Being Myself.

I had two topics I wanted to write about tonight: the first was the sad state of my Buddhist practice and the second was Afro-centrism.  I went with the second topic which came about after watching YouTube videos posted by two beautiful and intelligent, natural, African-centered women.

I trodded RastafarI for a number of years.  One of the major teachings is the idea of repatriation, or returning to one's homeland which for Black people is Africa.  Most RastafarI people are very Afrocentric (or try to be) in their world views and I tried to be too.  But it didn't come naturally.  I didn't have any romanticized ideas of Africa and I know it's because I'm only a first generation American born to parents who immigrated from Nigeria.  Repatriating, to me, was not necessarily the end to all ills and I didn't have any illusions about what moving back to Africa right now would be like.  So I never really had a burning desire to repatriate physically although I thought I should and honestly, probably would have had the right man come along talking about building and going back to our root by living in Africa.

What did resonate with me though, was African ways of thinking and being, ways of thinking and being that are forgotten by Black people--both those on the continent and those that are part of the diaspora.  It's worth it to me to remember from whence you came. Mental and spiritual repatriation, if you will.   It eliminates future mistakes and helps you to stay true to yourself.  I do believe our ancestors had a certain wisdom that you don't readily come upon these days.  And so I really did (and do) try to embrace an Afrocentric way of thinking--although it may not be obvious. 

Now that I'm raising my children, I notice that I don't place a big emphasis on Africa.  I'm not planning to take an Afrocentric approach to their education although it is definitely important to me to teach African history and geography and also to teach general history including Black people.  Africa (and Black people) is largely ignored in mainstream education so I'm so happy to be homeschooling in that regard since I can provide this aspect of my children's education.   I had to learn all the European countries but not the African ones.  This will not be the case for my kids. 

But, I guess, being Afrocentric or at least, really loud and proud about being African (and natural, and conscious) is not something I am striving for anymore.  But I remember the energy with which I did.  I kind of hate to say it but my whole ordeal with my thinning hair and locks really set the stage for a whole reorganizing of how I think and what I am. Because of this, I hesitate to say that hair is just hair.  Even though it is just hair.  It has really influenced my politics and my spirituality. 

Africa is important to me but not in a fanatical way.  It's important to me in a natural way, because that's where I come from.  It's my homeland.  I hope to live there one day.  I think when the west falls, that may be the best place to live.  But I don't really rock daishikis anymore.  Or wear traditional clothes at all.  The only ankh I wear now, from time to time,  is a small silver pendant on silver chain and when I think why it's significant to me now, it's not because it shows that I know about ancient Khemet (and am therefore "with it" when it comes to all things Afrikan).   It's more so because I am moved by the meaning of it and really, I would wear something that means what it means no matter what culture it originated from.   There was a time in my life where you wouldn't catch me without my ankh, a button, pin, ribbon or something declaring AFRICA!! Currently, there are really no signs that I'm "afrocentric". Talking to me you might not know.  Looking at me, you definitely wouldn't know.  

I'm African but raised in America so I'm American too.  I'm just learning to embrace both and keep it moving without guilt and without any inclination to be something I'm not.

Book Review: Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

I recently completed Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of the ever-so-popular Eat, Pray, Love, which I reviewed here.  I was pretty certain I would like Committed and while I didn't hate it, it wasn't great.  Whereas after reading Eat, Pray, Love I was on a mission to obtain a copy for my personal library, I had no qualms about returning my borrowed copy back to the library.  Forever. 

It just seemed like Ms. Gilbert's voice was so different in this book.  It reads just like a collection of research aimed at convincing someone that marriage is a worthwhile practice generally speaking when in actuality, for Ms. Gilbert, it's a worthwhile practice if it's in the interest of keeping your fiance in the country.  I guess it felt rather disingenuous, which is a frequent complaint by Eat, Pray, Love critics.  What was missing for me was that earnestness and that insight.  The skill with which she synthesized that which she had researched into cogent and profound lessons for her life. The vast majority of the book was Ms. Gilbert simply sharing what she had gleaned from her studies of marriage across history and time.

And I was actually really surprised by some of the naivete and self-absorption [displayed] in this book regarding what you can expect from the other partner in a marriage and what marriage is supposed to do for a person.

But I will say that I really learned a great deal about the history of marriage, how it has impacted women's lives over the years, how it has evolved and the current state of marriage.  The information was presented in a very accessible way with lots of relevant personal anecdotes.  I certainly appreciate Ms. Gilbert's ambivalence about marriage and learning as much as she did to write this book, I can't say the ambivalence would be assuaged.  To the contrary, it would make you more determined to never marry.  But Ms. Gilbert really doesn't have a choice [if she wants her fiance in the country] so she ends up sucking it up.

One passage really stuck out to me as being really truthful, on page 226:

Out of respect, we must learn how to release and confine each other with the most exquisite care, but we should never--not even for a moment--pretend that we are not confined.  

As someone who married relatively young [and whose prospects (statistically speaking} for a successful marriage [so I learned from the book] are quite slim), I totally agree with this sentiment.  You won't find that many 20-somethings who are down with the inherent confinement that comes with marriage.  Marriage is intended to stabilize and hold people down.  

So Committed is not  Eat, Pray, Love.  It was a good and easy read chock full of information with a happy ending.  You can't be mad at that.  But seriously, you could read this review and get the gist of the whole book.  

When Parents Pursue Passion

Sometimes, the children really suffer.

I discovered this episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition, a show I never watch, and was drawn into it by the beautiful display of natural hair and happiness.  Every member of the family looked genuinely joyful and healthy.

I simply couldn't believe the condition of the house.  There was an older man who commented that the house didn't reflect the family and I really had to cosign.  The place really looked like it ought to have been condemned!

At first, I was happy that a family who had been giving so much to others would get this wonderful opportunity of having a new house built for them.

But as I kept thinking about it, boy, I started to get a little upset.

I grew up with parents who, like this couple, were committed to their calling.  They felt that had a purpose and really poured their energy, time and money into it.  My parents sacrificed a lot to do what they felt they were called to do.  And you know what?  Their children really went through a lot of nonsense because of it.

While to my parents credit, we never went hungry, we found ourselves growing up in a pretty rough neighborhood with poor schools in a house that was always in need of repair or simple maintenance.  We watched as other people on the block, all owners of these newly built houses, added on and did things to keep their houses up.  Meanwhile at our house, something was always broken or just not replaced--looking run-down and neglected.  And while it never got to the extent of the house featured in this episode, it still left us knowing that our parents' priority was not our house.  The place where we called home.  It left us with the sinking suspicion that our parents' priority was not us.

See, now that I own a house and a very old house at that, I realize that it's expensive to maintain a house.  I mean, it's expensive to do the things to keep it running like keeping the water and heat on.  But there's other aspects of maintenance too that can get pricey.  But I've also realized that with just the littlest of know-how, sweat, and a trip to Home Depot, you can do the basic things to keep up a house.  Paint.  Change exposed plumbing.  Replace broken/missing tiles.  Find ways to keep vermin out.  I get it:  not everyone is handy but it seems to me that if they money is not there to pay people to do it, it's time to get resourceful and figure out how to do it yourself.  It might not look professional but I really believe a little bit of effort at it, goes a long way.  I believe in things functioning more so than things looking good.  (Although things that function and look good is a very pleasant thing indeed.)  Another way to go about it is to earmark small amounts of money yearly (like half of your tax return) to get one major project completed every one to two years.  That is, to me, the responsibility of owning a house.  If you're unwilling or unable to take it on, rent.

So it kind of upset me.  I got upset for those 5 lovely girls.  These girls clearly deserved that beautiful house that was built for them.  But will their parents keep it up?  I certainly, certainly hope so.

As parents, we have a right to pursue our passions and work at our callings.  But I don't think we have complete freedom to do that.  We really have to think about how it affects our children.  And sometimes we have to go about things in a different way to make sure that our children are living in a safe and healthy physical and emotional environment.  Clearly, the girls in this family are happy and healthy emotionally--despite what the house looked like and for that, I am willing to give the parents a great deal of credit for that.  Many families with pristine, newly built houses complete with all the amenities cannot afford their children a safe and healthy emotional environment.  It goes to show that you don't need a lot to be happy and I'm proud of the way these parents have fostered a sense of contentment in their children.

I'm overjoyed that this way overdue makeover took place and I hope that with some of the publicity, more money and resources will flow into this family so that the parents can continue to follow their passion of helping couples while maintaining that beautiful house for their children.

339 Moves!

One of the fitness goals I had for myself was to be able to complete all the exercises in the Ab Ripper X routine (part of the P90X program--339 moves) with excellent form.  When I first started doing the routine, I couldn't complete even half of the reps.  I have stuck with this routine for months now despite the fact that it is really challenging.  It definitely is how Tony Horton describes: "[you] hate it but [you] love it" because even though it's tough, you keep coming back.  The challenge is just that attractive.

I'm so pleased to say that this morning that I completed all 339 moves in the Ab Ripper X program with perfect form.  I did not stop to take breaks.  I did not modify to make the exercises easier.  And when Tony says, "If you stuck with us, you just did 339 core slashing exercises," I said, "Indeed I did."  It felt great.  

I think I mentioned it but one of my other fitness goals for 2010 was to be able to do 10 push-ups (unmodified) and I'm pleased to say that I reached that one as well.  Another goal that I set was to be able to do one chin-up (unmodified) and I am still working on that one.

One thing I have realized is that the advice is true: you need to be well hydrated to perform.  Just 8-12 ounces of water 30 minutes before exercising dramatically improved how I perform.  Even if I don't feel dehydrated, it makes a big difference when I just go on ahead and drink the water.  

Anyway, I reached my goal!  I had not specifically planned to reach it before the year's end but I did.  And now that I know I can, it's just mind over matter to do it consistently.  

Love or Understanding?

This very interesting question came up on one of my message boards:  

What's more important to you: to be loved or to be understood?

I really had to think about it.  

I think that you can love a person deeply and genuinely but not totally understand him/her.  I think this this because it's difficult to even understand yourself. As you get older, if you work on it, you do really get a better understanding of yourself, i.e. who/what you are becomes clearer to you.   But it may take many lifetimes, in my opinion to really totally understand yourself.  

Yet, I know that my sister, my best friend and my hubby, the folks who are closest to me, all really love me despite the fact that they don't understand every aspect of me.  I know for sure that I'm an anomaly to my parents, yet I believe they love me.  

Here's the thing though: they all know me very well even if they don't completely understand.  

But is knowing the same things as understanding?  Not necessarily.  Like learning your times tables or how to find the area of a triangle in grade school.  You can know these by heart, know them very well but it is not until you get into advanced mathematics and science, much later on,  when you really manipulate and work with these formulas and theorems that you can claim to really understand what's going on. It's one of the main reasons I want to homeschool:  I did very well in school because I knew a lot of stuff; I could retain huge amounts of information and could often apply it  But I didn't always fully understand it.  That became obvious when I started college. 

So I do think there can be deep, genuine and abiding love without complete understanding if there is a high level of knowledge.  As healthy relationships mature, though, you get to  really know the other person better and I think understanding begins and then deepens. 

But I also think it's wonderful when the understanding does begin to happen.  I think that is what makes for longevity in a marriage or any other intimate relationship that we maintain by choice.  No one wants to be in situation where whatever he/she does elicits a raised eyebrow from his/her partner.  That's just exhausting.  It's equally exhilarating--thrilling even--when you meet someone who really seems to "get you".  But if a relationship like this progresses to romantic love though (as I've experienced before), the person can sometimes start to act like they've got a handle on you better than you've got a handle on yourself.  Which is annoying, to say the least.

Anyway, the question got me thinking about soul mates again--how if two people were truly soul mates, if such a thing exists, that there would be this profound understanding between the two of them precisely because they are matched in such a mystical way. 

So is love that is not based on understanding superficial?  Is it not real?  Personally, I don't think so. if the love is based on genuinely knowing the person. I am totally and completely convinced that those closest to me love me because they know me.  The show love in the most wonderful of ways.  And I cannot conceive of the devastation that they would feel if they lost me or if I lost them.

And here's the kicker for me: unequivocally I love my children.  There are times that it really hits me that I don't really understand why they are a certain way; why they are behaving a certain way.  But I love them anyway because of who they are to me.  What they mean to me.  

So I guess I conclude that being loved is more important to me than being understood.  But I will add a disclaimer and say that the latter is also important as we need to be understood by at least someone so we don't feel (or go) crazy.  And I think it's a noble effort to continually work to understand those you love.  I think that demonstrates love in deeply profound way.

Anyway, I thought of this song while I was writing this.  It's called Perfect Love and Understanding by one of my favorite roots reggae groups, Israel Vibration.

I'm officially homeschooling!

This is Z1's kindergarten year and it certainly feels different than last year.  First of all, he seems so much mature this year.  I'm always pleasantly surprised with his insights and level of understanding.  Also, you'd be hard-pressed to find any five year olds out and about during the early day: most are in school.  But that's okay even though I was worried earlier that it would pose a problem. 

We wake up in the morning, bathe, have breakfast and then after breakfast we do about an hour of "school" which really just means that we gather around the table to do some focused work on reading, math, handwriting.  Science and social studies sometimes happen at the table but mostly, they happen at the computer (watching DVDs or videos online about science topics we're interested in) or as we're out an about living life (social studies).  Just recently, we wrote and sent a letter off to Z1's grandparents to learn how the mail system works. 

We mainly go out in the afternoons--when the kids are getting out of school!  So I've been happy to find some playgrounds where there are kids Z1's age playing.  Of course, it never seems to be the same kids but at least.  And I've also discovered that recently, Z1 and Z2 play wonderfully without a single fight at the playground.

So we're getting into a good rhythm with things.  I'm learning what I like and what I don't like.  Trying out curricula.  Deciding that I definitely don't need a curriculum for certain subjects.  And generally gaining confidence daily. 

I'm still troubleshooting the socializing aspect but honestly, Z1 doesn't seem bothered at all now that we are busy.  I am still struggling with a sense of isolation/loneliness but I am determined to overcome that. 

So I'm officially homeschooling and so far, so good!  You know one of the  (simple) things that thrills me about this?  That I don't have to wake Z1 up at any particular time every day.  He sleeps till he's ready to get up (usually not past 8)--and wakes up well-rested and ready to tackle the day. 

DVD Review: 10 Minute Solution Knockout Body

Once I realized that Jessica Smith is the person who put together this workout, I knew it would be good.  She's the one who did the Women's Health Train for Your Body Type DVD and to this day, that DVD is still a seriously good workout.  I end up sweating and breathing hard even though I've been doing it for quite a while.  So, as you can imagine, I was excited to try 10 Minute Solution Knockout Body.  And I was not disappointed.  (See a brief clip and check out more reviews here.)

Like all the DVDs in the 10 Minute Solution series, the DVD is broken up into 5 ten minute segments.  Right off the bat, this is wonderful because as soon as you are about to get bored, it's over and a new workout begins (and Ms. Smith wears a different outfit for each one--I don't know, somehow that really helps).  So you can go through all 5 segments or pick and choose.  Today, I chose 2 of the cardio sessions.  I didn't have the gloves so I used a two pound dumbbell in each hand.  Each dumbbell has a neoprene strap so that helped hold them in place while I was punching.  It was really an excellent workout.

Usually on Fridays, I lift weights for 30-35 minutes, do some ab work (Ab Ripper X which I completely rocked today) and then I jump rope for 15-20 minutes.  But I wanted to be a little easy on my knees today and kickboxing is the perfect workout for really building up a sweat without much impact.   This kickboxing workout in particular is wonderful. I think next week I may swap out Ab Ripper X one day and do the core segment from this DVD.  

So overall, a solid workout!

According to my scale . . .

I'm losing weight.  I dropped a pound at each of my last two weigh-ins.  I am still trying to find the  right balance so that I won't continue to lose weight.  I think I'm thin enough and actually I feel a little too thin and light.  I kind of miss my substance.

So this week, I'm trying to up how much I eat since I do not want to reduce how much I workout.  And let me tell you, it's the funniest thing.

I've got my points set to 29 a day.  Obviously I need to eat more than that daily to stay at my current weight so I'm eating all my weekly points plus I will try to eat some of the exercise points.  The thing is, I am not hungry.  29 points (plus 2 points or so daily) is really enough for me to feel full and satisfied.  And so what's happening is that I feel stuffed after meals--and I do not like that feeling.  Also, I am having a hard time (psychologically) going over my points.  Like today I will have used 15 of my weekly points and I almost can't stand to look at my tracker.  One part of me insists that I will get to a point where my body will refuse to lose any more weight so I can just keep doing what I've been doing.  Another part of me fears that I will just waste away if I don't eat more.  Sounds a little . . . unhealthy to me. 

Okay, I know I have control issues and all that.  And Weight Watchers plays into that wonderfully since I now can (meticulously) control what I eat.  It's all there.  Tracked.  And printable.  It's become a part of my life, tracking and I'm starting to think it might be healthier for me to stop tracking for a while and maybe get back in tune with what my body wants to do.  However, I have a nagging fear that my body will simply pack the pounds back on.

Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with terrible intestinal issues.  I'll be getting tested in two weeks for gluten intolerance/celiac disease but sometimes, the tests miss it.  I hope my tests don't.  I'd really like to know for sure before I dive head-first into the (still somewhat daunting) world of gluten free living. 

Anyway, my next weigh in is on Sunday.  Here's to hoping that my weight will have at least stayed stable. 

DVD Review: Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown

Believe me, I thought it very odd that a woman who admits time and time again that she is inflexible would put out a yoga DVD.  But I also know that yoga is not about how much of a pretzel you can twist yourself into and so I gave it a try.

Ms. Michael's is her usual self though she is a touch less abrasive than usual.  It annoyed me when she made air quotes while she talked about yoga practice.  Generally, I felt there was a lack of respect for this time-honored (and sometimes very spiritual) tradition.  There was little emphasis on getting into your body and far too much emphasis on using yoga as another tool for weight loss.  And don't get me wrong.  I don't think using it as a tool for weight loss is a bad thing:  I myself started practicing yoga when I decided I wanted to get fit and healthy.  It's just that there's this really glaring ignoring of the other aspects of yoga which you can readily find in even in the most basic and mainstream introductory DVDs (such as Crunch Yoga The Perfect Yoga Workout).  And I'm not talking overtly spiritual stuff like chanting OHM or opening your third eye chakra and all that.  I'm talking about reminding practitioners that it's not all about the physical.  Well, maybe for Ms. Michael's that's all it is. 

Anyone who's done vinyasa yoga can attest to the fact that the flowing movements will indeed work up a good sweat.  Will you burn tons of calories?  Probably not.  But if you do get warm enough, you can get into some awesomely beneficial poses.  The routine that Jillian put together felt disjointed and awkward to me.  It was too fast paced and didn't really have a good flow.  I had to stop and watch a few times to figure out what she wanted me to do.  Once I got into the pose I had to quickly arrange myself into another pose.  Not once did she ask me to watch my breath [while in a pose].  Not once did she speak to my alignment.  Watching her do the workout was even more awkward because like she's said, she's not all that flexible.  Even the so-called advanced demonstrator person looked quite awkward (and un-graceful) to me.  And I found myself wondering (which I rarely do) how many takes it took to get some of the poses completed.  And then I found myself wondering where she got certified to teach yoga.  And then I found myself paying extra attention to what I was doing so I didn't hurt myself doing things that a) the instructor can't do herself and b) she may or may not be qualified to teach.  Like I was definitely sure that doing "reps" in yoga is not such a great thing.  And I am watching my knees these days . . . so I was not going to follow along with that. 

So yes, it was a workout.  I did sweat a bit.  Did I feel like it deepened my practice?  No.  Did I feel relaxed and at peace with the world after?  No. Maybe she should have called it a yoga-inspired workout because I can't say for certain that it was actually yoga. 

So overall, I wasn't too thrilled with this production and don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon.  I think for folks beginning a yoga home practice, there are far better options out there that will teach you about yoga--it's history and it's spirit and it's form. 

Nope. Can't Do it. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture!

Eating wheat that is.  

I am finally, after years of sinking suspicion, accepting that I cannot tolerate wheat.  As a child, I tested as allergic to it but I guess I just adjusted.  I guess as I got older, my body couldn't take it anymore.  I took a break from wheat for a week (which was really tough, I'll admit because I really enjoy my whole wheat breads and things) and then started up again yesterday.  I'm bloated.  And just feel so . . . lethargic. 

I'm tired of the bloating.  Tired of just feeling off.  (((Sigh))) I'm not looking forward to learning a new way to bake.  Who knows?  Maybe I'll get excited at some point but not now.  

For now, I found a pretty decent, straightforward vegan, gluten-free pancake recipe which I'll try next Sunday.  

Are you a vegan, gluten free baker? Any words advice?

Curry Chickpea Stew

I really dislike recipes that call for cooked beans because it's an extra step!  Most of the time, I cook a big batch of beans and freeze them in small portions for easy use in these recipes.  Sometimes  (like today) I don't have the right beans frozen and I don't want to go through the hassle of cooking beans right at that moment.  I could use canned but I like to use canned beans sparingly (mainly in dips like hummus or salads) because they can be more expensive than dried beans (and as much as I have tried to ignore it, there's the BPA issue blah, blah, blah).  

Anyway, most soaked beans lend themselves well to being cooked in a soup or a stew.  I've done it with almost every bean under the sun just using spices and herbs that naturally compliment the beans (like cumin for black beans or fennel for navy beans).  I've done it for every bean except garbanzo beans (chickpeas).  Until today.  

Curry Chickpea Stew

• 4 cups of garbanzo beans (chickpeas) along with 16 cups of their soaking water (soak the beans overnight)
• 2 tbsp. olive oil
• 1/2 large onion chopped
• 5 cloves of garlic finely chopped
• 2 tbsp. minced fresh ginger
• 2 cups diced tomatoes
• 4 carrots chopped
• kale, stems and all, chopped or ripped into ribbons
• 2 tbsp. curry powder
• 2 tsp. dried thyme
• 1/4 tsp. allspice
• 1/4 tsp. black pepper
• 1/8 tsp. cayenne
• salt to taste
• 1 cup vegetarian beef chunks or cubed tofu (optional)
• 1 cup frozen corn

In a large soup pot, in 2 tbsp. of olive oil over medium flame, saute the chopped onion till translucent. Add garlic and ginger and cook for another minute or so.  Add spices and cook for 1 minute.  Add diced tomato and cook until the tomatoes break down, about 3-4 minutes.  Add carrots.  Pour in the chickpeas and the soaking water, cover and bring to a boil.  Once it is boiling, reduce heat to low.  Cook for 1 hour or until beans are tender.   Add the vegetarian beef chunks or cubed tofu (I used beef chunks but tofu that had been frozen and thawed would work great in this recipe) and then add the kale and the corn.  Cover and cook for 1-2 more minutes.  Taste.  Adjust seasoning (i.e. add salt or more pepper).  Turn off heat.  Enjoy!

Makes 10 servings.

I had a little bit of sweet plantain left over that I tossed in there too.  I can't taste it but it might be doing a little something for the dish.  :)

The stew is really delicious and satisfying.  It's actually a wonderful fall/winter stew.  I think instead of (or in addition to the) beef chunks or tofu, you could add some pumpkin or sweet potato. 

The recipe as I cooked it today is 7 Weight Watchers points per serving.

Tracts: Do they really work?

I was driving home this morning after my (amazing) yoga class and a quick (speed work) run.  I noticed two well-dressed ladies handing out tracts to the Mexican guys who wait to get picked up for work on one corner of my town's main street.  

Now, I used to be one of those ladies, shy as I was, handing out tracts in a well-intentioned effort to win souls for Christ.  Even then, I wondered how effective handing out tracts was.  I saw people stuff them into their pocket but I imagined that one day, they'd be terribly down and out, and on a chance, find the tract they stuffed in their pocket all those days ago and it would speak to them and they would give their heart to the Lord.  And my efforts at evangelism would have worked.  

Nowadays, I don't take tracts from anyone except really old ladies who are cooing at my two cutie pie boys.  

It just got me wondering . . . are tracts really an effective way to evangelize?  Do they really work?  I'm way skeptical about tracts and wonder if they are worth the paper they are printed on.  Especially in these days of constant entertainment and business.  Do people actually read them? Does it touch anyone?  I personally have never met anyone who decided to come to Christ because of a tract.  But maybe they are out there. 

Anyway, I cringe at the thought of some of the tracts I handed folks.  Stuff that would have been highly offensive to people of other faiths.  Stuff that was written to bring folks to God out of fear and not out of love.  Stuff that was just plain bizarre.  But I know my heart was pure and I was just trying to do what I thought God wanted me to do.  So maybe at the end of the day, it's really not about the recipient of the tract exactly but about the person giving them out. 

Surprise Endings?

I know it may sound strange but I am shocked by the changes that have happened to my body over the last 2 years as I've been on this fitness/weight loss journey.  

I'd always been a very shapely woman--hourglass figure and all that.  Now that I've lost all this weight, I have an "athletic" build meaning that my waist and hips measure about the same.  I had more of a childbearing figure before I bore children!

The hubby mentioned that it's all about body shaping and that anyone can morph their body:  bulk up, slim down, accentuate certain parts.  I started to wonder what my body would have looked like had I started to lift heavy weights before I started to lose weight.  I know they say that muscle burns fat--but I don't think it would have burned it at quite the rate that following Weight Watchers did.  I do think it might have made more of a difference [in my initial weight loss] had I focused more on lifting heavy weights and placed less of an emphasis on cardio.  It's funny how I didn't learn about the benefits of weight lifting until I was well into my fitness/weight loss journey.  Could I maybe have preserved some of the shapeliness while losing weight?  If I put on the weight again and continued to lift heavy weight, what would my body look like?  I may never know.  It's just one more bump in the road to complete self-acceptance and for me, self-acceptance is truly something I have to work at every minute of every day.

And I think that's an important lesson for folks trying to lose weight/get in shape--especially post-partum mothers.  There are all these examples of what you could look like if you follow this or that plan and it's easy to get wrapped up in it all and think, "Hey, that's how I want to look!"  In reality, you can never really predict where you'll lose weight (just like you can't foresee where you'll put it on).  You can't say for certain that your arms will look like [insert woman with great arms here] or that your calves with be Olympic ready.  These are things that are for the most part mediated by genetics.   Even though we can't say for certain how we'll look exactly by following a certain exercise regimen or philosphy, I'm fascinated by the fact that we have the ability to change our bodies so dramatically.  To me, that speaks to our innate power to create.

And it's right in line with how I feel about the Creator these days.  You don't always know what the end result will be but there's this understanding and this hope that no matter which way it goes, it will be good.  Or at least that's how I like to think the Creator thinks.  Then there's this nagging thought that maybe the Creator is not all that invested.  I don't know.  And that was a crazy tangent so getting back to the point . . . .

I usually like surprise endings in novels.  You don't want a predictable end all the time.  For me, though, I would have loved to get back the body that I had pre-kids.  I really had no idea that it would be such a drastically different body.  In so many ways, it is a entirely new ball game.  And surprise endings are par for the course. 

Why am I so tired?

The past few weeks I have been exhausted all the time.  Well, not exhausted really.  More like very sleepy.  I can get things done but I really just feel like lying down most of the time.  Today I slept two extra hours and didn't work out this morning at all (not even a 20 minute workout). Then later on I took an hour nap.  I've still been dragging through the day.  Black tea is not doing anything.  And now at 7:45, I'm more than ready to go to bed.  

It's such a puzzle!  I had some blood work done on Tuesday.  I'm going to call tomorrow to see if the doctor has the results.  I've struggled with anemia off and on over the years--even when I was eating red meat.  I can't say that I am eating a lot of good sources of iron--a little here and a little there.  Not sure if I'm meeting the daily requirement.  Maybe I am anemic again.  If so, it's back to the Floradix Floravital Iron and Herbs which during my first pregnanacy worked like a charm.  It's a huge plus that it tastes good and is non-constipating and (obviously) easily absorbable (i.e. it really works).

i am him and he is me

two evenings ago
i suddenly realized
that i am him and he is me.
dealing with him . . . so incredibly difficult at times. 
i would like to scream
i would like to hit
cooperate. 
damn it.
but i control myself
so he can learn self-control. 
and i'm better able to control myself
because of the acknowledgment
that i am him and he is me

i am working on me
teaching him to work on him
because he is working on me too
he is my karma
i am his karma
our karmic interconnectedness
transcends the eras
and extends across the universes
my love for him
tested to the point of frustration
but unparalleled

the way i have learned to love me
gives me direction as to how to love him
after all, he is a part of me
in the most basic and primal of ways

and just as i fully embrace this thought, this clear and precise thought
he looks me in the eye and says an emphatic, defiant
"no!"

digging deep into the depths of my divine understanding and know-how
i wonder
what the hell did i get myself into?
and what the hell am i to do next?

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