Who's Supposed to Pay for That?

College, that is.  

I was part of an online discussion on this very topic and it made me think again about some things. Now, of course, our personal experience and understandings color everything we do, including the decisions we make for our children.  So it's no big surprise that there were many different opinions about college.

My college experience was pretty traumatizing. Despite the fact that I was a college admissions officer's dream and got into pretty much every school I applied to (these were mainly top-tier schools), I ended up "screwed" and had to attend a public college.  I didn't even get to leave home which was supremely important to me.  I won't go into details but basically, I could not afford to go to any other school without putting myself in serious debt.  Was it because my father refused to fill out my FAFSA?  Did I fill it out wrong?  Or was it that my parents made too much to qualify for much aid?  They certainly couldn't afford to pay for it out of pocket and because of their financial circumstances, couldn't or wouldn't take out loans for me.  I will never know exactly what happened but I ended up (miserably) in a combined BS/MD program that my mother discovered and made me apply to at a public college in the city.  I eventually dropped out of that program but graduated from that school.  I worked about 25-30 hours a week and full-time throughout the summer to support myself (was living rent-free at home but everything else I had to pay for).  I took 18+ credits a semester and graduated with honors on time despite having switched my major  after 4 semesters.  

I went through a whole lot and I learned a lot from that experience.  It was an experience that pretty much changed and defined my whole life.   It was a huge disappointment not to go.  And an even bigger disappointment not to leave home.   I can't make you know how important going to an Ivy League school was to me and how desperately I wanted to leave home.  But it was good for me in many intangible ways.  The most important things are how I changed in terms of my consciousness (about health, Africa, history, etc) but also about how I thought about school and the emphasis that is placed on it.  

I still believe going to school is important.    You could be a great success without ever having stepped foot in an institution of higher learning but it takes a special kind of person--someone who is entrepreneurial in spirit, charismatic, driven, undaunted by rejection/failure, outgoing, a people-person, who enjoys networking, hardworking/tenacious, ingenious and willing to hustle and hustle hard.  Those of us who are not all those things . . . I think it's good to have some kind of net.  I think that's a college degree.  Now, a college degree won't magically make all right with the world for you but it will open doors that would be solidly shut without them.  You will most likely make more money with a college degree than without one.  

What if one of the boys decides college is not for them?  What then?  They'd have to show me a concrete Plan B--something realistic and attainable, like a trade school.  I wouldn't force them to go to college  but they would know how I feel about it.  I'm not as hard up as I once was about being at the top of the class and going to top schools and all that and that is something that has changed significantly about me.  In fact, I wish someone had looked at my family's financial situation and told me to focus on public colleges from the very beginning. I'm almost sure that no matter what, I could have gotten a good deal going to a state school.  In fact, the University of Tennessee offered me a full scholarship which I hardly considered because it was 1) in Tennessee and 2) not Yale. While I don't believe in would haves and could haves, it's something that definitely shapes how I think about higher education.  I know our financial situation.  Many top-tier schools offer a free ride to students whose parents fit certain financial criteria.  If the boys are willing to work that much and are that good at school, this is an option for them.  If they turn out to be just "okay" students, the other option is public in-state college.  

We are saving a little bit ($50 a month) in a 529 for the boys.  Nothing to write home about.  I read that this could actually count against them come financial aid time.  Do we stop?  I don't think the money we could save would actually take them through all four years with inflation and the rising cost of college.  What I'm really hoping is that by the time they are college age, we have established multiple streams of income to help them through whatever choice they make (I hope it's college).  

Now, the biggest thing I've come to realize is that you cannot pin all your hopes on college.  You still need to possess some of those characteristics I mentioned above even if you go to college (although not to the same degree).  College will not magically make life wonderful and grand.  I was full of illusions back them.  I'm all about reality now.  

You know, when you're Black and have Black boys as children, certain things are obvious.  Like the world is just not nice to Black folks and especially not to Black men who are still viewed as a threat.  In any field we choose to enter, we can often expect to find discrimination.  So while I would support Z1 and Z2 as much as I could if they decided college was not for them, they have to know that even though the playing field is more level these days, it's not completely level.   They are not free to take years off to casually "find themselves".  They'll have to do that much the same way I did:  while working and going to school. Degrees help to level the field. And, quite honestly, give an individual holding them respect and credibility, like it or not.  

So while I can't commit to paying for the whole thing right now, that is what I'd like to do especially if my sons are realistic and understand that what I could most likely make happen is public state schools.  They will have to  work a little to to make that extra money for the funky fresh sneakers, the flyyest new gadgets they want and taking their girlfriends to.   But college?  Yeah, I think I'm supposed to pay for that. And I'm happy to if I can.  But not willing to break the bank or go into debt to do it.  I think that's fair.  

Bo-De-Ga

Give thanks to Raet, for this . . .Growing up in the South Bronx, the corner store aka bodegas were part and parcel of our daily lives. After I became interested in eating healthier foods, it never ceased to amaze me the amount of straight CRAP to be found at the bodega. I'll never forget the years of lugging my shopping cart to the subway (which is above ground in most of the Bronx), to take the train all the way down to 72nd Street to either go to Fairway or some of the nearby health food stores (many of which have closed down now) just to get some bread made with whole grain flour and no high fructose corn syrup and some soy milk. Things haven't changed much at the bodega even though it's years later. Luckily, the grocery stores like Pathmark, Western Beef, Bravo, C-Town (come on, hood folks, you know these are your grocery stores), are doing a little better and you can at least get soy milk there (albeit for double the price as at Whole Foods).

Bend Over and Touch Your Toes!

Don't worry. I'm not going to be admitting to liking me some Lil Jon. But I am just thrilled to report that I can touch my toes!! Doesn't sound like a huge accomplishment but just four months ago when I made up my mind to get in shape, I couldn't do it. Now I can touch my toes and even the floor. Even the hubby has remarked on how much more flexible I am and has become very encouraging of YOGA.

I enjoy yoga tremendously and I'm so glad that I started. I still haven't taken a class yet but soon. One of my goals this year is to extend and deepen my yoga practice but really this is a life long goal. It's not just about arriving. It's about getting there too. And I'm enjoying the journey. I have learned so much about my body in this short time, it's actually pretty fascinating. I know where my weak points are now (like my ankles), where I carry my tension (at the back of my neck and shoulder blades) and how to let it go, that I can balance better on my left side (even though I'm right handed) and so much more.

So far, I have a few yoga DVDs/routines that I do:
Yoga for Urban Living (I'm still having issues with this DVD but I like it enough that I will repurchase it)
Living Room Yoga (I just absolutely love this one--I highly recommend it once you're no longer a rank beginner)
Crunch Yoga (this is great for easing yourself into yoga--it's got modifications an is really a neatly packaged introduction. There is very minimal emphasis on the spiritual in this practice but spirituality still seeped into it for me. Maybe not for everyone though.

I also do the Great Salutation on my own sometimes. I love this website too for a listing and explanation of the various poses.

I have a couple of books on Yoga too: Light on Yoga by B.K.S. Iyengar and Yoga Beyond Belief by Ganga White, two excellent resources to have. Another book that I don't own but regularly borrow from the library is Yoga Anatomy (those are links to the books on Google Books). Yoga Anatomy is a book you just have to see. It's fabulous.

Honestly, I do get frustrated sometimes because the weight is not coming off. While I'm stronger, I still don't see all that much definition because I'm holding on to the weight. I've started lifting more weights because muscle burns fat and I'm hoping to see a difference. I wonder if maybe I'm not doing enough cardio for long enough. My sistren recommended this The Firm Transfirmer system to me and I'm thinking about it. Do I need to do more though? Or something different? I actually would like to have a personal training session. I want to know will my belly button ever get back to the way it was before I had kids and if so, when.

Realistically, I know that while I'm nursing, I'm not likely to lose anything too fast. After I weaned Z1, I made absolutely no effort to exercise or lose weight but it dropped off and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight in no time. I suspect it will be the same here.

Beyond that, I've been struggling with the challenge of getting enough sleep and getting up early to exercise. I'd been getting up at 5 religiously but ran out of steam mid-day. If I get up later, there's no guarantee that I will have time to exercise and chant/meditate/journal. And I hate having to make the choice between the two. But once the boys are up, really all my attention and focus is on them especially now that Z2 is so incredibly mobile (and daring). People suggest exercising with your children but honestly, I need to be in a certain focused mind space to exercise. I need to get into myself. My babies distract me. I noticed once when doing yoga while they were awake that my breathing was off and I found myself doing things in such a way that I could hurt myself. And we all know that not being well-rested is counterproductive to weight loss so . . . that's a challenge I'm working with.

But anyway, I love yoga and I encourage anyone and everyone to give it a try. It is truly for everyone. If DVDs don't do it for you, find a class and see. I saw that the local community colleges even offer classes now.

Photo courtesy of http://carrotsncake.com/2009/02/31-days-of-yoga.html

The Movie Based on the Book . . .

I'm always wary when I hear this phrase. I just know the book will be far better than the movie. Maybe it's because I'm a book person and I love to read.

Anyway, recently I've been reading a lot of the work by Jhumpa Lahiri including two collections of short stories: "Unaccustomed Earth" and "Interpreter of Maladies". I find her writing to be stunning and I practically fell headlong into these stories. I think they touched me in a special way because she writes primarily about immigrants to this country from India and/or their children. Because India, like Nigeria, was once a colony of Great Britain, there are many similarities in language. But, and I found this surprising, there are also many similarities between traditional Indian (Bengali) culture and traditional Igbo culture. What is most intriguing to me is how Ms. Lahiri tackles the complex conflict that arises when a person is transplanted from the land of their birth and childhood and begins a completely new life away from everyone and everything they have ever know. Online and in real life, I have seen how difficult life can be for immigrants (and sometimes but not as often for children of immigrants). I mean, people can be downright hostile to people who come here and have "an accent". Some of the staunchest opposition I've seen in my life are from folks with the same color skin who feel like African immigrants have stolen something that's not rightfully theirs. I don't remember which story of Ms. Lahiri's I read but a mother and daughter have gone out to the store and the store owner is talking to the daughter (who has an American accent) instead of the mother (who had an Indian accent). As if the mother is stupid and uneducated. I have been in that position too. And since my goverment name is not English, I have been on the receiving end of such hostility and ill-will until the person finds out I "speak English". As if speaking English with an accent isn't speaking English. Anyway, I think Ms. Lahiri does a masterful job of capturing these complexties with authenticity and poise.

After having read these two collections of short stories, I was ready to read her full length novel The Namesake. As usual, the writing was beautiful however I really do like the short stories better. I think she's a master at writing short stories.

When picking up the novel The Namesake at the library, one of the librarians asked if I had seen the film. I hadn't. I figured when I finished reading the book, I'd take a look at the film knowing full well the film would disappoint. And it did. Look, my biggest literary regret is having watched the film The Color Purple before reading the book. Never again if I can help it! Anyway, I had read the novel so I proceeded to watch the movie. I mean, the kids were doing their thing and I had to pause it 800 million times but I watched it. It was lovely filming but I felt like it missed so many of the nuances in the novel and important points and emotions that were conveyed in the writing.

For example, the Ganguli family comes home from a trip to India only to find some racist grafitti on their mailbox. Gogol, the son, is incensed. His father takes it all in stride. In the novel, Lahiri is careful to show how much his father's indifference annoyed Gogol. Gogol cannot understand his father. His father cannot understand him. Even though they are father and son, there is a huge gulf between them fostered by the fact that Gogol is American. But Indian too.

Also, the main struggle in the book is Gogol's real hatred of his name. I mean, he hates it. He fights against it relentlessly and eventually changes it as an adult only to find that he cannot get away from it. The movie kind of glosses over that but that struggle, in my opinion, is the crux of the whole book. It's not my opinion actually. The name of the novel is The Namesake. It's essential to talk about, at length and in depth, the name!

There are so many other examples . . . I mean, I guess if they tried to film every little detail we would have been watching a 6 hour mini-saga. But I could have done without the movie. I enjoyed immensely the visual images Ms. Lahiri created in her novel and would recommend her writing to anyone. It is like rich chocolate for the mind.

And as an aspiring writer myself, I was encouraged so much by the fact that Ms. Lahiri is successful as a short story writer (because I mainly write short stores).

Oh, and I remind myself to stay away from movies based on the book . . .

Nobody can give you freedom . . .

Very few people come along speaking truth so profound it's obvious. Too revolutionary for the textbooks but just what is needed right now. I didn't learn about this brother until I was an adult. That will not be the case for my children. His autobiography changed my entire life and he remains an inspiration and motivation to me.

Happy Birthday El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz!

Thanks for this post Black Girl in Maine and this post Raet.

Picture courtesy of http://anti-drugwar.org/

Is it the end of the road?

For this blog?
I seem to have lost momentum and inspiration. I used to think of things to blog about all the time: in the shower, while driving, while changing a diaper. I had dozens of drafts for blogs. Recently, though, nothing. I did realize that I never shared my slamming vegan sweet potato pie recipe and also the recipe for Black Jack Chili. I will. But after that, who knows? I've been blogging for a year now with over 300 posts. Maybe it is the end of the road.

Letter to Myself

I've been trying to find a window of opportunity to blog all day but it hasn't happened till now. And even now I should be sleeping since I have to get up to exercise. But I really wanted to share this today.

I spent my pregnancy with Z1 extremely depressed at times longing for my "mommy", wanting to be cherished and nurtured. But this is not something my mother could offer. Two years ago, I wrote an entry in my journal about my mother and how I have come to deal with our relationship. It's a letter to myself and while my overstanding of the Almighty has changed quite a bit since then, the letter is still essentially true.

You were blessed with a mother who is not described by any of the warm, fuzzy Hallmark Mother's Day Greeting Cards. In fact, you pore through countless cards trying to find the most generic, non-specific card there is. You can't get one that says, "You always know what to say to lift my spirit". Not true. No, you look for cards that say, "Hope your day is great!"

There are two ways you can respond to this in the light of the fact that you are completely grown. You could become very bitter and angry, snap and complain at every opportunity. Or you can accept her for who and how she is, realizing that she's human only and has human flaws. Also, she is not in this world to live up to your expectation or idea of what a mother should be. She did for you and gave you the best she could. You may not think it was the best but it was. If she could have done better, she would have. You may be thinking she should have given me this or that because she had the ability but even if she did have the ability physically, mentally or psychologically she was not in a place where she could give you more, you cannot fault her for it. You're grown enough now to cut that umbilical cord and connect it to the Almighty who can be everything and anything you need. You can expect unwaveringly that the Almighty will always give you what you need, when you need it and how you need it.

When you let your natural, physical mother off the hook, forgive her and forgive yourself for believing that somehow it was you that caused your mother to treat you the way she did, you re-connect to a Higher Power, you free yourself and allow yourself the space to heal. When you begin to realize that you are who you are because of your mother and not in spite of, you learn to be grateful. Right now, you are blessed with a chance to be whole. You have the chance to be the way you want. You started out on this road a long time ago before you even knew yourself and you've been traveling on it for many years. There have been many potholes and bumps. You now realize that this particular road is not leading to where you'd like to go. You have the ability to get off at the next exit. You can pick the next road. You can decide the kind of woman you're going to be. You determine, most especially, the kind of mother you are going to be.

I hope all the mothers (mothers with their own children, spiritual mothers, godmothers, etc) enjoyed the day.

Photo Credit: "dedicated to moms everywhere (happy mother's day 2008 #2)" by jmtimages

I Can't Stand the Rain!

Thank God today is sunny and warm!

My first introduction to this song was back in high school when Misdemeanor Eliot ("Missy") sampled it. I loved it then (and still do) but didn't know it was old school. I should have. I've always thought Missy was so creative and like me, marched to her own drum. Anyway, wanted to share some music on this lovely day!





Have a great weekend!

I didn't mention . . .

That I finished my story. I was waiting for inspiration to hit and well, it just wasn't. So one day when the hubby was off, I pushed him and the boys out. I spent 3 to 4 hours and finished it. I retitled it "The Oracle" and while I don't think it's my finest writing and I know it still needs work, it is a good skeleton.

If you'd like to read it and tell me *honestly* what you think (be brutally honest), please e-mail me!

Funny.Ironic.

Just when I was getting down on my good old thrift store, it hooked a sista up! I got two flyy cotton blouses and one pair of 100% linen pants (size 12!!!! and not 14!!!!! and they fit perfectly!!!! although a little too long--nothing that's not easily fixed). The pants and one of the blouses make a complete outfit. Got Z1 a Gant hoodie and a Gap dress shirt too. Grand total: $10.91. I'm stoked! Like the universe knew I needed a pick me up.

Sacrificing too much?

I guess it's a question that every mother has to ask herself. One thing I have clearly understood about motherhood is that it's insanely difficult to find the balance.

I've been a stay-at-home mom now for some years and overall, I enjoy it. Sometimes, though, I take a break from the constant diaper changing, breastfeeding, hand washing, nose and butt wiping and wonder . . . what the fuck am I doing?

How much sacrifice is too much?

I look at my house and all the work that needs to be done. It's a lot of work. Yet, the repairs and renovations go at a snail's pace because there's only one income. Two incomes would move the work along. Would make it so that I wouldn't feel embarrassed when folks visit and see the kitchen (my stove was manufactured in 1959--no joke) and the bathroom (which needed to be re-tiled about 10 years ago). We could have replaced all the doors at one time instead of doing the front door this month and the back door only God knows when. Two incomes would make the place ready to rent. Make getting out of this town more of a near-future possibility. And getting out of this town would be . . . fabulous.

I look at myself. The clothes I wear. Actually, the clothes I hate to wear. I'd like to go into a regular store (not the thrift store) and buy stuff that fits right and that's cute (on sale and on clearance of course because I still can't get with paying crazy high prices for things). Two incomes would help.

But then the other half of the time, I am overwhelmed by what a blessing it is that I can stay at home with my boys. There are many sacrifices involved but we eat well, are dressed well. Our home keeps us warm and sheltered. Plus we have small luxuries to boot. The hubby supports my staying at home (at least until Z2 is school age). It's not like I'm making the choice between staying at home and basic necessities. The choice I'm making is between staying at home and moving up and out quickly/looking the way I'd like to look.

And then there's homeschooling, something that I've had my heart set on to do for a long time. Full-time work and homeschooling seem incompatible. Could something work out?

My initial teaching certification expires in 2010. I'll renew but do I want to go back to teaching? My first experience was so traumatizing. Maybe dealing with 5 and 6 year olds would be better? Could I even get back into the field if I wanted? It's been almost 5 years since I graduated.

Eh, this post seems like reiterations of the same old issues but sometimes it just weighs so heavily on me. Am I sacrificing my very self to be a stay at home mom? Is it worth it?

I've actually been sort of looking for some kind of part time job--to make enough money to cover classes and stuff for the boys as well as maybe groceries and the things I need to make me feel, well, cute again and to just be out and functioning in a different capacity.

Keep your fingers crossed for me: I noticed that the hubby's alma mater doesn't have a crochet class in its School of Continuing Education. I proposed it to them. That would be great actually . . . working very part time, making decent money, doing something I like.

Who's Afraid of . . .

the big bad flu?

Not me.

I don't know . . . my head is in a good place right now. Whatever this flu is or isn't, I know the best thing is to work on our immune systems. As usual, the *only* thing you have control of is yourself, your thoughts and your actions.

So, I'm regulating all sugar (even though we don't use white sugar, being easy with sugar is still best). I just ordered some sodium ascorbate (vitamin C) because we're running low. I was just reminded about the importance of the mineral selenium. We eat a lot of the foods that are rich in it but I may also get a supplement. I've got my echinacea and goldenseal tinctures at the ready and raw honey too. We get plenty of garlic in our food. We're drinking enough water. Getting our green smoothies and other fruits and veggies in. Exercising. Getting good sun. And just getting on with our lives.

Sleeping through the night?

Okay, Z2 slept really well last night. From 8:30 till about 4:10. I woke up feeling extremely well rested. Will it be a repeat performance tonight? I don't know. I certainly ain't getting my hopes up! But, oh my goodness, it feels good to be well rested today. I feel like I could do anything!!

Ready to give making soymilk and tofu a try

We had a soymilk maker that I returned because what I really wanted at the time was to make rice milk (which was a huge mess in the soy milk maker). Since I'm no longer as wary of soy as I once was and since we are eating tofu and drinking soy milk (in porridge and tea) regularly, I think I'm ready to give it another go. I think the hubby would be down for re-purchasing a soymilk maker (that's the link to the one we had before) but I'd like to give making it without one a try. I can get soybeans pretty inexpensively and I would need to find a tofu press (to get bricks of tofu as opposed to balls and other odd shapes) as well as an large inexpensive stainless steel pot (you need three stock type pots and I only have two). I may employ the hubby to think of some kind of homemade tofu press.

The process for making soy milk and tofu actually doesn't seem as daunting as it once did. However . . . this morning's workout was another bust since Z2 woke at 6 on the dot. Do I really want to add anything onto the hecticness of things right now?? We'll see. I'm really leaning towards it though. I think that would be a great step towards self-sufficiency especially if I could grow my own soybeans.

Photo Credit: "Tofu Press" by ashe-villain on Flickr.com

Happy Thrifting!!!

A few months ago, I scored for $4.99 each, stone loaf pans by Pfaltzgraff. I think they retail for about $25 a piece. These pans bake beautiful loaves of yeasted breads and my banana nut, pumpkin and cranberry orange quick breads have such a lovely texture using these loaf pans.

Yesterday, for $5.99, a beautiful tea pot (with a built in) strainer made in Japan, The gentleman who was ringing me up said that two other folks had picked it up and then decided against buying it. I guess it was waiting for me!!

Happy thrifting indeed! :)