My Hair Routine

I haven't blogged in a long while but I won't apologize for that.  Life has been hectic!  I am due with baby #3 in just a few weeks and so I am busy wrapping up the last little bit of preparation I need to do.  Also, Z1 is turning 7 in a few days and we gave him a birthday party early just to make sure we got it in.

Today's post is about my scalp and hair.  I haven't spoken about hair issues in a long time.  Since I cut my locks and started wearing it very short, there's really not much to talk about.  My routine basically consists of washing my head and oiling my scalp three times a week.  I get a cut every few weeks.  A really easy routine.

Initially, I had some issues finding a shampoo that worked with my scalp.  I tried plenty of natural shampoos including pure castile soap and black soap.  Those shampoos did not make my scalp feel good.  They exacerbated the itching and soreness of my scalp.  Eventually, I gave up on natural shampoos and stuck with what actually worked:  Head and Shoulders.  I would follow that up with tea tree oil in jojoba oil as a carrier directly onto my scalp.  I've been doing this consistently for months with great results:  a healthy, happy scalp.

But of course, I had to go and mess with a good thing.  The ingredients in Head and Shoulders bother me and I really want use natural things on my body.  I had been hearing about the "no poo" method, basically using baking soda and vinegar to cleanse the scalp and hair.  I gave it a try and almost immediately, I knew it was a big mistake.  Itchy, sore scalp galore.  It took me about two weeks back on my regular routine to get everything back in order.  But I wasn't about to give up completely.  I had one more thing to try: Grandpa's Pine Tar soap.  This was something about which I had heard good things from folks dealing with psoriasis and dandruff.  I gave it a go and it works just as well if not better than the Head and Shoulders!  And with such a short ingredient list (Coconut oil, palm oil, purified water, pine tar (Pinus Palustris) oil, vegetable glycerin), it was a huge win.  So that is what I use now (followed by the tea tree oil).  I am quite pleased with the results.

I was a bit worried about the pine tar as I had heard rumors that it was carcinogenic.  I searched all over and I couldn't find anything definitive saying that it was cancer causing.  I did, however, find some articles that suggested that coal tar (the active ingredient in Neutrogena T-Gel) is. 

I use the bar instead of the shampoo because the shampoo has a longer ingredient list.  To preserve my bar of soap, I made this:   

It's made out of 100% cotton yarn and took me about 30 minutes to complete.  It works very well and kept me from buying a soap saver.

Going in search of a natural solution for my scalp meant learning a little about the scalp. I was curious as to how and why the scalp is so different from other skin on the body. I found this article and it was fascinating.  Indeed, there are some serious differences between the skin on the rest of the body and the skin on our heads.  I think the most important lesson I took away is that if you don't have much hair on your head, you may need to wash your hair very frequently--more frequently than if you did.  Why?  Because if you don't have a lot of hair on your head, there is no where for the oil to go except to stay on your scalp which can produce a lot of issues.  This was good to know because I had started to feel that maybe washing my scalp too much was resulting in me having to wash my scalp so much--like a never-ending cycle.  Especially since a few folks I know who wear locks wash very infrequently, like once a month or even once every 6 weeks.  I can't imagine washing less than 3 times a week, though, so I was really wondering what was going on with me.  Nothing is going on:  it's just important to keep my scalp clean so that the pores don't get clogged and just to maintain a good balance up there.

I'm just reminded that it's not always the case that something is wrong with me.  Sometimes, it's as simple as working with my specific situation, honoring my ideals in a patient and loving way.

Health is Wealth

Yesterday's dinner was really good: a chili made with grass-fed beef, bone broth and super fresh Swiss chard, green onions and white carrots from our CSA. I remembered to *not* use coconut oil in the chili (used olive oil instead) and I spiced it right. I paired it with a piece of yucca and it complemented the chili really well. I haven't made chili in a while after the last debacle (used coconut oil and the flavor of the coconut was overpowering--I guess something about the tomatoes intensified the taste). I was very, very happy it turned out right. 

But I was even more happy about was that after the meal, there was no intestinal distress.  No gas.  No bloating.  No feeling like complete crap.  I was hungry.  I ate.  I felt satisfied.  I wasn't hungry anymore.  I didn't spend the night gripping my stomach as it spasmed. 

I feel like I have come such a long way in terms of my digestive health.  It's almost miraculous.  I wouldn't say I am 100% there but for me, cutting out grains, beans, and legumes and following a mostly paleo diet (grass-fed/pastured meats and lots of vegetables and fruits) along with a gut healing regimen (probiotic foods like homemade yogurt and bone broth) has really been key.  It's taken time and I feel like there have been some setbacks as I figure certain things out (like I don't do too well on lots of raw vegetables and that some vegetables work better for me than others).  But at this point, I can have a few things that probably wouldn't make the paleo cut (like a pretty decent granola bar that had some grains in it albeit toward the end of the list or gluten free ice cream cones with coconut milk ice cream sweetened with sugar) and it won't send my whole GIT to hell.  Of course, I can only do this every so often but I'm glad that I can indulge sometimes.

You'd better believe that good gastrointestinal health makes it to the top of my gratitude list almost everyday.  I feel so blessed that I listened to my body, my inner wisdom had the courage to let go of ideals and what the mainstream touts as a healthy diet and pursue a diet, a tried and true ancestral diet, that is bringing me such healing and happiness.  I'm also so grateful to have sources of good food readily accessible to me.  Health is really and absolutely wealth.  

Worker Bee

 I made this bag for a swap with a sister who sews.  It is crocheted with KnitPicks Brava Worsted yarn which is 100% acrylic.  Most of the time, I hate working with acrylic but Brava is a *nice* acrylic to use.  It didn't feel like I was exfoliating my hands when I was crocheting.  The pattern I used for the bag was the GoLightly Tote Pattern.  I ordered two skeins of each color yarn I used in the bag and had enough left over to make the little matching purse (which I crocheted freestyle).  I loved how this project turned out and look forward to making this pattern again.  In return, I received a stack of cloth wipes for the baby as well as the sweetest little diaper (not pictured).

This pattern is Declan's Hat.  I made it using KnitPicks Wool of the Andes in Fairy Tale.  The cables were a bit of a beast--too much to keep track of and unwieldy but I think it came out okay.  It was initially intended for a baby but it's so big it fits me.  I ordered more of the same wool from KnitPicks to make the following projects:

I made the sweater using the the Cascade pattern.  It was such a wonderful project.  It was simple enough that it didn't stress me out but had enough intricacy to keep me engaged.  The hat pattern is Baby Hat with Leaf Edging and I chose it to complement the leaf design of the sweater.  I am very pleased with how it turned out!  I made it for one of my good friends' baby daughter and she informed me that it would fit for a long time to come.  I was happy to hear that.  I hope I get to see her wearing it soon.

I just wanted to finish up the yarn from the previous project so I decided to crochet this kerchief. The pattern is Amita Shawl.  It’s not a full-size shawl but it’s large enough to wear as a shawlette or as a scarf. I’m thinking of some cute way to hold it in place when it’s being used as a shawlette.

Making some changes

Yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally and, thankfully, I was very clear as to why and in line with my new attitude towards things, I'm being solution-oriented.  

I have been sick for the past two weeks with a flu that just laid me out.  I only started to feel about 95% two days ago and today, I finally felt well enough to get moving again and exercise.  But I was really worried that the sickness would be a permanent setback and that I wouldn't be able to get back into exercise for the rest of this pregnancy.  Yesterday, I felt so lethargic and lackluster that I really started to worry. So I am so relieved and happy that I could exercise this morning and, of course, I feel great.  I just determined last night to get to bed before 9 without fail and to get up and do something.  I decided on a DVD with which I am very familiar that has both weight and cardio intervals and I knew I would just do the modifications and take it easy.  It was difficult to get started but once I did, it felt great.  And now, I'm ready to consistently exercise every morning even if it's just a few minutes of stretching or a walk.  The phrase "Just Do It" has some serious merit to it.  

I've also been a bit concerned about not having much help after the baby gets here.  The sickness took me completely out which meant I spent a lot of time sleeping and the boys spent a lot of time watching t.v. and playing on the computer.  I've lamented lack of community and close friends before but being sick like that crystallized how serious a situation this is in my life.  There is no one close enough to me that I could rely on to help me through those difficult days.  I was blessed to see my father step up and help me get the boys to their karate class and get them dinner on some days but otherwise, I was on my own dealing with the boys and the upkeep of the house while battling temperatures of 101 and higher.  Of course, the hubby is a great help but he is at work for the majority of the day.  I couldn't help but start to worry about how I'm going to handle things when the baby arrives and I am getting little to no sleep but still need to get up and do the things I need to do for myself, my family and the household.   I mean, I am still wondering how to fulfill my need for simple company, i.e. another adult who I see and interact with on a consistent basis, much less friends who see that I need help and offer.  I don't have a solution for this one yet but I am working on it.  It may involve hosting a knitting/crochet meet-up at my house.  I think I have been hyper-focused on meeting others who homeschool and that has been very unproductive.  Why not tap into my other interests?

Since January I have been following the specific carbohydrate diet and the results have been lackluster.  I know that I will need to see someone who can correctly diagnose what I've got going on but right now so we can appropriately address it.  I do have a functional nutritionist lined up and I hope to start working with her after the baby is born.  But right now, my options are to continue to tweak my diet and do things to heal my gut. So after about 5 months of SCD, I am going to try something different and that is to avoid FODMAPs foods.  I will try it for 3 weeks at first and see if there is any improvement.

Lastly, I find it so fascinating that following a paleo/primal diet has left me feeling more isolated than being vegan.  It's amazing how the tides have changed over the last few years in favor of vegetarianism.   A few days ago, I posted on a board for more natural-minded mothers that I finally tried liver.  Liver is indeed a superfood especially if it comes from an animal that has been eating its proper diet.  So I have been wanting to give it a shot for some time now but memories of eating it as a child were not pleasant.  Also, I am a picky eater so the odds are I still wouldn't like the taste.  But I tried it.  I added it to some beef stew.  And I ate it.  I was very proud of myself.  Come to find out that grass-fed liver is nothing like the liver of my youth.  And that, although the way I prepared it wasn't the greatest, it wasn't the worst.  Eating liver is definitely not a mainstream thing but what I am learning is that "natural living" or "alternative lifestyle" is now synonymous with being a vegetarian or better yet a vegan and optimally a raw food vegan.  The few comments I got on that board were condescending [let us help you find a plant-based way (i.e. a better way) to get what it is you think you are missing] or downright rude (I find that if meat eaters need to do so much to meat to make it palatable then that should be a sign not to eat meat.)  As if . . . as if, you would go out into your garden, collect kidney beans, throw them into a pot with nothing but water and that would be something palatable and delicious.  I can't be too mad since  I was one of those vegans who would call other human beings "meat eaters" as if what I didn't eat made me superior to them.  I can't be too mad when folks turn around and call me a "meat eater".  I don't have any desire to argue with anyone.  I have no energy to waste engaging in that kind of negativity.  I only want support for my journey to healing which has involved incorporating nutrient-dense animal products into my diet and I don't see myself going back to totally plant-based diet any time soon as it's clear to me that that is what got me here in the first place.  Also, I simply look at my teeth and I notice that I have canines and molars which means I am omnivorous: I am supposed to eat meat and vegetables.  I also notice that I have only 4 canines and many more molars which means far more vegetables/fruits than meat.  I am, after all, not a meat-eater.  I look into my cat's mouth and see only canines.  It only makes sense to have her on a diet that is mainly meat (no grains butsea veggies and other veggies since she is an indoor cat and likes chicken but doesn't seem to like grass-fed beef).  She is a meat-eater.  I'm doing for myself what makes sense to me and is helping me and I am not insisting or arguing that it make sense to anyone else or that anyone else do what I am doing.

I'd be lying if I said that little online interaction didn't force me to remember why I had pretty much stopped interacting online. It generally doesn't make me feel lifted: people who don't know you making judgments about you.  No thanks.  So I'm once again, making some changes.  

I am feeling so much better today physically and emotionally and so much clearer about how to handle things that would have had me down for days.  The decision to be solution-oriented has, dare I say, turned my life around.  Even if the solution isn't clear, it's so much more empowering to be on the lookout for the answer instead of wallowing in the problem.  

Grain-free Pizza Crust

I was so pleased this past weekend to come up with a recipe for a grain-free pizza crust that everyone really liked.  It's still a work in progress so I will be updating with the changes I make.  But here's what I did:

Ingredients
1 cup blanched almond flour
1 tablespoon coconut flour
pinch of salt
1/2 cup coconut milk
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 egg

Method
Whisk wet ingredients together.  Add dry ingredients to wet.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.  Pour batter onto lined baking sheet and spread till it is about 1/8" thick. Bake at 450 degrees for 20 minutes.  Remove from oven.  Add toppings (I put on my homemade sauce, a very little bit of cheese made from raw milk from grass fed cows, sauteed mushrooms, onions, and peppers and a couple of slices of Applegate farm chicken & turkey sausage).

I was very pleased with how it turned out.  Other almond flour pizza crust recipes I have tried were just too much.  Just super dense.  Coconut flour pizza crust recipes were just too coconut-y.  This is a nice, mild pizza crust where the toppings really stand out and don't get overwhelmed by the crust.

I would like to get the crust a bit more crispy which means either more oil or another egg. I'll post when I try the modifications next time and hopefully I'll get a picture too.

Magical Memories

The dojo where my boys take karate is right next to a branch of my bank.  I needed to make a deposit yesterday and as we walked up to the ATM, Z1 excitedly asked if he could press the buttons (and then Z2, never wanting to be left out, started vying for the chance).   I told them there were plenty of buttons to press and that would both get some turns.  Just at that moment, my mind flashed back so strongly to a very happy memory of my childhood.  

A few years ago, some friends of mine were working through the exercises in Connection Parenting by Pam Leo, one of which was to recall some happy childhood memories.  I found this exercise very frustrating.  For every would-be happy memory, there was something that would taint it.  Sometimes even ruin it.  I couldn't come up with one purely happy memory and that made me sad but also informed me of the fact that I had a lot to do if I was going to practice connection parenting.  

So you can imagine how thrilled I was when the exuberance of my boys to press buttons on the ATM jogged such a wonderful childhood memory!  I remembered my own father taking me to the bank and the magical way the ATMs would make the room glow.  I couldn't see anything on the screens until my father hoisted me up and let me sit on the machine.  Then, more magic, the words and pictures would appear.  My father would tell me which buttons on the touch screen to press and I would gleefully press and watch to see what would happen.  I remember how much I looked forward to the simple act of going to the bank.  I am not sure my father knows how much of an impression it made on my young mind.  How his involvement in something so magical for me penetrated so deeply.  

I am currently reading Mitten Strings for God by Katrina Kenison and the entry I read yesterday was all about magic.  The author talked about fairies and other things that didn't really connect with me in any way.  But I get it now.  I understand how powerful it is for me as a parent to be involved in the magic of my children's childhood.  

I was truly grateful, you know?  Such a mundane activity as going to the ATM with my children (as opposed to going alone) brought back to me a powerful and happy memory. I'm grateful that I can be their mother.  That I am open to what they have to offer me.  That I can be here to raise them but that they are also here to raise me.  An amazing, magical gift, I would say.  

A New Car

One question I get asked a lot now that I am expecting baby number 3 is what new car we will be getting. It comes in second after I am asked if I am having a boy or girl.

I tossed around in my mind the idea of selling one of our cars in order to purchase a minivan. After the stresses of the winter before last, I am totally sure I need an all-wheel drive vehicle. I don't have a driveway and I am not willing to struggle with a shovel trying to dig myself in and out of parking spaces with three kids in tow only to have someone who doesn't even live on the block, take the spot. The only all-wheel drive minivan currently on the market is the Toyota Sienna. I drive an '05 Subaru Outback wagon and I really do like the car. It gets good gas mileage, has plenty of cargo room, and best of all, is an all-wheel drive vehicle but still a car.  Even with selling my car (which is in very good condition and has less than 45,000 miles on it), we would have to come up with a significant amount of money to afford a Sienna that had a decent amount of miles on it. A 2005 Toyota Sienna with 50,000 miles on it is running about $19,000. The Blue Book value for my car is about $12,500. Add to that the fact that the hubby would prefer to get rid of his Toyota Corolla (2002 with 60,000 miles on it) instead because the Subaru is all-wheel drive and is good for hauling things. For the Corolla, we could probably expect to get $6,000 at most. No way that could cover the price of any minivan at all unless we look to get one with well over 80,000 miles on it, definitely not all-wheel drive or one with a salvage title (which my insurance company would not insure—I checked). So it really doesn't make sense to sell our cars in order to purchase “new” ones because realistically, our cars are already paid for and are therefore worth more to us in our possession.

The fact of the matter is that the Subaru comfortably fits our family of four. It will not so comfortably fit a family of five.

I've done a bit of research so far and what I have found is that it is indeed possible to fit three carseats across in a Subaru Outback but the car seats are very specific. In the outboard position will be 2 Diono RadianR120 seats—super narrow seats. In the middle will be a Graco Snugride (or possibly a Combi Corcorro but I would prefer a bucket seat for easy transportation in the early weeks) which are also very narrow seats. The seats will fit really tightly but they will fit. It will be a bit of maneuvering if I need to get the baby out to nurse or something and the boys are in their seats. But the most important thing is that it is possible. Also, it will only be a few years before Z1 will not need a car seat and so for that reason, we will not be getting another car.

This car thing is something I've spent lots of time thinking about—along with other “space” accommodations that sometimes make me worry about if we are doing the right thing considering our resources by bringing another little one into the world. I'm reminded that many folks have done great things for a large number of children in a family on a small budget. And that three is not that large a number, considering. I try to remember that a lot of the givens in childhood today are not really requirements but extras that don't really make or break a childhood. Still at the same time, there's still the very real desire to give one's children more. And so I think about it. Can't help it. Even though fitting car seats into a car is really, really a first world problem. I'm reminded of our trip to Ghana where we were lucky to have seat belts much less carseats and how most babies traveled on their mother's backs—on motorcycles or in cars. I think about how my mother basically held my baby brother in the front seat on all our car trips. We all survived. It's not that I don't think carseats save lives and are the safest option for traveling with children but I do believe that in a way, it's all a real hustle. In order to fit three carseats comfortably into a car, it must be bigger. Just like everything else in our society, it seems.

Anyway, the Graco Snugride already has arrived. I'm waiting for Amazon to ship the other two seats. All in all, the seats cost about $600 which is very reasonable compared to buying a new car. I was anxious to get the seats because I am the official car seat installer in our family (since I actually read instruction manuals) and I wanted to get them in before I get too big. I am hoping to sell the boys' current car seats at a local consignment store and buying some other things the baby will need.   

I am also hoping to get the car hard-wired so it can play my Ipod through the car's speakers (and not through that radio receptor thing which never worked well) and to get a hitch installed for a bike rack.  

He's Advanced!

I had an interesting experience a few weeks ago that had me laughing till my sides hurt.

It was at a small get-together and as usually does amongst parents, the topic of education came up. As a homeschooler, you kind of get used to third degree grilling about what you are doing and you learn to expect the ubiquitous question about socialization. To my pleasant surprise, this group of people were either homeschooling themselves or at least open to the idea of homeschooling.

I was speaking to another mother and her major concern was that her son was advanced. How could homeschooling work for him? I pointed out that as a homeschooler, you have the ultimate freedom as to how you structure (or unstructure) your child's education. There are so many flavors of homeschooling that you can pick the approach that works best. You can pick the speed with which you cover subjects. There are no rules saying that if a child is 6 and in first grade, he must stick to first grade curricula. You can go as quickly or as slowly as your child needs. I gave Z1 as an example of someone who can spell and read on a fourth grade level but when it comes to reading comprehension, history, or science, I would say he is on a 2^nd or 3^rd grade level. I know for sure that he would probably be bored with most of the academic stuff in first grade at a typical school. (In fact, this is perhaps the most common complaint I hear from parents who send their children to school: that their children or bored or could do the school work 2 years ago.) So I tailor his school work to his individual ability and to the particular ways in which he learns. Certain curricula are actually too hands on for him or have too much review of a concept. For Z2, however, it might be a completely different story and I will adapt accordingly. The discussion really seemed to warm her up to the idea of homeschooling and we talked a bit more about curricula and approaches.

What was so funny about this interaction? Well, it was not until she was ready to go and was standing at the door with her husband and son that I nearly fell out. Her baby boy was EIGHT MONTHS OLD. How in the world did she determine that he was “advanced”? I just couldn't . . .

You know, the words “advanced” and “gifted” are bandied about with regularity in my neck of the woods. Everyone insists that their child is not your average child but different and special. To a certain extent, of course, this is true. But I honestly believe that truly gifted children are not a frequent occurrence. In fact, of all the children I have worked with over the years, I can count on one hand how many impressed me with very unusual ability of some sort. I'm reminded of one little boy who at age 5 totally understood the concept of multiplication being repeated addition and could repeatedly add any number any number of times well past 150. It was impressive. So when someone tells me their 8 month old is advanced, I can't help but balking. And breaking into a fit of laughter. Seriously? She was very serious.

A label is a label, after all. Even a positive label can carry a serious burden with it. In school, I was always labelled a “smart” kid. One of the “intelligent” ones. I took on that label and embraced it. Yes, I also worked really hard at school but underpinning all that hard work was the belief in that label and my proof was the grades I got. I didn't choose classes based on interest. I chose them based on a confidence that I could probably do well in them. So when in college I received grades of 35 (out of 100) on chemistry exams, my self-esteem nose-dived. I couldn't, with those grades, hold on to the label of being smart anymore. And frankly, I gave up on chemistry and other challenging classes and believed I was too stupid to understand it at all and wondered why all these years I had been lied to. That label had basically put me in a box and if I wasn't fitting into the box, I had a hard time figuring out who or what I was.

Interestingly enough, this past weekend I had the opportunity to work out a chemistry problem similar to one I am sure I encountered in college chemistry. It was a question about the concentration of a solution and how much salt would be required to produce that particular concentration. For some reason, that question that in college would have befuddled me made complete sense. So much so that I was able to explain it to a student in a way that she could totally understand. To the extent that I was (maybe a little overly) eager to do similar problems! I slowly realized that it wasn't me. I wasn't the reason why I didn't understand what was going on in chemistry. It was the teaching. For the first time in my life, the way I was being taught didn't match up to the way I learned but I had no way of knowing that then. Instead, I believed the lie that who I was (i.e. the “smart” girl) was really a lie.

Of course, over time, I've rebuilt my self-esteem in that area but it's taken a lot of energy and work to get to that point. It was a long fall and it is a long journey to pull myself back up to a place where I respect my intelligence but don't let the level of my intelligence define everything about me.

When I speak to my children, I acknowledge that they are indeed intelligent and special but I am adamant against pinning labels on them. And believe me, it's very easy to do especially when you have two siblings who are so vastly different from each other. The temptation is certainly there to label Z1 as the cerebral one and Z2 as the instinctive, silly one. What happens with that? When Z1 does something off-the-cuff, there's the attitude that he “should know better” instead of an acknowledgement of the fact that he's 6 and does some silly stuff at times. I'm working hard to make sure to eliminate the labels that actively work to keep myself and my children in boxes. Every moment is a moment to redefine oneself, if one wishes.

So I thought I'd share that experience . . .

Photo Credit

One thing I absolutely love about my pregnancies is how industrious I become.  I have some project going all the time.  I love the productivity!

Exercise and Allergy Relief

I am so grateful that I can be active during this pregnancy.  Though my intensity is nowhere near pre-pregnancy intensity (and I sometimes find that annoying), the movement helps me tremendously.  Allergy season is upon us and I cannot take my regular medicine since it's not recommended in pregnancy.  I've been drinking nettle tea, lemon water with local honey, and just whatever I can to minimize the severity of the allergies.  But nothing takes care of the allergy symptoms better than exercise.  And in this case, a little goes a long way.  So I huff and puff at the gym.  Build up  a bit of sweat.  And my nasal passages clear.  My lungs get clear.  My eyes stop watering. The sinus swelling goes down.  And I get to enjoy the feeling for hours and hours.  Doesn't matter if I'm moving maximum weight or less than a 1/4 of that . . . I still get the same benefit.  

My attitude towards exercise has changed so much from when I first started.  The aesthetic has become such a small part of why I do what I do.  It's surprising actually because that was the whole reason I started!  I exercise because it makes me feel good physically and mentally--and that gives me enough motivation to keep going when it gets challenging.  And getting through the challenging parts provides motivation in so many other aspects of my life.  Kind of amazing.  

Learning to trust the Process

Not necessarily because I want to, but because I have to!

The moment I found out that I was expecting our third was an interesting moment in my life. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts and many worries. To a certain extent, I still do but I am so very happy about this baby on his/her way.

One of the issues I thought about was my fitness, training, and admittedly, my weight.

Without a doubt, a healthy pregnancy involves weight gain and even though I understand that from an intellectual point of view, it is very difficult to let go of the emotional angst that comes with the weight gain. I can see that I am putting on weight in a healthy way but I'm still nervous about putting it on. How difficult will it be to lose the weight? How long will it take? I know that if worse comes to worst, I can always go back to Weight Watchers, which is how I successfully lost weight last time. But I eat a paleo diet now and it was difficult for me to reconcile paleo (high fat) to Weight Watchers. I mean, how can I really trust that my paleo diet will ensure that I lose the weight? I always hear that it's difficult to overeat fat and protein but let me tell you, it just is not the truth for me. I love to eat. A lot. I will continue to eat after I am full just because the food tastes good. I have not yet gotten to a point where I can trust myself to eat and then stop when I am full. There is a whole list of foods that I totally avoid because I know once I start, I won't or can't stop until the entire bag is gone. I have absolutely no self-control around those foods. So yeah, I'm nervous. Weight Watchers worked so well for me because it imposed limits on how much I could eat. I wouldn't eat the whole bag because that would be well over 3/4ths of my daily allowance. I am a stickler for the rules and guidelines and if they are in place, I seem to function better. Eating paleo and trying to lose weight is like jumping out of a plane but this time without a parachute. Just hoping I eventually land. I'm just not sure about it. I do know that this pregnancy has involved me eating a lot more sweets (in the form of fruit) than I usually do. I've also been eating honey pretty liberally (one of the few sweeteners allowed on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet). It's obvious to me that to lose weight, I will need to cut those out or at least significantly reduce how much of it I have. But how soon can I do that while nursing? The bottom line is that I do not trust myself. I do not know exactly what my body needs to be healthy. I am learning what my body doesn't need but I honestly do not know what it does need. Also, I think sugar is addictive so can a craving for something sweet really be trusted? But there is nothing left to do but to trust the process. Continue to eat nourishing foods. Get good sleep. Relax. Move. And I hope that will do the trick.

And then there's my weight training and fitness. I had planned to stay active throughout my pregnancy and, for the most part, I am. However, I have had to slow down significantly and although I know I should be relaxing and enjoying not pushing as much, the truth is I love to push. I love to set personal records. I do not like taking it easy. But I really have no choice in the matter. Running is really uncomfortable. Most of the movements I used to do for my high intensity interval training are a no-go too. I run out of breath easily. Heck, even walking 15 minutes to the gym feels like I have *worked*. I definitely have had to drop the weights that I use and on certain lifts (most recently vertical push and pull exercises) I feel too much strain so I refuse to do them. I'm worried about losing some of the gains I've made. When I finished Power Training for Strength, I was deadifting at a maximum 170 pounds. When I started lifting weight, I could only deadlift about 80 pounds. I mean, I have been seeing some really great gains with consistency and discipline and I worry about how much of those gains I will lose. When will I actually get my life back together after the baby is born to start seriously lifting again? I just have to accept that my body is already doing a great deal of work by growing a baby and realize that backing off is not defeat or a sign of weakness. And I also have to be grateful that I am having a low-risk pregnancy which means that even though I'm not as active as I'd want to be, I can be active.

There are many questions in my mind but I am trying to relax despite my concerns. I am regularly practicing yoga (accepting that most of my yoga DVDs are no longer suitable and I need to stick to prenatal ones). And I've finally incorporated a meditation practice into my life that relaxes me and helps me be more patient and understanding. I have been working with Shimoff's book Happy for No Reason. I've been keeping a gratitude journal every day, no exception. I write down three or more things for which I am grateful. And surprisingly, even on days that I don't think I have much to be grateful for, I come up with things. Usually far more than 3 things. So if nothing else, not being able to do fitness related things has given me time to do more meditative, healing things. Spiritual fitness, I suppose one could say. And that is a wonderful gift that this baby is giving me. Another thing for which to be grateful.  

Latest Projects

The brown hat is the Brattleboro Hat.  I found the buttons at a local fabric store. They were only 50 cents a piece!  The red hat is the Urban Shells Beanie and it is tiny!  I really liked the pattern though.  Both hats were projects to use up scrap yarn.  

The shawl is Carol's Clever Little Shawl.  It was a very pleasant knit although I don't think it's my style anymore.  It's very warm and cozy though.  

The scarf is the 5th Avenue Infinity Scarf.  That was a very pleasant knit as well.  I enjoyed knitting it very much.  Although by the time I finished it, it was no longer winter since spring decided to come early.  I look forward to using it next winter though.

The shawl and the scarf were knit using Paton's Classic Wool yarn that I got at Michael's. It seems like Michael's is no longer carrying it though which is a bummer.  It was a really nice convenience to just go down the road and get a good quality, natural fiber yarn.  

There's one more hat that I just finished but I haven't photographed yet.  It was another stash-busting project and I should have a picture soon.  I've got my next two projects lined up already.  I ordered yarn from KnitPicks for those.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to use a couple of ounces of wool/acrylic blend yarn I have to make some kind of newborn size sweater.  It won't be for my baby since he/she will be a summer baby but it'll be a nice thing to have on hand for any winter babies that will be born.  

Keeping my fingers busy has been good for me lately.  I like the feeling of productivity so I'm keeping the projects small-ish.  

So thankful for homemade yogurt!

I'm  so thankful that I had some homemade yogurt tonight.  I made a smoothie with it a couple of minutes ago and I think my stomach is settling down enough for me to get some sleep soon.  My GIT was doing really well all day until I had dinner: beef stew with kale in it and also mashed cauliflower.  Kale and cauliflower are cruciferous vegetables which give many people GIT distress.  And I ate both of those in one sitting and boy, am I in distress.  I'm not thrilled at the prospect of eliminating all those vegetables from my diet.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that it is not really an option.  I need the vitamins and minerals I get from them but I don't need the digestive problems (because I also need to sleep and I need to not feel like shit).  I know very well that there's a serious imbalance in my GIT tract and that's why I can't handle so many foods.  That is why homemade yogurt is so helpful to me.  More helpful than any other probiotic pill or powder that I have ever taken.  I need to be more diligent about making and drinking my bone broth and the yogurt.  I don't really have a choice in the matter.  I tend to not order the bones and the raw milk to make this stuff because it's pretty expensive and it's pretty inconvenient to go and pick it up but I have to approach it as medicine.  I think it would be more worth my while to put the money into whole food supplements than into pill supplements.  So that's what I'm going to focus on.  

Photo Credit

Revenge of the Bridesmaids

I am having one of my insomnia bouts due to my digestive health.  Always fun.  

I ended up watching a move that's streaming on Netflix called Revenge of the Bridesmaids starring Raven SymonÉ.  It got pretty good ratings and I figured it would be something light and funny to take my mind off how I'm feeling.  

It was . . . not funny.  I guess I'm older now and it takes a lot to make me laugh.  The humor has got to be intelligent.  It can't take the easy route and go for the cheap laugh.  Especially when the cheap laugh is at the expense of Black women.

Ms. Symone is a beautiful woman--just lovely.  I respect how long she's been able to stay relevant in the entertainment game.  And I know that she is the one who makes decisions about the roles she takes.  I hate that she decided to take this role in Revenge of the Bridesmaids.  The role is, basically, sarcastic, sassy, trouble-making Black woman.  Manless to boot because she is all those things and **gasp** is not rail thin.  She is the butt of insults throughout the movie.  While the other characters have and are deserving of love interests, she is not.  All she is good for is supporting others in their love interests by making a fool of herself.  

I guess this is a role Ms. Symone always plays, i.e. the sassy, bumbling clown and I shouldn't be offended.  Well, I'm not really offended.  Just kind of disappointed because I believe she could do and be better if she wanted to. 

But after all, it was an ABC Family movie.  Not that deep.  But, you know, as a Black woman you just get tired of the same old tropes being trotted out over and over and over again.  Whatever.  

A documentary about Barbara Jordan is soon to be released.  I'm excited about it. We desperately need alternative, positive images of Black women.   

No Homebirth this Time Around

Giving birth to Z2 at home was an amazing experience.  Homebirth is and always will be my ideal.  But after weeks of fighting with my insurance company, I finally got them to tell me how much they would pay and it is less than half of the midwife's fee.  I thought about how I could work out a payment plan or something to come up with the balance before I hit 36 weeks. I thought about maybe purchasing additional insurance (which is quite difficult and could get just as pricey as the midwife's fee).  But I have finally accepted that I am not in a financial position to swing this homebirth.  I thought about going unassisted but I am not totally comfortable with that especially since the hubby is really only marginally cool with even midwife-assisted homebirth.  

My other options are to go with the certified nurse midwife practice with which I had Z1. They deliver in a hospital and the idea is just repugnant to me.  As luck would have it, one of the last two freestanding birth centers is only about 20 minutes from me.  I called today to set up an appointment and good thing I did.  I found out that you can't birth in the birthing center if you don't have your first appointment within the first 24 weeks of pregnancy.  They had *one* appointment left within that timeframe (I have until May 1st) and that is next Friday, March 30, 2012 at 4:30.  Not the most convenient time for me but I'm feeling lucky that I actually got an appointment.

So I e-mailed my midwife and on Wednesday, she will fax me all my documents (positive pregnancy test and lab results) which I must take with me on Friday. 

The birth center is not currently giving tours but the two pictures I saw look good.  My intention is to labor at home as long as possible before I go there.  And I'm hoping to leave as soon as I give birth.  I have some more questions that I will ask on Friday but I'm pretty sure this is it.  

I have to be honest when I say that I am relieved because the stress of trying to figure  out how I could afford the midwife was getting to me.  And the last thing I need is stress.

But I won't lie and say that I'm not supremely disappointed that my homebirth won't happen.  Nothing was more magical than lying in my own bed with my two boys after giving birth to Z2.  Amazing.  And there's that feeling of giving up on something you really want.  One more thing it feels like I am giving up on.  And wondering what next?  I feel powerless to make my desires come true and that is not a very good feeling at all.  And there's also that feeling of having my "crunchy mama" card revoked, silly as that may sound.  Having homebirths, in a real or perceived way, is a hallmark of being a natural, in-tune, alternative earth mama.  I'm finding myself kind of hesitant to share my decision too widely with folks.

But, there is just so much we could do for this baby with the $5,000 we would be paying for his/her birth. I guess this is what being a grown up is about--making hard decisions and sometimes putting aside what's most ideal for what is most practical.  Having and raising another child is a pretty big expense in and of itself.  The best situation is to bring him/her into the world with the least amount of stress (and the most resources) possible.