Working with a Stability Ball

I've had Women's Health Total Workout in Ten (led by Amy Dixon, one of my favorites) for some time now but I had never tried the stability ball workout because I didn't have a stability ball.  Well, a few weeks ago, I picked one up for $10 (I hope it lasts). I bought it primarily because it's required for the New Rules of Lifting for Women, a program I really want to start soon if I could just focus and read the book.  Anyway, I finally got around to doing the core section in Total Workout in Ten.  Just a few minutes ago.  While the kids are awake, no less.  (They are currently playing with the stability ball and having a blast.  Please, kids, don't pop my stability ball!)

The routine is a quick 10-15 minute deal.  It's over before you know it.  But my core is really lighted up right.  It was a lot of fun yet challenging!  I'm looking into purchasing some more DVDs that utilize stability balls.  I've been rocking with Ab Ripper X for some months now and I'm getting a little tired of it (not that it's not still kicking my behind).  It'll be cool to add something just as challenging but different  

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Trying to find some good

I really dread winter.  I mean, I almost shed a tear when I realized that this Sunday starts daylight savings time.  So last year, when it started getting cold, I tried to find one good thing about winter.  And I did.  This year, I really had to think long and hard.  So here's what I came up with:  there will be a bit more light during the early mornings.  These past few weeks, it's pretty much been pitch black until 7 AM.  

I've really been thinking about safety while running and considering getting some more reflective gear.  But it should be lighter outside between 6 and 7 AM, the times when I am running so I might not need it.  Hopefully.  

That's all I could come up with.  What about you?  Or do you love winter? 

Update on my gluten testing

I just came back from the gastroenterologist and like I suspected, the tests showed nothing (except that my hematocrit is 11.8 which is ever so slightly anemic but I was menstruating when I took the test so I'm not that worried).  So the doctor wants to put me on antacids.  I am not really getting the connection but he claims that with IBS (which is what he thinks I have), sometimes too much acid in the stomach is what it is.  But I'm almost totally sure this has nothing to do with my stomach and much more to do with my intestines and I'm not trying to trade in one problem for the other nor am I willing to be on antacids indefinitely.  He could go in and do a biopsy but it's kind of involved so he doesn't want to go that route just yet.  He also said it could just be that the nerves along my digestive tract are just overly sensitive so that I perceive what's going on in there more intensely.  My bloated belly tells me, though, that this is not the case.  He also wants to send me for more blood testing (to check on what's causing the anemia). 

I don't know.  I find it hard to have confidence in doctors.  They seem to know about as much as I do about what's going on with me. 

So I don't think I'm going on the antacids or going back to the doctor.  I'm putting myself on a gluten-reduced diet (I figure if it didn't show up that I'm not allergic but sensitive). We'll see.  For the few weeks that I did eat gluten-free, I did not feel better.  Some sources say it may actually take up to a year to feel better so . . .

The next time I go grocery shopping, I'm going to buy the ingredients to make this gluten-free flour mixture.  One mom from a playgroup I recently joined shared it with me and while she's new to gluten-free living, she says she's been able to use this flour in place of unbleached white flour in all of the recipes she has tried so far.

Recipe for 12 cups of flour

5 c brown rice flour
3 c sorghum flour
2 2/3 c cornstarch (but i use arrowroot)
1 c potato starch (but i use tapioca starch/flour)
1/4 c + 4 t potato flour
1 T + 1 t xanthum gum

I think this recipe come from Artisanal Gluten-Free Cooking.  She also recommended Bake Deliciously as another great cookbook that teaches about substitutions and variations.

Voting

Yesterday was election day.  

I feel like I should be ashamed to say that I didn't go out to vote.  But I'm not.  

Every time a person (a Black person especially) says that they didn't vote, there's always these judgmental looks that follow.  Like, "Do you know what your ancestors went through to get the right to vote?" of "Do you know that in some places people are still losing their lives to vote?"  These questions give me pause until I realize that if I didn't have the right to vote, I'd be fighting for it too.  

But not because I think voting is so vastly important in terms of who will be in office.  Rather, I think, the right to vote symbolizes that an individual is a full-fledged citizen, equal to all other citizens.  Not a visitor.  Not an outsider.  But a real part and parcel piece of the puzzle that makes up the nation.  That's so incredibly important.  And so I would fight to protect voting rights because of what it symbolizes.  

Having the right doesn't mean that I need to be told how to use it, or if I should use it at all though.  I thought of the analogy of a wealthy heiress who has inherited 6 beautiful homes all around the world but hates to travel and loves the one home she lives in.  The houses belong to her.  It's her right to live in all of them, use some and not others, use them as hotels, sell them, or let them fall into utter neglect.  We all  have our opinions on what she should do but at the end of the day, the are rightfully hers and she's free to do whatever she wants with them.

I really resented having my mailbox filled to the brim over the last couple of days with pamphlets and fliers essentially advertising different candidates as if the election was some kind of blow-out sale.  I have never even heard of these people before now.  Those who were seeking re-election had never in their 4 year terms made an effort to reach out to me.  But now, they want my vote.  Of course.  Also, I religiously avoid watching or reading the news (my psyche really can't take it) and I really don't have many people in my life who talk about politics so I manage to really not get any information about candidates just in the course of my daily living.  But, had these candidates left reading material at the local library over the last few months, most likely I would have read something about them.  Even something as small as a bookmark because I'm good for swiping bookmarks.  

I'm just not all that interested.  I think sometimes that it's awful that I'm so apathetic to politics but honestly, the first election I could vote in was the botched one that put Bush in office.  That shook my belief in the system in a way that I've never recovered from.  In my town, I've also watched one mayor hand off to another mayor only for things to essentially stay the same although the new mayor's credo was to bring sweeping change and reform. 

It doesn't help that I view politics as a kind of game where voters are really just the spectators.  Sure, if spectators (voters) don't show up, the whole game suffers.  They are needed, no doubt because the pay the admission fees (taxes).  But who is really controlling the game?  Who really makes a difference in how the game is played?  What happens next?  It's the players (politicians), referees, coaches and owners.  To me, if you really want to make a difference, you have got to be one of those people or at least very close to one of those people.  

I read a story in Good Housekeeping magazine recently about the families of people who were killed on a short domestic flight.  Turns out that with these short domestic flights, there's a lot of dangerous things going on like unskilled and tired pilots and other shortcuts being taken to reduce cost.  These families went to bat to try to get some laws passed to fix things.  But they didn't vote about it.  They went to Washington.  They wrote letters to their representatives but I believe the reason they were able to get anything done really was because they got so actively involved.  Casting a vote would have, quite simply, not been enough.  You have got to get all up in the mix.  In a way that many of us do not have the time, energy, money or motivation to do.

Interestingly enough, I'm teaching Z1 about what it means to be a good citizen.  For a five year old, voting doesn't even factor into the equation.  Being a good citizen means things like: 

• someone who cares about their community and world
• someone who understands rules are created for the common good and doesn't break them (I add unless those rules are unjust)
• someone who shows respect for the neighbors

Too many of us grow up and reduce our good citizenship to whether or not we voted in the last election.  Pat ourselves on the back for a job well done and keep on living in our insulated, solitary worlds caring not one whit about all the other hallmarks of good citizenship.

So maybe I should have gone out to vote yesterday but I'm not losing sleep about it.  Not even really all that interested in the results.  I kind of know that there is a system in place and that no one guy voted in is really going to rock the system too hard.  

There are some elections that I know I should pay more attention to (like senate and presidential elections--playoffs and superbowls).  But the others . . . I'm just not at all motivated.  But it doesn't mean I'm ungrateful for the sacrifices made so that it was my decision to make whether or not I'd go out and vote.

When the other partner says no.

I was participating in a thread about wanting more children when your partner doesn't and what to do about it:  a) accept it  b) try to convince him/her or c) get pregnant accidentally on purpose.  I think I've mentioned before on this blog that I think the best way to go about it is to accept it.  You could go the convincing route but really, I would never want to bring a child into this world if I had to convince someone.  I want every child I bear to be completely wanted.  That doesn't mean you don't talk about it with your partner and try to sort out why he/she is anti-having more kids.  But at the end of the day, you have to realize his/her reasons for not wanting more are just as valid as yours are for wanting more.  

But some people on the thread said they'd really go the distance with trying to convince.  (And I get that feeling too except that my partner's reason for not wanting more children actually make perfect sense to me and I actually agree--but still want more.  Darn biology.  Go figure.)  Some folks just couldn't understand how one partner could be so bent on trying to convince the other partner to have another child and this was my response in way of explanation:

The way I describe it is in terms of running. I set out to do 5 miles. I get to 4 miles and I stop. Not because I want to. Not because I don't have it in me. But because the person I'm running with has had enough. It's great that I've done the 4 miles. Four miles is nothing to sneeze at. And I certainly don't want to force my running partner to keep going if he's completely exhausted or can't handle it for some other reason. But I would have felt, I don't know, complete if I could have finished the last mile. So it's about getting to a place where you are okay with not feeling complete. You can be very happy with what you have but not feel complete or rounded out.

At this point in the game, I feel like we've run our 4 miles.  I've taken off my running shoes.  Ready to get in the shower and move on with the rest of my day.   I've given away tons of baby stuff.  Weaned Z2.  Gotten him to sleep in his own bed (mainly).  We're moving out of this baby phase for sure.

I'm not mad at the hubby at all.  Just, it is what it is.  Cool beans.  And so, I'm slowly making the shift to really embracing our 4 person family.  And that is truly opening me up to enjoying and fully experiencing my current family instead of longing for something else.  In other words, I'm able to appreciate the four mile run for what it is and not the five mile run it could have been.  Huge difference.  And hopefully, in time, I'll come to view the 4-mile run as the perfect run for me--not an unfinished one.   

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Movie Review: The Duchess

I've had it on my Netflix instant queue for a while now but I had been hesitant about watching it because I wasn't sure if I'd like a period movie.  I finally watched it yesterday and I have to say, I really enjoyed it.

The topic wasn't new:  young girl marries into wealth.  The marriage is loveless and the husband unfaithful (and straight up disrespectful).  Wife is dutiful but eventually decides to try to carve out some happiness of her own by having an affair of her own.  Husband won't stand for it and threatens her physically and emotionally.  Wife either gets back in line or risks losing it all.

I'm aware that there have been some cultures throughout history where women were just as valued and powerful as men but those cultures are in the minority.  Speaking strictly as a Westerner, it really made me appreciate how far we as women have come in terms of being able to feel fully human.  The fact that we control so much of our own destiny is amazing especially when you look at how much a woman's life was out of her control just a few centuries ago.   And even now, all this time later women are not completely empowered.  We are still struggling for equality and justice.  But a movie like The Duchess really does give some perspective.

I think Keira Knightly did a fantastic job playing Georgina.  We see a woman who knows and understands that she is not free but who is powerless to do anything about it.   Maybe this is the worst kind of suffering--when you don't know that things should be different, it doesn't hurt as much.  At one point, Georgina says that the only way women have to express themselves is through designing their dresses (which makes you wonder how terrible it was for poor women who probably didn't even have this outlet available to them).  We sympathize with her frustration and pain.  Knightly makes Georgina very real.  

And the costumes and set!  It was just very beautiful to watch.  I mean, really beautiful.  This was one of the best things about the movie. 

Oh, and it wasn't too long.  I can't take long movies.  It wasn't drawn out.  Dramatic without being overly so.  Just a good movie.  I recommend it. 

Something as small as a mouse . . .

Can totally change your computer experience!  

The scroll ball on the Apple wired mouse that came with our computer hasn't worked properly in ages. Very cute mouse.  Very annoying problem. I had tried to correct it and searched online for what could be done.  Apparently, it was just dirt gunked up in the scroll ball.  You can't take the mouse apart or really get in around it to clean it.   So I followed a suggestion I found:  I'd use a cotton make-up removal pad lightly soaked with alcohol and roll it around on that to clean it.  It would be good for a day or two then it would go right back to being non-functional.  Eventually, I gave up on the scroll ball altogether.  Who has time or energy like that?   

I'd been holding out on getting a new mouse because, technically, that one worked.  I mean, it would scroll up (sometimes) and you could navigate around the computer.  But after a few years, I decided to get a new mouse with a scroll wheel that works!  I was really getting tired of clicking a page, taking my hand off the mouse and then using the arrows to  scroll so I could read something.  I'm downright ecstatic at having a scroll wheel again and I'm also thrilled that I can left click again (which I didn't even think I missed all that much until I could do it again).  There's only one button on the Apple mouse and if I wanted to left click something, I'd have to hold command and click.  Hooray for eliminated steps! 

If you are interested, I purchased the Kensington K72213USA Mouse-in-a-Box Optical 2 USB Mouse (PC/Mac) for almost $13 on Amazon.  There were pricier mice but this one got pretty good ratings.  It works great right now--really smooth operation.   I just plugged it in via USB and it worked!  No software to install--plug and play. Let's hope it stands the test of time.  

So yes, it's good to make do with what you have especially if it works--even if it doesn't do all the extra things you'd want it to do or look the way you would want it to look.    You profoundly appreciate it when you upgrade. 

Costco versus BJ's

This post might be useful if you're trying to decide between the two.  

I've been a Costco member for the past 2 years.  In that time, a BJ's warehouse store opened about 5 minutes from my house (right across the street from Fairway).  Now, Costco is not that far away but it is two towns over.  It would be wonderful if I could do all my shopping closer to home, i.e. at Fairway and BJ's (but still driving 3 towns over to get to Trader Joe's every other week).  So when my Costco membership lapsed, I decided to give BJ's a try.  I signed up for the 60-day trial membership to see if I could make a go of it.  

Here are some of the things Costco has but BJ's doesn't:

• organic brown rice
• Dr. Praeger's veggie burgers
• Flax Plus granola
• old-fashioned rolled oats
• organic peanut butter
• organic (low-sugar) strawberry preserves
• organic frozen corn and mixed vegetables
• organic soy milk
• Kirkland signature mesquite seasoning
• organic dried thyme, oregano and basil
• fish sticks (which are mostly fish and a very thin layer of breading)
• Kirkland toilet paper (which is awesome, by the way)

Some thingss that BJ's has going for it:

• the fruits and veggies are generally fresh (though not the last time I went) and many of the veggies are are sold in smaller quantities (Costco sells, I think, a 7# bag of organic carrots but BJ's carries a reasonable 3# bag)
• I really liked the layout of BJ's.  The aisles are all clearly marked so you don't have to walk down every aisle to find something.  Costco recently changed the whole store around and you couldn't find anything or anyone to ask--it was quite frustrating.  
• BJ's has self-checkout lanes which is great for getting in and out quickly. 
• My kids love the fact that they have those car shopping carts (which drive me insane with their inability to be maneuvered)

The first couple of weeks of the BJs trial membership, I thought I might try to have a membership at both places but I didn't think I could re-coup my membership fee.  Or maybe I could make BJ's work by plugging the holes with Trader Joe's.  I think  I decided against that particular option because:

• while Trader Joe's carries the Dr. Praeger's veggie burgers, they are smaller than the Costco ones and cost more per burger
• Trader Joe's fish sticks are smaller and cost almost two times as much as the ones carried at Costco.  
• Flax Plus is far more expensive at Trader Joe's than Costco

I'm disappointed in my local Costco because they stopped carrying organic quinoa and organic sugar.  I know I really should write a letter and maybe these two items will come back.  Despite my disappointment, it makes more sense to continue as a Costco member.  The fruits are not the worst (I stay away from their bananas though) and they have a nice organic spinach they carry.  Also, I mainly buy fruits and veggies at Fairway and Trader Joe's (only sometimes though because their produce is iffy although I can rely on their celery and lettuce being fresh) since I can get organics there (especially the Dirty Dozen.

I wish BJ's had worked out.  It would have been super-convenient.  I'm going to focus on only having to go far every other week (Trader Joe's and Costco one week and Fairway only the other week).  I don't want to drag the kids to three stores at every shopping excursion.  So I have to be smart about what and how much I buy. 

Do you have a wholesale club membership?  Has it worked out for you? 

Running in the Winter

The time is coming when running outside will not be a matter of simply putting on my sneakers, grabbing my I-pod and heading out the door.  Winter is coming!  Already I have to warm up for 5-10 minutes indoors before I go out for my runs and it's only about 50 degrees in the early morning.   I can see my breath and after about 30 minutes, if I don't have on gloves, I can't feel my fingers.  I've been thinking about what I'm going to do when the temperatures really plummet.  Essentially there are three options:

1. Invest in some cold weather running gear.   I read this article.  I already have layer one and layer two.  I need to work on layer three which is basically a windbreaker jacket (I can use the hubby's) and windbreaker pants which I'm pretty sure I can get at the thrift store.  I would need some kind of hat (I just wear a regular cotton hat right now which is not too bad), gloves (I wear my fleece gloves lined with Thinsulate which get a little too hot and sweaty), a baklava, and a good pair of socks.  Also, some reflective bands or something since when I go out, it's still quite dark.  So not too, too much of an investment.
2. Join the local gym for the duration of the winter so I can make use of the treadmill.  I am pretty sure I will not enjoy treadmill running. I like, you know, going somewhere when I run.  But another advantage of joining the gym would be that I could potentially take classes and make use of the weight machines since I would like to start the The New Rules of Lifting for Women this winter. Another advantage is that as long as I could make it to the gym, I could run.  If I'm counting on running outside, snow, sleet and ice could make it impossible. 
3. Stop running for the winter and invest in some more DVDs.  I really don't want to stop running.  Actually, I can't realistically imagine not running for the entire winter.

So it's really between 1 and 2 and I'm happy I have a little more time to decide.

Meanwhile, I've just completed another round of the Push Circuit in the Chalean Extreme program.  I'm not quite sure where to go next but I think I'm going to mix it up a little.  My goal is:

• to lift heavy (to build strength) two times a week (I might repeat the Lean Circuit in CE), 
• to lift lighter weight (to build endurance doing more like in Jari Love's programs or in Jillian Michael's strength program) or use body weight (like these Body Rock workouts) once a week and 
• to continue with 3+ hours of cardio worked in there somehow.  Currently, 1:30 of my cardio during the week is running so it's a big portion and I am loathe to give it up even for a couple of months!

How do your workouts change in the winter months?

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What about charter schools?

Sometimes when I say that we're homeschooling, people ask me, "What about charter schools?"  It's sometimes assumed that I'm homeschooling because I'm not pleased with public school options.

For many families, charter schools have been a great alternative to traditional (and often low-performing) public schools.  There's an emphasis on discipline and academic excellence.  Since admission to these schools is not automatically guaranteed (usually there's a lottery or a test to gain entrance), there's an atmosphere of gratitude amongst parents and children because they know it's not their right to be in the school.  That there cuts down on some of the disciplinary issues found in traditional public schools:  you can be kicked out.  People wait anxiously to hear if their children will be accepted and really rejoice if their kids are.  I don't blame them at all and I'm glad they exist as an alternative but charter schools do not represent an acceptable option to me. 

When applying for teaching positions, I carefully avoided applying to charter schools.  The work day for a teacher at one of these schools typically started at 7 and ended at 4--two hours longer than a teacher's day at a traditional public school.  In addition, teachers were often expected to be accessible to students after school hours for homework help.  To me, these schools were asking too much from me as a teacher and definitely not compensating me enough.  With my own young family, I wasn't willing to make that kind of sacrifice although the philosophies and track records of these schools were definitely appealing.   So from a teacher's perspective, I didn't want to go the charter school route.  And as a parent, I don't want to either.  

Now, I will say that most of my knowledge of charter schools comes from charter schools in the South Bronx, a generally economically depressed area that exhibits many of the symptoms of these kinds of areas.  It's possible that things are vastly different elsewhere.  The (eery) feeling I got from these schools was that  they were trying as hard as they could to keep the kids in school (and out of their homes) as much as possible.  This way, they could "work" on the kids, providing an alternative to what was implicitly assumed to be less than ideal home situations.  Here the kids could be exposed to much better than anything they could receive from their families.  This feeling of mine was reinforced by the fact that many of the teachers at these charter schools were White, middle-to-upper class, well-educated young men and women with the goal of "doing good" for those "terribly disadvantaged children."  Essentially, charity work (especially in light of the pay and hours).  It reminded me of the boarding schools set up by churches in colonial Africa that would separate the children from their parents in order to inculcate them with a whole new set of "righteous" ideals and "correct" ways of thinking.  I can't get with it. 

Paulo Freire, anyone?  You can never divorce education from politics.   There is always an agenda.   There's the obvious fact that charter schools are still public schools funded by the state (although some are also funded privately).  They still have certain standards to meet.  All that changes, really, is how these schools go about achieving those standards.  Charter schools do not question the status quo.  They affirm the status quo.  And devise more effective and innovative ways of maintaining the status quo.  Which is great if you as a parent don't mind the status quo. 

Do children really need more time in the classroom to learn well and do better academically?  (This is one of my biggest pet peeves!)  Children, in my opinion, need much more free time to explore on their own and opportunities to learn how to learn.  Most charter schools are still not addressing the fundamental issues:  the foundation on which the school system was built does not serve the needs of children.  They are still working on a shaky framework although what they're building is more elaborate and simply cooler than what we had before.

I'm not naive.  If it came down to it and my children needed to attend public school, I wouldn't overlook charter schools.  But honestly, I'd be more likely to find the best performing school in my area and fight to send them there.  

As a homeschooler, for some odd reason, parents feel the need to vent to me about their school situations: where they wish their kids could be, what they wish their schools could look like, what they like and don't like about the whole situation.  I'm not sure why I come off as the person to talk to.  Most recently, a parent was gushing to me about a charter school in a neighboring town started by Bill Gates.  I could not have cared less but there I was, subjected to it.  I generally keep my feelings about controversial things to myself and so I let her talk.  I also let her show me how much her 4 year old daughter knows.  She was very (and I mean very) adamant that she's way advanced for a 4 year old.  Wonderful.  

So, no, I'm not homeschooling because I don't know about charter schools.  I'm homeschooling in spite of charter schools. 

Interesting articles here and here.

Being Myself.

I had two topics I wanted to write about tonight: the first was the sad state of my Buddhist practice and the second was Afro-centrism.  I went with the second topic which came about after watching YouTube videos posted by two beautiful and intelligent, natural, African-centered women.

I trodded RastafarI for a number of years.  One of the major teachings is the idea of repatriation, or returning to one's homeland which for Black people is Africa.  Most RastafarI people are very Afrocentric (or try to be) in their world views and I tried to be too.  But it didn't come naturally.  I didn't have any romanticized ideas of Africa and I know it's because I'm only a first generation American born to parents who immigrated from Nigeria.  Repatriating, to me, was not necessarily the end to all ills and I didn't have any illusions about what moving back to Africa right now would be like.  So I never really had a burning desire to repatriate physically although I thought I should and honestly, probably would have had the right man come along talking about building and going back to our root by living in Africa.

What did resonate with me though, was African ways of thinking and being, ways of thinking and being that are forgotten by Black people--both those on the continent and those that are part of the diaspora.  It's worth it to me to remember from whence you came. Mental and spiritual repatriation, if you will.   It eliminates future mistakes and helps you to stay true to yourself.  I do believe our ancestors had a certain wisdom that you don't readily come upon these days.  And so I really did (and do) try to embrace an Afrocentric way of thinking--although it may not be obvious. 

Now that I'm raising my children, I notice that I don't place a big emphasis on Africa.  I'm not planning to take an Afrocentric approach to their education although it is definitely important to me to teach African history and geography and also to teach general history including Black people.  Africa (and Black people) is largely ignored in mainstream education so I'm so happy to be homeschooling in that regard since I can provide this aspect of my children's education.   I had to learn all the European countries but not the African ones.  This will not be the case for my kids. 

But, I guess, being Afrocentric or at least, really loud and proud about being African (and natural, and conscious) is not something I am striving for anymore.  But I remember the energy with which I did.  I kind of hate to say it but my whole ordeal with my thinning hair and locks really set the stage for a whole reorganizing of how I think and what I am. Because of this, I hesitate to say that hair is just hair.  Even though it is just hair.  It has really influenced my politics and my spirituality. 

Africa is important to me but not in a fanatical way.  It's important to me in a natural way, because that's where I come from.  It's my homeland.  I hope to live there one day.  I think when the west falls, that may be the best place to live.  But I don't really rock daishikis anymore.  Or wear traditional clothes at all.  The only ankh I wear now, from time to time,  is a small silver pendant on silver chain and when I think why it's significant to me now, it's not because it shows that I know about ancient Khemet (and am therefore "with it" when it comes to all things Afrikan).   It's more so because I am moved by the meaning of it and really, I would wear something that means what it means no matter what culture it originated from.   There was a time in my life where you wouldn't catch me without my ankh, a button, pin, ribbon or something declaring AFRICA!! Currently, there are really no signs that I'm "afrocentric". Talking to me you might not know.  Looking at me, you definitely wouldn't know.  

I'm African but raised in America so I'm American too.  I'm just learning to embrace both and keep it moving without guilt and without any inclination to be something I'm not.

Book Review: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

I recently completed Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the ever-so-popular Eat, Pray, Love, which I reviewed here.  I was pretty certain I would like Committed and while I didn't hate it, it wasn't great.  Whereas after reading Eat, Pray, Love I was on a mission to obtain a copy for my personal library, I had no qualms about returning my borrowed copy back to the library.  Forever. 

It just seemed like Ms. Gilbert's voice was so different in this book.  It reads just like a collection of research aimed at convincing someone that marriage is a worthwhile practice generally speaking when in actuality, for Ms. Gilbert, it's a worthwhile practice if it's in the interest of keeping your fiance in the country.  I guess it felt rather disingenuous, which is a frequent complaint by Eat, Pray, Love critics.  What was missing for me was that earnestness and that insight.  The skill with which she synthesized that which she had researched into cogent and profound lessons for her life. The vast majority of the book was Ms. Gilbert simply sharing what she had gleaned from her studies of marriage across history and time.

And I was actually really surprised by some of the naivete and self-absorption [displayed] in this book regarding what you can expect from the other partner in a marriage and what marriage is supposed to do for a person.

But I will say that I really learned a great deal about the history of marriage, how it has impacted women's lives over the years, how it has evolved and the current state of marriage.  The information was presented in a very accessible way with lots of relevant personal anecdotes.  I certainly appreciate Ms. Gilbert's ambivalence about marriage and learning as much as she did to write this book, I can't say the ambivalence would be assuaged.  To the contrary, it would make you more determined to never marry.  But Ms. Gilbert really doesn't have a choice [if she wants her fiance in the country] so she ends up sucking it up.

One passage really stuck out to me as being really truthful, on page 226:

Out of respect, we must learn how to release and confine each other with the most exquisite care, but we should never--not even for a moment--pretend that we are not confined.  

As someone who married relatively young [and whose prospects (statistically speaking} for a successful marriage [so I learned from the book] are quite slim), I totally agree with this sentiment.  You won't find that many 20-somethings who are down with the inherent confinement that comes with marriage.  Marriage is intended to stabilize and hold people down.  

So Committed is not  Eat, Pray, Love.  It was a good and easy read chock full of information with a happy ending.  You can't be mad at that.  But seriously, you could read this review and get the gist of the whole book.  

When Parents Pursue Passion

Sometimes, the children really suffer.

I discovered this episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition, a show I never watch, and was drawn into it by the beautiful display of natural hair and happiness.  Every member of the family looked genuinely joyful and healthy.

I simply couldn't believe the condition of the house.  There was an older man who commented that the house didn't reflect the family and I really had to cosign.  The place really looked like it ought to have been condemned!

At first, I was happy that a family who had been giving so much to others would get this wonderful opportunity of having a new house built for them.

But as I kept thinking about it, boy, I started to get a little upset.

I grew up with parents who, like this couple, were committed to their calling.  They felt that had a purpose and really poured their energy, time and money into it.  My parents sacrificed a lot to do what they felt they were called to do.  And you know what?  Their children really went through a lot of nonsense because of it.

While to my parents credit, we never went hungry, we found ourselves growing up in a pretty rough neighborhood with poor schools in a house that was always in need of repair or simple maintenance.  We watched as other people on the block, all owners of these newly built houses, added on and did things to keep their houses up.  Meanwhile at our house, something was always broken or just not replaced--looking run-down and neglected.  And while it never got to the extent of the house featured in this episode, it still left us knowing that our parents' priority was not our house.  The place where we called home.  It left us with the sinking suspicion that our parents' priority was not us.

See, now that I own a house and a very old house at that, I realize that it's expensive to maintain a house.  I mean, it's expensive to do the things to keep it running like keeping the water and heat on.  But there's other aspects of maintenance too that can get pricey.  But I've also realized that with just the littlest of know-how, sweat, and a trip to Home Depot, you can do the basic things to keep up a house.  Paint.  Change exposed plumbing.  Replace broken/missing tiles.  Find ways to keep vermin out.  I get it:  not everyone is handy but it seems to me that if they money is not there to pay people to do it, it's time to get resourceful and figure out how to do it yourself.  It might not look professional but I really believe a little bit of effort at it, goes a long way.  I believe in things functioning more so than things looking good.  (Although things that function and look good is a very pleasant thing indeed.)  Another way to go about it is to earmark small amounts of money yearly (like half of your tax return) to get one major project completed every one to two years.  That is, to me, the responsibility of owning a house.  If you're unwilling or unable to take it on, rent.

So it kind of upset me.  I got upset for those 5 lovely girls.  These girls clearly deserved that beautiful house that was built for them.  But will their parents keep it up?  I certainly, certainly hope so.

As parents, we have a right to pursue our passions and work at our callings.  But I don't think we have complete freedom to do that.  We really have to think about how it affects our children.  And sometimes we have to go about things in a different way to make sure that our children are living in a safe and healthy physical and emotional environment.  Clearly, the girls in this family are happy and healthy emotionally--despite what the house looked like and for that, I am willing to give the parents a great deal of credit for that.  Many families with pristine, newly built houses complete with all the amenities cannot afford their children a safe and healthy emotional environment.  It goes to show that you don't need a lot to be happy and I'm proud of the way these parents have fostered a sense of contentment in their children.

I'm overjoyed that this way overdue makeover took place and I hope that with some of the publicity, more money and resources will flow into this family so that the parents can continue to follow their passion of helping couples while maintaining that beautiful house for their children.

339 Moves!

One of the fitness goals I had for myself was to be able to complete all the exercises in the Ab Ripper X routine (part of the P90X program--339 moves) with excellent form.  When I first started doing the routine, I couldn't complete even half of the reps.  I have stuck with this routine for months now despite the fact that it is really challenging.  It definitely is how Tony Horton describes: "[you] hate it but [you] love it" because even though it's tough, you keep coming back.  The challenge is just that attractive.

I'm so pleased to say that this morning that I completed all 339 moves in the Ab Ripper X program with perfect form.  I did not stop to take breaks.  I did not modify to make the exercises easier.  And when Tony says, "If you stuck with us, you just did 339 core slashing exercises," I said, "Indeed I did."  It felt great.  

I think I mentioned it but one of my other fitness goals for 2010 was to be able to do 10 push-ups (unmodified) and I'm pleased to say that I reached that one as well.  Another goal that I set was to be able to do one chin-up (unmodified) and I am still working on that one.

One thing I have realized is that the advice is true: you need to be well hydrated to perform.  Just 8-12 ounces of water 30 minutes before exercising dramatically improved how I perform.  Even if I don't feel dehydrated, it makes a big difference when I just go on ahead and drink the water.  

Anyway, I reached my goal!  I had not specifically planned to reach it before the year's end but I did.  And now that I know I can, it's just mind over matter to do it consistently.  

Love or Understanding?

This very interesting question came up on one of my message boards:  

What's more important to you: to be loved or to be understood?

I really had to think about it.  

I think that you can love a person deeply and genuinely but not totally understand him/her.  I think this this because it's difficult to even understand yourself. As you get older, if you work on it, you do really get a better understanding of yourself, i.e. who/what you are becomes clearer to you.   But it may take many lifetimes, in my opinion to really totally understand yourself.  

Yet, I know that my sister, my best friend and my hubby, the folks who are closest to me, all really love me despite the fact that they don't understand every aspect of me.  I know for sure that I'm an anomaly to my parents, yet I believe they love me.  

Here's the thing though: they all know me very well even if they don't completely understand.  

But is knowing the same things as understanding?  Not necessarily.  Like learning your times tables or how to find the area of a triangle in grade school.  You can know these by heart, know them very well but it is not until you get into advanced mathematics and science, much later on,  when you really manipulate and work with these formulas and theorems that you can claim to really understand what's going on. It's one of the main reasons I want to homeschool:  I did very well in school because I knew a lot of stuff; I could retain huge amounts of information and could often apply it  But I didn't always fully understand it.  That became obvious when I started college. 

So I do think there can be deep, genuine and abiding love without complete understanding if there is a high level of knowledge.  As healthy relationships mature, though, you get to  really know the other person better and I think understanding begins and then deepens. 

But I also think it's wonderful when the understanding does begin to happen.  I think that is what makes for longevity in a marriage or any other intimate relationship that we maintain by choice.  No one wants to be in situation where whatever he/she does elicits a raised eyebrow from his/her partner.  That's just exhausting.  It's equally exhilarating--thrilling even--when you meet someone who really seems to "get you".  But if a relationship like this progresses to romantic love though (as I've experienced before), the person can sometimes start to act like they've got a handle on you better than you've got a handle on yourself.  Which is annoying, to say the least.

Anyway, the question got me thinking about soul mates again--how if two people were truly soul mates, if such a thing exists, that there would be this profound understanding between the two of them precisely because they are matched in such a mystical way. 

So is love that is not based on understanding superficial?  Is it not real?  Personally, I don't think so. if the love is based on genuinely knowing the person. I am totally and completely convinced that those closest to me love me because they know me.  The show love in the most wonderful of ways.  And I cannot conceive of the devastation that they would feel if they lost me or if I lost them.

And here's the kicker for me: unequivocally I love my children.  There are times that it really hits me that I don't really understand why they are a certain way; why they are behaving a certain way.  But I love them anyway because of who they are to me.  What they mean to me.  

So I guess I conclude that being loved is more important to me than being understood.  But I will add a disclaimer and say that the latter is also important as we need to be understood by at least someone so we don't feel (or go) crazy.  And I think it's a noble effort to continually work to understand those you love.  I think that demonstrates love in deeply profound way.

Anyway, I thought of this song while I was writing this.  It's called Perfect Love and Understanding by one of my favorite roots reggae groups, Israel Vibration.