There are blogs . . .

That I used to love to visit and read.  You come to find out that these blogs could actually make up a community because their visions and purposes mesh.  In fact, some of these bloggers regularly comment on each others blogs so, if you follow links, you end up realizing it's kind of a circle of blogs.  But I get way too emotionally invested sometimes all the time so I have been staying away consistently.  This is a part of the discipline I'm trying to cultivate in my life.  I've spoken about it before:  it's called tapas.   But I miss the insightful and on-point commentary and the intellectualism.  I miss the energy and passion you can feel through the writing.  If I felt I could visit these blogs again without falling headlong down a huge energy sap, I would.  For now, I wistfully look at their "most recent posts" on the sidebars of some of the blogs I do visit.    So far, so far, I haven't clicked, no matter how interesting the conversation might be.  :)  And I intend to keep it that way.  

Z1-isms

I was getting ready to brush Z1's teeth this morning.  Here's how the conversation went:

Me:  How'd you get to be so handsome?

Z1:  I practice.

I was rolling on the floor with laughter.  

Changed

Almost 8 years ago, my understanding of God changed.  I sat there at my father's church, in the back row, after playing the piano and realized that I didn't believe in the Blood of Jesus to save.  For a long time before that, I had accepted that there must be more than one way to salvation because I couldn't imagine that all these devout practitioners of other faiths were hell-bound but at that point, I realized that for me personally, Jesus Christ was just not the way.  I felt a lot of guilt and confusion at that realization because Jesus did in fact say, without mincing words, "I am the way, the truth and the life.  No one cometh unto the Father but by me."  I knew that no longer believing in salvation through the blood and victory over death because of the resurrection had now set my life on a different course.  I also knew that it would cause a lot of problems in my family--my parents being such serious Christians.  And if you know my father and mother, you know I'm not kidding about how seriously they take their Christianity--sometimes, I will hesitatingly admit, to the detriment of their children.  Anyway . . . 

I sat in church pretending for a few years.  Still played the piano.  Still ended prayers "in Jesus' name".  Kept up appearances for a while.  

In time, I found RastafarI and that spoke to me.  I was moved by the emphasis on going back to the root (Africa).  The words of His Imperial Majesty touched me.  The love expressed for HIM in reggae music profoundly moved me.  And the idea of God being not just someone I read about who existed thousands of years ago, but someone who was just here, who was African was mind-blowing.  I loved the livity of RastafarI.  The discipline.  The modesty as a woman (which I believed saved and ordered my life).  I loved the community and oneness.  The revolutionary stance and the rebelliousness against the wickedness that is Babylon.   The non-conformity.  But even as I embraced RastafarI, I still had some reservations that I tucked neatly away.  I wanted to belong to something bigger than myself.  I had issues fully accepting any human being as God.  It seemed like once the whole Jesus-the-Son-of-God thing had broken up in my mind, it was hard for me to look on anyone as God in flesh.  

Talking to people and reasoning with them, though, I came to find out that in RastafarI, there were so many different interpretations of His Majesty that really you realized that RastafarI is not a dogmatic religion in that sense but more of a philosophy and world view.  Some folks believed in the divinity of Selassie but not that he was the Almighty.  Others believed that Selassie's role was to point folks back to Christ.  Others believed that not only was Selassie pivotal but so was Marcus Garvey and Prince Emmanuel I.  Still others believed that Selassie I was divine but not in a way that we couldn't be.  In other words, Selassie showed us how to be fully human but fully divine, i.e. a physical representation of how it could be done.  This last understanding of Selassie resonated best with me but still felt a little false in my spirit somehow.  You walk out of the RastafarI circle and hear folks speaking of Selassie I sometimes with ridicule and sometimes with admiration and that to me reinforced my understanding of Selassie.  Personally, I never viewed Selassie as the full sum total of the Almighty Jah--just a part.  

So life moves on and I am trodding RastafarI much to my parent's dismay (and actually, you could say that I was disowned for a while there).  I'm comfortable in the livity and kind of reached a place of equilibrium in the whole "Who is God?  Who is Selassie I?" question.

Until about 2 years ago.  I don't know what happened.  Just one day I realized that my understanding had changed again.  Almost completely.  I'll save that discussion for a next post but I'm just at a place right now where I'm like, "whoa".  Is this what your 20s are all about?  So many drastic mental changes?  Though I've been happily married almost 6 years now, I totally get why folks recommend waiting.  There's a lot of kinks to work out.  And you don't necessarily want to drag some unsuspecting man (that you love, of course) through the rigmarole.  

I'm amazed sometimes at how my struggles with my hair/scalp have really pushed me along in my spiritual journey and in finding my ultimate path.   When folks say, "It's just hair",  I always balk because for me, it most certainly has not been "just hair". These days there are very few head wraps because I often deal with an inflamed scalp and really wearing a wrap with no hair to support it is . . . wack.  And you will catch me wearing pants from time to time because  . . . well, it's practical.   

In a few days, RastafarI people everywhere will be celebrating the Earthlight of His Majesty.  I want to attend Nyabinghi Ises . . . but how will it feel?  Will I feel like I'm keeping up appearances?  Hypocritical?  Or will it still feel all right?  And if a bredrin or sistren I know happens to read this blog, how will they react?  Would they burn fire?How would I react?  I sometimes want to greet a Rasta person when I see them but since I don't look the part these days, I don't unless I know them personally.  I wonder if it will be awkward one day to run into a bredrin or sistren when I so clearly don't look the part anymore.  At least, I'm happy to say, that while I consider these things, it's not worrying me too much.  It's my only life and I have to live it.  

I'm finding peace somehow where I am.  I'm not completely at peace but I'm on the precipice.  Have you ever felt like finally the pieces might just be falling into place but you don't want to get too excited because you were at this point before and they didn't fall into any kind of place then?  

Photo Courtesy of http://www.concurringopinions.com/archives/2008/01/the_paths_of_co.html

Easy Curried Tofu Scramble

Here is a really quick dish that's easy to make and delicious.

You'll need

2/5 brick of extra firm tofu (cut one brick of tofu into 5 parts and use 2--store the rest), pressed dry

1 cup chopped red pepper

1 cup chopped green pepper

1 cup onion chopped

3 carrots chopped (about 1 1/2 cups)

2 cloves garlic, chopped

2 tsps. good curry powder 

1 tsp. thyme

1/2 tsp. black pepper

1/4 tsp. red pepper flakes

salt to taste

2 tbsps. oil

What to do

Heat oil in a heavy pan.  Add onions to the hot oil and saute until the onions are translucent.  Add in the spices and stir for about 1 minute till fragrant.  Add carrots and garlic and stir for about 2-3 minutes just till they start to soften.  Add in your green and red peppers and saute just till they start to soften.  Crumble in your tofu.  Stir to incorporate.  Add salt to taste.  

Serve with whole wheat toast or in warmed pita pockets.  

That's it.  :) 

You can replace the carrots and pepper with frozen mixed vegetable if you like.  Just make sure they are thawed before you add the tofu.  You can make fried eggs this way too.  Just replace the tofu with 2 eggs, cracked and beaten.  

The Letter I Sent

Here's a copy of the letter I sent.  Keep your fingers crossed that some good things come of this.

July 10, 2009


Dear Library Director,

I want to start this letter by first commending you for the wonderful improvements that have been made at the The Public Library under your direction. They have not gone unnoticed. The library is a more beautiful place and things are running more and more efficiently. The additional programs that have been added are a real attraction and the monthly calendars/lists of events are extremely helpful. I want to take the opportunity to say thank you for making the library experience a more pleasant one for this town's residents.

Last Tuesday, July 7, 2009, I visited the library with my two children. I was surprised and disturbed to find that the TV was out in the front of the room and a DVD was playing. The DVD, as I later learned, was “Teen Titans”, and while I don’t have a problem with my children watching cartoons, this particular one was just not appropriate as most of the children who were present were under the age of six. While I felt it was inappropriate to have the television on altogether, I simply asked for a replacement DVD better suited to the audience. However, I was exceedingly disturbed by the fact that the TV was on in the first place especially in the Children’s Room of the library, a place that should be promoting literacy and learning. 

Television, DVDs, and other media do have a place in the education of children but they must be used in a structured and focused way. To have the television on in the background presents many problems and makes me wonder what kind of message we are trying to give to the children of this town. Is it that we need distractions from books? Or that books are not enough to capture our attention and keep us entertained? I trust these are not the messages we want to convey. 

Rather than just complain about the situation, I am willing to do what I can to fill whatever gaps in programming at our library that may lead to the feeling that the television should be on. I am a skilled crochet and knitting artist. I know there is already a program in place to teach crochet to children but I would be willing to facilitate more of those workshops if there is an interest. Recently, I took my children to a library in a neighboring town for a yoga and movement program only to be turned away. The program, slated to start at 2:00, was already full by 1:30. Implementing a yoga and movement activity at our library would most likely generate a great deal of interest. While I am no yoga instructor by any means, I do practice yoga and would be happy to lend support in finding a yoga instructor willing to donate his/her time to teach yoga to the children of this town at our library. I would be more than happy to facilitate and assist in such a program as well. 

I am not privy to all the reasons why decisions are made at the The Library but I know that plenty of thought has gone into and will continue to go into the difficult task of running the County’s central library. The Library is improving steadily and it is small changes that make such noticeable positive impacts. 

Thank you very much for your attention to this matter.

With warm regards,
Me

TV in the Library?!?

Yup, at my local library, they have a television up front and center in the Children's Room.  On Tuesday, I took my children to the library and was surprised and disturbed by it.  They were showing a DVD called Teen Titans, a show I thought was inappropriate for the kids who were present (age 6 and below) but that wasn't most bothersome, of course.  It was the television that was!!

I've written a letter to the director that I'm going to send off tomorrow.  I actually feel like this director has been making a lot of positive changes and I feel like the library is headed in the right direction.  I just don't understand what a TV is doing in the Children's room if it is not being used in a specific and strategic way.  What kind of message does it send to the children when what is supposed to be the headquarters of reading and literacy has the TV going?  That books are not interesting enough on their own to entertain us?  Or that the powers that be don't believe in these kids' ability to read and enjoy reading?  

One of the good changes that the director has implemented is that there are now lots of programs.  I don't know how well the programs are attended or if they actually exist (as opposed to only being on paper) since I only go to the ones targeted at my kids' age group.  But on the calendar it seems like there's enough going on at the library where they wouldn't need to fill the empty spaces with TV.  I mean, the calendar doesn't seem any less full than the calendars of libraries in more affluent towns.  

Anyway, I am thinking of ways I could help to fill whatever gaps they are trying to fill with TV.  I don't think I'm particularly artistic or skilled in the arts except when it comes to crochet and knitting.  But they already have listed on the calendar two crochet classes:  one for teens and one for tweens.  I suppose I could propose a knitting class but all us crafters know that those who don't craft usually don't have the faintest idea that there is a difference.

What I'd really love to do is a beginning yoga type class for children but I'm hardly qualified to be teaching anyone yoga.  I've only been doing it 7 months and I haven't even had a formal class yet.  But that would be great and something that a lot of the kids in my town probably have not been exposed to before.  

In other news, I'm reading a collection of short stories entitled Drown by Junot Diaz.  I didn't realize until after I had read the third story that I had actually read three separate stories.  I just kept thinking, "Man, this is the most disjointed, crazy story I have ever read in my life."  LMBO . . . trying to do things with young kids is a trip.  Let's not even start talking about that sock I'm supposedly knitting!

FO: Camera Case

My wonderful niece graduated from high school this June and is on her way to college in the fall.  For her graduation, we bought her a cute digital camera , which, by the way, got great reviews on Amazon.com and she loves.  Anyway, I knew I wanted to crochet her a nice little case to carry it in and keep it protected.  My nieces favorite color is purple and I just happened to have some purple Sugar and Cream cotton yarn left over from another project.  Perfect!!  This project took about one day.  It would have taken about 2-3 hours sans children.  LoL.  Anyway, here it is.  

And here it is on Ravelry.  

I also have another FO to show but I can't yet because it's a gift for someone very special.  But boy, I can't wait to show it off.  It came out beautifully.  

In other needlework news, I'm about to get Sock #2 finished.  In an attempt to make sock knitting more manageable around my babies, I ordered these and then realized that was not what I really wanted.  At one YarnTherapy Meetup I had gone to, I saw a woman with something similar that protected her sock needles while her work was on them.  I checked the website again and realized that I had simply missed what I was really looking for.   I was going to try to correct my blunder by exchanging but by the time I would have paid all the shipping and handling fees, it made better sense just to keep the storage tubes.  They will come in useful sometime.  I ordered the correct item and I can't wait for them to come.  No more worrying about snapped sock needles!  

"What kind of mother lets her child do that?"

In two months, Z1 will be four years old. Recently, he has been refusing to sit in the double stroller when we are walking.  He'll unstrap himself and hop out while I'm pushing or just generally pitch a fit if I insist he stays in there.   Now, he defers to reason most of the time--like if it's raining and he doesn't want to get wet (because the stroller has a rain cover).  But ordinarily, he would rather walk or more accurately, run, i.e. not hold my hand.  Now, I've tried the harness buddy but he just pulls at it until I realize I feel like I'm trying to restrain a puppy.  He really just wants some freedom.

I don't have a problem with that.  I've laid down some ground rules for him.

1. When I say stop, he has to stop on the dime.  I usually tell him to stop before he gets to an active driveway or to the corner/end of the sidewalk.
2. He stays a certain distance in front of me (he can never be behind me).
3. In busy areas or to cross the street he has to hold my hand or get into the stroller.
4. Stay as far away from the curb as possible.  

Z1 is a little guy with boundless energy and what I've found is that giving him that little freedom to run it off really, really helps him.  (It also helps that, bless his soul, he is not a fast runner.  In fact, I like to joke that he looks like he's pretending to run when he's in fact running full speed--not to his hearing of course!)  What I've also found is how much society frowns on everything.  I can't tell you how many folks say to him, "Wait for your mother" when I'm not shouting or screaming at him to wait for me.  Others say, "Hold his hand . . . it's too dangerous."

Now, I'll admit there's some risk to letting him walk on his own but really the biggest risk is him running out into the street.  But we've really covered the dangers of the street and how to cross a street safely and furthermore, the condition of him walking is that he stops when I say stop.  And I say stop well before he gets to the street corner to let momentum catch up.  He has always stopped.  There might be a time in the future when I tell him to stop and he won't stop but I'm guessing it's the kid who's been forced to hold mom's hand all the time that will go buck wild and run into the street at his first opportunity.  

Anyway, it's quite hilarious to me that so many folks have things to say.  Z2 is still in the stroller so usually I'm pushing him and letting Zion do his thing. I generally take the double stroller just in case Z1 gets tired or something.  When Z1 is riding in the stroller, it's endless comments about how he's just too big to be in a stroller--that he should be walking.   Even the harness buddy garnered me some commentary and nasty looks ("Just let him walk").  (((big eye roll here)))  What exactly do  you people want from me?  Leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the other day, I dropped into the health food store just to get a patty for Z1.  It was raining and the rain cover was over the stroller (both children were in the stroller).  A woman walks in, "You know, that's very dangerous--you should take the plastic off or they could suffocate."  Really?  So I'm putting my kids in mortal danger here?  Wow . . . Z1 is almost 4 and can take the damn cover off himself.   Z2 constantly peels apart the velcro that seals the cover to peek out at me and smile--he doesn't seem to mind getting wet doing it either.  

I'm not really sure what the expectation is but as a mother, I know that everyone thinks they know and you don't.  I know people say they want to help but no, I don't think that's really true.   Maybe I'm just a cynic but I think folks just love to feel superior to someone else any chance they get.  "I would never let my child do that" and "What kind of mother does that?"  I get it.  We all judge.  But in the arena of raising kids, it seems to be a judgment free-for-all.  

Maybe if my town had a decent playground to walk to, I'd have a different take on the matter.  I know Z1 would agree to hold my hand for 10 minutes if it meant 45 to 60 minutes of free play but that's not the reality.  We walk around town for pleasure and for exercise and I just can't see how it's fair to make a 4 year old boy hold my hand all.the.time.   

Anyway, I'm always self-reflective on what I allow my kids to do and why I'm insistent on some things and lenient on others. In this instance, I think we'll keep things the way they are.   

Photo Credit:  "I want to hold your hand" by Matt McGee on Flickr.com

Feathers and Fools

by Mem Fox, was found by yours truly at the thrift store for $0.49 today.

I have had this book on my Amazon.com wishlist for eons and finally!!!  It is a masterfully written children's book with an important theme that applies to everyone--not just kids.  Even if you don't buy it, borrow it from the library.  Check it out and read reviews here.  

May He Rest in Peace

Many folks have had insightful things to say about the passing of The Gloved One and there is indeed so much to say:

My Tribute to Michael Jackson

I remember Michael Jackson

King of Pain . . . King of Pop

In Memory of Michael Jackson

What a life! May he eternally rest in peace.

I don't think I could ever forget . . .

My own child.  

I watched Oprah yesterday and there was a woman on there who forgot her daughter in the car for eight hours.  When she returned, the little girl was dead.  I'm pretty sure it was a re-run and that this has probably been discussed ad nauseum on many forums but somehow, I missed it.

I felt compassion for that mother because I know that if I were the cause of one of my children's deaths, I would want to die.  I would probably have attempted to kill myself a number of times.  I don't know if I could ever forgive myself.  And I certainly wouldn't be public . . . I never would go on Oprah.  But that's me.

Oprah put a positive spin on things and said that the woman's dead baby is serving as an "angel" to all of us . . . a warning to "slow down."  

I get it.  We're all doing too much.  All trying to multi-task.  One very interesting point I took away from the show is that there's really no such thing as multi-tasking.  When we are trying to get more than one thing done at once, what in fact our minds are doing is quickly switching the focus from one task to the other and back and something inevitably gets lost in the process.  

I can attest to that! Burned pancakes because I'm trying to make porridge and smoothies while on the phone and folding laundry.  The mind simply can't do so much at at time so we tend to forget one thing or the other until it's too late.

But to forget my own child?  I don't know about that.  I mean, folks were on the show trying to empathize with this lady giving examples of how they could have easily been in the same boat.  One person said she accidentally locked her sleeping kids in the car while taking the groceries in.  But the car was in her garage.  And she knew immediately that she had locked them in there.  Another person called in to say that she left her son alone for a minute to go do whatever--toss in a load of laundry, stir a pot and when she got back, she found him hanging by a cord.  But she was around. Close by.  And was back in the room in a matter or minutes.  Both these women were trying to juggle every day tasks and, of course, there's no help.  We can no longer call on our neighbors to keep an eye on our children while we run and go do things.  Many of our parents still work and are years from retirement.  So we end up taking these little risks in order to keep life going, in order to get things done.

I don't know if it's only me though . . . I felt like there was something profoundly different between these situations and forgetting your baby for 8 hours in the hot car.  

I guess we should never say never and I'm sure that mother never imagined that was something she would do.  I'm sure she wishes she had heeded the warning signs I'm sure she must have had.  Her life and career have basically been destroyed because of that one mistake.

When I was working, I often felt harried and impatient with Z1 and I felt so terrible about it.  I had to try to squeeze in all the things I wanted to do with him, chores and other household responsibilities plus leftover school work into 4 or 5 hours at the end of the day.  After it was all done, I'd pass right on out with Z1--often in my work clothes.   I sometimes dread exercising in the morning but I know if I were teaching, there would be absolutely no window of time when I could work out or do anything "extra" in my day.

When I became a stay-at-home mom, I breathed a sigh of relief.  Yes, being a stay-at-home mom has it's own unique challenges especially the whole one-income situation but I can be a calmer, more focused mother for my children.    And because my children are under 5 and therefore need so much attention (often times undivided attention), I'm very grateful.  But even as a SAHM, there are times when I know I need to slow down and be more attentive.  I buy Band-Aids in bulk, you know.  And not for the children, either.  I'm constantly cutting myself or burning myself trying to get it all done.   

There's so much to do and so little time to do it.  And often the pressure is on us mother's to get it done.  The "expert" on the show yesterday gave the smug comment, "Why aren't the husbands helping?" Oh, they often try to help.  But often times, the "help" is not really helpful and you have to go back and do it the right way again.  I think it's important for us as mothers to let go of some of our ideals and insistences that it must be done this way.  It takes a lot of pressure off ourselves but it is definitely more easily said than done.  Especially since many of us do things the way we do things to make the whole thing run more smoothly.   

Society says we are useless in some way if we're not juggling kids, career, running a household.  It's not fair and, as we can see because of these tragic situations, it's not realistic.  I sometimes get down on myself because I feel like I haven't really made a go of my life--am not successful career-wise.  I graduated from high school ten years ago full of potential and high hopes and today all that I really have under my belt is being a mom and well, that's just not good enough.  The Oprah Show yesterday reminded me that it is good enough.  There is nothing wrong with refusing to juggle if you don't have to juggle--especially if it allows you to be present in whatever you are doing.  So if you put off having kids till you get your career in order, there's nothing wrong with that.  If you put your career off till you get your kids in order, there's nothing wrong with that. Fully embracing that truth serves in a tremendous way to take the pressure off. 

So while I don't think I'd ever be so preoccupied as to forget one of my children somewhere, that woman's story serves as a terrible warning to which I have taken heed.  

Photo Credit:  "juggling silhouette" by Criss Cross Circus on Flickr.com

P.S. Part of my decision to blog this morning, ironically, is to avoid exercising.  Who am I kidding?  The main reason I blogged this morning is because I do not want to work out!   I know, I know, I know . .  .

+4

I got weighed at the doctor's office yesterday and weighed 4 pounds more than the last time I weighed myself.  I wanted so badly for the scale to be off.  Even wanted to re-weigh myself.  It was the heavy jeans I was wearing, right?  The extra jewelry?  Yeah right.  

I cannot find the motivation this morning to bust my behind jumping around in the living room to workout videos.  I just can't.  Maybe if there were signs of stuff tightening and not being so jiggly.  Any sign.  Maybe if the scale were going down even slightly and not up.  But that's not the case.  (((sigh)))

Photo Credit:  "Amy Singer tells the scale what she thinks" by knitgrrldotcom on flickr

The first fruits from the garden . . . garlic.  Delicious.

I have to admit, the hubby has been in the garden much more than I have been.  He naturally enjoys being outside and having his hands in the dirt.  I'm much more comfortable with nice, clean  . . . yarn.  LoL.  But I'm determined to get out there and get into it.  Full force.  Soon.  Hopefully.

All Relative?

Nichiren Buddhism teaches that good and evil all coexist within one human being, or the "oneness of good and evil". Becoming a Buddha, then, is really just conquering that evil.  

But isn't evil relative?  A skinhead doesn't believe he's evil.  Nor does a doctor who performs abortions or euthanasia.  But some people do believe these individuals are indeed evil.

And what is considered evil is often influenced by society's morality which, in turn, is influenced by tradition and culture.  Forcing circumcision is sometimes thought of as evil.  When it's done on girls.  When it's done on boys, it's just a procedure.   In ancient Igbo culture, it was not considered evil to throw twins into the "Evil Forest"  . . . rather, it was wrong to keep twin babies as part of society.  This practice was stopped because of the arrival of Christianity and the European which some view as good.  Others view as evil.  

So how can we go about conquering evil when there's no definitive, universal truth on what evil is?  

In the context of the Daishonin's teaching, good means the "fundamental nature of enlightenment," or absolute freedom and happiness resulting from profound self-knowledge. Evil indicates the "fundamental darkness," or life's innate delusion negating the potential of enlightenment and causing suffering for oneself and others.

It's not about figuring out if this is evil or that is evil.  It's not about pointing to some morality guide that says, "Yup, this is definitely evil" or "Nope, this is definitely not evil."  It's looking inward.   It's working on oneself to really know oneself.  To do so, the mind must be stilled.  One must focus.  This takes practice and with so many distractions, it's not an easy task.  It's actually a herculean task.  But a noble one.   

When we pray for peace in the world, if we still pray for that despite all that we see and hear, what we are really praying for is that we all can find absolute freedom and happiness not because of the things we have or where we are but because we truly and profoundly know ourselves--the good, the bad and the ugly.

After all, you have to be the change you want to see in the world.  

Thoughts?

Who's Supposed to Pay for That?

College, that is.  

I was part of an online discussion on this very topic and it made me think again about some things. Now, of course, our personal experience and understandings color everything we do, including the decisions we make for our children.  So it's no big surprise that there were many different opinions about college.

My college experience was pretty traumatizing. Despite the fact that I was a college admissions officer's dream and got into pretty much every school I applied to (these were mainly top-tier schools), I ended up "screwed" and had to attend a public college.  I didn't even get to leave home which was supremely important to me.  I won't go into details but basically, I could not afford to go to any other school without putting myself in serious debt.  Was it because my father refused to fill out my FAFSA?  Did I fill it out wrong?  Or was it that my parents made too much to qualify for much aid?  They certainly couldn't afford to pay for it out of pocket and because of their financial circumstances, couldn't or wouldn't take out loans for me.  I will never know exactly what happened but I ended up (miserably) in a combined BS/MD program that my mother discovered and made me apply to at a public college in the city.  I eventually dropped out of that program but graduated from that school.  I worked about 25-30 hours a week and full-time throughout the summer to support myself (was living rent-free at home but everything else I had to pay for).  I took 18+ credits a semester and graduated with honors on time despite having switched my major  after 4 semesters.  

I went through a whole lot and I learned a lot from that experience.  It was an experience that pretty much changed and defined my whole life.   It was a huge disappointment not to go.  And an even bigger disappointment not to leave home.   I can't make you know how important going to an Ivy League school was to me and how desperately I wanted to leave home.  But it was good for me in many intangible ways.  The most important things are how I changed in terms of my consciousness (about health, Africa, history, etc) but also about how I thought about school and the emphasis that is placed on it.  

I still believe going to school is important.    You could be a great success without ever having stepped foot in an institution of higher learning but it takes a special kind of person--someone who is entrepreneurial in spirit, charismatic, driven, undaunted by rejection/failure, outgoing, a people-person, who enjoys networking, hardworking/tenacious, ingenious and willing to hustle and hustle hard.  Those of us who are not all those things . . . I think it's good to have some kind of net.  I think that's a college degree.  Now, a college degree won't magically make all right with the world for you but it will open doors that would be solidly shut without them.  You will most likely make more money with a college degree than without one.  

What if one of the boys decides college is not for them?  What then?  They'd have to show me a concrete Plan B--something realistic and attainable, like a trade school.  I wouldn't force them to go to college  but they would know how I feel about it.  I'm not as hard up as I once was about being at the top of the class and going to top schools and all that and that is something that has changed significantly about me.  In fact, I wish someone had looked at my family's financial situation and told me to focus on public colleges from the very beginning. I'm almost sure that no matter what, I could have gotten a good deal going to a state school.  In fact, the University of Tennessee offered me a full scholarship which I hardly considered because it was 1) in Tennessee and 2) not Yale. While I don't believe in would haves and could haves, it's something that definitely shapes how I think about higher education.  I know our financial situation.  Many top-tier schools offer a free ride to students whose parents fit certain financial criteria.  If the boys are willing to work that much and are that good at school, this is an option for them.  If they turn out to be just "okay" students, the other option is public in-state college.  

We are saving a little bit ($50 a month) in a 529 for the boys.  Nothing to write home about.  I read that this could actually count against them come financial aid time.  Do we stop?  I don't think the money we could save would actually take them through all four years with inflation and the rising cost of college.  What I'm really hoping is that by the time they are college age, we have established multiple streams of income to help them through whatever choice they make (I hope it's college).  

Now, the biggest thing I've come to realize is that you cannot pin all your hopes on college.  You still need to possess some of those characteristics I mentioned above even if you go to college (although not to the same degree).  College will not magically make life wonderful and grand.  I was full of illusions back them.  I'm all about reality now.  

You know, when you're Black and have Black boys as children, certain things are obvious.  Like the world is just not nice to Black folks and especially not to Black men who are still viewed as a threat.  In any field we choose to enter, we can often expect to find discrimination.  So while I would support Z1 and Z2 as much as I could if they decided college was not for them, they have to know that even though the playing field is more level these days, it's not completely level.   They are not free to take years off to casually "find themselves".  They'll have to do that much the same way I did:  while working and going to school. Degrees help to level the field. And, quite honestly, give an individual holding them respect and credibility, like it or not.  

So while I can't commit to paying for the whole thing right now, that is what I'd like to do especially if my sons are realistic and understand that what I could most likely make happen is public state schools.  They will have to  work a little to to make that extra money for the funky fresh sneakers, the flyyest new gadgets they want and taking their girlfriends to.   But college?  Yeah, I think I'm supposed to pay for that. And I'm happy to if I can.  But not willing to break the bank or go into debt to do it.  I think that's fair.