Tuesday, January 19, 2010

And now I lay me down to sleep

Often before I go to bed, I feel the urge to pray to God. This is despite the fact that I'm in a place where I am unsure about God. I don't understand God and while I don't know if I would want a God that I could completely understand, I don't feel able to trust a God I don't. I don't feel warmly towards God necessarily. I don't feel like God is my Mother/Father or that God takes care of me. I'm not really sure if God loves me. Or if God even deals with love since love is more so a human emotion and feeling. Maybe God is love. Maybe God is not. Maybe God is something beyond love. Like an inseparable union of love and hate. Something we can't grasp as humans. I don't know. Confused jumble of feelings about God is what I am.

But I do know that up until now, for some reason on the other, I've been protected and provided for so I give thanks to the Universe/God. I'm not sure if He/She/It is listening or interested in my thanks but I am thankful nonetheless. But when I get that urge to pray, that's what I usually do even though feeling like I need to pray is probably more a force of habit than anything else. I think it's pointless to pray for protection for myself or for my family or to pray for things in general. I have no idea if that's what is in God's plan for me or if there is even a plan or if God is making up the plan as we go along. I feel like if there is a plan in order for my life, I can't do much to change it. All I can do really is accept it and do the best I can in any situation I'm faced with and try my hardest to set my course the way I want it to go. No guarantees it'll go that way, though.

Sometimes I wish I had a concept of God for myself that was more comforting. That I could nestle into and rely on. That would, I think, make the difficult times easier since I would be convinced that, hey, someone out there has my best interest at heart, I mean, He/She/It loves me with every fiber of it's being and He/She/It is Big Boss Hog straight running shit. (as opposed to it running itself). Someone once told me (before I learned to knit/crochet) that God must love humanity because God created it. When I started to knit/crochet, I realized that was a shaky argument. How many things have I made that I completely hated and then unraveled or threw in the bottom of the draw or donated or used as a rag of some sort? Yeah. Not much comfort there.

Anyway, so here I am trying to find a path that works for me and that feels right to me and that makes sense and that doesn't rely too heavily on God. I'm mean, I'm not mad at God at all. I just don't get It and I'm not sure I will. But is it the supreme level of haughtiness and pride not to just submit? Why do I have to get it? Why can't I pull up some faith from within myself and just trust?

One question just leads to another.

So when I lay down to sleep, instead of going down that road, I just say thank you with all my heart for all my blessings. And I leave it at that.

2 comments:

liberationtheory said...

I love the absolute honesty in this post! Thank you for sharing it with us.

puregoldlady said...

ditto what liberationtheory said.

This was refreshingly honest. Thanks for sharing.

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