What I will do when the kids are older and don't really need me as intensely as they do now. Oh, I have lots of ideas about the things I'd like to do. But the truth is, my confidence is sorely lacking. I like to write but I'm not convinced I have what it takes. I contemplate going back to school to get my Ph.D. in something like anthropology/nutrition. I know that I excel in academics but do I really think well enough to do something novel in the field? Or will I just be another Ph.D.? I'm not trying to pay for any more school. Am I competitive enough to get a fellowship? I already started a home-based baking business that really has not taken off. Today, I re-vamped it a bit focusing exclusively on baking cookies (Check out the myspace page). All while working on it, I did not feel the least bit hopeful or optimistic. At the end of all that, I wonder if I should just go back to teaching. I know I really wouldn't want to teach because I don't feel that teaching is family-friendly at all. But I have the degree. I know I can do it. I don't know that I'd be a phenomenal teacher but I'd be okay. I could work on becoming phenomenal. Maybe after I teach for a while, I could pursue an advanced degree? Teach on the college level? Do research? That would give me the qualifications I need to open up my own school here or in Africa.
My one encouragement is that as the children start to need me less that it will become very obvious to me what is it that I should do to attain success in my own eyes because I will have the energy to look for and pursue it. I think I haven't yet stumbled upon what it is I'm really supposed to be doing. I don't have the time or the energy right now and I wonder will I ever have the luxury of "finding myself". As always, there's the nagging pressure of reality and the need to "pull one's own weight" and when the kids (who are my main job) are not so needy anymore . . . It's cool having the hubby provide financially for now but I know that at some point, mama wants to bring home the bacon too.
I know that 3/4ths of success is having the right mindset. It just seems that when I get excited and hyped about something, fully believing it's going to work, it just doesn't. I've done the whole manifesting thing, thinking positively, making affirmations--the whole nine yards. I have a vision statement that I faithfully looked at every day to encourage myself. Many of the things in that vision statements are still not anywhere close to being reality. My hair was one of those things. My allergies another. I affirmed coming into money for months and months and thought that by now surely my car would be paid off somehow. Every idea I got for making money, I pursued it thinking it was divine inspiration. I just don't know. I'm in such an interesting place spiritually.
The one thing I am excited about and (I think) very successful at is mothering and homemaking. I pour 110% of my energy into it and I seem to get 110% returns. That is why I'm so focused and passionate about it.
A part of me wishes that I had gotten a career in order or achieved some kind of goals (beside graduating college) before I settled down and had children. It's next to impossible to really focus on yourself/hear yourself think while taking care of a busy household. It's past midnight right now. I have to be up by 6:30/7:00 to take Z1 to his structured playgroup tomorrow. I feel like I'm stealing time just to post this.
Here's to figuring all this stuff out. I hope it's resolved by the time I'm 30. For real, yo.