Need something different for fitness!

This past Monday (Labor Day), I ran my first 10K Race.  It was the Labor Day Marathon and it was very laid back.  The trail was in Van Cortlandt park and was very challenging in some places.  There were a good number of hills and some gnarly areas where you literally had to walk very slowly or risk serious injury.  I had a good time.  I'd even say it was fun.  And opportunities to do fun stuff lately has been few so it was really good for my morale.  The 10K really drove home the point that I do not like to run for long distances:  the 6+ miles was perfect and the race came to an end just when I thought it should.  So now I'm really not feeling any more excited about the upcoming 1/2 marathon.  I'm totally undecided about whether I'm actually going to run it or not.  I guess I'll know closer to the day.  Right now, though, I'm pretty sure that if I do run it, I will probably run 10 miles of the race and maybe walk the rest.  I am definitely, definitely not a long-distance runner.   

And the more I think about it, the less excited I am about any form of exercise, including lifting, despite having a ton of options for my next lifting program from which to choose.  I may be suffering from burnout.  Over these last few weeks, I've been following my 1/2 training program to a tee.  Cross-training on non-running days (doing intervals on the exercise bike or floor aerobics in addition to strength-training) which means that I really haven't had any real time to recuperate.  And if my left eye, which has been twitching for the last few weeks, and this suspicious pain in my left shoulder, is any indication, I need some serious down time. 

According to my training plan, I was supposed to do a 45-minute easy run today.  But I was up late last night and it's cold and damp outside.  These are usually not good enough excuses to not push myself but I'm giving myself an out.  I'm just not in the mood and I want to get excited about fitness again . . . I want it to be fun again.  Not drudgery.  

I've pretty much decided to give CrossFit a try--I need something different.  There are three CrossFit gyms within 30 minutes of me.  One of them doesn't have any 6:00 AM classes. One has a CrossFit Elements class, basically an intro to CrossFit: 4 private sessions for $160. And then this one, which has reasonable prices, early class times and got some good review on Google.  

Baby Days are Over

Z2 weighed 38 lbs. last time I weighed him.  Only 2 more pounds, and he would be at the upper height limit for his car seats.  I had always thought that when the time came and I needed to replace his car seats, I'd go with the Sunshine Kids Radian 65 seat.  It's a super narrow seat and is the one Z1 has.  The idea was that with two of the super slim seats, I could fit a third seat (specifically a Graco SnugRide) in the back seat of my '05 Subaru Outback.  I actually researched it because I had read that many folks had difficulty getting three seats in the back of my particular car.  This configuration of the two Radian 65s on the outboards seats and the Graco SnugRide in the center was supposed to work, i.e. you could get a tight fit for all three car seats.  

Then on Thursday of last week, I received a flyer from Toys R Us.  In it, the Graco Nautilus 3-in-1 Car seat was on sale for $129.99.  On top of that, they were having a trade in event where you could get 25% off another item for each item you bring in.  I already have a Nautilus for Z1 which is in his dad's car.  It's an awesome seat because it's 3-in-1: harnesses up to 65 lbs., belt positioning high back booster up 100, and then a backless booster.  Theoretically, it's the last car seat you'd ever have to buy which is great and with the coupon I'd get for trading in both of Z2's car seats, they would cost me about $105 each.  Sweet deal.  But it's a pretty wide seat--nowhere near as narrow as the Radian 65.  Now way at all to fit a third seat in the middle.  

And that's when I started to feel really, really sad.  And like I had to make a decision quickly.  The sale would not last forever and the question that I've been grappling with for months needed to be answered now.  

As you may or may not know, the hubby definitely does not want any more children.  I, on the other hand, do (or did).  I'd always envisioned myself with a big family of four kids.  I thought I'd drive a mini-van and even knew the one I wanted (the Nissan Quest).  But the reality of it was that I was alone in this desire.  I know now that this is a serious issue that we should probably have talked more about (even though things and people do change so there's no guarantees we would have been able to avoid this issue).  I was under the impression that the hubby would be okay with 3 kids.  He wanted 2.  I wanted 4.  3 was a good compromise.  But is there such a thing as compromise when it comes to another living being?  Well, we had many long discussions.  There were tears and anger and frustration.  Eventually, the hubby relented and we started to try for a third.  But by the time this happened, I was super ambivalent about it.  I felt like I had forced the hubby's hand, yes, but more than that, I realized a few important things.  Firstly, from a financial standpoint, we are not totally in the  position to have another child.  Sure, we could make it work but in all honesty, our small apartment and cars accommodate 2 children perfectly.  With careful planning and budgeting, we are living comfortably, can give our kids things like swim and piano lessons, can go on modest vacations and even put some money aside..  Yes, we would adjust to a third child and it would be joyful and awesome to meet another one of our creations but it would stress us.  It would stress the hubby because he would feel like he'd have to work and it would stress me because when he's out of the house working, I'm at home working.  And the kind of mothering I want to do is super intense--co-sleeping, exclusively nursing, baby-wearing, cloth diapering--it takes energy.   Which brings me to the next point, from a resource standpoint, I am still struggling.  The children are either under my care or the hubby's care 99% of the time.  We cannot afford a nanny or consistent babysitters.  And I'm struggling to find a homeschool community for support.  We simple don't have the social resources/capital to have another child at this time.  But every day that passes, as my kids age, I gain a little freedom to do those things that I've been putting on the back burner.  I can focus on my fitness which I really enjoy.  I get longer clips of time to write.   It always boils down to time (just wait and the kids will grow and you can do more things) or money (make more so you can do more things).  Time, I hope, I have.  Money, not so much.  Yet despite all this, if the hubby showed some enthusiasm about having another, I could comfortably put all these concerns aside and keep trying.  Without his unyielding support, though, it feels selfish and stupid and the doubts are loud enough for me to say, no, I shouldn't keep pushing.  

So I've been pretty broke up these past couple of days accepting that Z2 is my last baby.  I feel pangs of jealousy and sadness when I see moms with their three or four children.  It feels like yet another dream that I just have to let go.  But I am and you know what?  It's helping me appreciate what I already have.  At least, I no longer drive around with mini-van envy.  

I pulled the trigger and went on ahead and bought the two Nautilus car seats.  The purchase of these two seats feels like the closing of a wonderful chapter in my life.  For now and perhaps forever, my baby days are over.  

Content to Make Do

In choosing motherhood, or rather, in choosing to be a mother the way I am (full-time, stay-at-home, homemaking  mom), I feel like often I have to put things that I want to do on the back-burner.  There's my writing, my career, traveling, and oddly enough, spiritual pursuits and endeavors.  Typically, I'm fine with that especially since by the time my youngest is old enough to pretty much take care of himself, I will not even be 40 years old.  I think and hope I'll have plenty of time to accomplish all those things that I can't really focus on now. 

I mean, it's just the nature of the game.  If I want to exercise in the morning and do anything spiritually focused, I have to get up early--like around 5.  If I am too tired to manage getting up that early, I have to skip something and lately it's been the spiritual stuff.

I've been practicing Nichiren's Buddhism as taught by SGI for the last 3 years.  When I first started practicing, I was very enthusiastic.  It seemed like something I could stick to and the teachings really resonated with me.  Basically, it said that I could be happy and I could determine how I want my life to be just by chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo.  I believed it and I did manifest some wonderful things in my life such as my Saturday job, the income from which has enabled me to do a lot of things I probably would not have been able to do.  (Ironically, most of those things involve the very thing that vies most tenaciously for my time: fitness, i.e., running shoes, weights, gym membership, DVDs.)  Anyway, as time has gone on, my practice has fallen to the wayside.  There are the time constraints:  sometimes I just don't wake up early enough to practice and the evenings get so hectic that it seems impossible.  I had been putting serious pressure on myself to chant morning and evening and it just started to feel like a chore so I pulled back and then my practice just seemed to disappear.  I couldn't find the balance between effort and ease in the practice.  And then I started to question some of the teachings.  I already had issues with how the SGI organization treats its leader President Ikeda.  I have little tolerance for people worship (blame it on the fact that I'm a pastor's kid) and I just didn't find much of what he had to say all that inspiring--not enough to revere him as my "sensei".   I also started to become uneasy with certain things like the whole "priesthood issue" (a complex and heated breaking away from the original Nichiren Shoshu school) and the sayings of Nichiren himself which seem to knock other schools of Buddhism and honestly, tend not to make that much sense to me.  But beyond that, I started to feel like this form of Buddhism--or at least how it's espoused by SGI--was not in line with what the Buddha actually taught.  Here I am, energetically chanting for the things I want to get and facing serious disappointment about not being able to get them and then being told that I just needed to chant more.  But I had learned and experienced that once you get what you think you want, there's always something else to get.  And the Buddha teaches about getting rid of attachments.  He taught that desire is the root of all suffering.  I just couldn't reconcile the two.  I mean, I guess I believe in the idea of calling things into one's life and at the basic level, that's all chanting is but I started to feel that I needed something more.  And then  to add complexity to the whole thing, I started feeling like I needed a quiet, more contemplative practice.  Something reflective.  I had started to feel that maybe one day I would like to lead a monastic life--maybe not forever but for some time.  I needed to get to know my mind and learn how to deal with my thoughts and emotions in an effective way--something I didn't seem able to achieve practicing Nichiren's Buddhism. I then read this interview with bell hooks and right in the opening lines, she says what I had been starting to feel:

Tricycle: What was your first exposure to Buddhism?

bell hooks: When I was eighteen I was an undergraduate at Stanford and a poet and I met Gary Snyder. I already knew that he was involved with Zen from his work, and he invited me to the Ring of Bones Zendo for a May Day celebration. There were two or three American Buddhist nuns there and they made a tremendous impression. Since that time I've been engaged in the contemplative traditions of Buddhism in one way or another.

Tricycle: And that excludes Nichiren Shoshu? Which is the only Buddhist organization in America with a substantial black membership?

bell hooks: Yes, Tina Turner Buddhism. Get-what-you-want Buddhism—that is the image of Buddhism most familiar to masses of black people. The kind of Buddhism that engages me most is about how you're going to live simply, not about how you're going to get all sorts of things.

Tricycle: How do you understand the absence of black membership in contemplative Buddhist traditions?

bell hooks: Many teachers speak of needing to have something in the first place before you can give it up. This has communicated that the teachings were for the materially privileged and those preoccupied with their own comforts. When other black people come to my house they say, "Giving up what comforts?" For black people, the literature of Buddhism has been exclusive. It allowed a lot of people to say, "That has nothing to do with me." Many people see the contemplative traditions—specifically those from Asia—as being for privileged white people.

She said it right there:  I wanted a form of Buddhism that teaches me simple living not "gimme" living.  I started to feel that this is the reason why Nichiren's Buddhism became popular in the first place: give people what they want.  It's just not what I needed.

So I started to look for other schools of Buddhism or meditation nearby so I could go and learn and see if there is perhaps a better fit for me.  And this is when I started to get seriously frustrated.  Most meetings are on days when I can't make it because I've got my kids and the hubby is not off.  They are usually at 7:30 or 8:00 which would be great if I had a 9-5 job and no other responsibility but these times are horrible for me because that's when I need to start putting my kids to bed.  If it wasn't the time issue, it was the fact that these meeting places were so far away--with 20 minutes driving being the closest and almost an hour being the farthest.  The last straw was when I started to look into Transcendental Meditation, a form of meditation my good friend started some time back that helped her overcome depression and get motivated.  I mean, her transformation was miraculous.  It cost quite a bit of money to learn the method but I was willing to try to work out a payment plan.  I go to find a local teacher and the closest one is 40 minutes away.  Great.  Well, I could get around time and distance by hiring a babysitter but seriously?  We haven't even worked a babysitter into the budget yet for our so-called monthly date night . . . I have to be honest, it feels a bit selfish to hire a babysitter to work on spiritual stuff that may or may not be beneficial to me.  

So, like so many other things in my life right now, I'm putting this spiritual quest on the back burner.  I can't deal with the frustration right now . . . it kind of sends me to a dark place and how crazy is it that in trying to find spiritual enlightenment, one ends up there?  I've recommitted to chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo morning and night but not for anything tangible.  I am just using it as a meditation--trying to stay focused on it totally while I'm doing it instead of letting my mind wander all over the place.  I also do a little bit of breath-watching meditation after I chant which gives me the piece of quiet meditation I need.  I'm reading books by Thich Naht Hanh and Pema Chodron and listening to insight meditation podcasts on Itunes.  When the time is right, I believe, I will be introduced to something that will fulfill my need totally.  Right now, I'm just going to work on being content to make do.  

There is a lot going on in the kitchen on Sunday mornings!

I spend quite a bit of my time (and money) on food.  The hubby is vegan and the kids and I are making the transition to a low-grain/paleo diet so I am often in the kitchen cooking especially since 99% of all our meals, I make.  Anyway, I've been cooking lots of different things from Everyday Paleo and so far, I'm very pleased with everything I've tried! Yesterday was my first attempt at paleo-style cookies.  I made Nutty Cookies.  The only substitution I made was a cup of applesauce for one banana.  I also added a couple of chocolate chips (seriously, like 2 tablespoons because that's all we had left).  

They came out fabulously.  Very delicious.  The kids gobbled them up.  I realize these are a great snack since they have no refined sugar in them at all.  And the kids really regarded them as a treat!  

Sunday mornings, I usually do pancakes.  When I realized wheat bothered me (and Z2 is also very sensitive), I started to make oat waffles.  As I transition away from grains, I've been experimenting with more paleo style pancakes.  Last week, I made the ones from Everyday Paleo but the kids didn't like them and they were far too dense for me.  Today, I tried this recipe for paleo-style pancakes and I thought they were awesome.  And hours later, I'm still feeling satiated (not so with eating oat waffles--unless I have two whole ones, I'm sure to be hungry again soon.  So I think these pancakes are the ones I'll stick with even though Z2 didn't like them and ate oat waffles (Z1 at least gave them a shot but he ended up eating regular wheat pancakes).  Anyway, this is what our breakfast spread typically looks like:

Those are the paleo pancakes on the far left.  You can see the oat waffles and to the far right are the wheat pancakes.  

Here are Applegate Farms breakfast sausages (sage flavor) for the kids and I and soy chicken nuggets for the hubby.  I also brewed a pot of Ethiopian coffee for the hubby and I to share.  There is a lot going on in the kitchen on Sunday mornings!

Usually, I do all this cooking after a long run.  Last week, I did 10 miles.  After breakfast, I feel utterly exhausted.  But I'm running a 10K race tomorrow and decided to take it easy today:  I just did an hour of yoga.  I feel really good and not tired at all.  So I'm thinking about changing the day I run to Saturday so I can relax on Sunday.  

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you what our Sunday mornings look like in terms of cooking.  

P.S. Sorry for the poor quality pictures.  Our camera is about to die.  

1/2 Marathon Training

I am entering week 7 of my 1/2 Marathon Training Plan and, let me tell you, I cannot wait for this marathon to come and go.  I have learned a lot training for this thing and I think the biggest lesson I've learned is that I am not a distance runner.  I really don't like how it makes me feel physically.  It makes me . . . tired.  Very, very tired.  Then there is the issue of the knee pain which I resolved by purchasing yet another pair of running shoes.  The new shoes took care of the knee pain, but now I'm contending with ankle pain again. (Ankle pain was the reason why I finally went to a real running store to get fitted for running shoes instead of continuing to buy my running shoes at Costco.)  And it's really tough to train for a 1/2 marathon alone.  Typically, I am very self-motivated but some days, it takes all I have to get out the door.  I just do.not.want.to.run.  A partner would definitely help me to look forward to the day's running instead of dreading it.  But as I've said before, it's been next to impossible to find running mates (even having joined meetup.com for the specific purpose).  So I've been forging bravely ahead solo and sometimes, I just want to turn back and get back into bed.  

But anyway, some things that have helped me to press forward:

• eating before a run.  Typically, I run first thing in the morning on an empty belly.  That simply does not work if I am planning to run 10+ miles.  I have to remember to drink at least 8 ounces of water and a handful of walnuts with some raisins before I head out the door.  It really makes all the difference between feeling like I will die before I make it home and feeling like I could maybe go another mile.   
• doing a training race.  Tomorrow, I'm going to be running a local 10K race and I'm actually really looking forward to it.  I know I can comfortably manage 6+ miles and this will give me a chance to test out how to do things for the 1/2 marathon

Still, I'm looking forward to when 10 miles is my weekly mileage again--not a day's mileage. I *much* prefer strength training and other types of cardio exercise.  I am definitely on the bandwagon that says to avoid steady-state cardio and to enjoy doing exercise as would a child--essentially playing.  When I do things like BodyRockTV style exercises, it feels light and playful.  Running like this feels like hard work.  But training for this marathon gave me a chance to switch gears and try something else.  It broke up the monotony although it is now getting monotonous.  In any case, I've got some new strength training books (Men's Health Power Training by Robert dos Remedios, Maximum Strength by Eric Cressey, or New Rules of Lifting by Lou Schuler) and I've been reading (strongly leaning towards Power Training).  After the marathon, I'll take a week off and decide on what to do next.  I'm actually thinking about doing a few Crossfit sessions although I won't lie and say I'm not intimidated by the whole Crossfit thing.  Still and all, I know a lot of Crossfitters also follow a paleo diet so this might provide a good opportunity to meet like minded people.   

When do you stop looking for your mother's approval?

The movie Skin made me really think about this topic.  It came up again last night at dinner with my parents when my mother again remarked that I need to put on weight--to at least get to be a size 6 so that I "look like I've had children".  I try to not let her comments bother me.  I'm happy at my current weight and I'm working hard to maintain it. I try to remember that she's from a different generation and grew up in a different culture. I try to remind myself that when I was a size 16, she had negative comments to make then too so realistically, there is probably no size that I could be that would be ideal.  And if I did somehow reach that magical perfect size, there would be something else that wouldn't be perfect.  I know that intellectually.  But it still feels like I'm falling short and not quite measuring up to some standard.  And never will.  

So when do you finally accept that you will never get your mother's approval?  When do you stop looking for it?  

Skin

I usually try to watch a movie on Sunday.  A good sistren of mine has had the most wonderful recommendations of late and, in fact, she gave me a list of great (mainly foreign) films that I will share.  But yesterday, I happened to just be browsing through the new Netflix play now offerings and found this movie Skin.  My eyes were drawn to it because one of my favorite actresses, Sophie Okonedo, stars in it. 

 

The movie, based on a true story, is quite interesting:

SKIN is one of the most moving stories to emerge from apartheid South Africa: Sandra Laing is a black child born in the 1950s to white Afrikaners, unaware of their black ancestry. Her parents are rural shopkeepers serving the local black community, who lovingly bring her up as their ‘white’ little girl. But at the age of ten, Sandra is driven out of white society. The film follows Sandra’s thirty-year journey from rejection to acceptance, betrayal to reconciliation, as she struggles to define her place in a changing world - and triumphs against all odds.

I found the story to be quite sad.  It hurt to watch some parts of it.  But I'd recommend it because it's a poignant story that really grapples with the complexities of family, race and identity.  And because Sophie is an excellent actress, she draws the viewer in.  I couldn't help but place myself in Sophie's shoes.  And I am not totally sure that Sandra triumphs at the end.  

One thing that really struck me was that at the end of the movie, as with most movies based on a true story, there's an "update" on the characters.  Turns out Sophie's brothers, all these years later, do not have contact with her.  It made me realize how strong an impact parents have on their children--whether positively or negatively.  As Sophie notes to her daughter: You never stop needing your parents.

So here's the list my sistren gave me.  I have watched Electric Shadows and boy, did I enjoy that.  The storytelling is masterful.  So I'm going to work my way through all these movies and hopefully be able to share my thoughts on them.

After the Wedding (Efter Brylluppet)

2006 R 124 minutes, Danish

To save the failing orphanage he runs in India, Danish transplant Jacob Petersen (Mads Mikkelsen) returns to his homeland to meet a self-indulgent businessman named Jørgen who's offered a generous donation -- and represents everything the noble-minded Jacob abhors. Complicating matters further are the unusual strings Jørgen has attached to his so-called gift. Rolf Lassgård co-stars in this Oscar-nominated emotional powerhouse of a drama.

As It Is in Heaven (Så som i himmelen / As in Heaven)

2005 NR 126 minutes, Swedish

This Oscar-nominated Swedish drama tells the story of Daniel Dareus (Michael Nyqvist), a small-town boy who escaped his tiny village to become a famous conductor. A tragic mishap sends him back home in search of a fresh start, and he ends up leading the local choir. Frida Hallgren, Helen Sjoholm and Lennart Jahkel co-star in writer-director Kay Pollak's (Children's Island, Love Me!) heartwarming tale.

Seraphine:

2008 UR 120 minutes, French

Awestruck by the vibrant and imaginative artwork of uneducated housekeeper Séraphine Louis (Yolande Moreau) -- who spends her days doing menial chores -- German art critic Wilhelm Unde (Ulrich Tukur) takes the promising painter under his wing. Though her neighbors and others dismiss Séraphine's work, Unde is determined to turn the obscure French artist into a star in this revelatory biopic also starring Geneviève Mnich and Nico Rogner.

Kabei: Our Mother

2008 NR 133 minutes, Japanese

When her husband is jailed for radical scholarship and accused of being a Communist, Kayo Nogami (Sayuri Yoshinaga) faces the daunting task of raising two daughters -- and enduring the biting cruelties of neighborhood gossip -- all on her own. Yoji Yamada directs this 1940s period piece set in the shadow of a rising tide of Japanese nationalism, a heartfelt family drama based on the writings of Teruyo Nogami.

The Red Balloon (Le Ballon Rouge)

1956 NR 34 minutes, French

A young Parisian boy (Pascal Lamorisse) finds a balloon -- or does the balloon find him? Together, boy and balloon wander the streets of Montmartre and the adjacent neighborhoods, encountering adults and gangs of local kids as the balloon becomes the boy's inseparable companion. Directed by Albert Lamorisse (who won a Best Original Screenplay Oscar), the fanciful 34-minute film also won a special BAFTA Award.

Whale Rider

2003 PG-13 101 minutes, New Zealand

A Maori tribe must contend with the distinctly nontraditional concept of having a female leader when the intended heir to the throne dies during childbirth, leaving his twin sister, Paikea (Keisha Castle-Hughes), to prove herself. Rawiri Paratene, Vicky Haughton, Cliff Curtis and Grant Roa also star in this inspiring coming-of-age tale, which earned the then-13-year-old Castle-Hughes an Oscar nomination.

Electric Shadows

2005 NR 95 minutes, China

Set in modern-day Beijing and 1970s Ningxia, director Xiao Jiang's debut feature explores the power of movies in launching dreams and creating memories. After a bicycle collision leaves Mao Dabing (Xia Yu) with a lump on his head, he promises Ling Ling (Qi Zhongyang), the girl he hit, that he'll care for her fish while she's recuperating. When he stumbles across her diary, he learns the truth about her past -- which rekindles his love of cinema.

Look what we found in the trash today . . .

I'd been wanting one for the kids for a while now but I didn't want to put out the money. I'm not sure if it's sturdy enough for me to jump on but it's awesome for them.  

And a few weeks ago we found:

It was missing a wheel and the sides.  The hubby used a wheel from one of the many, many tricycles we have acquired and fixed it.  The kids do not mind at all that it doesn't have sides: they hold on to what they can and pull each other all around the yard. This is TONS of fun to them and a great way to burn all that energy they have.  

I'm always amazed at what folks throw out.  Hey, you know what they say about one man's garbage . . . 

Should I Quit?

(So I guess I'm merging all three of my blogs now because I don't have the desire to keep three blogs up to date.)

I signed up for my first 1/2 marathon.  It's September 18.  But it's not looking good.  My knees hurt when I run.  I have a high tolerance for pain and I know I can push through it.  But I don't want to risk seriously injuring myself and then making it so that I can't do anything because my knees are damaged.  

A few years ago, I was prescribed orthotics because I have low arches.  I'd injured my foot and it was still full of fluid months after the pain was gone.  So I went to the podiatrist who said I had flat feet and fitted me for some orthotics.  (The podiatrist never did get to the root of the fluid which I still have in the foot.  I recently learned from a friend of mine who is a massage therapist that I probably damaged one of my lymph ducts and that the lymphatic fluid is not being properly reabsorbed so it's just pooling in my foot.  She is going to drain it for me and then show me how to wrap to encourage healing).  

I'd been running in the orthotics and it was fine in the winter when I was running with thick wool socks on.  As soon as it got warm and I started running with thinner cotton socks, my feet were slipping around too much in my Aasics 2150s so I quit the orthotics.  I'm not sure if that's why I'm experiencing so much pain when I run now.  My ten-mile Sunday run was really brutal and one day of complete rest did not help today: it still hurt while I was doing a 50 minute easy run.  

I've been icing my knees after running and also foam rolling to try to minimize the damage.  Up until I asked for advice on my situation on a running message board, I hadn't even considered quitting.  Like I said, I can deal with pain.  But I really do have to think long and hard about this and I need to make a decision.

My current plan is to go for my speed interval run on Thursday wearing the orthotics (and 2 pairs of socks).  If it's still painful, I will withdraw from the race and make the slow transition to running in my Vibram Five Fingers (which many folks have testified eliminated the knee pain since running barefoot forces the body to assume correct form).  I'd only been using the Vibrams to lift and to otherwise cross train (floor aerobics a la BodyRock style and exercise bike) and I love how they feel on my feet.  I already knew from one solitary and painful try, that running on pavement in them was not a great idea and that's why till now, I've been hesitant to run in the Vibram's at all even though it might be the key to solving my running woes.  You know the compromises we make as moms to fit it all in . . . I don't have any trails nearby and it's just more convenient and saves more time to run in the neighborhood.  So I've been faithful to the Aasics and I feel like maybe now it's time to pay the piper.  (((sigh)) It was also suggested that I go see a physical therapist to assess my gait and so I think if I can find one covered by my health insurance I will do that too.  Right after I make the ob/gym appointment I've been putting off for months.  

I'm really bummed that I have to think about not doing this race.  It was really nice to have this as my focus and I have been enjoying training (except for the pain).  Psychologically, it's been great to be doing something different (than heavy lifting).  I hope I can get to the bottom of the pain so that I can continue to run for years pain free. 

What to do with the key?

Maybe for other runners it's not a big deal but for me, figuring out where to keep my house keys while on a run had my mental wheels turning.  At first, I figured I could just stick them in my bra as it had enough fabric and material to keep them (and the girls) from moving.  (It's an Enell bra so yeah, it didn't it was a stupid idea.)  Uhhh . . . yes, it was and you can probably imagine why.  Next I thought I could have it on my wrist on a coil key chain . . . that worked for a while but eventually it just go kind of irritating since the key wouldn't stay put.  Next, I tried the key chain that goes around the neck because surely that should stay secure but alas, no go.  Finally, I figured it out! I wear a Road ID bracelet when I run which means I don't bother carrying any other form of identification.  I took a key ring, hooked it on to the plastic loop of the bracelet.   After I fasten the bracelet, I tuck the key into the little loop that's made.  I then tighten the bracelet as much as is comfortable.  No matter how long the run, no matter how sweaty I get, the bracelet and the key stay put.  What's more, even when I'm not running--say just going to the gym--I grab the Road ID bracelet and my key is already attached to it.  It's all I need to take with me.  Anyway, I thought I'd share that for anyone else who maybe had a bit of difficulty figuring out what to do with the key when you're out for a run.

"You Can't Fix a Body You Hate"

I read this wonderful article over at Everyday Paleo.  It's true on so many levels and I hope you get a chance to read it.  

I can be very honest about things these days.  I started this fitness journey simply because I wanted to get my pre-pregnancy body, which I really loved, back. There were no lofty and esoteric goals.  After I had worked and worked and worked only to discover that my pre-pregnancy body was gone forever, I quickly had to shift my focus to something more substantive like becoming strong and staying fit so that I could enjoy life.  I hated feeling sluggish and tired and like I couldn't even keep up with my kids.  It turns out that I really like being active and moving my body so the aesthetic side of working out naturally took a back burner. I'm wasn't going to stop doing the stuff that made me feel awesome bodily and mentally because it wasn't yielding the aesthetic results I wanted.  But I won't lie and say it doesn't bother me that I put in all this effort and I still don't have a picture worthy body.  I have a diastasis which makes me still look a few months pregnant and lots of skin that just didn't snap back and sags and jiggles.  And there's nothing short of surgery really (although I hope to give the Tupler technique a try one of these days) that's going to fix it.  I can't fix it and I've pretty much given up trying to fix it through exercise.  Yes, I don't like to look at myself naked in the mirror: I don't like what I see reflected back.  I don't think it looks good.  I don't love the way it looks.  Sometimes I hate the way it looks.  But it doesn't stop me from working hard because I have other goals on which I'm working--goals that don't give a hoot how tight my midsection is.  I do love my body because it can run 10 miles and then still make a hearty breakfast for my family.  I love it because it can do 4 chin-ups!  I love it because it can lift weights, hang laundry, clean the bathroom, drive, read, knit and crochet, cook, walk, jump rope, heck, smile and just be here.  I won't front, it does bother me when I see other women who don't work nearly as hard as I do with (at least) smooth stomachs (even if there is a little pouch).  What can you do?  As a human, we often compare ourselves and envy others and wonder, "why me?" and I'm not exempt.   

I have come to the realization that I loved what my body looked like pre-kids because I received a lot of validation about it from men and from the media.  I had a classic hourglass figure.  Svelte.  I could wear pretty much anything and make it look good.  I didn't have to try to camouflage anything.  I can't honestly say I liked it just because it was mine but I liked it, no loved it, because the world did.  Currently that's not the case.  I'm quite muscular with broad shoulders and my waist and hips measure pretty much the same (giving me what I usually see labelled as an "athletic" physique).  My breasts are saggy and deflated post-nursing.  And I already described my belly.  Certainly not what society deems as lovely.  So I'm cognizant of the fact that I'm going to have pull some love for the way my body looks from way deep inside and I'm working on it.  

I hope one day I fall in love with what my body looks like but today is not that day.  Today, I'm grateful for being able to find a different focus and all the wonderful blessings that come from having that different focus.  

The Sportsman: Unexpected Lessons from Around the World by Dhani Jones

I am not a football fan by any stretch of the imagination.  I was introduced to American football player Dhani Jones through an article in the August 2011 edition of Muscle & Fitness magazine (which also featured an excellent article on actor Terry Crews).  I've been borrowing and reading Muscle & Fitness recently as an alternative to women's fitness magazines which spend way too much time, in my opinion, talking about hair and makeup tips.  The workouts in those magazines are light and are usually about firming up with 5 pound weights and losing weight "by eating these 5 foods".  Since I have very little hair, wear no makeup, and enjoy lifting heavy weights, I really have no interest in them.  There are some magazines akin to Muscle & Fitness for women but my library doesn't subscribe to them.  Anyway, back to Dhani Jones.  

Dhani Jones is a linebacker for the Cincinnati Bengals.  He also had his own show, Dhani Tackles the Globe, which is available as a "play now" on Netflix and wrote a book The Sportsman: Unexpected Lessons from around the World which is part memoir, part chronicle of his time taping the show.  

I enjoyed reading The Sportsman.  I guess because I have finally started to consider myself to be an athlete, I just identified with a lot of what he had to say.  I also liked the conversational style of the book: I felt like Jones was honest and open and that after having read it, I really had a good sense of who he is.  And I really like him.  He can be cocky and then humble.  Quirky and then very regular.  I liked how he was really conscious of everything he was doing--the effects it would have on his body, his mind, his spirit but also on how folks would see others like him, namely Black folks.  He speaks more than once about busting myths about Black folks like how Black folks don't travel or swim.  So he understood that when he went to places where there were no Black folks, that he had a lot riding on his shoulder as "the representative" but he doesn't bristle at being that--he embraces it which is not always easy to do.  

It was just really interesting reading about all the adventures he had and all the things he got to do.  All while balancing a demanding football career.  Sounded like a whole lot of fun and a whole lot of challenge.  It was a nice read.  Pretty easy.  In fact, I started to get a tad bored at the end and then I learned that the show wasn't renewed for a third season.  I could see why . . . you can only do it so many times before it's completely done.  I'm not sure if I'll finish watching the show on Netflix now that I've read the book because I already know what's going to happen but I might . . . it might be good to see the pictures that go along with the words.  Anyway, I recommend both the show and the book.  Very enjoyable.  

Z1 is almost 6 years old and really likes audiobooks and music.  I'd been burning CDs for him and letting him use my portable CD player in the car.  Then, "somehow", the player got broken.  (I think Z1 got curious as to it's mechanism--he admitted to touching the lens despite or maybe because of the warning that said "DO NOT TOUCH" lens.  I should have known when he asked me what the lens was--I think I walked right into that one).  I was a bit upset.  I'd had the CD player for a long time and I was thrilled that it had lasted.  Plus, it was great that  Z1 could listen to his stuff and I could listen to mine.  Anyway, I wasn't willing to sacrifice listening to my music in the car so I decided to finally get a new 8GB Ipod for myself and hand down my 2nd Generation 4GB Ipod to Z1.  

It worked out fabulously!  He's got all his music and all his audiobooks on one compact device.  No more fiddling with CDs and CD books.  Good stuff!  Another perk?  He gets to work on alphabetical order each and every time he wants to find something.  We work on alphabetizing in a formal way as part of his spelling curriculum but it's nice to have a real-life application that he uses daily.  

I wish we had switched to the Ipod sooner . . . I may still have had my CD player.  But whatever . . . technology moves on and it's awesome to see sometimes how it simplifies life instead of making it more complicated.  

They Just Don't Go

This morning, I made a simple smoothie for the kids:

1 cup coconut milk (which, happily, Trader Joe's now carries)

10 strawberries

1 mango

Photo Credit

I split the smoothie between two cups and reserved about 1/4 cup of it for myself.  Then I thought that I'd like to have a smoothie too.

I went to my Weight Watchers recipe builder and plugged in the recipe.  One serving is 11 points!  I was very discouraged and ended up not making the smoothie for myself.  I gave the portion that I did drink 3 points though.  

I'm tired of tracking with WW but scared to stop for fear of putting weight back on. However, paleo eating and WW just don't go together.  You can't skimp on fat if you're going to do paleo and WW requires that you do just that.  I'm just hoping I'm getting closer to the point of abandoning WW and trying something else wholeheartedly.  

Book Review: The Girl Who Fell from the Sky by Heidi W. Durrow

I was really not impressed by this book (but very happy to have at least added another book to my 2011 Reading List).  The Girl Who Fell from the Sky was like something I could have read in middle school.  The characters seriously lacked depth and the plot, which was really boring and uncomplicated, didn't make up for it. I guessed at the resolution to the main "suspense" early in the book.   It just left me wanting . . . 50 pages left to the  novel and I couldn't wait to get through it in hopes that something, anything would happen.  And it never did.  Also, I found the style of writing to be choppy and all over the place although I can respect that author's attempt at artistry in her writing.  

I wanted to like this book.  It promised to explore issues of race from the perspective of a biracial girl.  I was hoping for a wonderful peek into how a biracial girl, living in an urban (read: predominantly lower-income Black neighborhood) would negotiate her way in this setting.  The main character, Rachel, seems to deal with issues that would not be exclusive to her as a biracial girl.  The teasing is something that anyone who is different (i.e., who doesn't fall into the "normal" category for a particular culture which in this case is low-income, inner-city, Black culture) can expect.  Things like being ridiculed for not being "black" enough or trying to "act white" or being accused of thinking oneself better or smarter or just different.  And the character of Rachel doesn't handle herself in any way that would stand out.  In fact, the main issue Rachel seems to be dealing with is the psychotic behavior of her desperate mom and the repercussions of bad decisions.  And this is heavy stuff but Durrow keeps it at the cotton candy, fluffy sweet level and we never get to delve deeply into theses issues (and, as I was hoping, how they are complicated by the fact that Rachel is half-Black and half-White).  Some real potential there, I thought.  

The book really just fell flat, unfortunately.  Sorry, I can't recommend this one.