The Practice of Tonglen

In order to have compassion for others, we must first have compassion for ourselves.

The Practice of Tonglen
The Tonglen Practices

Generally on Saturdays I stay off the computer. It is a much needed respite from all the information that comes my way via the internet. This Saturday I woke at 4:45 AM and began my morning meditation. The day before I had gotten myself into a tizzy trying to think of ways to shore up my household in the face of an impending economic collapse. So I was ready to sit down, get very quiet and find a balance again.

So I opened up The Meditation Bible and ran across the powerful practice of Tonglen, " . . . a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart". When I first read how to do it, I thought to myself, "This is crazy" but I decided to do it anyway. And it was indeed powerful.

Basically what you do is breathe in fear, suffering, pain. Breathe it into your heart. Then you visualize it dissipating in there. Then you breathe it out. I did this for about ten minutes and when I finished, I felt so incredibly light. It's so counter intuitive, I know, but it was amazing. After I did that, I chanted for about 20 minutes and all the negativity I was feeling, worry, stress was completely gone. I felt like I was glowing. After that I practiced my yoga and I'm still feeling light as I write this.

This morning I did Tonglen for Others. Equally powerful.

Sometimes my spiritual practice tends to feel forced as I search for my personal path. Since I left Christianity, into which I was born and bred, I've been a little unsure. And since having children, I feel like it's even more important to "figure it out" because I'd like to give them a secure spiritual footing, a way to navigate this world, a connection. I know I get closer every day and I remind myself that we cannot know everything while in the flesh. It was good to find that the discovery of Tonglen came quite naturally and the practice feels . . . easy. Not forced. Kind of like yoga for me.

"We begin to feel love both for ourselves and others and also we being to take care of ourselves and others. It awakens our compassion and it also introduces us to a far larger view of reality. It introduces us to the unlimited spaciousness that Buddhists call shunyata. By doing the practice, we begin to connect with the open dimension of our being. At first we experience this as things not being such a big deal or so solid as they seemed before. "

Tonglen is about connectedness and compassion. Realizing that what you're dealing with, others are dealing with too. For me, it's one way that I'm successfully coping with and navigating these uncertain times.

The Water Question

A few months ago, we finally purchased a water filter. We had tried the Brita and Pur water filters but each filter could only filter about a week's worth of water. We figured that it's because our house is old and there must be lots of sediment in the pipes. Remembering what things are like in Ghana and Nigeria, I even tried to get on a more frugal, simple living tip and rock the tap water but I just couldn't. The smell of chlorine was just too much and I was very concerned about the possible lead leaching from the pipes (even though I was taking steps to reduce the lead). So on the recommendation of Kristen over at Kristen's Raw (a great resource for those trying to incorporate more raw food into the diet or transition to a raw foods lifestyle), we purchased the Multi-Pure Counter Top Water Filter System CBVOCSC.

Product Description
Multi-Pure Countertop CBVOCSC Water Filter, our finest Countertop Filter. Rugged, attractive Stainless Steel Countertop Water Filter with hose and Diverter Valve. This unit may also be purchased as an undercounter system or converted to an undercounter system with the purchase of a conversion kit (offered separately). The water from this filter system is the best we've ever tested! Filters Chlorine taste and odor, as well as: 97% Chloramine, 99% Lead, 97% MTBE, Mercury 96%, VOC's 99%, Asbestos 99%, Giardia and Cryptosporidium 99.95% and much, much more. Complete lab tests and California certifications available at our web site. Size approx. 8" Diam. x 10" tall. Includes filter cartridge CBTVOC (was MPPTCB). Replacement filter cartridges last for 750 gallons minimum. For municipally treated water only.

Multi-Pure is a stand-up company and after lots of research I feel they are trustworthy. We are extremely pleased. Even my skeptical hubby, who seems to not mind nasty behind tap water is impressed. The water that comes out of this thing is far better than any bottled water I have ever had. And the elimination of weekly runs to the store to buy bottled water is priceless. Not to mention we are doing our small part to reduce the amount of waste taking up space in landfills. Initially I was going to purchase it at Amazon but BestFilters is the company that actually sells it. I went to their direct website and was able to find the filter. I found a coupon for it and the whole thing shipping and handling included cost $288. We've had it for more than 2 months now and it seems to work exceptionally well. With the replacement filter cartridge costing $60.00, we worried that we'd have to change the filter cartridge too soon but thankfully that has not been the case. We actually wish we had bought it earlier.

My only thing is that I wish it filtered out fluoride but that would take a reverse osmosis system. RO systems filter out everything and I'd like some minerals in the water. Also, RO systems require lots of installation. The filter we purchased was exceedingly simple to install. I did it by myself in about 15 minutes.

A bonus of buying from BestFilters direct is that they sent a free stainless steel thermos which the hubby now uses as his water bottle. Last summer I bought stainless steel water bottles for myself and the kids. You remember the whole plastic brouhaha? Suprisingly, I didn't wig out until I accidentally left my Nalgene bottle in the car on a hot summer day. I tasted the water (why did I do that?) and it was very clear that something just wasn't right. I set about to replace our plastic water bottles with something better (hopefully, until they tell us that stainless steel is toxic too). The hubby, of course, thought I was making too big a fuss, that I think everything is toxic blah blah blah. He's since changed his song after tasting water that has been sitting in a plastic bottle and water that has been sitting in steel. Big difference.

Anyway, Z1 and I have Kleen Kanteen bottles purchased from Reusablebags.com with a coupon (I forget what it was for but I was quite excited about it at the time). I have a 40 ounce and he has an 18 ounce. We both have sports caps because the mouth is too wide to drink from neatly while staying perfectly still much less driving or playing. Kleen Kanteen bottles are basic stainless steel that seem durable. We didn't get colors or anything--just the basic. We added stickers and stuff to ours to personalize them. Little Z2 has a Thermos Foogo 12-ounce stainless steel bottle with a straw which has proven to be good quality too. We fill them up each day so we rarely use cups for drinking water which conserves washing water (and dishwashing liquid). Drinking from the bottle also helps me keep track of the water I drink. They are indeed heavy but I've grown not to mind so much. A little weight lifting ain't never hurt nobody. I hope all our bottles last a very long time.

The water question? Answered. Very satisfactorily I might add.

If you know me . . .

. . . you know I worry. A lot. Sometimes it borders on anxiety.

I really wish it were summer. Warm outside. Lots of activities so that I could take my boys out and we could be out. Away from the internet and television. Just living life and taking it as it comes. But it's cold as heck outside and try as I might, I keep gravitating towards this darn computer and every time I do, I'm hit with one more warning.

"Get ready!"
"Stockpile 6 months of food"
"Learn how to butcher a cow"
"Learn how to make soap"
"You should have planted your garden eons ago"

I get almost paralyzed because I don't know what to do first or next. I don't think I'm doing enough. Don't know enough. And all this is back-dropped by the fact that no one around seems remotely concerned about any of it. As far as folks are concerned, it's just a bad spell.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I feel like a crazy person all alone on my own crazy island.

Anyway, come Monday I'm making a trip to Costco:
peanut butter
peanuts and other nuts
soy milk
canned tomato products
raisins and dates
vegetable and olive oils
alcohol and hydrogen peroxide as well as any other first aid stuff they have

To Trader Joe's
Rice milk
pastas
tofu
tempeh

I'm still making lists . . .

Purchased some more books too after having made a little money typing last week:
Encyclopedia of Natural Remedies and Readers Digest Back to Basics. Both used and with shipping and handling, less than $15. Can't wait till they come.

Yes, I'm paranoid and worried. Trying to follow through with sensible actions and trying to stay calm and focused. Still wondering how to effectively cope spiritually and mentally . . . I feel like I need some kind of blueprint and plan. It's too easy for me to get into these kind of tizzies.

Still, no one ever said, "Dang it, I wish I hadn't been prepared" so I know that whatever happens, it's not a waste.

Now I'm going to try to stay the heck off the computer.

Cinnamon is the Goodness

Cinnamon has got to be one of my most favorite spices. I use it in almost everything I bake and add it to chili and barbeque sauce. It has a depth of flavor that is unmatched especially when paired with nutmeg.

While Stumbling today, I ran across Cinnamon: A Wondrous Spice and was pleasantly surprised to find out some other benefits of cinnamon.

1. Blood Sugar Level Control

   Cinnamon can actually have an enormous effect on your blood sugar levels. The reason for this is that it responds quickly to insulin and can help people who are diabetic. Research was done on groups of people in a clinic and almost all the people participating in the test had a reduction of their blood sugar level.

2. Curing Colds

   When cinnamon is eaten along with honey it exhibits many health benefits. If a mixture of honey and cinnamon is administered to a person suffering from a cold they should be cured in three days. It can also cure stomach aches, toothaches, skin infections, cancer, bad breath, and hearing loss.

3. Weight Loss

   Cinnamon and honey cleans your digestive system and removes some of the bad bacteria in your digestive system. This in turn lowers your ph level and helps you lose more weight.
   

4. Prevents Blood from Clumping Together

   Cinnamon contains a substance called cinnaldehyde which prevents blood cells form clumping together.

Photo courtesy of www.cookingworld.com

"On the Rag"

I've been using cloth menstrual pads for about three years now and I will never go back to paper/plastic pads. Post-partum after Z2, I tried to use disposable pads and after a day or two, I couldn't take it anymore and got out my cloth. I find cloth to be far more comfortable than disposable but also surprisingly as effective.

Photo Courtesy of www.moonpads.com

The minute I tell folks I use cloth menstrual pads, their expression noticeably changes into one of confusion and sometimes disgust. But as I glowingly tell them about the benefits of cloth both to myself and to the environment, they start to listen and realize it's not so weird or strange after all.

My switch to cloth pads was a natural progression since I was already cloth diapering my son. There are basically two natural (reusable) options for menstrual blood collection: a cup, which is emptied out periodically and then rinsed and re-inserted or cloth pads which are washed. Since I never really liked tampons I decided to go with pads.

Like with cloth diapers, I didn't know many people personally who used them and I just jumped right in to try to find what worked for me. Initially, I collected patterns in hopes of sewing my own but as with diapers, a serger, which I don't have, would produce a much better finished product. As such, I purchased an assortment of pads some of which I absolutely love and some of which I use as a last resort or just because I have them.

The first cloth pads I acquired were GladRags through a co-op on MDC for a significantly lower price than retail. Actually, a sistren of mine at the time did mention using these pads once and she seemed to like them so I was excited about getting them. I purchased three cotton day pads and one organic overnight cotton pad. How these pads work is that there's a pocket where you can slip in absorbent cotton inserts depending on how much protection you need. I find the day pads are a tad bit short for me and when I first started using them, I never felt quite comfortable. As my flow lightened though, they worked better. The overnight pad is nice and long although I wish the inserts were a bit longer (they are the same length as the day pad inserts). Over time, I've purchased two more overnight pads. GladRags are high quality pads that I don't mind recommending.

Next I turned to Ebay and found the seller "Naomiomy". This seller sells basic, quality pads. They're made from flannel and so they are very soft and quite comfortable. Again, when I first started using cloth, I found these to be too narrow (although long enough). As time went on though, I found that they do the job. And the price is quite right especially compared to GladRags.

On Ebay, I also found Ama'z Padz (she doesn't sell on Ebay anymore because she has a store on Hyena Cart) which are my absolute FAVORITE pads in the world. In fact, I just ordered some more recently. Ama'z Padz are ingenious. Although she does sell all-in-ones and other types of pads, I am partial to her original padz (click link to see how they work). The regular pad is perfect for me lenghtwise and widthwise. They are so absorbent, deceptively so since they are quite thin in comparison to other cloth pads and even to regular disposable pads. They are also very convenient to use. These are the pads I use if I'm going out and the ones I used when I was working outside of the home. I love, love, love them.

I have one LunaPad that I bought when I couldn't get more Ama'z Padz (I was always missing her re-stocking). I can't stand that pad but I wear it because I have it. It's soft and comfortable but I don't get how the rick-rack stuff is supposed to hold the pad in place. I generally turn it upside down, ignore the rick-rack to wear it and it's not bad that way. Very absorbent and pretty too.

I have three panty liners that I bought on Ebay too. They are an all-in-one situation, are cute, absorbent and fit neatly in my bag when folded up. I carry these around in case my period comes unexpectedly (which it never does but old habits die hard). I looked on Ebay to see if I could find the seller but no luck.

There was one last Ebay purchase of flannel all-in-one pads. That purchase was a complete miss and I will only use those on the very, absolute last day of my period.

Most of my pads are cotton/flannel but many use hemp and fleece (which stays dry to the touch even when wet). I do not have any that have a waterproof backing (PUL) and I find I haven't needed that. I like the fact that all the pads I have are 100% breathable. That has eliminated the issues I had with disposable pads in terms of it being too hot in the summer, itchy, etc . . .

Now to the knitty-gritty of using cloth . . .

Most cloth pads are secured using snaps (most of mine do). Some use velcro. Some just lay in your underwear and friction keeps them in place (one overnight pad my sistren sewed for me works this way and it works well, suprisingly). I, like many other woman, have "period panties". My "period panties" are not dark-colored or anything. They are just slightly smaller than my regular panties. This helps to keep the pads in place and the pads keep the tighter panties from being too wedgie-fabulous.

I change my pads pretty regularly throughout the day and it seems to be about every time I go to the bathroom. That averages about 5-6 pads daily. I change not because the pad is full but mainly to feel fresh. When I take a pad off, I soak it in a pail with water and hydrogen peroxide or color-safe bleach. The pail (which is, by the way, not see-through) is covered for the kids' safety and also for the sake of the hubby and guests who I don't think need or want to run into a bucket full of bloody pads. But that's just me. I change the water daily until it's time for wash day.

I used to wash my pads by hand but I felt I was wasting water so I started to wash them in the machine. No special procedure: I simply washed with whatever detergent I had and hung them to dry or dried them in the dryer. Nowadays, I wash my pads along with the diapers. I was skeptical about doing this at first but I realized that the diapers get rinsed first, washed on the longest hot cycle then rinsed again. Everything comes out smelling and looking clean and fresh. No stains or anything. Plus, I don't use any extra water to wash my pads which is great.

To go out, I carry my pads in a plastic cosmetic bag that is divided in two sections. One section I stow my clean pads and the other section holds my used ones. Once I arrive home, I empty out the wet bag (that's holding used diapers) into the diaper pail and I put my used pads in to soak.

To store my pads, I use a jumbo-sized Rubbermaid clear plastic rectangular food storage container with a lid. While I'm on my period and using the pads, I rarely put the lid on. Once my flow is over, I organize my pads neatly and put the lid on ready for next month.

Back to the hubby issue. It took a little convincing to get the hubby to be okay with the cloth pads. He, like many others, thought it was gross and a bit too much work. But after I showed him what it was about and didn't act grossed out myself (because I wasn't) and drew lots of comparisons to cloth diapering, he accepted it as a normal part of life and now is all for cloth pads. Because, of course, in the long run using cloth pads saves money and the hubby is all about that. I would say the start up costs/the money I've spent to date on cloth pads is about $125-$130 dollars. I have 18 day pads, 3 liners and 3 overnight pads. I used to buy a pack of Always overnight pads (which I would just about finish during the first 4 days of my period) for about $5 or $6 and I'd use a pack of regular pads to finish out my period. That adds up and so now that I've been using cloth for so many years, it makes financial sense. Some frugal mamas, I've heard, even use newborn unbleached prefold diapers as pads and that would be a very inexpensive way to go.

I'm pretty sure by the time I need to buy more pads, i.e.when these ones are worn out, I will be ready to sew my own (which would be the most cost-effective route). But right now, I'm quite pleased with what I have.

Many women who use cloth use the soak water to water their houseplants. We buried Z2's placenta in the backward where the garden will be (we decided against relocating it) and I can see using the soak water to water the plants back there. After all, that menstrual blood is what would have sustained life. That would make the garden uniquely mine.

Saying a woman is "on the rag" is a slang term to express that she's menstruating. Back in the day, many women used cloth to catch their menstrual blood since disposable pads were not available yet or very expensive. I'm not sure if it's derogatory or not to use the term but I like the way it sounds. It's not bad being "on the rag," quite literally.

Recommended reading: The Red Tent by Anita Diamant.

FO: Yoga Mat Bag

I started this yoga mat bag a few weeks ago as an interim project while I figured out what to do about Emma's Sweater (I ran out of yarn for it). I really enjoyed working on it and I am so pleased with how it turned out. It fits the yoga mat perfectly. I really needed this project. The familiarity of crochet was comforting and the project was quick with nice results. In these days of my life where I'm constantly squeezing out minutes to do things, I'm pleased that it came out so well.

I crocheted it using a simple stitch pattern of 2 rows double crochet and one row single crochet with every third stitch a bobble. I used single crochet for the strap and edged it with crab stitch. I added a red cotton drawstring and wooden beads which in addition to the wool that the bag is primarily made out of, to me, make the bag more alive and organic which is quite symbolic as it's the bag that holds the mat that facilitates my yoga practice.

I still can't believe I actually have a yoga practice and I never imagined I would enjoy it so much. I'm looking forward to delving more deeply into the principles and the practice. In the mornings, I read some of The Ten Living Principles--Yamas and Vinyamas. Some other resources I'm glad to have found are Yoga Journal, a description of the eight kinds of yoga, and Yoga Today, a resource that I can hardly believe is free. I previewed Hemalaya Behl's Yoga for Urban Living and I liked it a great deal. I purchased it for less than $7 secondhand, shipping and handling included. I think it's a nice addition to my collection. Sometime in the future, I hope to take a real class. Yoga just feels . . . right.

Namaste.

"Sunset Yoga" by GrahamKing on Flickr

I Enjoy Being a Wombman

I thoroughly do. I embrace and love every aspect of my wombmanhood.

But that was not always the case.

Today is the first day of my new moon cycle. For years I cursed this day. This day meant that for the next 4 or 5 days, I would be in agonizing pain. I would be dealing with messy pads, stained clothing, strong smells. Nothing good.

I remember menarche, the day of my first menstrual blood. I had turned 12 about two weeks earlier. It was a Sunday and my mother and siblings had stayed home from church because my mother was sick. When I saw the blood, I went and told my mother who dug around in her trunk (which she had brought from Nigeria and stored all her traditional clothes and fabric in) and fished out a small pack of sanitary napkins. Her face became very serious as she said to me, "You're a woman now . . . you had better be careful what you do with your body." I was confused, of course, although I vaguely understood that I had better not get pregnant and I knew that you got pregnant by having sex although I wasn't quite sure how it worked. The day progressed and the cramps got worse. By that evening, I could hardly walk. I was keeled over in pain and I was ready for my period, which I had anxiously awaited, to be over.

Well, at the time a couple of newly arrived nurses who had come from Nigeria just a few months ago were living in our rental unit downstairs. They heard (now that I think of it, my mother must have told them) that I had seen my period. They called me down and there I was as little as I was (I was bout 5 feet even and at that time, about 105 pounds), surrounded by these big grown women and feeling abandoned by my mother who was conspicuously missing. They explained to me the physiology behind my period saying that the blood was the body's way of showing disappointment that I had not "taken in" or gotten pregnant. I was grateful for the explanation because before then, it had all been a mystery. I had questions but I knew I couldn't ask lest someone think I was "fast".

My period was something that I was made to feel I had to hide; to be discreet about. If my mother overheard me telling someone I got my period she'd say, "A woman knows how to keep some things to herself." She taught me how to carefully wrap pads so no one would know I had used one. I had a special discreet bag for carrying pads. Most especially, men were not supposed to know I was on my period.

I used to come home from school nearly every month in excruciating pain. Even though my father would be home at times (as a professor, his schedule was never set in stone), I would never call him to come get me. I would rather tough it out on the bus to get home. When I got there, he'd see my face contorted in pain. I'd mumble about what was wrong, boil some water for a heating pad, pop some many Advils, change into a nice, large overnight winged pad, and crawl upstairs to my bed where I'd generally pass out from exhaustion and pain. The awkwardness of my period and my father just highlighted the overall unpleasantness of the situation.

I never had a good relationship with my period.

I wished that I had been born a boy. As a boy, I would never have to worry about my period, about being raped (someone taking my virginity), about losing my virginity/chastity, about getting pregnant (the biggest shame ever), about my problematic unruly hair (I'd cut it off), about being perceived as a slut, fast, easy, about all these heavy burdens girls carry while boys live carefree lives and are loved deeply by their parents. The love girls got seemed to be predicated and based on so much and was so easily lost if you couldn't live up to the standard.

I watched as the daughter of the pastor of the church I went to, who played the piano and was a sweet and good girl was humiliated and shamed over and over, cast out from the church because she had the nerve to have sex and was "stupid enough" to get pregnant. I listened as my parents used her over and over as the primary examples of why I had to "keep myself". I didn't want to turn out "like that". She was ridiculed, scorned, talked about. No one hugged her after that. Or even looked her in the eye. I knew I couldn't even though I liked her a lot. I couldn't let my parents see anything resembling friendliness and empathy toward such a lost and wayward girl lest she taint me. I understood implicitly that for girls, parents love and acceptance was tenuous at best. And I wanted their love.

I never had a good relationship with my period.

When I hit college, I got introduced to the concept that diet played a role in the severity of my period and that was one major reason why I decided to switch to a strict vegetarian diet. Nothing changed. The relationship with my period remained antagonistic

What did change things in every way was giving birth and making the switch from disposable menstrual pads to cloth menstrual pads.

Giving birth naturally made the way I looked at my body change in unexpected ways. I felt redemption in a way. All that pain and suffering over the years, the pain to bring him forth, was worth it as I held my newborn son. Being a woman was worth it just for that moment. It was just an added bonus that when my menses returned at 4 months postpartum, it was PAIN-FREE, although my flow was still heavy. I didn't need to take any painkillers or use a heating pad. I barely had to slow down. Although I had heard it, I couldn't quite believe that childbirth could bring about such a drastic change in how I experienced my period. My period became a welcome period of the month because it symbolized that I was getting ready to once again hold life in my womb. Because the pain was no longer there every month, I was able to focus on what was actually going on. And it was and is beautiful.

In college I had written an article for my college newspaper about the dangers of dioxin in disposable menstrual pads. Yet the natural options in the health food store were lacking. I was used to wearing overnight pads as my regular, daytime pads. Sometime after Z1 was born, I started learning about cloth pads and decided to give them a try. (I'll talk in more depth about cloth menstrual pads later.) I couldn't believe how they changed the flow of my period. I went from using six to seven disposable pads daily to my flow being so light that I could theoretically wear a liner for every day of my period. It was just unbelievable. At this point in my life, I would never use disposable pads again and when I've tried, it has been so uncomfortable as to make me run back to my cloth.

Giving birth and getting with cloth have completely changed this day, this first day of my moon cycle, for me. I am feeling open spiritually today. Light. Joyful.

Yes, I still feel some pain but it's experienced totally differently. I know if I had a girl, I would do so much differently. I like the ideas that Sis. Raet gives about Honoring the First Blood. I agree with her in so many ways. Girls should never feel ashamed or confused about their first blood. It should be a time of celebration and joy. It should remain a time of celebration and joy.

My sons see me soaking my pads, they are usually with me as I'm using the bathroom. Z1 asks questions and I answer them honestly and lovingly. I'd do the same if I had a girl. It's not mysterious or secret. It's not gross. It's part of what makes me who I am and the very reason why they exist. I want them to know the ins and outs of a woman's menstrual cycle, understand the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of it. I enjoyed this short article (and graphic) on the topic and encourage folks to read it: BooYaa, It's Period Time by Renee of Womanist Musings.

I'm fascinated by my body's connection to the earth and the moon. It is profound to me that as rivers flow with life giving water, I too flow with life giving blood. I'm reminded that my womb is the symbolic source of all life and creativity, healing and unity. I am not turned off by what my menstrual blood looks like and what it smells like any longer. It pleases me now. My relationship with my period is warm. I accept and welcome and embrace the beginning of every new cycle.

Today, I can honestly and without reservation say, I enjoy, no LOVE, being a Woman.

Photo Credits: Red Rose by ccmerino on Flickr
West River Reflections by slack12 on Flickr

Judge Not . . .

. . . Before you judge yourself.

There seems to be this pesky sentiment floating around that it is wrong to judge. People seem to vaguely remember the words of Christ and then interpret them to mean that we are not to judge at all. Christ didn't charge us to never judge. He asked us to judge only after we have held ourselves in judgment. On many occasions, Christ judged rightly and with confidence and if we consider Christ a worthy example, we'd do well to follow.

Now, you can go on just about anybody's blog and read about the woman who gave birth to octuplets even though she already has 6 children. No matter what anyone says, we are right to judge this situation. But before we do we must sit down and look at ourselves. We've all done things in our lives trying to heal ourselves. These things were not always healthy. Most of us, though, are mentally okay enough to say to ourselves, "That was not healthy and I shouldn't do it again." Many of us have the discipline and the agency to follow through with that promise.

But not all of us do. I call into question Ms. Suleman's mental health and after viewing an interview she did, I'm almost completely sure she is not well. As such, I am not judging Ms. Suleman as harshly. Who I do want held accountable is the doctor who implanted those embryos. That is who I am holding in judgment today. There is simply no ethical reason for this doctor to have done what he/she did. Now there are eight brand new innocent children in the world who have no guarantee of clothes, health care, food, shelter. And most importantly, no guarantee of love and attention. Because no matter how great a person is, how devoted . . . I know what the hell it takes for the hubby and I to give undivided love and attention to two children. There is no way in HELL she can do it by herself for 14. Sorry, won't happen. Oh, and grandma's love or some other family member's love is not an on-par replacement for mama's love. It's only after having my first son and seeing just what it takes to raise children that I fully appreciated and admired single mothers (or married single mothers for that matter--you know, where the dad isn't worth the paper the marriage license is printed on).

The ball was seriously dropped and judgment is being rightfully passed. I wouldn't worry too much about the judgment other humans are passing out though. In comparison to the bigger judgment, well, you really ought to think before you act. Like I said, I'm treading lightly because there might be mental illness going on here but there is a whole lot of wicked enabling going on too--from family, supposed friends and the health care community. And last I heard, artificial insemination, prenatal care, c-sections, neonatal intensive care--all that cost lots and lots of money. Where did it come from? I mean, I'm good at making a dollar out of 15 cents, but if this chick didn't have help from somewhere, she's a frugal guru or has some seriously serious side-hustle.

The other big story floating around is Rhianna and Chris Brown. On that, I reserve judgment because those are grown folks. I don't know the whole story and (I really don't think I want to know the story--keep your business to yourselves folks!!). I hope Rhianna has enough sense, strength and support to leave an abusive relationship if that's what it is. I hope if Chris Brown has abuse issues, he has enough sense, strength and support to get real help (not free passes to keep on being abusive). You see? That right there is a type of judgment although admittedly quite mild.

It is not wrong to judge. In fact it is necessary. We have all been endowed with physical and spiritual senses. We should all be able to think critically. A failure to judge could lead to death, quite literally. As human beings, we judge. We are supposed to. There's nothing wrong with that. But we must judge ourselves first and most harshly so that the judgment we mete out to others is just. I think when folks say, "Don't judge" it's not only disingenuous, it's impossible.

We should also know (and it shouldn't bother us too much) that just as we judge others, they are judging us. But then again, you can only be judged if you let yourself be judged, if somewhere in there, there's a little doubt about your decision. That's why when anyone comes out to do an interview to "clear their name", the get the side-mouth, squinty eye from me. (Perhaps you heard of "stripper pole mom". I wasn't too mad at homegirl until she did her "clear my name" video.)

The truth speaks. Loudly. Of course, we should know try to know the whole story before we judge too completely and too harshly. We should try to understand where people are coming from and where they are. We can accept differences without automatically thinking different = bad or immoral. Our judgment should, first and foremost, be tempered with love.

I lovingly enjoin Ms. Suleman to be quiet, take down that website, handle your business like you say you will. It will take complete focus and singleness of mind to raise those children to be productive parts of society. To give them the love and attention they need and deserve. If you could do this successfully, there would be no need to defend yourself. Because actions still do speak louder than words.

After all, when Christ was judged, he uttered not a word. He was the truth.

"Judge Not" by the Wailing Wailers

Photo Credit: "Gavel" by kromatic on Flickr

Love in the Everyday

There's love in the everyday
the everyday dish washed
the everyday table set
the everyday meal cooked

There's love in the everyday
the everyday bed made
the everyday diaper changed
the everyday hurt kissed

There's love in the everyday
the everyday encouraging word uttered
the everyday lesson taught
the everyday helping hand offered

There's love in the every day
the everyday load of laundry done
the everyday bath given
the everyday hand held in the dark

There's love in the everyday
the everyday book read
the everyday nose wiped
the everyday game played
the everyday bump and bruise, hunger and thirst nursed away

There's love in the everyday, I say!

It's powerful and monumental
Yet readily overlooked

It's a love that stays at home
Building, ensuring
Peace, Warmth, Stability

It's a love that knows how to give totally
Because it's one that doesn't exclude
You

It's a love that's true
That identifies with other truths

It's a love that's committed
Despite ridicule
Despite mockery
Despite everything

It's a love, I tell you
That manifests daily
Greatly
In the mundane
In the ordinary
In the easily taken for granted

It's a love that shines most brilliantly
through
with
around
and in
The Everyday.

Photo "Heart Candle" by Heartlover1717 on Flickr.com

Homeschooling Resources

So, after lots of thinking, weighing the pros and cons, it's finalized: we are going to be a homeschooling family. It's been a complex decision and I've had to take a lot of things into account. Negativity from friends and family has been one thing that has led to my reluctance to fully embrace homeschooling but I'm finally comfortable and secure in my decision. There are a myriad of reasons:

1. I don't agree with the philosophy of public schools and I can't afford or don't have access to private/charter schools whose philosophies more closely match mine.
2. I could overlook philosophical differences more easily if the public schools offered top-notch educations but in my town, unfortunately, that is not the case.
3. I am willing (and able) at this moment to homeschool. We are able to make ends meet on one income right now and hope to be able to do continue. Utilizing relatively free resources (library and internet) and making wise curricula purchases, we can keep the budget for homeschooling low.
4. I know I can offer my children the type of education I want them to have, maintaining their love and joy of learning and exposing them to things that they might not otherwise be exposed to (African and World Histories being a top priority).
5. I can address my children's specific needs and honor their gifts and talents while maximizing their time and mine. I believe that way too much time in school is wasted. And while I'm devoted to my children, there are areas of myself I am looking forward to developing as the children get older.

So now that I've accepted that we are a homeschooling family, I just wanted to share some of the resources we've been using.

• Starfall--excellent site that teaches reading readiness (letters and sounds, etc)
• Letter of the Week Preparatory Curriculum--This is the *free* curriculum we are currently using. We are on Week 13 currently. Sometimes we take longer than a week but no more than two.
  
• Fisher-Price--nice collection of educational (and strictly fun) games which help build motor skills, hand-eye coordination
• Preschool Themes and Lesson Plans--A real go-to resource that supports the curriculum we're using very well
• Count Us In games--games that teach counting/number sense
• Funschool Preschool--games and learning activities
• Letter Coloring Pages
• Online Jigsaw Puzzles--builds acuity, hand-eye coordination, motor skills
• Typical Course of Study--lists what a child should typically study/master in each grade.
• The state's curriculum is readily available online.

NYS is one of the strictest states when it comes to homeschooling: the kids do have to be tested yearly and I have to submit paperwork quarterly. I've already gathered resources to make sure I am doing things legally. I want to be on top of things.

I'm still hoping to find a homeschooling group for support and social stuff. I know I will.

One question: since I pay school taxes in my town, why is it that if I choose to homeschool my town refuses to provide services to my child (if he needs it) and refuses to allow him to play on sports teams (not that my town sports teams will actually exist in two to three years the way things are going fiscally for this town) or be involved in any extra-curricular activities? Maybe I'm missing something that would help me understand.

Photo Credit: "Homeschool" by ForeverSouls on Flickr.

I came home yesterday . . .

To find all the electricity had gone out. We'd had terrible winds all day and some power lines must have gotten knocked down. I immediately thought about two blog posts I had read in the morning. Needs vs. Wants: Do you know the difference? by BlackGirlinMaine and especially Drowning in Problems by Keep It Trill who in that post wrote that given the current economic excrement heap we find ourselves in, "a third to half of us may be lucky to have Internet service next year."

I so totally recognize so many of the luxuries we have been mindlessly enjoying living in America. When I came home to find out that the electricity was out, I didn't think about the food in the fridge spoiling or the boiler and water heater not being able to work (actual necessities)--I thought about THE INTERNET not working.

I had a good chuckle at myself. I hadn't thought about KIT's words until I came home and there was no internet. I *just* paid a HEFTY Con Edison bill (electric and gas). The last thing I was looking for was interrupted service. I almost got out my corded phone to call somebody and demand answers. So could it be that we could go on paying our bills, our taxes and just one day *poof* those services disappeared? Who could we talk to? What could we do? As it is, Con Ed has us by the nutsack. How can you dispute what they say? Can you physically go out there and fix things when they break? Nope.

I remember learning when I visited Nigeria last that paying your bills was no guarantee that your electricity would work and that going to work was no guarantee that you'd be paid. Being in Ghana taught me that there is a fundamental difference living in the U.S. and living in "the third world": realness. In Ghana, when the electricity got caught off, I immediately thought about my food that would most likely spoil in the fridge. I noticed how little folks actually relied on the fridge. Food was cooked daily and hardly anything was stored in the ice box. I noticed that I started to buy food that wouldn't spoil easily and food that I actually intended on eating very soon. That's real. I noticed so many unfinished houses and rickety, hooptie cars. No, roads weren't filled with late model cars and I certainly saw no Hummers. But folks really owned what they live in and drive. In Nigeria, I learned, being wasteful with water would mean you were at the mercy of whoever delivered the water to cook, bathe, etc . . . real. That's what's lacking most living here: instead of being focused on real stuff, we worry about illusory things like the internet.

Anyway, I don't have cable. I don't have fancy clothes or many fancy things. In most ways, I'm very practical and I live as humbly as I can. I often think I'd be okay if my family and I had a roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes to wear and a little tiny extra to make life special sometimes. But I sure do love my high speed internet. I'm too attached to it. Even sometimes I think addicted. I need it. I know it would do me good to do a week long detox. Even the one day break I take on Saturday is not enough. I need to purge a little more than that. So that in the event that internet gets cut off, I won't have to go through forced withdrawal. I want to be able to take note, miss it, and go crochet or knit (activities that I often neglect in favor of the net). I feel the same way about my car but to a lesser extent because with small children, not having a car would really challenge my mobility especially in the winter. But still, every so often I walk a distance that is a little less than comfortable, that would be much more easily done driving, just to remind myself.

I don't really talk about politics too much or get too up in arms about what's going on in Washington. I know, though, that the "bail out" is not going to get us out of this. Certain things I just have always known and don't surprise me--like that they were going to try to do a bail out. When a ship is sinking, you have to be wise enough to put on your life jacket, blow up your inflatable raft and abandon ship. Sometimes talking about politics and personalities is just a distraction from getting your own stuff together--figuring out what to do now that you know the ship is really sinking; devising a good plan that will potentially work no matter who is in office or how hard others are bailing water and pretending the thing is not sprouting holes everywhere. Preparing for the worst while hoping for the best--even if the only best that can be hoped for is good food, clean water, a roof, and some clothes.

And the hubby and I agree: if things get so bad, if the U.S. turns back into a developing nation, we'll be on the first thing smoking back to Nigeria (or Ghana). Because without the opportunity the U.S. offers, there is nothing, just nothing for which to stay here. If the dreams of all these racist folks who hope Obama fails come true, they can certainly have what's left.

These are challenging times we're in and that means that we have to be willing to personally challenge ourselves? Are you up the challenge?

Suggested Reading: Poverty of Imagination.

Photo Credit: Playing on the Computer by fd on Flickr

Affirmation for My Child's Health

I wrote this affirmation a few years ago. In that year, Z1 fell down stairs and broke his clavicle (collarbone). He also ran his first really high grade fever. To bring it down, I put garlic on his little feet. I guess I didn't put enough oil on his feet first and the garlic blistered them. The fever came down but he was so uncomfortable and didn't want to walk. No mother guilt--I was doing the best I knew how or else I would have done better. Anyway, the kids and I are all fighting off a cold right now (cough and congestion). We're taking our Vitamin C, Zinc, thyme/honey cough syrup but I'm also affirming our quick recovery.

An Affirmation for My Child's Health

My child is a radiant, beautiful, spiritual light being
Housed in a healthy and strong body
His body has the awesome ability to heal itself
I know instinctively how to promote and encourage that healing
His immune system is supported by my powerful thought energy
It easily and effectively fights off dis-ease and illness
Jah within guides me on how to feed him, discipline him, medicate him
I listen.
I focus on nothing but his perfect health.
I block out all fear.
I don't base my reality on what I see but on what I know inside
My child is a radiant, beautiful, spiritual light being
Housed in a healthy and strong body

Four Hearts in One Picture by Nicole. on Flickr.com

Perfect Health Can Be Yours!!

Or can it?

As I was leaving the library the other day, I caught sight of a book by Deepak Chopra called Perfect Health: The Complete Mind Body Guide. I borrowed the book not because I was deeply interested but just out of curiosity.

The first chapter starts:

"There exists in every person a place that is free from disease, that never feels pain, that cannot age or die. When you go to this place, limitations which all of us accept cease to exist. They are not even entertained as a possibility.

This is the place called perfect health."

I suppose Chopra believes his book will be the guide that will lead readers to that place.

I couldn't help the feeling. Bordering on anger but more so skepticism. Vigorous skepticism.

I haven't read through the book so maybe I'm not being fair. I'll accept that.

I need to know: are we talking about real perfect health physically where I don't have any ailments or issues or are we talking about experiencing perfect health in spite of our issues? Are we talking about perception here? I can get with that. But from the back of the book, it seems Chopra is talking about really transcending our "ordinary limitations" and achieving perfect health, i.e. actually having no disease/illness at all.

I thought to myself, why the skepticism? Don't you believe that you can be perfectly healthy?

And then I realized that I don't. This might be defeatist thinking at it's finest but I just don't.

The hubby thinks it's possible if you can figure out the foods you are supposed to eat and then go live where those things grow locally. He thinks where those foods grow is probably where you'd feel most alive and you'd be able to heal quickly and overall enjoy perfect health. I can get with that.

But I guess at this point I'm tired of the "gurus" telling me how to achieve this or achieve that. It seems too complex, human beings are so different and so unique that, it seems, there's no one way to health. Even though Chopra breaks down four different groups that we all could fall under, I found that I didn't quite fit neatly into any group. If he's basing his recommendations for perfect health on what group you belong to and I don't fit into any group, what then?

Okay, I haven't read the book yet so I might be unduly critical but still. Sometimes I feel this is all a game using people's desperation to be well to make these "health experts" wealthy. It's kind of a dark place for me to be in but I've been on this road to illusory perfect health for years now and, alas, I feel further from it now than I was when I started down the road.

Anyway, I don't know if there's such a thing as perfect health while we inhabit our human bodies. We don't live in a bubble. We live in a world that can sometimes be very toxic to us. Even the air we breathe. We contend with our genetics that pre-dispose us to certain chronic conditions. We have handicaps and disabilities. Would a wheelchair bound individual still qualify as an example of perfect health if he follows this book to a tee but never walks? Is that perfect health? What about someone who is deaf but never regains her hearing? Perfect health there? And furthermore, I tend to think that the set of challenges we face genetically or through circumstance help us to reach a higher place. In terms of reincarnation, if you believe in it, we work through and resolve issues to break the cycle. Is this higher place what Chopra means? Does he think we can experience that right now?

I guess I want to believe that changing diet and eating better (better for your own specific body) can reverse certain illnesses/conditions. Maybe I haven't found the right combination to make me truly believe. I don't have a testimony. What I can honestly attest to is that I.am.pooped. And almost at my wit's end. I almost feel like I just better learn to live joyfully and vibrantly in spite of the issues instead of obsessing about getting rid of them.

So I guess I don't believe perfect health can be achieved while in the flesh. I like to think we can work to try to get as close to perfect health as we can. And of course what I consider to be as close to perfect health might not be what another person considers perfect health.

Whose job is it to teach you what you need to know?

So I was conversing with my sistren on her blog entitled "I'm Confused" about the current economic times and possible solutions. As we discussed, she brought up a very valid point: "Our education system sucks. We don't teach financial literacy in schools."

I wonder when parents send their children to school what they think the school is responsible for doing. I had a professor once who likened school to an emergency room. You, the injured person should not have to be a doctor to get world class, professional treatment. Likewise, parents shouldn't have to do anything special to get their children a world class education. Back then I totally agreed. These days, however, I am more inclined to think that school is more like going to your regular doctor and not the emergency room. I personally believe that if you are ill, you should have at least some idea going about what it could be. When you are diagnosed, you should be very aware of the treatment options and the side effects of each option. You should be free to say this is not working or I'm not comfortable with that treatment. And you should be free to go to another doctor without penalty or guilt fairly easily. You should have a say and power in your own health and treatment.

The same goes for education. Most of us don't vote on curriculums or dictate what should be taught. Even though so many of us agree that having Black history relegated to the shortest month of the year is an affront, we can also agree that unless we're willing to go to Albany with a brand new curriculum we drew up, that's not going to change. If you want your children to know Black history or any other history aside from the standard spiel, you're going to have to do it. Now, I will say that many parents do take an active stand to ensure the quality of children's education. In poorer neighborhoods, however, this is rarely the case. I know, I know, these parents sometimes work 2 and 3 jobs. Many mothers are single and all that. I get it. But I'm going to be a little hardline here and say one word: priorities. You may not be able to make every single PTA meeting but you can make some and you can call and ask for the minutes of the meeting. You can drop in every once in a long while or call or e-mail to let the teacher know, "Look, I'm busy but I care." My local school here of over 500 students has a hard time pulling 25 parents for the PTA. Will my sons be going to that school? No way. But I digress.

What exactly do we expect schools to teach our children? What did it teach you? Yes, I learned to read and write but not everyone who graduated with me could. Did I learn to think critically? No. Did I learn any valuable life skills? No. I graduated from high school to go to college. Graduated from college to get a job. When I didn't get a good enough job, went back to school to get another job. Even graduate school where I was supposed to be getting trained specifically to be a teacher did not prepare me for teaching. I would have been much better equipped to have spent those years learning from a master teacher. Because there's more to teaching than curriculum and lesson plans. How does your child psychology class translate to when you're in front of 30 kids?

So, it's safe to say that school kind of prepares us to get jobs. That's it. The rest, well, it's up to you.

I'm not the originator of that idea either. If there's nothing else I got out of graduate school, it was that public schools were originally conceived as places where everyone could get blended into the fabric of American society, in other words, Americanized. Get with the program. Being Americanized meant embracing the American dream, the idea that you work hard, so hard and then you enjoy. We all know that's not necessarily true but it keeps the system running nicely. Keeps those on top securely on top and those on the bottom securely on the bottom. School has always served a political purpose. And politics go hand in hand with economics.

So why would schools then start to teach us financial literacy? We can't even get schools to teach the histories of all peoples, to empower students in that way. If schools all of a sudden started teaching people how the economy really works, how to be financially literate, how to make sound money decisions, who would this system prey on? Whose blood could it suck? If we all knew a couple of years ago what a bubble we were in and all decided back then to remove ourselves from the bubble, start spending real money, start sowing in order to reap, it never could have gotten so out of hand. But we didn't. Most of us have never learned because that's not what school was set up to do. And we've never critically looked at the school structure to determine exactly what the point is, to realize what it can't and won't do for us.

I don't believe that school truly educates. We learn there. We learn facts. But we are not educated to become thinking, critically thinking adults. It's why Fox News exists. It's why all news that shamelessly distorts the truth or makes glaring omissions still exist. And why most of us suck it all in without a second thought. We've never been educated to understand that everything, big and small, needs a second thought.

I'm certainly not anti-school because my sons may need to go to school one day. I'd prefer a charter school or another type of private school with a different focus and a different, clear mission that I agree with. But if it is that public school ends up the only option, I know that I have my work cut out for me in terms of educating my sons. I tend to think that folks who never did well in school didn't do well because they couldn't be boxed in, couldn't get with factory schooling, i.e. put "x" into a child and get "y" out. For young Black boys, especially, this formula has been failing over and over again. I cannot simply depend on schools to teach them what they need to be successful in this world. No one should, really.

So whose job is it to teach you what you need to know? It seems like today we are realizing quite painfully that ignorance is not an option anymore. Each one of us is responsible to a very large degree for getting and assimilating the information we need to make it. We know we've been used as pawns in this system. And we've allowed ourselves to be for the promise of the American dream. But today we have to refuse to be victimized anymore, look at everything with intense scrutiny, open up our minds and for once, not be afraid to think. Not be afraid to embrace critical thought. Even if it's painful and even if it hurts our pride.

It's our job to teach ourselves what we need to know to survive.

Book Review: Fledgling by Octavia Butler

Fledgling* was a great read. Certainly not the best from Ms. Butler, in my opinion, but definitely a masterfully written book. I don't know that I'll do a very good summary of the book because of time constraints so I'll direct those interested to read the Amazon.com reviews of the work in addition to what I write here.

As usual, Octavia Butler tackles the issues of racism in unique and thought-provoking ways. In this book, racism crosses over species in that vampires are a completely different species than humans but still have the same human problem of discrimination against darker-hued people. But I think the issues of racism and species purity got conflated a bit. Shori, the main character, is a genetic experiment who through genetic modification has darker skin and therefore can be awake and alert during the day. This is bothersome to pure "Ina" (vampires). And I couldn't say I blamed them. If it's true that the fittest survive, Shori represented the ultimate "evolution" for the Ina and in time, I could see how Shori's offspring could eventually wipe out pure Ina. As an Igbo girl, I grew up knowing that my folks would like to see me with an Igbo man so that the tradition, culture, language and Igbo understanding could go on in my children. By marrying an American, there is no guarantee of that. Now, the fact that the modification is that she is Black, I think, complicates things in an interesting way. This aspect of the story stays true to Ms. Butler's style and motivation. And honestly, it is quite nice when the protagonist is Black but doesn't really need to be for the story to potentially work.

I guess this is the question that begs to be asked: Is Shori really Ina? She's been genetically altered, her genes mixed with human genes? What percentage of you has to a certain thing for you to qualify? Half? 1/3rd? 1/8th? This question has been posed time and time again in U.S. history as African-Americans have struggled to find their place in this society. And as this society struggles to place (or displace) those of African descent, i.e. Black people. How do you perceive and categorize someone who is a mixture of races? Especially if your treatment of people depends entirely on how you have perceived and categorized them?

I liked the story for other reasons: Ms. Butler works hard to break up the mythology of vampires and re-makes them as the victims of bigotry, hatred and misunderstanding. It's interesting then, that any Ina would then engage in the same kind of thing toward a darker Ina and I wonder if Shori had been pale like most Ina yet still had the same ability to be alert during the day, would the Ina still have objected so violently? I think so. It's also interesting to note the varying attitudes the Ina have toward their symbionts, that is, humans who they have bitten and need in order to stay alive. When humans become symbionts, they live much longer than ordinary humans and also do not get sick or hurt as easily. Symbionts, in my opinion, do not get a real choice because once bitten, most get hooked psychologically by the Ina venom and then eventually they get hooked physically. If their Ina dies, they will most likely die too. It seemed to me a form of slavery where the enslaved didn't seem to mind too much because of the pleasure and perks they derived from being symbionts. However, some Ina are condescending to or think nothing of symbionts and this brought up many issues and questions in my mind. This is what I love about Ms. Butler.

There were two little things that bothered me in this novel though I must say. Shori supposedly looks like a pre-pubescent girl. Yet grown men are sleeping with her. Now, I know she's Ina and actually 53 years old but still . . . a little disconcerting to me. The other thing that really annoyed me with this novel is that is poorly, poorly edited. There are missing words galore. Well, maybe not galore but to me, it was enough to get an eye roll.

All in all, this was an excellent (and quick) read like all of Ms. Butler's work. I am yet to be disappointed although I don't think I ever will be. I'm even recommending it to the hubby who is not a reader but loves vampire stories (he's a Blood Banker too which is hilarious and also a little . . . ummm . . . )

*I've linked to the full text of Fledgling. Also, check out Bloodchild and Other Stories. Bloodchild was the first Octavia Butler work I read.