I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. In a lot of ways, being a mother to young children, especially being the kind of mother I want to be, is restrictive. It's an "either/or" situation. Because I desire and strive to be an "Earth mama" of sorts, I find that 98% of my life revolves around my children. 98% of my time is devoted to my children. 98% of my energy goes to them. So with the other 2% I've got left, I try to feed me. But that 2% doesn't seem to be enough.
Two percent of 24 hours is exactly .48 hours. That's right. About a half an hour. Thirty minutes a day is generally what I have to myself. Of course, I try to squeeze out more time than that and that's why I'm usually doing my "things" at 3 o'clock in the morning. But that time is not really mine. I'm supposed to be sleeping. But even with the great squeeze I try to accomplish, I find that I'm usually too tired to do the things that would actually make me feel like I'm making progress.
Like editing my two children's books and getting them ready to send to publishers. Like writing chapter 2 of my memoir. Like starting an exercise routine and incorporating more raw foods into my diet so that I can feel better and lose the 40 pounds I'm still holding on to. Like learning more about and starting a Buddhist practice. Like meditating consistently. Like reading the way I need to in order to stay sharp and current in my academic field, in order to stay intellectually stimulated. I'm just too tired.
So I feel like I'm stagnated.