Book Review: The Joys of Motherhood by Buchi Emecheta

Years ago, a close friend of mine was cleaning out her books and let me have this one.  Up until that point, I had read very few books by Nigerian novelists and none by female Nigerian novelists.  I don't know why it had never occurred to me but I was happy to be introduced to that world by Buchi Emecheta through the novel The Joys of Motherhood.

Nnu Ego, the main character, goes from being in an ideal marriage (to an ideal man, in an ideal setting, surrounded by both material and "people" wealth) that unfortunately does not lead to any children to being in a situation she could never have imagined (to an overweight, domestic servant who she does not respect in an urban setting totally different than any thing has ever known and abject poverty) that does lead to many children.  Too many children.  Children that Nnu Ego regards as blessings though we as the reader cannot agree.  The more children she has, the more difficult her life becomes.  However, she is locked into a very traditional view that she can't shake: that motherhood is what makes a woman and is therefore main goal in life.  Once one has children, everything becomes more bearable; you can put up with any kind of nonsense.  Even when in reality, children often times complicate things and make it more difficult to bear things.  Here's a more detailed synopsis of the plot.  I am always haunted by how the book ends.  It is, to me, quite profound. 

I have read The Joys of Motherhood a few times now and each time I grow to appreciate this book more deeply.  Emecheta is a talented and brilliant writer and it is a joy to read any of her work but this particular book stands out to me.  It is such a great story.  And though at times Emecheta can become a bit heavy handed with the lesson she is trying to convey, the greatness of her storytelling never gets lost.  For me, that means that through the vehicle of a wonderful story, I am encouraged to sort out all kinds of issues surrounding my ideas of motherhood and how they have been influenced by the society I've grown up in and also (surprisingly and to a great extent) the society my mother grew up in.  After all, many of us take our first lessons on motherhood (and on wife-dom) from our mothers.  But there are so many other issues Emecheta tackles in this novel: ideas of manhood, criticisms of colonialism, analysis of what happens when colonialism and traditionalism collide, what children owe parents, the place of education and so much more.

Anyway, it's wonderful to read stories from folks who have the same kind of cultural references.  It's fun to read in print sayings that you've heard over and over or interesting to have ways of thinking/traditions questioned and explored.  I also find it so ironic that Ms. Emecheta has five children of her own!  It just elevates the irony of the title to a whole new level.   Hilarious! 

One thought at a time. Step by Step.

It's funny how sometimes one life experience correlates to another in a really profound way.  My weight loss has amazing correlations to my struggle with self-esteem.  

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I've struggled since the fifth grade with intense self-esteem issues regarding how I look.  I remember that during middle school, I would literally cringe if I caught my reflection in the mirror.  That is how badly I felt about myself.  That's how ugly I thought I was.  

I went through a whole lot of mental anguish and torment for years and years.  I dealt with a great deal of foolishness from men because of how badly I felt I looked.  I spent lots of time thinking I had to settle because most likely, that was the best I could do.  I really believed that the world valued beauty much more than intelligence and so I was out of luck, despite how bright I might have been.  I classified myself as an ugly person and going through life, I also categorized other people.  I empathized with other "ugly" people and felt really low around "beautiful" people.  Being dark-skinned didn't help my cause at all.  Growing up, pretty usually meant being "fair" skinned with cooperative hair.  I didn't fit the bill.

Anyway, long story short, I'm in a place now where I can look in the mirror with ease and I like what I see.  Sure, there are times when parts of my body irritate me (like my post-pregnancy belly) but overall, I'm happy and satisfied with who I am and what I look like.  I wouldn't change anything.  Ten years ago, I had a whole list of things that I would love to be different.  

I think to myself that getting to this place where I'm reasonably comfortable with myself was a real process, a journey.  Sometimes I think folks who haven't struggled with these intense mental issues surrounding their look have a hard time understanding how paralyzing and difficult it can be to deal with those issues and also how daunting it can be to recover.  They often offer up simplistic explanations that boil down to "Think positively."  

For me, it's been helpful to devise small techniques to train my mind to think differently and to encourage myself when I feel down about myself.  My Buddhist practice has been tremendous in helping me to get here because finally, I realize down to the bottom of my soul that my worth doesn't have much to do with how I look.  To the contrary, I am inherently valuable.  I don't know what it is about the way Buddhism teaches this that resonated with me but it did and I got it.  This doesn't mean that I don't have to meditate on this truth consistently.  I really do.  Accepting my inherent value has also helped me do something that I had heard forever: stop comparing myself to others.  Instead, when I feel like I'm about to get super critical of myself in light of how someone else looks, I just observe the person's style and think about ways that I could maybe do something like that.  Negative thoughts are never far but doing this helps redirect my attention and I'm able to stifle those thoughts that would tear me down.  I also started to avoid certain publications, websites and books and surrounded myself with books like Meditations to Heal Your Life.  I read these kinds of books so much that they played like tapes in my head.  I got to the very root of my self-esteem issues and in so doing, was better able to heal myself. 

There are many other little things, baby steps, I've taken to move myself along on this journey to total self-acceptance.  I'm still on the road and I love it when I'm able to add other tools to my toolbox.

It's kind of like weight loss in that way.  It's difficult to fathom dropping 30 or 40 pounds.  But if you take it one pound at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time, the daunting becomes so possible.  

When I first decided I didn't want to feel so badly about myself any more, I was totally overwhelmed.  "Just love yourself!" "Just know that you are beautiful!" "How!?!" I would ask desperately.  But it's the same as weight loss. One thought at a time.  Step by step.  

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Which should come first?

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that last year I got serious about fitness.  I started exercising regularly and began my yoga practice.  At the time, I was not working and our budget was seriously tight.  There was no way I could afford to take a weekly yoga class and even the specials that many yoga studios offered were out of my league.  But I knew I wanted to incorporate yoga into my fitness routine as a way to become more flexible and strong.  

Yoga has become much more to me over these past few months and I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to be introduced to it by . . . a DVD.  I can acknowledge that it would probably have been more ideal to have worked with a certified yoga instructor but I can also be honest and say that if I had waited to start practicing until I could afford it, I would probably still be waiting.  Doing yoga DVDs at home was not only cheap but convenient since I didn't have to travel anywhere to do them.  I'd simply wake up in the morning, toss on some comfortable clothes and get to it!

I know many recommend that you start practicing yoga under the guidance of a real instructor to avoid injury.  A yoga teacher would know about alignment and help his/her student get his/her body into the proper form.  That one-on-one is missing with yoga DVDs.  But happily, many yoga DVDs today are actually very detailed and precise.  One such DVD is Living Room Yoga Strengthen and Lengthen.  Other DVDs while not as precise, are slow enough and simple enough as to be easily accessible to even the most rank beginner.  One such routine is the Fat Burning Yoga program on Crunch: Perfect Yoga Workout.  

I've read a number of times that sometimes yoga practicitioners struggle to develop a home practice. since they practice primarily under the guidance of teacher in a class setting.  I think since I started at home, I really developed a love for my practice at home in solitude.  Oh, I enjoy the energy of a class but I find home practice invigorating too.  Another wonderful thing about practicing and studying on my own first is that when I first arrived at class,  I had a pretty good idea of terminology and of what was going on in general. 

I'm not advocating that people begin their yoga practice the way I did.  But I will say that it worked for me.  These DVDs gave me a way to start practicing.  They made it accessible to me.  I won't lament how expensive yoga classes can be now that yoga is a trend.  I won't point out that only folks who are doing pretty well financially could swing unlimited yoga classes.  I will point out that I can practice yoga as often as I want at home with my DVDs and not worry about breaking the bank.  I will also say that there is a book out there that really helped me maximize my yoga DVDs and it's called 30 Essential Yoga Poses.  The book offers detailed explanations as to what the body should be doing in each pose and why each pose is beneficial as well as warnings and contraindications.  So I don't have to worry about breaking something.  

I do want to deepen and extend my yoga practice (physical and spiritual) so I hope to one day soon be able to find an instructor who can help me.  I actually want to find a guru.  I'm not in the position now, but I want to take classes on a regular basis at some point. Certain poses I refuse to try at home on my own such as plow pose or headstand.  But I want to get there with the help of a teacher.  So please don't take this post as minimizing the importance of yoga instructors and yoga teachers.   

So if asked which should come first, classes or at home, I'd say that's a very individual decision that is largely based on one's own personality (will you try to force your body into doing things it's not ready for or are you able to listen to your body), likes and dislikes (some folks don't like any form of solitary exercise), and last but not least, intuition (see the post below). 

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That little voice: intuition or unconscious reasoning?

I read an article in the July 2010 issue of Oprah Magazine called The Power of Eureka.  

I honestly believe that we know the answers to every complex question we are faced with and that deep down, we always know what to do next.  At times, we may be confused about the answers or the next step, but if we give ourselves a chance to be still, the answer will bubble to the surface in the form of a little voice.  After years of trying to hear the voice of God, I realize that for me, it's that little voice that I was searching for.  And that little voice it is nothing more than our own intuition.  Now some may say that when you get to that place where you can hear that little voice, you know that you and God are connected.  I tend to think that it is a certain intelligence that the Creator/Creative Force hard-wired into us when creating us.  

So this article intrigued me because it posits that:

While intuition may seem to arise from some mysterious inner source, it's actually a form of unconscious reasoning--one that's rooted in the way our brains collect and store information. 

It amazing to me that sometimes folks won't acknowledge "the mysterious" when "the mysterious" happens every day.  We don't know how the Earth stays on it's axis and night becomes day.  There's so many examples of "the mysterious" happening all around, things that we don't really have an explanation for that we accept and even embrace.  Who sits around agonizing about whether the sun will rise tomorrow?

In a similar vein, I think sometimes we know certain things without ever having experienced them and without being able to explain how we know it.  So it's not quite so accurate to reduce all our intuitive power to simple unconscious reasoning.  Sometimes, you just know.  And the more you pay attention to your intuition, I think, the more effectively your brain (the thinking part of you) is able to size up situations and make instant decisions that are right in line with your intuition.  In other words, your thinking self and your spiritual become more and more unified.  

The article says that "your intuition may not always steer you right" but I disagree.  I believe that you can't go wrong listening to your gut but here's my disclaimer: your heart and mind must be in the right place.  And I think that happens by cultivating a consistent time to go into yourself, be still, and figure out how to hear that little voice even when there's whole bunch of noise and nonsense going.  Some call it meditation but if you don't want to give it a haughty name, call it quiet time. 

In giving advice, the article says, "your intuition may be based on something superficial".  To me, that's so untrue.  Intuition, I think, is what grounds and connects us.  Something that powerful could never be superficial.  

And from my own personal experience, my head has lead me wrong a number of times.  My gut?  If I can hear it and if I choose to listen, had never done such a thing.  I'll trust my gut, thank you very much!

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New Month for Chalean Extreme!

This week I started The Lean Phase of the Chalean Extreme program.  I'm loving it despite the fact that each workout is about 15 minutes longer than the workouts in The Push Phase.  I'm sore in some very good ways.  The only issue with lifting heavy weights is that I get a whole lot of painful tension jammed in my shoulders.  Going to the chiropractor helps but I haven't really had the time to get there.  I should though.  In addition to working on The Lean Phase, I'm also sticking with Ab Ripper X.  I tried Chalean Extreme's "Extreme Abs" workout but it creates a lot of uncomfortable neck tension.  I hate sit-ups and sit-up like exercises so Extreme Abs is not a good fit.  I'm not thrilled about continuing with Ab Ripper X but I'm starting to see some real improvements.  The Fifer scissors are my biggest struggle but I'm able to do 10 in a row, take a break for 5, and complete the last 10 with my legs completely straight.  This is good progress for me.  I can do in-and-outs with my arms up which I discovered last week!  I mean, there's so much that I can do now with this workout that I couldn't do before--and I love it!  So I'm going to work on mastering Ab Ripper X.  I'm very pleased with the results doing it are yielding. 

Oh, and I've also been making more of an effort to eat more lean protein. I think that's making a bit of a difference too. 

I also realized just a few days ago that a 5K race is just a little over 3 miles.  I'm looking forward to finding a race and training for it just to see how I will do.  I ran 2.5 miles this morning . . . it was kind of rough because I was trying to do it within a certain amount of time (30 minutes).  I just  really want to see how much I can do if I focus and train. 

Respect Each Others Paths

You know, against my better judgment, I post my two cents to certain threads on message boards from time to time.  Even though I do it much much less than I used to, I still can find myself emotionally entangled by these "discussions".  Luckily, I'm wise enough now to know that I should quit early and I do.  Luckily, I have this blog to lay out my thoughts and get it all out.  Hopefully, I will learn that I shouldn't get involved in the first place because I really don't have the extra energy to spare.

Anyway, one such thread I posted to was about the fact that in regards to finances, it's more difficult to be single.  My comment was that while I'm happily married, I can't help but feel a little anxiety at the thought of being completely on my own financially.  I've never had the experience of living completely on my own having left from my parents house right to my husbands house.  It would be a real learning curve but I know within myself that I am resourceful and smart and that I could get on my own two feet.  Some folks responded to my comments as if I would stay in a horrible relationship because of what would, in my opinion, be normal anxiety at a complete change of lifestyle.  Others simply stated that they would advise all women to live completely on their own before marriage.  This was the comment that got under my skin.  There's nothing quite like someone implying that the decision you made for you life was wrong, or worse, stupid.  What happened to respecting other folk's paths and decisions?  Of course, I've wondered at times what life would have been like had I rejected the hubby's proposal and remained single . . . would I be amongst the statistics of women who are simply not getting married these days?  Maybe.  But that's really not the main point:  there is not one path for everyone and not more than one generation ago, it was the norm for people to move out of their parents home into their marital home.  Furthermore, as I have discovered, having married at a young age directly from my parents home, I have learned quite a lot--things that I see my unmarried or newly married peers are yet to grasp and may not ever grasp such as learning how to keep your mouth shut sometimes or letting your husband take the helm (not relinquishing your own power but acknowledging that things work better if one person is steering the ship and knowing the differences) or realizing that certain things you may think your husband can give you, he cannot and you're wasting your time looking to him for those things.  How was that for a run-on sentence? It's been interesting growing up within a marriage and I'm blessed to be with a man who really gives me the space to change, grow and be me.  At this point, I am firm in saying that if I had to do it all over again, I would do it the exact same way.  As it stands now, I'm done having children and by the time my children are fully grown, I will still be relatively young, which is awesome.  But even though it has been a positive experience for me, I wouldn't advise all women to get married at a young age out of their parents house.  I would say to listen to your gut (intuition) and make a decision that's best for you. 

Another thread about finances discussed the fact that some women feel the need to have a secret stash of money just in case.  My opinion is that unless there is some kind of abuse or gross mismanagement of funds, this is not necessary.  But I can respect that a woman may have that need inside her to keep something for herself, completely away from her husband especially if she has seen things go horribly wrong in her mother's relationship to her father.  I don't have that need.  I kept my own personal (pre-marriage) account until I couldn't anymore because I didn't have consistent income coming in and they were charging me to keep the account open.  I closed it and for a number of years, we just had one joint account.  During that time, I was able to develop a deep and abiding trust and confidence in my husband, which is priceless.  However, when I started my job, I got my own account in my name alone.  It certainly feels nice and is a huge boost to my self-esteem to have my own money yet I wouldn't say this is something every women must go out and do.   I (foolishly) shared my experience on this thread and the response was (and I'm paraphrasing), "You idiot! Don't you know that anything you open after marriage, your husband has access too?" Well, obviously!  Anything you do while married is potentially something your spouse could lay claim to.  That goes both ways.  So because you're married, now what? Don't invest? Don't open any accounts? Don't do anything for fear that your husband may one day go insane and try to take all your stuff?  I totally don't get it!  It kind of flowed along the same lines as the other discussion, i.e. it's best to be on your own completely before marriage and then to keep all your own stuff after.  Now, don't get me wrong:  I see nothing wrong with that approach but I also can acknowledge that other ways of going about things could work well too. 

Anyway, this post is more of a venting post that anything else.   I'm fascinated (and sometimes saddened) by all the different ways people approach this often challenging thing called marriage.  To each his or her own, I say.  It's a reminder to me that it doesn't feel good when someone decides how they did it was the best way to do it and is how everyone should do it and those who don't do it that way are  misguided, living in a dream world, stupid or just plain wrong.  It reminds me to respect the path and decisions of others--even if I don't necessarily agree.  And to stay the hell away from these threads.  LoL!

What next?

For the past two nights, Z2 has fallen asleep at night without nursing.  The first time, I thought it was because he was really tired since he hadn't taken a nap that day.  He just sort of passed out.  Last night, all I did was sing 2 or 3 rounds of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, and he was out like a light.  So, I think our nursing days are really winding down.  I'm ambivalent about it though.  On the one hand, I'm happy that I don't have to nurse him to sleep anymore.  I can't imagine there is any milk left but he still needed the comfort and, I don't know, it was cozy and sweet to nurse him to sleep most of the time.  Other times, I just wanted him to go to sleep already.  The other part of me knows that this means that the baby days are drawing to a close and I'm not quite ready for that to happen yet.  Especially since Z2 will most likely be my last baby, a fact that I have grudgingly accepted.  I know there's still a chance that we might have another one since no permanent steps have been taken, but the hubby is really adamant about it with no budging in sight.  And looking forward to taking those permanent steps.

So Z2's weaning, in conjunction with getting an extension to my teaching certificate for two years (I can't extend it again after this) also forces me to think about what I'm going to do next.  I believe Z1 and Z2 still need me around most of the time so I'm trying to think of what I could do that would allow me that flexibility:

• Go back to school for my Ph.D.?  Can I find a fellowship/scholarship?  I refuse to take out any more loans for education and really, a fellowship or scholarship is the only acceptable way for me to go this route.  I love teaching and just from teaching my crochet class in June, I know that I would really enjoy teaching adults.  Plus I could write academically.  I know being a professor would be a fulfilling experience and realized a few weeks ago that even when I wanted to be a doctor, I knew I didn't want to practice medicine forever: eventually, I wanted to teach doctors.  I wanted a Ph.D. after my M.D.  Interesting.   
• Sell my Subaru Outback wagon and get a bigger car (like a Toyota Sienna AWD) so I could babysit two or three children?  This would do two things: scratch my itch for more children and bring in some income.  I could definitely homeschool with this arrangement.  But just like I don't want an education debt, I don't want any debt from a car.  The Subaru is paid off and has lots of life yet.  How and where could I get a (relatively) new car without getting into debt?
• Focus on my writing and really push to get published.  This is an ultimate goal in my life.  Should I really just concentrate now?  Can I concentrate now with the kids so young?
• Go back to teaching children?  Now that I know so much more about how I would approach it, I am sure I would do better.  But teaching in a traditional school setting just doesn't afford me the flexibility I need.  But it's a wonderful career that I know could (potentially) be fulfilling. 

So it really feels like I'm at a crossroad (though I think I have about two more years or so before I can jump into any option--I need Z2 to be at least 4) . . . just because my breastfeeding relationship with Z2 is coming to a close.  I always tell people that breastfeeding is much more than providing nourishment for a baby.  There is nothing quite like looking down at the angelic face of your baby and knowing that you are the one providing sustenance.  Amazing.  But for me, there has been much more to it.  It's been a real test of character and perseverance.  I wouldn't be facetious if I ascribed some spiritual attributes to it as well.   The connection to Z1 and Z2 that I formed because of it . . . I can hardly describe.   The connection to other breastfeeding mothers . . . beautiful.  And now as my journey is ending, breastfeeding is what I will use to mark the beginning of a new chapter in my life . . . powerful

Don't Flaunt It, Mrs. Obama!

I was reading this article about Michelle Obama and her "lavish" vacation in Spain.  Here is another article that really blasts Mrs Obama:

But while most of the country is pinching pennies and downsizing summer sojourns-or forgoing them altogether--the Obamas don't seem to be heeding their own advice.   

The author seems to think the Obamas should be cutting back like the rest of us especially since Mrs. Obama is taking this vacation on the taxpayers dime.  She labels Mrs. Obama a "material girl" and a modern-day Marie Antoinette.  Articles like this always make me roll my eyes.  

Mrs. Obama was wealthy before she became the first lady.  She had been able to afford this standard of living long before Barack Obama made it to the White House.  The only difference before was that she was not as high profile.  I personally don't feel like she has to change her life completely for anyone's benefit.  And we as taxpayers are paying Barack Obama's salary and benefits.  That doesn't mean we have the right to dictate how they decide to spend money that is earmarked for their personal use.   And it is not their fault that they need to travel troops of Secret Service.  That's the world we live in.  Furthermore, we pay the Secret Service their salaries to do a job, i.e. protect the First Family.  They would need to do this job whether Mrs. Obama decided to vacation in Chicago, Spain or on the moon. 

I get it.  Times are hard.  The economy is doing terribly.  Folks have never experienced such difficulty.  But even Christ acknowledged that there will always be haves and have nots.  It's how the world has been set up.  Why begrudge anyone for their good fortune?  It's not as if Mrs. Obama doesn't do her fair share of community oriented work.  But she's still a high status and very wealthy woman.  Why shouldn't she enjoy it?  I know I would. 

Human nature dictates that people sacrifice when they have to.  The Obamas don't have to.  It would be a nice gesture to take more frugal vacations but honestly and truly, we all know that there is nothing the Obamas will do that won't draw criticism.  If she vacations in Virginia, folks will whine about how she bought (gasp) $15 drinks at the bar.  If she decides not to take a vacation at all, folks will question her motives and accuse her of being a martyr.  Please. 

And it's absurd to compare Mrs. Obama to Marie Antoinette.  Yes, the country is going through rigors right now and everybody is taking it really easy.  But just like in the first Great Depression, not everyone will suffer.  Some will be just fine.  Some will stand to make a whole lot of money because of the whole thing.  It is not Mrs. Obama's responsibility to soothe folks and make them feel better about the mess that we have put ourselves in.  We are all complicit in this economic ditch we find ourselves in and sooner or later, everyone will feel it in some way or the other.  Just some more than others. 

Mrs. Obama shouldn't dim her light for the benefit of anyone else--shouldn't dumb herself down so others don't feel intimidated by her intelligence or scale back her vacations so others aren't reminded about how much they are struggling. She's not flaunting it.  We would have never have known about this vacation without the media taking pictures and creating a buzz.   She shouldn't hide how wealthy she is.  She's worked hard and she should enjoy it.  And she is not doing anything that previous First Wives have not done.  She is the wife of the President of the United States.  Why not act like it?

I'm saying all this as someone who took her last vacation three or four years ago to Ghana.  And it's still up in the air as to whether that was a vacation at all.  

My advice to all those offended by Mrs. Obama's trip?  Focus on yourself.   I know it's hard to see others enjoying when you're struggling but don't begrudge anybody their wealth.   That doesn't attract wealth or fortune. Work on building (or conserving) your own spiritual, emotional, social and financial wealth. To me, that is energy far better spent.  

Plus the outfit Mrs. Obama was wearing was flyy.  Haters are always going to hate. 

Should I grow it out again?

I've been wearing my hair very short for more than a year now.  I think I'm approaching 2 years since Z2 is going to turn 3 in December.  Yesterday, the hubby cut my hair as he usually does every 2 to 3 weeks.  While he was cutting it, he suggested that come winter I try to grow it out again.  Initially, my reflexive response was, "No way."  But I let him continue talking.  He said that it's been a while and that I should give it another go.  Don't do much to it.  Just wash and wear.  I thought about it for a moment then I realized that I do have a job now and I have to go to work every week.  I mean, my job is very laid back but I still want to be neat and professional.  All the other times I have grown my hair out I was in school or just staying at home.  

Furthermore, and perhaps more importantly, I do not want to go through all this again.  My hair will grow out nice and full and then eventually start to break off.  I don't have the time, energy or the money to invest in trying out products and seeing what works for my hair, i.e. what might help strengthen it and keep it on my head.  The hubby seems to think that with all the exercise and because I'm eating differently, things may be different this time.  Maybe.  I don't much want to try.

The hubby likes this short cut on me and I think it looks good too.  But I know he would prefer it if I had longer hair.  I won't pretend that his preference doesn't play on my insecurities from time to time.  Now that I do have a lot of muscle on my body and the short cut, I often wonder if I'm giving off enough a feminine vibe.  It's amazing how much we associate softness and long hair to femininity. 

If my hair did somehow grow this time around and I let it lock, I would still be inclined to wrap my locks.  And I'm just not in the mood for headwraps at the moment.  Not to mention that for my face, I need styles that are not too big . .. a big, poofy afro just wouldn't work so naturally I'd need some headwraps and scarves to get me through that in-between stage.

In fact, I'm just comfortable with this style I've got going on right now.  Even though sometimes I wish I could do something different, this is very practical. 

Book Review: Lift by Kelly Corrigan

Lift by Kelly Corrigan is a slim volume that is a love letter to the author's two young daughters.  Having two children myself, I could of course appreciate the desire to write something to let my babies know some important things about how I thought about them, how they were,  my hopes for them, some wisdom I have gathered over the years, what I was thinking, the experiences that drove my actions, what I was trying to achieve, why I failed them at times, and why I was such a great success at other.

Corrigan is a cancer survivor and this of course informs how she writes this letter to her daughters.  To me, there's an underlying sadness (or is it sentimentality) that was sometimes difficult for me to get through.  Especially since, aside from her own life and death struggles, she speaks of the death of the son of one of her close friends.   She actually spends 1/8th of the book on this subject (and since the book is not more than 100 words, this is actually a good chunk of the book).  I think she tried to draw lessons from the boy's death that she could pass on to her children in this letter to them but all I felt was this choking sadness and loss that really darkened the whole message and beauty of the book.  Still, there was a lot of "lift", insight and wisdom bolstered by the humor that life will often impart.

I enjoyed it tremendously.  There were some real jewels in this book the main one being how the author derived the title.  The writing was lyrical and really, you could complete the book in one sitting.  I don't know if it's because I'm a mother myself that this book touched me.  I can't say my review of it is unbiased.  But for such a little book, it's well worth the read.  I'm looking forward to reading her other book soon.  

Here is an excerpt from Lift.

Immediately after reading Lift, I began to read The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold (which a  new movie is based on).  I couldn't even get a quarter way through: too gorey and heart-wrenching.  I honestly coudln't do it.  

Currently, I'm re-reading The Joys of Motherhood by Buchi Emecheta (one of my all-time favorite novels).  Once I finish that, I'm so looking forward to reading Dreaming Me by Jan Willis.  I want to get into some other books about Black Buddhists too. 

And I am just wondering to myself . . . I believe and hope that I am at least a good an author as some of these wonderful authors I have been reading.  Wondering when my time will come.

Book Review: The Color of Water

I had known about James McBride's book The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute to His White Mother since high school (or early college) but never picked it up.  Some years ago, I found a hardbound copy at either the thrift store or a library fund-raising sale and bought. it  I only recently got around to reading it, though, while I was waiting for a book I had placed on hold to come in at the library (Lift by Kelly Corrigan). 

The Color of Water was a good read, full of poignancy and triumph in the face of racism, poverty and (sometimes) overwhelming cultural dictates.  It is just a beautiful story and you could tell how much McBride respects  his mother: it came through every word.  And if the story McBride tells is true, his mother is an extraordinary woman, who was not interested in what others thought but was self-assured and confident in her ability to make the right decision no matter what.  

McBride approaches the story in a very methodical way.  He interviews his mother (who is less than willing to give an yinformation) and researches his mother's background on his own (not coming up with much).  It seems like because his mother was not one to share freely, McBride was unable to tell us about how she felt at certain moments: we have to kind of piece it together for ourselves.  That's fine though . . . it speaks to the kind of woman his mother was in terms of her personality and approach to life.  She didn't have the luxury of unnecessary emotional shows.  I guess in that regard I would say the book lacks a certain depth: an exploration into the inner workings.  I think also that this study of his mom was equally a way to learn about himself (where he came from and how he came to be who he is) as a tribute to his mom.

And I found it very interesting that what ends up being super important to list at the end of the book was all the academic accomplishments of McBride's siblings.  A little hollow, I thought.  I sure hope my parents wouldn't list my academic accomplishments as the main thing they are proud of. 

I also noticed when reading reviews that some Jewish people were not too pleased with this book.  If I were Jewish, I don't think I'd be either. 

Anyway, it's good to own the book.  I think I would read it again. 

Count Your Blessings

From Distant Relatives by Nas and Damian Marley.  Awesome album, by the way.

Two Awesome Dishes brought to you by . . .

My Cuisinart 14-cup food processor!  

I've said before how much I love my food processor.  It makes short work of tons of tasks and next to a good knife, it is (for me) an essential kitchen tool.  Just today, thanks to this wonderful machine, I was able to crank out two wonderful dishes.  The first was 5-Minute Hummus which I found in the May 2010 issue of Real Simple magazine.  This hummus is similar in taste and texture to the hummus that we get at one of my favorite restaurants Ta'im.  Trader's Joe's organic hummus is good but this homemade hummus puts it to shame!  And with the food processor, it really does take only 5 minutes.

The second dish I made today is really a dessert:  Peanut Butter Cup Pie from Tofu 1-2-3 by Maribeth Abrams.  Another very simple recipe that with the food processor (and a store-bought graham cracker crust) literally took 10 minutes start to finish with decadent results. 

There's one more project I'd like to attempt with my food processor: sprouted wheat bread.  Since starting Weight Watchers, this is the bread I eat the majority of the time.  I'd love to be able to make it at home.

A complex, sad situation.

My cat Sophia is dying.  

She's been sick for months with what we thought was a terrible virus or allergies.  She had lots of mucus and was sneezing all the time.  We took her to the vet a number of times and after numerous go-rounds of antibiotics, she was still doing pretty badly.

We decided to take her to an animal hospital.  When they went in to do a biopsy of a lump she had, they discovered a much bigger lump.  In a day or two, we found out the lump was cancerous:  Sophia has lymphoma.  

The prognosis for cat lymphoma is not good.  We are going to give her steroids to make her time left easier.  Right now, she struggles to breathe and has absolutely no pep.  

It makes me so sad and I'm writing this with tears stinging my eyes.  I got her just two weeks before I found out I was pregnant with Zion.  She was a tiny kitten.  She's grown to be a part of this family and she will leave a void when she's gone.  

Sophia is the first being close to me that I have known I was going to lose.  I have been having a sickening premonition that I was going to lose something and I was preparing myself mentally/spiritually for it.  I didn't know who or what was going to happen.  I didn't even want to speak about the premonition fearing the worst.  So a part of me is a little relieved despite being sad.  Another part of me hopes this is really what the premonition was about--not the beginning or part of it. 

My poor Sophia.  I hope the steroids at least help her to not suffer.  They say she has about 3-6 months before she stops eating.  And at that time, it would be best to put her down.  The very idea of putting her down puts a pit in my stomach.  What are my feelings on euthanasia?  Does that extend to every species including humans?  I've always said that if I knew for certain I was going to die (like if I were on the sinking Titanic) I would have have opted for a bullet to the head.  I don't like suspense (couldn't even get through one episode of 24) and I despise useless suffering.  But am I taking euthanasia too lightly because she's not human?  I believe, like Buddhism teaches, that there is no hierarchy of life:  life is life and is equal, whether a bumble bee or a human.  Then there's the part of me that just doesn't want to wake up one morning and find her dead.  I certainly don't want the kids to find her.  And my husband was the one who found his father dead of a heart attack.  He's already said he doesn't want to handle anything like that again.  

It's such a complex, sad situation. 

Little Tweaks

It's interesting being in maintenance mode on Weight Watchers.   I know it's kind of silly but I found security in my 26 point target and now that it's 29, I'm a little unsure.  I'm such a creature of habit that I really have to make sure that I eat all my daily points and weekly points or I will surely have some left over which means I find myself scheduling in things to eat even though I'm pretty sure I won't be hungry then.  Usually,  it turns out that, indeed, I'm not hungry then and don't eat what I scheduled and have points left over for the day.  So it's a re-learning process to figure out what I need to do to maintain my weight.  So far, though, for two weeks on maintenance, I've been successful.

Anyway, here's a little tweak to what I've been eating and I picked it up from an article in Runner's Magazine. Three or so days out of the week I have two whole boiled eggs (4 points), a slice of sprouted wheat toast  (1 point) with a teaspoon of Earth Balance (1 point), a yogurt smoothie (6 points) or oatmeal (5 points) with blueberries and a piece of fruit.  The tweak I've discovered is having the toast with two teaspoons of almond or peanut butter (which is 1.5 points and a good amount of protein and fat) not Earth Balance (which is 1 point and only fat).  I mean, it really holds me such that I don't need the smoothie/yogurt.  But that  makes my breakfast not as point heavy so I have to figure out how to make it up throughout the day.

I'm also realizing that while I am seeing a lot of more definition from weight lifting, I'd like to see more and I think the key is diet.  So I'm going to be doing some research to find out how to make other little tweaks that support muscle building.