It's the End!!

So Shay over at BGIM reminded me that today is the day before the last day.  I am cracking up just typing that.  

I've seen the billboards while driving but I really just didn't care enough to investigate who was behind them.  Why?

This Harold Camping guy put me through a lot of shit already back in 1994.  I was getting ready to enter the 7th grade and this dude had me straight convinced that the world was most definitely coming to an end.  I'd listen to his call in show every night on Family Radio (one of the few radio stations that my parents sanctioned) before bed and hear this crazy nut case rant and rave about how according to his calculations, the world was coming to an end in September.  Right before the new school year started. 

Oh, to be sure, I was on my p's and q's.  I was praying.  Reading my Bible.  Fasting.  Getting right with the Lord.  Doing anything and everything I could to make sure that when Christ returned and the roll was called up yonder, I would be there.  I was worried, ya'll.  Stressed because despite knowing (or hoping with all my heart) that I was saved, I wasn't completely sure and what about everyone else?

My mom tried to reassure me.  Telling me that Christ would come back as a thief in the night and that no one knoweth the time nor the hour but boy, that Camping sure was convincing.  And I was impressionable.  

Look, man, I don't know why this dude is still on the air and why after the first prediction did not come true, they'd give this guy the platform to make another wrong prediction?  Who really cares if the world is ending tomorrow?  What can you do about that?  Who knows if the world will end at all?  They say all things come to an end but they also say that God has always existed and will always exist.  I mean, the whole thing is just so outside of our cognitive reach as human beings, does it really make sense to contemplate it?  

I certainly have better things to do with my last 24 hours.  

One thing I really loved when I was trodding RastafarI and I really like about Buddhism is the concept that judgment is not some impending thing.  Your judgment is already taking place the very moment you commit an act.  So I'm not worried in the least bit.  Let the cards fall where they may.   And I hope that on May 22, 2011, they finally kick this dude off the air.  Stop polluting our airwaves and giving people agita.  

Comparing my Travel Mugs

So, yes, this is another post about hot beverages.  What can I say?  I like to drink hot things.  Even in summer.  An avowed tea lover must travel with her tea and so in this post, I wanted to talk about one of my favorite things:  travel mugs.  I have two insulated travel mugs which I love dearly.  Each of them has qualities that I really like. 

The first travel mug I ever purchased was the Contigo 16-Ounce Double Wall Stainless Steel Vacuum Insulated Tumbler.  (I have the green one, green being my favorite color.)  The best thing about this mug is that you absolutely cannot spill it (it doesn't leak at all) and having two young children, this is a seriously good thing.  It keeps tea warm for about 2 hours although it claims to keep hot drinks hot for four hours and cold beverages cold for 12 (but granted I have never tried a cold drink in it). Two hours is not bad but it's not great either.  Really, the only problem with this mug is that it's terribly difficult to clean the lid.  It's one solid piece so no matter what I do, it won't get totally clean.  The best I can do for it it so soak it in warm, soapy water.  I avoid putting coffee or other strongly flavored hot beverages (like the instant ginger tea I sometimes have) in it because I can't get rid of the taste.  

Now, just to show you how serious I am about my hot tea . . . 

One Saturday, I left my Contigo mug at work.  Not being able to imagine going a whole week without my mug, I went back to my workplace on Sunday to try to retrieve it.  Now, if you know me, you know I hate to drive but I was willing to make the trip for my mug.  As luck would have it, the building I work in was locked and I couldn't get in so there I was.  Stuck.  With no mug.  I decided to head over to Target and see if I could get something comparable.  I would have been happy with another Contigo but I was open because I was not completely satisfied with it.  

So I went to to Target and headed over to that section.  They had lots of options but I wasn't really familiar with the other brands (or they were lined with plastic which is a total no-go for something that will be used exclusively to hold hot beverages).  I ended up picking the Thermos Sipp 16-Ounce Stainless Steel Travel Tumbler.  I expected to pay about $25 for it but when the cashier scanned it, it rang up as being $12.  Far be it from me to argue.  I skipped out of there with my new mug thinking I couldn't go wrong with a $12 Thermos brand mug.  And I was right!  Heck, I would happily have paid full price for it.  It keeps my tea hot--really hot--for hours and hours and hours.  Even if I leave some hot tea in it overnight, it will still have some warmth to it in the morning.  I love the way the thing looks and since you can take apart the lid completely, it's very easy to clean.  When it's properly closed, it does not spill or leak--not even a little bit.  And that's perhaps the only drawback: you can spill it and I have a few times.  To drink, you have to depress a button at the top.   There have been times I've forgotten to press the button to close it again and the way the button is, it's difficult to tell sometimes if the top is open or closed.  Also, there are two slits on either side that you can drink from so you have to actually look at the top to make sure you're putting your mouth on the right place or else you can spill it on yourself.  Oh, and then there was that time I forgot to put the lid back together before screwing it onto the top of the mug and hot tea spilled all over the contents of my bag but that's hardly Thermos' fault.  So all-in-all, I have to be a bit more mindful when using the Thermos mug but I think I prefer it to the Contigo just because it works so well at keeping tea hot.  This helps me tremendously because I really like hot tea.  It makes me have to slow down and savor the drink which means that I am less likely to drink more tea which is good because I like to put a teaspoon of sugar and a teaspoon of French vanilla coconut milk creamer in every 16 ounce cup of tea I drink and that adds up in terms of Weight Watchers points.  Also, drinking tea keeps me from mindlessly eating.

So yes, in the contest between the travel mugs I currently own, Thermos wins but I recommend both of them.  

On another note, yesterday at the thrift store, I found a French press.  Now, before my coffee maker's decanter broke, I would not have had the faintest idea of what a French press does but since I had to do research on appliance-free ways to make tea, I discovered it.  It's the Shin Bistro by Bodum and I bought it for $4.99.  This morning I used it for the first time and we had the best tasting coffee ever!  I'm sold!  :)

Yay for hot beverages!!

Book Review: The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan

I wasn't sure if I should read The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan after just finishing The Road.  I thought it might be too much sorrow and suffering but surprisingly, it was the perfect book.  I mean, I really enjoyed reading it.  It was uplifting and so full of . . . love.  My spirit felt buoyed after reading it.

Ms. Corrigan was diagnosed with breast cancer and this book chronicles her journey.  But honestly, the cancer was a backdrop to the wonderful story of her life:  a life where family (both the family you're born into or create and the one you build made up of friends) is pivotal and is, at the end of the day, all that really matters.

I don't have much to say about The Middle Place except that it was such an enjoyable read.  I thought at times that Ms. Corrigan didn't take the cancer seriously enough but I know that's not true having read her other book Lift.  I thought, in a weird, twisted way, that she was fortunate that her father (and you can feel the love and devotion she has for him) had cancer while she had cancer because it forced her to not be hyper-focused on her own suffering.  I think that made all the difference in the energy that permeates her story.

I mean, the book touched me.  I think Ms. Corrigan is an engaging person--someone I'd like to be friends with.  She's had an interesting life and so much of how she approached the whole thing is how I would have approached it.  She's not particularly faith-filled (though she was raised by two people with unshakeable faith in God like me) and yet, she made it through something as harrowing as cancer.  Also, in that time before she knew it was cancer, she had the horrible thought that maybe she wanted to have cancer just to see how she'd perform.  Now, my life has had some bumps and bruised but I've never been tested to that extent.  It's kind of a sick admission . . . I was relieved to see that that I'm not the only one who has ever thought those kind of thoughts.  And then there's the children issue:  how she knew all her life that she wanted to have lots and lots of children and how she was faced with the possibility that it might not happen.   And how irritating it can be when people say, "You should just be grateful for your two" because it's not that you're not grateful for what you have.  It's not that at all.  It's that you're so grateful for the experience of meeting these wonderful small people--flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood--you want to meet as many of them as you can.  

So, yes, I identified strongly with Ms. Corrigan and I'm so happy to have read her book at this point in my life.  I've had it for a while (picked it up at the thrift store some time ago).  It was nice to read a book without feeling the pressure of a due date.  And I need all the low-pressure uplift I can get.

The Demise of the DS

I have a secret. Well, it kind of feels like a secret. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, Z1's Nintendo DS, the one we bought just 3 months ago, got really wet. He accidently left his water bottle open in his bag and the water spilled all over it. We tried to dry it out and even replaced the battery but it won't power on. The DS is over. I had mixed feelings about getting the DS in the first place so I was also feeling ambivalent about it's destruction. Maybe “good riddens” but also “what a waste of money!”

What surprised me most about the whole situation was that Z1 was totally nonplussed. When he first got the DS, all he wanted to do was play it. I was placing all kinds of time limits and working out all kinds of deals with him about how and when he played it. But true to his dabbler nature, he moved on after a while finding intense pleasure in dot-to-dot puzzles (which he has since abandoned).

On the one hand, I was happy that he wasn't broken up about the destroyed DS but on the other, I was annoyed that he couldn't care less that it was ruined. I blamed it on the fact that it's his nature but my good friend pointed out to me that the DS is a very social kind of video game system. It's made to play with others. I mean, that's what I've noticed these days about video games: it's not one guy holed up in a room with his games. It's a community of gamers. I used to hear my nephew talking to my other nephew, who lives all the way on the other side of the country, strategizing about a certain video game they were playing.

So once again, I found myself really having to take a look at our homeschooling and assessing it. The one thing that lacks is a community. A real homeschooling community that we can count on for support and that we belong to.

Now homeschoolers are quick to point out that there are plenty of opportunities for real socialization for a homeschooled child. If you understand what socialization is, you realize that traditional schools do not really offer children opportunities to really socialize. The interaction is forced (based on age) and controlled (based on the need to teach and/or manage large groups of people at one time) but at least, at the very least, it's interaction. So while I started to think that the solution to our lack of community might be school, I know it's most likely not. But then what is? I don't know.

My secret is that I don't have the unflagging confidence that other homeschoolers have, that Z1 is socializing enough and getting all he needs in that respect.  (Even writing that feels like I'm breaking with the ranks).)  I don't think Z1 gets enough consistent time with other children. He's fast outgrowing story times and most of his friends are in school all day. With one income, we cannot afford to do 32,000 different classes in hopes of forging connections or interacting, either. There are tons (and I mean tons) of things to sign kids up for in the city. Some are geared towards homeschoolers (homeschooling "schools) an learning centers and some are just general but we have to come out of pocket. And for me, living right outside of the city, I have to consider the cost of getting into the city (both economically and physically). We've joined the YMCA, which is great because he gets to do all kinds of things with different teachers and the cost is low. Often, however, the other children know each other from school or (this is really the one that makes it difficult) the groups/classes are never consistent. What that means is that he might do Pike 1 Swimming with one group of kids and do Pike 2 Swimming with a totally different set. He doesn't get to know the kids and I don't get to know the parents. We go, take the class, mind our own business and go home. There is little to no connection. At least if we were a traditionally schooling family, we'd have that connection. The fact that we all belong to the same school community connects us. No matter what homeschoolers say, school is a community, forced or not.

Don't get me wrong: I have tried and am trying doggedly to make strong connections with other homeschoolers, build a community based on homeschooling. If folks can build even a temporary community based on traditional schooling, certainly I can find or build a community based on non-traditional schooling. But honestly, everyone seems too busy. If it's not forced, it seems like it won't happen because given the option, folks will opt out of making real connections. And I have to be honest: my pride gets in the way. I push and really try to have playdates and get-togethers. If one suggestion doesn't work, I'll try another. But I hate to feel like I'm begging folks to hang out, pleading with folks to build community with me, imploring folks to see the importance of it all. I start to wonder what is it that everyone else is so busy doing that I'm not. Why do I feel such a void and others don't? Doesn't this lack of community and connection bother anyone else? What's wrong with me?

Let me be honest again and say that I had felt this way for a long time in my own personal life. A real inability to form close connections that stick. I had decided that I would stop trying and the closest thing I had to a girlfriend (you know what I mean by this—a real soul sister) was my blood sister. Only recently has this started to change and so it gives me hope that it will change for homeschooling too if I just keep going and accept the situation as it is right now knowing it won't always be this way. I mean, I'm really holding on here. It seems like I'm making headway, meeting homeschooling folks, getting somewhere, and just as I start to get excited about it, something happens (kids get enrolled in school, folks move away or just stop communicating) and I'm back at square one.

A part of me knows that this struggle to really connect is something that society at large is dealing with especially with all the social media available now. People are just too busy to meet and visit. Even a phone call seems to be too much for people to muster. I get that I have made the conscious decision to live counter to our prevailing culture and any time you do that, you find yourself isolated until you find folks who've made similar decision. And I know they exist—just not where I live. I know that this would probably not even have been an issue if we lived in another place. But we are not in a position to move (and how do you figure out something like "is there a real, cohesive group of  homeschoolers here"  before you move anyway) and so I'm just focused on attracting like-minded folks to me.

Well, it seems that perhaps if Z1 had some friends to play DS with, he might have been more upset about it's demise. Before we bought the DS, I didn't even know how I'd feel about him and a bunch of his friends sitting around playing DS instead of running and jumping and playing physically. But what I have learned from the DS experience is that eventually, I can trust that Z1 will go do something else. I actually know that most kids, given ample space and time, will only use the DS as one way to spend their time.

The DS has also reminded me about this darn socialization issue. When I tell others that I'm homeschooling and they respond that they couldn't “do that” to their kid because their kid is too social, I don't even know what to say. I just nod and say, “It's not for everyone”. I'd like to put on a brave face and stand in defense of homeschooling, bold and emphatic like other homeschoolers (many homeschooling bloggers and message board posters) but yeah, it gets isolating and it's one damned good reason to think long and hard before anyone decides for or against it. You've got to do your research and figure out what you can deal with and what you cannot. Because to say that it gets really intense around here sometimes is an understatement because Z1 relies on me to play with and do things with him a lot. We get a lot of face time. And sometimes, just because I'm a human being, I want to be left alone and I wish he'd go find someone else to play with. But there's isn't any one.

Anyway, I'm looking to sell all the accessories we bought for the Nintendo DS Lite so if you need a case for yours, chargers, extra battery, etc., etc., I have it for you. ;)

Does how you keep your house really reflect your self-esteem?

Photo Credit

I think I was reading Shay's blog (BlackGirlinMaine--really well-done blog by the way) and she mentioned the book Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy.  I don't know but I'm always looking for "daily books", you know, books with an entry for every day of the year.  Maybe it's a holdover from the days when my family used to do morning devotions with Our Daily Bread (and later I did it on my own with Campus Journal which no longer seems to be in print.)  Anyway, I really enjoy Simple Abundance and I want to purchase it (right now it's on loan from the library).  The entries are not necessarily deep or heavy (especially compared to the books on Buddhism and meditation that currently sit on my altar) but they are thought-provoking and (perhaps this is why the book appeals to me so much) down-to-earth.  Practical.  Little reminders to find the joy and pleasure in life.  To get back to your authentic self.  And revel in it.

Today's entry focused on housekeeping, i.e. how we keep our home:

How we care for our home is a subtle but significant expression of self-esteem.

When I read this, I kind of balked and/or smirked and thought that how we care for our home is more so an expression of how much energy/time we have.  I got on the defensive--even though I keep a pretty clean and orderly house.  When most people visit, they say they feel comfortable and at home.  Now, my house would never make it into any home decorating magazines.  None of our furniture matches and many of our pieces and decorations we have because someone handed it down to us or we bought what we could afford (usually second-hand).  But I try very hard to keep the house tidy.  I have a housekeeping schedule that I try to stick to and while the windows could certainly use a good cleaning, I am meticulous about keeping the bathroom and kitchen especially very clean.  I never go to sleep with dishes in the sink and I sweep the floor every evening.  

Does this show that I esteem myself highly?  I am 100% sure that failing to do these things definitely does not make me feel good about myself.  But is that a good thing?  Some days, I am so tired and stressed that I really do need to let it go.  Instead, I feel just terrible about myself for not doing them.  Like I am not complete if I have not done the chores I set out to do that day.  And I drag myself to do them.  Where's the self-compassion?  Where's the self-love in that?

I also realize that my penchant for a neat and organized house comes from the fact that I grew up in a house that was the opposite.  Things were always scattered everywhere.  It was always cluttered.  And my mom, who suffers from severe asthma, had a very difficult time keeping it clean.  So my drive to keep my home this way comes from a serious psychological need to distance myself from that chaos and establish for myself a surrounding that I can enjoy being in.

So I don't know . . . what do you think?  Is your housekeeping a reflection of your self-esteem?  Or is it just what it is? 

Book Review: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua

I wasn't sure when I'd get this book from the library. I was probably number 386 on a list of 400 library patrons who'd put this book on hold.  Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is the much talked about memoir by Amy Chua in which she chronicles how she raised her daughters according to the "Chinese model" which is the opposite of the deeply flawed Western model.  

I think the most interesting thing about this book is that Chua was born and raised in the U.S.A.  From the outset that means that she doesn't have firsthand knowledge of what the Chinese model is.  Nor does she have intimate experience with what it yields or where it comes from.  She does have some evidence, at least, in the person of her father and her youngest daughter that the Chinese model which she holds as the pinnacle of good parenting, didn't and doesn't always work.  Yet, she nobly forges ahead to demonstrate how Chinese parenting is superior to Western parenting.

Chua is careful to note that Chinese parenting is really just the type of parenting that is extremely hands on and controlling--authoritarian.  Children do what their parents say and that's the end of that.  Parents set the goal and children achieve them.  There's no negotiation.  No choice.  And, apparently, no fun.  Chua, it seems, systematically thwarts her children's chances at having a fun childhood inserting piano and violin practices during vacation and long into the night.  For her, fun seems to be a luxury her children can't afford and don't deserve.  

It was almost painful to read some parts of this book.  I think the most heart-breaking scene for me is when Chua is chiding her elder daughter Sophia about some rice that the dogs got a hold of and scattered all over.  Sophia, who usually quietly and calmly puts up with her mother's controlling and over-driven personality blows up (finally) and tells her mother not to take her anger over her little sister Lulu's rebellion on her.  Why?  Because being 13 is tough.  Sophia says she knows this firsthand.  Chua has no clue whatsoever that her daughter found being 13 tough and at this point, the girl is 16.  I mean . . . it really struck a serious chord with me and sent a pang of pain through my body.  So focused on the goal, the dream, the vision that you ignore the persons who are sacrificing to make your vision reality.  I know about that.

At the same time, I get it.  The stereotypical Western parent is lax and does let their kids do whatever they want to do and quit when they get ready.  They don't push their children enough and they let their children run the show.  But I think that the pendulum shouldn't swing too far in either direction:  it shouldn't be control and manipulation and threats to get the desired behavior.  Just as it shouldn't be giving in all the time and having no defined limits for kids to get the desired behavior.  Each of these scenarios sends children mixed messages about if they are loved because the love that's bestowed is conditional upon the behavior.  And as Chua showed in her book, the Chinese model doesn't always work although, depending on personality, it can (potentially--Chua's daughters are not yet grown at the time the book was published).

I will say I admire Chua's gangster though.  I can't think of anything I want my kids to do so badly that I would drive 2 hours to and fro every Sunday to practice or sit for 5-6 hours at a time to do. I mean, I have to give her her props.  She studied the music right along with her children and really put in a lot of effort and energy, physically and emotionally to force her kids to play the piano and violin not just well but excellently.  And I believe in excellence but I'm not sure if I'm willing to pay the price, namely a tense and cold family life where everyone is on eggshells.  Chua was.  It's all about priorities.

So the big question is did Chua raise daughters the way she did for their sake or for herself?  For a long time in the book, Chua had me convinced it was for the good of the girls but as the story progressed, I had to change my tune.  She kept manipulating and controlling even after she saw it was just no good for her second daughter.  Their success at piano and violin she felt was a direct reflection on how good of a mother she was.  Nowhere in there did she seem all that concerned about her daughters' well being.  Forget happiness for a moment.  What about health?  

Chua chalks it all up to being true to the Chinese model.  But the Chinese model exists because it is a different society.  A society where very few can make it--only the very best.  The only way parents can give their children a leg up in life is if they make them to be at the top no matter what.  A look at immigrant parents reveals that they were in a very risky and precarious situation where it was sink or swim.  So they had to work doggedly to make it.  Nobody was giving them a hand up.  The odds were stacked against them.  They simply translated that mind state and work ethic to raising their children.  It was necessary for survival and making it in a new land.  Chua has already made it here and admits to it. Her life is quite solidly middle class so it's not a survival issue here.  Had her daughters never been concert pianists or violinists, they still would have had an excellent chance of leading successful lives.  Plain and simple, it's an ego issue for Chua.  An ego trip (I have to point this out) that would not have even been possibly if Chua was not solidly upper middle class.  She was tossing out numbers for gowns and teachers and talking about family vacation and such . . . these are things that Chinese parents/newly immigrated parents would not be able to do.  They simply would hope that they would set it up so that if their grandchildren would like to, they could.  (But I understand Chua not wanting the grandchildren to jack up the upward progression with mediocrity and a lackadaisical attitude.) 

I get that children will want to give up when something gets challenging.  But, especially in raising Z1, I know that if I show a bit of disappointment when he is ready to give up, he will suck it up and try.  That is how important it is to him to please me.  And at 5 years old, it's very easy for me to manipulate this deep desire to get him to do things.  I mean, the things I want him to do I believe are for his own good but I don't know, I want to bring my children to do things not to please authority but for that things merit.  I think about trying to teach Z1 to count  money and how I kept hitting a wall.  A few months later, he got really interested because he wanted to start buying things.  Teaching money became really simple and he's really gotten the concept.  I know this probably won't apply to everything but I think it probably applies to the majority of things.  The problem is I am not patient enough to wait.  And I need to control these things too, so it can happen when I think it should not when it's the "right" time.

So I struggle with my own inner Tiger Mom.  Raising two Black boys in this world, I'm 100% sure I want them to excel academically and I definitely want them to master an instrument.  They don't have to become concert violinist or pianists but I want them to really excel at an instrument.  I know that part of that has to be talent but honestly, I believe you can make up for lack of talent with hard work.  And so I do push my kids to work hard.  I push them when they say they can't (and I know they can), I challenge them and I insist they can't give up.  I believe in them with my whole heart and so I push them. I do agree that it's challenging to know when to back off but I want to think that my common sense and my gut will tell me when I really need to let it go.   It's something I meditate on a lot.  I also realize that much of my drive and work-ethic is derived from my own parents Nigerian parenting which is similar in flavor and execution to Chinese parenting.  Mediocre never, ever cuts it.  

Anyway, I get the sense that Chua has  a lot of inner demons she's struggling with herself and so I can't be too critical. If children are your karma, or rather, a way to work out your karma, Chua did and is doing a hell of a job for better or worse.

Book Review: The Road by Cormac McCarthy

I just finished reading this book.  I first heard about it when Oprah had the author Cormac McCarthy on her show.  I'm always wary of books that Oprah recommends.  I have tried to read Oprah's book recommendations on a few occasions and have really wondered how it could be that we had read the same book.  This one is different though.  I really enjoyed it.  

The Road takes place in post-apocalyptic America.  Everything is burned down. There's ash everywhere. Nothing grows.  Pretty much all hope is lost. A father and his son try to make their way down South where the weather will be milder and where they might find a way to survive. The story basically chronicles their dangerous journey.  

I think what I liked most about the book is that the story is focused on the relationship between father and son in this desperate situation.  You can feel the strength of the love between the two of them despite the constant threat of death.  It's that love that keeps them going even though they are starving and cold.  

I was touched by the father's resourcefulness and bravery. Impressed by his will.  I was moved by the boy's innocence (despite seeing and experiencing a lot of horror) and how he has broken the world down into bad and good and how he struggles with having to cross the line into "bad" territory in order to preserve their lives.  

The book caused me to ponder human nature and what happens when it seems like all hope is lost.  What do human beings do when faced with the seeming necessity to devolve (in the name of survival)?  Turns out that some refuse to give in to their more base instincts of survival.  And some do so readily.  Turns out that it's not so different when times are dire than when times are good.  

Anyway, I really liked this book. It's not for those with a weak stomach:  there are a few disturbing scenes and references. The writing is choppy and punctuation is scant but I liked it.  It really lent to the overall mood of the book and the characters' states of mind.  

Ella Fitzgerald Reigns Supreme

Yesterday was Ella Fitzgerald's birthday.  I can't express how much I love Ms. Fitzgerald's music.  Her style.  Her voice.  Her artistry.  She was just such a treasure and really set the standard high for what music should be.


Just One of those Things


Mr. Paganini


Goody Goody


Stone Cold Dead in the Market (my kids love this one)


A Tisket, A Tisket (my kids really, really love this one too)

Ella's music is masterful.  I listen to it and it picks up my spirit.  You can tell that she really loved music and loved to sing . . .


I like good music too Ella!  Thank you so much!

Being a Mom versus Being You

I was inspired to write this post after reading this entry over at Navelgazing Bajan's blog.  Truth be told, I kind of find it annoying . . . the sentiment that being a merely a stay-at-home mom/homemaker might be enough for some women.  (But really, it's not enough, hence the term Mommy+).   I totally understand the need to be something, do something outside of being a mother but I like what Navelgazing said in this post: 

If there’s anything I learned from being unemployed, it’s that I like to be the primary determinant of where I spend my time. So, over the next year I’d like to find a way to earn a steady paycheck while spending my time in ways I find fulfilling, and that includes being my son’s primary caregiver.

This has been my focus, I realize, since the moment I found out I was pregnant and I have not yet found a way to do it.  Being a stay-at-home mom, while not my total ideal, seems to be what works best right now and I enjoy it and would be hard-pressed to change it.  [(And in my real life, I don't know any (voluntary) stay-at-home moms where this is not the case.)]  It's not that I don't miss adult conversations and being asked my opinion.  It's not that I don't miss interacting outside of the home.  It's not that I don't miss my freedom.  It's not that simple.  

But I'm not interested in arguing about that.  I completely understand the underlying sentiment: you were a person before you had children.  After children, it feels like mothering becomes your primary identifier no matter how vibrant a life you had before them.  The feeling is even more pronounced if you've chosen to be a stay-at-home mom because then you have to make a seriously concerted effort to maintain that part of you that was and always will be (albeit changed in some fundamental ways).  For some women, it is impossible and being a mother really does take over and sometimes becomes a choking kind of prison that they must find an escape from.  Hopefully, they find a safe and acceptable escape and/or regular break from mothering.  Other mothers find ways to cope and find a kind of balance somehow (usually by developing or becoming part of a supportive network--supportive of whatever it is that's a big part of her life be it web design or knitting or mothering itself) or finding work that's fulfilling both as a mother and as a human being.  

Personally, I recognize how important it is to maintain a sense of myself and not become consumed with mothering.  It is important so that I don't grow resentful and so that I don't lose myself because, let's face it, children grow up and move out and what is left is . . . you. But here's the complex part: getting married and having children at a young age didn't give me the opportunity to really get to know myself.  And learning who you are, who you aren't, what you like and what you hate in the midst of being a wife and a mother is tricky and frustrating to say the least.

I work hard to keep on doing the things I used to enjoy doing before children but it's surprising when I realize I don't enjoy those things as much as I did (or thought I did).  Actually, I realize I don't enjoy doing them in my current situation (i.e. with young children).  I used to love to read but I find it kind of infuriating having to stop every 5 minutes to referee a fight.  I sometimes feel like I'm just waiting for them to grow up so I can do me again.  And yes, I've found new interests (such as weight lifting and meditation) but I have limited time (and energy) to focus on and develop those interests.  And truth be told, sometimes these new "interests" start to feel like chores given my constraints.  The question that keeps haunting me is, "Who were you before kids?" and the answer that comes back is, "I don't know" or "Nobody".  It leaves me with a lost kind of, grappling feeling.  Like trying to recover something you never even had.  I kind of envy women who can list all those things that they were and now, as mothers, are not.  At least, I reason, they have some kind of direction as to where they are trying to go or get back to.

That's just being real.  

Some folks might say, "Just go back to work full-time--you won't have time to focus on this stuff and you'll have a daily purpose and rhythm" and sometimes I think that would be a good solution.  It wouldn't fix anything fundamentally but at least we'd have more money [and theoretically maybe, I could plug up the emotional/spiritual holes with cool stuff like an IPad and a smart phone].  But I can honestly say that making more money means spending more money (I've got a long list of things in addition to the IPad and smart phone that I would buy if I had the money) and I can see how I could end up right back at this point but with a whole lot of extra stress [from an outside-the-home job] and stuff.  

Sometimes, I swear, it feels like such a luxury, such an untenable goal to live life on one's own terms.  But I am finding the determination to live all aspects of my life: mothering, crafting, writing, etc . . . just that way.  

Examining My Relationship with Food

The first person I heard talk of having a relationship with a thing was Suze Orman.  She says that our relationship with our money speaks volumes about our mental/spiritual health. Other people have echoed the same sentiment when it comes to food.  Perceiving how I deal with money or food as a relationship makes a great deal of sense to me on a very basic level and I see how my mental/spiritual health directly relates.

Photo Credit

If you've been following this blog for any amount of time, you know that I lost 40+ pounds on Weight Watchers.  It wasn't particularly hard for me to do it.  I've watched more than one person really struggle on the program, feeling constricted and like a failure for not being able to follow the plan.  I never say that Weight Watchers can work for everyone because there's one big aspect of my personality that WW fed right into: my need for control.

Oh, I like control.  I long since recognized that I couldn't control anyone else.  As a child I remembered feeling like that because of the relationship I had with my parents (and witnessing their relationship with each other).  And so I developed into a woman who is very disciplined, very orderly and very in control of herself.  I love folders and other organizational devices.  I imagine my mind as one big filing cabinet.  The biggest criticism I receive from those close to me is that I am regimented.  I find it hard to deviate from the course I have set for myself and I experience great disappointment and sadness (bordering on depression) if I "let myself go".  In short, I never let myself go with the flow.  I make the flow (damn it).  

This tendency carries over to how I deal with food and why I think I was so successful on Weight Watchers.  I have no problem--even enjoy--tracking a week's worth of what I am going to eat.  Planning everything that goes into my mouth.  And sticking with the plan.  I derive deep satisfaction from sticking with the plan.  If I successfully stick with it, I feel elation.  If I don't, I feel like I have let myself down.  I don't feel bad about eating "bad foods".  I feel bad about not following my plan.   

So what's wrong?  What's the problem?  Every one wants to be more disciplined and have more will power and stick to their plans.  I'm at my goal weight.  Healthy.  What have you.  But I feel like eating should be intuitive.  You should eat when hungry.  Stop when full.  I eat when I should.  And stop when I eat how much I had planned to eat to meet my daily points target.  To top it off, I usually shut down when I eat.  I avoid paying attention to my food usually by reading.  I tell myself that I'm reading while I eat because it's the only time I really get to do it.  This is true in part but it's not a good enough excuse.  I also eat quickly.  Even when I try to eat slowly, I find myself eating fast as if I just want to get it over with already.  And I have always had a rocky relationship with food.  I am a picky eater.  One of the pickiest adults I know.  I don't like trying new things and now there's the added component of avoiding foods because I have no idea what the points values are for those foods.  My relationship with food is one of rigidity and control.  It's not pleasant.  It's not enjoyable.

There is only one point in my life (post-puberty) that I can pinpoint where I really relished eating and that was during my first year of marriage.  The hubby and I ate a lot.  Big breakfasts.  Big lunches (think double decker veggie burgers).  Big dinners (lots and lots of pasta).  I put on 10 lbs. in my first year of marriage but I did not care . . . didn't even notice.  I was just having fun.  

But like many things in life, that fun didn't last and now eating has turned into a serious affair.  No lightheartedness.  No spontaneity.  I don't bake anymore because I can't "afford" the points.  And when I do bake, I think of each cookie, muffin, slice of cake in terms of points and my plan.  

It's all deeply and painfully intertwined with my quest to find out what I have been eating that's been making me feel so badly.  I haven't quite placed a finger on it but as of late, so much of the time I don't want to eat (even though I may need to) because I don't want to feel worse.  (For what it's worth, I've come to the conclusion that my gut is damaged from years of eating things that didn't agree with me namely soy and other beans/legumes and wheat.  I am not eating those things now and following a regimen of slippery elm, probiotics and prune juice--and I hate prune juice.)

So maybe I should quit Weight Watchers but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me panic to think of not tracking.  I *really* wanted to quit when they overhauled the old program (because, of course, as a person who likes control, I am not comfortable with change).  But I didn't have the balls to do it. 

I've read books such a Geneen Roth's book but usually the target audience is people who overeat; who can't control how much they eat or control themselves around food or who are really strict with themselves and then fail and feel terrible.   I don't think of foods as good or bad.  I don't feel guilt at having eaten a whole bag of chips.  I'm more concerned about whether I have enough points to eat that food or not and will chide myself more so about the points than the food.  I don't know how to explain it really . . . there's a serious disconnect between the food I eat and me.  It's just one more thing for me to meticulously control.  I've read books about mindfulness in eating and all that. But honestly, my relationship with food is a manifestation of my mind state and so beyond reading books, I'm steadily searching for a practice that allows me to get grounded and centered.  On a deep level, I know that there needs to be some fasting-- complete separation from food for a while so that I can gain some clarity about why my relationship with food is the way it is.  Once I finish NROL4W, I probably will.  Nothing major.  Just a day here and there.  And I will try not to track during that time.

Anyway, doing Weight Watchers and achieving my weight loss goals has really been a great opportunity catalyst for examining my relationship with food.  

Happy Thrifting!

For me, thrifting can be addictive and can get costly.  I reason that I'm saving money (and I am) but I need to really save money, that is not spend money.  So I made an agreement with myself to avoid the thrift store for three months, basically until mid to end of April.  I'm happy I kept my word to myself.

Yesterday, though, I ventured into the thrift store.  I only spent about $11.00 but I felt really happy about my purchases.  My main reason for going to the thrift store was to find a bag.  I needed something with lots of pockets and compartments.  It needed to a shoulder bag (when we go into the city, I usually carry Z2's stroller on one shoulder and my book-bag really makes it difficult).  I was disappointed when I couldn't find a shoulder bag but thrilled when at the last minute, I found the Skip Hop messenger style diaper bag and it only cost $3.99 although it retails for $80.  It's in excellent condition too.  Perfect.

 Box of Knitting Patterns, Crochet Book, pull out Dora the Explorer book--$3.00

 Cute tote/reusable bag perfect for carrying stuff for my crochet class--$1.00

 Wool Sweater--$2.00

So, a pretty good haul, I'd say.  And I won't be back at the thrift store for some time.  :)

Stove-Top Coffee

A few months ago, the hubby and I started having coffee together a couple of times a week. We stick to Ethiopian coffees.  We were introduced to it by our friends who lived in Ethiopia for some time.  I was re-introduced to it by my good friend who I went to visit last August.  Her husband is Ethiopian and they enjoy it pretty regularly.  

Before having Ethiopian coffee, I always thought I did not like coffee. Loved the smell. The taste?  Not so much.  But I like Ethiopian coffee.  It has a mellow and even flavor.   I still don't like it enough to drink it everyday plus I am an avowed tea lover.  But I really enjoy having it with the hubby. 

Photo Credit

Anyway, my dad gave me a coffee maker and I was making the coffee in there for a few months until I broke the decanter while washing it.  Well, when I went to find the replacement I realized it would cost almost as much as a new coffee maker!  We don't drink coffee enough to justify actually buying a coffee maker and I did not feel like going through the effort of asking on Freecycle.

My friends who'd lived in Ethiopia made their coffee on the stovetop.  Heck, folks have been drinking coffee for centuries without coffee makers.  So I decided to figure it out and lo, and behold, it's not hard at all.  

First I boil some water and steep the coffee grounds in a 1 tablespoon coffee grounds to 1 cup fresh water ratio for about 5 minutes.  I strain it (using the filter that fit in the coffee maker) into a pot.  I bring the coffee to almost boiling and then pour it into a Thermos so it will stay hot until we're ready for it.  It's pretty effortless and I think I prefer the way the coffee tastes when I brew it this way.  

I'm glad to re-claim some of my precious counter space and I'm actually pretty pleased at how easy it is to make coffee without an appliance.  I feel like I did after I lost the paddle for my bread-maker and figured out how to make bread using my stand mixer.  Liberated, in a way.  

La Biblioteca

If you know me,  you know I love my library and I have loved the library since I was a girl.  Also, I have been especially fortunate to have always lived within walking distance of the library.  

In the last year, our town's library has threatened to close down twice.  Each time, I have gotten really worried and sad that such a wonderful resource should be facing closure.  Surely monies could be allocated in a different kind of way to make sure that something as important as the town's library (for goodness sake) remains open.  To me, it really spoke to the priorities of the people who live in my town.  When I decided to be more compassionate and understanding, it really spoke to me about what the people who live in this town are focused on instead: survival.  This economy has ravaged folks and my town is no exception.  It is split down the middle by the proverbial train tracks.  On the south side you will find projects, gang activity and all the other accoutrements of the ghetto.  On the north side, it might as well be a different town:  beautiful houses and well-to-do families. The south side folks are focused on eating and, well, staying alive.  The north side folks are, it seems, trying to make sure to have as little to do with the south side folks as possible.  In fact, they often call the north side a totally different name just to make as much distance as possible.  There's a commuter train close to that side and it's actually closer to walk to the neighboring town's library if you live on the north side.  The town's three best schools are also only available to you as a town's person if you live on the north side.  And so the town's library, which is (sadly) situated on the south side, suffers.  

Photo Credit

I, however, have been faithful to the library through it all.  I hold it dear.  Even if I can't get material that I need there, I can always do an interlibrary loan and there is no charge (and some town's libraries do charge for a hold).  I don't know: to me a library is invaluable.  Information or access to information is priceless.  I have been doing all I reasonably can to let the folks who run the library and run this town know that at least one family would take a serious hit should the library close.

I've often thought that one good way to breathe life and vitality into the library is through children's programs.  Parents (generally speaking) will bring their kids to a program they know their kids will enjoy.  Every Tuesday we go to a play/story time program.  They instituted this Tuesday program specifically for parents and their children since the Wednesday and Thursday programs had become overrun with daycare children.  The librarian who usually runs the program on Tuesday is a little odd.  I mean, he doesn't like to make eye contact with the adults but he puts on a pretty decent program for the children.  I really like that he puts some thought into picking the books he will read and the kids seem to enjoy it, I guess.  But he loses their attention because, truth be told, dude is boring.   The librarian who runs the Wednesday and Thursday storytime, however, is just more alive.  He gets out the CD player and puts on music the kids like and really engages with them and with the adults.  His book choices, though . . . yesterday he read a Maisy lift-the-flap book.  And I had to remind him that Hop on Pop is hell of long.  I was underwhelmed.  

So I'm not totally thrilled with the quality of the programs at our library and I actually make it to the story time a few towns over once a week so that my boys get a really good story time hour.  I wonder if it's chicken before the egg though:  are the programs not high quality because the town's people don't care or do the town's people not care because the programs are not high quality?  I can't be sure.  But I'll continue to go and show my support because even if it's not great, it's what we've got and it could be a foundation for something better.    

P.S.  Thank you Mama T for reading my blog and letting me know you did.  You inspired me today.  :)  

Z1 learns the Piano

Music is very important to me.  I really love and appreciate all kinds of music and have always had a strong desire to make music either using an instrument or my voice.  I've played the recorder, saxophone, violin and piano.  The piano, though, has always been my true love and I sincerely wish that I had gone further in my studies.  

Because I love music, it's one thing that I knew I would have to share with my kids so we listen to lots and lots of it.  One day it could be all Ella Fitzgerald and next day we're listening to Burning Spear and then the day after that it's Yo-Yo Ma.  But I also really want them to play music.  Now, I know you can't force these things on children but I determined that I was going to do my best to expose them to all different kinds of musical instruments to see if they naturally took to any one.

Photo Credit: http://www.mysterytrax.com/Bio.htm

Well, we started Z1 with violin at a church a few towns over.  These are low cost classes with about 8 or 9 other children in the class.  The boy does not like the violin at all.  I think he finds it difficult to physically play the instrument.  May be will take a liking to it later on.  Currently, though, it's not his cup of tea.

So on the recommendation of some homeschooling friends we know, we started him in private piano lessons.  They are not cheap but he really, really loves it.  I don't have to cajole him to practice or go to his lesson and he likes his teacher.  I like her too.  She is funny and charismatic and just brings piano playing to life.  I'm very pleased with her style and how much Z1 is learning.  

We don't, however, have a piano.  We have a small keyboard on which Z1 practices.  I'd like to get a real piano soon but we really don't have a place to put it unless we move some things around.  We'd have to get rid of the television cabinet (which houses the television, VCR, DVD player, receiver and Roku).  I'm thinking we could put the piano there and get a small flat screen television to mount on the wall.  The other electronics could easily fit in a small cabinet that I'm sure we could find at the thrift store.   I'm fairly certain it would be easy to get a piano for a decent price just from taking a quick survey on Craig's List.  We would have to pay someone to move it and probably would need to get it tuned.  I'm excited about the prospect of having a piano in the house not only for Z1 but for myself.  I would love the opportunity to get better at playing.  

Funnily enough, Z1 learning a new instrument has reminded me about how much I have always wanted to play the bass guitar.  Sometimes I listen to certain songs over and over just for the bass lines:

and

With all the books, DVDs, and YouTube videos available coupled with my good foundation in music, I know that I could probably teach myself.  So I'm on the lookout for a bass guitar and an amplifier.  

Something has happened over the last few months to a year:  I've lost my passion for a lot of things.  Things that at one point I couldn't imagine not being passionate about.  Writing.  Knitting. Crochet.  Reading.  Cooking.  Baking.  Almost everything, it seems like.  I often feel like I am just going through the motions and not much excites me.  Even though almost every morning I'm reading about being mindful and present.  There are a lot of reasons for this--mostly deeply personal so I won't go into them here--but the thought of getting a piano and a bass guitar finally made something move inside me and I am hoping that this will re-trigger my other passions.    

Anyway, I am glad Z1 is on an instrument that he likes.  It means that I don't have to be all "Tiger Mom" on him about practicing and being diligent in his study.  

It's been a while . . .

I didn't realize I hadn't blogged in a month.  I've been really busy with my boys and life in general.  Also, I've really been suffering with digestive issues. Really suffering.  I cannot place a finger on what it is that makes me feel bad.  I have taken things out and put things back in.  Sometimes I feel better.  Other times I feel worse.

For the past week, I've been feeling much better but I don't want to get too excited.  I am eating a minimal amount of grains: some rye bread here and there (really just to finish the loaf I have at home and then no more of that), a small bowl of millet or oatmeal (once the oatmeal is done, I'm nixing that too).  No beans. (This is a definite:  no matter how the beans are prepared-soaked, fermented, whatever, my body does not know what to do with them.  Two tablespoons of lentil curry the other night had me gripping my stomach in serious distress--heck, even grain fed turkey is a problem for me). Very small amount of nuts and no peanuts (peanuts are legumes also and cause havoc in my system).  I'm keeping up with my probiotics and cod liver oil too with more consistency.  I feel good but I am tentative.  I know that it could slip back into feeling very bad, very soon.  Sadly, I almost expect it.

On Monday, I'm going to another gastroenterologist to see if I can schedule an endoscopy. I have very little faith in the medical establishment, all of who swear that my diet is ideal and "very healthy" even though it has been making me very sick.  But I'm going to do the endoscopy just fulfill all righteousness and say that I've done everything "medically prudent" to get better.  

Currently, I'm looking into the Paleolithic diet.  It's a bit overhwelming because it such a drastic departure from what I'm used to eating. Even more drastic than becoming vegan.  But honestly, I need to do what I need to do to feel consistently good.  I'm tired of feeling tired and sick.  I have no illusion like I did when I started eating a vegan diet:  I don't expect the Paleo diet to magically make my allergies go away, my vision improve, my hair grow in thick, my skin glow and become blemish-free.  But maybe.  Can't hurt to try. I'm moving gradually toward it.  Acquiring some cookbooks.  Reading as much as I can.  Trying to overcome the mental resistance to change.  And trying to be brave enough and generate enough energy to do it by myself (it would be so much easier if the hubby were doing it too--I am literally cooking twice as much these day: one meal for my family and one meal for me).  

Anyway, I just finished reading a very good book called Olive Kitteridge. Looking forward to reviewing it in a later post.