Friday Breakfast

I'm all enthusiastic about posting pictures because we finally got a new camera.  No more taking the memory card out to put it in the card reader to then plug it into the computer.  So since I've got a new camera, I seem to always remember to take pictures of the food! So here's today's breakfast:

This is a tempeh scramble for the hubby.  This is the first time I've actually tried to make a scramble with tempeh. Usually I use tofu but all the bricks of tofu are frozen solid (forgot to take one out to defrost). I also made (steel cut) oatmeal peanut porridge for him with a slice of sprouted raisin bread toast (spread Earth Balance and fruit preserves on the toast).

This is our breakfast (the kids and I):  it's basically fried eggs with lots of veggies.  The kids also got a smoothie made with coconut milk, Greek yogurt, 1/2 a banana, strawberries and pineapple plus a dash of probiotic powder.  I made the smoothie this dense because Z2 isn't a big fan of eggs and probably won't eat much of it.  

Food Battles

Now, I know that I am a pretty picky eater.  I don't really like trying new things and I can pretty much eat the same things over and over ad infinitum.  I thought that I'd be better able to understand and deal with my children.  I know many children are notoriously picky . . . I was prepared to sympathize and work with them.

But let me tell you, it borders on ridiculous sometimes.  When meals are served, my kids will invariably complain that it's "yucky".  It doesn't really matter what it is.  And it's not just because we are transitioning to paleo eating either.  They did the same thing with bean based dishes.  Just tonight, I served chili and Z1 fell out on the floor as if someone had just sentenced him to eating a bowl of fried beetles.  Z2 complained after every bite.  Luckily, they did eat the yam fries without too much of a problem so at least dinner wasn't a complete wash tonight.

They have their favorite foods like pizza (especially), bread and french fries, which I had been very happy to make for them from scratch at home with the best ingredients I could find.  Trying to substitute paleo-friendly options for these favorite foods has been hit-and-miss.  I've tried different kinds of pizza crusts--some with coconut flour, some with almond--and I haven't found one yet that they really enjoy.  I tried the paleo bread from Elana's Pantry and that was wonderful and well-received.  I felt like I hit the lotto when I fried up some yam and it was accepted as french fries.  

But pretty much every meal is met with complaining and tears and a general lack of gratitude.  And I find it very problematic that before they say "Thank You" they will say things like "Not this again--I hate this!"  I understand that making the transition to paleo is hard but really and honestly, it's not the new way of eating that has prompted the complaining.  It's just different foods to complain about.  

I have come upon some sure-fire foods that will be met with smiles all around: meatloaf (I use Sarah's recipe) and millet (non-paleo but it's cool . . . the kids are pretty much 80/20) and Z1 has really taken a liking to roasted butternut squash and cauliflower rice.

I'll admit that it hurts my feelings.  I really feel so under-appreciated because I do spend so much of my time working hard in the kitchen only for folks to spit on the food and act like it's just torture to eat.  I know I need to re-adjust my attitude and not take it so personally but I am trying so hard and they just could not care less.  Never a simple thank you.  I know they are children and they don't really care much about things or people outside of themselves but tonight, I just felt really overwhelmed by it all.  Wishing I could give up and let them eat whatever garbage they want.  After all, we grew up on white rice and chicken and a whole bunch of other non-ideal foods and we turned out fine.  Well, somewhat fine.

I don't know . .. it seems like an issue all mothers really struggle with, i.e. getting children to eat.  I don't know that my mother had all this agitation around mealtimes.  I feel like it was either you eat or you don't.  And that was that.  I guess I could offer them alternatives if they don't want to eat what is served but in reality, any alternative means more work for me because all the simple go to foods that I would usually serve are not paleo.  So I guess I need to figure out a way to make peace with the stage they are in right now.  And really not take it personally.  

Paleo Meals

This was yam fries with sardines.  I sauteed onions, green peppers and tomatoes in coconut oil and added a can of sardines. I think the was lunch on Monday. 

Sorry this picture isn't bigger.  This is the breakfast cookup we have twice a week.  I basically brown two chicken sausage links and then  saute all kinds of veggies in olive oil: onions, green and red peppers, zucchini, celery, tomatoes, spinach or kale.

Sunday Morning Coconut Pancakes . . .

THE BEST PALEO PANCAKE RECIPE

INGREDIENTS

• 6 eggs
• 1 can coconut milk
• 2 Teaspoons vanilla
• 1/2 Tablespoon baking soda
• 1 Tablespoon honey
• 2 Teaspoons cinnamon
• 3/4 Cup coconut flour

PREPARATION

Beat the eggs until they're frothy. Mix the remaining ingredients together. Cook on a griddle (we use an electric griddle because that's all we have right now, but cast iron would be ideal). When you pour the batter, try to keep the cakes small. If they're difficult to flip, cook them a bit longer.

A simple chili I made this morning: browned some ground beef (not the grass fed I usually get from the farm and I can *really* tell the difference), and then added onions, celery, carrots, green peppers, mixed greens, tomatoes, starchy tubers (yam/sweet potato) and some mixed greens.  Seasoned with chili powder, cumin, thyme, garlic.  Added some chicken broth I made a few weeks ago.  It was quick to throw together although far oilier than when I use the grass fed beef.  This was good motivation to remember to get my order in on time.  

I'll try to post some more of the paleo meals I'm preparing. Yes, eating this way means I cook a lot but in all honesty, I would do anything to keep feeling well.  I haven't felt really well in a very long time.  

Power Training Update

I really love the Power Training program, let me tell you.  It's challenging.  It's hard work.  It's fun.  Unfortunately, it looks like I will either have to stop the program only one week in or significantly change it to account for my shoulder.

I don't know when I initially hurt my left shoulder.  I do know that I am weaker on my left side than on my right side.  It could have been while doing chaturanga in yoga or anything really.  But it's injured.  My doctor identified the pain as tendonitis and recommended that I take it easy for 6 weeks.  Of course, I didn't want to stop so I've been trying to work with it by modifying exercises and avoiding certain moves that I know aggravate the pain.  But today, I realized that I really do have to back off.  I was actually gripping my shoulder at the gym and just in my daily, I am finding myself being ridiculously ginger with it.  It hurts when I drive.  It hurts when I pick up my kids.  Yeah, I have to back off.  

I don't think completely stopping my training will work, though.  I am not willing to lose my gains in the weight room and lifting, actually going to the gym to lift is something I *really* need psychologically for a host of reasons I won't detail right now.  So my inclination is to substitute rehab exercises for the vertical and horizontal push/pull portions of the PT program for at least 6 weeks to see if I can heal this shoulder.  I googled around and found this shoulder rehab protocol.  I also found out that Eric Cressey (who wrote Maximum Strength, one of the programs I thought of doing before deciding on PT) is kind of known as "the shoulder guy".  He has written an article in 3 parts called Shoulder Savers which I am going to make time to read:

Shoulder Savers Part 1

Shoulder Savers Part 2

Shoulder Savers Part 3

After 6-8 weeks, I am hoping that I would have healed my shoulder.  At that point, I will probably re-start Power Training as written.  Here's to hoping.  

Photo Credit

Paleo Challenge Update

I haven't had much time to write lately which is disappointing because a lot has been going on!

The Paleo Challenge is still in full effect.  Friday, September 28 marked Week 1 of the challenge and so far, it's going great.  I feel really good and this challenge has given me the opportunity to identify those things that make me feel less than optimal.  

A friend of mine sent me this article "Another Reason You Shouldn't Go Nuts on Nuts" by Chris Kresser who, by the way, has an awesomely informative podcast to which I regularly listen.  Later on that day, I went on to eat some walnuts and I noticed immediately after eating them that I began experiencing some serious bloating and gas.  I had been feeling 100% before having eaten the nuts.  I think that day I had some eggs and turkey bacon.  Maybe some salmon for lunch.  And I felt fine.  Once the nuts went down though, all hell broke lose.  I know that nuts should be soaked but I guess out of sheer laziness or maybe not believing that they really need to be prepped, I have not been soaking them--I've just been eating them raw.  Now that I can see a clear connection between digestive issues and raw nuts, I'm motivated to prepare the nuts especially since my children eat them a lot.  For the time being, I'm staying away from nuts but when I reintroduce them into my diet, I will be soaking them properly and I may even take out my food dehydrator to make crispy nuts.  For pancakes, muffins and other baked goods (which we don't have often at all), I'm sticking to recipes that call for coconut flour as I doubt that the almonds to make almond flour have been properly soaked.  As a matter of fact, just last Sunday, I made this recipe for coconut pancakes and they were a hit!

Speaking of podcasts, I found yet another one that is really informative.  It's the Balanced Bites podcast through which I found the Balanced Bites blog.  What a great resource!  Especially for those of us who have emotional issues surrounding food because although there are lots of blogs and podcasts out there that tackle different angles of paleo eating, so few address the other issues that arise when it comes to food.  Like, sure you know you should eat more good fat . . . but what about if you have serious issues around actually eating it?  Anyway, I just really enjoy the style of writing and the no-nonsense, no-coddling approach to paleo eating and lifestyle.  Diane seems to subscribe to one of my life philosophies:  either you do or you don't.  

In keeping with some promises I made with myself when starting the challenge, 

• I am chanting morning and night.  I miss some nights but I have been really making an effort at consistency.  
• As for walks after dinner, the cold weather we've been having lately has been a huge discouragement and I am still vegging out in front of the computer after dinner with a cup of tea (and coconut flakes).  I don't know.  I think after dinner, that's all I really want to do--to kind of be left alone and have some quiet time before bed.  If I really look at it, it's not a bad thing. 
• I cheated and got on the scale this past Sunday only to find out that somehow, I lost 2 more pounds.  Not good.  So I have been adding coconut oil to smoothies and eating more starchy tubers.  This has been an adventure:  some starchy tubers are just awful.  Others, I really like such as yam and white sweet potato.  But I have not tracked points on Weight Watchers (although I may start tracking on something like FitDay just to check out my macronutrients and see how I'm doing in terms of calories)
• No yoga with the kids yet.  I am just so tired at the end of the day, I just want them to go to sleep.  Fast.  But I'm not giving up on this one just yet.  If I can at least commit to shutting down the computer at 8:00PM, we can get it done.  
• I am still meal planning although I haven't posted a plan for this week.  Here's to hoping I can get it up here for next week.  Really quickly though, I roasted a chicken and butternut squash for Saturday, Sunday and Monday.  Today is pizza for the guys (baked fish, yam fries and broccoli for me), chili for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday dinner.  

So all that to say, I'm doing well on the challenge.  I don't know how many folks are actually doing it along with me but I'm so excited about how fabulous I feel and encourage you to at least try it.

Starting Power Training on Monday

I'm really excited to be starting Men's Health Power Training by Robert dos Remedios on Monday.  The program comes highly recommended both by reviewers on Amazon and by members of JP Fitness forums.  Honestly, I like the plain and very clear writing and the philosophy behind the programs in the book is solid.  There are a dozen different exercises in this book that you plug into a prescribed framework which means that you can mix and match infinitely and never get bored.  Here's what I've chosen:

Full-Body Workout for Strength Training (Weeks 1-3) Workout A Explosive: Power Clean Knee Dominant: Front Squat Hip Dominant: SL Rom DL Horizontal Push: Bench Press Horizontal Pull: 1-arm standing cable row Vertical Push: Push Jerk Vertical Pull: Side to side pull up Rotational: Seated Russian Twist Bridging: 3-pt. Plank Workout B Explosive: Power Snatch Knee Dominant: Drop Lunge Hip Dominant: Good Morning Horizontal Push: Standing Cable Chest Press Horizontal Pull: Modified T-Bar Row Vertical Push: DB alternating press Vertical Pull: Single Arm Lat pulldown Rotational: Corkscrew Bridging: Plank Walk Up

Each workout is going to be pretty long since I am still trying to keep to my three times a week lifting schedule and each workout includes all these exercise plus a 5-minute warm-up, a mobility circuit and a lifting circuit.  I hope I can keep to three times a week but if the workouts drag on too long, I may have to switch to a four-time a week program.  

I had hoped to try a CrossFit class last Thursday but Z2 got a pretty bad respiratory virus and had difficulty breathing.  We ended up at the hospital for 2 nights and I missed the class.  I was kind of bummed about that but very happy that my baby felt so much better after his hospital stay.  I guess I will try a CrossFit class once I'm done with the 12 weeks of PT.  

So here's what the week looks like in terms of fitness:

Sunday:	Long-ish run in 2:2 work:rest intervals (for the duration of the Paleo challenge, I'm going to forego 1-2 hour runs in favor of shorter, interval runs
Monday	PT workout A--short cardio such as skipping rope (?)--we'll see how it goes
Tuesday	Interval workout and/or yoga and foam roll
Wednesday	PT Workout B--short cardio such as skipping rope (?)--we'll see how it goes
Thursday	Sprints on the track (1:2 work:rest intervals) and yoga
Friday	PT Workout A--short cardio such as skipping rope (?)--we'll see how it goes
Saturday	Yoga/foam roll

Thursday/Saturday Salad

For a while now, I've been making a salad for Thursday and Saturday lunch.  I just fell into the habit because 1) salad is easily transportable and eatable which is great for work on Saturday and 2) it's easy to double the recipe.  My salad is pretty simple with lots of delicious ingredients.  When I first started to make it, I would add whole wheat pasta to it.  When I went gluten-free, I replaced the whole wheat pasta with gluten free pasta.  And now that I'm eating paleo, I just skip the pasta altogether but I've added a couple of things to replace it, most notably, more greens.  I would argue that it's even better without the pasta.  This is a big salad--makes 2 servings--and it's very filling especially if you add 1/2 an avocado to it (but I hate to mix avocado into a salad)

Thursday/Saturday (Paleo) Salad

one bag of organic mixed greens, baby spinach, or arugula (I really love arugula)

one can of wild salmon* or tuna packed in olive oil

3 carrots, finely diced 

3 celery stalks

one cucumber diced

1/2 green pepper

1/2 red pepper

1/4 cup diced onion

2 tbsp. fermented relish

2 tbsp. sunflower seeds

1/4 cup finely diced sun-dried tomatoes

juice of 1/2 a lemon

salt and pepper to taste

*if using salmon, add 2 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil

Toss all these ingredients together (I use my hands) and divide evenly between two bowls.  

The sun-dried tomatoes really add a nice color and a hint of sweetness to the salad.  I think this salad is wonderful and I love to play around with it.  Sometimes I add slivered almonds instead of sunflower seeds.  Sometimes I use basil or garlic-infused olive oil.  Sometimes I use apple cider vinegar instead of lemon juice.  

A salad is one great, quick, portable, no fuss way to get in lots of veggies (including fermented veggies which are great for the probiotics), good fats and protein.

Here's another salad I enjoy too.  

Weekly Meal Planning

I realize that in order to cook paleo for me and my kids, I have to plan a little better than when I was cooking vegan meals for the whole family.  I have to plan so that I can stay within our weekly grocery budget and not be forced to do grains or beans just because I don't have enough vegetables and meat.  So now, at the beginning of the week, I come up with a rough sketch of what I'd like to make for our main meals.  

Here's what this week is looking like:  

Sunday/Monday/Tuesday

spaghetti squash

tomato pasta sauce

turkey meatballs

steamed broccoli

Wednesday/Thursday/Friday

Chicken stew

dirty cauliflower rice

steamed asparagus

Saturday

Pizza (coconut crust for the kids)

salmon and salad for myself

I try to keep it pretty simple since I'm also cooking vegan meals for the hubby and preparing breakfast and lunch (paleo and vegan).  I'm exceedingly grateful for two things: refrigeration and the fact that my family doesn't require a brand new meal everyday.  It seems we all are fine eating the same thing for a couple of days in a row.  Switching it up every week provides enough variety. 

Breakfasts around here are pretty predictable:  

Monday/Wednesday

Chicken sausage stir fry (lots and lots of veggies: kale, eggplant, celery, tomatoes, red and green peppers)

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday

boiled eggs, turkey bacon, millet (for the kids and sometimes I have some) and almond butter

Friday

Fried eggs (lots of veggies) or egg cupcakes

Sunday

pancakes (whole wheat) and soy sausage (for the hubby)

paleo pancakes (for me)

oatmeal waffles (for the kids)

chicken breakfast sausage (for me and the kids)

Lunches generally consist of salads made with either salmon or tuna, baked fish (usually flounder, cod or salmon) alongside steamed veggies and sometimes sweet potato fries, or turkey deli slices wrapped around avocado and tomato with lots of carrots and other veggies on the side.  

Snacks are pretty easy: nuts, trail mix (I make this by combining coconut flakes, nuts, seeds, and raisins in a bag and shaking), Lara Bars (either homemade or purchased), organic beef jerky, fruit, guacamole and plantain chips (or baby carrots), and yogurt (although I'm trying to phase this out or at least do better and get back to making it at home).  

So I'm going to make an effort, especially during the duration of the 30-Day Challenge, to make a simple post about what my meal (dinner) plans are for the week.  

30 Day Paleo Challenge

For the most part, I have been eating paleo for the past few weeks and I have been feeling wonderful physically.  I notice that after eating grains, I definitely feel more sluggish and drowsy but about 20% of the time, though, I indulge in non-paleo foods such as popcorn (my weakness), sugar (in the form of dark chocolate and sometimes going overboard on fruits), and dairy (a treat for myself has been non-fat plain yogurt with blueberries and a tiny bit of gluten-free granola).  So I really wanted to challenge myself to go whole-hog for a month and see how I feel.  And I'm finally ready to start. 

There's will probably be a challenge thread going on Nappturality so if you're a member there, look for it.  One of my favorite members on Nappturality, swingbolder, suggested that the challenge start on Friday, September 23, 2011.  It's the fall equinox, the first day of autumn so it presents a great way for us to "really get in touch with our paleolithic ancestors  by aligning our actions and intent with the cycles of the sun, just as they did thousands of years ago."  That just made so much sense to me.  

I'm taking this 30 day challenge as an opportunity to make some other changes in my life. I've fallen into the habit of just vegging out in front of the computer after dinner.  The kids watch their show and I watch mine while having a cup of tea, dark chocolate and coconut flakes.  I've been telling myself it's just a way to unwind but really, it's just a way to disconnect which is sometimes all I want to do at the end of a long day with the kids.  My plan for this 30 days is to not use the computer at all after dinner (at least not to watch Netflix or check e-mail or Facebook or do anything internet related).  I want to get back into the habit of chanting or meditating after dinner and then doing something to connect with my children.  A walk around the neighborhood.  Board games.  Reading stories or listening to audiobooks.  Even practicing our French with Byki.  These are things that I've been claiming I don't have time for but really, I do.  All I have to do is choose to do those things and not other things.  

Also, as fate or luck or whatever would have it, I picked up the August issue of Yoga Journal at the library and in it was an article about how to use yoga with one's kids as a nighttime relaxation/de-stressing technique.  I have not found any convenient ways to consistently practice yoga with the kids and have it as a real part of their lives so this article was timely.  Because I'm nixing the television watching, we won't spill over into the 8 o'clock "start getting ready for bed" time trying to finish a show and we should have more time between 8 and 9 to read stories and practice just a bit of yoga.  It's just such a better way to get ready for bed: relaxed and happy not stressed, rushed and upset.

And lastly, for these 30 days, I am committed to not tracking what I eat or what I weigh on Weight Watchers.  As a matter of fact, I'm going to get the kids winter clothes down from the attic (since it's been so cold these past few days) and I am going to take the bathroom scale up there.  I could write a whole post about how tracking has become borderline neurotic for me but I'll spare you the gory details.  I'm going to work hard to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full and take the time to figure out why I want to eat when I'm not even hungry and why the scale means so much to me (control issues).

I am looking forward to this wonderful opportunity to break some really addictive behaviors that have become part and parcel of my life and that really sap my energy and joy.   And I invite you to join me.   

Not sure how to eat paleo?  Over at Mark's Daily Apple, a 30 day challenge started a few days ago.  Mark provided some great guidance.  While I'm doing a paleo challenge (which is just slightly different from primal in that paleo eliminates the sugar and the dairy), it's a great place to get an overview of what to eat and what not to eat during these 30 days.  (I actually think that after the 30 days I will probably re-incorporate dark chocolate but not as an every day thing and I want to eat yogurt again, albeit yogurt that I make at home.)  

What are some changes you'd like to make?  Are you ready to make them?

Image Credit

Do you know the ice cream scoop trick?

You may or may not have heard but an ice cream scoop is a great way to evenly measure out and dispense batter for cupcakes/muffins into the baking pan.  I whipped out my trusty ice cream scoop this morning to make almond apple muffins (recipe courtesy of Everyday Paleo).  They are very hearty and quite tasty--you definitely don't miss the sugar. The kids can't get enough of them!  :) Oh, I made two modifications: I didn't have apples so I used a pear and I added a 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg.   I oiled the pan with coconut oil and they still stuck pretty badly so the clean up is going to be a task.  For the future, I think, I'm just going to use cupcake liners--I have to remember to pick some unbleached ones up next time I'm at the grocery store. 

Arts and Crafts

So, I am not the biggest arts and crafts person.  Sure, I like to knit and crochet but when it comes to crafts with my babies, I'm not the most creative or the most motivated.  But there are a few projects that have piqued my interest and that I think the kids will enjoy:

1.  Rubbing Plates

We've done rubbings with leaves before so it's not a totally new concept. I purchased this set and I'm pleased with the quality and how nicely the rubbings come out.  You need to use printer paper though: the pictures didn't come out quite as well using construction paper.  And the rubbings look quite professional if you use colored pencils and not crayons.

2.  Loom and Cotton Loops set

I did this at day camp as a child and I remember being so thrilled to have made something that was actually useful.  I think this activity will also help build fine motor skills.  I hope to get a basic set like the one pictured.

3. Candle Rolling

I actually bought a candle rolling kit last year and so I'm looking forward to finally getting around to it.  I think the kids are a bit more mature and this might be more fun than disaster this year.  

I still don't see myself committing to many more art projects but I'm glad to have a few lined up.  

Need something different for fitness!

This past Monday (Labor Day), I ran my first 10K Race.  It was the Labor Day Marathon and it was very laid back.  The trail was in Van Cortlandt park and was very challenging in some places.  There were a good number of hills and some gnarly areas where you literally had to walk very slowly or risk serious injury.  I had a good time.  I'd even say it was fun.  And opportunities to do fun stuff lately has been few so it was really good for my morale.  The 10K really drove home the point that I do not like to run for long distances:  the 6+ miles was perfect and the race came to an end just when I thought it should.  So now I'm really not feeling any more excited about the upcoming 1/2 marathon.  I'm totally undecided about whether I'm actually going to run it or not.  I guess I'll know closer to the day.  Right now, though, I'm pretty sure that if I do run it, I will probably run 10 miles of the race and maybe walk the rest.  I am definitely, definitely not a long-distance runner.   

And the more I think about it, the less excited I am about any form of exercise, including lifting, despite having a ton of options for my next lifting program from which to choose.  I may be suffering from burnout.  Over these last few weeks, I've been following my 1/2 training program to a tee.  Cross-training on non-running days (doing intervals on the exercise bike or floor aerobics in addition to strength-training) which means that I really haven't had any real time to recuperate.  And if my left eye, which has been twitching for the last few weeks, and this suspicious pain in my left shoulder, is any indication, I need some serious down time. 

According to my training plan, I was supposed to do a 45-minute easy run today.  But I was up late last night and it's cold and damp outside.  These are usually not good enough excuses to not push myself but I'm giving myself an out.  I'm just not in the mood and I want to get excited about fitness again . . . I want it to be fun again.  Not drudgery.  

I've pretty much decided to give CrossFit a try--I need something different.  There are three CrossFit gyms within 30 minutes of me.  One of them doesn't have any 6:00 AM classes. One has a CrossFit Elements class, basically an intro to CrossFit: 4 private sessions for $160. And then this one, which has reasonable prices, early class times and got some good review on Google.  

Baby Days are Over

Z2 weighed 38 lbs. last time I weighed him.  Only 2 more pounds, and he would be at the upper height limit for his car seats.  I had always thought that when the time came and I needed to replace his car seats, I'd go with the Sunshine Kids Radian 65 seat.  It's a super narrow seat and is the one Z1 has.  The idea was that with two of the super slim seats, I could fit a third seat (specifically a Graco SnugRide) in the back seat of my '05 Subaru Outback.  I actually researched it because I had read that many folks had difficulty getting three seats in the back of my particular car.  This configuration of the two Radian 65s on the outboards seats and the Graco SnugRide in the center was supposed to work, i.e. you could get a tight fit for all three car seats.  

Then on Thursday of last week, I received a flyer from Toys R Us.  In it, the Graco Nautilus 3-in-1 Car seat was on sale for $129.99.  On top of that, they were having a trade in event where you could get 25% off another item for each item you bring in.  I already have a Nautilus for Z1 which is in his dad's car.  It's an awesome seat because it's 3-in-1: harnesses up to 65 lbs., belt positioning high back booster up 100, and then a backless booster.  Theoretically, it's the last car seat you'd ever have to buy which is great and with the coupon I'd get for trading in both of Z2's car seats, they would cost me about $105 each.  Sweet deal.  But it's a pretty wide seat--nowhere near as narrow as the Radian 65.  Now way at all to fit a third seat in the middle.  

And that's when I started to feel really, really sad.  And like I had to make a decision quickly.  The sale would not last forever and the question that I've been grappling with for months needed to be answered now.  

As you may or may not know, the hubby definitely does not want any more children.  I, on the other hand, do (or did).  I'd always envisioned myself with a big family of four kids.  I thought I'd drive a mini-van and even knew the one I wanted (the Nissan Quest).  But the reality of it was that I was alone in this desire.  I know now that this is a serious issue that we should probably have talked more about (even though things and people do change so there's no guarantees we would have been able to avoid this issue).  I was under the impression that the hubby would be okay with 3 kids.  He wanted 2.  I wanted 4.  3 was a good compromise.  But is there such a thing as compromise when it comes to another living being?  Well, we had many long discussions.  There were tears and anger and frustration.  Eventually, the hubby relented and we started to try for a third.  But by the time this happened, I was super ambivalent about it.  I felt like I had forced the hubby's hand, yes, but more than that, I realized a few important things.  Firstly, from a financial standpoint, we are not totally in the  position to have another child.  Sure, we could make it work but in all honesty, our small apartment and cars accommodate 2 children perfectly.  With careful planning and budgeting, we are living comfortably, can give our kids things like swim and piano lessons, can go on modest vacations and even put some money aside..  Yes, we would adjust to a third child and it would be joyful and awesome to meet another one of our creations but it would stress us.  It would stress the hubby because he would feel like he'd have to work and it would stress me because when he's out of the house working, I'm at home working.  And the kind of mothering I want to do is super intense--co-sleeping, exclusively nursing, baby-wearing, cloth diapering--it takes energy.   Which brings me to the next point, from a resource standpoint, I am still struggling.  The children are either under my care or the hubby's care 99% of the time.  We cannot afford a nanny or consistent babysitters.  And I'm struggling to find a homeschool community for support.  We simple don't have the social resources/capital to have another child at this time.  But every day that passes, as my kids age, I gain a little freedom to do those things that I've been putting on the back burner.  I can focus on my fitness which I really enjoy.  I get longer clips of time to write.   It always boils down to time (just wait and the kids will grow and you can do more things) or money (make more so you can do more things).  Time, I hope, I have.  Money, not so much.  Yet despite all this, if the hubby showed some enthusiasm about having another, I could comfortably put all these concerns aside and keep trying.  Without his unyielding support, though, it feels selfish and stupid and the doubts are loud enough for me to say, no, I shouldn't keep pushing.  

So I've been pretty broke up these past couple of days accepting that Z2 is my last baby.  I feel pangs of jealousy and sadness when I see moms with their three or four children.  It feels like yet another dream that I just have to let go.  But I am and you know what?  It's helping me appreciate what I already have.  At least, I no longer drive around with mini-van envy.  

I pulled the trigger and went on ahead and bought the two Nautilus car seats.  The purchase of these two seats feels like the closing of a wonderful chapter in my life.  For now and perhaps forever, my baby days are over.  

Content to Make Do

In choosing motherhood, or rather, in choosing to be a mother the way I am (full-time, stay-at-home, homemaking  mom), I feel like often I have to put things that I want to do on the back-burner.  There's my writing, my career, traveling, and oddly enough, spiritual pursuits and endeavors.  Typically, I'm fine with that especially since by the time my youngest is old enough to pretty much take care of himself, I will not even be 40 years old.  I think and hope I'll have plenty of time to accomplish all those things that I can't really focus on now. 

I mean, it's just the nature of the game.  If I want to exercise in the morning and do anything spiritually focused, I have to get up early--like around 5.  If I am too tired to manage getting up that early, I have to skip something and lately it's been the spiritual stuff.

I've been practicing Nichiren's Buddhism as taught by SGI for the last 3 years.  When I first started practicing, I was very enthusiastic.  It seemed like something I could stick to and the teachings really resonated with me.  Basically, it said that I could be happy and I could determine how I want my life to be just by chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo.  I believed it and I did manifest some wonderful things in my life such as my Saturday job, the income from which has enabled me to do a lot of things I probably would not have been able to do.  (Ironically, most of those things involve the very thing that vies most tenaciously for my time: fitness, i.e., running shoes, weights, gym membership, DVDs.)  Anyway, as time has gone on, my practice has fallen to the wayside.  There are the time constraints:  sometimes I just don't wake up early enough to practice and the evenings get so hectic that it seems impossible.  I had been putting serious pressure on myself to chant morning and evening and it just started to feel like a chore so I pulled back and then my practice just seemed to disappear.  I couldn't find the balance between effort and ease in the practice.  And then I started to question some of the teachings.  I already had issues with how the SGI organization treats its leader President Ikeda.  I have little tolerance for people worship (blame it on the fact that I'm a pastor's kid) and I just didn't find much of what he had to say all that inspiring--not enough to revere him as my "sensei".   I also started to become uneasy with certain things like the whole "priesthood issue" (a complex and heated breaking away from the original Nichiren Shoshu school) and the sayings of Nichiren himself which seem to knock other schools of Buddhism and honestly, tend not to make that much sense to me.  But beyond that, I started to feel like this form of Buddhism--or at least how it's espoused by SGI--was not in line with what the Buddha actually taught.  Here I am, energetically chanting for the things I want to get and facing serious disappointment about not being able to get them and then being told that I just needed to chant more.  But I had learned and experienced that once you get what you think you want, there's always something else to get.  And the Buddha teaches about getting rid of attachments.  He taught that desire is the root of all suffering.  I just couldn't reconcile the two.  I mean, I guess I believe in the idea of calling things into one's life and at the basic level, that's all chanting is but I started to feel that I needed something more.  And then  to add complexity to the whole thing, I started feeling like I needed a quiet, more contemplative practice.  Something reflective.  I had started to feel that maybe one day I would like to lead a monastic life--maybe not forever but for some time.  I needed to get to know my mind and learn how to deal with my thoughts and emotions in an effective way--something I didn't seem able to achieve practicing Nichiren's Buddhism. I then read this interview with bell hooks and right in the opening lines, she says what I had been starting to feel:

Tricycle: What was your first exposure to Buddhism?

bell hooks: When I was eighteen I was an undergraduate at Stanford and a poet and I met Gary Snyder. I already knew that he was involved with Zen from his work, and he invited me to the Ring of Bones Zendo for a May Day celebration. There were two or three American Buddhist nuns there and they made a tremendous impression. Since that time I've been engaged in the contemplative traditions of Buddhism in one way or another.

Tricycle: And that excludes Nichiren Shoshu? Which is the only Buddhist organization in America with a substantial black membership?

bell hooks: Yes, Tina Turner Buddhism. Get-what-you-want Buddhism—that is the image of Buddhism most familiar to masses of black people. The kind of Buddhism that engages me most is about how you're going to live simply, not about how you're going to get all sorts of things.

Tricycle: How do you understand the absence of black membership in contemplative Buddhist traditions?

bell hooks: Many teachers speak of needing to have something in the first place before you can give it up. This has communicated that the teachings were for the materially privileged and those preoccupied with their own comforts. When other black people come to my house they say, "Giving up what comforts?" For black people, the literature of Buddhism has been exclusive. It allowed a lot of people to say, "That has nothing to do with me." Many people see the contemplative traditions—specifically those from Asia—as being for privileged white people.

She said it right there:  I wanted a form of Buddhism that teaches me simple living not "gimme" living.  I started to feel that this is the reason why Nichiren's Buddhism became popular in the first place: give people what they want.  It's just not what I needed.

So I started to look for other schools of Buddhism or meditation nearby so I could go and learn and see if there is perhaps a better fit for me.  And this is when I started to get seriously frustrated.  Most meetings are on days when I can't make it because I've got my kids and the hubby is not off.  They are usually at 7:30 or 8:00 which would be great if I had a 9-5 job and no other responsibility but these times are horrible for me because that's when I need to start putting my kids to bed.  If it wasn't the time issue, it was the fact that these meeting places were so far away--with 20 minutes driving being the closest and almost an hour being the farthest.  The last straw was when I started to look into Transcendental Meditation, a form of meditation my good friend started some time back that helped her overcome depression and get motivated.  I mean, her transformation was miraculous.  It cost quite a bit of money to learn the method but I was willing to try to work out a payment plan.  I go to find a local teacher and the closest one is 40 minutes away.  Great.  Well, I could get around time and distance by hiring a babysitter but seriously?  We haven't even worked a babysitter into the budget yet for our so-called monthly date night . . . I have to be honest, it feels a bit selfish to hire a babysitter to work on spiritual stuff that may or may not be beneficial to me.  

So, like so many other things in my life right now, I'm putting this spiritual quest on the back burner.  I can't deal with the frustration right now . . . it kind of sends me to a dark place and how crazy is it that in trying to find spiritual enlightenment, one ends up there?  I've recommitted to chanting nam-myoho-renge-kyo morning and night but not for anything tangible.  I am just using it as a meditation--trying to stay focused on it totally while I'm doing it instead of letting my mind wander all over the place.  I also do a little bit of breath-watching meditation after I chant which gives me the piece of quiet meditation I need.  I'm reading books by Thich Naht Hanh and Pema Chodron and listening to insight meditation podcasts on Itunes.  When the time is right, I believe, I will be introduced to something that will fulfill my need totally.  Right now, I'm just going to work on being content to make do.  

There is a lot going on in the kitchen on Sunday mornings!

I spend quite a bit of my time (and money) on food.  The hubby is vegan and the kids and I are making the transition to a low-grain/paleo diet so I am often in the kitchen cooking especially since 99% of all our meals, I make.  Anyway, I've been cooking lots of different things from Everyday Paleo and so far, I'm very pleased with everything I've tried! Yesterday was my first attempt at paleo-style cookies.  I made Nutty Cookies.  The only substitution I made was a cup of applesauce for one banana.  I also added a couple of chocolate chips (seriously, like 2 tablespoons because that's all we had left).  

They came out fabulously.  Very delicious.  The kids gobbled them up.  I realize these are a great snack since they have no refined sugar in them at all.  And the kids really regarded them as a treat!  

Sunday mornings, I usually do pancakes.  When I realized wheat bothered me (and Z2 is also very sensitive), I started to make oat waffles.  As I transition away from grains, I've been experimenting with more paleo style pancakes.  Last week, I made the ones from Everyday Paleo but the kids didn't like them and they were far too dense for me.  Today, I tried this recipe for paleo-style pancakes and I thought they were awesome.  And hours later, I'm still feeling satiated (not so with eating oat waffles--unless I have two whole ones, I'm sure to be hungry again soon.  So I think these pancakes are the ones I'll stick with even though Z2 didn't like them and ate oat waffles (Z1 at least gave them a shot but he ended up eating regular wheat pancakes).  Anyway, this is what our breakfast spread typically looks like:

Those are the paleo pancakes on the far left.  You can see the oat waffles and to the far right are the wheat pancakes.  

Here are Applegate Farms breakfast sausages (sage flavor) for the kids and I and soy chicken nuggets for the hubby.  I also brewed a pot of Ethiopian coffee for the hubby and I to share.  There is a lot going on in the kitchen on Sunday mornings!

Usually, I do all this cooking after a long run.  Last week, I did 10 miles.  After breakfast, I feel utterly exhausted.  But I'm running a 10K race tomorrow and decided to take it easy today:  I just did an hour of yoga.  I feel really good and not tired at all.  So I'm thinking about changing the day I run to Saturday so I can relax on Sunday.  

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you what our Sunday mornings look like in terms of cooking.  

P.S. Sorry for the poor quality pictures.  Our camera is about to die.