to this one:

It's not new new but it's new to me.  So far I'm pleased with it.  Maybe because after my Magic Chef, I didn't have anywhere to go but up.  I still pull out my lighter every time I want to cook.  And I need to look at the diagrams on the stove to know which burner knob belongs to each burner.  But I'm getting used to it.  

I find it so interesting the differences in how a 1950s stove and 1990s stove were produced.  The burners are so much lighter than my Magic Chef!  Still, I really like this new stove and I can't wait to use the broiler.

My kitchen feels so new.  The hubby replaced the floor tiles (peel and stick tiles have come some far) and a "new" kitchen table courtesy of the thrifts store.  I spend so much time in the kitchen.  It's nice to look around and see some beauty.  

On another note, I have been moving slowly to a paleo diet.  I read Mark's Daily Apple and I have read The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf and this way of life/eating really seems to work for many and I suspect it will work for me.  Currently, I don't eat any beans, legumes, rice or wheat.  I still eat millet and oats though and every so often I indulge in Trader Joe's Gluten-free Ginger Snaps, Trader Joe's Salsa Chips and I love, love, love popcorn and really enjoy my plain Greek yogurt (with a touch of honey, strawberries, blueberries and a tablespoon of the hubby's Hemp Plus granola).  Still, having eliminated the things I have eliminated, I feel really good--better than I have felt in years.  And it shows with my skin which had turned dull and dry but is not supple and moisturized.  But Z2 has been really suffering with stomach  issues and it's making me think that he needs a change in diet too.  He loves breads and stuff but is not really into beans/legumes anyway.  So I bought the book Everyday Paleo by Sarah Fragoso and I'm really impressed.  I can't wait to try out some of the recipes.  It's going to be difficult doing paleo.  The hubby is a strict vegetarian and Z1 really doesn't like the idea of eating animals.  But if I can get Z2 and I to at least 85% paleo, I will be happy.  I just want to see what difference it can make for us.

It needs to be fun for all of us!

Where I live, folks really seem to feel very positively about children's museums.  I can't seem to find the love for them.  I can see how they come in handy during the cold winter months but as soon as the weather improves, I see them as pretty much pointless.  But it feels like heresy to say it--to point out that children's museums are really nothing more than glorified play spaces.  And yes, children do learn by playing and I get that this is the premise of children's museums.  But still . . . 

Now, some children's museums are better than others.  I've visited three so far: the Manhattan Children's Museum, the Brooklyn Children's Museum and Stepping Stones in Connecticut.  I find Stepping Stones to be the best and that is really for one reason alone: the resource room.  It's a room filled with all kinds of interesting puzzles, a variety of building toys, and books galore.  Kids can borrow an Ipad for 15 minutes at a time. It's just a cozy, cool out kind of place.  

Stepping Stones Children's Museum

Z1 is almost 6 years old and is rapidly outgrowing the whole children's museum thing.  When he goes to Stepping Stones, he spends a lot of time playing in the water area and the media room (where there's a projection-on-the-floor game) then mostly bypasses all the other areas.  Z2 really likes the water area and gets himself completely soaked.  I spend a great deal of time keeping him from actually getting in the water.  He is my more "active" son and really just wants to run around so when he's done with the water, that's what he does.  Every once in a while, some other activity grabs his attention but mainly, he wants to run around.  And go back to play in the water.  Which, in the summer, we can do better and for free at a playground. 

It takes us about 40 minutes to get to Stepping Stones.  Last time we went, we ended up in 2 hours of traffic on the way home.  I hate to drive. And I hate driving in traffic even more.  But I would suck it up, I would, traffic and all, if I could at least say that I personally derive some enjoyment from going to the children's museum.  The kids like it well enough but I have a hard time getting up enthusiasm to drive to the children's museum when we could just hang out a playground or go on a hike or go to a real museum.  It is just not an intellectually stimulating place for me.  And after you do it once or twice, it actually ends up being disappointing and straight up boring.  Last time I went, I wished I had brought my knitting or a magazine or something.  I kept chiding myself for not getting up and playing with Z1 and Z2 . . . that maybe if I started playing with stuff I'd start finding it fun.  The first time I went, I did find it to be fun--especially the water room.  But the next time, it was ridiculously crowded--we could hardly move without tripping over people (and I don't like crowds at all) and I was totally over it.  I just wanted to sit there and do something fun for me since they were having fun.  

I think what is really annoying to me is the fact that it's called a children's museum.  When I think museum, I think excellent exhibits put together to make you think or to grow your awareness and increase your knowledge.  I can't say for certain what my kids learn at the children's museum.  I can't say that the activities necessarily drive home or really demonstrate the information on the placards.  In the water room, the placards talk about generating power with water but I don't think the exhibit does a good job of showing how--of connecting the pieces.  I guess it's just too basic--I didn't leave with a good sense of how water = power and this is the second time I've seen the exhibit.  I think a more appropriate name for children's museums might be "learning play spaces".  

I love going to science museums (especially Liberty Science Center) and I also enjoy museums such as The Transit Museum.  At a museum like The Transit Museum, there will be some information that is over my kids' heads.  But guess what?  I learn something.  I am stimulated.  I grow.  The Transit Museum is perhaps the most perfect example of a museum that caters to both adults and children--there are plenty of things to touch and play with yet there's plenty of wonderful, historical information.  It is a trip for all of us and not just for the kids and, to be honest, if I am going to put in that amount of effort to go to a museum, I just feel happier to do it if we can all get something out of it.    I want us all to have fun.  It's simply not enough for me to watch them having fun.  

One of my good-hearted friends bought us a membership to Stepping Stones after the first time we visited and I feel rather badlythat I don't love the place more.  I ended up upgrading the membership so we could get reciprocal free admission to the Hall of Science (because that's a museum to which I really like to go).  But I'll make good use of the membership to Stepping Stones--and go on days when someone else can help with the driving.  I can see it coming in useful on rainy days when school is back in session and most kids are in school all day--there won't be as many crowds.  But on a beautiful, warm sunny day, I don't see myself ever choosing the children's museum over the pool or a challenging trail.  

No, I'm not one of those mothers who ignores her own need for fun for the sake of her children having a good time.  Maybe the folks who rave about the children's museum genuinely enjoy it.  I don't.  And 98% of the time, we will need to come up with an activity that we all can enjoy.  Which is why I went out and bought 2 hula hoops.  I might not really like to (or understand how to) play this Pokemon game Z1 got a yard sale the other day but I like to hula hoop and I am happy to do that together with them.  

Interplay

I rarely purchase books without previewing them by borrowing them from the library first.  I went out on a limb, however, to purchase these two books that were not in my library system:  When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron and Daily Wisdom: 365 Buddhist Inspirations edited by Josh Bartok.  Chodron's book was recommended to me on a message board I'm on and I'm getting through it slowly.  It makes a lot of sense to me and I really like her writing style.  One thing I've started doing is meditating just as she describes.  I've said before that I like "daily" books, you know, books with something for each day of the year so that's why I purchased Daily Wisdom.  So far, I am quite pleased with it.  Yesterday's entry really spoke to me--enough that I will type the whole thing out:

With all this talk of non-self-existence and the illusory nature of phenomena we might conclude that ourselves, others, the world, and enlightenment are totally non-existent.  Such a conclusion is nihilistic and too extreme.  Phenomena do exist.  It is their apparently concrete and independent manner of existence that is mistaken and must be rejected.  

Take the example of a rainbow.  Does it exist or not? Of course it does, but how?  As something arising from the interplay of droplets of water in the sky, sunlight, and our own point of observation.  A rainbow, then, is an interdependent phenomenon and if we investigate, we can discover its various causes and conditions. 

In a similar way, all existent phenomena are mere appearances to the mind, lacking concrete self-existence, they come into being from the interplay of various causes and conditions.  This is true of ourselves as well.  We and all other phenomena without exception are empty of even the smallest atom of self-existence, and it is this emptiness that is the ultimate nature of everything that exists.

LAMA THUBTEN YESHE, INTRODUCTION TO TANTRA

I've read that passage over a number of times and I still need more time to make sense of it completely.  But what I drew from it is the word "interplay".  I've heard this concept expressed in many different ways but something about the use of the word interplay really resonated deeply with me.  It speaks to the sci-fi lover in me, in a way . . . something only "exists" to the extent that other things "exist".  That's a powerful thought. 

FO: Water Bottle Cozy

So admittedly, I haven't been knitting and crocheting much lately.  But I did manage to finish this water bottle cozy for my 40 ounce Kleen Kanteen water bottle:

Specs:
Yarn used: LionBrand Microspun 100% microfiber yarn (about half the skein)--I haven't been able to find a good project for this yarn until now.  I needed something that would be super absorbent and easy to care for and microfiber fit the bill.  I love the royal purple color (it won't show dirt easily).
Hook: F
Stitch: single crochet with a few embellishments.

It took me about 5 days to complete it which is really ridiculous but it got done and I can't wait to put it to good use.

Book Review: Dreaming in Chinese by Deborah Fallows

I found Dreaming in Chinese: Mandarin Lessons in Life and Love by Deborah Fallows to be quite an interesting read. Fallows is a linguist who derived some wonderful lessons during the process of learning Chinese.  Now, these lessons are not overly deep or profound. I guess I wouldn't really call them lessons but rather observations.  Nonetheless, the book was an easy and enjoyable read and it served as a great opportunity to learn a little bit about the Chinese language and culture. I found Fallows' writing to be very fluid and comfortable.  It was quite accessible and very funny at times.  Every time I sat down to read it, I was able to read through one chapter--they were short and to-the-point. That helped me to get through the book and really engage with it.  

As for the Chinese language, let's just say that it's a language I hope I never have to learn. Fallows really helped me appreciate how complex it is but I also found it to be very beautiful. She talks about a poem called Lion Eating Poet in the Stone Den that uses the same word to tell a whole story. The only difference is tones. She points out how difficult it is for Westerners to even hear the tones and I've found that to be true.  Igbo is also a very tonal language and it's funny sometimes when I say a word and the hubby repeats it and I say it's not the same word and he gives me a confused look.  But I don't think Igbo is anywhere near as tonal as Chinese so I think it would be challenging for anyone to learn.

Linguistics is a fascinating field and I'm always intrigued by how much language is a window into the life and culture of a people.

A short, interesting interview with the author.

Martial Arts

It seems like martial arts have become just one more activity on the long list of activities the well-rounded American kid should do.  But I've always felt a bit hesitant about signing Z1 up for martial arts classes.  Karate is offered at our local Y and so many parents I talk to have their kids taking some form of martial arts. At a birthday party I went to a few weeks ago, two parents were debating discussing the merits the superiority of the particular form of martial arts her child was learning (one was learn jujutsu and the other tae kwon do).  As I sat there listening to the conversation, I felt rather uneasy and frankly, I wondered how much the parents actually knew about that particular form of martial arts.  How much did they actually know about martial arts in general?  The history.  The purpose.  The discipline.  

Much like yoga in the West, martial arts has changed significantly and a lot of the timesfeels hollow and naked  to me.  Stripped of something somehow.  I saw this video on The World of Ensayn Reality and Mr. Roberto Sharpe really got to the heart of why I feel hesitation about just signing Z1 up for some martial arts classes:

  

I feel equally uneasy about just going to yoga classes.  Yoga, to me, is spiritual.  The martial arts, to me, when practiced in their truest form is spiritual too.  It's not just exercise or something to put on a resume.  It takes time.  Lots and lots of time, patience and learning to reach the heights of the practice (consciousness).  (And the heights of the practice don't necessarily involve a trophy or a certificate.)  And so, if you seriously want to delve deeply into it, you (preferably) need a master.  You need to be committed.  Patient.  Open.

Now maybe that's just taking something that could simply be a fun activity (that as a perk teaches kids some discipline) and making it more complex than it needs to be.  Maybe it's just not that deep.  But to me, it really seems like something I need to think on and meditate on before we just do it.  Z1 is taking piano classes and will soon start swimming classes.  These disciplines also require commitment, discipline and time so I don't feel like Z1 is not acquiring these important traits.  I feel like I have the time, if he expresses interest, to find him a true martial arts teacher.  And that is what I would like to do.  

Review of Two Workout DVDs: Cathe Friedrich HiiT and Shiva Rea Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow

Over the past few months, I have acquired a few more workout DVDs even though I am spending a lot of time in the gym doing the New Rules of Lifting for Women.  (I'm just about finished Stage 5, by the way, and I'm still highly, highly recommending this program.)  The new titles I have acquired in the cardio genre are Amy Bento Advanced Step Challenge, Michelle Dozois Peak 10 Cardio Interval, Cathe Friedrich HiiT.   The new yoga DVDs I have are Shiva Rea Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow Yoga and Power Flow Yoga,  Element AM & PM Yoga, Yoga Zone Flexibility and Stress Release, Rodney Yee Ultimate Power Yoga and Yoga: Spirit of Vinyasa Flow by Deb Dobbin.  Eventually, I'd like to review all of those titles but today I thought I'd review two: Cathe Friedrich HiiT and Shiva Rea Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow.  

Cathe Friedrich HiiT consists of three different workouts, each at a very reasonable 30 minutes (approximately).  HiiT is high intensity interval training and it's one of the best way to stay in good cardiovascular shape without sacrificing your hard-earned muscle.  This DVD is tough.  But a whole lot of fun.  Ms. Friedrich is one of my favorite workout DVD personalities.  Her cuing is perfectly on point and the routines she has put together are challenging but not complex.  What you get is an excellent workout (that includes a great warm up and cool down in a short amount of time).  When you're done, you'll know that you worked out.  

I've also been eyeing Ms. Friedrich's Intensity because I really like these DVDs where you can customize how much time you spend on cardio. I really don't need to be doing cardio for an hour these days so I'd rather do a DVD that gives me a choice.  (And, I don't know, it bothers me to cut a DVD short.)

Shiva Rea's Daily Energy Vinyasa Flow Yoga is really a gem.  I borrowed it from the library twice before I decided I needed to buy it.  There are seven 20-minute practices on this DVD from which you can choose.  There are some pre-set practices or you can make up your own.  If you add the 5 minute warm-up/meditation and then the 5-minute cool-down/savasana, to one of the 20-minute practices, you have a solid 30-minute yoga practice that is energizing but also very relaxing.  Each 20 minute routine is very different from the others.  Some require more energy (Fire) and include lots of push-ups and strength building moves.  Others are more sedate and relaxing (Shanti) which is wonderful for doing after a run because it targets many of the areas that get really tight from running such as the hamstrings and especially the hips.  Shiva Rea's style is always calming and I love how meditative doing yoga with her can be.  I find myself constantly drawn back when my mind starts to wander.  I find my energy to be significantly calmed after doing one of the practices.  

I'm really working hard right now going to the gym three times a week and fitting in short cardio sessions and yoga practices around that.  I'm not going to any yoga classes in part to save money but also because the times for the classes are not all that convenient for me.  (There was a 6 o'clock class on Thursday mornings I was going to for a while but the teacher's style just didn't work for me.)  So yoga DVDs are really the way to go and I have a couple more on the list that I'd like to get soon.  

It's the End!!

So Shay over at BGIM reminded me that today is the day before the last day.  I am cracking up just typing that.  

I've seen the billboards while driving but I really just didn't care enough to investigate who was behind them.  Why?

This Harold Camping guy put me through a lot of shit already back in 1994.  I was getting ready to enter the 7th grade and this dude had me straight convinced that the world was most definitely coming to an end.  I'd listen to his call in show every night on Family Radio (one of the few radio stations that my parents sanctioned) before bed and hear this crazy nut case rant and rave about how according to his calculations, the world was coming to an end in September.  Right before the new school year started. 

Oh, to be sure, I was on my p's and q's.  I was praying.  Reading my Bible.  Fasting.  Getting right with the Lord.  Doing anything and everything I could to make sure that when Christ returned and the roll was called up yonder, I would be there.  I was worried, ya'll.  Stressed because despite knowing (or hoping with all my heart) that I was saved, I wasn't completely sure and what about everyone else?

My mom tried to reassure me.  Telling me that Christ would come back as a thief in the night and that no one knoweth the time nor the hour but boy, that Camping sure was convincing.  And I was impressionable.  

Look, man, I don't know why this dude is still on the air and why after the first prediction did not come true, they'd give this guy the platform to make another wrong prediction?  Who really cares if the world is ending tomorrow?  What can you do about that?  Who knows if the world will end at all?  They say all things come to an end but they also say that God has always existed and will always exist.  I mean, the whole thing is just so outside of our cognitive reach as human beings, does it really make sense to contemplate it?  

I certainly have better things to do with my last 24 hours.  

One thing I really loved when I was trodding RastafarI and I really like about Buddhism is the concept that judgment is not some impending thing.  Your judgment is already taking place the very moment you commit an act.  So I'm not worried in the least bit.  Let the cards fall where they may.   And I hope that on May 22, 2011, they finally kick this dude off the air.  Stop polluting our airwaves and giving people agita.  

Comparing my Travel Mugs

So, yes, this is another post about hot beverages.  What can I say?  I like to drink hot things.  Even in summer.  An avowed tea lover must travel with her tea and so in this post, I wanted to talk about one of my favorite things:  travel mugs.  I have two insulated travel mugs which I love dearly.  Each of them has qualities that I really like. 

The first travel mug I ever purchased was the Contigo 16-Ounce Double Wall Stainless Steel Vacuum Insulated Tumbler.  (I have the green one, green being my favorite color.)  The best thing about this mug is that you absolutely cannot spill it (it doesn't leak at all) and having two young children, this is a seriously good thing.  It keeps tea warm for about 2 hours although it claims to keep hot drinks hot for four hours and cold beverages cold for 12 (but granted I have never tried a cold drink in it). Two hours is not bad but it's not great either.  Really, the only problem with this mug is that it's terribly difficult to clean the lid.  It's one solid piece so no matter what I do, it won't get totally clean.  The best I can do for it it so soak it in warm, soapy water.  I avoid putting coffee or other strongly flavored hot beverages (like the instant ginger tea I sometimes have) in it because I can't get rid of the taste.  

Now, just to show you how serious I am about my hot tea . . . 

One Saturday, I left my Contigo mug at work.  Not being able to imagine going a whole week without my mug, I went back to my workplace on Sunday to try to retrieve it.  Now, if you know me, you know I hate to drive but I was willing to make the trip for my mug.  As luck would have it, the building I work in was locked and I couldn't get in so there I was.  Stuck.  With no mug.  I decided to head over to Target and see if I could get something comparable.  I would have been happy with another Contigo but I was open because I was not completely satisfied with it.  

So I went to to Target and headed over to that section.  They had lots of options but I wasn't really familiar with the other brands (or they were lined with plastic which is a total no-go for something that will be used exclusively to hold hot beverages).  I ended up picking the Thermos Sipp 16-Ounce Stainless Steel Travel Tumbler.  I expected to pay about $25 for it but when the cashier scanned it, it rang up as being $12.  Far be it from me to argue.  I skipped out of there with my new mug thinking I couldn't go wrong with a $12 Thermos brand mug.  And I was right!  Heck, I would happily have paid full price for it.  It keeps my tea hot--really hot--for hours and hours and hours.  Even if I leave some hot tea in it overnight, it will still have some warmth to it in the morning.  I love the way the thing looks and since you can take apart the lid completely, it's very easy to clean.  When it's properly closed, it does not spill or leak--not even a little bit.  And that's perhaps the only drawback: you can spill it and I have a few times.  To drink, you have to depress a button at the top.   There have been times I've forgotten to press the button to close it again and the way the button is, it's difficult to tell sometimes if the top is open or closed.  Also, there are two slits on either side that you can drink from so you have to actually look at the top to make sure you're putting your mouth on the right place or else you can spill it on yourself.  Oh, and then there was that time I forgot to put the lid back together before screwing it onto the top of the mug and hot tea spilled all over the contents of my bag but that's hardly Thermos' fault.  So all-in-all, I have to be a bit more mindful when using the Thermos mug but I think I prefer it to the Contigo just because it works so well at keeping tea hot.  This helps me tremendously because I really like hot tea.  It makes me have to slow down and savor the drink which means that I am less likely to drink more tea which is good because I like to put a teaspoon of sugar and a teaspoon of French vanilla coconut milk creamer in every 16 ounce cup of tea I drink and that adds up in terms of Weight Watchers points.  Also, drinking tea keeps me from mindlessly eating.

So yes, in the contest between the travel mugs I currently own, Thermos wins but I recommend both of them.  

On another note, yesterday at the thrift store, I found a French press.  Now, before my coffee maker's decanter broke, I would not have had the faintest idea of what a French press does but since I had to do research on appliance-free ways to make tea, I discovered it.  It's the Shin Bistro by Bodum and I bought it for $4.99.  This morning I used it for the first time and we had the best tasting coffee ever!  I'm sold!  :)

Yay for hot beverages!!

Book Review: The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan

I wasn't sure if I should read The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan after just finishing The Road.  I thought it might be too much sorrow and suffering but surprisingly, it was the perfect book.  I mean, I really enjoyed reading it.  It was uplifting and so full of . . . love.  My spirit felt buoyed after reading it.

Ms. Corrigan was diagnosed with breast cancer and this book chronicles her journey.  But honestly, the cancer was a backdrop to the wonderful story of her life:  a life where family (both the family you're born into or create and the one you build made up of friends) is pivotal and is, at the end of the day, all that really matters.

I don't have much to say about The Middle Place except that it was such an enjoyable read.  I thought at times that Ms. Corrigan didn't take the cancer seriously enough but I know that's not true having read her other book Lift.  I thought, in a weird, twisted way, that she was fortunate that her father (and you can feel the love and devotion she has for him) had cancer while she had cancer because it forced her to not be hyper-focused on her own suffering.  I think that made all the difference in the energy that permeates her story.

I mean, the book touched me.  I think Ms. Corrigan is an engaging person--someone I'd like to be friends with.  She's had an interesting life and so much of how she approached the whole thing is how I would have approached it.  She's not particularly faith-filled (though she was raised by two people with unshakeable faith in God like me) and yet, she made it through something as harrowing as cancer.  Also, in that time before she knew it was cancer, she had the horrible thought that maybe she wanted to have cancer just to see how she'd perform.  Now, my life has had some bumps and bruised but I've never been tested to that extent.  It's kind of a sick admission . . . I was relieved to see that that I'm not the only one who has ever thought those kind of thoughts.  And then there's the children issue:  how she knew all her life that she wanted to have lots and lots of children and how she was faced with the possibility that it might not happen.   And how irritating it can be when people say, "You should just be grateful for your two" because it's not that you're not grateful for what you have.  It's not that at all.  It's that you're so grateful for the experience of meeting these wonderful small people--flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood--you want to meet as many of them as you can.  

So, yes, I identified strongly with Ms. Corrigan and I'm so happy to have read her book at this point in my life.  I've had it for a while (picked it up at the thrift store some time ago).  It was nice to read a book without feeling the pressure of a due date.  And I need all the low-pressure uplift I can get.

The Demise of the DS

I have a secret. Well, it kind of feels like a secret. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, Z1's Nintendo DS, the one we bought just 3 months ago, got really wet. He accidently left his water bottle open in his bag and the water spilled all over it. We tried to dry it out and even replaced the battery but it won't power on. The DS is over. I had mixed feelings about getting the DS in the first place so I was also feeling ambivalent about it's destruction. Maybe “good riddens” but also “what a waste of money!”

What surprised me most about the whole situation was that Z1 was totally nonplussed. When he first got the DS, all he wanted to do was play it. I was placing all kinds of time limits and working out all kinds of deals with him about how and when he played it. But true to his dabbler nature, he moved on after a while finding intense pleasure in dot-to-dot puzzles (which he has since abandoned).

On the one hand, I was happy that he wasn't broken up about the destroyed DS but on the other, I was annoyed that he couldn't care less that it was ruined. I blamed it on the fact that it's his nature but my good friend pointed out to me that the DS is a very social kind of video game system. It's made to play with others. I mean, that's what I've noticed these days about video games: it's not one guy holed up in a room with his games. It's a community of gamers. I used to hear my nephew talking to my other nephew, who lives all the way on the other side of the country, strategizing about a certain video game they were playing.

So once again, I found myself really having to take a look at our homeschooling and assessing it. The one thing that lacks is a community. A real homeschooling community that we can count on for support and that we belong to.

Now homeschoolers are quick to point out that there are plenty of opportunities for real socialization for a homeschooled child. If you understand what socialization is, you realize that traditional schools do not really offer children opportunities to really socialize. The interaction is forced (based on age) and controlled (based on the need to teach and/or manage large groups of people at one time) but at least, at the very least, it's interaction. So while I started to think that the solution to our lack of community might be school, I know it's most likely not. But then what is? I don't know.

My secret is that I don't have the unflagging confidence that other homeschoolers have, that Z1 is socializing enough and getting all he needs in that respect.  (Even writing that feels like I'm breaking with the ranks).)  I don't think Z1 gets enough consistent time with other children. He's fast outgrowing story times and most of his friends are in school all day. With one income, we cannot afford to do 32,000 different classes in hopes of forging connections or interacting, either. There are tons (and I mean tons) of things to sign kids up for in the city. Some are geared towards homeschoolers (homeschooling "schools) an learning centers and some are just general but we have to come out of pocket. And for me, living right outside of the city, I have to consider the cost of getting into the city (both economically and physically). We've joined the YMCA, which is great because he gets to do all kinds of things with different teachers and the cost is low. Often, however, the other children know each other from school or (this is really the one that makes it difficult) the groups/classes are never consistent. What that means is that he might do Pike 1 Swimming with one group of kids and do Pike 2 Swimming with a totally different set. He doesn't get to know the kids and I don't get to know the parents. We go, take the class, mind our own business and go home. There is little to no connection. At least if we were a traditionally schooling family, we'd have that connection. The fact that we all belong to the same school community connects us. No matter what homeschoolers say, school is a community, forced or not.

Don't get me wrong: I have tried and am trying doggedly to make strong connections with other homeschoolers, build a community based on homeschooling. If folks can build even a temporary community based on traditional schooling, certainly I can find or build a community based on non-traditional schooling. But honestly, everyone seems too busy. If it's not forced, it seems like it won't happen because given the option, folks will opt out of making real connections. And I have to be honest: my pride gets in the way. I push and really try to have playdates and get-togethers. If one suggestion doesn't work, I'll try another. But I hate to feel like I'm begging folks to hang out, pleading with folks to build community with me, imploring folks to see the importance of it all. I start to wonder what is it that everyone else is so busy doing that I'm not. Why do I feel such a void and others don't? Doesn't this lack of community and connection bother anyone else? What's wrong with me?

Let me be honest again and say that I had felt this way for a long time in my own personal life. A real inability to form close connections that stick. I had decided that I would stop trying and the closest thing I had to a girlfriend (you know what I mean by this—a real soul sister) was my blood sister. Only recently has this started to change and so it gives me hope that it will change for homeschooling too if I just keep going and accept the situation as it is right now knowing it won't always be this way. I mean, I'm really holding on here. It seems like I'm making headway, meeting homeschooling folks, getting somewhere, and just as I start to get excited about it, something happens (kids get enrolled in school, folks move away or just stop communicating) and I'm back at square one.

A part of me knows that this struggle to really connect is something that society at large is dealing with especially with all the social media available now. People are just too busy to meet and visit. Even a phone call seems to be too much for people to muster. I get that I have made the conscious decision to live counter to our prevailing culture and any time you do that, you find yourself isolated until you find folks who've made similar decision. And I know they exist—just not where I live. I know that this would probably not even have been an issue if we lived in another place. But we are not in a position to move (and how do you figure out something like "is there a real, cohesive group of  homeschoolers here"  before you move anyway) and so I'm just focused on attracting like-minded folks to me.

Well, it seems that perhaps if Z1 had some friends to play DS with, he might have been more upset about it's demise. Before we bought the DS, I didn't even know how I'd feel about him and a bunch of his friends sitting around playing DS instead of running and jumping and playing physically. But what I have learned from the DS experience is that eventually, I can trust that Z1 will go do something else. I actually know that most kids, given ample space and time, will only use the DS as one way to spend their time.

The DS has also reminded me about this darn socialization issue. When I tell others that I'm homeschooling and they respond that they couldn't “do that” to their kid because their kid is too social, I don't even know what to say. I just nod and say, “It's not for everyone”. I'd like to put on a brave face and stand in defense of homeschooling, bold and emphatic like other homeschoolers (many homeschooling bloggers and message board posters) but yeah, it gets isolating and it's one damned good reason to think long and hard before anyone decides for or against it. You've got to do your research and figure out what you can deal with and what you cannot. Because to say that it gets really intense around here sometimes is an understatement because Z1 relies on me to play with and do things with him a lot. We get a lot of face time. And sometimes, just because I'm a human being, I want to be left alone and I wish he'd go find someone else to play with. But there's isn't any one.

Anyway, I'm looking to sell all the accessories we bought for the Nintendo DS Lite so if you need a case for yours, chargers, extra battery, etc., etc., I have it for you. ;)

Does how you keep your house really reflect your self-esteem?

Photo Credit

I think I was reading Shay's blog (BlackGirlinMaine--really well-done blog by the way) and she mentioned the book Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy.  I don't know but I'm always looking for "daily books", you know, books with an entry for every day of the year.  Maybe it's a holdover from the days when my family used to do morning devotions with Our Daily Bread (and later I did it on my own with Campus Journal which no longer seems to be in print.)  Anyway, I really enjoy Simple Abundance and I want to purchase it (right now it's on loan from the library).  The entries are not necessarily deep or heavy (especially compared to the books on Buddhism and meditation that currently sit on my altar) but they are thought-provoking and (perhaps this is why the book appeals to me so much) down-to-earth.  Practical.  Little reminders to find the joy and pleasure in life.  To get back to your authentic self.  And revel in it.

Today's entry focused on housekeeping, i.e. how we keep our home:

How we care for our home is a subtle but significant expression of self-esteem.

When I read this, I kind of balked and/or smirked and thought that how we care for our home is more so an expression of how much energy/time we have.  I got on the defensive--even though I keep a pretty clean and orderly house.  When most people visit, they say they feel comfortable and at home.  Now, my house would never make it into any home decorating magazines.  None of our furniture matches and many of our pieces and decorations we have because someone handed it down to us or we bought what we could afford (usually second-hand).  But I try very hard to keep the house tidy.  I have a housekeeping schedule that I try to stick to and while the windows could certainly use a good cleaning, I am meticulous about keeping the bathroom and kitchen especially very clean.  I never go to sleep with dishes in the sink and I sweep the floor every evening.  

Does this show that I esteem myself highly?  I am 100% sure that failing to do these things definitely does not make me feel good about myself.  But is that a good thing?  Some days, I am so tired and stressed that I really do need to let it go.  Instead, I feel just terrible about myself for not doing them.  Like I am not complete if I have not done the chores I set out to do that day.  And I drag myself to do them.  Where's the self-compassion?  Where's the self-love in that?

I also realize that my penchant for a neat and organized house comes from the fact that I grew up in a house that was the opposite.  Things were always scattered everywhere.  It was always cluttered.  And my mom, who suffers from severe asthma, had a very difficult time keeping it clean.  So my drive to keep my home this way comes from a serious psychological need to distance myself from that chaos and establish for myself a surrounding that I can enjoy being in.

So I don't know . . . what do you think?  Is your housekeeping a reflection of your self-esteem?  Or is it just what it is? 

Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

I wasn't sure when I'd get this book from the library. I was probably number 386 on a list of 400 library patrons who'd put this book on hold.  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is the much talked about memoir by Amy Chua in which she chronicles how she raised her daughters according to the "Chinese model" which is the opposite of the deeply flawed Western model.  

I think the most interesting thing about this book is that Chua was born and raised in the U.S.A.  From the outset that means that she doesn't have firsthand knowledge of what the Chinese model is.  Nor does she have intimate experience with what it yields or where it comes from.  She does have some evidence, at least, in the person of her father and her youngest daughter that the Chinese model which she holds as the pinnacle of good parenting, didn't and doesn't always work.  Yet, she nobly forges ahead to demonstrate how Chinese parenting is superior to Western parenting.

Chua is careful to note that Chinese parenting is really just the type of parenting that is extremely hands on and controlling--authoritarian.  Children do what their parents say and that's the end of that.  Parents set the goal and children achieve them.  There's no negotiation.  No choice.  And, apparently, no fun.  Chua, it seems, systematically thwarts her children's chances at having a fun childhood inserting piano and violin practices during vacation and long into the night.  For her, fun seems to be a luxury her children can't afford and don't deserve.  

It was almost painful to read some parts of this book.  I think the most heart-breaking scene for me is when Chua is chiding her elder daughter Sophia about some rice that the dogs got a hold of and scattered all over.  Sophia, who usually quietly and calmly puts up with her mother's controlling and over-driven personality blows up (finally) and tells her mother not to take her anger over her little sister Lulu's rebellion on her.  Why?  Because being 13 is tough.  Sophia says she knows this firsthand.  Chua has no clue whatsoever that her daughter found being 13 tough and at this point, the girl is 16.  I mean . . . it really struck a serious chord with me and sent a pang of pain through my body.  So focused on the goal, the dream, the vision that you ignore the persons who are sacrificing to make your vision reality.  I know about that.

At the same time, I get it.  The stereotypical Western parent is lax and does let their kids do whatever they want to do and quit when they get ready.  They don't push their children enough and they let their children run the show.  But I think that the pendulum shouldn't swing too far in either direction:  it shouldn't be control and manipulation and threats to get the desired behavior.  Just as it shouldn't be giving in all the time and having no defined limits for kids to get the desired behavior.  Each of these scenarios sends children mixed messages about if they are loved because the love that's bestowed is conditional upon the behavior.  And as Chua showed in her book, the Chinese model doesn't always work although, depending on personality, it can (potentially--Chua's daughters are not yet grown at the time the book was published).

I will say I admire Chua's gangster though.  I can't think of anything I want my kids to do so badly that I would drive 2 hours to and fro every Sunday to practice or sit for 5-6 hours at a time to do. I mean, I have to give her her props.  She studied the music right along with her children and really put in a lot of effort and energy, physically and emotionally to force her kids to play the piano and violin not just well but excellently.  And I believe in excellence but I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay the price, namely a tense and cold family life where everyone is on eggshells.  Chua was.  It's all about priorities.

So the big question is did Chua raise daughters the way she did for their sake or for herself?  For a long time in the book, Chua had me convinced it was for the good of the girls but as the story progressed, I had to change my tune.  She kept manipulating and controlling even after she saw it was just no good for her second daughter.  Their success at piano and violin she felt was a direct reflection on how good of a mother she was.  Nowhere in there did she seem all that concerned about her daughters' well being.  Forget happiness for a moment.  What about health?  

Chua chalks it all up to being true to the Chinese model.  But the Chinese model exists because it is a different society.  A society where very few can make it--only the very best.  The only way parents can give their children a leg up in life is if they make them to be at the top no matter what.  A look at immigrant parents reveals that they were in a very risky and precarious situation where it was sink or swim.  So they had to work doggedly to make it.  Nobody was giving them a hand up.  The odds were stacked against them.  They simply translated that mind state and work ethic to raising their children.  It was necessary for survival and making it in a new land.  Chua has already made it here and admits to it. Her life is quite solidly middle class so it's not a survival issue here.  Had her daughters never been concert pianists or violinists, they still would have had an excellent chance of leading successful lives.  Plain and simple, it's an ego issue for Chua.  An ego trip (I have to point this out) that would not have even been possibly if Chua was not solidly upper middle class.  She was tossing out numbers for gowns and teachers and talking about family vacation and such . . . these are things that Chinese parents/newly immigrated parents would not be able to do.  They simply would hope that they would set it up so that if their grandchildren would like to, they could.  (But I understand Chua not wanting the grandchildren to jack up the upward progression with mediocrity and a lackadaisical attitude.) 

I get that children will want to give up when something gets challenging.  But, especially in raising Z1, I know that if I show a bit of disappointment when he is ready to give up, he will suck it up and try.  That is how important it is to him to please me.  And at 5 years old, it's very easy for me to manipulate this deep desire to get him to do things.  I mean, the things I want him to do I believe are for his own good but I don't know, I want to bring my children to do things not to please authority but for that things merit.  I think about trying to teach Z1 to count  money and how I kept hitting a wall.  A few months later, he got really interested because he wanted to start buying things.  Teaching money became really simple and he's really gotten the concept.  I know this probably won't apply to everything but I think it probably applies to the majority of things.  The problem is I am not patient enough to wait.  And I need to control these things too, so it can happen when I think it should not when it's the "right" time.

So I struggle with my own inner Tiger Mom.  Raising two Black boys in this world, I'm 100% sure I want them to excel academically and I definitely want them to master an instrument.  They don't have to become concert violinist or pianists but I want them to really excel at an instrument.  I know that part of that has to be talent but honestly, I believe you can make up for lack of talent with hard work.  And so I do push my kids to work hard.  I push them when they say they can't (and I know they can), I challenge them and I insist they can't give up.  I believe in them with my whole heart and so I push them. I do agree that it's challenging to know when to back off but I want to think that my common sense and my gut will tell me when I really need to let it go.   It's something I meditate on a lot.  I also realize that much of my drive and work-ethic is derived from my own parents Nigerian parenting which is similar in flavor and execution to Chinese parenting.  Mediocre never, ever cuts it.  

Anyway, I get the sense that Chua has  a lot of inner demons she's struggling with herself and so I can't be too critical. If children are your karma, or rather, a way to work out your karma, Chua did and is doing a hell of a job for better or worse.

Book Review: The Road by Cormac McCarthy

I just finished reading this book.  I first heard about it when Oprah had the author Cormac McCarthy on her show.  I'm always wary of books that Oprah recommends.  I have tried to read Oprah's book recommendations on a few occasions and have really wondered how it could be that we had read the same book.  This one is different though.  I really enjoyed it.  

The Road takes place in post-apocalyptic America.  Everything is burned down. There's ash everywhere. Nothing grows.  Pretty much all hope is lost. A father and his son try to make their way down South where the weather will be milder and where they might find a way to survive. The story basically chronicles their dangerous journey.  

I think what I liked most about the book is that the story is focused on the relationship between father and son in this desperate situation.  You can feel the strength of the love between the two of them despite the constant threat of death.  It's that love that keeps them going even though they are starving and cold.  

I was touched by the father's resourcefulness and bravery. Impressed by his will.  I was moved by the boy's innocence (despite seeing and experiencing a lot of horror) and how he has broken the world down into bad and good and how he struggles with having to cross the line into "bad" territory in order to preserve their lives.  

The book caused me to ponder human nature and what happens when it seems like all hope is lost.  What do human beings do when faced with the seeming necessity to devolve (in the name of survival)?  Turns out that some refuse to give in to their more base instincts of survival.  And some do so readily.  Turns out that it's not so different when times are dire than when times are good.  

Anyway, I really liked this book. It's not for those with a weak stomach:  there are a few disturbing scenes and references. The writing is choppy and punctuation is scant but I liked it.  It really lent to the overall mood of the book and the characters' states of mind.