Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stagnation

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. In a lot of ways, being a mother to young children, especially being the kind of mother I want to be, is restrictive. It's an "either/or" situation. Because I desire and strive to be an "Earth mama" of sorts, I find that 98% of my life revolves around my children. 98% of my time is devoted to my children. 98% of my energy goes to them. So with the other 2% I've got left, I try to feed me. But that 2% doesn't seem to be enough.

Two percent of 24 hours is exactly .48 hours. That's right. About a half an hour. Thirty minutes a day is generally what I have to myself. Of course, I try to squeeze out more time than that and that's why I'm usually doing my "things" at 3 o'clock in the morning. But that time is not really mine. I'm supposed to be sleeping. But even with the great squeeze I try to accomplish, I find that I'm usually too tired to do the things that would actually make me feel like I'm making progress.

Like editing my two children's books and getting them ready to send to publishers. Like writing chapter 2 of my memoir. Like starting an exercise routine and incorporating more raw foods into my diet so that I can feel better and lose the 40 pounds I'm still holding on to. Like learning more about and starting a Buddhist practice. Like meditating consistently. Like reading the way I need to in order to stay sharp and current in my academic field, in order to stay intellectually stimulated. I'm just too tired.

So I feel like I'm stagnated.

2 comments:

blackgirlinmaine said...

Girl, I have been where you are and its a hard place. I found that when I gave that much of myself to my little one, I felt like I was losing my mind. Parenting is intense work but I think its important to have balance. It was when my my little one was 8-9 mos that I had to start taking time for me, initially it was baby steps, like attending WW to lose my baby weight.

Anyway just wanted to say you are not alone, its even harder when you want to be that Earth Mama type.

Hope you find your balance. =)

Helen said...

Oh yeah. I hear you. I don't think it is in any way related to being an "earth mother type"- because in responding to your children, you are remaining aware of yourself and not closing off any part of your psyche. It does pass, and you do come out of it- for me 9 months post-partum is a big step, and then somewhere in baby's third year is another.

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